Archive of Our Own

Report: Serial killer in my family? It’s more likely than you think!

Type: Investigative report via interpersonal interviews

Format: Audio transcript

Subject: Investigation into why Basil June is the last person to know Ace is the prolific serial killer: The Prince of Pain, and why none of the commanders or Pops seem to care.

Interrogator: 12th Division 3rd Lieutenant Basil June, Information Gatherer and Broker under Commander Haruta

Location: The Moby Dick

Note: I thought about just using pen and paper for the interviews, but then I was like fuck it, lets do this professional style like I work for Morgans himself. So I’m going to record everything with a dial tone and then go back and transcribe everything. 

For anyone potentially listening to this report later and wonders where I got said tone dial from: don’t worry about it. And now Commander Haruta wants to use this as an actual document for the crew to use later so now I'm doubly glad I formatted this like an actual report.

Note 2: Everything in italics are the notes I wrote during the recording session that are either my own thoughts on an interview or flavor text to add context to a conversation. 

_____

Interview #1 - Senior Nurse Karma (self proclaimed ‘best big sister’)

Location: Medbay Bathroom

Interviewer Basil June: My first question for you is: how the hell am I the last person to hear about this?

Senior Nurse Karma: To be fair, the crew at large doesn't know yet. Just the nurses and commanders, but yeah, it is weird that you weren't one of the first to know, since you're like, the literal Queen of Gossip?

Basil: Ugh, don't remind me.

Karma: Of how bad you are at your job?

Basil: Ma’am, I’m the one asking the questions today.

Karma: Uh huh.

Basil: Anyways. How do you feel about murder?

Karma leaned forward and peered deep into my eyes.

Karma: I’ve never killed anyone in my life; I’m a nurse ya’know? We don't kill, we heal. And while we're on it I stand by the idea that assisted murder is completely different than murder murder. The knife wasn't in my hand so I couldn't have really contributed and honestly, I’m usually just a part of the clean up crew.

Basil: Not only was that the most suspicious thing I’ve ever heard, you also didn't really answer the question.

Karma: Oh screw off, you know what I mean.

Basil: That you assisted, but didn’t commit a murder yourself? That you’re a serial killer's accomplice?!

Karma: Tch. 

Basil: Don’t tch me. What the hell Karma? Where’s your loyalty?

Karma: Ace is our brother, of course I’d help him!

Basil: Not that, I mean obviously you should help out family when they ask, I mean how come you didn't tell me ?

Karma: I thought you knew.

At this point in time I had to put a pin in the conversation as emotions were running high. By which I mean I chomped onto the hem of my shirt and screamed.

Basil: Senior Nurse Karma, do you know how gossip works?

She shrugged again and I reluctantly let the topic go. In this line of work you have to be comfortable with letting certain conversation points die dry deaths so that you can get to the heart of what you really want to know.

Basil: …you mentioned something about being in the ‘clean up crew’?

She glared at me.

Karma: Murder is bad.

Basil: Okay?

Karma: And that’s me answering your question.

Basil: That’s not an answer!

_____

Interview #2 - 4th Division Commander Thatch ( The Best Cook on the Seas)

Location: Kitchen

Interviewer Basil June: So what was the first thing you said or did when you found out?

Commander Thatch looked up from where he was crouched by the ovens, peering into the one he had, only minutes ago, put some soon to be delicious, soft, chocolate chip cookies in. The pacing of this conversation may be based on when those cookies would be done.

4th Division Commander Thatch: Found out what?

Basil: That our new baby brother is a cold blooded killer.

Thatch: Do you have to say it like that?

Basil: The facts are what they are, and the facts say that Ace dearest has hella blood on his hands.

Thatch: We are pirates, none of us are saints as some like to say, a lot of us have killed.

Basil: Don't be obtuse Commander, it doesn't suit you.

The 4th Division Commander heaved out a heavy sigh and stood up. You didn’t hear this from me, but I heard his knees click.

Thatch: Okay, fine. I don’t like it per say, but I also haven't really talked to him about it? It's kind of a hard thing to bring up so I’m waiting on Marco to handle it.

Basil: It's definitely a first mate problem if I ever heard one.

Thatch: You’re telling me. It was a week or so ago, when I first found out. I um— I told him maybe he could slow down a bit when it came to conflict. Like to try non violent methods to get what you want before you go to violence. You know what he said to me?

Basil: What?

Thatch: Mind you he was covered in blood and there’s a couple— uh,  former couple of lovebirds at his feet. They’d been doing nothing but getting handsy with each other a second before and then Ace came up behind them and… stopped them. 

Basil: That’s certainly a way you could phrase that.

Thatch: But I tell Ace, “Try and talk to people first, if they’re doing something you don't like, before you go straight to fighting.” And he says, and he has this confused look on his face, he says, “But they didn't fight back?”

I took a moment to laugh my fucking ass off because can you imagine trying to tell your brother that murder should not be his first option and his only rebuttal is that it’s fine because ‘the people I just murdered didn't fight back’.

Thatch: It's not funny!

Basil: It’s a little funny— I, okay no, you’re right, it's not funny. Innocent people died and that is tragic, but can you fucking imagine explaining that line of reasoning to their ghosts?

Thatch: No, but I can imagine explaining that to their family. Since that’s what I did when I dropped off their bodies.

Basil: You told them that?! To their faces? Ain't no way.

Thatch: Well I didn’t—  I didn’t tell them that exactly, not like how Ace phrased it. I just said that there was an altercation and they got caught in the crossfire.

Basil: Oh, this was on Petal Island right? That's why that other crew, uh, the Blueberry Eels? That’s why they got chased away that night right? I heard from some folks on the island that they had killed some locals, but that was actually Ace and you pinned it on the Blueberries?

Thatch: It was the Blue Eels and yeah.

My what a twisted sort of affairs. I felt like I was in the middle of a noir novel.

Basil: …oh my god.

Thatch: What?

Basil: This is exactly like a noir novel and you're an accomplice. You are an accomplice to an actual murder. Murders.

Thatch: I am— no no, no I’m not. Am I? No. Oh my god, wait.

