Chapter Text
THEY PROVED THEM WRONG.
Bry and Charles were fifteen when they met one summer. It was like magic when they fell in love during summer, got together in summer, got engaged in summer and finally got married in summer, too.
Summer has always been the greatest part of their lives— as all happened coincidentally because it was never their favorite season after all.
Bata pa lang, sigurado na si Bryan na gusto niyang makasama si Charles hanggang pagtanda dahil saan pa ba sila pupunta kung hindi?
People say “they don’t marry young anymore” but they did.
His heart still remembers the exact words he said in the first part of his wedding vow. It was, “I guess my heart always knew that one day, I would end up marrying you.” and he really did. It was written in the book of their destiny.
They got married at the age of twenty-three.
Planned to raise a child at twenty-four.
A year later, an answered prayer came when they were given a chance to adopt a five-year old kid named Nathan.
The child changed their lives in more ways than one. As like what his name means, “Gift of God.”
Hindi nila lubos maisip na bibiyayaan sila ng anak na tulad ni Nathan. Bry’s biggest insecurity is not being able to carry Charles’ child because he is a man, too.
Kaya naman nang nandyan na si Nathan, sinugurado niyang maibibigay niya lahat para sa bata ng hindi pinapabayaan ang asawa niya.
They were happy.
Nakasundo nila agad ang anak dahil kahit ilap ito sa tao nung una, nakuha nilang mag-asawa ang loob nito at unti-unti ay lumalaki na itong bibo at masayang bata.
That was one of his dreams, too.
To raise a happy child.
Walang araw na hindi siya nagpasalamat sa langit dahil meron na silang anak— na maituturing niyang kanya dahil ilalaban niya si Nathan sa lahat. Kahit ano pang sabihin ng mga tao ay wala silang pakialam dahil para sa kanilang mag-asawa, anak nila ang bata.
Pinili ito ng mga puso nila. Lalo na siya dahil unang kita niya pa lang sa bata ay alam niya na. Kahit na ang plano sana nila ay magsisimula sila sa umpisa kaya sanggol dapat ang aampunin, napawi lahat iyon nang makita ni Bry si Nathan.
Hindi ito katulad ng ibang mga bata sa ampunan na bibo at masayang nagpapakita sa kanila ng kung ano-ano at maraming mga kwento. May mga yumayakap pa at nagpapabuhat.
He remembered being overwhelmed at that time as he really wanted to have a child and the options were too many. Too bad he cannot have them all and they just really need to choose one.
Or maybe they didn’t.
Because until now, Bryan and Charles were sure that it was Nathan who picked them.
When it’s their time to pick a child, Bryan will never forget how he felt that someone is looking at him— only to see Nathan, with hope in his eyes and little smile on his lips.
Bry cannot explain the feeling but he will say that it was like a leap of blood. Something inside him clenched when he saw the child and from that moment on, he never looked at the other kids in the orphanage anymore.
Charles must have felt it too because as Bry was still smitten by the innocence of the kid, he heard his husband whisper in his ears, “He’s the one. He’s our child.”
They have found the one. They have found their child.
And the rest, as they say, is history.
It was perfect. It was ideal. It was a happy family.
Wala naman silang naging hirap kay Nathan dahil para talaga itong naka-konekta sa kanilang dalawa ng asawa. Nathan is the child that they both dreamed of and they were so blessed because the heavens granted their prayers.
Hindi man nila naranasang magpuyat sa iyak ng baby sa gabi o magpalit ng diaper kapag puno na, danas na danas naman nila ang pagmamahal ni Nathan sa mga simpleng bagay na ginagawa nito para sa kanila.
The kid is really affectionate in his own way.
One time Bry was crying because he couldn’t figure out what he really wanted to do and when Nathan saw him in that state, he just sat beside him and tapped his arm repeatedly. Niyakap niya ang anak dahil hindi naman nila kailangan ng mga maraming salita para sabihin kung gaano nila kamahal ang isa’t-isa.
That’s when it all started.
