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“Klark." The familiar clicking of her name echoes from outside her tent, sending shivers down her spine. How long she has dreamed of hearing Niylah say her name again, to just hear her partner's voice after being separated by Praimfaya. How when they were repelling people out of the bunker, Niylah was the one person she sought after making sure she was alive before allowing herself to finally relax after six years of worrying. “Klark, are you awake?” Niylah asks somewhat hesitantly.
The sound of it caused Clarke to sit up to reassure her. “Yeah.” She answers and watches in awe as Niylah crawls into their tent. Shushing her before they could disrupt Maddie. “Maddie’s sleeping.” A part of her wants to wake Maddie up. Her young Natblida has been desperate to meet Niylah over the years. Even more then meeting Octavia Raven and Bellamy. The people she looked up to and adored. But Clarke knows Maddie wished to meet Niylah first because of her relationship with her. To Maddie meeting Niylah was like meeting family.
When she first arrived at the camp Maddie almost tried to dart off to seek out Niylah wanting to make a good impression. But Clarke managed to hold her back claiming Niylah was busy helping those injured and they could meet later. They have all the time in the world after all.
Or so she said. In truth, she has been anxiously anticipating reuniting with her lover. Excitement, joy and relief burned through her system demanding she seek the older woman out to reaffirm that knowledge that is she alive. That she is safe and well.
But also, the dread of having a good idea of what will happen during said meeting. The way others have acted since their escape from the bunker paints a pretty visual image of what has gone on down there. Not that anyone is talking about. Always avoiding the questions. The very clear number of survivors being so much lower than there should have been helping to fill in some of the blanks.
Something tells her she would be better off not knowing what truly took place down there. But she has to know. Has to understand.
And she gets the feeling knowing will change a lot of things for her going forward. Everything already feels so different. It all feels so wrong. Like everywhere is being haunted by a darkness that feeds and festers causing more strife and unrest among the survivors.
Yet with Niylah sitting in front of her radiating the same calm, joyful yet nervous energy as normal, she wonders if maybe she was wrong in her initial thoughts. That not everything is so different. Niylah is the same. It’s been only a brief encounter but she doesn’t hold the same uneasy feeling as she does among her former friends.
Then again Niylah was never her friend. She was always something so much more. And she doubts there is very little that could make her change her opinion on the woman who saved her more times than anyone will ever be able to comprehend.
Clarke takes a moment to just bask in Niylah’s presence. Savouring the moment ingrainng the way her lover shyly smiles at her. How she thought she might never see that smile again. See Niylah again. She tried to draw her so many times. To capture her beauty and essence so she could never forget. So, Maddie could understand who she was.
But nothing she drew ever came close to the sight of just how exquisite Niylah truly is. “Am I crazy or are you avoiding.” A melancholy amusement filtered through Niylah’s voice. Not an accusation just a fact. One that they both know. Yet one Niylah doesn’t understand and is letting Clarke explain.
“No.” She admits hating every second of this as well as loving it. All she wants to do is dive across the small space between them and wrap Niylah in her arms refusing to ever let go again. But she can’t. Not until she knows where she and Niylah now stand with each other. “I’m sorry... It’s just... Everything’s so different.”
Understanding passes through Niylah’s features. The older blonde has always been surprisingly well tuned to Clarke’s thoughts and feelings. More so then almost anyone. A fact that used to scare her at the beginning of their friendship and then their relationship. But something she grew to find solace in.
Niylah became the one person she could be truly open with about everything without feeling the fear of being attacked. The one person she felt safe enough to let her mask slip away with. The overwhelming pressure to protect everyone from the death wave but not really listening to what she wanted. Always following what was needed.
She remembers when Raven kept pressuring her to make that damn list. The list of the people from the ark who would get to survive should all else fail. She never wanted to write the thing. To have that much power and play God deciding who lives and who dies. But everyone who knew about it insisted she write it. That she had to be the one to do it.
She remembers seeing Niylah come back from hunting offering her that damn one sided smile. The one that makes her stomach twist and heart speed up. Niylah looked at her like that and Clarke knew she had found her first name. If she has the power to save anyone it would be Niylah. The woman who was working and helping with the people who murdered her father just because they needed help.
A few nights later as they lay in bed together, she had broken down and confessed about the list. She never told Niylah she was on it but just that a list was being created. That she was creating a list of those who would get to live. The weight of everything becoming too much and she broke down in Niylah’s arms. The older woman just pulled her closer nuzzling into her neck and whispered calming and soothing words. Telling her over and over again that she was doing what she had to. That she wasn’t the monstrous person she believed herself to be because of it.
