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“Other me, please watch where you’re going.” Yugi rubbed his head after narrowly avoiding the former spirit. Instead, he had hit himself on one of the ledges in the game shop.
He was glad Atem was getting used to being alive so well. The younger man jumped when Yugi gifted him his old music player, already abusing their computer to download music. Something had been so distracting that Atem had been in his own world all morning. Yugi was almost concerned.
Almost.
But he remembered what had been distracting everyone in Domino City the past week and he struggled to keep his patience in check. He could hear the music playing from the headphones when Atem pulled them out of his ears.
‘ Egyptian Mystery– I met you there, at the place. I knew that heavenly face.
Egyptian Mystery, not a care in the world. You go around, with long chains along your neck, stroking those gems and pearls.
Oh, you were my delivery. Our time was history. You made me feel love, and it was trickery. I fell for you and you made my life into misery—
I’ll never forget the time we had, whoa yeah—
My mystery.
Egyptian Mystery–
I am in misery…’
X was disgusted. Thankfully, Atem didn’t notice, as he was reveling in being treated with a song all about himself, as would have happened in his previous life of royalty and constant attention.
“Sorry, partner! Kaiba and I have plans for a duel later, and I have to be in the right mindset.” The mischievous expression the former monarch had meant Yugi would feel second hand embarrassment when he watched that match.
He was already embarrassed. The public mistook Atem multiple times now as Yugi, meaning that they thought Yugi was the one who enjoyed that awful music, too.
Yugi could endure Jounouchi’s boy band playlists. Anzu actually had really good taste in pop music, she would often tell Yugi about a new artist she found, just before that musician exploded. Yugi had no idea what to call the music Bakura listened to but it was perfectly fine when they were focusing on a game instead of hearing it.
Atem’s tastes were painful.
“Do I want to know why?”
He winked, “Let’s just say Kaiba’s good friend is giving me an edge. It’ll be fun, I promise! And don’t call out this time! Kaiba was pissed you ditched the last event.”
That meant two things; either Atem had no idea what was going on because he forgot Kaiba telling him, or Atem had no idea what was going on because Kaiba was genuinely making it a surprise.
It didn’t matter on Yugi’s end, though. Yugi would not be there. He refused. He was working on the new game for KaibaCorp, that project actually was fun, whereas this gave him heartburn.
He felt like he was dying watching from his phone how Kaiba introduced his new collaboration partner to the world. But there it was, in front of everyone. Seto Kaiba with his American collaborator and pop star, Taylor Swift. She was wearing a leotard meant to complement Kaiba’s Blue Eyes White Dragon Suit, covered in sparkling jewels for blue, white, and silver.
They had matching capes.
It was like the most insulting version of icing on this mortifyingly insulting cake. And they had matching capes . That was the part of the meeting where he started dissociating. If Kaiba was expecting Yugi and Atem to join, his mind was overworking itself to figure out an excuse if Kaiba ended up making it mandatory.
“Are you okay, partner?”
Yugi looked up at the ceiling. “My other self…You would never want to wear matching capes with someone, would you?”
Atem looked at him oddly, “Why are you saying it like that? You and I should be up there with the right outfits, too, but capes might not be the best here. They’re already doing it, we would have to be a contrast for us. I’d say you wear silver, and I do gold—-”
“Don’t finish that sentence, I have work to do.”
“Partner—-”
Yugi was running away, “I NEED TO BE ALONE!”
“It’s like everyone is losing their mind! Am I getting old? Or is it like with the new Pokemon games and no one is noticing how bad it is until someone speaks out?”
Jounouchi shrugged like a blonde. Yugi was glad he could rely on that friend to help him feel like he wasn’t completely insane. Honda was not helping, however.
“It’s fun. My sister likes her music, honestly it’s the only time she’s even letting me talk about Duel Monsters in our house.”
Yugi looked between them. Honda had a sister? Since when? Plot device family members…They come and go.
“You don’t even play…” Jounouchi rolled his eyes, grimacing. But then he remembered his plot device sister, whom he loved when the plot brought her back up. “But Shizuka likes her, too. It’s kicking my ass trying to get those card packs for her.”
“ This is what I mean! It’s a shameless ploy to get a specific demographic into the game! It should be the game itself that gets people involved. What is Kaiba thinking?”
Honda exhaled. He steepled his hands over the table, looking at Yugi seriously, “It could be quite possible…And hear me out.” Honda paused for dramatic effect, “He authentically likes her.”
“That snake! There’s no way, it’s got to be business only!” Jounouchi was disgusted.
“Look at the cards, man. There are the deck types that you can tell he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about. Those ones had thought and details put into it.” Honda pulled up his phone to show them, which was specific to him, so it would have a design that is Honda specific somehow.
“Why are you looking into this—”
“I HAVE A SISTER, TOO, ASSHOLE—” Honda cleared his throat, recentering himself, “But look. The art’s really good and the deck itself seems like it would actually be usable.”