Tumaas ang mga ambisyon ni Bryan sa buhay dahil gusto niyang ibigay kay Nathan ang lahat. Maayos naman ang buhay nila at alam niya sa sarili niyang hindi niya kailangan na magtrabaho nang sobra dahil kaya naman nila. Hindi sila sobrang yaman pero masasabihing hindi rin mahirap.
Kaya lang ay mapaghangad pa rin ang puso niya. Marami pa siyang pangarap at gustong marating sa buhay.
He wants to be someone that Nathan can be proud of one day. That’s why he worked hard.. and harder that sometimes, he just forgets to be present.
He was not there when Nathan had his first day in actual school. He was not there when he graduated from preschool.
He certainly cannot remember why he cannot leave work and why it was so important at that time but all he can remember was a sad child sleeping in his bedroom while waiting for him.
He has broken so many promises to his child along the way.
“Naiintindihan ko naman, Bry. Pero ang bata hindi,” Charles said to him once when he told him he cannot attend the family day in Nathan’s school even though he promised that he will.
“Just this one, Charles. I promise it will be the last time. Nagkataon lang talaga na same day bigla ‘yung presentation ko with the big bosses and I really need to take my chance,” he reasoned out as he was trying to make his lambing out of the conversation.
He’s convincing Charles that it was worth a shot because if he will close that deal, then he’ll be able to get the promotion he’s been working hard for so long. After that, he can play with Nathan all he wants.
But bigger responsibilities came after being promoted.
Charles’ has been reminding him to take it easy as he no longer sees Nathan awake.
“He’s growing up, Bry. All he can remember is you being absent on the most important days of his life.”
Bryan will admit that it struck him like a train.
Hindi ba worth it lahat ng mga ginagawa niya? Eh ‘di ba para naman ‘to kay Nathan? Para mabigyan niya ito ng magandang future?
“I’m doing this for him, Charles! You know I would do everything for our son!” He’s unaware of his defensive tone.
Charles just smiled sadly. “Ikaw ang kailangan ng anak natin, Bry. Hindi ang maraming pera o mga magagandang gamit na pwede mong ibigay sa kanya.”
It was pride. Because he doesn’t want to admit that he is wrong, he used it against Charles. Gusto siya nitong siraan sa anak nila.
Younger and rebellious Bryan felt that no one was on his side at that time.
Because even Kenny told him that he’s wrong this time.
So be it.
Patutunayan niya sa lahat na maling hindi siya pinaniwalaan ng mga ito. One day, they will see how wonderful the world he pictured out for his son is.
That’s why Bry worked even harder to make it happen sooner.
But he just forgets to be a husband and a parent at all.
He cannot remember what Nathan’s favorite color is whenever he’s about to buy something for him as a peace offering for not being able to make it on whatever occasion he promised he would attend so he would just buy every available color there is.
He would give Charles a cold treatment whenever he’s trying to tell him that he should take it easy on his work and make time for their child. Even his simple ‘how are you?’ doesn’t appeal sincerely to him.
Bry would admit, he really thinks of Charles as an enemy because he believed that he was trying to get more credit on their child just because he’s always present. He hates that.
He no longer listens. He barely had time to come home.
Kapag nagkaka-day off siya, ilalabas niya si Nathan without Charles’ knowledge and he would be so defensive and angry kahit na nagtatanong lang naman ito pag-uwi nila. Bryan just forget that he loves Charles.
Until one day, Charles stopped reaching out.
Nathan was thirteen at that time.
How time flies. But Bry can only remember a few happy memories they made as family. Without exaggeration, he can count it on his fingers and he won’t even make it until ten.
Pride is still taller than him so he started to sleep in the other room. Charles didn’t say anything.
He was just too hurt with the act and Bry was too mad to see.
Kasi sa lahat ba naman ng sakripisyo niya, mauuwi pa sila sa ganito ng asawa niya? Hindi man lang siya nito iniintindi? Puro pa ito pangongontra sa mga gusto niya? Eh para lang naman iyon sa ikabubuti ng pamilya nila.
And it goes on.
Months had passed.
Bry received a message from a common friend in college saying that Charles’ might be cheating on him.
Para siyang binuhusan ng malamig na tubig pero kinalma niya muna ang puso.