During that time Niylah never asked who was on the list. Never tried to get her own name on it. That isn't the type of person she is.
“Not so different,” Niylah replies softly revealing the small statue of the panther she killed the first time they laid together. The figurine brings a smile to her lips at the memory. Back when she was so lost in her own darkness and drowning in her guilt Niylah was the only person she was willing to be around. The one person she trusted enough.
Of course, it wasn’t right away. It took three months before she felt like she could fully let her guard down around Niylah. Three months she probably wouldn’t have made it through the winter if it wasn’t for Niylah’s intervention. The woman giving her free supplies in order to survive and telling her about her trading outpost should she need anything else.
Before being able to kill the panther her best kills were the odd deer. Those were the ones she needed help with skinning and portioning out the meat. A single deer was too much meat for her to hold on to. And without the ability to smoke it, she would have been wasting most of it. Thus, she took it to Niylah. She mostly lived off smaller things. Birds, squirrels, rabbits things like that.
Accepting the miniature panther Clarke brushes over it lovingly sending a small nervous smile to Niylah at the sweet gesture. Maybe Niylah is right. Maybe not everything is different. “You saved our lives again,” Niylah adds on. “Thank you by the way.”
A small chuckle follows. She isn’t the one that Niylah should be thanking right now. “That wasn’t me. That was Bellamy.” Her gaze drifts back over to a sleeping Maddie. “I was ready to go to war to protect her.”
A truthful statement. She has always been against war. Hated every aspect of it but put herself in the position to lead people through it. Took on that burden and tried her best to make it through each time with as many people as she could.
The ever-foreboding thoughts of her own failures haunt her each and every night reminding her that she wasn’t enough. Octivia’s words always ringing the loudest in her head. That her best wasn’t good enough. Her mistakes cost people their lives. Time and time again people died because of her and each time it felt like she was losing more and more of herself in the aftermath.
She knows her friends hated her for leaving during those three months after the mountain. That they needed her. A fact they all seemed all too keen to remind her of at almost every encounter they had. But what none of them cared about was the fact that they might have needed her, but she needed to be away from them. She needed time to think and try to find who she was on the ground. To deal with the painstaking guilt that made her want to put a bullet through her head on more than one occasion.
Six years of relative peace gave her a lot of time to work through a lot of her trauma. To deal with everything that happened. She is still very much aware she is very screwed up still. But the peace was good. She enjoyed it. For the first time in years, it felt like she could breathe a little easier. The weight on her shoulders has lessened.
She wishes Niylah could have seen her during those times. The Trikru woman has only really knows her when war and death were looming. War with herself, with the other clans, with Praimfaya. Niylah has always been a peaceful person. She thinks Niylah would have enjoyed the three of them being at peace.
But now they have found each other again they are once against thrust into another impending war. One that could destroy them all for good this time. At least this time she isn’t the leader. She might actually sit this one out and let others do the job for a change. No doubt she will get dragged into it at some point but for now she is staying out of Octavia’s way.
Niylah’s eyes soften at her remark. “Looks like we both found new families.” She guesses they have. But Niylah will always be a part of her family. A fact she clarifies reaching out to take her hand. A move that takes Niylah by surprise for a moment before she relaxes into it. Her thumb begins to stroke circles into Niylah’s hand.
“So, your happy here,” Clarke asks trying to get a sense of were Niylah stands in all this. If maybe there is still a chance for them to make it through this unscathed.
The older blonde shrugs. Her voice dropping quieter and tainted with an underlining of pain. “It was hard for a while. Really hard. But we survived. Thanks to Octavia.”
“You mean Bloodreina.” She jokes hating that name. It’s not as bad as Wanheda but it's still not a good name. Clarke got her name for committing genocide. She dreads to think about how Octivia gained her own version. The way her former friend threatened her own brother and herself not a few hours ago only added to that icy feeling.
Niylah isn’t as amused by her poor joke. Her voice turning more defensive. “How would you describe the sun to someone who has never seen it.” Clarke flinches at the term. A stab of pain rushing through her heart as she stops her loving motions of stroking Niylah’s hand. The small smile slipping from her face.
How does describe the sun to someone. The sun...
The name she uses for Niylah when they are alone and can just be them. That name directed in defence of someone else. It hurts. A reminder that her earlier statement still rings true. Everything is different now. She knows Niylah sees it as well as the older woman’s warm smile vanishes from her lips. The regret in her choice of words was palpable and opening the cavern between them just as it seemed the bridge they were building towards each other had collapsed.
Is that what Octivia is to Niylah now. Her sun.