I watched and waited as Thatch tried to come to terms with his delve into debauchery. Well, other debauchery sans being a pirate. Actually now that I’m thinking about it, why is Commander Thatch so distressed about this? I have seen this man kill half a dozen people with a skillet and paring knife and then (after cleaning them) use those same tools to make lunch an hour later.

Thatch: I just wanted Ace to have more time to process what I said! He can’t do that in prison!

Basil: So you lied to keep him safe? Looked into those innocent islander’s eyes and told them that reason their loved ones are dead is because of another crew? Dare I say you… hid the evidence?

Thatch: Don't say it like that!

Basil: Like what commander? What's wrong with me telling the truth? Is that something you struggle with?

Thatch: Urgh. Fine, whatever, I bailed him out, but I am not an accomplice. I was minding my business up until Ace went all stabby.

Basil: Fair. Before we wrap this up, I would just like to read this definition out loud to you. For no reason at all. 

Thatch: Okay?

Basil: Accomplice: a person who helps another commit a crime.

Thatch: ...

Basil: …

Thatch: When you report back to Haruta later, tell him that you're the reason his division isn’t getting any dessert tonight.

Basil: What—  wait, Commander Thatch, I was joking! I was kidding I swear—  don’t just walk away. C’mon, let me read you this other definition: Forgiveness— 

_____

“This is my formal apology to everyone in the 12th Division. I am sorry that my actions impeded our collective privilege of dessert, specifically Thatch’s rarely made cookies and fudge parfait and I swear I will never upset him again.

And to Thatch: I’m sorry that I upset you and that your inability to handle the truth has caused you to feel bad. Please consider retracting your punishment to solely me and leave my innocent division members, and most importantly, Commander Haruta out of it. They had nothing to do with what I said and should be absolved of my actions. My words do not speak for the entire division.”

I really had to write and read all of that out loud to the crew last night at dinner, ugh. More importantly, this whole section of the interview got me banned from having dessert for the rest of the month. Was it worth it? Yes. Is this crew full of BABIES? Also yes. 

The things I do for journalistic integrity.

_____

Interview #3 - Senior Nurses Mai & Ai (twin sisters) (giggle bitches, can get any stain out of your clothes in 10 seconds flat)

Location: Laundry Room

Interviewer Basil June: So how and why has Ace being a serial killer impacted you as a person?

Senior Nurse Mai: I feel like it helped me grow, like I know how the world really works just a little bit better. Mainly I learned that being on the clean up crew is nothing like it is in thriller-detective novels. For one it feels more like I'm trying to prevent my little sibling from getting a spanking because he stole from the cookie jar. Like holy shit, Ace is so awkward every time he comes to us—

Senior Nurse Ai: *laughs* Right? He always looks so embarrassed, fresh off the job.  I asked him if he was hurt once and he was so flustered, didn't want to show me the cut on his arm.

Mai: Ha! Like dude, you just murdered someone, what the hell are you so shy for?

Mai and Ai: *both giggle*

They did that a lot: giggling, not just when chatting about murder, though Ai was much softer about it.

Basil: So would you say your skill in hiding bodies, destroying evidence, and creating an alibi have gotten a significant boost since working with Ace?

Mai: Oh definitely.

Basil: And your duties and obligations as nurses haven’t interfered with that?

Mai: What, you mean like ‘do no harm’? That’s only for legal, government sanctioned nurses. I'm a pirate baby, I can harm as much as I like.

Ai: Well, we don’t really do any more harm working with Ace, than what we do as nurses.

Mai: True. It's a hell of a lot more complex in some ways though. Comes in handy too, nurse skills, murder coverup skills, they cross over a lot. When Ace needs a body hidden we know exactly where to cut to make transportation easier and what chemicals get what bodily fluids from the carpet and off the walls.

Ai: And out of hats.

Mai: He's so freaking messy. Told him time and time again, wear a different outfit when you're doing your business, and he does sometimes, but he insists on wearing that hat every time, everywhere.

Ai: I think his brother gave it to him.

Mai: All the more reason to take it off and not soak it in incriminating evidence. You want a clean up crew out of us, you’ll get a clean up crew, but the first rule to cleaning a mess is to try and avoid it in the first place.

Basil: Damn, wish I had come to y’all first. You guys are… not very shy about what exactly helping Ace entails. Hell, you don’t even seem uncomfortable about finding out that Ace is the… Prince of Pain? 

I had to look down at my notes to remember what the newspapers called him.

Basil: Who named him that? Whatever. I bet y'all didn't even flinch when you found out!

Mai: I didn’t.

Ai: I thought he was hurt!

Mai: She screamed like a baby. Get this, so Ace, and mind you this was like a month or so ago, when the Mortis Nurses—

Basil: Mortis Nurses?

Mai: The clean up crew. We’re a whole subset of the clinic now, got the redacted paperwork and everything. But uh, but a month ago me and Ai we were helping take the clinics laundry down to the wash area and Ace was there— and no one else thankfully— and he was covered, I mean absolutely soaked in blood— 

Ai: I'm glad he wasn’t hurt…

Mai: Yeah, just a bruise on his arm. Anyway after we sprayed him off with a washing hose and looked him over he told us what he’d done and said the only reason he’d been bruised at all is because someone had almost caught him and they clipped his leg as he was leaving… wherever he was at the time. Guess the weapon had a seastone coating. I told him to ask me and Ai for help next time and he did, and then it just kind of became a thing.

Basil: And that was it? No questions, no concerns on who he was killing and why?

Mai: Uh, no. Though in hindsight those are very good questions to ask at some point.

If there was one thing I had learned in all my years on this crew it's that Family Comes First Always. Unless you do some completely evil shit which i thought included (unwarranted) murder, but maybe that was just my interpretation.

Basil: Death nurses.

Mai: What?

Basil: I just realized Mortis Nurses could be translated as just Death Nurses. That’s fucking sick.

Mai: Right?! That’s what I said, Death Nurses sounds so much cooler, but apparently Mortis Nurses sounds “slightly less ominous” according to the Head Nurse, which’ll make it easier to explain to the rest of the crew what we do when Ace’s “second job” is more well known.

Ai: Which may not happen.

Mai: We'll see. It’d be nice if the commanders and Pops actually got around to talking about it. Uhm, Ace murdering I mean. At the very least they should chat with Ace about it, serial killing can not be good for a kid that young.

