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Jawn is minding his own business, texting Awsten as he walks down the school hallway. He has been trying to find Awsten so they can drive home together, but he isn’t answering his phone. It’s Friday, and they’re supposed to be spending the weekend together at Awsten’s house, like they usually do.
They don’t really have any plans, except catching up on all the kisses they couldn’t give each other during the week. It sucks not being out so they take the time together that they can get. Weekends are theirs, Awsten’s bedroom a sacred place where they can be themselves.
It’s hard, it’s so hard being a secret, but it’s worth it to be together.
Awsten still isn’t answering. His phone can’t be dead because Jawn forced him to charge it last night. So he’s either distracted, lost his phone again, or deliberately ignoring Jawn’s texts.
It’s probably not the latter - Awsten has no reason to be mad at him right now. He probably got talking to someone and completely forgot he was supposed to be meeting Jawn at three.
The last place he knew Awsten to be was the band classroom, grabbing his guitar. He might still be there, if that’s where he got distracted. Jawn turns around and starts walking towards it. Even if Awsten isn’t there, someone else might know where he’s gone.
Jawn is minding his business so much, still looking down at his phone, that he doesn’t see another student - one of the guys that used to try and kick his head in behind the bike sheds - coming up behind him. Not until he’s pushed hard against the lockers and shoved to the ground. His wrist hits the concrete floor the hardest, a sharp jolt of pain going up his arm. He drops his phone and three of his bracelets snap, sending beads skittering away from him.
“Stupid emo faggot.” The bully laughs as they walk off.
With a groan, Jawn pushes himself up. He can barely see through his hair in his face and the tears in his eyes. No one stops to help him - a few people giggle as they pass on their way out of the school. His head pounds where it hit the metal locker. By the time he has his bearings back, the hallway is empty. He’s sitting on the cold hard floor, alone.
He fumbles around for his phone and finds it undamaged. At least the bully didn’t stamp on it this time - if Jawn breaks another one, his mom will kill him. It’s not his fault but he doesn’t want to explain to his parents that he’s still being bullied. They’ll contact the school about it, which will just make it worse.
As he’s trying to send another text to Awsten, he hears him yelling from the end of the hall.
“Jawn!” Awsten runs over and crouches down next to him. He’s panic-stricken, running his hands over Jawn’s arms as if checking for injuries. “Are you okay? What happened?”
“Guy shoved me.” Jawn sniffs. It’s only now that he realises he’s crying. “One who used to beat me up.”
“Jesus. Are you hurt?”
“Hit my head, landed on my arm.” Jawn holds it up, and realises which of his bracelets are missing. “Oh, I broke the one you made me.”
“Wh- oh, shit.” Awsten notices the beads scattered all over the floor. He takes Jawn’s hand and kisses his wrist. Then he starts trying to gather the beads up. “It’s okay, I might be able to fix it.”
“It doesn’t matter.” Jawn says, choked as his tears start to get to him. He feels like such an idiot for letting himself get jumped like that. “It’s my own fault.”
“No, it isn’t. Some dickhead attacked you for no reason. That’s their fault. You didn’t deserve it.” Awsten looks up and down the hallway and, seeing that the coast is clear, kisses Jawn quickly. A jolt of fear runs through Jawn, but he doesn’t push his boyfriend off. It’s… thrilling. “Come on, baby, let’s get you home.”
Awsten pulls Jawn up and leads him out of the school. The parking lot is empty by the time they get out there, apart from a few cars belonging to teachers. Jawn sits miserably in the passenger seat while Awsten drives them home.
The drive is silent except for Jawn sniffling occasionally. The pounding in his head has mostly subsided. His wrist still hurts, although he doubts it’s as serious as being broken. He didn’t land on it that hard. Despite all the times he’s been beaten up at school, he’s always managed to avoid being seriously injured. Maybe he just has strong bones. Maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal, if he isn’t really hurt.
Sometimes it feels like a dream, all those times he got attacked at school. The bullies didn’t get any consequences, the school never did anything about it, no one ever cared. Jawn isn’t even sure why he was picked on above anyone else, except that he was an easy target.
Nobody except Awsten, who always picked him up and cleaned his wounds and gave him a hug afterwards. Even when he risked getting beat up too, Awsten was always there for him. He’s still here now.
Awsten hums along to the radio while Jawn fiddles with his surviving bracelets. He keeps trying to touch the one Awsten made him, the one that comforts him the most when he’s anxious. But it’s gone. He broke it. He ruined everything.
Will that be the end of their relationship? They’ve had the bracelets since they first started dating. It’s one of the first gifts they gave each other. Jawn should have taken better care of it.
Once they’re safely in Awsten’s room, Jawn finally bursts into tears.
“Oh, honey.” Awsten pulls him into a hug. “You’re okay now, you’re safe.”
“Are you gonna break up with me?” Jawn sobs. His chest hurts - he can’t breathe.
Awsten puts his hands on either side of Jawn’s face, brow furrowed. “What? No, my love, of course not. Why would I do that?”
“I broke the bracelet you made me.” It sounds ridiculous when he says it out loud, but he’s so stressed out he can’t help it.
“Baby, come on. First off, it wasn’t your fault. Second, I don’t care about the bracelet as long as you’re okay.” Awsten wipes the tears from Jawn’s cheeks with his thumbs. “Third, I’m so in love with you that the idea of breaking up with you makes me feel physically sick.”
