Work Text:
I see my world crumble and fall
Before my eyes, I know, I know
Dark will turn to light
In time I'll be alright, I know, I know
And All Things Will End -
Avenged Sevenfold
It was dark when Touya woke up.
He felt confused, opening his eyes slowly.
Why had he woken up?
There was someone standing at the foot of his bed.
“Fuck!”
He jumped backwards, almost hitting his head against the wall, the thin blanket covering him getting tangled in his legs a little.
He squinted his eyes at the figure near his low-to-the-ground, Western-style bed.
“Shouto?”
His brother didn’t reply. He was wearing the yellow atrocity.
The shoji leading to his engawa were closed, but they still allowed some light from outside to illuminate his room. He had no idea what time it was, but the sun still rose early since summer wasn’t over yet. Maybe it was the time just before sunrise.
He tossed the blanket to the side and got off the bed, standing up, closing the distance between them.
“Did something happen?”
He felt his eyes widen as he got to take a closer look at his brother, who was trembling slightly, arms by his sides, face unreadable.
His heart beat a little faster.
“Shit- what’s wrong?”
Mismatched eyes met his, glimmering in the dark.
“Can’t sleep.”
“O- oh.”
Fuck, he was useless. Do something, you piece of shit.
“Uh- wanna sit down?”
He stepped back and sat down on the edge of his bed, watching his brother as he followed suit, sitting down on his right side.
“Did you- did you have a nightmare?”
Shouto shook his head.
“O- okay. Uhm.”
Fuck, he was so fucking useless.
He lifted his right hand, hesitating slightly before lowering it onto his brother’s right shoulder.
The trembling body next to his immediately shuffled closer.
Silence.
He frowned. They’d soaked in the spacious outdoor hot spring earlier before watching a movie, then they’d both gone to their rooms to sleep. Everything had been normal.
“Are you cold?”
A nod.
“Uhm- wanna lie down?”
Another nod.
He lowered his right arm back down and pushed himself to the centre of the mattress, lying down on his left side, watching as his brother did the same, facing him.
Touya fumbled for the blanket he’d discarded earlier, wondering if it would even be warm enough. They’d have to share both the blanket and his only pillow.
He covered both of them with the soft fabric, finally taking a closer look at his brother’s face in the dim light.
Shouto wasn’t crying, but he looked… scared?
Fuck, he had to fix this. Why was he so fucking useless?
He lifted his right hand, hesitating slightly before lowering it onto the left side of his brother’s face, feeling his own fingers tremble slightly, wondering if this was too much.
Maybe he’d upset his brother.
Mismatched eyes widened slightly as he lifted his thumb before letting it rest on one scarred cheekbone, dragging it slightly across the dark red skin in a horizontal line before repeating the movement.
He swallowed, expecting Shouto to push his hand away at any second.
Touya almost jumped a little when his brother did lift his left hand, hastily pulled his own back, opened his mouth to apologise for overstepping like that, but the fingers instead gripped the front of his shirt.
The trembling body almost slammed into his as Shouto closed the distance between them, pressing his forehead against Touya’s collarbone, the hand that had held his shirt a second ago now moving to grip the back of it instead, one arm wrapped around his ribcage.
Oh.
Maybe he hadn’t upset his brother.
There was barely any space between them now.
Touya felt the dull warmth of shaky exhales through the fabric of his shirt.
He tilted his head down, letting his chin rest against the top of Shouto’s head.
He lifted his right hand, hesitating before lowering it, pressing his palm down between his brother’s shoulder blades.
The hand gripping the back of his shirt tightened its hold slightly.
Maybe he wasn’t so useless after all.
Touya’s left arm was mostly squashed by his own torso, but he held out his hand anyway, placing it in the minuscule space between them, palm facing up.
Cold fingers closed around his own.
Silence.
He moved his right hand further up, waiting for some kind of adverse reaction.
None came.
He navigated past the stupid yellow hood, slowly pressing his fingers into the back of his brother’s neck a few times before moving his hand further up, lightly pushing his thumb into the bone behind the ear.
The breaths hitting the front of his shirt had slowed down, the body all but pressed against his no longer trembling.
The fingers circling his left hand had warmed up. He gave them a light squeeze.
He moved his right hand further, slowly pushing his burned fingers into the bi-coloured hair.