Ai nodded along to her sister's words with a frown.

Basil: True, but uh, cool. Well, not cool, murder is bad when people don’t deserve it, but this has been a productive interview and I’m getting this gut feeling it will likely be the only one.

Ai: Murder is bad. I wish Ace wouldn’t kill so often, I don’t want him to stain his soul.

Mai: …

Basil: …

Mai: I think it may be a bit late for that twin.

Ai: *deep sigh* Yeah…

Basil: Oh yeah, before I go, who else is in the Mortis squad? How’d they get involved, similar story to yours?

Mai: You'd have to ask them, some of them are a lot more cagey about it than we are for whatever reason. As for who exactly, uh, talk to Rei next? She’ll act cagey but she’ll chat about it just as much as us if not more. You know her, she’s only known him since he joined the crew, but she loves Ace to pieces.

Ai: She can be very… biased sometimes.

Basil: We’re all biased in this fucking crew. It’s the reason we're all so ambivalent about Ace killing rando civilians. But god forbid some other pirate crew kill a half dozen people on some island under our protection.

Mai: They shouldn’t touch our shit, only we can touch our shit.

Ai: *soft sigh* I really hope Commander Marco talks to him about this soon. I don’t want Ace to get into too much trouble because he bit off more than he can chew.

Mai: Yeah and I don’t mind helping him out, but he kills a lot of people. Like, a lot a lot of people and that can not be great for his mental health.

Basil: And murder is bad.

Ai: Murder is bad.

Mai: Uh, yeah, sure, that too.

_____

I searched high, I searched low and inevitably my search for Rei led me to the one person I didn’t want to find. The man with the power to stifle the truth, to stifle the creative drive I had in recording this incredibly necessary documentation on Ace with only a word. 

The one man who I probably should have talked to first about this project before starting on it, but unfortunately I am very much an ask for forgiveness later than ask for permission now kind of woman. 

So in search of the good nurse Rei, I instead found my boss.

_____

Interview #4 - 12th Division Commander Haruta (is not the shortest in the crew)

Location: Hall Outside of the Gossip & Tea Room  Info & Communications Offices

Interviewer Basil June: Hey Commander, I was def looking for you, do you mind answering a few questions for me? I uhm, noticed that I may be slipping in my pursuit of gossip slash info gathering so I figured I would come to you, the king of interesting information, and chat.

12th Division Commander Haruta: Fire away, also flattery will only get you somewhere, and I’m not sure you’ll like where you're going to end up.

Basil: I am choosing to ignore 75% of what you just said. Anyways, my first question for you is this: at what point did you realize that, holy shit, this is really happening, little bro is out here butchering people? I’m referring to Ace obviously.

Haruta: Obviously, and y’know, it definitely had to be when I was chatting with one of our informants a few weeks ago in Yorc Town and Ace dropped down from the building next to us and broke his neck. I mean, you and Sandy had told me before you thought he may be doing something weird at some of the islands we stopped by—

Basil: I thought he was just exploring or getting laid for the first time, not this! Little bro is leaving a trail of bodies behind him and not in the fun way.

Haruta: Sandy thought he was getting into fights. Maybe underground fighting arenas. She said he smelled ‘overwhelmingly like blood and fear’. Guess the fear bit makes more sense now, cause that dumbass would try and tank all three admirals at once if given the chance. 

Lol true. Thank god for Sandy though, lovely, lovely Sandy. Having a dog Mink as part of the intelligence division made figuring things like this out easy. 

Easier. 

Sometimes. 

Not now, cause Ace has been with us for like half a year and we’re only just now learning about his second epithet, but usually having a dog mink makes investigations easier.

Haruta: Anyway, I wasn’t that upset about it, Kei was an asshole and I had been thinking about letting him go anyway.

Basil: Kei?

Haruta: The informant. C’mon Basil, you gotta be better than that.

Basil: It's for the recording I swear! For the audience. I knew who Kei was.

I did not, in fact, know who Kei was.

Haruta: Yeah, sure, and I definitely believe that. Anyway, I hear you’ve been asking these kinds of questions to everyone “in the know” and I’m gonna need you to slow your roll.

Basil: Aw, why? Invasion of privacy?

Haruta: *scoffs* Yeah, no. I just know that your recordings and documentation are going to be used whenever the rest of the family figures out that the ‘Prince of Pain’ is our newest brother and I want to make sure you have all your facts straight.

Basil: Rude commander! I’ve been collecting and dispensing information for you (and for funsies) for like five years now. I know my shit. You think all those reports I’ve written for you about regional facts and rumors have been half-assed?

Haruta: Oh no, you’re great at your job, but as of now I’m making this project of yours an official assignment, which means I want to see everything you have so far.

Basil: Noooo, I wanted to chat with Rei first.

For a commander, I have never met someone with bigger younger sibling vibes than Commander Haruta. This man didn’t even wait for me to finish complaining before he was digging through my satchel and flipping through all my notes.

Haruta: I’m going to read this and while I do I’m also going to help you parse the official timeline of Ace’s actions since his joining the crew.

Basil: You can read?

Haruata: I literally know where you sleep, where you work, and who your father is.

Basil: Kidding! But how the hell are you going to read all that and give me an in depth report comprising six months worth of actions at the same time?

Haruta: Skill, also I’m better than you. Here, hold this notebook and write this down.

Basil: Okay, okay. Give me the deets.

Haruta: So, here’s the current official timeline of events since the ‘Prince of Pain’ officially joined our crew, 6 months and 18 days ago.

Months 1-4 of him joining was normal, after he was done trying to kill Pops anyway. Ace met the crew, we told him what’s what, here’s where's where, got him nice and cozy and comfortable with us.

Basil: And you tested how good he was at pranking people so you and Thatch can become a trio.

Haruta: He's a natural. You'd think he’d be shit at stealth, but he can be as silent as a butterfly when he wants. Now shush.

1 month and 26 days ago, you and Sandy began to suspect that Ace may have picked up a hobby that he was trying to keep quiet about. You both said he would act cagey about where exactly he’d go when we stopped at an island at and he’d give anyone asking questions only vague details as to what he’d done.

