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“Darling, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Loki said, clearly confused. “Why didn’t you meet me for dinner? I was waiting for you.”
You crossed your arms over your chest, shaking your head. “Stop lying to me.”
Loki had come to your room after you had intentionally missed your dinner plans. You had overheard him speaking with Thor today and the topic of your relationship had been brought up.
“I don’t understand…” Loki said, looking lost. He reached for you, trying to pull you into his arms; but you nudged him away, taking a step back.
“I heard you earlier. You said I meant nothing to you.”
He was quiet for a moment, “darling, I-”
You quickly wiped away some tears that had fallen down your cheeks, thinking about what you had overheard that afternoon.
You were walking towards the kitchen, wanting to make some coffee before heading back to a meeting with Tony and Steve about an upcoming mission when you overheard Loki and Thor’s voices from the training gym. You were about to poke your head in and say hello, but you stopped when you overheard them talking about you.
“You’ve been seeing her for awhile now.” Thor commented, “it must be serious, that’s unlike you.”
“I wouldn’t say that.” Loki corrected, “She’s suitable enough for my current situation, but nothing more.”
“Really?” Thor asked, seeming surprised. “You just seem to appear to be quite taken with her.”
“I can’t risk forming deep attachments here if I wish to return home eventually. Whatever it is, it means nothing to me.” Loki said, “now, are we going to train, or speak about my personal life?”
You had felt so hurt at his words that you opted to skip your meeting entirely in favour of heading back to your room. You had been devastated at his admission. It shocked you, mostly because when you and Loki were together, he was so loving and attentive. He spent more nights with you than alone and showed no signs of indifference.
Clearly you had been fooled.
“You’re not denying it.” You said, your voice small.
“I’m not denying that I said those things, but I didn’t-”
“Please leave.” You said, gesturing toward your door, “I don’t want you here if that’s how you feel about me.”
He moved closer, “let me explain”
You shook your head, tears rolling down your cheeks, “I think I heard enough. You don’t want any attachments here? Fine then Loki, I don’t want to see you anymore.”
“Please, love-”
“Don’t call me that!” You yelled, the hurt in your voice evident.
When he tried to approach you again you used your powers to throw open your door, proceeding to push Loki out immediately after.
He tried resisting by grabbing onto the doorframe, “if you would just listen to me!”
“I don’t want to.” You snapped, “let go!”
“No!” He said stubbornly. “Not until you let me fix this.”
You let out a noise of frustration, gesturing your hand as you channeled your powers to rip him from the doorframe and throw him out of your bedroom. You sniffled as you slammed the door. “Stay away from me, Loki.” You called out, locking the door behind him. “I should have listened to everyone else. They said not to trust you, and I just should have listened.”
***
Loki stood on the opposite side of your door, prying on the door handle in hopes of getting back inside but it wasn’t working. He called out to you, but you ignored him.
He sighed, pressing his ear against the door and was met with the sounds of your sobbing. His heart ached that he had hurt you. He desperately wanted you to let him explain himself.
He felt guilty that he had even said those words at all. Truthfully, they had felt like sandpaper on his tongue at the time they were spoken. He didn’t know why he had lied to Thor, but today when he asked so plainly about his relationship with you, he panicked.
He wanted to admit how he truly felt about you, but he was afraid. What if he admitted how much he truly cared for you and then you disappeared? What if you were hurt or in danger? He could barely think straight at the thought of something happening to you.
He loved you so deeply that he was terrified to admit it out loud. It was a pathetic excuse, and he knew that it was wrong, but he couldn’t stop himself. He hadn’t anticipated you overhearing, and he felt sickened that you did.
He sighed, pressing his forehead against the door, “love, please let me in.”’he pleaded.
You didn’t answer him, and Loki wasn’t surprised. He would probably react the same if he heard you speak about him like that.
He turned, pressing his back against your door and sliding down it until he was sitting in front of it. He wasn’t leaving until he was able to explain everything to you. He knew that if he walked away from this, that he would deeply regret it.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, putting his head in his hands, “please forgive me.”
***
You woke up hours later, having fallen asleep after crying so much. You rubbed your eyes sleepily, about to roll over when your stomach growled in protest. It made sense, you had missed dinner and had been too upset all day to even think about food.
You sighed, throwing your legs over the bed before standing up. You decided that you were going to get a quick snack from the kitchen. Before leaving your room, you checked your phone for the time and saw that it was just after three in the morning.
You relaxed slightly, confident that you wouldn’t run into anyone while going to the kitchen. You didn’t want anyone to ask why you had skipped the meeting today, or why you had been crying. You just needed some time to process it for a while.
You opened your door and let out a yelp of surprise when you found Loki sleeping in your door frame.
“Darling.” He mumbled sleepily, “let me explain.”
“No thanks.” You said curtly, stepping over him as you continued on to the kitchen.
Unsurprisingly, you heard him following behind you, but you resolutely ignored him.
When you got to the kitchen, you went to open the pantry, but he placed a hand on the door, stopping you. “Just speak with me. Please. Then if you are still angry with me, I’ll leave you alone.”
You scoffed, “I don’t know what you could possibly have to say that would make me forgive you.”
Loki sighed, looking more dishevelled than ever as he gave you a pleading look. “Are you hungry?”
You didn’t respond, not sure where he was going with this.
