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Regina George loved Shane Oman.
She really, really did.
She loved his jokes, she loved his smile, his hugs, and the way he made her feel, like she was worth loving, like she deserved it.
She loved going to his football games, cheering the loudest and running to him when he won. She loved when he listened to her talk for hours, when he went shopping with her, even when she knew he didn’t want to spend an hour looking at shoes.
She felt loved, that’s for sure. For the first time in a relationship, she felt respected and cared for. He didn’t make her feel disgusting, didn’t make her feel like shit.
He was perfect, so so good to her.
So why was there a pit in her stomach and why did it keep getting bigger and bigger?
Regina had tried ignoring it, tried to come up with an explanation. She was just not used to healthy relationships, she was trying to sabotage it because she was self-destructive. She was just overwhelmed, just confused.
Because how could something so good not feel right.
How could someone so good not be right for her?
She wasn’t going to find anyone better, that was for sure, she hated all the boys at her school. Hated Shane’s friends, how loud they were, how disgusting they acted. No boy was ever going to treat her like Shane did.
No there was no one better, and she had to have a husband one day, might as well pick him early.
After the bus Shane had been there for her in a way that nobody else had. Gretchen and Karen were supportive, but they were emotional and filled Regina with guilt. Her mother was useless like usual, her only contribution posting photos of Regina’s recovery on her Instagram.
But Shane was there every step of the way. He held her hand when she was so drugged she couldn’t think. He supported her through physical therapy, made sure she did her exercises and asked the doctors questions Regina never would have thought of. He was there every single day. He let her cry, let her yell, let her talk for hours. He was an amazing listener.
He convinced her to go to therapy when even her parents couldn’t force her. He made her lunch and refused to eat if she wasn’t eating with him. He drove her everywhere when she couldn’t drive and sat with her for hours when she felt lonely.
And now, laid down next to Shane on her bed, staring at the ceiling, she felt comfortable. They were listening to music, Shane was doing his French homework and Regina her economics. It was nice.
They didn’t need to talk, the silence wasn’t awkward it was peaceful. Shane chewed on his pen and frowned. Regina felt herself thinking that stupid thought again, “Why don’t I find him cute?”
Shane was confusing.
Regina usually got bored of her boyfriends immediately. They were loud, they were demanding and clingy and she was not into that. In fact, she wasn’t really into any of her boyfriends.
Aaron was annoying, thought he was way better at soccer than he was, and he always put his grimy hands on her waist. She hadn’t really cared about getting him back, she just wanted to upset Cady. She hadn’t really cared about him at all.
Which was what made Shane so confusing because Regina really cared about him. She liked spending time with him, she didn’t find him annoying or clingy. She cared about his football games, cared about his feelings. But was she even attracted to him?
As much as it pained her to admit she didn’t think she was. It wasn’t like she was holding out for “butterflies” or shit like that, but she just didn’t feel that attraction she was supposed to. Shane was hot, that’s what everyone said. He was tall, even taller than her with curly blond hair and dimples. His eyes were green and when he smiled, he lit up a room. He was fit from football, had strong arms, and gave really good hugs. Was that attraction?
The whole “Butterflies in my stomach” thing just wasn’t true, it was a lie that girls told to make other girls feel jealous of their relationships.
Butterflies weren’t real. She didn’t feel anything like that with any boys.
“You got butterflies that time Janis held your waist when you couldn’t stand up straight at spring fling.” Her stupid, traitorous brain said. She banished the thought.
Regina took a deep breath and tried not to cry in front of Shane. God she was making such a big fucking deal about nothing.
Shane was all she had ever wanted, and she was just trying to self-sabotage. She hated herself, she wanted to get rid of the things that made her happy, destroying relationships like she always did. Like she did with Janis.
She was fucked up, that was it.
Later that night, when Shane had left and Regina was alone, she let herself do something she never did, she let herself think.
She thought about Shane, about Janis, about Aaron, about Cady and that girl in her homeroom who smiled at her sometimes with the cute dimples and braids.
She thought about middle school, summer sleepovers, doing Janis’s makeup and kissing her “to practice for boys”. Friendship bracelets, falling asleep curled up next to each other. She thought about Cady, her ginger hair and her huge smile and the way Regina had just needed to have her. She thought about Aaron, using him just see the look on Cady’s face.
She tried to justify everything in her head.
Sure, girls are hotter than guys but that’s just a fact
Janis made her nervous because she was Janis not because she was hot
She’s dated so many guys.