1 month and 14 days ago Senior Nurses Mai and Ai stumble unto Ace in the laundry room soaked in blood and they offer to help him with said hobby. Over the course of the next 17 days, Rei and then the remaining three of the Mortis Nurses would find out about Ace’s hobby and also offer to join him as part of his clean up crew. Most of them were just worried about Ace being caught by whatever local authority would care about his most recent kill, ‘cept of course Rei because—  well, you know.

Junior Nurse Rei was a beloved sister of the crew, but she definitely played favorites with Ace. For most of us asking a favor from family would have their limits, even as much as we loved them. For her? From Ace? It was very much “point and say the word”. If he told her to jump, she wouldn’t even ask how high, she’d just start jumping a series of varying heights. 

Note: delete or rephrase this bit, I don’t want Rei getting mad at me for just stating facts about her like THATCH  another CERTAIN SOMEONE. People just don’t like hearing truths about themselves for some reason.

Haruta: 3 weeks and 4 days ago I was talking to the late Informant Kei in Yorc Town and Ace dropped on top of him from a nearby roof, snapping his neck and then stomping his head in like a watermelon. I may or may not have vomited. Afterwards we talked about what the fresh hell he was doing, during which the twins and Rei appeared and began moving Kei’s body down a side alley of the street we were on and shoving it into a bag.

The very next morning I approached Pops and told him about the incident. He informed me that he knew already and that he had the situation under control and to not worry about it.

Basil: You mean he passed it on to Marco?

Haruta: He passed it on to Marco. At least I'm assuming. He just as well could have told Head Nurse Wynter to take care of it since it's her nurses who are helping Ace out. I can’t imagine she’s been too happy about that.

Basil: Oh, that’s true.

Haruta: As far as the rest of the timeline goes, it’s pretty brief, or rather, not a lot happens as far as the crew finding out is concerned. Ace has definitely been busy. 

*sigh* About uh, 1 week ago Thatch found out, which you already know. I know he’s been acting a little… on edge since then.

Basil: He is indeed, and then he PUNISHED me just for being a little curious.

Haruta: Speaking of which, If you ever put my dessert in danger again, I’ll confine you to the ship for the next five islands.

Considering my job (and fave hobby) was collecting as much gossip as physically possible, I may have gotten on my knees and balled my hands up in Commander Haruta’s shirt. I may have started to cry. I may have even held on to that shirt and been dragged around the halls of the Moby Dick as Commander Haruta tried to claw my hands off, but what I absolutely didn’t do, regardless of what the tone dial recorded, was beg.

Basil: Commander please. I said I was sorry!

Haruta: Rule number one of the Intelligence Division Basil?!

Basil: *sniff* Don’t piss off the people who make your foooood…

Haruta: And what did you do?

Basil: *hic* Ask simple questions that made Thatch unreasonably upset…

Haruta: Dumbass. Now get off of me.

Basil: *sniffle* …fine. Uhm, commander?

Haruta: What?

Basil: Do the rest of the commanders know about Ace? Will they punish me unjustly if I talk to them?

Haruta: If you had let me finish, I would have told you that after Thatch watched Ace butcher those lovebirds, he called a meeting with all of the leadership on the crew and told us about the incident. I told them about mine and then we all looked at Pops who then looked really interested in a newspaper that just earlier that day he said was full of government fluff pieces. So then we all looked at Marco, who looked back at Pops and they had a weird staring contest for a really long time and then eventually the rest of us left.

Basil: So they know, but they— none of you, have done anything?

Haruta: Yup.

Basil: Can I ask why?

Haruta: Ehhhh, ask Marco about it.

Basil: *deep sigh* Alright.

Haruta: ...

Basil: ...

Haruta: …

Basil: Can I have my notes back please?

Haruta: Mh-hm. One more thing Basil?

Basil: Yeah?

Haruta: This whole thing is, on some level, an invasion of privacy, one you didn’t ask permission to invade before you started. So before I send you off, I’m going to need you to do one or two things for me. As punishment and as uh, we’ll call it supplementary work.

Basil: Riiiight…

_____

Oh for fucks sake. Is this going to be a pattern? Every commander I talk to immediately punishes me??? Y'all know what this is? Abuse of power. And as soon as I get done with this project (and all this damn paperwork Haruta just threw on my lap as “supplementary work”) I'm taking my complaints straight to the top!

(Not that Pops will do anything, but it’s always fun to complain.)

_____

Interview # 5 - Junior Nurse Rei (ain't no snitch)

Location: Medbay Storage

I tried to corner Rei into a nearby empty broom closet unsuccessfully and had to conduct her interview as she was reorganizing the medicine cabinets.  

Interviewer Basil June: Thanks again for agreeing to chat with me.

Junior Nurse Rei: I didn't do it. I don't know who did it, I don’t know how they did it, or where they did it at, and if I did know who I didn't see who I don't know didn’t do it, I wouldn’t tell you.

Basil: Oh my god.

Rei looked away with a smug look on her face that suggested she may have practiced those lines beforehand. 

Basil: Did you practice that? Did you know I was trying to find you and practice? Or did you just know someone would eventually ask you about being a Mortis Nurse and you just fucking— 

Rei: Can’t say.

Basil: Right, okay. Anyways, let's talk about Ace.

Rei: Yes! Let’s do that! I love Ace; not to be biased, but he’s my favorite brother.

Basil: I— yeah. That’s actually part of the problem.

Rei: What problem?

Have any of y’all ever told Rei or implied that how much she loves Ace is a negative thing? Because I wasn't intending to do that in this instance and the look in her eye said I was one more implication away from having my throat slit.

Basil: I mean the problem of Ace being the Prince of Pain. Are you aware that being a serial killer is generally and inherently a bad thing? And that it is not good to be a serial killer or to support a serial killer?

Rei: I mean, yeah, but I can’t leave Ace out to dry. Even if he is hurting other people, it's my job as his sister to support him through his trials and tribulations!

Basil: And I agree. Kinda. As his family, as his sisters especially, we should make sure our little brother is all good and if he’s going through a tough time or making the wrong decisions I want to be there for him to steer him the right way. I should be there for him. But uh, don’t you think the serial killing thing is a little… much?

