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Buck had always loved lists.
Lists were order. They were neat. You need a thing? You put it on the list. You did the thing? You crossed it off. Lists told him what he needed to do and how to do it, then reminded him he’d done it. Lists cut through the flashing lights that sparkled around his brain, bringing things into the clear, laser beam of focus at the centre of his mind.
The only problem was they only worked if you had everything on the list in the first place.
A hand slapped down on his shoulder, bringing him back to the firehouse dining table. “Calm down Buck,” Cap said, placing a cup of camomile tea on the table in front of him. “You are about five seconds away from covering my dining room in ink when you bite through that pen.”
Buck looked down at the mess of plastic that had once been a biro. He hadn’t even realised he’d been chewing on it. He threw it down onto the clipboard in defeat.
“Not long now, huh?” Bobby asked.
“Three weeks, two days and…” he looked over at the clock, “14 hours. At least that’s when the due date comes up.”
“That is disturbingly precise,” said Chim, taking the seat opposite.
“That’s the weird thing with IVF babies,” Buck said, wrapping his hands around the tea. He hadn’t noticed how cold they’d had gotten, the storm raging outside sapping the usual LA heat out of the air. “You know the exact moment they were conceived. Or implanted, I suppose.”
He’d thought those few days eight months ago – when they were waiting for the call from their surrogate, Stephanie, to say she’d seen those all important blue lines on the pregnancy test – were the most stressful of his life. But every day the wait just got more and more joyfully torturous. Buck had never been good at waiting.
“God, I remember those last few weeks,” said Hen. “Running around frantic, trying to get the nursery set up in time.”
“Arguing with the crib that won’t go together,” Chim added.
“Buying more diapers than you thought could possibly exist, but which you’ll go through in two days?” Eddie chipped in.
“You see, that’s the thing,” Buck said, pointing at the clipboard in front of him. There were three dozen tasks, neatly laid out one after the other, each with a bold red line struck through it. “The nursery, the crib, the diapers. We’ve done all that. We have done everything on the checklist. The only thing we haven’t done is pick out a name but that’s only because it seems rude to decide something like that when we haven’t even met them yet.”
They’d thrown around a few ideas. Buck’s one stipulation was that it needed to be something with a chance of appearing on a souvenir stand, while Tommy just wanted something his dyslexic ass wouldn’t misspell on every form. But it quickly became apparent neither of them felt comfortable in deciding on a name for their child when they didn’t even know what sex they were.
“It’s all ready,” Buck said. “But it… it can’t be. It can’t be done. We can’t be ready.”
Bobby’s thumped a fatherly hand on Buck’s shoulder. “Buck. No one is ever ready for a kid. You can have the crib, every diaper and stuffed toy known to man or beast, but there is nothing you can write on that clipboard that will fully prepare you for when that bundle of screaming joy finally arrives.”
Buck let out a cry of anguish. He knew Bobby was right, but it didn’t provide any comfort. His list – his precious, sacred list – had failed him. What was he meant to do now?
The alarm sounded, saving Buck from his spiral. The rain was coming down sideways outside, but he’d take an hour out in that over having to stew for another minute.
*****
Eddie waded across the road, checking the cars that had swerved to avoid the main accident, only to spin out. They’d gotten lucky with this one. Even the driver of the overturned truck that had caused the accident had managed to walk away relatively unscathed, and it looked like the other drivers had, for once, been driving an appropriate distance apart for the weather. He checked car after car, only to find them empty, their passengers having fled to safety in the diner across the road from the accident.
He was about to head back to the others when he heard it – a shout, barely audible over the sound of the rain. Eddie turned to see another vehicle, its black paint making it disappear into the dark. As he approached he could see the door was caved in from where it had been side swiped. It had probably just been a glancing blow, but the door was bent enough to jam it.
There was a woman wincing in the front seat. The driver’s side window was gone, no doubt smashed during the impact. It looked like the safety glass had done its job though, as the woman only seemed to have a few cuts despite the pebbles of glass still strewn around her.
“Oh thank god,” she said, before taking the deep, controlled breath of someone trying to stave off a panic attack. “I thought I was going to have to climb out through the window.
“Don’t worry, we got you now.” He tried the door but, as expected, it was stuck fast. “Hang tight, we're going to get you out of there.”
He reached for his radio to call for help when he noticed the wet fabric of her dress was plastered against a baby bump.
“I should probably let you know I’m 37-weeks pregnant,” the woman said. “Nothing hit my bump and I can still feel the baby moving, thank gooooaaahh!” She screwed up her face, gripping onto the wheel as she breathed through the pain with practised, panting breaths.
“Was that a contraction?” Eddie asked, already knowing the answer.
