Chapter Text
Two years ago, Dain Aetos had had the certainty that he was doing the right thing. That he was about to defend Navarre. To fight the good fight. Alongside the most awesome dragon ever. He had had the anticipation of Violet's arrival at the Scribe Quadrant. His father's approval. The easy camaraderie of the newly formed squad. Everything.
“You’re too eager to cling to what you see as the end of a very dark period of losses, blood and grief, Worthy One,” Cath warned more than once but Dain was good at not listening. Not at things he didn’t want to hear.
Listening to Cath was usually his best bet but Dain didn’t know it then. He only realized it later.
His life in Aretia was full of regrets but only for the things he had done before. Never for coming here.
Now, he had Liam and Soleil's deaths on his conscience, let alone those unknown civilians as Resson. The realization that his father was a liar and a murderer. That his entire life had been spent in the colourful mist of a lie hiding the true ugliness beyond. He got Violet's silence. The distance of everyone around, for even those who weren't repulsed by what he had done were scared of him catching a memory of theirs out of thin air. Of course, a human touch was impossible - literally. Dain couldn’t blame them – in their place, he wouldn’t want to risk a touch from himself either.
“You are making it even more impossible with every hour you spend here with me, instead of them,” Cath said and this long into the bond, Dain knew that his dragon was right but he couldn’t find the energy to do otherwise. With working on the diary with Violet, his duties as wingleader and let’s not forget his own studies and practice, he didn’t have almost any free time and honestly, he felt better with Cath than with people who judged him and found him lacking. As lacking as he was. He’d do it… later.
“If you don’t do it anytime soon, I’ll have to drop you in the courtyard of Riorson House myself,” Cath said angrily but never turned his words to deeds.
Well, Dain still had the most awesome dragon ever, a tail wrapped around him whenever he felt particularly castdown. He was still fighting the good fight. He was, finally, doing the right thing. And it was enough. It had to be.
It was more than he deserved anyway.
And if he got a glimpse of someone who was impossible for him to have - well, that was more than he deserved as well.
He really didn't deserve the reminder that he was young. That he was overcoming things and loves.
But he was glad he had it.
“Do you have to?” Cath would sigh impatiently. “Worthy One, from Tairn’s rider to this? At least you had a chance with the lightning wielder once. With her, you have none.”
“Tell me something I don’t know. Like, why you aren’t as displeased as you’re trying to sound.”
Naturally, Cath would choose this moment to close the door on the connection. Dain got it. He’d have to work it out himself.
It wasn’t love. It was definitely sexual desire – on his part. Since the very moment he had seen her, although he had done his best to hide it from himself. But not only this. He remembered a hunting trip with the royal court many years ago. His first one. Cam had convinced his father to take him along and of course, they had gotten separated from the prince’s guards. Not a single one when the bear came, near sunset. It was terrifying. And it was majestic. Dain remembered how he and the younger boy had fought that powerful desire to come close, bury their hands into that magnificent pale brown coat. Did this girl who was out of his reach for many reasons, the girl who would never, could never look at him with the eyes of desire hold the same magical pull? Did such power really exist at all? He had never read about such a thing in all the books he had devoured with Violet.
Gods, he was young enough that his body reacted just at the idea of this, of drawing a hand along skin that looked softer than the silks of court ladies. He groaned. He’d either have to go find someone willing soon or take care of the situation personally. Preferably before Violet realized something was out of order. He pushed his chair back, muttered some excuse and strode out of the library. In his head, Cath laughed softly.
“Alive,” he decided to enlighten him. “That’s why I don’t mind your stupidity this much. She makes you feel alive.”
And that was still something.
Feeling alive and living a life not based on a lie.
Indeed, that was everything.
The End