Silence.
The hand gripping the back of his shirt loosened its hold slowly.
Touya started moving the fingers of his right hand slightly, pressing blunt fingernails into his brother’s scalp, repeating the small movement.
He stared at the shoji doors concealing the engawa outside his room.
This is what he should’ve been doing all those years ago.
He should’ve been there for his baby brother.
He should’ve comforted him after their father beat him up over and over.
He should’ve taken his siblings somewhere far away.
It would’ve been hard, but he and Fuyumi would’ve managed it somehow.
But he’d tried to kill his little brother instead.
What a piece of shit.
Touya kept up the movement of his right hand, listening to Shouto’s slow, steady breaths, unable to fall asleep again, watching as the light passing through the shoji doors became brighter and brighter until it hurt his eyes.
He didn’t know what time it was. He’d have to untangle himself to get to his phone. He kept waiting.
The breaths hitting the front of his shirt stuttered for a second.
He frowned, halting the movement of his right hand.
The hand at his back gripped his shirt.
“Shouto?”
“Mhm.”
“You alright?”
“Mhm.”
“That a yes?”
“Yeah.”
“‘Kay. Good.”
Silence.
“Time?”
“No idea.”
Silence.
“How was your sleep?”
Shouto let out a long breath.
“Best sleep I ever had.”
“Oh.”
“Mhm.”
Touya frowned, thinking about the reason why his brother was here in the first place.
“What happened?”
Silence.
The breaths hitting the front of his shirt had slowed down again.
“Shouto.”
Silence.
He tried to move his upper body backwards, but froze in place when he felt half a leg hook around the back of his knee instead.
“Touya-nii.”
“Yeah?”
“Stay.”
He let out a sigh.
“Couldn’t leave even if I wanted to.”
“Good.”
He resigned himself to being truly stuck now and went back to moving his right hand, lightly pushing his thumb into the bone behind the ear before sliding his hand further down, slowly pressing his fingers into the back of his brother’s neck a few times.
Touya kept up the movement, listening to Shouto’s slow, steady breaths.
The light’s brightness decreased, mercifully, allowing him to stare at the shoji doors without having to squint his eyes.
He waited.
He still didn’t know what time it was.
The breaths hitting the front of his shirt stuttered for a second.
He frowned, halting the movement of his right hand.
“You alright?”
“‘S too warm.”
“Don’t freeze my bed.”
“I won’t.”
“Good.”
He lifted his right hand, feeling the joints and muscles protest as his arm trembled, and used it to slowly pull the soft blanket off of them, tossing it towards their feet.
“Better?”
“Mhm.”
Silence.
The leg that had been lying on his calf disappeared.
He felt the pressure against his collarbone increase once before it also disappeared, along with the hand at his back and the dull warmth of slow exhales tangible through the fabric of his shirt.
Touya pulled his right arm back before sliding down a little on the mattress, allowing him to see his brother’s face in the light. His left hand was still being held warm fingers. There wasn’t a lot of space between their bodies.
Shouto no longer looked scared. He looked tired, but content.
Maybe he wasn’t so useless after all.
He lifted his right hand, hesitating slightly before lowering it onto the left side of his brother’s face, feeling his own fingers tremble slightly, wondering if this was too much.
Maybe he’d upset his brother.
Mismatched eyes widened slightly as he lifted his thumb before letting it rest on one scarred cheekbone, dragging it slightly across the dark red skin in a horizontal line before repeating the movement.
He swallowed, expecting Shouto to push his hand away at any second.
His brother’s face didn’t move apart from the slow blinking of his eyelids.
Maybe he hadn’t upset his brother.
He almost jumped a little when he felt a light pressure around his left hand.
Silence.
He raised his right hand again, lifted his index finger, noticing how the mismatched eyes widened slightly, recognising the incoming movement.
He let his index finger land between the bi-coloured brows, dragging it across the bridge of the nose before lifting his hand slightly, repeating the small movement several times, hearing his brother take a shaky inhale through his mouth.
He kept it up until his arm shook too much.
He lowered his hand until his palm rested on the left side of Shouto’s face, lifting his thumb before letting it land on one scarred cheekbone, dragging it slightly across the dark red skin in a horizontal line one last time before pulling back his trembling arm.