Clarke can’t be blamed for feeling a rush of anger at the word. Anger mixed with pain creating a bitter cocktail as she yanks her hand away from Niylah. “By helping them to understand it based off of past experiences,” Clarke answers haughtily. A tone that makes Niylah draw back from her as well.
Seeing her lover curl up into herself a wave of regret washes over her. She takes no pleasure in Niylah’s pain, but she deserves it for that. Any other word would have been fine. But she used their word. Accidentally or not it still stuck a blow to Clarke.
Trying to salvage things between them Clarke goes onto expand. Her words coming out gentler and more affectionate. “For instance, its warmth would be the same you feel when the one you love touches you. That heat you feel. The way your skin pleasantly warms and how you feel your own blood sings basking in their light making you feel alive, safe and happy.”
Clarke keeps eye contact with Niylah. Never daring to break it as the words flow out of her much to Niylah’s shock.
“I would describe its beauty as when you see them smile. Something so small but also so profound that it lights up everything around you. Brightens your world in ways you never truly believed could be possible until you are in that moment and everything else seemingly fades away apart from her glow. How seeing her smile fills you with warmth while you previously felt cold and empty inside.”
Niylah takes in a sharp breath trying to steady her racing heart. But Clarke doesn’t stop there. The sudden need to air all of this between them in the privacy of her tent away from prying eyes and scheming.
“The idea of the sun is to light up the world and let things grow. Like someone who sees the best in you while you think yourself a monster and helps you despite all the pushback they get in return because they see you. Past the pain and anguish, they see you. And they don’t turn their back on you like others have. Even when faced with your darkness. Because the sun lights up the darkness. Chases the bad away giving some sense of peace. Something you can hold on to. An idea to keep you going through the long dark cold night. Because you know at the end of it the sun will rise again and wash all the bad away and make you feel happy again. Loved... human.” Clarke hates how her own voice wavers a little at the end there.
“Klark.” Niylah tries to respond but she can’t let her. As much as she hates it at least she knows where they stand with each other. Six years is a long time after all. What started out as a way to try and salvage something between them now feels more like a goodbye. The last strands holding them together tearing under the newfound weight.
The pain of her realisation rolling over into her words. “But as the sun rises it must also fall. Those who live under its light know they can’t live off of it. But they are grateful for its presence. For showing them there is still good in the world before being pulled away and leaving them in darkness again. They will always cherish the sun... love it... But the world doesn’t allow for them to stay with it.”
They always seem to be pulled apart. Just as they feel things are starting to go right for them they are forced in different directions. Always circling each other but never allowing them to remain within reach. She almost laughs at how their terms of endearment match this.
Niylah was her sun while she was Niylah’s moon.
By now tears had swelled in both women’s eyes. And Clarke tries to go back to what they were discussing. “I may not understand or agree. But I would let them explain and to the best of my abilities try to understand what made the actions take place in the first place. Too many times people have turned on me for not being able to understand or even bother to try to see why I did what I did.”
Or in most cases they did understand. Might have even agreed with her logic but still decided to rip her apart because it wasn’t a good thing to do. Niylah has always been the only one to never judge her. Even when she hated whatever decision Clarke had made Niylah never tried to hit her while she was down. Instead choosing to shelter her from the storm.
Niylah looks like she wants to say something. Anything about what just occurred. But she doesn’t instead she bites the inside of her lips and picks up from where Clarke left off. “Maybe you should give Octivia that chance as well.”
“I’m trying but no one wants to talk about it to me.” It’s easy for people to tell her to try and understand. To not blame but when no one is telling her the reason behind that it’s hard to be as sympathetic as people expect her to be.
Niylah looks off to the side, but her silence speaks volumes. Whatever happened down there was truly awful. Something that has instilled a deep loyalty among some of those within the bunker. And something that has caused a great unrest. One where they could be looking for someone else to take charge. To change things. Some people can lead during war. Some during peace. Not many can do both. She’s seen people try to do both and fail. She has tried to do both and failed.
She also knows how many of the clans will see her and Maddie’s arrival meaning. Wanheda arriving with a Natblida. A potentially true Natblida and help rescue them from the bunker. Wanheda who was also a flame keeper meant to help protect Heda and Natblida’s. “What about the flame.”
Niylah snaps back to her. Her eyes narrowing almost accusingly like she believes for a second that Clarke has the intention of deposing Octavia to take her place. “What about it. The time of the commanders is over.” The words seal something between them in Clarke’s heart. One of the last strings holding them together being snipped.
Then what would you call Bloodreina. She’s not a commander in name, blood or with the flame but she plays the same role. But she doesn’t say that to Niylah. She can already tell this conversation is going to go one way. And after waiting six years to be reunited with Niylah she hates that their first conversation is going to be a confirmation of them being over.