Charles can do many things but cheating is not one of them. But what if?
He was full of doubts. He stopped functioning so well at work that he needed to take a break. Even a shoulder tap from a fourteen year-old Nathan did not help him at that time.
All he wants is to confront Charles to get this done and over with. He suddenly remembered how he loved his husband so much.
He will never cheat on him. They have a family.
But for some strange reason, Charles was not home.
Gabi na.
Hindi ito nagre-reply. Kahit si Nathan, hinahanap na ito sa kanya.
As always, Bry does not know the answer and that’s when he came to realize that he doesn’t know much about his husband anymore.
He tried getting help from Ken to know where Charles is. He’s in a bar, as per their friend.
Nag-reply sa kaibigan nila pero sa kanya hindi.
Pero iintindihin niya. May tampuhan pa silang mag-asawa. Hihintayin niya na lang si Charles para makapag-usap na sila at maayos na kung ano mang gulo ang meron sa pamilya nila.
Nathan was with him waiting as the lad is also not used to not having his Daddy home after 7pm.
It was almost 12 midnight when he heard an engine outside and before he could even get up, Nathan already immediately ran to open the gate for his Dad. He’s drunk. There’s just something dark on his aura right now so Bry thinks that it’s not a good time to talk.
Nathan knows what to do with his drunk Dad even without his help so he just watches them.
His heart hurt knowing he was just there but the two’s already established without asking for his help.
Nakikita na ni Bryan ngayon lahat ng mga ginawa niya.
He feels the need to cry. Magpapaalam na sana siya sa anak dahil ayaw niyang makita nito iyon ng tumunog ang cellphone niya.
… only to see a picture of his husband.. and a lady kissing him.
Bryan forgot how to be a human that night. He was hysterical, so mad and hurt. He was crying in anger as he hit the sleeping Charles and cursed at him.
Nathan was so confused and afraid of what’s happening.
Disoriented Charles doesn’t understand what’s happening but Bry loses it. He was just so mad and he wanted to get even. Forget the fucking love.
Nathan was trying to stop him but he ordered his son to pack all his things as they were leaving right there and then.
Crying, his son said, “No. I will stay with Daddy.”
That made him stop.
What the actual fuck?
“Sasama ka sa’kin! Aalis na tayo!” he shouted at his son’s face.
Pero matigas ang pag-iling nito. “Hindi ko po iiwan si Daddy!”
Bryan doesn’t know what hurts more— his husband cheating or his son refuses to come with him.
Everything went black at that time. All he wanted was to get rid of the pain so he diverted his anger to all the things he could see. Their wedding picture, the glasses on the counter top, the figurines. He threw it all in the ground.
People should be sleeping at midnight. It should be calm, quiet and peaceful.
But their family was a crying mess. Fucking mess.
Bry can’t remember how Kenny got there but he was the one who brought him to the hospital to mend the cut in his hand.. and to calm him down.
Bryan woke up the next day and it hurt.
Charles was there. Nathan was there. Kenny was there.
He didn’t bother to answer their question and straightly asked his son again.
“Sasama ka ba sa’kin anak? Aalis na tayo,” walang buhay niyang tanong.
He ignored the tears in the side of his son’s eye.
“Dada, please don’t do this. Mag-usap po muna kayo ni Daddy,” Nathan pleads.
But when did Bry ever listen to anyone?
Never. Not even with his begging son.
With that, he is sure that it’s Charles that Nathan wants to come with. Hindi na siya namilit.
Siya na lang ang kusang umalis pagka-discharge niya sa ospital. He only talks to Kenny and their son, completely ignoring the existence of his husband who has been trying to talk to him since he woke up.
“That’s it? Aalis ka na? Iiwan mo na kami ng anak natin?” Charles asked. He’s not sure if he’s hurt or mad but he ignored him.
Bry was too deaf to listen. Nag-impake lang siya at hindi ito pinansin hanggang sa matapos siya.
He has nowhere to go because the only home he can always come to when he’s tired no longer feels home anymore. The pair of arms that has always been his safe space doesn’t feel safe anymore.
Bryan needed to get out. He’s sure he’s not coming back. Not to Charles, not to this house. Ever.