Rei: No.

Basil: So you—  so you don't see anything wrong with Ace killing a bunch of innocent, non enemy individuals?

Rei: If Ace is fighting them, then they’re his enemies and that means they are my enemies and I'll help take care of them.

Basil: Wait, have you also been killing people? With Ace, or is this a separate thing— Like do we have two serial killer’s I need to interview?

Rei: Just for Ace. With Ace. Sometimes there are witnesses. 

Basil: Random question: If I wanted someone killed, could I go to you about it?

Rei: Why? What did they do that made you want them dead?

Basil: Okay, now let me ask you a second question: have you asked Ace those same clarifying questions? Like, why does he need people dead?

Rei: *laughter* Of course not!

Basil: …can I ask why?

Rei: Of course you can!

Basil: …

Rei: …

Basil: …why do you not ask Ace those questions Rei?

Rei: You’re so silly Basil, it’s because I love Ace the most! If he asked me to kill everyone on the Moby and burn the entire ship down— 

Basil: Okay! Great talking to you Rei, you’re always a delight. You keep doing you, you lovely, lovely lady. I love the way you’re just so honest. Love that, love you. See you at dinner? I’ll see you at dinner. Later!  

_____

I've been a part of this crew for ten years and I really had no idea what kind of dangerous people were on this ship. I mean, we’re a Yonko crew and all, so that’s a given, but I can’t say I've ever been scared of one of my family members like I was talking to Rei. Except that time the Cypher pirates burned Marco’s paperwork in some idiotic power play against him. I've never seen a ship sink that fast. 

Anyways.

Dear Commander Haruta, after you hear/read this section of my interview, in your next commander meeting can you please suggest we hire a therapist/psychiatrist or ten? I know Marco and Wynter have some learning in that, but they’re always so busy with their other duties and some of our siblings desperately need the help.

- signed your favorite and INCREDIBLY concerned gossiper 3rd Lieutenant Communications Officer Basil June

_____

Interview #6 - 16th Division Commander Izou (Best Dressed)

Location: Stitching Room

16th Division Commander Izou: Did you know that it's almost impossible to get blood out of clothing made of platinum-spider silk? 

Interviewer Basil June: Uhm, no.

Izou: Neither did Ace I assume, and maybe that’s why he wore the specialty kimono I made for him for special occasions out on one of his little murder sprees.

Basil: Oof, yikes. Mai and Ai did mention that he wasn't very…tidy when he went out.

Izou: Basil June.

Basil: Yes, commander?

Izou: If I don’t get the blood out of this kimono, I will do something that Ace will regret.

Basil: Of course commander. I can ask Commander Haruta, or, no actually I’ll ask the nurse twins if they have anything that can help.

Izou: Please do. I would hate for us to be down a brother before he’d even been here a full year, but I digress. I heard from Haruta what you’ve been doing these past couple days so go on, ask your questions, Queen of Gossip.

Basil: Alright. I will do my best to distract you from the atrocity in your hands for a few minutes.

Izou: You’re a saint, truly.

Now thankfully at this time Commander Izou had his eyes locked onto the blood stained outfit in his hands and he couldn’t see how my hands were SHAKING right at this time. He looked hella calm, but I saw in his eyes that he was one more fashion disaster away from being an actual threat on Ace’s life. 

*Note to self: angry Izou vs bloodthirsty Rei who would win? Possible to organize a fight without casualties? Unlikely. Possibility of Rea winning against Izou? Low, but not zero, bring up with Haruta to discuss possible betting pool gains.

Basil: Commander Izou, I saved the best (and slightly more relevant) question for you: why haven't the commanders or Pops put a stop to Ace’s incredibly devious behavior? I mean look at all the casualties: The beautiful kimono you made specifically for Ace, the dozens of people who have been murdered in cold blood!

Izou: That is a phenomenal question that Pops would be best served answering, but unlike him I won’t pass on the responsibility on to my second in command and will instead give you an honest, albeit incredibly stupid, answer. The long and short of it is, we haven't had a new family member join us in over two years, and on top of that he’s the youngest person we’ve taken in in… 5 years? And the absolute youngest in the entire crew currently—

The interview was paused at this time as I had to bust my fucking gut laughing at what that implied.

Basil: You’re telling me the reason Ace is still killing, is because none of you have the balls to tell him to stop? Because he’s our wittle baby bwother ?

Izou: An annoying way to phrase it, but yes. I want to clarify that I was going to tell him to stop myself, but my beloved fellow commanders don't want to risk scaring him off since he’s only been here for half a year.

I gave him an understanding nod, that was definitely filled with sympathy and not pure amusement.

Basil: This crew is filled with a bunch of saps. Forget the ‘strongest crew on the seas’, I bet half our siblings would fold like an omelette if Ace even hinted he was mad at them.

Izou: Indeed. At the next meeting I’m going to inform everyone that something has to be done or everyone on this ship will be made aware of how upset I am and that Ace’s actions, while understandable, are not acceptable.

Basil: Not sure I understand how serial killing is ‘understandable’, but we do need to make sure our darling little brother knows that while we love and cherish him, murder is not an appropriate pastime. I think I'd even go as far as to say it's kind of toxic.

Izou: And messy.

He scowled at the kimono in his hands again something fierce and then shoved the garment into my hands. The look on his face said I was going to be welcome in the room for exactly 1 more minute before I would be forced into a fitting session that would last approximately 6 hours, only allow 1 bathroom break, and would end with me being covered in needle marks.

Izou: Take this. Ask the twins if they have anything to get the blood out, if they don’t then burn it. Or toss it into the sea.

Basil: Will do, I’ll take my leave then and get out of your hair.

Izou: Hmm, actually do you have some time before your next gossip session to help me finish a project?

Basil: Oh man, I would love to! It's just that I have to leave right this moment and I don’t like needles around my person. Bye!

_____

The pattern has been broken. Finally, a commander that hasn’t tried to punish me just for asking questions! Is this the beginning of a winning streak? Maybe the next commander I talk to will give me a prize!  He absolutely did not do that and if anyone asks, Commander Marco is my least fave commander and I will not be changing my mind. 

