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Some say that Master Obi Wan Kenobi was the perfect jedi, the best jedi the Order had ever seen. But those voices have faded away. What does the universe know of Jedi and their code? It always was and it will ever be. Pulsating silently, witnessing the follies of living creatures who think they will outlast it.
A Jedi strives to create the same active silence in his every breath. Through years of chaos, constant war, and the never ending dance of his lightsaber, Obi Wan had always managed to live in this stillness. He drew this peace from within himself and the Force. Until there was nothing left but a shrieking silence.
Once the Skywalker twins’ fates had been decided. Obi Wan scrambled to Tatooine to deliver Luke to the care of his foster parents. He was gone before the baby had woken up.
He had promised to look after the child. The Emperor and his apprentice were too busy building their empire to worry about children. Gloating far too much to have any doubts. Despairing too much to have any hopes. The child was safe, for now.
Obi Wan was completely free, for the first time in his life. He had no other orders to obey, no one to follow or serve. Just himself. He left Owen and Beru’s home and wandered into the never ending desert. The sun scorched his skin, but he didn’t really feel it. It was nothing like Mustafar and the flames that had spread all over Anakin Skywalker’s mutilated body. Sweat dripping on his face, mingling with his tears, he kept on walking.
No amount of silence could drown those screams. Anakin’s screams foreshadowing those of Darth Vader. The death of a Jedi Knight, the birth of a Sith Lord.
I hate you.
Those words would not leave Obi Wan’s mind. Those gut wrenching screams were covering the gentle whispers rippling through the Force. Master Yoda had given him a last lesson before they had parted ways. He could communicate with Qui Gon if he wished to. He wasn’t ready. He needed to clear his head before starting to think about what comes next. He had to quieten those screams and face his new state.
Qui Gon Jinn had taught him that there was a time for everything. Grief, bereavement or any other emotion had to be faced head on, and embraced.
And then, released back to the Force.
There was no running from his own heartbeat.
It would take many lifetimes to overcome the sadness that was making him blind. He lost count of time, as he trudged on through the desert. Was he going in circles, or, walking in a straight line? He didn’t know anymore. He kept his senses attuned to the Force, to make sure Luke was safe. Other than that, reality had faded away, all he saw and knew was his failure and that moment when he lost everything. He slept sometimes in the shade, found water when he needed it. And, kept on walking.
His skin was coarse, his feet blistered, his voice hoarse. The graceful Jedi Master was gone.
One night, he realized he had found the perfect place to build his home, and the peace of mind that he needed to do it. His steps had taken him back, closer to Owen’s farm. A hovel, was a more suitable word than home. There were no homes left for Obi Wan Kenobi. Brick by brick he made his own temple, his shelter from the sun that he could no longer bear. He had done his penance.
Qui Gon was here and there. Whispering words of wisdom and solace. A father that had never left his heart. It did bring him comfort and joy to have him by his side. But there’s no substitute for living people. He would often wander back to Owen and Beru’s to look after Luke. Owen would send him away. Reminding him that Luke was his ward now and having him around was a liability.
Meditating with Qui Gon was a blessing. Little by little, he could heal. But his ginger hair was turning white on a fast pace. One morning, as he was washing up, he saw his face in the reflection of the water basin. It seemed impossible that his man was him. He had never harbored any vanity in his appearance and yet.. He had no idea who was this aging man.
That same day, he stumbled out. His eyes searching the bright desert. There was a disturbance in the Force. A very familiar Force signature was hovering. It made him think of Padmé. But she was gone. Obi Wan wandered to the Owen homestead. A hooded figure, clad in white, was lurking about. By her gait, he could deduce that it was a woman. She was not very young but she seemed to be stealthy. She turned around and his heart gave a start. He knew this face. He knew this smile.
“Obi Wan!“ She rushed to him, her hood falling back, revealing her dark curls. There was barely any silver in her hair. And she looked exactly the same.. Exactly like Queen Padmé Amidala.
“Sabé.“ His voice was hoarse. He hadn’t spoken in a very long time. But her name felt like velvet on his lips.
Her hands found his.