Silence.
Shouto raised his left hand, index finger lifted.
The fingertip landed between his brows, was dragged across the bridge of his nose before being lifted slightly, the small movement being repeated several times.
He blinked, resisting the urge to cross his eyes to look at the finger placed on the bridge of this nose.
Silence.
His eyelids were starting to feel heavy. He’d barely gotten any sleep.
But.
Touya forced his eyes open before lifting his trembling right arm, gently wrapping his fingers around his brother’s wrist, lowering both their hands to the mattress, watching as the other’s face scrunched up slightly.
“What happened?”
Shouto lowered his gaze.
“I don’t know. I woke up and I just- I just didn’t want to be alone.”
He frowned.
“Does that happen often?”
“Not anymore. Happened often when I was younger. Before I moved into the dorms.”
“When’s the last time you met any of your friends?”
“Uhm… ”
“Didn’t you want to meet them more often or some shit?”
“Yeah.”
Silence.
“You can’t just go to work and stay holed up here with me, you know.”
“I know.”
“Good.”
Silence.
His left hand was still being held by warm fingers. He gave them a light squeeze.
“Wanna get up?”
“Mhm.”
“I can get up first and make you coffee.”
“Sounds good.”
He tried to burn this moment into his unreliable memory. His baby brother, wearing the ugly-ass yellow atrocity, looking at him with tired eyes and a gentle smile on his face.
He squashed down the urge to blurt out another declaration of love. He didn’t even know if Shouto would appreciate it since they’d never talked about that windy day on that long-ass bridge.
Enough of this sappy shit.
Touya let go of his brother’s hand and wrist before pushing himself up with his left arm, the one that wasn’t trembling. He rolled off the bed on its right side, feeling a bit woozy as he slid his feet back into Fuyumi’s shitty grey whisker slippers and finally stood up, feeling the bouncy tatami mats beneath him.
He looked back at the yellow thing on his bed before approaching his desk where he’d left his phone, checking the time.
“11 a.m.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh.”
“I’ll get that coffee started.”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
He opened the shoji that lead to the corridor and followed it until he arrived in the kitchen. He approached the expensive Italian coffee machine, checked if it had enough water before grabbing Shouto’s horrible “UA alumni” mug from the cabinet, placing it under the machine and pressing the button.
He slowly walked over to the living room area while the machine ground the beans.
They had finally framed some photos and put them on the wall. There was one with a duck family on the lake, one macro shot of a dark red maple leaf against the setting autumn sun, one macro shot of some really weird mushrooms and one wide-angle, long exposure shot of the big-ass tachineputa in Goshogawara.
He’d taken all of those photos.
But his favourite had been placed right in the centre.
It was a photo of him and Shouto, their backs turned to the camera, sitting on the small pier, leaning back on their arms, looking out at the lake’s smooth surface, dressed in t-shirts since they’d taken it in summer (with the help of a tripod and a lot of tries).
He’d considered wearing something with long sleeves to conceal the messy patchwork that were his arms, but his brother had talked him out of it.
It was a good reminder, after all.
He’d fucked up, he’d paid the price to some extent, but he’d gotten a third chance at life.
All thanks to his little brother.
It was sappy as fuck, but he loved that photo.
The coffee was done. He eyed the corridor leading towards their rooms, but he hadn’t heard anything.
He still wanted one of those “miniature” floats that stood three metres tall. Maybe he should ask Dad if one of those former colleagues working at the museum could get him in touch with one of the increasingly rare craftsmen that produced those things.
He and his father barely talked. Touya didn’t really know what to say to the man whose funds had saved his body, to the man who kept giving him his full attention whenever they did talk, offering anything and everything to him after all these years while also holding complete legal and financial power over his life. Sometimes he wanted to talk to Shouto about inviting their father to their house. Sometimes he wanted the man to disappear forever.
Fuck, couldn’t things be easy for once?
He didn’t know what to think about Mum. He didn’t know if he hated her for how little she’d done to help him and his siblings when they were kids. He hated himself for burning her face.
She’d been here with Fuyumi once. His brother had suggested a day trip, had taken all four of them to that lake near their second holiday accommodation.
He couldn’t stand her smile sometimes. He couldn’t stand seeing her burned face.
