Archive of Our Own

A door slammed somewhere in the house, making the brunette jump a little as she kept shoving her clothes into trash bags. Her heart rate picked up and she started moving faster, swallowing hard when the sound of heavy footsteps crashed down the hallway. She’d really hoped she was going to get of here before Clarke got home. Luck wasn’t on her side it seemed. Their bedroom door swung open and an envelope and folded papers flew at her, falling to the floor before they could reach her though.

“So you’re just going to fucking leave?!”

Fuck. Lexa’s hands stopped and she hung her head, sighing heavily. Time for damage control.

“I have a responsibility to uphold, Clarke. It’s my family’s-“

“YOUR FAMILY’S LEXA, NOT JUST YOURS!”

She flinched and took a deep breath to steady herself. This was another reason why she didn’t want to stay. On top of the looming deadline of getting out to her family’s ranch in Wyoming before the state came in and leveled every acre, she and Clarke had been at each other’s throats for months. She loved her wife, and they had a nearly perfect marriage before her uncle passed away. However, Clarke had been so angry lately. Lexa chocked it up to be the stress of being in her last year of residency, but she couldn’t take the verbal abuse anymore. They had tried to talk things out time and time again, but it always ended in a screaming match, and Lexa sleeping on the couch.

Another factor was that she’d given up her own dream of running her families ranch in Laramie to move in with Clarke. There was a bitter taste in her mouth as she looked around their bedroom of beige and green tones, with pictures of mountains hanging on every wall. Looking at it made her long to be on them, riding through valleys and foothills; Not getting stuck in traffic just so she could drive over two hours out to her mediocre ranch hand job in Leadville. Lexa knew that Clarke being a doctor would come with having to live at least somewhere near a larger city, just for the fact that she had a hot chance in hell to get a job after residency in any small town. She didn’t think that she would be sucked into a suburban neighborhood with nothing but her truck left.

Finally, after a moment of silence and breathing, she looked up to her wife and nearly took it all back. Her eyes were red and puffy and her bottom lip was trembling. She instantly stopped what she was doing and circled around the bed to pull Clarke into a hug, but was pushed away before she got the chance. Her face fell and she tried to think of something to say, but knew that nothing would fix this. Nothing would fix them because they were already broken.

“I have to go, Clarke. Lincoln is trying, but Octavia just had a baby and he can’t leave her alone forever, and Anya can’t even ride a horse, let alone run an entire ranch by herself. Part of the downside of going with mom after my parents divorced.”

“So it’s fine for them to just leave it all on you instead? What about me, Lexa? Do I mean so fucking little to you that you’re that ready to leave? And clearly without wanting to say goodbye!”

Clarke motioned to the packed suitcases and trash bags around the room. She was right about that. She didn’t want to be having this conversation right now and wanted even more to just be able to go without having to watch it tear her wife apart.

“I’m not happy here, Clarke. When I moved here for you, I never imagined I’d be stuck in some fucking two story cookie cutter home with nothing going for me. I drive two hours to work at a dude ranch every day! And I come back so that I can say goodnight and good morning because I know you like how domestic it feels.”

“Don’t blame this on me! You made the choice to move here on your own! I told you I don’t mind living further away from work because I know you wanted land for a ranch-“

“Clarke I can’t just pull money out of my ass to start an entire ranch on my own. I would’ve by now if that was an option, but between your student loans and my shitty ass job, I can barely put enough gas in my truck some days.”

“So your solution is giving up?”

Clarke’s voice cracked and Lexa sat down on the edge of their bed. She stared at the floor, refusing to acknowledge the tears running down her own face.

“I’m suffocating here. It isn’t easy, leaving you. I can’t live like this though. I fell in love with the you that was vibrant and full of life and passion. The you that studied in the bunkhouse while the rest of us got drunk on PBR and whiskey. When you told me that you’d been offered a residency position in Colorado Springs, I couldn’t just tell you no and hold you back. I had hoped that you would get an offer in Fort Collins or Cheyenne, but I knew you had to take what you could get. And I was so fucking proud of you, Clarke. I still am. I wanted to be with you to support you.”

At some point during her speech, Clarke had sat down against the wall opposite of her. Tears were running down her face in streams and her body was shaking with quiet sobs. She wanted so badly to walk over there and wipe her tears, but it wouldn’t do them any good.

“You could’ve at least talked to me about it. We could’ve come up with something.”

Lexa shook her head.

“We haven’t been happy in months, baby. I don’t even remember the last time we said I love you to each other. If I drag you off to some small town with no future for you, you’ll resent me for it. If I stay here… well I’m already there.”

A louder cry broke out from Clarke, and Lexa couldn’t help herself this time. She left the bed and knelt down on the floor, pulling the woman who was once the love of her life into her arms. They held onto each other for a while. Lexa didn’t keep track of time, but it was long enough that the summer sky turned from pale blue, to orange, to black. Eventually they couldn’t cry anymore, and their tears dried, leaving their eyes itchy and red. Lexa spoke into the soft blonde hair atop Clarke’s head.

“I need to go now. Lincoln is expecting me to be there tonight so that he can head home in the morning.”

Ten days later, Lexa had buried divorce papers in empty whiskey bottles.

While being back on the ranch was good for her soul, it was terrible for her health. She’d picked up smoking and was drunk most nights, sometimes not even making it back to the cabin before starting. She’d also picked up the habit of coming home every weekend with a new woman on her arm, ignoring the judgmental looks from the ranch hands who had noticed her nose dive into self destruction.

Two years into her adventure, she’d met Costia, and things slowed down a bit. She stopped smoking because her girlfriend said it grossed her out. She stopped drinking because she was on her third DUI in a year. She stopped sleeping around because in some way, Costia reminded her of Clarke. Really it was just the blonde hair and blue eyes. She was a barrel racer from the next town over, and started sleeping in her bunkhouse when her ex kicked her out.

