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I slowly open my eyes, trying to make out my surroundings, it was difficult as the room was only lit by a single candle, but I started to recognise it. As my eyes adjusted, I could see that I had been laying on someone. My supporter had one arm laying across me, and his other hand was gently playing with my hair.My movement caused my supporter to slightly move and take his hand away from my hair.
“Handel? Are you awake my dear?” I recognised the voice at once, it was Herbert.
“H-Herbert? What happened?” I ask, trying to prop myself up.
“Ah, please don’t move so fast, you’ll injure yourself even more” he said, looking into my eyes. “You came into my room fairly late and blacked out, I think it may have been the alcohol from before, settling into your system. Anyway, I couldn’t move fast enough so you fell on the floor, It’s far too late to ring for the hospital, so I stayed up, to look after you.”
“Oh, I don’t remember that, but thank you… You didn’t have to…” I said, in amazement at how he was always so kind, this wasn’t the first time he had taken care of me, and it probably wouldn’t be the last.
“Handel, you know that there is no need to thank me, it’s what friends are for after all.” he smiled, and I smiled back. God, he was always so kind towards me. He would drop everything to help me, and didn’t care about staying up for hours on end to make sure I was safe. He had taught me so many important things, and I didn’t deserve to have such a wonderful friend.
There was a long, awkward silence, I think Herbert thought I had fallen asleep again, for he began to gently run his fingers over my shoulder and upper back. It was a nice sensation, and I wouldn’t mind staying like this, but then a thought crossed my mind. I hardly ever got drunk to the point of passing out, so I had probably been quite drunk that night, meaning I could have said anything.
“H-Herbert?” I gently said, he was surprised and immediately pulled his hand away from me. “Hmn? What’s the matter Handel?” He replied, just as gently as I had.
“Did I say anything strange last night? It’s not normal for me to get that drunk, but I must have got carried away… Sorry about that by the way.”
“Oh, it’s fine, I’m not used to it as such, but I can deal with it, and to answer your question, yes. You did say some things, but I don’t know if you’ll want to know…”
“Herbert, please tell me, I can’t remember anything, I need to know what I said.”
“You- You said that…” The colour in his face slightly drained. I slightly moved to see him better, although the light was very dim. “You said that you were in love with me, and that you had been for quite some time…” I could feel the colour drain from my face too; thousands of thoughts crossed my mind. Why had he stayed with me still? Why had he let me sleep on him? Even though he was the kindest person ever, I didn’t expect him to stay after I admitted that.
“Ah… T-thanks…” I said, rolling over and facing the wall. I would have got up and moved back to my room, but I had no strength. The atmosphere had gone from warm and happy to awkward. Silence filled the room for what felt like forever. I regretted saying it but in a way, it felt good to get it out. It was true, I was in Love with him. I had been for years, ever since we began to get close, I realised I had feelings for him. I had just covered it up with Estella. I still had a place for her in my heart but the feelings I had for her would never beat the feelings I had for Herbert.
“My dear Handel, Did you- Did you mean it?” the silence returned, I didn’t know what to say. “It doesn’t matter if you do, well I don’t think it does. It can’t be helped after all..” Even though I couldn’t see him, he was most likely giving me that caring smile he gave only me. The same one he had given to me when my Sister died, the same one he had given me when he nursed me when I had burnt my arm, the same one he had given me when I woke up in his lap after Orlick almost killed me.
“I-I-I did mean it…. Sorry… I can’t help it…” I finally said. I was fighting back tears, this could ruin everything. He said he didn’t mind but I couldn’t shake the feeling that he did, and he was just being kind.
“I know you can’t help it, my dear. I’m happy you’ve been honest, it takes a lot, I’ve had to do it-” he stopped mid sentence, taking back what he said. I turned to face him, our eyes met for a couple of seconds, he looked away before continuing. “I’ve had to do it before… to Clara, to my Dad… They were both supportive of me but It’s so difficult, and I’m so proud of you, being honest to me.” he smiled at me, and I smiled back, before his words properly processed.
“Wait… What do you mean? You’re the same? But what about Clara?” I was so confused, I was getting mixed signals from him. He looked away, possibly thinking of an explanation.
“Y-yes, I am. Clara is simply a cover story, I thought you knew, You’re smart. I just thought you’d have known…” his voice was almost a whisper, as if he was embarrassed.
“My dear Herbert, it’s fine. I didn’t know, but I’m glad it’s not just me going through this.” I told him, gently putting my hand on top of his. He looked surprised, but didn’t pull his hand away.