He didn’t know what to think about Fuyumi either. She messaged him occasionally and sent him random pictures, but their meeting in person and the short time during that day trip had shown him that she was still somewhat scared of him if they weren’t separated by a large distance. But she kept messaging him anyway.
It wasn’t so bad.
Maybe.
He wasn’t getting another chance with Natsuo. He’d fucked up. It fucking hurt.
He’d never be able to meet his niece. He didn’t know if he should pressure Shouto into showing him some pictures of her, but he didn’t think it would be worth it. Natsuo would only hate him even more if he found out.
Footsteps approached, their sound muffled by grey whisker slippers.
His brother had changed into blue sweatpants and a black shirt.
Thank fuck.
“Your coffee’s getting cold.”
“Oh.”
Shouto picked up the ugly-ass mug and took a sip.
“It’s fine.”
“Good.”
Silence.
“Wanna go outside?”
“Yeah.”
He followed his brother as he opened two sets of glass doors that he closed behind himself before making his way down the wooden path leading to the little pier at the lakeshore.
They both sat down on the pier, gazing across the small lake framed by giant trees.
Silence.
It was a Sunday, meaning that he’d have to go back to Tokyo for his shitty therapy tomorrow since it was the second week of the month. He’d finally gotten his driver’s license this spring and had bought his first car. His dad had paid for everything.
He’d considered driving all the way in order to avoid public transport, but he’d just started reserving two seats next to each other on the bullet train instead. It was rarely crowded anyway and had been mostly bearable so far.
He’d done his best to tell the shrink about all the truly fucked up shit from his past. It was hard. His voice refused to come out on most days when he tried to tell her, but he was trying.
He leaned back to lie down on the wooden pier, looking up at the summer sky and the green leaves all around them.
Touya was absolutely blazing through the school years that he’d missed as a teenager. He would start catching up on 10th year material by the time winter rolled around. He’d begrudgingly admitted that his private tutors, hand-picked by Endeavour, were really… good. They never treated him like an idiot, they always knew how to help him solve problems, they answered all his stupid questions and they seemed genuinely… happy when he succeeded at something.
His father congratulated him via text whenever he passed another “year”. It made him feel weird. He didn’t want to think about it too much.
Shouto often helped him with his homework and always told him that he was very proud of him when he advanced to the next school year, which made him feel even weirder.
So much fucking sappy shit. Fuck.
This place was amazing, but he still wouldn’t mind going on another long holiday at some point. They’d gone back to some of the places they’d visited during the cherry blossom “season” earlier this year.
He sat back up, crossing his ankles.
Life… life was good.
He listened closely as the warm summer breeze rustled the surrounding trees.
“Touya-nii.”
He didn’t know why, but the tone of his brother’s voice made him think that it was something important.
He turned his head towards his right.
Shouto was leaning backwards on his hands, his legs dangling off the edge of the pier, ugly-ass UA mug placed somewhere behind him.
“Yeah?”
One blue eye, the same colour as his.
One grey eye, the same colour as Mum’s.
He was looking.
His face was-
“I love you.”
Huh?
“Huh?”
He felt a weird pressure in his chest.
His brother turned his head to gaze across the water.
“I kept thinking about it since you told me. I didn’t know how to feel about it. I didn’t know if I felt the same way. I didn’t know what it was supposed to feel like. But now I know.”
Touya didn’t know what to say. His heart beat a little faster.
“Maybe I don’t even know how to feel things properly. Maybe it’s the old man’s fault. Maybe I- maybe that’s just how I am.”
Mismatched eyes slid over to meet his.
“But I mean it. I really do.”
He didn’t know what to say.
Shouto frowned.
The pressure in his chest was almost unbearable now.
He stared down at the wooden planks beneath him.
“I’m not giving up on you, Touya-nii.”
“Are you going to be at my graduation?”
“Could you do this? For me.”
“I can’t stay any longer, Touya-nii.”
“I wish we could’ve talked instead.”
“I want you to live.”
“Can you live for me, Touya-nii?”
“That’s enough.”
“It’s alright.”
“I’ll be back tomorrow.”
“You made it.”
“I’d like that, Touya-nii.”
“Maybe you should leave in the meantime, Touya-nii.”
“Don’t you ever do that to me again, Touya-nii.”
