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silence. that's everything seungmin wants - needs - right now. and ironically that's the only thing he can't seem to have.
it all started because seungmin had wanted to bake brownies for the members. he didn't have a specific reason, he just was in a good mood. felix wasn't at home but that was okay, seungmin had the recipe written down and had seen felix making brownies plenty of times. also, felix said that he wouldn't be too late so he could still help seungmin if he needed help.
everything was going well: seungmin had melted the butter with the dark chocolate and then mixed all the rest of the ingredients that he had already prepared. just when he was about to put the baking tray in the oven, seungmin couldn't get it to work. he tried a few times but nothing. seungmin sighed, frustrated. he felt part of his energy leave him.
soon, he was texting felix explaining the situation and asking when he would come back. felix answered as soon the messages were sent.
im on my way ;3
seungmin smiled as he read the text, relief painting his face.
that small happiness didn't last long.
suddenly loud voices erupted from the narrow hallway and traveled to the kitchen: the voices belonged to changbin and hyunjin. it sounded like changbin was chasing hyunjin with the intention of kissing his cheeks, whining aloud at the younger who - of course - was running away from him. that led the two of them in the living room which shared the same room as the kitchen.
that's when seungmin noticed jisung and jeongin playing videogames on the television, both sitting down on the couch next to each other. have they always been there? and has the game ever been this loud?
seungmin's head hurt. not only that, but he felt incredibly restless all of sudden, like he couldn't stop chewing on his lip; fingers drawing countless circles on the table; leg bouncing from where he was sitting. he closed his eyes and started to grumble, trying to calm down and regain his breath. all of those things did little to nothing in helping seungmin to feel less distressed.
as if that were not enough, the door opened and - in a blink of an eye - felix was back with minho behind him. both completely ignored him, too preoccupied to join the chaos.
minho had started screaming, instead felix sat down on the floor begging jisung and jeongin to let him play with them.
had felix forgotten that seungmin needed his help? he didn't even look at me…
all the loudness in the room made seungmin feel sick, eyes filling with unshed tears and mind screaming at him to lash everything out. instead, seungmin got up and walked towards the balcony.
that's where he is now. far from the noises, far from the people. he could breathe again. seungmin's hands are gripping the railing while his mouth is letting silent screams out.
he doesn't understand why sometimes he feels like this — irritated and.. helpless. why is he reacting like this when he could've just asked the members to quiet down instead of leaving the room? because i didn't want to shout my anger at them. i didn't want them to see me cry.
seungmin can't stop spiraling. he tries to calm down, breathing deeply, but he can only think of those loud voices and how pathetic he is for not being able to get an oven to work properly.
the oven… felix! how could he have forgotten? why didn't he help? he ignored me! of course he did… i’m not important, i’m stupid and - and - unlovable!
it was getting hard trying not to cry.
buried in his own thoughts, the boy doesn't notice another person staring at him, worried.
“seungmin… are you okay?”
the boy in question sniffles a little before looking at chan. “hyung,” seungmin's voice is heavy, “i want to be alone, please.”
chan gulps, the idea of leaving seungmin alone when he is this vulnerable feels wrong. “can i stay here, seungminnie? i promise i won't talk.”
seungmin breathes through his nose, “okay.”
like chan promised, he doesn't talk. seungmin appreciates it. he had listened to enough voices already and he doesn't think he can handle more. the younger boy can feel chan near him - not next to or far from him, just the perfect distance - and it brings a tiny bit of comfort.
he calms down but that also means that seungmin can analyze everything that happened in those few minutes and it is a lot to take in. why didn't he just ask felix to help him? why did the loudness make seungmin feel so stressed when he was used to that? why today out of all days? why?
the sobs eruptes out of seungmin's chest without him even noticing. he cries and cries and cries some more.
stupid. pathetic. idiot. a mess.
all of sudden, seungmin feels a hand touching his arm. he immediately shrinks himself. “i don't want to be touched,” seungmin says with a small voice.
the grip of the hand on his arm softens but still doesn't leave it. “seungmin, please–”
“hyung!” seungmin raises his voice, impatiently. he feels trapped in his own mind and body; he can't move. touching doesn't feel right now, it makes him itchy. finally the hand is not anymore on his arm. seungmin can hear a sharp intake of breath from his side.
“seungmin please…” chan begs, desperately, “how can i help?”
seungmin feels sorry for chan. he shouldn't have nearly yelled at him. he just wants to help seungmin but how can he do that if seungmin himself doesn't know what to do? what he needs?
“just… give me time, i got this.” does he?
“...okay”
time goes by. seungmin doesn't know for how long he keeps humming and playing with his hands while watching the sky. he calms down eventually; he isn't ugly crying anymore, just sniffling here and there. chan doesn't leave him. he is there the whole time. no speaking, no touching. and yet, knowing he is there for him, for seungmin, it makes warmth spreading in his chest. he feels cared for.
“channie hyung…”
chan is immediately aware of him. “yes, darling?”
“can you…” seungmin gulps, feeling a little embarrassed, “can you hug me?”
as soon as the words leave his mouth, seungmin is engulfed in chan’s strong arms: seungmin's head is gently placed on chan’s chest, right where his heart is; one of chan’s hand is caressing his hair. the hug isn't suffocating, if anything it helps clearing seungmin's mind from the overthinking.
“i’m sorry,” seungmin mumbles.
chan kisses his head. “don't be, minnie.”
“but i really am, hyung. i’m sorry.”
“it's okay, pup. it happens.”
“i don't like when it happens. i don't feel like my self, i don't feel in control.”
chan starts to swing them on the spot. “i know, min. i know.” seungmin sighs. “you have us, okay? we won't judge you. we’ll always be there for you when you need us.”
seungmin closes his eyes. he feels safe in his hyung’s arms. he feels loved. seungmin cries, again, but it doesn't last long. chan shushes him, chanting “you're okay“s. maybe he's right. seungmin knows it will happen again sooner or later, he can't prevent it, but for now, in his hyung’s arms, he is okay.