“Does Gaia still have it.” She asks far more steadily than she feels inside.
Niylah looks over to Maddie then slowly back at her. The truth shining so brightly in Niylah’s eyes that she has to look away. Anything to avoid the moment she has been dreading ever since they reopened the bunker and saw how much things have changed. “They say you made her into a Natblida.” Clarke gulps knowing where this is going but still praying that Niylah doesn’t push it. Doesn’t do what they both know she is about to do. “Is that true.”
The question hangs in the air for a moment before Clarke brings herself to answer. “Yeah.” She mutters looking back up but refusing to look at Niylah as she blatantly lies to her.
Silence lies between and for a split second hope is dangled in front of Clarke. Hope that Niylah won’t call her out on it. But then Niylah speaks and dashes that hope. “I can still tell when you’re lying.” It’s not spoken with the accusation as used before. Nor the same softness either. More just a statement of truth.
A rueful laugh escapes her before she could stop it. An almost choking sound mixture with the tiniest bit of joy seeing that even after all this time Niylah still sees her. Well... some of her. “Just another reason as to why I was avoiding you.”
“Another.” Niylah questions.
It seems like the time has finally come. The time to address things between them. But Clarke still doesn’t want to do that. To let Niylah go when she just got her back. Delaying it for as long as she can. A time that is shrinking smaller and smaller with every beat of her heart. “It’s been six years Niylah. Like I said everything is different now... I didn’t want you to hurt me. So, I avoided you. If you aren’t around me, we can’t be having this conversation.”
“Klark.” Niylah breathes her name in with the same pain Clarke is enduring.
“Your loyalty lies with Octavia now,” Clarke says a bit more forcefully than she meant. Causing her to try and backtrack a little. “Which it should. Whatever happened down there changed everyone and she protected you like I knew she would. But my loyalty isn’t to her. It’s to Maddie. My loyalty has to be with my daughter. And we both know what rumours about Maddie being a true Natblida would mean. So, I’m telling you that she isn’t. And please Niylah. Can we leave it at that.” She begs. Pleads with whatever gods are listening to let them leave it at that.
Niylah eyes her for a minute. Her expression is neutral as her eyes keep jumping from her to Maddie as she weighs everything out in her head. “She will figure it out. Others will.” Niylah tells her the confirmation of what they both know to be true but still not planting down where she stands on the matter.
“They will draw their own assumptions. And we will keep our narrative on the subject. They can’t prove it either way. I won’t let anyone harm my daughter.” The threat lingered in her voice. A fierce protectiveness that Niylah recognises instantly. The sound of it causing a flicker of her lips to turn upright. Not everything has changed it seems.
And although Niylah knows the threat was not directed towards her she still has to ask, “Is that how you see me now Klark. As a threat to her.”
Clarke shakes her head. “I see you as I have always seen you Ai deimeika (My sun).” The term of endearment rolling off of her tongue with an ease that doesn’t follow the rest of the conversation. But she doesn’t regret saying it. Not now. If anything good of their conversation is to come she wants it to be Niylah knowing that no matter what comes. No matter the sides they will stand on. A part of Clarke's heart will always beat for her. “How I will always see you. The woman who breathed life into me by being nothing but kind, gentle, patient and caring. Who has always stood up for what she believed in no matter what. Who isn’t afraid to let others know. Who strives for peace above all else. Who will always help others. Even when they don’t deserve it. The woman who brought me back from the brink by being so warm and bright. My own sun to cast the demons that lurk in my head away and reminded me of the good that could come in loving someone.”
Because that’s who Niylah is to her. She loves Niylah so much and if it wasn’t for Maddie she would join her just to be with her. To give up the struggles of always standing alone at the top to protect everyone else. It’s not her job anymore. She could have just been able to be with Niylah for a change.
But she’s not alone. She has Maddie. Maddie who hasn’t been around people before. Who has now suddenly been brought into a war over their home and might be forced to become something neither of them wants just to survive.
She can’t stand with anyone but Maddie now. She has to protect her above all else. To do everything in her power to keep Maddie as far away from all this as she could.
Nor will she allow herself to make Niylah have to choose between her and Octavia. That wouldn’t be fair to either of them. She did that with Lexa. Made her pick between her and her people and it cost Lexa her life. She refuses to Niylah in a similar situation. “But I won’t drag you into another conflict. I refuse to put you in harm’s way again. To drag you back into the darkness that surrounds me. So, please. Can we talk about something else. Anything else... Or leave.”
“Is that what you want me to do.” Niylah’s voice cracks a little. “To leave.”
