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It was too much. All of it.
V stood in the middle of the club as body after body bumped into him, his skin crawled with the feeling. He could still feel the dried blood under his fingernails from his last gig, the weight of death heavy around him. He felt like he was drowning.
Evelyn, Jackie, Scorpion, his hands turned a darker shade of red with every day that passed, every gig he took on. Everything he touched seemed to die. He couldn't stop, wasn't allowed to, not when every second of his life meant he was closer to death. Was it worth it? All the death? V’s head spun and his breathing picked up as he shoved his way past person after person, they didn't care, too wrapped up in the music or whatever drugs they had likely taken.
His hands shook as he finally stepped outside, bringing them up to his throat as if clutching at his neck would stop him from hyperventilating. He stumbled to the nearest alleyway, sliding down against the wall and pulling his knees up to his chest. V kept his eyes trained on the garbage by his feet, gripping his arms so hard his nails left small red crescents in the skin.
The noises around him seemed amplified, everything was too loud, too much. He felt like he could taste the air around him as he struggled to get a full breath in his lungs.
“The fuck’s wrong with you?”
V looked up from the ground, Johnny stood across from him, arms crossed. Now was not the time; V wanted to be alone, but he would never get that again.
“Go away.” V hissed, his voice too shaky to be threatening, he hoped Johnny would get the hint anyway.
He didn't.
“Why? Embarrassed that you’re blubbering like a baby?” Johnny shot back.
“Please just leave me alone Johnny I don’t—” V cut himself off with a shuddering intake of breath, as the dam finally broke and tears started to fall down his cheeks. He put his head between his knees, gasping for air as he clutched impossibly tighter onto himself. Maybe if he curled in on himself enough the world would disappear; maybe this was all a bad dream and he would be okay in the end.
Someone was trying to say something, V couldn't hear them over the pounding in his ears. He wanted everything to go away, wanted to lay down and let Night City consume him until he didn’t feel anything anymore.
“V!”
His head snapped up, wide tear-filled eyes looking up at Johnny. It seemed as though the rockerboy had been trying to get his attention for a while, instead of standing across from him. Now he was crouched in front of V, a concerned look painted on his face.
It was strange, seeing Johnny look so worried. Usually, he was all snark and sass. V sniffed, still trying to regulate his breathing so he could at least get back to his apartment. It would be better to have his freak out there, instead of the dirty alleyway he was currently in. He needed to calm down enough to stand first.
“V hey, you gotta calm down before you pass out here. I can't exactly carry you home.” Johnny grumbled, though his voice was void of any actual bite.
“Yeah I—” V cut himself off, taking a large breath before continuing, “I know, I will just- just have to wait a bit.”
Johnny hummed softly, still crouched in front of V he reached out. It was weird, feeling the sensation of the emgram’s hand touch his face. The sensation was there, but it was void of warmth. V leaned into it anyways, eyes flitting over Johnny’s face as the older man tried to wipe away the few tears that had fallen. Then their eyes locked and Johnny flinched back, hand retreating back as if he hadn't realized what he was doing.
V tried not to let it show that he was bothered by it, he knew Johnny had walls up, it was foolish of him to assume that they were all torn down in the last few weeks.
After some time V managed to get his breathing under control, the shaking stopped too. Johnny sat by him the whole time, only dematerializing once V had picked himself up off the ground and made his way back to his apartment. V went on autopilot the entire walk back, only paying enough attention so he wouldn't get hit by a car.
The crawling feeling on his skin wouldn't go away, and it seemed to amplify once he stepped through the doorway into his apartment. He needed it gone, wanted the hands off of him; needed to scrub at the blood that wasn't there until he couldn't smell it anymore. He tore his clothes off before turning the shower on as hot as he could stand and stepping underneath the spray.
V scrubbed at his skin relentlessly, turning it an angry shade of red. The water burned, he didn't care, he had to get it off. He watched as the harsh cloth brushed the same spots over and over, the pain of his irritated skin overtaking the feeling of the hands of death that consumed him.
“ V enough !”
V looked up from his arms, Johnny had appeared again. The engram grabbed both of V’s wrists, stopping him entirely.
“Snap out of it, you’re just hurting yourself.” Johnny insisted, his face scrunched up in concern.
V frowned, dropping the cloth, “I’m sorry.” He whispered.
Johnny let go of his wrists, “Cmon, out of the shower. You need to sleep, haven't slept in days V.”