“How..?“
“Bail told me. I know I wasn’t supposed to know but.. She was like my sister. I was her shadow and.. I had to know.“ The words were tumbling out her lips and he sent her a wave of reassurance. Of course Sabé Naberrie would run to find out what had happen. He wanted to laugh but he didn’t remember how. She was still so delightful. Even now, at the end of all things, she made him glad to be alive.
He gestured her to follow and led her to his home. They sat face to face, in silence. The hesitant innocent kisses they had shared when they first met and he had been a Padawan lingered between them. She was smiling again but it didn’t match her sad eyes. She looked like her Queen Amidala during her planet’s occupation.
“I understand now,“ she stated.
And they were sent back to Coruscant, where their paths had crossed again after the attempt on Padmé’s life, before the clone wars. A struggling Master trying to guide his Padawan to the right path. And Sabé, all curls and smiles.. So full of life. And her lips with that smile that could melt his inside. Yet, he had remained stoic and gracious like the Jedi he had always striven to be.
They had sat down, face to face, after Geonosis, and he had explained to her that nothing would ever come out of their lingering looks and the memories of their stolen kisses. He would never betray his vows. And she had confided that she would never let him, either. She respected him too much to go against his beliefs, although, she couldn’t understand how love could be so dangerous. Love, for her, was a cure for everything, even war. And from that they had drifted into a discussion about what love was, and, what love Jedi served, heart and soul. He had not doubted his beliefs and principles for one second. How young and self-righteous he had been! How young and earnest she had been. So long ago.
The years had taught her otherwise, it seemed. As she was finally seeing what he used to see, he was realizing how wrong he had been.
He covered his mouth to hide a smile. It wasn’t very becoming of a former Jedi Master.
“No. We were wrong Sabé. It was never love that des…“ and he didn’t continue. It was too tiring to hash it out. No, it wasn’t love that had led Anakin astray. Although it certainly killed Padmé Naberrie. But love hadn’t made Anakin turn. It was fear, it was something he couldn’t pinpoint. And even now, he could feel his whole body shuddering. And Sabé fled to him, her hands cradling his face, and her kind eyes searching his.
“When they told me… I couldn’t stop thinking about you.“ Her voice was a whisper now, “about your heart breaking.“ He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He didn’t want to think about the pain in his chest, it had taken him long enough to forget the stench of Anakin’s burning body and the smoke burning his eyes.
But it seemed now, that it wasn’t totally gone. How much he had meditated! Casting off his feelings into the Force and filling his lungs with serenity. It was only now, that, Sabé was in his arms that he could realize that he was so very far from being healed.
Embrace it. Embrace her. Just let it in, my young Padawan.
Strange, that his old Master was the one urging him to break his vows. He pulled away from Sabé and went to stand by the window. The suns were setting. The air was growing cooler.
“And how have you been Sabé Naberrie?“
“I’m.. I don’t know. I was never a politician like Padmé. I’m a fighter.. But there are no more wars to fight. They have won.“ He considered her, taking in her flashing eyes and pinched mouth. His brave Sabé. She was always the first one to argue fiercely about never giving up, about Naboo reconsidering their pacifist stands. She had even volunteered to fight against the separatist, in a less civilized arena than her cousin Padmé. He had heard stories about the tough Sabé Naberrie. They might have fought in different battlegrounds but they had fought side by side.
“I’ve been traveling… Or trying to. It turns out that I’m on Vader’s list.“ He raised his eyebrows and she offered him another sad smile, “Yes. He has a list of people he wants to execute. You are on top. I’m.. Somewhere between Representative Binks and Saché. Or was“
She rubbed her arms. It was getting darker. Wordlessly, he threw a few dried branches in the hearth and built a fire.
“I’m the last one left. They took Yané while she was out looking for medicine for her grandmother. All Amidala’s handmaidens. I don’t understand.“
She was cradling her chin between her hands and staring into the fire.
“He killed her. And now he wants to kill her sisters.“ Her voice was low and he couldn’t help but stare. Gone was the smile or the sadness, it was rage that was etched in her beautiful face. The Republic had fallen indeed. Darkness was consuming even the brightest stars. Fighting for a better world made her look like a warrior queen, but fighting for revenge gave her another guise. It made him shudder.