“As if you’d know anything about deck building.” Jounouchi took Honda’s phone, “Oh damn, the trap cards are pretty good. ‘ Look What You Made Me Do ’, if your opponent does a counter trap, this card reverses the effect back on them and you can choose one monster on the enemy field to half their attack points. That monster also can’t attack for 3 turns.” Jounouchi looked between Honda and Yugi. “My sister might be able to kick my ass with that.”
“Everyone’s sister will be kicking duelists’ asses!” Honda took his phone back. “This isn’t just corporations being evil.”
“Hey, Yugi. Do you think after that event, you can swing some packs for me?” A reminder that Jounouchi is poor.
Yugi had pulled up the deck information for himself. He didn’t look into it that much, mostly because he wasn’t interested. But as the logistics of this partnership became worse, now he had another reason to panic.
The monster listing was killing him. ‘Anti-Hero’, ‘Skater Boy’, ‘the 1’, ‘The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived’, ‘The Black Dog’ ...
And there he was, ‘ The Egyptian Mystery’ . It should have given Yugi some reprieve that ‘ The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived’ was the same height as ‘ The Egyptian Mystery’ , but nothing made him feel good right now.
The trap cards were worse. The spell cards were awful. But it was as Honda said, that was an actually viable deck with solid support. He blanched once he saw the news. Yes, Seto Kaiba and Atem were having a duel. Yugi Mutou was to make an appearance as well.
“Don’t be a pair’s match, don’t be a pair’s match, don’t—” He was muttering under his breath.
When was Kaiba going to email him? Or was he going to appear at the game shop and threaten Yugi? Could Kaiba take away the game Yugi was working on if he refused?
The hours Yugi spent on so far…That presentation where he got the entire board of Kaiba Corp to agree. The time he spent writing the story, showing off the mechanics, all of it slipping away just because of a woman in a sparkling leotard—-
“Hey, Yugi? You in there, man?” Jounouchi waved his hand in front of Yugi’s face. “Earth ‘ta Yuge’–Wait sorry, I’m not Brooklyn voiced in Japan.”
Yugi stood up from the table. He thought he would be safe at Burger World. But to his horror, he saw children walking out of the sliding doors with their kiddy meals, pulling out toys from the Swift Saviors deck type.
“You okay, Yugi?”
“I’m going to be sick—” It didn’t matter if he was the King of Games.
It did not mean a Goddamn thing that he could beat both Kaiba and Atem in a duel. His victory felt like nothing right now if it meant the world was falling into this state. He rushed to the women’s room because 1) he was small, so they didn’t give him any issue and 2) it was a lot cleaner. He opened the first available stall and gagged. All that came out was spittle.
His body was shaking as bile came out eventually. He didn’t even get to enjoy his burger.
Yugi eased himself up once he felt stable enough. This madness needed to end. He had a basic idea on how he could fight back. Fine, Kaiba. Yugi would go to the event. But he couldn’t make Yugi pretend to endorse any of this.
Yugi returned to the table with his friends.
“You’re pale.” Honda blinked in a Honda manner. He looked grossed out, handing Yugi a napkin. “Uh…You got a lil—”
Yugi grabbed it aggressively, “I wonder how Anzu is doing. This event will probably get broadcasted in America.”
“Anzu’s a Swiftie, isn’t she?” Honda said in his Honda voice.
“HECK NO!!” Yugi didn’t mean to yell that loud. His friends flinching almost made him feel bad. “Anzu has taste! She only dances to good music! I’ve seen her performances.”
“Right…But hey, if you have this new connection now, you could help her make it big!”
“She wouldn’t accept that blood money…” Yugi muttered. “Okay. I need to strengthen my deck! I’m going to war.”
He shouldn’t have been surprised that when he returned, there was Kaiba’s limo waiting by the sidewalk. Yugi approached it confidently, his face was intense once Kaiba’s appeared after the window was rolled down.
“Atem can’t be trusted to keep a secret. You know why I’m here.”
Yugi nodded, “I won’t back away.”
Kaiba smirked, “That’s the right answer. This duel will prove once and for all who the—”
“I don’t care.” There was no time for a Kaiba monologue. “Tell me what the logistics are!”
Kaiba being amused was pissing him off.
“You’re finally speaking the same language as me, Yugi. Alright. A double’s match. You’ll support Atem—”
“I’m the smallest man on Earth.” Yugi grit his teeth. “And these small men are going to take you down, Kaiba kun.”
“Get over yourself! Obviously the King of Games wouldn’t be put in a shameful situation like that! No, for my rivals, this will be even better.” Kaiba exited the vehicle.
It was probably so he could wave his arms around as he spoke, a habit he and Atem did that if confined to enclosed spaces, would hurt themselves or others. Kaiba raised his hand into the air and pointed at the sky.
“The Egyptian Mystery will be accompanied by the King of Games! It has to be a set of Kings that I destroy!”
“And your partner?” Yugi knew the answer.
“Taylor Swift san will be the one duelist worthy of fighting next to me. You should be so lucky to face off with us!”
From inside the game shop, Yugi could hear Atem screaming in excitement.
Yugi did some off-screen deck building like he does in the anime. He was up all night putting in details and talking to Atem, who would go ‘Maybe that won’t be useful but what if I lie and say it is?’, to which Yugi ignored him. There was a lot of preparation to be done.