One year into their relationship, Lexa got a letter from Clarke, inviting her to her father’s funeral. Costia had insisted on coming with, and Lexa didn’t have the balls to say no. It resulted in her and Clarke getting in a screaming match in the tool shed in Abby Griffin’s back yard, followed by Lexa being knuckle deep inside of the blonde. Neither of them spoke again after that, and Lexa said her goodbyes to her former mother in law, earning a very much deserved scowl and instructions to get the fuck out of her house. Lexa didn’t argue.

Her relationship with Costia worked because she had control over the rancher, like a dog chained down in its owners yard. All chains snapped eventually though. Lexa had come into the cabin late one night, exhausted and sore from her all day attempt at breaking a horse when she’d found the woman fucking one of the ranch hands in her own bed. She hadn’t given them a second to even get their clothes on before she was on top of the man and sending her fist into his jaw.

With Costia gone like the wind, and one good hand down, Lexa fell right back into binge drinking. It took both Lincoln and Anya showing up, and her right hand, Aden, fist fighting her for her to get over herself. That’s when she was finally able to accept that her life in Wyoming wasn’t what she wanted. After speaking with her family, they’d all agreed that it just wasn’t in anyone’s best interest to keep the land. It played at her heart strings a bit when she thought of her memories as a child on the ranch, learning how to ride, how to rope and how to live off of the land all at the help of her fathers and uncles hands. Life would be different without it, but that was okay.

~•~ Five years later ~•~

“Murphy, can you please start an IV in room 5? Set it for 650mL of saline and then he’s free to go after. I’ve already signed his discharge papers.”

The nurse looked up from his computer and nodded at her, standing up slowly with popping knees.

“Got it. God I need to start doing some exercises to strengthen my knees.”

Clarke rolled her eyes and laughed. It was all she could do when he kicked his leg up and popped his left knee. The sound made her wince. Behind her, someone was calling her name. She turned around to find Bellamy running towards her with a clipboard in hand.

“Dr. Griffin!”

The other doctor caught up to her, and Clarke took in the mans disheveled appearance. They worked at an ER in downtown Colorado Springs, where on a good day they might not have patients on beds in the hallway.

“Hey, everything alright?”

He laid his hand on her arm and nodded, a little winded.

“Yeah, I’m fine. But… there was a rodeo accident. Rodeo clown and the rider both got stepped on by a horse. The clown got it a bit worse with abdominal trauma, but the rider-“

“Dr. Griffin, you’ve got a patient with a broken arm and lacerations to the skin in room 2 that needs assessing. It was a pretty clean break on the X-ray, we just need your confirmation to cast and stitch it before I go get the supplies.”

Clarke turned around to her other side, feeling like she was in a revolving door. She was about to ask for one person to talk at a time, but Bellamy sighed and Clarke squinted her eyes at the man as she yanked the clipboard from his hands. Staring back at her was her ex wife’s name, and a chief complaint of a left arm fracture. She flipped through the papers and looked at a printout of her X-ray. The blonde closed her eyes and took a deep, steadying breath.

“Okay, thank you, Dr. Blake. Maya.”

She nodded at them both and walked off to room 2, a migraine already forming between her eyes. With her hand on the door and a groan, she entered the room with an unpleasant smile.

“Lexa.”

The brunettes head popped up from her phone and her forest green eyes tore Clarke’s soul open. Next to her, her brother Lincoln snickered and stood up without a second thought. He took his cowboy hat from the side table, sliding it back over his head.

“I’ll just let you two talk this one out. Nice to see you, Clarke.”

Lincoln was always Clarke’s favorite member of the Woods family. He was a giant teddy bear most of the time, and respected her decision to leave when no one else had. He still texted her from time to time to check in too. As he passed her in the doorway, he put his hand on her arm and whispered to her.

“Try not to kill each other.”

And just like that, they were alone again for the first time in five years… excluding the tool shed. Clarke threw the clipboard down on the counter and folded her arms. Lexa was in one of her signature embroidered green button downs. Her jeans were covered in dirt and sliding up her legs, revealing the same pair of boots she’d had since they started dating. They were creased and the leather was faded and scratched. The brass tip on one of them had fallen off years ago, and it looked like she never got it fixed. Her brown hair was in a long braid thrown over right shoulder, and as she shamelessly trailed her eyes down the woman’s body, that’s when she noticed her arm. The left sleeve of her favored green shirt was torn open and blood was soaking through a few pads of gauze that she was holding to the injury.

“I hope you’re not putting too much pressure on that.”

She finally walked up to the bed and pulled Lexa’s other hand away. She cursed under her breath when a wicked gouge and swelling over a slightly bent arm stared back at her.

“Nice to see you too, darling.”

Clarke’s eyes flew up to Lexa’s face and she glared at her. Lexa chuckled and leaned her head back into the pillow. If her ex could’ve read her mind, she would’ve heard her swooning over her thick, back country accent. When Clarke kept her mouth shut and didn’t humor her comment, Lexa continued.

“Sorry. I forgot we’re not allowed to be pleasant around each other anymore.”

The blonde sat down on her rolling chair and pushed herself over to the counter, opening drawers and pulling out all of the necessary items for stitches and to clean the wound there. She ignored the comment.

“Did you wrap it on the way over?”

A small ‘hmm’ left Lexa’s throat and Clarke sighed as she began to gently wipe the clotting blood and dirt out of it.

“Clearly not. You didn’t even clean it?”

Lexa tilted her head over to watch the blonde work.

“I drove myself here. Didn’t really have time to clean it.”

The doctor’s head whipped up from the wound and her body jostled, causing her hand to push against the woman’s arm. Lexa hissed and Clarke flinched a bit as she pulled her hand away.

“Sorry, but are you fucking stupid? What was Lincoln doing here then?”

“He met me here. Said he’d drive me home if I needed someone to. The ambulance had the person who actually needed emergency care in it, and my right arm is fine so I didn’t see a problem with it.”

Clarke’s spikes went down some at that. Bellamy did mention that the rodeo clown had gotten stepped on in his abdominal area and probably had some pretty bad internal bleeding or cracked ribs at least. She went back to cleaning the wound. When she was finally satisfied with it and had carefully pushed a wad of gauze into it so she could change her gloves, she looked up at Lexa’s face.