…what he doesn’t know is that he also created a wall and a broken heart that will taint their son forever.
———
IT WAS NOSTALGIC.
Bryan can’t believe that he’s really here again, to their house which he never stepped on for the last four years. He barely recognized this house. It was fully renovated, and doesn’t feel like home anymore.
He’s here two hours earlier than the said call time.
Alam niyang nagtatampo ang anak sa kanya dahil base sa huling usapan nila ni Kenny, hindi lang basta basta iyong dinadala ng bata.
For Nathan to say that he wanted to go back to the orphanage, his wound must be too deep.
At walang makakaayos no’n maliban sa kanilang dalawa ng asawa.
Bryan realized this a long time ago.
But as someone who has been cheated on, it was just too hard to see Charles. It was too hard to deal with him again even though most of their ‘talk’ involves Nathan.
It’s hard to be a parent when he’s still so mad with his so-called husband. Or is he still mad?
But feelings aside, Bryan just wants to say sorry to their son. They owe him the most.
Kung ang pakikipag-ayos kay Charles ang kailangan niyang gawin para lang maramdaman ng anak niyang ligtas pa rin ito sa piling nila, gagawin niya.
Huli niya na ‘tong napagtanto pero wala siyang hindi gagawin para sa anak nila.
Bry wasted so many years hurting their son unaware and he doesn’t want to add up some more.
Tumuloy siya ng pasok sa loob at alam niyang nandito na rin si Charles. Nag-message ito kanina sa kanya na nauna na ito dahil magluluto pa ito ng ni-request ni Nathan.
Their favorite Sinigang.
As much as Bry wants to reminisce, he doesn’t have the time so he went straight to the kitchen where he found Charles gracefully making his way while cooking.
“Good afternoon,” bati niya.
Nilingon siya nito at matipid na ngumiti. “Good afternoon.”
Kung tatanungin siya, hindi niya na maalala kung kailan niya huling nakita na masaya itong ngumiti sa kanya. Ilang taon na silang mag-asawa pero parang hindi niya na ito kilala.
Lahat iyon ay babalik dahil sa mataas niyang ambisyon.
“Nathan will be here at six,” sabi nito. “Magluluto lang ako ng dinner at nag-request siya. Ikaw ba, may gusto kang ipaluto?”
Umiling si Bryan. “Wala naman.” Okay na siya sa sinigang, ilang taon na rin mula nung huling beses niyang natikman ang luto nito.
Tumango lang ito bago binalik ang tingin sa ginagawa.
It was too awkward. Umupo na lang si Bryan sa isang high chair sa tapat ng kitchen counter.
He used to do this before. Nung wala pa silang Nathan dahil eversince naman, si Charles ang laging nagluluto para sa kanila dahil mas maalam ito sa kusina. He will tell him stories after stories and his husband will attentively listen while cooking. Noon.
Ang dami-daming nangyari.
Ni hindi niya nga alam kung napatawad niya na ba si Charles sa pagtataksil nito— pero nandoon pa rin ang boses ni Kenny sa utak niya na nagsasabing, “Sa tingin mo ba kaya niya ‘yong gawin sa’yo? Sa inyo ng anak mo? Mahal na mahal kayo ni Charles, Bry. Kung alam mo lang.”
Those were the exact words that Kenny has been trying to tell him for years but he doesn’t want to listen.
The said explanation was long overdue. He never dared to listen to Charles.
He spent years trying to forget him. Trying to erase his husband in every picture that’s why he only wants to have him and Nathan all the time. He’s trying to show everyone, especially Charles, that being cheated on will not hinder him from being happy. From enjoying the best life could offer for him and for his son.
Bryan created a new world for him and his son only.
But he will not deny the fact that it was empty. There’s still a hole. A missing piece. Ramdam niya rin naman na hindi ganon kasaya si Nathan kapag siya ang kasama. Iba ang mga ngiti at tawa nito kapag sila at kapag nagkukwento ito kapag kasama nito ang Daddy nito.
No one asked because everyone will just tell him, “I told you so” but it was really hard being a present parent after being absent for years.