“They’re still a few minutes apart,” she said, grinding it out through the last of the aftershock. “But I’d really, really appreciate it if you got me out of here right now. ”
Eddie clicked on his radio. “I have a pregnant woman in labour in the black sedan down the other side of the turn off. Contractions are a few minutes apart, but I need saws and jaws to get her out.”
As his team responded over the radio, he got to work checking the woman over as best he could. She might not feel it, but the woman had been lucky – no major injuries as far as he could tell. He just had to hope that the force of the impact hadn’t done any internal damage to either her or the baby.
“You are taking this remarkably calmly,” he said.
“I assure you I’m not,” she said, taking another deep and measured breath. “But fear is the mind killer and panicing doesn’t help.”
“I take it this isn’t your first rodeo,” he said, nodding to the car seats in the back.
She shook her head. “Fifth.”
“Fifth?” he exclaimed. “How quick those last few come?”
She gave him a side eye. “Pretty quick.”
Right on queue, another contraction came. How long had that been? Three minutes? Four? He glanced back up the road. They’d closed off the traffic to keep the accident site clear, meaning there were cars backed up on every road leading to the junction. God knows how long it would take the ambulance to reach them.
Eddie grabbed his radio again. “Hey Dispatch. Any chance of an air evac for my pregnant woman? Timeline just got a whole lot shorter.”
Maddie’s familiar voice came on the other side of the call. “Well if you’re looking for a ride in this weather I guess I better send you the best.”
Eddie chuckled down the line at her. Anytime she could, Maddie made sure that Tommy was the one in the air when the 118 called – something he was fairly certain was in violation of several best practice guides. Anyone would think she was trying to set up her little brother with the hot helicopter pilot, like they weren’t already married.
“So five kids huh,” Eddie said, trying to make small talk to keep the woman calm, but having to shout over the driving rain. “I have a hard enough time with just the one.”
“Oh, I only have two. The last two weren’t mine,” the woman said.
It took a moment for Eddie to parse that. “Come again?”
“I’m a surrogate,” she said.
A cold drop of dread dropped at the base of Eddie’s skull. “You’re a surrogate.”
“Yeah,” she said, eyeing him suspiciously. “Is that a prob-” Her eyes went wide in realisation, before she grabbed Eddie’s helmet, reading the number written there. She groaned. “Oh shit.”
“Did someone call for jaws and sa… Steph?” The colour blanched out of Buck’s face almost instantly. He started to go limp, the jaws slipping sideways from where they were balanced on his shoulder, but Eddie surged forward to catch it in time.
“I’m fine!” Steph shouted, trying and failing to hide the pain in her voice. “Baby’s fine. We’re both fine.”
“La… labour. You said she was in labour,” Buck mumbled, unable to take his eyes off of Stephanie’s belly, even as Eddie pushed him to one side.
“I know this is a lot to take in right now,” Eddie yelled. “But I need you to freak out after we’ve got her out the car.”
*****
The haze of panic suffused through every fibre of Buck’s body. And yet, somehow, his professional instincts kicked in. Years of experience took over his limbs, and without telling his body to move he found himself pulling back on the door, ready to wrench it free the instant Eddie managed to prise it open with the jaws-of-life. With a screech of metal, the door finally gave way.
Instantly, Buck was at Stephanie’s side, assessing her for any signs of serious trauma. Even when he found no sign of damage, he still struggled to breathe easy. Had her waters broken? He couldn’t tell – her dress was soaked through from the rain. She wasn’t dressed for the weather. How long had she been out here, getting colder and colder with each passing minute? Were pregnant women more at risk from hypothermia? Would it hurt the baby?
“We need to get you to the ambulance,” Buck said. “Do you think you can walk?”
Stephanie nodded. “Yeah, I think s–” she grabbed his hand, squeezing so hard it made his knuckles crack. He stared down at their clasped fingers.
This was happening. It was really happening. And it was happening now.
“We… uh. We need to get you out of here. The ambulance… umm, and we’ll get you to the hospital and… oh god I need to call Tommy.”
Eddie pointed up at the sky, as the familiar headlights of a helicopter cut through the rain overhead. “Don’t worry. He just got here.”
Something burst in Buck’s heart at the sight, but he swallowed down the tears. Not now. Not yet. Not until everyone was safe. They’d cleared a landing site as soon as they’d got here, just in case, so now all they needed to do was get Stephanie the 100 yards down the road. Just a short walk and then Tommy would be waiting and it would all be okay. It had to be okay.
Buck looped Stephanie’s arm around his neck, helping her extract herself from the car. She was unsteady on her feet, the rain was running in rivers over the tarmac. He kept her supported as they staggered onwards, until Stephanie ground to a halt, wincing once more.
“Is that… is that another contraction?”