He sat down next to her, and drew her closer to him, his arm around her shoulders.
“Sabé. Don’t give in to hate.“
He tasted tears on her cheeks and so much bitterness on her lips. He wasn’t the only one needing healing. Sabé Naberrie, the brave handmaiden was broken and had lost her grace.
“How can you not hate him? After all he did.“ He didn’t answer, his lips were brushing against her throat. She was shivering again but not because of the cold. Her fingers entangled in his hair.
“Obi Wan…“ The name startled him. He pulled away and her eyes flickered open. He cleared his throat and tried to answer her question.
“I’ve let him go.“ She frowned slightly as she registered his words. It was strange to see lines mare her once smooth forehead. But it only made her look more endearing. “Obi Wan, Anakin, the Jedi.. I’ve let them all go.“
His voice was shaky but she could see a pool of serenity in his eyes. And she just stared into it. Mesmerized, hypnotized. He did always have this unique ability to make her calm and light. She remembered being soothed by his presence after Cordé’s death. And those few days, stranded on Tatooine, terrified for her people, when they first met. She had fallen head over heel for a Jedi. How foolish. Years after years, she and tried to shake it off. But her path had taken her back to her first love. Her broken angel that had given everything for the Republic and the Jedi Order.
“But you’re still sad…“ She whispered back. He nodded. His gaze never moving away from hers. But she looked at her hands, folded on her lap. Her rock, her solid and silent mountain was shattered. And why wouldn’t he? It was horrible enough for the people watching by as the Republic crumbled into bitter dust. But he was at the heart of it all. And he had lost everyone, everything… And yet, he was still clinging to the Force.
There was no darkness here. It soothed her, and made her believe again that, there might be some hope somewhere in this endless galaxy. He broke their stare and smiled again.
“How long did it take for Senator Organa to tell you the truth?“ He leaned against the back of the makeshift settee.
“Oh you know me… I’m very persuasive.“ The truth was that, at first, she had been so blinded with grief that she hadn’t thought there was more. She had been summoned to Alderaan to escort Padmé’s body to Naboo. She had been struck with shock when Bail Organa, himself, had told her Padmé was gone, along with her unborn child. The doubts had crept in her mind long after the dreadful funeral. They would wake her from deep slumber. She had been Padmé Amidala’s closest friend, connected by blood, daughters of two sisters. She had known about the marriage. It had been so hard no to breathe a word to Obi Wan. But she had been Amidala’s faithful handmaiden till the end. She sighed before she spoke.
“It actually took me a long time before I realized that there was something wrong. I had dreams of Padmé. Of the twins.“ She whispered the last part, as if the Empire was eavesdropping.
“But there wasn’t enough time to think. They were looking for me. I didn’t go to Aldeeran for information but for refuge.“
Obi wan stood up instantly. Their careful plan was in taters. What if the Empire was still following Sabé? She smiled again and shook her head.
“Don’t worry. I’m dead. Sabé Naberrie is dead, like all the other handmaidens. She went to Alderaan to die. Did you know that they burry their dead there? I have a.. They call it a tombstone.“
The kettle that he had placed in the hearth was boiling. He made them mugs of tea. The fine aroma filled the hut. It was his last luxury. A last remnant of his life as a Jedi. Qui Gon had approved. He was, after all, the one who had given him the habit of drinking tea.
Sabé gratefully took the mug, her hands entwining around it, as he sat down next to her.
“And you came here.“
“I wanted to see Luke. Bail didn’t tell me you would be here.“ Another smile before she took a sip of tea. Her regal bearing and coquettish smile made him forget momentarily their predicament.
If their worlds hadn’t fallen, Sabé Naberrie, cousin of the former Queen of Naboo, would have eventually forgotten about him. There was no doubt. A fine noblewoman from Naboo wouldn’t have waited for a weatherbeaten Jedi Master to go against his conscience and principles.
That day after the Clone Wars had started, he had told her that he didn’t feel anything other than universal love for her. She was a good friend that he longed to see happy. He had urged her to move on. Acknowledging her questions, he had confessed that he had indeed been infatuated with her as a Padawan Learner. Those feelings had been a trial for him, something to make him strive more in his spiritual path. All through this encounter, Sabé hadn’t cried. Her face had remained impassive. Making him proud.