Parang kahit nakita niyang lumaki ang anak ay hindi niya ito ganong kakilala dahil hindi niya naman nasubaybayan.
Alam niya naman.
When Nathan wanted an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on, he was not there.
Tapos nung kaya na nito mag-isa ay saka lang siya dumating. Kahit hindi siya umalis.
Ang dami-dami niyang sinakripisyo para sa magandang buhay nilang pamilya.
Pero hindi sila masaya.
Alam niyang gumanda nga ang buhay nila. Lalo siguro siya, pero siya pa rin ang talo dahil hindi naman siya sumaya. Bry can’t even remember the last time he was genuinely happy.
“Hindi ako nagloko, Bry.”
Gulat na napabalik siya sa realidad nang marinig ang boses ni Charles na nasa tapat niya na pala.
There’s still an invisible line that he didn’t cross because he was just there, standing in front of him while looking directly in his eyes.
“I was a bad husband because I never tried hard enough to understand you but I would never cheat on you,” he said. “I never cheated on you. I love you and our son. I would not intentionally do anything that will hurt you both. I hope you know that.”
Those words are like bullets that hit him on the chest.
“A-Ano bang sinasabi mo?” tanong niya saka nag-iwas ng tingin.
He cannot do this right now. Pwedeng dumating ang anak nila any moment at ayaw niyang madatnan na naman nitong nag-aaway sila ni Charles. Pagod na pagod na ang puso ni Bry sa pakikipagsagutan.
“I owe you an explanation. Pero kung ayaw mo pa ring makinig.. sana lang maniwala ka na kahit mamatay ako, hinding-hindi ko kayo lolokohin ng anak natin.” Charles added. “I’m sorry that it happened. Sorry I was wrong with my choice of friends. Sorry. I was wrong.”
Naguluhan si Bryan. “What do you mean?”
“That night, I was drugged by my co-workers. I don’t even know how I was able to go home,” simpleng sabi nito. “Hindi pa ako lasing dahil alam ko pa lahat ng mga nangyayari nung una pero ramdam kong may nag-iba talaga. Parang nawawala ako sa sarili ko kaya maniwala ka man o hindi, hindi ko maalala ‘yung halik na ‘yon. Hindi ko na alam kung anong mga nangyayari sa paligid ko pero ang alam ko lang, mahal ko kayo ni Nathan. Mahal kita, Bry. Nung gabing ‘yon, ang gusto ko lang ay umuwi, kailangan kong umuwi. Kasi mas gusto ko kayong kasama ng anak natin.”
Bry swallowed an imaginary lump on his throat.
What is this?!
“There’s no excuse for that. I’m sorry.”
“Charles..” is all he can say.
“Ayokong manumbat Bry,” sabi nito maya maya. “Pero sana alam mo rin na hindi lang naman ikaw ang nasaktan.”
Parang nadurog ang puso niya sa huling sinabi nito.
He never heard his side of the story.
“I tried so hard to fill in your spot in our son’s life. Kasi ayokong maramdaman niyang may kulang. Ayoko ring magalit siya sa’yo kasi alam ko naman na para lang sa pamilya natin ‘yung ginagawa mo, eh. Kaya hindi na ako paulit-ulit noon para hindi ka na magalit. Alam kong pagod ka,” Charles softly said.
Unti-unti nang nahihigit ni Bryan ang paghinga.
“I never wanted to have an angry man inside our home. But you became one, Bry. Sorry I didn’t try harder,” he almost whispered. “Ayokong humaba ‘yung away para hindi na makita ni Nathan pero Bry.. bakit?”
Napatingin siya dito. Walang masabi.
“Wala naman akong sinabi nung ikaw ‘yung laging wala. Kahit nga hindi ko na ramdam na may asawa ako, kahit wala kang oras sa’kin.. kahit lagi kang galit kapag kinakausap kita. Tiniis kong lahat iyon kasi alam ko pagod ka lang sa trabaho. Na magiging maayos tayo kapag nahimasmasan ka na,” Charles chuckled, maybe to stop himself from choking.