(Kidding! But he’s still pretty low on the favorite people list right now >:(  )

_____

Interview #7 - Head Nurse Wynter (is one incident away from being Serial Killer #2 (#3?))

Location: Clinic (the one starboard side next to Commander Namur’s storage where he keeps all the fishing supplies)

Note: Somehow there are people on the crew who still don’t know there are like three separate mini medbays around the ship where you can get general cuts and bruises patched up. To be fair, the Moby is a big ass ship, and the main medbay itself is pretty damn large so I guess I can see why you might miss the, in comparison, tiny clinics. 

Interviewer Basil June: So how do you feel about our Ace’s interesting little hobby?”

Head Nurse Wynter: Asked like a true gossip.

Basil: Thanks.

Wynter: That wasn't a compliment and I'll tell you what I told the commanders at the last meeting. They need to tell him to cut that shit out. The kind of people he's starting to kill is going to attract CP-0 faster than Haruta and Thatch can start a prank war.

A serious claim indeed.

Basil: And because unwarranted murder is wrong?

Wynter: We’re pirates.

Basil: A dozen people on the last island we stopped by went missing overnight.

Wynter: They had it coming.

Basil: They were civilians, non-combatants. What could they have possibly done to warrant being killed?

The head nurse became visibly annoyed, she shot me a glare and shifted in her seat.

Wynter: They had it coming .

Basil: But what did they do?

Wynter: Don't know, don't care, just be glad they weren’t nobles this time. If the commanders would just do their job and talk to Ace, he’d probably mellow out and stop getting the marines on our ass. 

She stopped talking and eyed me like she was trying to find the best angle to cut my eyes out with a scalpel. I scooted my chair backwards and tried to ignore the way the corners of her lips twitched.

Wynter: And like I said, we’re pirates, we do unsavory things.

Basil: The people on that island were fishermen and farmers. They are the epitome of normal everyday people. Just living their best lives, farming and fishing and then poof! One night passes and a chunk of them are gone, their bodies literally sleeping with the fishes.

Wynter: Sometimes bad things happen. We all have intrusive thoughts, sometimes we act on them.

Basil: Thirteen people are dead, Head Nurse.

Wynter: All we can do is help the people around us as best we can through their struggles. Ace just has some unusual struggles.

Basil: You. Are. Biased.

In an instant, Head Nurse Wynter snapped. She stood from her chair and glared down at me like an ice queen. Crystal blue eyes bore down into mine and I was helpless against her rising fury, her maternal rage. I was rooted to my seat in terror (and admiration. We love strong women.)

Wynter: Ace needs therapy. And a hug. And to stop pulling my girls away from their work when it comes time to clean up whatever mess he’s made when he’s done killing. 

Basil: I don't disagree, but I feel like you, the commanders, and the Mortis Nurses are severely undermining the whole serial killing thing—

Wynter: They had it coming.

Basil: But why??

She didn’t answer, the ice queen of the medbay waltzed away like the royalty she was. Cold eyes not sparing me a glance as she snatched up a stack of paperwork and left into the adjoining room that led to her office. Yet as she left, a distant look had adorned her face, thoughtful and yet annoyed. 

I was left alone with my thoughts and— wait a fucking second, she didn’t answer my original question!

Basil: Head Nurse— *loud bang*

Her office door slammed shut.

Basil: Dammit. Why is this family so bad at interviews?

_____

That interview, while mostly useless, was a good writing workout. I got to practice some imagery, a little emotive writing. Fun! But distracting, because the head nurse got away while I was trying to think of a good synonym for walk. …I think I will use the word ‘waltzed’ instead of walk. It fits with the whole ice queen vibe… 

_____

Interview #8 - 1st Division Commander Marco (perpetually tired) 

Location: Commander Marco’s Office

Interviewer Basil June: Thanks for agreeing to this commander— 

1st Division Commander Marco: Uh-huh. I actually had an idea; how about we make this little interview of yours more interesting: a question for a question.

Basil: Uh, that’s not really how this works—  

Marco: I wasn’t really asking-yoi. 

First impression on the 1st Division commander? Not great. He may give some of the best damn hugs, moral support, and advice on this ship, but he was clearly an awful guy.

Marco:  I’ll go first: did Haruta authorize this... project of yours?

Basil: …

Marco: …

Basil: What is authorization really, but one means to one end? At the end of the day it's the steps of the journey that matter, not the destination itself commander. 

Marco: That’s a long way to say no.

Basil: If it makes you feel better he assigned me his and your paperwork backlog for the rest of the week after I interviewed him.

Marco: I was going to tell you to stop out of respect for Ace’s privacy, but all of a sudden I'm inclined to let you continue-yoi.

Basil: Great! Let’s move onto my first question then.

Marco: Mh-hm.

Basil: So it’s safe to say you already know about Ace’s… hobby?

The commander rolled his eyes and crossed his legs. He had a tired look on his face that made me wonder if I should have let him continue back to his room for a nap and interviewed him later. Then I thought about the long week I had ahead of me doing his paperwork and any sympathy I had died a quick and brutal death.

Marco: Yes, I know Ace is a serial killer, it’s the worst kept secret in this family.

Basil: You don’t sound upset by it.

Marco: I’m used to it. This crew couldn't keep a secret for shit-yoi.

Basil: ...I meant about Ace being a serial killer.

Marco: Right. Well, obviously I wish he wouldn't kill people outside of self defense, and I've told him that, but— 

The commander made a thoughtful look here.

Marco: I honestly think it's more a habit than anything, the reason he keeps going-yoi.

Basil: Why do you say that?

Marco: The doctor in me wants to call it, a maladaptive coping mechanism due to his, well, some prominent parts of his past.

Basil: Nurse Mika called it ‘Daddy Issues’.

Marco scowled something furious at that and I admit that maybe I could have worded that better.

Marco: Nurse Mika is going to receive a very in depth course on patient confidentiality this week.

Oooh. Sorry Mika. Just for you I’m going to delete your interview’s recording. No evidence. Except for this part in my notes I guess.

Basil: She was just making a guess, she doesn't know anything concrete…

Marco: Regardless, she knows better-yoi. I’ve heard what you've asked the others, so how about I help move this along.

Basil: Oh, uh, sure. Go for it I guess.

