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Finally, this excruciatingly long day is over. Mayoi went into his dormitory, locking the door behind him. Luckily Tomoya hadn't come back yet, he must have been with the Ra*bits or somewhere else, but it didn't matter.
The purple-haired man plopped down on the bed and before he could relax, hot tears began to pour from his eyes. It was unbearable, and after a few seconds he was already sobbing, trying to suppress all the sounds, there was not enough air in his lungs, and Mayoi felt like a fish on land, trying to grab at least some remnants of water. It hurts.
This day was no different from any other. Went to school in the morning, if you could call it that, because as usual he hid from others and tried not to draw any attention to himself. After finishing the class, he had a meeting with ALKALOID at training, because soon they were scheduled to perform at one of the festivals. But everything went awry somewhere towards the end of the practice itself when an unexpected anxiety attacked him. In one short moment, he became so scared, panic gripped his whole body, which almost made him fall during the dance. He didn't even understand the reason, because he wasn't thinking about anything and was only focused on doing the movements correctly. The music finally stopped, leaning his hands on his knees, the boy tried to hold his breath and with all his strength not to show his face, because he didn't want the other comrades in the unit to notice that something had happened, but...
"Maoyoi-san are you okay? You look so pale, maybe we need take a break?". Mayoi looked up and saw Tatsumi's worried face in front of him, his gaze sharpened as if he was trying to study something.
"Y-yes everything is fine... I'm sorry to make you worry, but everything is all right!! There's no need to take a break because of someone like me, especially since there's still a little time left before the end," Mayoi extremely quickly all in one breath spoke through his experiences, but it seemed to work and others agreed with him and continued on.
After finishing, he quickly gathered all his things, said goodbye to his friends and, holding back his tears, went to the dormitory.
And here he is lying on the very edge of his bed with his arms around his legs and trying to stifle his whimpers. Thousands of thoughts occupied him, because of which his head swelled and began to hurt. He remembered the last few days and all those moments when he had been acting strange. Why does such an obscure being like him still exist? Why are the people around him so nice and friendly to him, he's just a piece of shit who accidentally got into this clean and flawless world. His presence only tarnishes everyone around him. So why? Ain absolutely doesn't deserve this, anyone but him.
Preoccupied with his thoughts, Mayoi probably didn't notice how he almost fell off the bed. Getting up to move back a little, he accidentally caught his own image in the mirror out of the corner of his eye, and a new wave of emotions seized him even more.
"Disgusting as ever," the thought now took root in his mind and began to seep through him. Turning over to the other side, he hugged the pillow even tighter and started biting his fingers.
How did such a trash become an idol? He only destroys the image of ALKALOID with his presence on stage, interviews or in other places where they gathered together for work. Perhaps it was necessary to continue to sit underground and hide from everyone until the end of his days. Yes. It sounds much more logical and suits his personality…
Something hot ran down his finger and it wasn't tears. Was it blood? Yes it is. Obscured by all the negative thoughts, Mayoi didn't even notice that he had accidentally bitten himself so hard that he bit his skin. This brought him to his senses a little and it seems that the flow of reasoning stopped a little, but immediately he remembered something.
"What difference does it make how I look, right? Nobody likes this distorted and ugly body, neither me nor others..."
So Mayoi is already sitting on the bed with a cutter in his hands. Several months of remission and for what?
It happened more than once, when he just sat and held this thing in front of him, muttering that today, everything will work out now, but doing nothing and put it back in the drawer. He promised himself that he would stop harming himself for the sake of being an idol... But does it matter when he feels so helpless that he just wants to disappear and that no one knows anything about him. Today is one of those days again.
Although the tears subsided little by little, his hands were shaking, his heart was pounding and his breathing became heavy. Was he afraid..? So he is, afraid of what would happen next, what if he couldn't stop and return to where it all started.
"It's just a few cuts, once in a while you'll be fine you deserve it. that's the only thing you deserve to be mutilated like an old junk toy." Tears came to his eyes again and were already dripping down his bare thighs.
Trembling, he brought the cutter to his skin, where the pink scars from his past efforts showed. It will be a long time before they turn completely white, and meanwhile, holding his breath, Mayoi jerked his hand sharply and again, and again, and several more times, and so new cuts appeared on his leg, from which blood began to collect in drops, not being contained in one place and spreading along the leg. The last cut was stronger than the others, as a result of which blood immediately began to ooze from the wound, which meant that the clotting would be longer and several tissues simply could not cope.
At the same moment, some small relief hit him and Mayoi breathed out, looking at his thighs, but it didn't seem enough to him. This is not enough. More is needed. To become truly satisfied with himself, he had to destroy himself more.
Oh dear God, he knew it would end like this. He broke down after so many months, and now he is trying to fight with himself again so as not to do more harm.