“Kahit mas naramdaman kong kaaway mo na akong tinuturing kaysa asawa mo. Kahit hindi na kita katabing matulog. Kahit gustong-gusto kitang mayakap kasi Bry, kailangan din kita, eh. Hindi lang naman ikaw ‘yung nasasaktan sa mga nangyayari sa pamilya natin nung mga panahon na ‘yon.”
Napayuko na lang siya dahil malapit na siyang maiyak.
Hindi niya ‘to narinig noon dahil walang sinabi si Charles— pinili niyang mas magalit kaya hindi niya narinig ang mga bagay na ‘to noon.
“It was you who cheated first,” Charles almost whispered.
Bryan gasped— he’s ready to argue but he was taken aback when he saw his eyes full of tears.
“Your own job is your mistress, Bry. You cheated not only to me, but also to our son. Wala kang oras sa’min ni Nathan. Ni hindi mo ako masingit sa oras mo kahit kaunting minuto lang ng pag-uusap pero tiniis ko ‘yon. Basta uuwi ka pa rin sa’kin, sa’min ng anak natin. Lagi kang wala pero inintindi ko lahat ‘yon kasi bukod sa pagiging asawa, kailangan kong maging magulang sa anak natin. Kailangan ako ni Nathan at hindi pwedeng pairalin ko ‘yung sarili kong nararamdaman dahil bata pa si Nathan, eh. Hindi niya pa maiintindihan.”
Hindi siya makasagot. May bumibikig na sa lalamunan niya. Sobrang natamaan siya sa lahat ng mga sinasabi nito. Bakit hindi niya iyon nakita noon?
“Pero sa isang pagkakamali ko lang.. umalis ka na. Hindi mo man lang ako hinayaang magpaliwanag. Umalis ka na lang na parang wala tayong pinagsamahan. Parang hindi mo ako minahal. Parang hindi mo ako mahal.”
Hindi niya na kaya.
“Bry, bakit iniwan mo ‘ko?” nagsusumamong tanong nito.
Doon. Doon na kumawala ang mga luhang kanina niya pa pinipigilan.
Napuno ng hikbi ang buong kusina nila. Hindi niya alam kung may dapat ba siyang sabihin o kung ano bang dapat niyang sabihin dahil gustong-gusto niya lang umiyak. Matagal na rin ang huli at ipon na ipon na ‘to.
Ilang taon na pero hindi pala tuluyang naghilom ang mga sugat nila dahil ngayon palang nila ito natutuklasan.
Bukod sa mga bagong nalaman niya, ang isa pang iniiyak ni Bryan ngayon ay ang realisasyon kung gaano siya naging masamang asawa kay Charles.
The latter was always there for him but what did he do?
He left him just like that after the better things.
He was only there when things were better.
He left him, with their child after having a worse episode of their life and he never came back.
He didn’t fulfill his vow to stay in sickness and when worse came to worst.
He was just there to celebrate the happy things and he left him behind when the storm came.
What kind of husband is he?
O tama bang asawa pa siyang tawagin dahil hindi niya naman ito tinuring na asawa..
Hanggang ngayon pala ay makasarili pa rin siya dahil sa pagpunta niya ngayon ay ang tanging gusto niya lang ay magkaayos sila ng anak niya. Patawarin si Charles, na alam niyang hindi pa bukal sa loob niya bago niya malaman ang lahat ng ito pero hindi niya naisip na humingi ng tawad rito.
Ngayong alam niya na ang kwento ng asawa, hindi na lalo alam ni Bryan kung anong gagawin.
Sana pagdating ng anak nila ay mas malinawan siya. Para maayos na ang pamilya nila.
Sana maayos pa nila.
Sana handa siya.
———
IT’S TOO QUIET.
Sanay naman si Nathan na natimik sa bahay nila o kahit saan kapag magkakasama silang tatlo dahil kung hindi siya magsasalita ay hindi naman din mauunang magbukas ng topic ang mga magulang. Nagpapakiramdaman lang lagi pero ramdam niyang iba ang katahimikan ngayon.
Parang may iba pang nangyari bago siya dumating dahil hindi lang siya sigurado pero parang bagong iyak ang Dada niya kanina.
