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“Look we're men we fight! That's what we do !” for some reason Jedediah had that small comment he made on repeat in his mind, he hadnt fought for quite some time now, actually, being honest, Octavius was as close to a best friend he could get, but he hadnt talked about it, everyone in the Western diorama kinda switched to calling Jed a “cowpoke” instead of “cowboy”. He didnt know why but for some reason it was more comfortable to him, he made a half-assed excuse over being too old to be called a boy, the rest didnt pry, which he was grateful for, the rest just called him by his name, but he dreaded going over to Rome for the odd reason of how they’ll view him, he fell back on his cot with a groan.
He was so damn confused, why was he all of a sudden being so pissy over calling himself a man? It wasnt like he was one of those inver-, Transgender people, ugh, getting over cultural prejudices was harder than he thought. But he wasnt a woman, never even thought of being a woman, so he was a man…… UGH! Why doesnt that sound right?! Its what he was born as! And if he wasnt trans then that meant he is a man! Right?
He needs a distraction.
A knock on his tent foundation sent him back to reality “hello, Jedediah? Are you here?” the cowpoke sighed with a smile, its Octavius, he really does help with everything, Jedediah sat up “yep, im here partner, ya need something?” Octavius pulled back the front flap and smiled “Larry wanted us to drive around tonight, remember?” Jedediah shot up “oh geez, i totally forgot!” the general just chuckled, gesturing for him to follow along, which the cowpoke did. The two of them got down to the car and started driving before Larry could get on the intercom, Jedediah drove up to the nightgaurd who scoffed “there you two are! I wondered if i would have to get you myself” Jedediah stuck his tongue out like a child, Larry just rolled his eyes “yeah, yeah, hold your horses cowboy” Jedediah found himself involuntary cringing at the word “are you alright Jedediah? Ive seen that you’ve…not really liked people calling you that term” the cowpoke rubbed the back of his neck, “o-oh yeah, i just think that its like someone callin’ me a boy, even though im too old to be called one?” Jedediah doesnt know why, but his insides got all twisted inside like he was telling a lie. Octavius, however, just offered support “ah, i can get that, its more of a respect thing out of everything else?” Jedediah felt more and more certain he was telling a lie when he said yes.
But he was a boy, he was a man, male, genetics or whatever, right? He always questioned if he was “performing” masculinity right, especially after seeing the Romans, but every man questions that, right? He only questioned it after seeing Romans cause they always made fun of their clothing, i mean it was skirts and dresses, those are for the ladies! But despite that, they were intimidating and strong, even with their clothing, Jedediah always thought Octavius was more of a man than he ever was. No amount of chaps or button up shirts could give him the same masculinity that the Romans or the other Westerners had. He was a man, so why did it feel so damn uncomfortable saying he was one? I mean, he felt more comfortable stating his own sexuality in this life than saying he was a man, but isnt the whole point of being queer liking the same sex as you?
Octavius definitely noted that the cowpoke was quieter during this ride, very quiet, almost not a single word. The look on his face was one of questioning, Jedediah was questioning something and Octavius couldnt do much about it because he didnt know what it was that he was questioning. And it seemed like it was something you wouldnt openly talk about, after Rexy got tired out, Jedediah noticed minutes after, driving back to the stand, where Larry was nowhere to be found, typical, it was just a way to talk more. But Jedediah didnt seem like talking much, he did, however, feel the other staring at him, he looked over and blushed only slightly “what, you okay?” Octavius felt even more concerned “are you okay? You havent said a single word this entire ride” the cowpoke looked away “i mean, i guess? Yeah, yeah im fine, m’just…..confused”
Octavius leaned back “confused how?” Jedediah shrugged, then sighed “okay- you- you cant tell
anyone
‘bout this, alright?” Octavius put his fist to his chest, something Jedediah seen him do whenever he kept his word, it made him calm down “i promise it to you, Jedediah” the cowpoke sighed and looked ahead “i- i…” Jedediah trailed off, muttering something under his breath before trying to say it again, Octavius couldnt hear him
at all
“what was that?” Jedediah looked down “jedediah?”
“I dont think im a man!” he looked over, scared, at the other, who was quietly processing the statement “Jedediah, of course you’re a man! In both our cultures you’ve solidified your masculinity” the cowpoke had to cut him off “no, no, not in like a self-conscious kinda way like a…like a queer kinda way? I think?” Octavius realized “you’re trans?”
“No, i-i dont think? Its just, i know i aint a lady, that isnt right…for me im sayin’ but…but i aint a fella either, at least i havent thought so in a long while, i always said that yall should call me a cowpoke cause im older than a boy but that….that aint it, it’s cause i…i dont know what i am…” the general hummed “Nicky was talking to me about this same thing actually, how some people dont go by anything or go by both male and female, it isnt something foreign to us Romans, Hermaphroditus, Mise, and Adonis were usually referred to as both male and female” Jedediah smiled at that, at least it aint totally weird, even if their folks held beliefs that still kinda oppressed those people, “Nicky said they have a friend who goes by the pronouns “they/them” instead of “he/him” or “she/her” but he also said many people use a mix of them, its quite astounding really, how much culture has evolved in the years”
The cowpoke’s eyes widened a ghost of a relieved smile on his lips “i-is there a name for that? Goin’ by “they”?” Octavius nodded “while theres many names, some im still confused by, Nicky said his friend is “Non-binary” it means they arent male or female or dont go by a singular gender” Jedediah smiled, he could almost cry, it wasnt just him going insane! There was a name! “Jedediah, are you alright, why are you crying?” Octavius asked, softly brushing away their tears, Jedediah looked over, they didnt hide it “i-i think i finally know what i am, ‘Tavi”