Chapter Text
Eiji didn’t like that look on Ash’s face. He always made that expression when he stood in front of the mirror and saw his reflection. Eiji was sure that what Ash saw in the mirror and what he saw were entirely different versions of Ash.
Ash's eyes darkened every time he saw his reflection, the green color diminishing and turning dull. When seeing this change in Ash, Eiji couldn’t help but hug him from behind and hold him close to remind him that the version of himself he saw wasn’t the truth. It was an illusion created by people who called him a monster, a devil, a killing machine. Ash had heard hostile rumors and vicious and cruel terms for him for so long that he started believing them eventually. Eiji saw in his posture, his narrowing eyes, and the frown on his forehead that he saw something dark, twisted, and evil while he saw a handsome boy with hair as bright as the sun and eyes shimmering like emeralds.
“Eiji, why do you always do that?”
Ash’s question woke Eiji up from his own thoughts.
“Doing what?” Eiji asked with an innocent smile without loosening the arms around his waist while Ash’s head turned around to him. Eiji looked a bit upwards to see Ash’s curious glance.
Now, his eyes had lit up again, the darkness entirely gone. As always, he wondered if he had imagined the darkness in his eyes. However, he had watched that change in him nearly every day, always when he dressed for the day and tried to smooth down his messy hair in front of the mirror. Still, he was happy that the light returned to his eyes as soon as he looked at him again.
“Eiji, you know exactly what I mean. You always hug me when I stand in front of the mirror. You have a reason to do that, right?”
“Yes, I want to remind you that the image you see of yourself in the mirror is wrong.”
Ash’s lips curved up, but it wasn’t a smile but a dark smirk. “Maybe your version of me is wrong, and you just see what you want to see?”
Eiji ended the hug, got on his tiptoes, and put his arms around his neck from behind.
“No, I know that what I see is the truth. Don’t you remember that I’ve never been afraid of you, even though I knew you were a gang leader with a dangerous reputation?”
Ash chuckled. “Yes, I do remember that. I’ll never forget how you walked up to me as if I were your neighbor next door and asked for my gun. It was so daring, dumb, and naïve at the same time that it was a refreshing change.”
“Excuse me for being stupid and naïve then, Eiji said, shoving his lower lip upwards into a pout. Ash grinned and added, “I know it didn’t sound that way, but it was a compliment. You talked to me like no one dared to, and the first thing you did was ask for consent. You asked me for permission to see my gun. In my world, no one has ever asked me for my consent. That’s why your approach amazed me.”
“I approached you because I saw pure loneliness, tremendous hurt, and pain in your intense look. So, I wanted to learn more about you. I usually see more in people than other people do. So, I know that what I see in your reflection is your true self, not the mask you allow the rest of the world to see.”
“Eiji, please answer me this honestly. What do you see in the mirror? In my reflection?”
“I see a handsome young man with blonde hair that shines golden if the sun falls on it—and beautiful green eyes that sparkle like emeralds in the sun or if you’re smiling genuinely. There’s a darkness lingering in them, but it disappears when you look at me. You’re still hurting, but you founded a gang to protect yourself and the ones you love. You gave people in your world a family and a home. You’re someone who’d give his life for others in a heartbeat because, despite all your hardships and terrifying experiences, you’ve never lost your humanity and treat people with kindness and compassion.”
Ash scowled and rolled his eyes. Still, Eiji saw a hint of happiness in his eyes when they lit up for a fraction of a second.
“Eiji, I’m not kind. I’m a boss who…” Ash began, but Eiji interrupted him.
“You’re strict and get angry with them because you’re worried and care about them. You often warn them to be careful and remind them they’re also in danger. Your gang understands that, too. They look up to you and respect you. Maybe worship would be the better word. I could often watch your gang around you. They watch every move and wait for your orders. Your words are their law, and you’re their king—a symbol of respect, fear, and absolute authority. Unlike Arthur, you don’t use and sacrifice them like chess pieces or marionettes but treat them as human beings and as part of your big family. You think that, as a boss, it’s your responsibility to protect them. That’s why you’re such a great leader.”
“I think you’re putting too much faith in me…”
“No, I’m not. I know your true self. Sometimes, I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. Then, you’d understand why I’ll always believe in you. Even if the whole world turns against you.”
Eiji saw Ash’s astonished expression in the mirror, mixed with a trace of panic in his eyes. Eiji smiled at him. He always got embarrassed, and his cheeks flushed bright red when he complimented him. It was cute, and this time, he couldn’t hide it. Even if he tried to wiggle out of his hug or looked away, his reflection in the mirror would give him away.