“If you are hungry, let me make you something while I explain. I just need you to listen to me for a moment.”
“You can’t cook.” You pointed out.
“I… will try my best.” He said, “as long as you’ll agree to sit and speak with me.”
You pondered that for a moment, “Fine. But only because I’m hungry.”
Loki let out a breath, clearly relieved. “Please sit,” he said, gesturing to the stools that were placed along the kitchen island. “I’ll make you something to eat.”
***
As you had pointed out, Loki was clearly out of his element. Normally, you cooked for him, or he ordered out. But he knew that offering to make you something would be the only way he could keep you here, so he vowed to do his best.
He opened the fridge, examining all the food for inspiration. “Is there something in particular that you want to eat?”
When you didn’t answer he turned around, thinking you had left but was met with the sight of you sitting at a seat at the island, with your hands folded in front of you expectantly. “Surprise me.”
Loki nodded, hoping that you suggesting something would inspire him. He was going to have to improvise. With hesitance, he grabbed some food out of the fridge, forming a loose plan in his mind about what he was going to make and turned around to face you.
He nodded, grabbing a knife from the nearby drawer and started chopping a bell pepper. “For starters, what you heard today, was a lie.”
“It seemed pretty honest to me.”
He avoided your gaze as he continued chopping. “I have never… been with someone like you before.”
“a human?”
“Yes… but, it’s more complicated than that.” He said, tossing the extra bits of pepper to the side while he put his slices into a bowl. He reached for another and started chopping again, “When I arrived here, I didn’t expect to enjoy my stay, or even find others who I connected with.”
“Okay.” You nodded, “I’m listening.”
Loki swallowed, grateful that you were allowing him to explain. “Back on Asgard, I am known as somewhat of… well… I have a reputation for mischief. Obviously. But also, that I am deeply uncaring about most things and people. Only really worrying about myself.”
He looked up at you, and you were still looking at him with rapt attention which made him ache. He loved how you made him feel that he was being listened to, and that you genuinely cared about what he had to say. He had never really experienced this feeling before you, and it made him feel even worse that he had hurt you today.
“Go on.” You gestured, waiting for him to continue.
“Oh.” He nodded, “But when I arrived here, yes I had a reputation for other things, but not the same one I had in Asgard. It was different here, and I rather started to like it.” He put his other chopped pepper into the bowl and reached for an onion, beginning to cut it. “I didn’t have to be this cold, unfeeling, selfish man that everyone had known me to be for the past dozen centuries. I could be someone else.”
You tensed, “So you were pretending.”
“No.” he immediately answered, “the opposite. I was myself for the first time since I can remember. When I met you, I didn’t have to be this lothario prince who cared nothing for people and discarded them easily. For years, I was so deeply lonely and couldn’t figure out how to change. I fell in love with you and had the courage to express it freely which was something I never had been able to do before.”
You nodded, taking in that information. Loki stopped his chopping, examining every look on your face to see if he could gauge your reaction. “Okay.” You said finally, “I can understand that. But it doesn’t make sense why you would tell Thor the things you did. You had no reason to lie to him.”
“I can’t explain the feeling of worry that comes up when others notice my attachment to you. It feels too raw to speak about. I am terrified of something happening to you, or of you being taken away from me. It’s almost unbearable sometimes, and I am scared that you will disappear, leaving me alone again.” He explained, putting down the knife as he took a deep breath. The honesty of the moment had brought tears to his eyes. “I don’t know why I do this whenever I feel as if I am too close to someone. I ruin it intentionally and I push it away. When Thor asked me about it today, I felt the old me resurface as it was more natural and comfortable to do so. But it was a lie.”
You let out a long breath, appearing to think something over. “Just so we’re clear, how exactly do you feel about me?”
Loki felt the panic rise in his chest as you looked at him waiting for his response. The moment felt intense and the childish part inside of him begged him to run away from it. But he held his ground and cleared his throat, wanting his words to be clear. “I love you. Deeply. More than I anticipated that I could ever care for another person. I never want to leave you, and find myself trying to prove to you that I am a worthy partner to stay with, even though deep down I don’t feel as such. I would understand if you didn’t believe me, given what happened today. But this is the truth.”
Loki saw a blush had coloured your cheeks and you were fighting back your own tears at his words. “If we continue to do this,” you said, your voice thick with emotion, “I won’t stay if you are dismissive of what we have. If I ever hear you speak of me like that again, I will leave, do you understand?”
“You are willing to give me another chance?” Loki asked, his tears falling down his cheeks.
“Promise me that you will never do this again. I don’t think you realize how much those words hurt to hear. No one wants to feel worthless, especially to their partner.”
Loki set down the knife, slowly approaching you, not moving too fast in case you changed your mind. When he was close to you, he held out his arms, and was relieved when you stood up, pressing into his chest and allowing him to wrap his arms around you.
“I’m sorry.” He said, pressing his face into your hair. “I’m so sorry.”
You started crying, pressing your face firmly against his chest. You tried speaking but your words were indistinguishable from your tears.
“I’ll never hurt you again,” he whispered, “I promise.”
He held you like that for a while until you calmed, wiping your tears away with his hand when he could. “How are you feeling?” he asked, pressing his lips to your hair.
“I’m still hungry.” You said, looking up at him, “are you going to finish whatever you were making?”
Loki chuckled, leaning down to kiss your forehead, “Of course. Anything for you.”