V does as he’s told, shutting the shower off and drying off quickly. He tugs some soft sweatpants on and a worn hoodie before crawling into bed. He tosses and turns in a futile attempt to get comfortable, curling in on himself and staring at the wall. He can't rest, his mind is too much; too many voices for him to relax enough to sleep, despite his exhaustion. He sighed heavily, expecting to hear a snarky comment; he didn't. Johnny had vanished while he was getting dressed, and hasnt showed up since.
Despite V’s earlier words, he didn’t want to be alone, but he wasn't going to voice that. Thinking of himself as pathetic was one thing, but actually saying it out loud was another.
“You know that I can feel what you feel right?”
V turned back over towards the voice, Johnny was sitting on the side of his bed, his arms crossed and his usual aviators gone. He looked softer somehow, staring at V with a downcast look. V frowned, sitting up and lifting his hand to softly smooth out the wrinkles between the rockerboys brows; he didn't like it when Johnny was upset. Johnny opened his mouth as if he was going to say something but he clicked it shut just as fast. V removed his hand, not completely sure why he reached out in the first place.
“Sorry.” V murmured, folding his hands in his lap.
There was a long pause before Johnny spoke up again, “You know you can talk to me right?”
V didn't answer, just chewed on the inside of his lip and shifted a little on the bed. He knew he could, he wasn't stupid, but he didn't want to be a bother. Opening up to people frightened V, trust was a flaw, and it always bit him in the ass. He didn't see a point either, not when he barely had a month left to live.
V didn't want to think about his death, about the choice he had to make. He was terrified. His eyes began to well with tears again and he turned away, silently begging for the tears to stop. Once they started they overflowed, running down his cheeks and dripping onto the fabric of his sweatshirt.
“Look V, I know I'm bad with words and I'm not the greatest at this but will you at least let me help? Even if it's just for the night?” Johnny said quietly.
V sniffled, turning around and looking at the older man. He hesitated a moment before nodding, his voice refusing to work when he was this choked up. Johnny let out a breath of what sounded like relief before slowly scooting closer to V and pulling the smaller man into his arms. V went willingly, slumping into Johnny's chest and tucking his face in the man's neck while he silently sobbed.
They sat in silence while V let out all the stress of the last few weeks. Johnny said nothing, just rubbed up and down V’s back as the smaller man slowly stopped shaking. It was the most comfort V had received in a long time, he realized. V didn't know how long he sat there curled in Johnny Silverhands arms, but eventually he felt like the crying had lessened enough where he could speak.
“I'm sorry.” V choked out.
Johnny shook his head, “No, don't apologize. Not for this.”
“ I'm scared .” V whispered into the cold skin of Johnny’s neck, a confession that felt too much like a sin to utter. He was a merc, he wasn't allowed to be scared.
“I know, I'm so sorry V. Nobody should ever be burdened with something like this.” Johnny murmured. “Especially not you.”
“Every time I involve myself in something it all goes wrong, I feel like a curse. There's so much blood on my hands that for every person I save dozens more die in place of that one life. I don't want to get close to anyone because I'm terrified I'll hurt them.”
“V…”
“I don't want to go back out there.” V confessed, echoing words he had said once before. His voice barely a whisper.
“We’ll figure something out V, I promise.” Johnny replied softly after a long moment of silence. “For now, you need to sleep.”
As if on cue V’s mouth opened in a yawn, and he felt it when Johnny chuckled.
“See? Just proving my point, gonk.” He said fondly.
V hid his smile against Johnny’s skin, not wanting the moment to end. This had been the most peaceful he felt in a long time, even before the failed Arasaka heist. The world around V and Johnny seemed to fade and it was just the two of them, accompanied by the occasional hum of electricity. V pulled his head back, staring up at Johnny, who looked down at him in turn.
“Stay?” V asked softly.
Johnny huffed out a small breath, a quiet smile forming on his lips, “Yeah, I'll stay.”
“Thank you.” V replied, yawning once more and removing himself from Johnny’s arms so he could lay back down. He stared up at the older man, a silent question in his eyes before Johnny hummed quietly and settled down next to him. V smiled, hesitating a moment before the engram rolled his eyes and opened his arms in a clear invitation.
V took it, curling himself up against Johnny’s chest and tucking his face in the crook of the man's neck again. The tears had long stopped and the exhaustion finally hit him full force, his breaths evening out. He felt soft lips against his temple and smiled softly to himself as Johnny spoke one final time before he succumbed to his exhaustion.
“Sleep well Vincent.”