No matter what anyone, least of all Commander Marco says later, I did not fucking sulk about him harshing the flow of my interview.

Marco: I’ll answer your questions backwards in the order you asked the others. 

Which was weird, but he was obviously going somewhere with this and I wasn't going to interrupt him so I just nodded.

Marco: I am concerned that Ace’s “little hobby” is going to hurt him in the future, but we, as in all leadership on the ship, have yet to address the issue with him directly because we’re worried that he may feel his position in our family is unsteady-yoi.

Basil: With all due respect, Ace is a murderer and I feel like that has more weight than you or anybody else has been giving it.

Marco: Bless you. 

Basil: I didn't sneeze? 

Marco: You’re welcome. Now, I first noticed Ace’s “hobby” about a month ago, when he started coming back to the ship smelling like blood-yoi. The very next day, when he made a second trip to the island we had stopped at at the time, I saw him come from the same direction a man was later found dead in which confirmed it for me.

Basil: Detective Commander Marco.

Marco: This has impacted me as a person, because now I have the fun task of finding a way to tell Ace that while he will always have a place here in the family, he needs to pick between professions: serial killer or pirate, and I never thought this would be a dilemma I would ever need to present to someone-yoi.

Basil: Kind of a once in a blue moon situation huh?

Marco: More like once in a lifetime. And lastly, you were the quote unquote “last person to know” because no one outside the commanders, Wynter, and the Mortis Nurses should have been aware of the situation, but, as I’ve said before, this crew can’t keep a secret for shit. Technically you’re still among the first of those in the know-yoi.

Basil: Hmm. Well thank you for being a buzzkill and telling me your view on the situation— 

Marco: A pleasure.

Basil: —but I do have another question for you. Why did you answer all my questions backwards in the order I asked them to the others?

Marco: It rounded out my spiel.

Basil: Huh, that’s true. It uh, yeah that did circle back to the very beginning of our conversation about the crew not being able to keep secrets. Very nice, good circular narrative pacing.

Marco: I live to serve, and to help my father avoid tough conversations with his children-yoi.

Basil: Speaking of which.

Marco: Yes, I will talk to Ace about his… activities. Eventually. I’m just taking my time so I can guilt trip Pops more effectively-yoi.

Basil: Ha! Have fun.

Marco: Oh I will. Now I believe you still have one more interview to conduct before you’re finished—

Basil: Actually, I was actually going to talk to a few more people—

Marco: No, the longer you go around doing this, the faster everyone finds out-yoi. I still need some time to actually talk with Ace, talk to Pops about Ace, and for Ace to talk to Pops since sadly enough I think our younger brother will have more courage bringing this up with our father first than the other way around.

Basil: Is Pops that worried about Ace leaving?

Marco: Specifically about Ace not feeling welcome in the family, yeah. He’d never let him actually leave-yoi.

Basil: This ship is filled with yanderes I swear.

Marco: Bless you.

Basil: I didn’t sneeze.

Marco: Remind me to have you do another set of interviews later for the crew when the majority of us are drunk. I feel like that would make a good party game-yoi.

Basil: Oh that does sound fun! And then people can read what they answered when they're sober later and we can tease them about all the stupid shit they said!

Marco: That’s a long way to say blackmail.

Basil: Oooh, I have so many ideas for what questions to ask… See you later commander, I gotta write these down!

Marco: Later Basil-yoi.

_____

So many questions so little time!

• What's the worst way the Commanders have punished you and what did you do?

• Most embarrassing date you’ve been on?

I think Haruta’s birthday is coming up soon, so we’ll all be plenty drunk, which means the perfect time to ask fun and embarrassing party questions! Yipee for blackmail collection!

*Note to self: DO NOT approach Marco last for an interview in the future. He will be a complete BUZZKILL and not let me ask the questions I want to ask. He also will ignore me on things that should not be ignored. Fucking “bless you”. Bless my ass commander Completely forgot Haruta was going to read this later scratch that. I love my commanders, yes sir. Yessiree.

_____

Interview #9 - 2nd Division Member Portgas D. Ace (Cereal Killer, ate it all at breakfast) 

Location: Ace’s Bedroom

Note: Did y'all really give this motherfucker his own bedroom? The way y’all baby this brat is disgusting. (I would’ve done the same, but still.)

Interviewer Basil June: You are a goddamn menace Ace, y’know that?

2nd Division Member Ace: I—

Basil: I have been dreaming about that chocolate swirl cereal for like the last two days. I could never have any because I work late and never woke up in time for breakfast, then I finally get a morning to sit down and eat in the mess hall for the first time in weeks and I find out your fatass has eaten the last of all the fucking cereal on the ship. I will literally never forgive you.

A half eaten bowl of cereal sat on the desk behind him mocking me.

Ace: Oh. Oh. You’re mad about— ok, uh, s— 

Basil: Yeah, I am. Now, let’s talk about you murdering countless innocent people.

Ace: —sorry—  what?

00:00:35 - Had to write the recording time stamp down because Ace’s voice got embarrassingly high-pitched here and I'm never going to let him live this down. Audio proof baby.

Basil: Sorry doesn't fix my cereal cravings Ace. Now let's talk murder. Actually, before that, let's talk about epithets. Why Prince of Pain? Did you choose that or…?

Ace: I—  wait. Who the hell is the Prince of Pain?”

Basil: Uh, you?

Ace: No?

Basil: Have you or have you not killed several dozen people in the past two months?

Ace: …No. I only kill people who deserve it.

Basil: The next time you practice that phrase in the mirror, try to make it sound less like you’re trying to convince yourself of what you’re saying.

Ace: …

Basil: …

Ace: I'm not doing this.

Basil: Wait! No, no, no, no, no, don’t leave! I’m sorry! Kind of. Listen, I don’t care if you're a serial killer, no one who knows cares.

Ace: Who else knows?!

Basil: Just me! And your Mortis Nurses, Pops and the commanders. …and why do I feel bad about this? You have not been subtle, like, at all with your kills. You literally killed people in front of some of them— actually a better question: Why do you care if the crew knows you’re a serial killer, cause it doesn’t seem like you've been trying to hide it? 

Ace: Yes I have! You guys are just… there; everywhere I go, one of you is somewhere I am.