And in that moment, he had realized that he was losing her forever. Sabé would eventually heal from her broken heart and find a man to be her companion. And he would serve the Jedi Order and the Republic, heart body and soul, until the very end.
And yet, here they were. The end had come and gone. The Force had drawn them back together.
The Jedi Order hadn’t believed in attachment. In the end that was what destroyed them. A few months ago, he had had this discussion with Qui Gon. His Master had agreed and even added that if there were to be a new Jedi Order, they would have to rethink their rules. A living being can love with all his or her heart, and yet, know how, and, when to let go. Or else, why would the Force give them the ability to love and care?
Who knew more about loving than Jedi? What linked the Jedi between themselves? Between Master and Padawan? Love. But Jedi hadn’t been taught how to truly love as living beings, rather than loving like a Jedi. Someone who hasn’t been taught how to love cannot go through the stages and trials of love without destroying themselves. The most innate love is selfish; it stems from a child that needs everything from his or her source of life. It’s a love that must evolve beyond needs and self. It’s a love that urges to possess, to keep and to capture. It’s a love that destroys all. And is eventually destroyed by the one that feels it.
True love, the love that the Jedi should have taught Anakin, exists beyond the material, beyond body and heart. To love is to know that all is fleeting in this world. And, to know that all belong to the Force: the lover and the beloved. All must die.
To love is to let go, and believe that, it will never be lost. Love grows when possession dwindles.
Obi Wan raised his eyes to Sabé’s face. She also looked pensive as she studied his abode in the flickers of the firelight.
“I’m glad you came Sabé.“ He confided. He could see that she seemed surprised. His voice had wavered and he probably didn’t look as polished as he used to. General Kenobi had fought many wars all through the galaxy. Master Kenobi had fought many wars within himself. But Obi Wan Kenobi was barely coming back to life.
“It’s so quiet here.“ She sighed as she got up. She placed the mug on the window sill as she peered outside. So many stars twinkling far away. Naboo must be somewhere in this immensity. But it didn’t mean anything anymore. She had been an orphan when her aunt had asked her to join Padmé’s entourage. And after that, the handmaidens became her only family. And they were snuffed out, one by one. Anakin Skywalker, what did you do? Are you so jealous of your love that you must destroy all that cherished Padmé? She shivered. There was no use dwelling on those she had lost in this fight. Her lonely path had made her stumble upon the only living and breathing person who could offer her solace. Obi Wan was standing behind her. His chest against her back, his rough cheek against hers. Here, she could try to forget this fury. Here she could breathe again.
Obi Wan was finding it hard to breathe with Sabé so close to him. But she was looking so sad and forlorn that, he had reached for her against his own volition. She was still shivering as she spoke again,
“If I stay…“
“Stay.“
She turned around. Her gaze was searing his, his lips a breath away.
“He killed my family. He.. They killed yours. How… “ She shook her head. So very Sabé of her, her fighting spirit would never be snuffed out. “I can’t hide in the shadows. I have to fight back.“ Her voice was rising with each word.
He nodded, his hands covering hers.
“And we must. But when the time is right, Sabé. Right now, the Empire is at its strongest..“ She shook vigorously her head but he lifted her chin. “There is still hope. But we have to wait for the right moment.“ There was virtue in patience, and all his senses were telling him that it was not yet time to strike the Empire. The wounds were too fresh, and too much darkness with still hovering after the sacrificial massacre. Their fight was against the Dark Side, not an excuse to quench their thirst for revenge. But Sabé was no Jedi.
Her gaze dropped. Her face was ashen again. He pulled her against his chest. The time wasn’t right. He believed it. But there was something more.. And this feeling was making him shudder.
Don’t fight it.
There was this fear inside his heart. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t bear it if something happened to Sabé. If she left his hut and never came back.. The silence would only grow louder and the darkness would bury him. His throat was closing and he had to suppress a cry rising to his lips. A universe without Sabé…
There.
Accept it.
Obi Wan Kenobi didn’t want to lose Sabé Naberrie. How common… How natural. How very human.
But you will lose her eventually.