“So you’re back in the rodeo scene?”

Lexa shook her head and rubbed her fingers over the brim of her hat.

“Not really. I do it for fun every once in a while. Usually I just supply the horses, but you know me. When I see a shiny new buckle, I can’t pass it up.”

Clarke did know that. Lexa had a display case full of buckles that she’d one in her younger days. The days when Clarke was still in love with the reckless adrenaline junky of a woman who didn’t care if she lived or died. In truth, Clarke was still in love with that side of the brunette, but she was more in love with the Lexa that woke up before the sun with coffee in hand and a goal to move cattle all day.

“Seems like you got lucky today. Maybe you have enough buckles.”

Her voice was quiet, and she saw Lexa’s head shake and the small, sad smile take over her face.

“I was thinking the same thing. I don’t recover as easily now. I guess being 37 does that to you.”

Like 37 was even considered old. Maybe for someone who spent their whole life with broken bones it was. Clarke peeled the gauze back and lifted Lexa’s arm up, sliding a pillow underneath it. She put on a new pair of gloves and started stitching the skin back together.

“So what happened?”

The sad smile on her face turned into a smirk when her hand reached into her hat to pull out a silver buckle with the name ‘Pikes Peak’ plastered on the bottom in gaudy, bold letters.

“Well, I went the whole eight seconds and more. It wasn’t until I had jumped off and was running back to the railing that I heard a bunch of people yelling behind me. I got stepped on trying to pull the guy out of there.”

Lexa laughed and put the buckle back into her hat.

“It was a pretty good ride. You know what’s a little embarrassing though? I think my sciatica hurts worse than my fucking arm does right now.”

Clarke laughed then too and pulled the final stitch through the brunettes arm, tying it off into a tight knot. She cut the string, peeled her gloves off and set everything on the stainless steel tray next to her.

“I’ll make sure to order a donut for you. I wouldn’t want the rugged ranchers ass to be sore. Those stitches are dissolvable by the way, so no need to worry about getting them out. Now, what color do you want for your cast?”

When she looked back at Lexa, her heart stopped. Her eyes were locked onto Clarke’s in one of the most intense, but also the softest stare. Clarke licked her lips and suddenly the woman’s cologne that she hadn’t smelled before was seeping into her senses. It was heavy with the scent of cedar and something spicy.

“Blue.”

Well this was a predicament. Clarke did not need to get roped into a situationship with her ex wife. When Lexa sat up and cupped Clarke’s face with her good hand though, she was 22 again and falling head over heels for the sexiest cowgirl in the bar.

“Hey I grabbed-“

Clarke jerked away and whipped her head over to see Murphy in the doorway with a basket of casting materials. She let out a sigh of relief and her shoulders slumped. Of all of the people in the ER, he was the least likely to judge her for her teenage tendencies.

“Thank you, is there blue in there by chance?”

He nodded and set the basket down on the counter.

“Blue and green are the only colors left, unless you want your cast turning brown by day because you chose white for some reason. Apparently there’s a national shortage of this shit. First blue tops, now cast tape. Anyways, do you want me to finish up?”

Clarke truly loved this man’s quirk and attitude. He was one of the biggest reasons she got through work most days.

“No, I can handle it. Thank you though.”

He gave her a knowing look and flicked an eyebrow up.

“Anytime Griffin.”

He slipped out of the room, leaving them alone for the second time. Clarke took the distraction as an opportunity to wheel herself back to the counter. She cleared off the used equipment and laid a new towel down. Two rolls of padding, three rolls of cast tape, a sleeve and a water basin. She slid on her third pair of new gloves and turned around with the tray.

“It’s been a while since I’ve gotten to watch you be all doctor Clarke. It’s kinda hot.”

Clarke rolled her eyes and sighed as she knew the next step of this, and it wasn’t going to make this any easier.

“Take your shirt off.”

Lexa blushed. That was refreshing to see.

“I’m sorry?”

“So I can put your cast on. Can you get out of your shirt or do I need to cut the sleeve off?”

The blush was still there, but she shook her head and cleared her throat as she pulled the snap buttons apart and literally wiggled it down her arms. Clarke’s mind could only think one thing, and you could argue over how literal the thought was. Fuck me. Lexa’s body may have aged in the way of her not being as indestructible as before, but you wouldn’t be able to tell by looking at her. Her entire upper body was a chiseled masterpiece of muscle. She had on a white tank top over a sports bra, but it did nothing to hide her abs underneath the cotton fabric. Clarke had to look away for a few seconds before she continued. Lexa quickly caught on and smirked.

“Don’t even start.”

The doctor picked up Lexa’s arm to slide the sleeve over so that it covered her entire arm and bent it to slightly more than a 90° angle.

“Keep it bent like that and hold it up for me.”

Lexa did as she was told, but never let her eyes fall off of Clarke’s.

“You can’t ignore me forever.”

“I’m not ignoring you. I’m doing my job.”

Clarke wrapped the padding around her arm, all the way from her hand up past her elbow. Lexa frowned and furrowed her brows.

“You’re doing a full arm cast? I thought it was just my forearm that broke.”

“Yes, but you broke it in three spots. I don’t want you having any mobility with the cast on it. You’re honestly lucky that Dr. Blake is having me cast it and not sending you for surgery.”

Lexa bristled a bit at the name.

“You still work with Bellamy?”

“Lexa he’s the head of orthopedic surgery. Yes, I work with him. Where’s Costia?”

They glared at each other for all of five seconds. Lexa was the first to give in with a small laugh. Clarke dipped the first roll of cast tape in the water, squeezing out the excess and began the slow process of wrapping her arm.

“Gone. We broke up over a year ago, and I sold the ranch.”

Clarke paused her motion and moved her gaze up the Lexa’s face.

“Seriously? What made you do that?”

Lexa lifted her other arm and twirled Clarke’s hair in her fingers.

“I realized it wasn’t what I wanted.”