His Dad is a bit serious, too.
“Last year ko na po pala sa highschool,” naisip niyang pwede itong maging simula ng usapan nila.
Napatingin naman sa kanya ang mga magulang.
Ngumiti ang Dada niya. “Oo nga anak, eh.. Parang kailan lang.”
Awkward. May iba talagang nangyari kanina, sigurado na siya.
“May naisip ka na bang papasukan na school sa college?” tanong ng Daddy niya.
Napatigil na si Nathan sa pagkain. Naalala niya ‘yung pinag-usapan nila ng Ninong Kenny niya nung isang gabi pero parang hindi pa ‘to ang tamang oras para sabihin ‘yon.
Umiling siya. “Baka po sa second sem ko na pag-isipan,” sagot niya.
Paborito niya ‘tong sinigang na niluto ng Daddy niya pero nawalan talaga siya ng gana. Medyo masama ang kutob niya na may mangyayari pang hindi maganda kaya hinahanda na rin ni Nathan ang puso niya.
“Do you want me to help you?” tanong ng Dada niya.
Ewan niya. Pero parang trigger word iyon.
Unaware, Nathan smirked sarcastically. “Do you have time for me po ba, Da?”
Tatlo silang nagulat sa sinabi niyang iyon dahil kahit siya, hindi niya alam kung saan iyon galing.
“Anak..” pagsinghap ng Dada niya.
“Nathan,” saway naman ng Daddy niya.
For some reason he cannot fathom, Nathan feels that he needs to stand up. Kahit ngayon lang.
He needs to understand his parents, the same way they need to understand him because only then they can be called a family. Sa dami ng nangyayari, hindi niya na talaga alam.
“Why did you do that, Da?” tanong niya maya maya.
Tahimik na sa hapag. Lahat ay huminto na sa pagkain. Nakatingin na lang sa kanya ang mga magulang, isa ay parang nagmamakaawa at ang isa ay gusto siyang pigilan pero hindi.
Ngayon ‘to gustong pag-usapan ni Nathan dahil hindi na siya bumabata, sabi nga ni Jam.
“What do you mean, anak?” tanong pabalik nito.
Hindi makatingin si Nathan kaya tinuon niya ang pansin sa pagkain sa plato niya. “Why do you have to work so hard and say that you’re only doing it for me?”
Nakarinig siya ng singhap pero walang naging sagot kaya nagpatuloy siya.
“I never asked you for anything naman, ‘di ba? All I wanted is you to be present.” Napalabi siya.
Habang nakatitig sa lumalamig na sabaw ng Sinigang, naalala niya na naman lahat ng mga importanteng araw sa buhay niya bilang bata, estudyante at anak pero ni minsan, wala doon ang Dada niya. Ayaw na ayaw ni Nathan ‘tong emosyon na ‘to pero ito na naman, naaawa na naman siya sa sarili niya.
“Daddy’s been telling me all the time na kaya ka nagtatrabaho kasi gusto mo ng magandang future para sa pamilya natin,” sabi niya. “Anong future ba ‘yung gusto mo, Da? Hindi pa ba kami sapat ni Daddy sa’yo?”
“Nathan!” It was his Dad.
Nag-angat siya ng tingin, nakayuko na lang ang Dada niya at parang paiyak na ito. While his Dad is looking at him seriously, ordering him to stop.
“You don’t get to tell me off, Daddy.” Kahit takot siya Daddy niya, gagawin ni Nathan ‘to. “Sorry but I don’t want to be a coward like you.”
“Nathaniel!” It was his Dada. “Oh my God, anak. Ano bang sinasabi mo?”
Na-trigger na si Nathan. “Totoo naman po, eh. Daddy never wants to have a confrontation. Kasi para hindi na humaba ‘yung away, para hindi ko makita. Pero hindi niyo alam mas naapektuhan lang po ako kasi ramdam na ramdam ko ‘yung epekto ng hindi niyo pag-uusap. Ang dami-daming pagkakataon na pwedeng sana maayos ‘yung pamilya natin pero hindi nangyari kasi mas pinili ni Daddy na manahimik at pagbigyan ka Dada kahit ikaw puro na lang galit ‘yung pinapairal mo.”
