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Like the rumbling of thunder would announce an oncoming storm, Aqua softly quieting out of a conversation was a clear signal of dark waves coming up to swallow her whole. It took all of her strength to keep it at her knees — over ten years of push and pull in a battle for her life, the threshold of her sanity had irrevocably been lowered, so it was a miracle the warriors of light had managed to get her head out of the water when they did. Yes, only a miracle could’ve pulled her out… Now, it was a matter of keeping it at bay. There would be time to breathe again after the battle was done. It was the least she could do after they went through all that trouble for her.
But the tides loomed in every silence, whispered in every hesitation. With her own voice, in her own head, shadowing the world in front of her eyes in favor of nightmares come to life.
Naively, she thought no one but her would notice her retreats to her thoughts. After all, there were more pressing matters at hand, and one person being quiet in a conversation between a group this big and energetic was something easy to overlook; an easy escape, made for easy prey. Besides, she had always been the reserved one, introversion and introspection, think before you act, overthink and not act, simplify and betray, grieve and lose.
"Something wrong?"
Aqua felt a set of eyes on her, a powerful yet calm gaze, and she wasn't quite sure if it was his words or his intent that pulled her out of her reverie.
"Riku..." She whispered, her astonishment exhaling out of her before she could put back on her together-mask. "Um, no, everything is fine. Did I... distract you?"
"I was actually wondering if I distracted you."
Aqua had already forgotten all about the important talk she was supposed to be a vital part of. Had Riku said something that brought on the fog? Had she been even paying attention? Had her mind been busy drowning her all along?
The lack of a response was, apparently, a response all on its own for Riku, as he leaned closer to her so that no one else could hear.
"Would you like to, ah..." Riku started slowly, then regrouped. She could see he struggled to make words happen, like he really wanted to convey this confidence and candor, but didn't really have practice in the art of talking to other people. It felt... familiar and warm. "If you ever need to talk about it.... About that realm," Aqua knew Riku saw her flinch at the word, "Just let me know."
It was hard to remember she wasn't the only one who had gone through the hardship of being trapped in the realm of never-ending despair. It was hard to stomp off the resentment over everybody else's short-timed struggles compared to hers, especially as they all laughed like nothing was wrong, exactly the same laughter they probably had while she was trapped, like no one was waiting, like her being there or not didn't change a thing.
But that's right, Riku had been trapped there too. And not even as a Keyblade Master, but as a kid, scared and regretful and defenseless. Out of all of them, of course it was Riku who had noticed her silences — he probably recognized them as his own.
Taking her hand to her phantomly-aching chest, she leaned closer, just like him.
"Thank you. But I'm not sure what I would even say..."
Yen Sid raised his voice and all chatter ceased. They were to rest tonight, for the last battle would take place the next day. No rest for the wicked, as they say.
After a bow, the group broke formation. Ven went straight to Lea, burning to talk about how tall he had gotten over the last ten years. Donald and Goofy rounded on Sora, and Kairi joined them. But Riku didn't move a muscle and stayed right beside her, giving her the same open look and his undivided attention. Something about that simple gesture got her choked up.
"All right, you have convinced me," Aqua chuckled. Riku smiled back.
The boy excused himself to his friends, asking for a bit of time before they returned to their islands. None minded, and so, he led her down the magical stairs of the tower all the way to the entrance, to the small set of steps outside. He took a seat on them and invited her to do the same. Out of a politeness she didn't know she still upheld, Aqua folded her skirts to sit.
She hadn't really looked at the place the two times she had arrived, more preoccupying thoughts filling her short walk from the Gummi Ship to the tower on both occasions. Now she could see and appreciate the brown steps of a brown mystical tower, the green trees of a green floating island, the white stars on a black night sky, the silence of the no-place-no-time they were taking refuge in. Truly a remarkable place, befitting of such a wise man. Something else that hadn't changed despite her prolonged suffering.
Too soon, she was already under the surface, dragged down by envy and shame. But Riku's voice brought her afloat once more.