Atem was well-versed in the Swift Savior deck type, thankfully. He was wary of a ‘ One Sided-Goodbye ’, a magic card that could wreck Yugi’s toy box deck if it did [ insert thing that would counter Yugi’s deck here ]. That would be really bad.
“What do you think, partner? I feel that at this point, that’s all we can do.”
“I know…We can only prepare for her monsters so much without giving up an edge against Kaiba’s strategies.”
“He has strategies?”
“Summoning Blue Eyes White Dragon.”
Atem stared at his cards intensely. “Right…I’m going to give it my all.” Atem was staring at his cards. “For my friends, we will face Taylor Swift san with bravery, courage, and respect. We will accept this challenge from a true duelist—”
“I can’t do this, I’m leaving.” Yugi got up and left.
“What—But partner!! Hey, partner!” Atem dangled himself from the doorway. “But what about my big speech to our cards about how we’re going to be victorious?!”
Atem ducked when a pillow was thrown at him.
“There she is…” Honda said.
“There she is.” Jounouchi said.
“There is she.” Bakura bakura’d. "...Who is she again?"
Yugi appeared in a normal outfit. Atem could have his stupid cape, but Yugi had his dignity. Also, he would like to sleep with a woman one day, and if he did that, his odds would plummet into the negative. No, Yugi would appear as himself.
And it was true. There she is. Kaiba’s partner stood at his side, they had coordinated again. This variation of Blue Eyes White Dragon fashion was a dress, which combined with Kaiba’s Blue Eyes White Suit, made them look like the worst prom king and queen pairing.
“See, partner! Now we’re the ones who look stupid.”
Yugi ignored Atem. He didn’t need to be mean to Taylor Swift, she was just a celebrity that was promoting herself and her music. It wasn’t personal. Not like what Kaiba was doing.
Taylor Swift approached Yugi and introduced herself in a Taylor Swift way. I think she’d be nice to Yugi, he’s a good boy, he has a nice boy face, but then she starts talking like she’s best friends with Atem and Yugi decides he hates her. She laughs at Atem’s joke, Yugi now had to actively hate her.
“It’s time to duel…” Yugi took his position by Atem’s side. “I’m helping you because this madness needs to stop. Not because I’m approving of this.”
“Stop being such a buzzkill, partner! Some of us are having fun, we don’t need you pissing on our sarcophagus.” He looked at Taylor Swift, “Get it? Because I’m Egyptian and that’s—”
“We’re starting now.” Yugi activated his duel disk, which he totally was wearing this whole time.
Author’s note: hewwo, idk FUCK about dueling! I know ygo fans take their card games seriously, so i will not even try to bullshit my way into understanding this card game.
pretend there was a really intense duel like in the anime or something where there’s a lot of arm waving, yelling, Atem bluffs and forgets his own strategy, Yugi has a really cool, long term strategy that Atem pretends to have seen coming, and Taylor Swift is there.
“Seto, can we still win?” Taylor Swift turned towards Kaiba.
He dropped to his knees. Their life points had gone to zero. But Yugi wouldn’t bother telling her that victory was over. They had lost.
The Egyptian Mystery had won. Yugi smiled in triumph, “So there! Too bad, Kaiba!”
Kaiba…
Was crying.
"I am so sorry, Swift san...The old Seto Kaiba can't come to the phone. He is dead." He barely could lift his head when Taylor Swift went to comfort him. “I lost, Swift san…I thought I would unlock my true potential with your support. I’m sorry I failed you…I failed you and my Blue Eyes White Dragons. You, who was like the missing fourth Blue Eyes White Dragon that was lost long ago—”
“It’s alright, Kaiba! This means that we must sing the Egyptian Mystery’s theme song.”
Atem jumped to the front of the stage. “It is my time now.”
Yugi blinked, “Wait, but I did the finishing blow—”
“HIT IT, TAYLOR SWIFT!!”
The musician was given her music equipment by Kaiba’s hench men/grunt worker guys.
“Everyone! Sing along!”
‘ Mythology…Are the terms of a credit card….
The Gods…are the wink from a hummingbird.
I’m choking in shallow water, What are you, What am I, What we are, What I can, What–
You’re a mystery, oh…
An Egyptian man…
Who is a mystery, whoa…’
Yugi dropped his deck. He was done with card games for a while, he decided. He was going to go play Pokemon, never mind the fact that Scarlet sucked. He would play it anyway.
‘Egyptian Mystery– I met you there, at the place. I knew that heavenly face.’
Kaiba knew the lyrics. Him and Atem were right behind her. Yugi turned his back and left the build, all the while it echoed.
‘Egyptian Mystery, not a care in the world. You go around, with long chains along your neck, stroking those gems and pearls.
You rose up from the dead, you did it at just the right time!
You broke free from your tomb, just to give me your sublime—
Mystery.
It’s pain that hurts but it hurts so deep.
Egyptian Mystery.
You put me in misery…Our love was history…I am in misery…’
Yugi gave the Kaiba Corp Coliseum that they had been dueling at this entire time one last glance. He shook his head.
Pokemon. He was going to play Pokemon now.