“You don’t want to run your families ranch?That’s a hot crock of shit if I’ve ever heard one.”

The cowgirl shook her head and sighed.

“No. I realized I didn’t want to do it without you.”

With the first roll of tape finished, Clarke put her hand underneath Lexa’s elbow to support her arm. She was once again not making eye contact with her ex. The brunette must’ve taken it as a sign that she wasn’t going to say anything.

“I bought 800 acres a few miles west of Canon City. The previous owner of it passed away and left it all to his son. He decided to sell the pasteurized parts, so I cut the herd and put a house up on it. I still have just over sixty cattle already grazing one of the pastures.”

Clarke was chewing on her lip. She cut the excess off of the sleeve and folded it over the ends of the first layer, sliding Lexa’s thumb through a hole in the end. The brunette was looking at her with the biggest puppy dog eyes.

“Did you think that doing that would change how I feel, or make me forgive you for how you ended things between us?”

The doctor started the second layer of tape with a touch of aggression in her movements. She didn’t want to hear anything that Lexa had to say now. Any kind of softness that she felt before was gone and replaced by the memory of how hard she’d fought these last five years to get over the woman in front of her.

“Clarke…”

She was done faster than she would normally be, and was now forming it, trying to be fast but still mindful that she was putting a cast on somebody. Whether that somebody was her ex wife or not didn’t matter. When she was satisfied with it, she peeled the final set of gloves off and threw them onto the tray. Before she had the chance to back up, Lexa’s good hand grabbed her wrist.

“I’m going to be completely up front with you. Yes, I sold the ranch, half of the herd and three of my stallions so that I could buy land out here to be closer to you again. I fucked up when I left. I fucked up when I told you that I wanted more than what I had here, because there is nothing worth more than you. Land, cattle and horses can be bought and sold. You… you Clarke, are worth more than that. You’re worth more than a shiny buckle and my families pride. I realized that too late.”

Lexa pulled the buckle back out of her hat and ran her thumb over the silver inlays. She looked up at Clarke through thick lashes.

“I wasn’t going to come to you until I had a new one to give you. I know it’s five years too late and a stupid gesture, but it was the best way I knew how to show you that I wanted to come back.”

Clarke’s head was pounding from the migraine she’d already had when she came in the room, addled by her brain trying to process Lexa’s words. This woman could charm the pants off of a nun. That was the scariest thing about her, and it was even scarier that Clarke thought it might be working on her right now. She had to stop this and leave.

“Lexa, I won’t be the second most important thing in your life again. I’m not going to be your consolation prize.”

The forest green eyes staring up at her swelled with tears, and Clarke fought her own that she could feel forming. She may have been hurt and angry over how things ended between them originally, but she wouldn’t deny that she was still in love with Lexa. When the rancher had left her for Wyoming, she’d taken her heart with her. Lexa dropped her wrist and cupped her face again with her hand that was shaking ever so slightly.

“I’m so sorry, Clarke. I’m sorry for leaving. You were always the best thing in my life, and I was so so stupid for giving it up. You’ll never be a consolation prize to me. You’ll never be something that I just win back and put away like a trophy.”

Clarke closed her eyes and angled her head down and onto the warm hand as she attempted to keep her breathing under control. Screw her for coming back. Screw her for leaving in the first place. She hated and loved her so much it hurt. Her eyes peeled back open and she rested her own hand over the calloused one on her cheek.

“I hate you for coming back here. So much.”

Lexa’s face fell and for a second, it felt good to watch her hurt too.

“But I never stopped loving you, and I think I hate myself even more for that.”

Clarke leaned her head forward and rested their foreheads together. She was fighting back tears, not because she didn’t want to cry, but because eventually she’d have to get back to taking care of other patients. She was sure there were already rooms back to back waiting for a doctor to come in. As if on queue, the door opened again with a gentle knock. Murphy peaked his head in and cleared his throat.

“I’m really sorry to interrupt your little romance novel excerpt, but there was a pile up on the highway and the other hospital nearby is on divert. We’re gonna need you out here, and Jaha might need you in the OR too depending on what comes in.”

And just like the trained professional that she was, the tears in her eyes dried up and the hard expression on her face was back. She backed away from Lexa and cleared her throat.

“If I don’t have to stay overnight, and you don’t mind waiting, I’ll be off in four hours. We can talk more.”

Lexa blinked at the drastic mood change, but caught on and wiped her eyes. She pushed herself up and put her hat back on, shuffling it down onto her head. She closed the distance between them and slipped the belt buckle that she’d been holding awkwardly in her casted hand into the pocket on Clarke’s lab coat.

“I’ll be here. I need to run the trailer and horses home, but I’ll be back here waiting for you to get off. You can hold onto that for me until then.”

Clarke watched Lexa walk away and out of the room, moving around Murphy who was still standing in the doorway. He gave her another look.

“So that’s your ex wife?”

“John-“

“Ooookay, yeah I’ll leave it alone if you’re gonna use my first name. Room 4 is ready for you.”

He turned on his heel and laughed while walking away. Clarke shook her head and threw all of the leftover trash in the room away, then followed him out and took the clipboard off of room 4’s door. With a deep breath and a professional smile plastered onto her face, she was entering the room.

~•~•~

Four hours went by fast when you were being shuffled between patient rooms. Thankfully she wasn’t needed in any surgeries either. For a pile up on one of the most congested highways in Colorado, the injuries weren’t all that bad. A broken leg, some cracked ribs and a fractured vertebrae that would heal with rest. Most of them had been cases of whiplash or mild concussions, and Clarke was extremely grateful as she was wiggling out of her scrubs and into a t shirt and a pair of jeans. She’d been at the hospital for three days now, and while she’d been able to sleep during rotations, there was nothing like falling into her bed and sleeping for a day. However, the one thing on her mind right now was going outside and finding Lexa.