"At first, I didn't know what to think," Riku said, as if continuing a conversation, and Aqua thought it was kind of him to take the pressure of starting the ordeal. "Every time I had a moment on my own, I would hear it: My own voice, feeding me my worst fears."
A twisted reflection on a mirror, on the surface of the water, looked back at her through her memories, and Aqua fought to suppress a shiver.
"And it wasn't hard to find them: I opened the door to darkness because I was selfish, and many suffered for it. I turned my back on my friends and they might've never forgiven me for all I did. I succumbed to the darkness, lost myself, gave the bad guy the advantage. I worked to make things better from the shadows only because I couldn't live with the guilt. The voice repeated it so many times that I started to believe it: That I was this horrible person, and I could no longer recognize myself."
Aqua had heard the story, pieces of it, but never approached it like Riku was presenting it. He made it sound, or rather, the voice made it sound like a tragic tale, full of hate, where a happy ending was as impossible as... her ever finding the way out of the shadows.
"Truth is, the realm of darkness follows you."
Aqua squeezed her hands and eyes shut to keep in a sudden overflow of despair. As if foreseeing this, Riku paused and gave her a much-needed moment to process.
“For me…” Riku continued after Aqua opened her eyes again, breaking back towards the surface, “It was more than just the voice. I saw things. My body reacted as though it were in danger. And sometimes, it was hard to even think.”
Yes, that was exactly what nobody seemed to understand. Just because she had left the physical prison that was the realm of darkness, it didn’t mean her heart was any closer to the light. Out of the corner of her eye, in the edges of sleep, in the shadow of her heart; the darkness was with her. It would not leave her alone. Like a chain around her ankle, it pulled and pulled away from the surface; away from the light.
It wasn’t just that, either — Xehanort was still wreaking havoc, Terra was under his control, Ven had been trapped in his own sleeping jail, the realm of light was still under siege.
So why had she been suffering for so long? What was the point of it?
Riku, once again, gave space to her thoughts before he kept going.
“Mickey and I, we’ve talked about this before. He too has some difficulties… but it’s not my place to speak of them.”
There he was, shining like a beacon through Riku’s affectionate recollection, the King himself. Aqua swallowed hard and strong, trying to drown the thoughts before they could reach her, yet the resentment bubbled up either way. The King was the person who had left her behind.
However, he had left to save the realm of light. To save Riku. She could not fault him for that. Especially when she had sacrificed herself to get him there. Shame crept up again, wrapping like a frosted vine around her neck.
Aqua wished that they never had this talk in the first place. She wished she could just walk away; from Riku, from his words, from these feelings.
But Riku was serene and patient. As if he had all the time in the world for her. He was willing to lay himself bare to help her suffering.
Instead of running, like her body was begging her to do, Aqua rested her chin atop her hands.
"Knowing that I'm not going crazy really helps," Aqua sort-of joked. Riku, bless his heart, laughed along.
Then, he remained quiet. Aqua recognized he was giving her the space to speak now.
Despite her properness, she sighed.
“I’m so sorry, Riku, I know you’re trying,” she said, every word heavy out of her mouth, sinking into the depths.
Riku’s smile didn’t disappear; he didn’t look away from the starry sky. “I just wanted you to know you’re not alone. It may feel like it… but you’re not.”
Aqua nodded, though she said nothing. Riku, a warrior of light, a Keyblade Master, friends with everyone, one of her rescuers — of course he would lend a hand to her in her moment of need.
Yet Riku was sharp and knew that nod was not true.
“But it's not all bad,” he suddenly added.
Riku knew that statement would grant him a stunned, maybe even offended look from the other Keyblade Master. He was ready to counter it with a soft smile.
“To me, the darkness is a reminder of who I don't want to be. The voice keeps me in the straight and narrow. And… accepting that it will always be there helps me accept myself. All sides of me. Even the ugly.”
Aqua properly frowned at the younger boy. She knew he was special, for Yen Sid and the King had said so. He had mastered both light and dark. But this notion that Aqua could do the same with her experiences was ludicrous, at best.