"I am so worthless... Ah really..." saying this with a tortured smile on his face, he silently bowed and continued to cry. There was not even strength left to invent new words to himself.
A minute passed, maybe more, when Mayoi heard someone's steps in the corridor. Is Tomoya back already? Or maybe it was just one of the neighbors passing by? But at the same second he was overcome by a frantic panic. if it's Tomoya, things are bad, something needs to be done as soon as possible so that his roommate doesn't notice anything. Good thing the door was locked, it would give a few seconds to escape, but what exactly to do...? That's right, the bathroom. He can go there and Mayoi will deal with everything there.
Footsteps stopped at the door of their dormitory and the purple-haired boy was about to run to his hiding place, but he heard a knock on the door.
"Maoyoi-san? Are you in the room?"
Tatsumi-san?? But what is he doing here? Well, on the other hand, it's a good thing it's not Tomoya, because at least Tatsumi doesn't have room keys and can keep him out while trying to get him out somehow. There was no way Tatsumi should have seen the state Mayoi was in right now. If it was possible to hide his legs by stuffing more tissues into his pants, then his red eyes, swollen from crying, and his snotty nose couldn't be, then it would be immediately clear that something was wrong with him. Oh, he wished he could pretend to be asleep, but the light was on in the room, which meant someone was there, if not Mayoi, then Tomoya, who would politely invite Tatsumi inside.
"Tatsumi-san..? What are you doing here?" Mayoi tried to say as calmly as possible so that his voice wouldn't sound so trembling after all that had happened.
"I thought something happened to you at practice today. You packed up and left so quickly after it was over that we didn't have time to discuss anything. Oh sorry, maybe it's just my imagination because you've always been like that but I just wanted to check if everything okay. And if you'd like, can I come over to you." A young man was standing outside the door, and Mayo's heart sank, what should he do?? If only his friend had arrived a few minutes earlier, or Mayoi had sat for a few more minutes, thinking about what to do, he might not have done anything to himself. He would not sit again and hate himself for what he had done, but now it is only him and his friend who are separated by a few meters and a door.
"Mayoi-san? can you hear me, are you all right?", this time there was some concern in the boy's voice and it sounded louder.
"It-it's okay, there's nothing to worry about, I'm just very tired today, so I decided to lie down for a while." Oh, how he would like to tell what really happened, but fear is much stronger than this desire, and he will never allow anyone to find out what is really happening. "I, I'm sorry you came all this way to my room, but it's really good I need to rest and I'll feel better."
"Are you sure? Your voice is shaking so much that I have completely different suspicions. If you don't want to tell me, I'll understand and I won't push, but can I at least check in on you to see if everything is okay?"
What
As soon as it seemed to him that he began to calm down a little, after these words, a great surge of panic overtook him again. It seems that he is completely frozen and cannot move, his body has cooled down, and a lump was getting to the trachea that began to squeeze his throat. Did he know? Why did he want to see him so badly then right now at this second when Mayoi didn't want to see anyone at all. Why can't he just disappear with the snap of fingers?
"NO! I mean no, really, I'm fine Tatsumi-san, please no need, I have a headache and I just want to sleep, so you don't need to be embarrassed by a creature like me, so please go to yourself. A-ah, tomorrow we'll still see each other again at training." Mayoi just prayed in his mind that it would work and his friend would finally go home, because he couldn't stand one more attempt to refuse...
And Tatsumi seems to have understood that it would hardly make sense to inquire further. He sees that Mayoi is clearly hiding something, if he is trying so bluntly to push him away and not to let him in, and not to break down his door to find out what exactly?
"Okay, if you say so, I understand. We all have days when we want to be alone and I totally support you. But if something happens, you can always text me and I'll try to help. Good night Mayoi-san, I hope , tomorrow will be better." With these words, he left until the footsteps became completely inaudible. Mayoi didn't even have time to say goodbye, so he took out his phone to thank him and wish him good dreams as well.
"Oh, how worthless..." , the heart was pounding, not stopping for a moment, so much that he wanted to vomit. He had never felt so helpless as he did now. If he opened the door to Tatsumi, what would happen next? Would he accept it if he saw how ugly the Mayoi was? No, hardly. No one wants to deal with such a monster, and Tatsumi is no exception. Such a holy and pure person will definitely look down on him and consider him dirt that needs to be cleaned from this world.
"Yes. That's how everything will be", but this thought at the same time scared him so much. He wanted to believe somewhere deep inside himself that this is not true, because if Tatsumi, the first and only one from his entire environment, who didn't judge Mayoi and tried to encourage him, will now look at him like the others with disgust on his face, then the purple-haired boy probably will not bear it.
"If only I could disappear from this world..."