With her gym bag on her shoulder and her hair loose around her shoulders instead of up in a tight ponytail, she stepped outside with the lingering fear of not seeing her ex. That fear was quickly washed away by a very clearly Lexa styled truck idling in the ER parking lot with a diesel engine rumbling loudly. As Clarke approached, she noticed the king ranch logo on the side, and the four wheels in the back. It had shiny black paint and gold trim, lights on the top and steer horns tied to the front. Clarke shook her head. Yeah, this was definitely Lexa’s truck. That thought was confirmed when the woman stepped out of it and met Clarke a few strides away from it.

They stood a few steps apart, and against her better judgement, Clarke was the first one to make a move. Years of loneliness combined with a somewhat unwelcome feeling blossoming in her chest had her arms wrapping around Lexa’s waist. The action had clearly taken Lexa by surprise, but only for a few seconds before she was being hugged back by her one good arm.

“Clarke..”

“Don’t talk. Let me just enjoy this before I start overthinking things.”

Clarke felt the woman’s body shake from laughter and she took the opportunity to run her hands up Lexa’s obscenely muscular back. She was still in the same tank top, and her one arm was flexing as it wrapped around the blondes body.

“I hate that you’re still in such good shape.”

“Mm, do you?”

“…no.”

Clarke could practically feel her ex’s ego inflating. She rolled her eyes and stepped back, pulling her bag from her shoulder and was about to throw it in the bed, but was stopped when Lexa grabbed the strap of it and pulled it into her grasp instead.

“What are you doing?”

Clarke’s eyes flicked from her bag to Lexa’s face, and back to her bag.

“I was going to throw it in the bed. Am I not allowed to do that?”

Lexa flicked her eyebrow up.

“I mean you can, but I have a backseat. The drive to my house is just under an hour on the highway, I didn’t think you’d want to put it in the bed.”

That detail had passed over Clarke’s head when she thought to just throw her stuff in the back. Before their divorce, Lexa drove a dark green 1997 OBS F350 that didn’t have back seats. The typical place for anything that didn’t fit in her lap or on the floor in front of her was just thrown in the bed.

“I guess I’m not used to you having back seats. Did you sell your other truck?”

Lexa shook her head and circled around to the passenger side, Clarke right behind her.

“Hell no. I just only use it on the ranch now.”

She opened the front passenger door and threw the blondes bag over the seat and into the back. She turned around and offered her good hand. Clarke looked at Lexa with a little bit of judgement as she bypassed her hand and took the handle above the seat to pull herself up and into the truck.

“Cowgirl Barbie couldn’t get in the truck on her own?”

Lexa ignored her comment, but Clarke didn’t miss the chuckle that came from her as she shut the door. When she circled around the front of the truck, she didn’t miss the small, giddy jump in her step. The doctor turned around to grab her phone out of the side pocket on her bag, but noticed another bag sitting next to it that was unzipped. Curiosity got the best of her, and her eyes blew wide when she realized what was inside. Lexa sat down, shaking the truck a bit as she shut her own door behind her.

“Lexa why on earth do you have a strap on in your back seat?”

Right as she’d asked the question, Lexa began backing out. At the question though, her foot slammed back down on the brakes and jostled them both. Her head whipped around to the unzipped bag next to Clarke’s. The blonde folded her arms and scoffed.

“Are you just trying to get in my pants, or was this just a backup for someone else in case I told you to go fuck yourself?”

Clarke reached to undo her buckle, but Lexa’s hand found hers and pushed the buckle back in place.

“First off, I have no interest in sleeping with anyone else at all. I didn’t move back here to fuck around like I was in Wyoming. Second… well I’m not really holding my breath, especially now, but I-“

Lexa paused and cringed.

“Yeah, yeah I was hopeful that this was going to go well enough that you would consider. Not that that’s all I want from you! I swear. I wasn’t going to be upset if you didn’t want to, I just wanted to be… prepared?”

“You’re a fucking idiot.”

“I know.”

The blonde had her arms folded in front of her again and a heavy scowl on her face, but she was fighting off a smile too because of the pout on Lexa’s face. She couldn’t fight it any longer when Lexa let out a little “oh!” And held up a coffee cup.

“I bought you coffee?”

In her hands was a large Dutch Bros coffee cup, the phrase ‘oat latte, Irish cream’ written out on the lid. Clarke’s heart warmed. Her drink order had changed over the years, the blonde opting for at least twice the amount of caffeine than what was in a normal latte. The cup in Lexa’s hand held her old order though. One that her ex would bring home every night for her, or to her shifts when she was still working nights.

“You really are trying to get lucky huh?”

Lexa blushed and set the drink back in the cup holder.

“Only if I don’t put my own foot up my ass again by leaving a strap in an unzipped backpack like an amateur.”

Clarke’s laughter filled the truck, and she leaned over the center console to kiss Lexa’s cheek.

“Drive before I change my mind then. I want to see your new place.”

~•~•~

Their drive was uneventful and the lack of speech on either part was filled with music instead. At some point, Lexa had hooked her left hand into the bottom of the steering wheel and rested her right hand on Clarke’s thigh. The blonde was going to argue that she shouldn’t be using her casted arm to drive, but she didn’t bother. She wasn’t using it to do anything strenuous, and Clarke couldn’t deny the comfort that the still familiar but forgotten contact brought her. She didn’t remember when she’d leaned her head back and let herself drift off.

“Clarke, we’re home darling. ”

Lexa didn’t catch herself when she said home. She’d carefully squeezed Clarke’s thigh and tried to shake her awake, succeeding after a minute of trying. Her blue eyes cracked open and she blinked a few times before pushing herself up from her slouched position in the seat. She took a deep breath in and rubbed her eyes, then shook her hair out and rolled her shoulders.

“When did I fall asleep?”

Lexa smiled and turned the truck off, unbuckling her seatbelt.

“Not even ten minutes into the drive. The snoring is new.”

Clarke gaped at her and gently smacked her good arm, feigning offense.

“I do not snore!”

Lexa laughed and pushed her door open, getting out before the blonde could swipe at her again. She ran around the front and to Clarke’s side, opening the door for her as well. Clarke was reaching back for her bag, and picked up the backpack too and Lexa felt her cheeks heat up. Clarke noticed and stepped out, placing the backpack in Lexa’s arms with a wink.