Some guys were attractive, like objectively
Middle school kisses don’t count
She outed Janis
She loved spending time with Shane
She loved Shane
She loved-
She-
Regina let out a shaky sob and pulled the blanket tighter around herself.
She couldn’t be-
She couldn’t
No, she loved Shane
She loved him
Then why did it feel so wrong?
Why did she flinch every time he kissed her?
Why did she feel sick at the thought of marrying him, of having kids?
Why?
Regina knew why,
She knew exactly why
But she wasn’t brave enough.
She cried herself to sleep.
The next day Regina invited Shane over, she sat down next to him on her bed, and he grabbed her hand, in confusion. She wrapped her favourite pink blanket around her and laid back on her pillows.
“What’s wrong Gina?” Shane asked, always the caring boyfriend.
“I have something to tell you.” She gulped, put her shaking hands under the blanket.
“What is it?” He asked, concerned.
“I- I love you.” She said, beginning the speech she’d practiced in the mirror that morning.
“I love you too?” He frowned.
“I love you but I’m not in love with you.” She took a deep breath in, Shane looked at her in confusion.
“Shane you’re the best boyfriend I’ve ever had, by far. You’re kind and you’re supportive and you make me feel so so loved. But I just can’t’- There’s something missing. And I wasn’t sure what it was, I tried to push the feelings away, but I couldn’t. And the more I thought about it the more It just all made sense. Like how I think you’re attractive, but I’m not attracted to you. Like how I love your hugs but making out with you makes me feel gross, not just you, all guys. I think I might be… gay.”
Shane sat in silence for an excruciating few seconds. “That- that makes sense. I’m proud of you Gina.”
“You’re not upset with me?” She asked, her voice coming out all shaky.
Shane reached out to hold her hand, squeezing it tightly. “I am upset, I love you, Gina. But I understand, it makes sense when you say it. You feel distant sometimes and don’t think I haven’t notice how much you tense up when I kiss you. I was worried, but this, this makes sense. And well, to be honest I think we’d work much better as friends”
This all seemed too good to be true “Really?”
“Yeah,” He nodded.
“I’m sorry,” She sobbed again.
He ran his fingers through her hair, bringing her head to his shoulder. “You don’t need to be, this isn’t your fault. I just don’t want to lose you.”
“You won’t I promise. You made this so difficult because I love you so much as a friend.”
He smiled “Really?”
“Honestly, you’re like my best friend Shane and I’d really like it to stay that way. I mean I understand if you feel weird ab-“
“I’m so okay with being your best friend Gina, I’m gonna need some time, to digest all this, but I’m here for you and I meant what I said, I think we’re way better off as friends.”
“Thank god I thought I was going to lose you,” She sniffled.
“Gina, I promise you will not lose me, okay?” He looked at her pointedly, she nodded. “I love you and I’m here for you no matter what. Have you told anyone else?”
“No,” she admitted. “Too scared.”
“Your mom will be fine, she might buy a “Proud gay mom!” shirt and make a bunch of TikTok’s, but she’ll be supportive.”
“Yeah, I know but my dad.” Regina gulped.
“Yeah, your dad,” Shane sighed. “But you’re almost 18 Gina, it’ll be okay. Besides your friends will be super supportive, they’re all gay.”
“Gretchen’s not,” She pointed out.
Shane raised an eyebrow, “Sure, her relationship with Karen is totally straight.”
“Okay I have caught them making out once, but they were drunk,” Regina laughed at the memory. “Actually you do have a point, Gretchen always has her hand on Karens thigh at lunch.”
“Yeah, they’re all gay so they’ll be fine,” He shrugged. It made sense to him but to Regina it was so much more than that.
“What if,” She gulped. “What if I don’t really have the right to come out after what I did to Janis.”
“Gina no, no don’t say that, everyone has the right to come out. What you did to Janis was bad okay, you know that, but you’ve apologised, and she’s forgiven you,” He squeezed her palm.
“Yeah, okay I’m just worried what Janis will say,” She admitted. “I just, I really really care about her and- I don’t really know.” She shrugged. She cared about Janis a lot, as a friend of course. She didn’t want to upset her for coming out when she never gave Janis that opportunity.
Shane raised an eyebrow and smiled, she shoved him off her bed, straight onto her wooden floorboards.
“You bitch, that hurt,” he sat up holding his head dramatically. “Not ready to talk about your raging crush on Janis I guess?”
She tried to keep a straight face, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Sure Gina,” He sat back down on the bed. “Dibs being best man at your wedding.”
She couldn’t help but smile.
Yeah, Regina really loved Shane Oman.