“I that case, there’s something I want to tell you.” We caught each other’s gaze, he took a deep breath and continued speaking. “I’m in love with you. That’s why I wanted to know of you really meant it. I’ve loved you for years, I’ve wanted to tell you but I didn’t know what you’d think…”
I forced myself into a sitting position and pulled him into a warm embrace.
“Herbert dearest, You know I love you, but I’m sober now, so I’ll say it again. I’m in love with you, and you mean the world to me. I’ve loved you for the majority of our time together, but I didn’t know what you’d think of me, and I would hate to lose you. You’re my best friend, and I’m so grateful for that.” I lay my head on his shoulder, and he brought one hand up to my head, where he gently played with my hair, and he wrapped his other arm around my waist.
“You mean the world to me too, My Dear.” he moved his head slightly and placed a soft kiss on my cheek. He’d kissed my cheek before, but it never meant anything. (I did like it, but I was planning on never admitting to him that I did.) This kiss was different, it was warm, it was with meaning, it was special. A light blush dusted my cheeks, and I lifted my head from his shoulder. Our eyes met, and even with the dim light of the candle, he looked perfect. I took his hand and brought it to my lips, then kissed it, before I entwined our fingers. We sat there, just talking and smiling for a short while, it wasn’t much, but it was perfect.
I’d be happy if the rest of my life was spent here, just me and Herbert. It was in that moment that I realised that money wasn’t the key to happiness. I was lucky to have been able to move to London (and without moving, I’d have never met Herbert again). I was lucky to have been taught how to be a Gentleman, but that wasn’t the key to happiness. The true key to happiness was love. That's why Joe and Biddy were so happy. That’s why Herbert was so happy. Of course I had been happy, but I was usually significantly happier with Herbert, and right now, I was the happiest I had been in years. Thinking of this, I couldn’t stop a smile forming on my face. I smiled and took Herbert’s other hand in my own, gently squeezing it. He smiled back, with a smile that I had never seen him give anyone. It was loving, and suited him so well that I untangled our hands and pulled him in for a kiss. He was surprised at first, but kissed me back nonetheless. His lips were soft, and I was so glad I finally got to kiss them. This was the first of many kisses, but it was special. As we broke the kiss, we both slightly laughed. I could tell that starting now, I was going to be happy. As long as we kept our relationship to ourselves, we would be safe and everything would be perfect. It was like a dream.
“Herbert, I love you so much. Please never forget that”
“I love you so much too, Handel, and I’ll never forget if you never forget how much I love you”
“Of course I won’t. I’ll never forget.”
“Then I’ll never forget either”
Herbert leant over and kissed my forehead, before kissing my lips. I wasn’t expecting him to do that, so I lost my balance slightly and fell backwards. We both giggled at my sudden movement, and Herbert leant forwards and kissed me again, then took my hand in his and asked me to stay with him here for the rest of the night. I nodded, smiling.
“That would be wonderful, thank you, Herbert dearest.”
“There’s no need to thank me, Handel.” He replied, smiling. Outside, the clock chimed in the hour. It was 4 AM. “Oh, perhaps we should try and get some sleep. It’s later than I expected…” I nodded in agreement.
“Oh but Herbert, It is impossible for me to sleep when I’m in your company. You are just far too handsome. You’ll keep me awake!” A deep blush formed on his face.
“Handel!!! You can’t say that!! Besides, it’s not true! You’re the handsome one!”
“But I just did say it! You know I’m speaking the truth anyway, dearest.”
I laid down on the spare pillow, pulling the sheets over me. He shook his head slightly, before following me and laying next to me, facing me. I turned to face him too, and we both smiled. Everything was calm and perfect. Herbert quickly rolled over to blow the candle out, before returning to where he was before. I shuffled closer to him and took his hand in mine. “Herbert, you’ve been up all night. Please get some sleep. I’m fine, you know that I am.” he let out a contented sigh.
“I’ll try, but you need to properly sleep. We don’t need to do anything tomorrow, so we can stay in bed if you want, but you still need rest.”
“Mmm, that sounds nice… I’ll get some rest too then.” I smiled, before closing my eyes. Falling asleep wasn’t difficult, the bed was warm and smelt nice. The only noise in the room was the sound of our breathing. I drifted off into a peaceful sleep. Warmth surrounded my body. I was happy. Herbert was happy. Nothing could be better.