“I never said no.”

The ranchers brain fogged over and her body was acting before her mind had the chance to catch up. She bent down and hooked her right arm around Clarke’s waist and stood up with the blonde over her shoulder. Clarke yelped and latched onto Lexa’s waist. Her legs kicked up and Lexa avoided one of the feet that was coming straight for her head. She laughed and started running up to the house, her porch light flicking on at the movement. She didn’t lock her door since she lived so far out in the middle of nowhere, and Lexa was thanking herself for that as she was able to push through the door without any trouble.

As soon as they were inside, Lexa slammed the door shut, turned around and put Clarke down. The brunette pushed her back against the door and pressed their bodies together. She stopped with her lips just a few inches from the blondes, panting a bit from the sudden excitement coursing through her.

“Tell me to stop-“

Clarke’s lips pressed against hers and her arms wrapped around her neck. She moaned into the kiss and dropped the backpack next to their feet. Her right hand gripped the side of the blondes neck, while her left arm dangled awkwardly at her side. After five years of having sex in the back of her truck with women she didn’t care about, Clarke’s body and lips felt like heaven pressed against hers. She tried to get closer, letting out a frustrated grunt when she didn’t get anywhere. Clarke chuckled against her lips and tilted her head. Her lips were parted and bruised, and her pupils were blown. Lexa chased her lips, whining when the blondes hand pushed at her chest.

She groaned and laid her head down on Clarke’s shoulder, panting. The mild frustration was completely overshadowed though by the euphoric feeling coursing through her veins. She pressed her nose against the side of the blondes neck and inhaled her scent of lilacs and something warm. Lexa whispered into the soft skin, feeling truly at home for the first time since she’d moved into this house.

“I’ve missed you so much.”

Clarke’s arm moved from behind her neck. She heard her hand fiddling around the wall until it found its target. The lights in the entry way leading into the living room turned on and Lexa lifted her head up, letting her eyes readjust to the light. She cracked a smile and looked down at Clarke’s faced which was just as flushed as Lexa’s felt.

“Is this you telling me that I need to give you a tour before I’m allowed to be horny?”

Clarke looked past her and took in the little bit that she was able to see from the entrance. Lexa took that as her confirmation and took Clarke’s hand to start leading her through the house. It wasn’t extravagant by any means, but it was everything Lexa needed. It was a ranch style log house with two stories, a loft and a study. Four bedrooms, three bathrooms and a large family room on the bottom level with a fireplace. A large window peered out at the expanse of land that she lived on with the Sangre De Cristo mountains. Southwestern styled pillows and blankets were thrown about over the couch and loveseat, Animal and fish mounts decorated the walls, and on the wall beside the fireplace, there was a picture of Lexa as a teenager with her siblings, her parents and her uncle all posing in front of the front gate of the Woods Ranch. On the other side was a picture of her on a bronco during a competition that looked like it had come straight out of a magazine. The horses feet were up in the air, Lexa legs locked onto its side with the frills on her chaps flying. One hand was in the air while the other was locked onto the saddle horn.

The kitchen was well equipped, and the cabinetry was painted the same color as the sage that grew wild in the rugged wilds that she was lucky enough to call home. It all came together too when she turned around and saw Clarke with a wide smile, taking in her surroundings. It was brighter than someone would expect a log cabin style home to be and the cream colored walls were far more inviting than the usual dark logs in her old home had been. The whole house aside from the bedrooms had light colored wood floors covered by rugs in different shades or oranges and greens. Clarke seemed to be in awe as the wandered through, and when the reached a spiral staircase that was wrapped around a tree trunk, the blonde just shook her head and ran her finger over the wooden banister.

“This place is beautiful, Lexa. How long did it take to build?”

The brunette flicked on another light, illuminating the upstairs hallway and the stairs. She started walking up then with Clarke still in tow.

“I sold the ranch in Wyoming about eleven months ago, and as soon as the money was in my name and I had the land out here, I started construction. It took just under nine months for them to put everything together.”

They walked up the stairs, hand in hand until they were coming into the loft that separated two smaller guest rooms from the master.

“Where did you stay if you’ve been here for almost a year?”

“With Anya in Denver. I moved into the house though as soon as I was able to and slept on an air mattress for about a month while I got it furnished.”

Clarke had pulled away from her so she could look around the loft, observing the wall of books and running her finger over the spines of some of them.

“How come you waited so long to talk to me?”

Clarke paused, smiling and turning back to Lexa.

“Not that you planned to break your arm I guess. How long were you going to wait if that didn’t happen?”

Lexa walked over to where the blonde stood and picked up her hand. She rubbed her thumb over the woman’s ring finger, frowning a little when she saw that there wasn’t even an indent in her skin anymore where her ring used to sit.

“I couldn’t come back to you until I had something to come back with. I left you for some fairytale life that made me a shell of the person I wanted to be. Even with the house being done, it didn’t feel right. I couldn’t imagine just showing up at your door and asking if you wanted to see my new house and ride off into the sunset like nothing ever happened between us.”

Clarke laughed softly and tangled her fingers with Lexa’s. She felt the blondes pinky swipe over her own ring that she still wore. Lexa continued.

“Maybe tonight was always how it was supposed to happen. I do something as stupid as shoving my body underneath a pissed off horse, and you get to fix up my busted arm. Plus I finally got to give you a new buckle…”

Lexa trailed off when their faces grew closer again. She had more to say though, so she kissed the corner of Clarke’s mouth and fell down to her knees, looking up at her. Her hands still held onto the blondes.

“This whole place is for you, Clarke. The house, every square inch of land and every drop of rain that falls from the sky onto it is for you. This is my apology, and my peace offering. I should’ve never left you in the first place, but I did a lot of growing and self reflection and I know now that you’re it for me, You always have been. I’m all in Clarke. Again.”

