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I raise my plastic cup to my mouth, sipping on the room-temperature water. Ironic that I should choose to be a critic now, when I’m the one who dragged Aki to this party; but when I suggested we come together, I was envisioning actually being together.
Instead, he’s been summoned across the room, making pathetically cheerful conversation with his classmates who seem to be as surprised that he came as I am.
Him getting spotted here was not something that came up when I imagined the entirety of today in my head last night: me and Aki would arrive separately (check), steal unjust amounts of free food from the cafeteria (check), and then sneak off somewhere quiet together (unchecked). Preferably not inside the walls of my rival school, Suisha, which is hosting this joint-school gathering that somehow hasn’t broken out in a fist fight yet, but honestly? Anywhere with Aki is fine.
Anyway. We’d find a nice quiet spot outside, sit down with our unpaid-for packets of Doritos and (in my imagination, ice cold) water. Then, I could finally get the ridiculously massive crush that I harbour for him out in the open.
It’s odd. I usually wouldn’t hesitate to speak my mind, but every time I try to say it my throat closes up, and my heart beats uncomfortably fast. Probably my diet. The super-noodles and processed junk are finally catching up to me, and I’ll die of a heart attack at 16.
But not tonight. I don’t care if I have to cheat death, the second he’s free from his fan students or whoever the annoyingly loud people over there are, I’m dragging him out of that gymnasium door. And here he comes.
“What you got there?” My eyes flit down to the thin plastic cup clutched in his hand, and I take note of his swaying stance.
“Punch! It’s so awesome, apparently you have it in America, do you?? It tastes so weird!” He goes to take another unsteady swig, but I grab his wrist and gently take the cup from his hand, raising it to my face to sniff. Shit.
“Aki, this has alcohol- where did you even get this?”
He points to the other side of the room at nothing in particular, “They gave it to me”
I could be angry at him for getting himself into this situation, but I myself should’ve seen it coming. Maybe a fist fight hasn’t broken out, but our schools will always be trying to get at each other in some way. Of course they spiked the drinks. I glance around the dark hall, but everyone is engaged in conversation or drinking the (probably drug infused) punch.
I take Aki’s sleeve and start pulling him toward the exit. Step three, check. He’s drunk, but it’s checked none-the-less. Maybe I could sober him up enough for him to remember the gist of my words in the morning, but ultimately it won’t be today. It’s fine.
Sure, I’ve been ready for this for a week, but it doesn’t have to be today.
I find an empty space beneath the stairs; not that it took me long. Everywhere except the gymnasium is so eerily discarded, you’d think Suisha was a ghost school. Or maybe it’s always like this.
I sit him down against the wall as he mumbles something incoherent about punch, and slide down next to him, shoving a water bottle from my bag into his hand. “Drink this. It’ll make you more human.”
He chugs the water like he’s dying of thirst, and sets it down on the floor with a thud. As he hiccups loudly, I study his face and realise; I’ve never seen him this expressive. Or care-free. Or loud.
My head lolls against the hard wall, and I run my hand through my hair. I turn to him, to ask if he wants me to take him home - or maybe we could go to my house, he’ll be sober enough for a conversation in the morning - but I barely have time to blink before I feel a hand either side of my face.
And he leans in.
“Whoa” I lean back, gently pushing his wrists from my face, “Aki- we can’t.”
I watch guiltily as his hands sink to his lap, and he blinks hazily, embarrassment written clearly across his face. “…Why not..? You don’t” He hiccups, his hands clenching “want to?”
I offer him a reassuring smile, and I mean it. Because while these are the wrong circumstances, this can’t have come from nowhere, right? This means I have a chance? And hopefully, when he’s sober, he won’t forget this. Because I never will.
“It’s not that I don’t want to. You’re drunk.”
He pouts a little, but relaxes against the wall, “So..? I still.. want to..”
I smile and shake my head slightly, exasperated, “We can talk about it tomorrow, okay? You’re drunk, so we should go back to my place- woah, why are you crying??”
He hiccups again, shoulders rising and falling with the movement, the sound ripped out of him, “I really” He grabs the water bottle form the floor, and shoves it back at me “like.. you”
“Morning. Do you remember last night?” I kneel down next to his mattress as he groans sluggishly, waking up to his first hangover. And what should probably be his last, given the way he was acting last night. He props himself up on his elbows, and stares up at me hazily.
“…Last night… god, it’s so bright in here..” He murmurs, and I draw the curtains, handing him a glass of water before he can find anything else to complain about. He mutters his thanks and takes a sip.
I know it’s probably too earlier for me to be pushing this, but I need to know. So I try again; “Aki, do you remember last night?”
“No..” He finishes the water in three sips and sets the glass down, dragging the back of his hand across his mouth, “what happened?”
Of course he doesn’t remember. I don’t know why I expected him to. Neither of us said anything after what happened last night - I just took him to my apartment, and he passed out as soon as he hit the mattress - but I couldn’t help hoping that what he said - what he tried - wasn’t just a drunk mistake.
That hope is now shattered.
“Oh, okay. Uh- the punch got spiked.”
“Oh god. Did I do anything stupid?”
“…”
“…Harumi? What did I do..?”
“You tried to.. kiss me”
I watch his expression as he flushes red, eyes widening in surprise, but then I can see the exact moment everything comes back to him. He remembers. He actually remembers, and now I don’t have to pretend everything’s normal like I’ve been doing everyday for as many weeks as I can remember spending with him-
“Shit, Harumi, I’m so sorry, I wasn’t-“ He buries his face in his hands, but the colour of his ears are telling enough for the rest of him, “-did I make you uncomfortable?? I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking straight, I don’t know why I- did I say anything..? What did I say?”
It’s blatantly obvious that he does remember what he said, but I’ll play along if that’s what he wants.
“You said, um.. you like me” He lets out a muffled groan into his hands, “is that true?”
When he doesn’t answer, I pause, my hopes on hold. It was just a drunken mistake after all. Of course, I shouldn’t have even come close to believing anything he said in that state, but it still hurts like hell that I went and got my hopes up. For nothing. Weeks of fumbling over my words, walking myself in circles over how to- “Harumi? Did you hear me?”
“What?” I re-focus my eyes, meeting his that are free from the confinement of his shaking hands, now clasped feebly in his lap.
“I said it was true. I meant.. that.”
“You meant it? You like me?”
“Is that.. okay? I know you don’t. But I was going to tell you anyway. I was gonna do it yesterday, but I had no idea about the punch and.. I guess I got carried away anyway. I’m sorr-“
“You like me?” I ask again, because I need to confirm that my ears aren’t betraying me before I let my brain catch up. Heart, you aren’t safe yet. Stop trying to kill me.
He takes a deep breath - his chest rising and falling unsteadily - like he needs to prepare to repeat himself. Like he hasn’t already said the three words that will either make or break me, depending on his next answer. He opens his mouth. I hold my breath. “I really like you, Harumi”
My next words come instinctively, hesitation refusing to cross my mind for even a split second.
“I like you too”
“I like you too”