True. Nothing last. He was a master of losing and letting go. Wasn’t he?
There is no death, there is the Force
And whatever is in the Force will never be destroyed. All suns and universes will forever exist within the Force, along with every atom, every creature in existence. There was no fear to harbor for those who believed in the Force and served it.
There is no death, there is the Force.
Sabé pulled away, breaking Obi Wan’s conversation with Qui Gon.
“If I don’t get back to the fight… I will feel like I’ve failed her, them.“ He nodded. It did hurt. It felt so good to hold her in his arms, to see her smile.. Her sweet perfume. Her hands forever playing with his. And the promise of so much more. It would have been easier if she hadn’t come back. He would have kept on believing that she was safely tucked away, protected from the Sith. But having her back in his presence and then losing her all over again? To be immersed in the love that knitted them together, and then being left in the dark cold of space?
It was hard to let go. But being a Jedi, being a living creature was hard. Suns that burst into supernovas were not acknowledged by the planet gazing at them. And yet, even those planet suffered this loss… Either by dying with the star, or simply freezing into a never ending slumber. Until another sun found it. Or the rubbles made another solar system.
“What are you thinking about? You are always so quiet.“
“And you always have something to say.“ He joined in her laughter. He did remember how to laugh. They were opposites. He was the quiet soothing mountain and she was the forever gushing waterfall. Yet, they understood each other. And they were forever tied together through time and space.
They sat down on his cot. They were looking at each other somewhat shyly. How humbling. A seasoned Master Jedi who was probably blushing under his beard and an aging handmaiden who’s fingers were shaking as she was undoing his tunic. Their gaze locked.
“Are you sure?“ Her voice was a whisper, almost a caress.. Or a warning? He nodded.
“I am sure.“ And he leaned forward to claim her lips.
He had forgotten to close the shades and now the blazing sunlight was spilling in the room. Sabé was still asleep. The sheet barely covering her body, and her hair sprawled around her. He had woken up with a mouthful of her dark locks. As he laid down on his side, looking at the woman he had finally dared to love, he thought about about his former apprentice.
With Sabé within reach, it seemed less heart breaking. He could understand parts of what Anakin must have gone through. To find a love so true, so full of the Force, and to know that it was agains the Jedi Code. It was not an easy burden to carry. Obi Wan had squashed his own feelings in the bud before their innocent kisses could become something else, before their hearts could merge into one. It was cowardly but it had seemed to be the right thing to do, then. Anakin, on the other hand, had marched on for his Padmé.. Until his actions killed her, and killed his own soul.
Anakin, I’m sorry I didn’t know. I couldn’t understand. I wish I knew then what I know now.
He could tug their bond as many times as he wanted but there was no one there. When Darth Vader rose, he broke the remnants of their bond. Strange, isn’t it? His bond to Qui Gon survived through death but the Dark Side destroyed his strong bond to his former Padawan, his brother.
Death is more merciful than the Dark Side. Obi Wan could feel his cheeks heating up. He felt almost ashamed thinking about his former Master seeing him in this state. He was no longer a Jedi. He had turned his back to the most essential teaching that had shaped him as a man. He had really lost himself this time.
It’s not true, my young Padawan.
You are going beyond what was taught to you but you have not lost yourself.
Is this how you feel right now?
No.
You are not lost. You are finally understanding what it truly mean to be alive, and living with the Force. And that is what the Jedi way should be.
And the voice faded away. He was right. There’s was no darkness in this morning. Only those two bright suns. Sabé shifted and stretched her arms over her head. She tilted her face to look at him with a smile.
“You should have woken me up.“
He shook his head with a smile. Qui Gon was right. At this moment, he could feel like himself. All creatures need love to strive and live. And within the Order, the love between Apprentice and Master was what made them a family. The lie was to deny this attachment. It was by, both, embracing and letting go of attachment, that Jedi could attain the highest of Wisdom, and, grow even closer to the Force. Last night, he had embraced his one true love and today he would learn how to let go.
“You are thinking big thoughts again.“ Sabé complained.
“And you are interrupting me, again.“ His voice mimicking hers, she pulled him closer for a kiss, brining him back into the reality of the moment. This precious moment that will not last. This moment that he would cherish until it lasted.