Lexa ended with a stupid half grin at her little joke, and it made the blondes chest ache a little bit. Clarke didn’t say anything. She didn’t really know what to say to be honest. She pulled Lexa back up though and crashed their lips back together. This idiot. She felt the brunette smile against her own mouth and the doctor pulled away.

“I haven’t seen your room yet.”

“Do you want to?”

Clarke rolled her eyes and tilted her head.

“Lexa if you don’t take me to your room right now, I’m leaving. And do NOT pick me up again-“

Too late. Lexa was laughing like a kid as she carried Clarke over her shoulder into her bedroom. It was massive and took up the entire south wing of the top floor. Another full wall window overlooked her land going south with the Spanish Peaks staring back at her. A massive Buffalo pelt covered her floor and her king size bed was covered in plush looking blankets and pillows. There was a long cedar chest at the end of her bed, a tv on the wall opposite to it, two doors, one for the bathroom and one for her closet, and another fireplace in the back corner where more books sat on a rotating shelf. She also had her own whiskey bar. Not any of the cheap shit she used to down for fun, but more expensive blends from local distilleries and imports from Japan, Ireland and Scotland, that she could savor after a long day.

Lexa flicked on the light and threw Clarke down on her bed, crawling over her with a reignited flame in her heart. When she tried to put weight down on both arms though, she’d somehow forgotten that her left arm was incapacitated and collapsed on top of the blonde. They both laughed and Clarke’s arms wrapped themselves around the brunettes back. Lexa’s breath tickled her neck, and while she would’ve been happy to lay there like this for the rest of the night, Clarke developed a bit of bravery and pushed Lexa off and onto her back so she could straddle her.

“Maybe you just stay beneath me for now. Does that sound fair?”

Lexa died and went to heaven. She looked up at Clarke, cupping her face to bring her in for a softer kiss than the one prior. It had been far too long since she’d had the blonde in her arms, on top of her, kissing her. She felt like a piece of her heart had returned to her, and it was beating so hard now that she was sure Clarke could feel it in her own chest that was pressed to hers. They were both breathless and red faced when Clarke finally pulled away. Lexa lifted her chin and pressed her lips to the blondes forehead and let out a happy sigh.

“Lexa?”

The brunette pushed soft blonde locks back out of her ex’s face and smiled softly at her.

“Yeah?”

“We left the strap downstairs.”

It took a second for her to process the woman’s comment, but it made her chuckle when she finally did. She turned her head and flopped her casted arm down on the bed to point at a nightstand next to it.

“There’s one in the bottom drawer.”

Clarke’s head shifted for her to look over and she lifted an eyebrow.

“You have two? Isn’t that a little overzealous?”

“What kind of self respecting lesbian only has one strap? Of course I have two.”

~•~•~

On any given day, staying up past midnight was a no for Lexa. Her routine schedule of go to bed at ten and wake up at six was somewhat of a ritual in her life. It gave her enough time to eat dinner and read before falling asleep and passing out from the pleasant exhaustion she felt at the end of every day. It also wasn’t too early to where she woke up groggy and sheepish. She hated starting her days slowly. Lexa wanted to be at 100% from the gate, taking on every task with full efficiency. So now, after just over four hours of sleep and an even earlier start to her day than normal, she was groaning and grumbling around the kitchen like a zombie. Her coffee pot beeped at her and she filled up two cups, one with just a splash of half and half, and the other with a healthy amount of Irish cream.

She trudged up the stairs with a lazy smile on her face. Yes, Lexa had broken her streak of getting enough sleep every night, but for the only reason she could ever think to be worth it. Clarke. The blonde was still snoozing away peacefully in her bed, and Lexa had half a mind to let her. She had plans for them though, and those plans unfortunately involved waking up far earlier than either of them wanted to. She set their mugs down on the nightstand and rested her hand on the woman’s bare shoulder, whispering for her to wake up.

Clarke shifted, groaning softly before she did a whole body stretch. She took a deep breath in through her nose and turned over, blinking the sleep out of her eyes. Lexa watched it all with adoration in her eyes. The blonde squinted and glanced over at the alarm clock next to the bed, frowning when she read 6:03 am.

“Do I need to go so that you can get to work?”

Lexa frowned then too, tilting her head.

“Why would you need to leave? I would’ve just let you sleep in if I had to go. No, I just wanted to get you up so we could do something. I know it’s early still, but I made you coffee.”

Clarke sat up and rolled her shoulders, blinking some more and finally coming back to reality when she turned her head to the side and saw two mugs. One had a painting of a horse running on it, and the other had a stethoscope and a heart with “#1 Doctor” printed beneath. Lexa may or may not have gone on a shopping spree during the four hours she had yesterday.

“You’re so fucking cheesy.”

Lexa smirked and grabbed her mug, taking a sip of the hot liquid and feeling the effects of it almost instantly.

“I’m heading out to the barn, you can rummage through my closet for whatever you need, I picked up a pair of chaps for you too that are laying on a chest in there. Try to be down there in 20? You can see the barn from the front porch, it’s a pretty easy walk.”

Lexa leaned in and kissed her on the cheek, then took off before Clarke had a second to question her.

Twenty minutes on the dot, Clarke walked into the spacious eight stall barn. It was still dark outside, but the lights in the barn were on and two horses peaked their heads out at her arrival. She turned to run her hand over one of their noses, laughing a bit when it lipped at her skin. Lexa was nowhere in site, and Clarke felt a bit out of place. Admittedly though, she did look the part. She’d opted to use the same jeans she’d worn yesterday as she wouldn’t have fit into Lexa’s. Clarke needed just a little bit of extra room for her curvier stature. The doctor hadn’t passed up the opportunity though to take one of Lexa’s shirts, which was an orange flannel that was combating the brisk, late September, morning air. She knew she’d be rolling the sleeves up later though, as was usually the case in Colorado during fall. She’d also snagged a pair of boots that were just a touch too big on her, but fit well enough that she decided to just go with them instead of risking the chance of getting horse poop on her work shoes. Lexa hadn’t been joking about the chaps either. They were a bit stiff from never being worn before, but they fit her surprisingly well.