“Of course not.” Clarke refutes. None of this is what she wants. “All I want is to keep you and Maddie safe. To wrap my arms around both of you and never let go. But this isn’t about what I want. The world does not care for my wants. And even if it did the path ahead of us is dangerous. I don’t want to take you down with me. I don’t want to keep always hurting you.”
That is all she seems to do to Niylah. Hurt her and leave her. Never on purpose yet a recurring fact of their entire relationship.
“And what about what I want,” Niylah asks voice wavering as she tries to regain control. “Do I get a choice in all of this.”
She was trying to give Niylah an out. To not force her into an impossible decision. “You know what that would mean.” Clarke reminds her. “Me and Maddie are not wonkru. And you are either Wonkru or you are an enemy of Wonkru.” She repeats the threat Octivia delivered to them not so long ago.
“I never agreed with that,” Niylah argues back full heartedly. And Clarke can hear the honesty in her words. But it was never Niylah she was worried about in that regard.
“I never thought you did,” Clarke assures her. Reaching out to take hold of Niylah’s hand again. Clutching onto her for dear life. “But others do.”
Niylah interlocks their fingers tightening her grip on Clarke. “I don’t want to lose you again.” Niylah whispers but still rings loudly in Clarke's ear. The desire to never let Niylah reignites within her. Shoving down the miserable acceptance she had been building up to through this conversation.
“I don’t want to lose you either,” Clarke admits in the same hushed tone. As if them saying it any louder would shatter the moment between them.
“I just...” Niylah trails off eyes scrunching up in annoyance.
“You can’t turn on Octavia.” Clarke finishes for her.
Niylah nods eyes opening back up and turning to her with a mixture of desperation and uncertainty. “We could tell her the truth. Make it clear that you and Maddie aren’t trying to take over. She can protect Maddie.” That’s Niylah isn’t it. Seeing the best in people even when others can’t. And maybe she is right. Maybe Octavia would protect Maddie. That her friend hasn't changed that much.
But she doesn’t know this version of Octavia. Doesn’t know what she is or isn’t capable of. Can she really gamble with Maddie’s life. “Or she deems my daughter too much of a threat.” She counter argues. “I can’t take that risk. Not when it’s Maddie’s life on the line.”
Tired of the back and forth she tugged Niylah’s hand pulling her closer and stopping whatever argument the older blonde was going to hit her back with. “We can talk about this again in the morning. I don’t want to keep arguing with you.” This whole day has drained her. Everything has happened so quickly that she can’t keep up with it. The emotional whiplash has left her exhausted and tired.
“Do you want me to leave,” Niylah asks in a small voice. The hesitancy in her lover is yet another blow to her heart.
She doesn’t want that. She never wants Niylah to leave. Even admits all the rubble she still wants Niylah.
A fact she makes clear to Niylah. Shuffling forward mindful not to disturb Maddie she watches Niylah very closely for any signs of rejection or unease as she kneels in front of her and reaches out to cup her face. Niylah’s eyes fluttering closed as Clarke moved their need together to rest against each other. “I want you to stay. If it’s just for tonight.”
“I would like that to Klark,” Niylah replies opening her eyes matching the same love and tenderness surely shining in Clarke's eyes. Niylah reached behind Clarke's head holding on to the back of her neck and closing the short distance between them pressing their lips together.
Clarke presses into Niylah’s lips softly yet unyielding. Loving and filled with a desperation to feel the other again. After six years apart the kiss is familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. Their lips danced conveying the depth of their emotions that they couldn’t bring a voice to.
Though the temptation to do more. To expand in their reunion grows like a flame in her Clarke pulls back from the kiss. To properly get reacquainted with Niylah. She doesn’t really feel like scaring Maddie like that. Instead, she settles for pressing a few more kisses on Niylah’s swollen lips before pulling her to lie down with her.
Niylah follows with ease allowing Clarke to wrap them in a blanket as they fall into their usual sleeping positions together. Clarke pressed tightly into Niylah’s body resting her head in the crook of her neck while Niylah’s arms circled around her waist keeping her as close as possible. Resting her head against the Clarke’s.
Lying down embracing each other Clarke utters the words she should have started their reunion with. “I’ve missed you, Niylah. So much.”
Niylah squeezes her tightly lips pressing into her hair. “I’ve missed you too, Ai natshana (My moon).”
The morning may hold for heartbreak and horrors. But for night she doesn’t have to worry about any of that. Instead, she can simply sink into Niylah’s warm embrace. The steady sound of her lovers breathing luring her to sleep battling away any nightmares that threaten to pop their little bubble of peace.