“Nathaniel Park, sobra ka na!” His Dad raised his voice, he’s very serious too.
“Mas sobra kayo!” he shouted back, as tears immediately gushed down his eyes.
“Sabi niyo nung bata ako magiging masaya tayo! Sabi niyo bibigyan niyo ako ng kumpletong pamilya!” Nathan cried. “Pero bakit sa paglipas ng ilang taon na kasama ko kayo, mas gusto ko na lang ulit bumalik sa bahay ampunan kung saan niyo ako kinuha? Gano’n ba, ha? Gano’n po ba ‘yung pagmamahal, Dada? Daddy? Ganito ba ‘yung future na gusto niyong magkaroon ako?’
Tanging hikbi niya na lang ang naririnig sa buong hapag.
“Buong buhay ko pinilit kong umintindi!” Siguro, panunumbat na iyon. “Kasi feeling ko wala naman akong karapatan mag-demand kasi nga ampon lang ako—”
“Anak ka namin!” His Dada cried, too.
He smiled amidst his tears. “Pero bakit po hindi ko naramdaman? Bakit po nagtatanong pa rin ako kung ano bang pakiramdam na maalagaan mo, Da? Kasi hindi ko naranasan, eh. Kahit nandyan si Daddy, hindi ko alam kung bakit ikaw pa rin ‘yung laging hinahanap ko. Kung bakit pakiramdam ko ikaw ‘yung mahal na mahal ko sa inyong dalawa kahit pa iniwan mo kami.”
Nakita niyang naiyak na rin ang Daddy niya.
“Umalis ka na lang bigla na parang wala lang kami. N-na parang hindi tayo pamilya..”
Ang sakit-sakit ng dibdib niya. Pero sa isang banda, parang gumagaan dahil ang tagal niya na itong gustong sabihin.
“I’m sorry a-anak.. I thought you would understand..” hikbi ni Dada. “I thought it would make you strong—”
“I was a child! I don’t need to be strong! I needed to be safe!” he shouted again as he could no longer control his loud sobs.
Ang lakas lakas na ng pag-iyak niya, na puro iyon at hikbi na lang ang naririnig sa buong paligid.
“I thought I could be safe with you..” sabi niya makalipas ang ilang minuto. “But turns out, you’re the hurricane I should run from kasi Dada, ang sakit sakit mong mahalin.”
Kitang-kita ni Nathan kung paano mas lumakas ang pagyugyog ng balikat nito.
“And you, Daddy..” baling niya sa Daddy niya na nagpipigil ng luha. “I love you and I’m so thankful for everything that you did for me and for our family. But I hope you were able to initiate a conversation, too. Hindi ‘yung kapag ayaw ni Dada, hahayaan mo lang siya. Kapag galit siya, tatanggapin mo lang. Na kahit mali siya, hindi mo itatama. I hope you were able to stand up for yourself, too.”
Napayuko ang ama pero nakita ni Nathan na sunod-sunod rin ang naging pagtulo ng mga luha nito.
“I was never a perfect son,” hikbi niya ulit. “But I tried my best to understand where you were coming from… but right now, I can’t do it. I don’t want to try anymore.”
Tumahimik na ulit. Pero may gusto pa siyang sabihin.
“I love you, Dada.”
Napasinghap ito.
“I love you, Daddy.”
Napaangat ito ng tingin.
Pareho niyang tiningnan ang dalawa bago siya tumayo. “I love you both so much. But not today… not today.”
With tears in his eyes, Nathan hurriedly ran away from his parents.
Hindi niya pinansin kahit pa anong tawag ng mga ito sa kanya. Gusto niyang umuwi, gusto niyang mawala ang sakit.
Funny how this house was his first home but doesn’t feel like one anymore especially today.
Alam niyang pagsisisihan niyang hindi siya naging mabuting anak ngayon tulad ng laging tinuturo sa kanya ng mga ito.. pero ang gusto na lang talagang mangyari ni Nathan ngayon ay matigil ang sakit sa puso niya…
…kasi hindi niya na kaya.