“Ash, why are you always looking at your reflection as if you’d like to destroy your handsome face and gouge out your eyes? I don’t like seeing you like that. What is it that you see in your reflection? Please tell me,” he asked softly.
“The eyes of the devil who brings destruction, pain, and death to everyone encountering him.” Despite his smirk and the sarcasm audible in his voice, Eiji knew Ash wasn’t joking.
“Who told you that? Usually, you just say you see a monster in your reflection. Of course, that is not any better, and it is also utterly wrong. But I’ve never heard you describe your eyes like that before. Where is that coming from?” he asked, worried about Ash’s choice of words.
When Ash hesitated with his answer, Eiji pulled back his arms and moved so he stood opposite him in front of the mirror, taking both of his hands in his. He wanted to see Ash’s eyes and what they revealed.
“I remembered it in a dream last night,” Ash muttered quietly, his gaze on the floor.
“A dream? So, it was just a dream, nothing more?”
“No, it really happened. I just remembered it in that dream,” he patiently explained.
“Tell me more about it. Please?” he asked, his voice soft because he felt Ash’s pain, even if he couldn’t see his eyes. It was evident in the way Ash’s body tensed up, and Ash’s grip on his hands got firmer as if he had seen a lifeline in them that would save him from drowning in darkness.
“When I was 14, I was in jail. I told you about that, remember?” he asked quietly.
“Yes, I remember. It’s where you met Shorter.”
A small but sad smile dawned on Ash’s face at the mention of Shorter’s name, and he nodded.
“There was a rumor about me when I was in jail. It was a story one of the inmates told the others. He said that I was giving him the creeps with my green eyes. That those were the eyes of evil. He was obsessed with a story his grandma told him and was convinced that I was the devil deceiving humans and bringing destruction.”
“Ash…You know that’s not true,” Eiji began, feeling sorry for Ash again.
“Do you want to hear the rest?” Ash asked quietly.
Eiji nodded, signaling Ash to go on. He had a feeling that the story wouldn’t turn for the better…
“That man said a woman came to the village when his grandma was young. She was exceptionally beautiful and had mesmerizing green eyes. Most men were captivated by her beauty and immediately fell for her. They started to kill each other to get her. When they were finally all dead, there was a huge storm. That woman stood in the rain and was laughing. Only now, her eyes weren’t green anymore but red like blood. She was the devil. And he told everyone that I have the same green eyes, the eyes of the devil. I forgot about that story, but I remember it now.”
“And you believe that? I assumed you were smarter than that,” Eiji simply said.
“Huh? What do you mean by that?”
“Ash, you’re smart and the most logical and rational person I know. You only believe in facts, figures, and evidence. Since when do you believe in superstitions or abstract things like religion or the devil? That doesn’t sound like you at all.”
He raised his voice, which he rarely did, and Ash stared at him in disbelief. Still, Eiji was mad—not at Ash, of course, but at stupid people spreading rumors like that.
“Ash, look at me. Please.”
It took a moment, but then, Ash reluctantly looked at him.
“Ash, I will tell you this as often as you need to hear it. You’re not a monster. You’re a survivor who tried to fight his way out of a desperate situation. The people who hurt and wronged you, those who haven’t helped you, those people are the ones you should call monsters. From your dad to Dino to the state whose job it is to protect children like you. You’re not to blame for fighting back. Never you.”
Ash nodded, and his head dropped onto his shoulder. Eiji let go of his hands and pulled him close while he sobbed quietly into his shoulder.
“Ash, I know you can’t believe everything I told you, but please try to see yourself in a better light. You’re a good person with a pure soul. I can see that every time I look into your eyes. Your eyes reveal the beauty inside of you. You just buried that beauty along with your feelings and hid it deep inside, nearly forgotten.”
Ash slowly removed his head from his shoulders and wiped away his remaining tears, shock reflected in his puffy eyes.
“My eyes aren’t beautiful, Eiji. They’re the reason I was targeted as a kid.”
“Ash, I’m truly sorry that you went through all that unbearable pain and suffering. And I know that your looks, your handsome face, your green eyes, and your blonde hair were the reason for that. Beauty is dangerous and makes you a target in your world. It must feel like a curse for you.” Ash quietly nodded.
“But you realize I don’t stay with you because of your looks, right? I’m here because I can see you’re hurting and want to show you that you’re not alone. I can’t protect your body, but I can protect and heal your soul. I can make you feel safe and teach you that touch doesn’t always have to be painful but can also be gentle and whose warmth can heal and save people.” He gently massaged Ash’s hands with his thumbs to emphasize his words, then let go of one of his hands to wipe some remaining tears away. He loved how Ash never flinched when he touched him. Instead, he leaned into his touch, a sign of unconditional trust that meant the world to Eiji and always made him smile.