The didn’t need words to establish what had happened and what would happen. They would forever belong to each other, and to the Force. They both had their duties and paths to follow. And their love would not die of neglect, it would only grow deeper and lighter.
She left by mid afternoon, promising him that she knew how to take of herself. He walked her to her ship. He stood under the blinding sunlight until he couldn’t see her ship anymore.
As he walked back to his house, he felt the heaviness of his newfound loneliness. How different this walk felt from his first foray into the desert. There was no despair, only hope that the Force would lead them back to each other again, in this life or the next.
The solitude he had searched for, in his first years of exile had tasted bitter and scorched him. He had both welcome its solace and bitterness. This new state of loneliness was different. Sabé had opened his heart again and now he could hear the whispers in the silence. And he could sense that he needed company. Even his hovel seemed far too big to house him. It unsettled him.
He went to visit Owen and Beru. The former was gruff but she insisted on him staying for supper. Little Luke was completely oblivious to the man sitting at their table. He was eagerly waiting for his mother’s bedtime stories. It warmed Obi Wan’s heart to see Padmé and Anakin’s child enjoying his childhood. Although, none of them soothed him like Sabé’s laughter, they made him glad to have someone to share a meal with.
That night, he felt less alone when he went back to his house.
He had passed the test. There could be love, there could be attachment without anger, without crippling loss. Sabé’s fate was uncertain, but in each of his breath he could feel how unwavering their love was.
So much he wish he had known.
Even if you had counseled him, this was his test.. His path.
A Jedi must face all his trials alone.
And reach out to the Force.
Qui Gon had been silent ever since Sabé had left, but now, he was free to rejoice with his former Padawan over this new victory. After that, Obi Wan went back to his routine of meditation and training. He would often think of Sabé, any worry would be offered to the Force.
Days turned into weeks, years flitted by. Luke loved his Uncle Ben, and often asked his parents to invite him. It was a risk but every step is a risk under the shadow of the Empire. And hope was within all their smiles and good words.
One night, as Obi Wan was walking back to his hut, he saw a flicker in the shadows. He reached for the lightsaber he kept under his shapeless cloak. There was a hooded creature running towards him. But only a few people in this galaxy liked to wear such impractical clothes in Tatooine.
“I’m back.“ Sabé was smiling. And she looked like a vision under the moon. He pulled her in his arms, to make sure that she was still alive. Her body against his, he could breathe again. She had returned to him.
They found their way to his lodging without too many interruptions. But it was so difficult not to kiss her when she was within reach. In the dim lights, he noticed that her hair had grown silvery. It suited her. There was a scar on her forehead that made him cringe. As they sat by the fire, he softly caressed it. He could feel the echoes of her pain and her screams. It had happened years ago. It didn’t seem to bother her anymore. They sat in silence for a long time, their bodies barely touching and their breaths coming out evenly.
“You were right. We need to recoup before we can strike them.“ He didn’t interrupt her as she spoke again, “I think I’m going to stay here for a while now. May I?“
He pulled her on his lap, gathering her in his arms. She giggled like that young decoy that had caught his eye.
“That’s not very Jedi of you Obi Wan.“ His name sounded so right in her voice.
“You’ve come back home.“
“I have. And I’m staying this time. No more fighting for Sabé Naberrie.“ There was joy in their voices as they talked all night. She told him the latest news, the little victories against the darkness. He told her about Luke’s antics, what he had learned with Qui Gon. He whispered about missing her, and she teased him. They tumbled into bed like teenagers.
It was the beginning of their lives together : the former decoy and the former Master Jedi. And they did find bliss in every mundane details of their simple lives.
Sabé passed away before she could see more action. She never saw the Empire defeated. But they had many years of laughter and joy before she drifted off into the Force. But he carried her in his heart, all through his journey to face Darth Vader. She was there when he faced his death, with the same fearlessness she had shown when facing her own time.
And she was there to rejoice when he joined them into the Force. So many happy voices, smiles to welcome him, and sparkles that echoed back into the world of the living. If only the living knew… How lucky are those who truly love, for they will live forever into the gentles waves of the Force.