“I don’t hate you, nothing like that.”
“There’s a lot of fire, but it’s not blue.”
“How would you feel if someone murdered me for no reason and never apologised?”
“I could help you write something.”
“Don’t leave me again, Touya-nii.”
“Would you go on a holiday with me?”
“I’m here. It’s going to be alright.”
“Feels weird to eat dinner alone, I guess.”
“You should try it. Hot springs are really nice.”
“Do you like the view, Touya-nii?”
“I took some pictures, wanna see?”
“I’m here. It’s going to be alright.”
“Do you like the view while driving, Touya-nii?”
“Okay. I trust you.”
“So you’re coming with?”
“You could use my phone to take some pictures yourself.”
“Do you think it was worth coming all this way?”
“Do you have nightmares about Pikachu?”
“I told you that hot springs are nice.”
“You can do it, Touya-nii.”
“I’m glad that you came all the way up here with me, Touya-nii.”
“But it’s your favourite food.”
“It’s- it’s Natsu-nii.”
“It’s- it’s his wife.”
“She gave birth. To a girl.”
“Touya-nii, I’m sorry-“
“We can talk tomorrow.”
“Call me if you want me to come back.”
“I thought you would hate me again.”
“There’s different bubble baths to choose from.”
“Just call him and ask. He’s not going to turn you down.”
“Aren’t you happy?”
“I really wanted you to be at my graduation.”
“I’m not defending him. And I don’t hate him.”
“Are you excited?”
“We can come back with a proper camera one day.”
“Are you glad that you called the old man?”
“I often did it after you made it out of the tank. You were really upset sometimes. I think it calmed you down.”
“Mum used to do it for me. Before she did this and was sent to the hospital.”
“I didn’t waste any time on you, Touya-nii. I wanted to be there. I didn’t just visit because I felt guilty or because of some obligation. I wanted to save you.”
“You also tried to hurt yourself sometimes. I stopped you and tried to get you to fall asleep instead.”
“Will you at least try?”
“Do you want to come back to Touhoku?”
“We can still buy you a proper camera.”
“You can watch the sunrise here if you get up early.”
“We can catch a cruise boat in an hour if you get up soon.”
“No one’s ever said that to me before.”
“We’ll have one more view like this.”
“Do you hate Tokyo that much?”
“We could watch a movie.”
“Will you move to the countryside with me, Touya-nii?”
“Isn’t that what we’re already doing?”
“I haven’t bought any land yet. But I’m not leaving you.”
“I’ve been putting up with you for four years, more or less.”
“I’d just really like you to do something on your own. Something that you enjoy. Something that’s just yours, you know.”
“Will you move to the countryside with me, Touya-nii?”
“Was that the wrong thing to say?”
He felt like he could finally use his voice again.
“No, uhm- it’s-”
He raised his head. Shouto was sitting next to him, still frowning, one hand held out slightly, looking unsure, bi-coloured hair blowing slightly in the wind.
“No one’s ever said that to me before.”
The frown deepened.
“Not even Mum?”
He shook his head slowly.
“I- I don’t think so.”
His brother’s gaze softened.
“This family’s really messed up, huh?”
The pressure in his chest had become unbearable now.
He reached out his arms.
Mismatched eyes widened before Shouto closed the gap between them, pulling his legs up somewhat before wrapping his arms around him.
Fuck, he was crying.
One of the hands on his back slid further up, fingers pressing against the back of his skull, slowly pushing into his white hair.
He tightened his hold on the one person who’d told him that he loved him.
Did Mum love him? Did Fuyumi?
Did Dad?
He didn’t want to think about that last one.
No one had ever said those words to him.
Until now.
He closed his eyes, feeling the dull sensation of tears sliding down the artificial skin covering his cheeks.
Warmth.
He didn’t want the warmth to disappear.
Ever.
Touya took notice of the sounds of the birds in the surrounding trees, of the small frogs jumping into the water and croaking away, of the wind rustling the green summer leaves. The noise of life continuing undisturbed around them had never sounded so far away.
The world did not care about two brothers embracing, one of them having somehow escaped his untimely death, still drawing breath after breath, stuck in a body that had never been made to withstand his fire, mostly destroyed by his own powers and misplaced tenacity, the other marching steadily towards a bright future, supported by friends, lifted up by his two powers that complimented each other perfectly, allowing him near unlimited potential.