Basil: Yeah, that’s fair. This is a bigass crew, but according to the others in the know, you killed folks like right in front of them and didn’t feel shy about it at all.

Ace: *sigh* Those were… accidents. I didn’t realize they were there. I tried to play it off—  

Basil: Play it off?

Ace: It didn’t work.

Basil: I am incredibly intrigued at how you reached the conclusion that you could play off murder.

Ace: And on top of that Thatch and Haruta threw up. It was gross.

Basil: Yeah that is pretty disgusting. I hate vomit.

Ace: *scoff* And they call me dramatic.

Basil: I mean, you definitely still are. Vomiting due to seeing someone's head getting split open is actually a pretty normal response.

Ace: I’ll take your word for it. The nurses, the ones that help me uh, clean up, they never seemed bothered by it.

Basil: Besides them, has anyone else who’s seen you murder had an adverse reaction?

Ace: … almost everyone else. 

Basil: And that didn’t tip you off that your nurses were the abnormal ones?

Ace: If the nurses can handle it, shouldn’t the commanders too?

Basil: A great question! And the answer is no apparently. 

Ace: So they can kick my ass no problem in a spar, sink ships, and blow up marine bases, but a little blood— 

Basil: Well, little is, uh, hmm. I don’t think that maybe little is a good word here. You stomped a guy's head in in front of Haruta. I wasn’t there, but I doubt there was only a ‘little’ blood.

Ace: It wasn’t that bad. It’s not like I was really going at it like in that tiny village we passed half a year ago— 

Basil: Tiny village… Oh my god did you wipe out—  Haruta mentioned at the time that an island under our jurisdiction sent us like a half dozen SOS signals through their emergency Den Dens, but when our scout group got there, the place was empty and the bodies were burning and oh my god that was you!

Ace! You asshole! They were one of our main rum suppliers. Commander Curiel and Pops were pissed for weeks after that! Also they didn’t deserve to die I guess. But the rum Ace!

Ace: Do you think that's why Pops smacked me around when he kidnapped me to join his crew that first month? He figured out it was me who hurt the rum supply?

Basil: Uh, no Ace. I think that was because of your consistent assassination attempts on his life.

Ace: Oh.

Basil: Do you often try to kill people who want to become your family?

Ace: …

Basil: I see. Moving on, why haven’t you come clean to the crew yet? I mean, all the commanders know, Pops knows, and none of them have punished you or gotten mad.

Ace: Two of them vomited.

Basil: Yeah, but they haven’t kicked you off the ship.

Ace: That’s— People always get mad eventually— for… obvious reasons I guess? I think it’s dumb, it’s not like everyone on the planet is important, most people are alive just to fill space, but they’re not actually real people. I just don’t want you all— 

Basil: You know we love you right?

Ace is so freaking cute. The way his head jerked toward me, eyes wide and surprised. He’s so stupidly, stinking cute.

Ace: … you do?

Basil: Yes, baby brother mine. We do. Most groups would not allow a prolific serial killer to remain in their crew y’know. But us with you? That’s love baby.

Ace: Oh.

Basil: Yeah. 

I let him sit on that one. Seas knows that this kid has the emotional bandwidth of a rock when it comes to himself and other people. Like yes, you dumb, smooth brained brother, the people who liked you so much they surprise adopted you do, in fact, love you, and someday you’ll actually believe it. 

*Note to self: delete this bit. The fam can’t know that I love them with the power of a thousand suns. They might call me a sap and say things like “oooh Basil June you loooove us!” embarrassing lol.

Basil: Listen, we all have flaws. Mine is that I’m better than most people, yours is that you kill people indiscriminately, and yet we’re all one big happy family, flaws and all. Speaking of flaws though, you uh, you mentioned that you think a lot of people who exist outside of us are just here to fill space. Can you elaborate on that? 

Unfortunately, at this crucial moment there was a knock on the door and Commander Marco stepped into the room.

1st Division Commander Marco: Ace, could you come with me? We need to chat. Basil, Haruta said to come find him so he could ask you some questions about your current project.

Basil: Commander, you truly are the worst at interviews. In every way.

Marco: Bless you-yoi.

Basil: I didn't sneeze!

Marco: You're not in trouble Ace, but it’s been half a year and we need to do a… we’ll call it a check in. See how you're doing, how you’re fitting in with the crew. You can let us know if there’s anything we can do to make you more comfortable-yoi. We can let you know that any… messy hobbies you may have are okay as long as they aren't hurting you or putting the crew in danger.

Basil: Wow, that was very heartwarming commander. Not pointed or unsubtle at all. Weirdly specific though.

Marco: Thanks. Ace-yoi?

Ace left with the commander a little hesitant and with a shy wave of goodbye at me. I waved back as I closed the door behind us. As soon as they turned the corner, I went back into Ace’s room and snatched the half eaten bowl of cereal Ace had left on his dresser. I don’t care that it's soggy and contaminated with fire child spit, I will have my chocolate swirl cereal dammit!

Final Notes:

Precious child that Ace, minus the murder.

To sum up this whole interview thing though: Ace has been nothing but a joy to have as a brother. He’s a firecracker (literally and personality wise), good with kids, charming as hell, phenomenal in a fight and a damn good person to be around. He’s just so easy to love and I really hope he comes to know that for himself someday. I know he will though, he’s got us, his family, to guide him.

That being said, we clearly need someone to guide us, because ain't no way we’re all just ignoring the fact that he kills at least one person on every island we pass by. Not stop at, PASS BY. How the hell is he getting off the ship and back on, in the sometimes single hour it takes for the island to not even be in view anymore?

Honestly, the sheer skill he has to consistently kill somebody is insane, I don't even see him leave the ship some days! I want to be disturbed, but at this point it's just impressive. We passed an island last week with no inhabitants and he still managed to kill someone there. Granted it was a stowaway that nobody had noticed, but still. Impressive.

End Report

*Note to self: at the next island we stop at to stock the kitchen, buy my own cereal and hide it so certain fire made individuals WON’T EAT THE WHOLE BAG IN A SINGLE SITTING. That has hands down been the worst part of this entire interviewing process. Fucks sake.

(still love you though Acey poo)