“Good morning! Are you Clarke?”

The blonde jumped and turned around, spotting a younger looking man with blonde hair and freckles. He was a little taller than Lexa and just about as skinny, but Clarke could see how muscular his arms were underneath his t shirt. She took an easy guess that this was one of the ranch hands.

“Good morning. That would be me, yes.”

With a small, tired smile on her face, she stuck out her hand. He grabbed hers and shook it once, then dropped his hand down by his side and backed up a step.

“I’m Aden, Lexa told me you’d be up here, I just wanted to introduce myself before I took off.”

She hummed and folded her arms loosely in front of her just to do something with her hands.

“It’s nice to meet you, Aden. Did Lexa say what she had planned? She told me to meet her down here but I haven’t seen her.”

“I’m here, just took a bit longer than I expected to get the horses tacked. Who would’ve thought that having a cast on my arm would slow me down. Are you ready darling?”

It was like talking about her summoned her there. Lexa was standing next to her now, and Clarke’s knees just about buckled when she saw her. Her hair was in the same braid it had been in last night, redone thanks to how badly Clarke had muffed it up during a particularly exciting time last night. She had on a navy blue t shirt that hugged for form, a pair of stained, tan riding chaps gripping her thighs and a plain black Stetson sat atop her head. Back in the early days of their relationship, Lexa had always gone for the flashy cowboy look. Her black chaps were always clean, her hats always had fancy bands or ribbons around them, her boots were always polished, and who could forget the belt buckle? That was when she was more of a rodeo star than a rancher though.

Clarke wouldn’t lie and say that the look wasn’t sexy. Clearly it was, because she’d fallen flat on her ass for the woman before she’d even said a word to her. The way she looked now though, rugged and seasoned in her job, made the blondes cheeks turn pink. Lexa wrapped her good arm around Clarke’s waist and nodded at Aden.

“Thanks for your help this morning. Are you going out to the north pasture?”

“Yeah, Tristan, Nyko, and I are going to try to move the herd today.”

“Just the three of you?”

He shrugged.

“We’ve done it before, plus we didn’t want to bother you. We haven’t seen you smile in years. Better not to interrupt whatever is making you hap-“

A glove smacked him in the face and he laughed, taking that as his queue to leave. He yelled out to her as he rounded the corner to his horse.

“I’ll call you if anything happens!”

With just the two of them alone in the barn now, Lexa turned her full attention to Clarke. Her arm was still around her waist, and she was radiating body heat, even in just a t shirt.

“Are you ready?”

Clarke smiled and nodded, turning to face her so she could kiss her softly. When she backed up, Lexa had a dopey grin on her face.

“What are we doing?”

“You’ll find out.”

The rancher grabbed her hand and pulled her along, their heels thunking against the wooden floor. It turned to a satisfying crunch noise once they’d gotten to the gravel path leading down to two horses that were tied to a fence. They made their way down the path hand in hand, Lexa only pulling hers away once they got to the horses. She pulled a hat from off of one of the saddles and turned to Clarke. The hat in question was a dark, olive green color with a hawk feather sticking out of the ribbon. Small metal feathers lined the ribbon as well, and Clarke smiled to herself. Lexa had bought the thing for her after her first win in a national rodeo. It was custom made, and as Lexa slid it onto her head, those five years of hiding her feelings all melted away.

“Still fit?”

“Like a glove.”

Just like her undeniable feelings for her ex wife.

The pair had mounted up and headed out, walking at first before eventually going into a lazy trot. It took Clarke a few minutes to get her thighs to work in rhythm with the horse she was on, but once she had, the muscle memory of riding came back to her in a whirlwind. She passed Lexa in a full gallop, laughing when the brunette yelled after her that she didn’t even know where she was going. Of course Lexa was right too, she had no idea, so with Lexa in front again, they arrived at their destination just in time for the sun to be peaking over the horizon.

While everyone seemed to gawk over the sunsets in Colorado, Clarke rarely heard about the sunrises. The sky was bursting in colors, a mix of orange, pink and purple waves. The hue cascaded down onto the mountains and them, washing them in a wild and vibrant blanket.

“I don’t even remember the last time I’ve actually watched a sunrise. Usually I’m at work, or driving west towards the hospital. I get to see it, sure, but I never really get to appreciate it.”

Clarke looked over at Lexa, who was already watching her. In the golden hour of morning, she was glowing. Her chestnut hair was tinged with the color of the sunrise, bringing out her coppery undertones and her eyes looked like the fall leaves that were changing all around them. The doctor realized then, that they would never go back to the way things were before, because there was only going forward, and she was pretty sure that Lexa had never looked at her the way she was right now. She would give her soul to whatever gods were basking in the warm glow with them, if only to be held by Lexa for even just one more night.

When Clarke finally managed to move her gaze back out over the open fields, she heard a soft laugh come from the woman next to her.

“What?”

“I’m just thinking of how I said I wouldn’t have shown up at your door and asked you to ride off in the sunset with me, but here I am with you at sunrise instead. It’s a little ironic isn’t it?”

Clarke’s smile only grew, and she laughed too. Pulling on the geldings reigns a bit to shuffle closer to Lexa, until their legs were pressed together and Clarke was able to bump her shoulder into Lexa’s.

“I would’ve anyways. Sunrise or sunset.”

She felt a hand snake up into her hair, and her head being drawn in for a kiss. It was gentle and sweet, only tethering her heart even tighter to the brunettes. When she pulled away, Clarke’s eyes were still closed, but she heard every emotion in the woman’s face that she couldn’t see.

“Will you stay if I ask you to? I don’t think I deserve a second chance, but I damn sure won’t fuck it up this time if you give me one. I love you Clarke-“

That was more than enough for Clarke to be driving her lips forward to meet Lexa’s again. Tears of the happy variety pooled in her eyes, her own hand grasped at the baby hairs that had escaped the braid, and she nodded, happier than she could’ve ever imagined herself being again.

“Always and forever.”