Riku once again waited for her to share her thoughts aloud. When she didn’t, he kept going.
“After returning to being me, the hardest part was letting go of… the guilt. Having fallen so low, hurting others, and, most of all, being stuck with the darkness in my head and in my heart. It was… shameful.”
Playfully, Riku covered his lips with his finger and motioned Aqua to look at him.
“Don't tell Sora or Kairi. I finally got them to not worry about me.”
Aqua somewhat smiled. Riku blinked and the mischief was gone from his face. His voice, lulling and steady throughout the entire talk, now showed weakness, quieting down.
“All of it was because… because I was afraid. Afraid that all of it was true. And it made me walk away and end up more lonely and more miserable.”
Aqua’s eyes widened, turning to look at Riku.
“The only way I've found to push past that is, not to ignore it, but face it head-on.”
Riku stood up, his hands squeezing into determined fists.
“But I'm not tearing myself apart from my mistakes. I accept them, and I know I will do better. I will continue to move forward and do my best.”
Aqua’s mouth opened in stunned silence. It was like… like he knew exactly what she needed to hear.
No, it wasn’t “like” it. He knew. Because he had suffered through it as well. And, in her misery, Aqua had forgotten that others could suffer too.
Shame once again froze her in place. But Riku kept going, unbothered.
“The darkness helps me see the light. And, if with it I can help the light shine brighter, then I'm willing to do that. For the person… for the people that matter.”
Terra and Ven showed up in front of her eyes. Aqua looked on the verge of tears.
Riku turned toward Aqua with concern and care in his eyes. He silently asked for permission before gently pressing his hands on her shoulders. Aqua’s breath halted — the movement was very reminiscent of Terra.
“One thing I learned was that pushing my feelings down will only make them resurface stronger and more vicious later on,” Riku continued, now holding Aqua’s gaze. “If it fills my mind, I need to let it happen. Otherwise, resentment will fester inside my heart. For myself and for others.”
Aqua nodded. And, this time, Riku knew she meant it.
“You have to let yourself feel it, Aqua. Or you risk losing yourself again.”
Aqua knew what her namesake meant. She also knew her body was made of mostly water. However, she did not know or anticipate her eyes would give into the breaking of the dam. First, it was a single tear. Then, another. And, as she tried to breathe to get it under control, a wet sob whined out of her open mouth. She quickly covered it, but that did nothing to stop the crying.
The water was finally making its way out of her.
That is when Aqua realized she hadn’t needed words, not through the entire conversation. What poured from her was exactly what needed to come out.
Riku, still holding onto her shoulders, gave her an awkward pat. But he didn’t leave her, didn’t say a thing against her.
The Keyblade Master Riku knew a lot more than he let on for his young age, it seemed.
Aqua wept with her mouth covered for what felt like too long and not long at all. The water was warm as it left her, and with it, a release she didn’t know she could feel dropped out as well.
By the time she was done, Aqua felt lighter. The darkness receded. And she found it in herself to be able to smile at the boy — in gratefulness, in kinship, in relief.
“Thank you, Riku.”
“Don’t mention it,” Riku replied with a smile of his own. “I should’ve brought napkins.”
Aqua let out a laugh that surprised even herself.
“I don’t think either of us were prepared for this,” she replied with a little disdain for herself.
“Don’t be hard on yourself,” Riku caught her. “This was… good for you.”
“Yes… I think it was,” Aqua found herself agreeing.
After a few more minutes to let Aqua rest, which they spent in comfortable silence, they stood up and smiled at one another. This would be their little secret for now, at least until the war was over.
As they climbed the stairs, Aqua processed her emotions. The waters inside Aqua were not gone, just at bay — currently as serene as a lake. And that was the most she could ask for. This calm would grant her the power to release Terra, she was certain of it. She wouldn’t fail as she had failed Ven. And Xehanort… would pay for his evil deeds, if she had a say in it.