Her gritted teeth answered his question. This was all too fast. Much too fast. When Stephanie’s knees buckled, he grabbed her up behind the knees,lifting her up in a bridal carry. Adrenaline coursed through him as he ran as fast as he dared towards the chopper, where Hen was waiting for them.
“Hen, it’s–”
“I know, I know,” Hen said, helping to gently lay the woman down in the cabin of the chopper. “Eddie radioed ahead. Nice to meet you Stephanie. We’re going to take good care of you.”
Buck set Stephanie down on the awaiting gurney, as Hen got to work checking her vital signs. She moved with such swift efficiency that it was all Buck could do to stand back and watch her work.
“Evan?”
Buck turned to see Tommy craning round in the pilot’s seat. His eyes were as wide as Buck knew his own were. He couldn’t say anything, but they didn’t need to. They both knew they had a job to do, and it had never been more important to either of them that they do that job right. As Tommy lifted them all into the air, Buck hurriedly stripped off his sodden jacket, gloves and helmet, before donning a headset and flicking it to the open channel.
“Hey Stephanie. Good to see you. Still on for that barbeque this weekend?” As he hoped, the frantic attempt at keeping calm brought a smile to Stephanie’s face as she heard him through her own headset. “I’m just going to examine you. That okay?”
“You’re the one who made me pregnant, Buck,” she said, gritting her teeth against the obvious pain. “I think we’re past the point of modesty.”
The joke eased some of the tension in Buck as he quickly disinfected his hands, then reached up to check how far she was dilated and…
He snapped his hand back, as his mouth flooded with a metallic taste. She was already crowning. Silently, he locked eyes with Stephanie. She’d done this enough times to know exactly what was happening.
“Babe?” came Tommy’s voice over the radio. “What’s going on back there? Is everything alright?”
“How long until we get to the hospital, honey?”
“At least another five minutes,” Tommy said.
Did they have that much time? This was happening fast. It was all too fast. They were supposed to have another three weeks, not another three minutes. He wasn’t ready. Oh god, Bobby was right, he wasn’t ready.
“Buckley!” Hen’s voice cut through his panic. “You’ve delivered babies in yoga studios, the aquarium and on your own couch. You got this.”
Yes. Yes he had. She was right. Hen was right. He looked up at Stephanie – she was a scared person in pain who needed his help. It was his job to help. This was what he did. He could do this. He would do this.
“Okay, Stephanie. I know this wasn’t exactly in our birth plan, but I think you and I both know that this baby is coming real soon.” He tried to ignore the strangled noise Tommy made over the intercom, staying focused on the task in front of him instead. “But you’re going to be okay. Hen is the best paramedic I know, and she’s going to be taking care of you. Meanwhile I’ll be down here, at the business end of things.”
Stephanie was trying to keep her face schooled, but he could see the fear creeping into her eyes.
“When you feel the need to push, I want you to-”
Stephanie screamed over the top of Buck, as her fingers scrunched into the padding of the gurney.
“You’re doing great,” Hen said, wrapping her hands around Stephanie’s shoulders to offer her support as she brought his child into the world. He felt a pang of anguish – it was meant to be him and Tommy doing that. No. No time to think like that.
“I can see the head,” he said. His voice caught on the words as his vision blurred, but he couldn’t afford to start bawling. Not yet. Concentrate!
“We’re a minute out from the hospital,” Tommy said over the radio. “They’ve got a team ready to meet us on the launch pad.”
On the gurney, Steph was starting to sob with exhaustion. How long had she been in the car, futilely trying to hold back the contractions?
“You’re doing so good Steph,” he comforted her. “You’ve done a great job, you just need to do a little more, okay.”
Squeezing her eyes shut, she gave one almighty push. Buck was already waiting as the baby’s head slid forward. It was so warm cradled in his hand. Such a tiny, vital thing. For a second, Buck was transfixed by the tiny features – the dark line of their eyelids, the bubble of their nose. But they weren’t done yet. What was he supposed to do now? He ran through the check list in his mind, clearing out the baby’s airways, checking if the umbilical cord was around the neck, reaching up to guide the shoulder out as Stephanie gave one final push.
The baby surged forward in a rush, sliding into his waiting hands. And then they were here.
She was here.
Her impossibly tiny body fit in both his hands, nestled there like she was always meant to be there.
“Hi there,” he said, no longer trying to stop the tears running down his cheeks.
Her tiny body shuddered as the cold air hit her. She let out an almighty wail – the most miraculous sound that Buck had ever heard. He scooped her up close to him, holding her against his chest to share his body heat.
“Shh, shh, it’s okay, you’re okay, your Daddy’s got you.”
“Evan? Evan, what’s going on?”
“She’s here Tommy,” Buck said, lowering his microphone to pick up her cries. “Our little girl is here.”