“Ash, you have the most beautiful eye color I’ve ever seen. And I’m not the only one who loves that eye color. Someone else loved it the same way I did.”
“And who’s that supposed to be?” Ash asked, suspicion all over his face while his mouth twisted into a sarcastic smirk.
“Someone who thought your eye color resembled a gem sparkling in the first sun rays of dawn. Your middle name, Jade, confirms that your mom felt the same way.”
Ash stood there and nodded, yet Eiji still saw the doubt lingering in his eyes.
“Do you know the saying, The eyes are the windows of the soul?”
Ash nodded, and then his forehead wrinkled in a frown that he always got when he said something wrong and was about to correct him.
“That’s not a saying, Eiji. That’s a quote from Shakespeare. King Richard III: Act V, scene III,” Ash, the hopeless bookworm, automatically corrected him.
Eiji grinned despite the correction. Of course, Ash would know that.
“My mistake. But the point remains that eyes are the windows of the soul. So, if your eyes are beautiful, they reflect the beauty of your soul. So, maybe you should believe a different interpretation of your eyes. A more positive one.”
“Which one would that be?”
“For example, the green eyes reflect your Irish heritage. Didn’t you tell me once you’re partly Irish?”
“Yes, my dad was a second-generation Irish immigrant.”
“See? Those eyes reflect the Irish part of you. It also explains your stubbornness, iron willpower, and refusal to give up. Irish people are survivors. At least, that’s what I learned when we did Irish history in my English class. It’s just my own interpretation, though.”
Ash stared at him in disbelief, yet warmth and softness had returned to his eyes. He had rendered him speechless because he stood just gaping at him.
“I have another theory if you want to hear it.”
“Yes, enlighten me.” Ash finally said, waking up from his stupor. “I’m curious what you came up with.”
“The green eyes can also be a connection to your mom. You must look a lot like her.”
“How would you know? You don’t know my mom,” Ash reminded him, his forehead tensing up into a frown.
“You’re right, I don’t. But I know your dad and don’t see much of him in you. So, it’s also possible that you inherited the looks from your mom. And the green eyes as well. By naming you Jade, like the gem, she wanted to establish a connection to you. Even if she left you, she wanted to give you a name that connected the both of you. It’s proof that she loved you. A jade stone symbolizes longevity and wisdom and enhances creativity and imagination. It’s suits your personality, don’t you think?”
“How do you do that?” Ash asked him, his features softening and the dawn of a smile on his lips.
“Doing what?” Eiji asked, clueless about what he was referring to.
“Always seeing good things and being optimistic when surrounded by darkness.”
“That’s easy. Goodness and selflessness shine more brilliantly when surrounded by darkness and evil. Like your hair and green eyes are a guiding light for people in your world, a pillar of hope or a lifeline. Like an angel of darkness.”
“An angel…” Ash muttered. “That’s what Shorter told me once. That I look like the angel on a Christmas card he had.”
“See? Shorter saw it, too. That you’re a glimmer of hope in a world dominated by evil and shrouded in darkness.”
Ash looked at the mirror once more, and Eiji saw for the first time that the look in his eyes had changed. His eyes looked brighter now as if he saw his reflection for the first time. He moved closer and looked at his eyes. The darkness was gone, and the green color was more vivid now. Eiji noticed that his posture was also different. His stance was relaxed, the frown on his forehead was gone, and his eyes turned softer, the color not as dull and foggy as before but a clear and lively green color.
“That’s when the sunlight hit the mirror, and the color in Ash’s eyes lit up, and streaks of emerald danced across his iris in the sunlight. Ash stared at the brilliant color of his eyes highlighted by the sun in amazement as if seeing the color now in a different light.
“Maybe you’re right…” Ash muttered. “Thank you, Eiji.”
He hugged him tightly. Eiji was surprised by that move. Ash rarely initiated touch. Usually, he was the one doing that, and Ash just reacted to his touch. Ash initiating touch meant that he was grateful, happy, and content, that he felt comfortable and safe. Eiji felt it in the tight hug, in the way he stood there, utterly at ease, feeling his gentle touch while his blonde strands tickled his cheek and made him giggle.
After a moment, Ash let go of him again. Tears were pricking at his eyes. Eiji wiped them away with his thumb and asked,
“Do you know what emeralds stand for, Ash?”
Ash shook his head.
“Mercy, compassion, and universal love. I think it fits you perfectly.”