Work Text:
To my dear Jecka,
Who will never read it, because she's dead.
I am so fucking sorry, and this is the first time I feel that way since.. No damn idea when. I miss you. I miss your laughter, I miss your eyes, those were the only eyes in the world I've ever seen light in. I miss the way you made me feel, because I realised now that you're gone I'll never experience this feeling again.
And I have no idea why I acted so fucking stupid. I guess I was angry at the feeling of you drifting away.. but that would never be good enough of an excuse, right? This is why I write this to someone who will never read it.
No more excuses. I'll be honest for once in my life. It sucks that I learned to admit my mistakes only after your death.
I still can't get over it. I can't resign myself to the fact that I'll never see you again. I never really thought about the fact that you were the only person in the whole world I'd want to be with before I died. But here I am, alone and guilty of your suicide.
I'd really want there to be an afterlife or at least something for me to have a chance to fucking meet you one more time. Just.. once more to see you.
I know you would never forgive me. You already did it much more than you should've. But I still want to see you again, even if you'd be forever mad at me. It would be better with your angry ass hating me than without you at all.
But afterlife doesn't exist. I'll never see you again and this is completely my fault.
So.. sucks to be me. I do stupid things just out of resentment and then suffer even more from consequences.
I'm a bitch.
Before I liked this thing about myself,
Now I despise it.
I'm not sure what you even found in me in the first place. You were gorgeous and sweet, you cared about what others think and.. cared about your close people.. unlike me. I couldn't even care about the only person who made it worth living.
But now you're gone, so it's not really worth living anymore. That's why I won't.
The world isn't really worthy of goodbyes, so this one is only for Jecka.
I'm sorry.
And
Goodbye.
Forever young & yours,
Nicole.