“It’s a girl?” Tommy’s voice sounded as choked as Buck’s own.
“Oh my god Tommy, she’s so tiny and perfect.”
“And you can meet her in 30 seconds, after you land the chopper.” Hen’s voice cut through Buck’s haze of love as she set about cutting the cord that still linked his daughter to Stephanie.
Stephanie…
The woman who had just delivered his baby into the world was fighting to sit up, craneing to look at them. They’d talked about this moment – about who would hold the baby first and the measures Stephanie needed to separate herself from the child she’d carried for months. Buck held the baby where she could see, before grabbing up one of the blankets to wrap the little girl up. The sight of the baby warm and safe seemed enough to calm Stephanie. She collapsed back down onto the bed just as the chopper bumped down on the launch pad.
The helicopter door slid open, and suddenly Hen was directing the emergency team, helping them to roll Stephanie out of the cabin, in towards the safety of the hospital. And then Buck found himself alone.
No. Not alone.
He looked down again at the girl in his arms. His little girl. A hand touched Buck’s back as Tommy pressed up against him.
“Say hello, Papa.”
“Hello there princess,” Tommy said, wrapping his hands around Buck’s, cradling her together.
Her eyes blinked open, revealing a pair of beautifully grey eyes staring up and out at the world around her. Those would change over the next few months, transforming to blue, brown, hazel or whatever other colour her eyes wanted to be. The thought of it sent a thrill through him. Him and Tommy would get to watch their daughter grow, changing not just over the next few months, but year after year after year.
“You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen,” Tommy choked out, before pressing a kiss to Buck’s temple, and squeezing his arms tight around their little family.
*****
Buck knew all about the benefits of skin to skin contact. It helped the infant regulate their temperature, breathing and heart rate. Introducing them to their parents’ natural fauna helped build a robust immune system. It was a great way for parents to begin building a bond with their child. Plus, there was some evidence that newborns, after months spent listening to the inner workings of their mother’s body, found comfort in the sound of their parents’ heartbeat.
What Buck hadn’t been expecting, though, was just how sexy he would find the sight of his shirtless husband resting a tiny baby against his chest. And given the number of times a vast array of nurses had come to check on them in the last hour, he wasn’t alone in thinking that. Not that Tommy noticed. He was too lost in the little one to pay heed to anything going on around them. Buck had been watching him for a good five minutes, listening to Tommy quietly singing ‘Amazing Grace’ to her, the soft low rumble of it through his chest lulling their daughter to sleep.
These were the first few moments of quiet reprieve they’d had after hours of tests, paperwork, feedings and changings. At some point Lucy had turned up, dispatched by Dispatch to return both Hen and the chopper they’d both forgotten up on the roof to Harbor.
They’d checked in with Stephanie as soon as she was cleared by the medical team. It had been a strange meeting. They could tell the woman was drawn to take the baby into her arms, but was forcing herself not to. She would, they’d agreed, but after the hormones and emotions of labour had passed.
Buck couldn’t help but thinking back to the moment he’d first held Connor and Kameron’s baby in his arms, knowing that while he was biologically the child’s father, he wasn’t his Dad and never would be. He didn’t regret being their sperm donor, but handing that baby over had been one of the hardest things he’d ever done. He couldn’t imagine what it must have been like to do that after carrying a child for months. How Stephanie had managed to do that not once, but three times he’d never know. All he did know was that he would be forever grateful to her that she had.
“What about Grace?” Tommy asked, shocking Buck out of his thoughts.
“Hmm?”
“As a name.”
Buck frowned, crossing the room to crouch down beside them both. He laid a hand on her back, running his thumb over her soft skin. “I don’t think she looks like a Grace. People born in the back of a helicopter during a raging storm aren’t called Grace.”
Tommy laughed, making their daughter squirm as his chest shook.
“She did have a rather exciting start to life, didn’t she?” Tommy said. “You are going to have one hell of a story to tell people, baby girl.”
Buck watched as her shoulders rose and fell in time with Tommy’s chest, the two of them breathing in synchronisation. “I feel like we should name her, like… Storm or Skye or something.”
“I don’t think we’re ever going to find that one on a souvenir stand,” Tommy said. “Besides, she’s not the storm. She’s the calm after one. That moment when the clouds clear and it’s nothing but moonlight and stars.”
And she was. As terrifying as the prospect of fatherhood was, and as much upheaval as he knew he had coming, Buck’s love for his daughter was already the anchor he knew would forever keep him steady. He’d only just met her, but she was already his light in the dark – the shining star that would always guide him home.
“Stella,” Buck whispered. The baby’s eyes blinked open at the sound. Though Buck knew her eyes couldn’t focus on him yet, he could have sworn she was looking directly at him in recognition. “Her name is Stella.”