The pressure in his chest dissolved a little bit with every breath.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
Don’t leave me.
I’m sorry.
I love you.
His eyes shot open.
He’d forgotten to tell his brother the most important thing.
Years had gone by and he’d never said it out loud.
He pulled back gently.
Bi-coloured brows furrowed in confusion.
He placed his burned hands on the sides of Shouto’s face.
“Thank you.”
Fuck, his voice was just a broken, garbled mess, but he needed to say this.
“Thank you for- for saving a broken piece of shit like me.”
The heterochromatic gaze softened.
Two unburned, unscarred hands rose to frame his face. The left one was slightly warmer.
“I can’t be a hero if I can’t even save my own brother, can I?”
The pressure in his chest was back.
Shouto leaned forward, moving his right palm to rest lightly on the left side of his disfigured lower jaw, feeling for the slightly tense, weak muscles, pressing down ever so slightly, coaxing him into unclenching his teeth.
His brother leaned forward even further until his forehead rested against Touya’s.
Fuck, he remembered this.
The pressure in his chest had become unbearable now.
He closed his eyes, trying to keep himself from sobbing uncontrollably as he felt his brother’s breath on his fucked up face.
Fuck, he remembered this.
But there was no shitty heart rate monitor. There were no shitty chains. He wasn’t fucking dying.
He was alive.
“Can you live for me, Touya-nii?”
He swallowed hard.
“I love you. Fuck, I love you so much.”
"I love you too, Touya-nii.”
“F- fuck.”
“That’s not what they say in the movies.”
He let out a choked laugh.
Fuck, he was the luckiest piece of shit in the world.
Silence.
The pressure in his chest dissolved a little bit with every passing second.
He listened closely as the warm summer breeze rustled the surrounding trees.
Touya let out a shuddering breath before pulling back.
Mismatched eyes widened slightly as he lifted his thumb before letting it rest on one scarred cheekbone, dragging it slightly across the dark red skin in a horizontal line once.
He slowly lowered his arms. Shouto mirrored the movement.
He tried to burn this moment into his unreliable memory. His baby brother, sitting on their pier near their lakeside house, looking at him with too bright eyes and a gentle smile on his face.
Fuck.
“Think that’s enough sappy shit for one day.”
Man, his voice was fucked.
Shouto lifted his left arm, lazily flicking two fingers against his forehead.
Touya felt his brows furrow in confusion.
“Fuck did you flick my forehead for?”
Mismatched eyes blinked slowly.
“You deserved it.”
“Did not.”
“You did.”
“Did not.”
“You did.”
Silence.
He listened closely as the warm summer breeze rustled the surrounding trees.
“Touya-nii?”
“Yeah?”
“Will you do me a favour?”
“Anything.”
“If I buy you a onesie, will you wear it?”
He grimaced.
“I take it back.”
“But you said you’d do anything.”
“I have my limits.”
“Please?”
“No.”
Was that a… pout?
“I want to have more pyjama-onesie-parties.”
“Sounds like a you problem.”
“I can’t have them on my own.”
“Too bad.”
“It wouldn’t be a party if it was just me, Touya-nii.”
“And? Ask your friends. They love that shit, apparently.”
“But I want to have a pyjama-onesie-party with you.”
“Fuck.”
“Is that a yes?”
“No promises.”
“Okay.”
“Fuck.”
Silence.
“Wanna go back inside? We could play some video games.”
“Yeah. Go ahead. I’ll be a few minutes.”
“Okay.”
Shouto stood up, picked up his ugly-ass UA mug and made his way back towards their house.
Touya turned his head to gaze across the water.
The pressure in his chest was gone.
He felt the warm breeze on his different skins. Barely, but he felt it.
He heard the birds sing in the surrounding trees, heard the small frogs jump into the water and croak away.
He felt the smooth wooden pier under his hands. Barely, but he felt it.
He heard the rustling of the summer leaves all around him.
He was alive.
He’d fucked up, he’d paid the price, but he was alive.
Some things he’d broken could never be fixed.
But it’d be alright. Mostly.
He’d gotten a second chance.
A third chance, even.
He wasn’t going to waste this one.
Someone had asked him to live.
And live he would.