“Really?” Jawn whispers, pressing their foreheads together. He tries to steady his breathing and finds it easier in Awsten’s arms.
“Yes, baby. I love you, okay?”
“I love you too.” Jawn sighs. “Sorry for freaking out.”
“S’okay. How about you take a nap? You’ve had a bad day, it might help.” Awsten leads Jawn over to his bed.
“I wanna spend time with you.” Jawn insists, but he lays down anyway. He is very tired. Between school and the attack and crying, it all wore him out.
“I’ll be here when you wake up.” Awsten kisses him on the nose. “I’ll be here for the rest of your life.”
“Mm, okay.” Jawn agrees. “Wake me up in, like, an hour.”
“Sure.” Awsten kisses him one last time before pulling a blanket up over him. “Sleep well, sweetheart.”
Jawn settles down on Awsten’s bed. Despite it being too small for the two of them, it still feels empty without Awsten there too, pressed up against him, breathing against his neck. He can hear Awsten doing something at the other end of the room, but he doesn’t open his eyes to find out what. As long as he knows Awsten is still in the room, he can sleep soundly.
He wakes up in a daze, too hot, dehydrated and confused for a moment as to where he is. It’s dark outside now, the bedside lamp the only thing lighting the room. Who turned that on? There’s a glass of water on the nightstand, so Jawn downs half of it.
When his eyes finally focus, he sees Awsten sitting on the floor, facing away from him. The sight of his boyfriend still there calms Jawn down immediately. He slides off of the bed and crawls over to sit besides Awsten.
“What are you doing?” Jawn asks quietly as he leans his head on Awsten’s shoulder.
“Oh, hey. I fixed your bracelet.” Awsten holds up a black and red bead bracelet with a white letter A bead in the middle. It’s the same one, or at least the same beads - the A bead has a chip in it, the same as the old one. “And, uh, I made you a few more.”
Jawn looks at the pile of bracelets in front of Awsten, including the one in his hand. It’s a big pile - they’re all different colours, different patterns and combinations. Awsten’s bead box is mostly empty now.
“...how many more?”
“Um… I think I counted fifteen?” Awsten quickly counts them again. “No, sorry, seventeen.”
“You made me seventeen bracelets?” Jawn asks, staring at the pile.
“You seemed upset about the ones that got broken, so-” Awsten is cut off by Jawn tackling him to the ground and kissing him. When Jawn pulls away, Awsten giggles. “Oh, hi.”
“Hi.” Jawn says, breathless. He’s so in love with him that his chest starts to hurt again, in a good way this time. “You’re ridiculous. I love you.”
“I love you too.” Awsten wraps his arms around Jawn’s waist. “So, is seventeen bracelets enough?”
“I don’t think my arms are long enough for any more.”
“You don’t have to wear all of them at the same time.”
“Yes I do. You put all that effort in.” Jawn kisses him again.
“I didn’t really mean to? I sort of got focused on doing it and before I knew it I’d made a whole load of them. I even forgot to wake you up.” Awsten has the good grace to look apologetic, even though Jawn doesn’t really care that he didn’t get woken up on time. “Do you feel better after your nap, though?”
Jawn flexes his wrist - it doesn’t hurt anymore. His headache is gone and he’s not as upset about being pushed. It happens sometimes, especially to him. People don’t like him for seemingly no reason. Well, it’s because they think he’s gay, which he actually is now. But they don’t know for sure, and they hate him anyway. It’s unreasonable. He doesn’t understand it.
Maybe he’s just punchable.
“Yeah, I do. I always feel better when I’m with you.” Jawn collapses on top of Awsten.
Awsten holds him tighter. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there with you when you got pushed. Maybe if I was it wouldn’t have happened.”
“Or maybe that idiot would have pushed us both, or worse. It’s whatever, babe. We’re both fine now.” Jawn rests his head on Awsten’s shoulder. “He called me a slur. The gay one.” He refuses to repeat it.
“What? You didn’t tell me that.”
“I sort of forgot about it.” Jawn was more concerned with his physical injuries at the time. “I’m used to it, people call me it all the time, among other things.”
“Yeah, I get it too. I don’t know why.” Awsten looks genuinely puzzled.
Jawn raises his eyebrows at him. “Are you serious?”
“Yeah?”
“Have you ever looked in a mirror?”
“Rude. I don’t look gay.” Awsten insists. Jawn purses his lips as he tries not to laugh. “Do I really?”
“It’s the hair, I think. And the clothes.” Jawn giggles. “And, you know, hitting on me all the time.”
“I’m very subtle with my flirting.” Awsten thinks for a moment. “Most of the time. Maybe fifty-one percent, which is still most.”
“Maybe you should be subtler. It could get dangerous, if people think you aren’t joking.”
“I mean, mom and dad were okay about it. Maybe your parents will be too. School doesn’t really matter, we’ll be out of there soon.”
“You’ll be out sooner than me. Then I’ll have to do it all on my own for a year.” Jawn sighs. “Maybe I’ll just drop out when you graduate so I don’t get beaten to death.”
“Nope. Like my mom always says, even if you never do anything else with your life, get your diploma.” Awsten puts one hand on Jawn’s cheek. “You’ll be fine.”
“I’ll miss you all day.”
“I’ll pick you up every day after school so we can hang out. I’m gonna miss you too, you know.”
“This sucks.” Jawn mumbles. “I wish we could be together all the time.”
“One day, baby, we will.”