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Home was Tofoten, first. The house with her Aunt, the peaceful hills, and the half-remembered trauma. Johanna can remember now, the years with her parents, and the pain of losing them. But Tofoten stopped feeling like home a long time ago now. Being sent off to Trolberg was a mixed blessing. It soured her relationship with Astrid, but it was the place she came into herself. Joining the Sparrow Scouts, finding her love for art in boarding school. Trolberg came to feel more like home than it did an escape.
It was also where she met Anders. Anders admittedly never quite felt like home, which felt cruel to think, but she also had a feeling he’d agree. What they had was nice, for a time, and neither would ever regret it, given what it had brought them, but it was better now, with the understanding that they wanted different things out of life. Hilda had been the greatest gift she could have asked for, but with her birth came the desire for change. She wanted to give her daughter the chance to grow up away from the hustle and bustle. Somewhere peaceful, like Tofoten had been for her. But also as far away from Tofoten as she could get. Her grandfather’s cabin had been perfect for that, away from it all, with the peace to work, and for Hilda to grow. Hilda grew, she thrived. She met Twig, and he saved her, and became a welcome addition to their little family.
And so for a time, that was home. The Cabin, and Hilda. She loved them both dearly, but her daughter would always be the most important part of it all. So long as they were together, that would be enough. She hadn’t quite expected that to be put to the test so abruptly as it was, but the actions of giants are hard to plan for. And that meant moving back to Trolberg. It would be good for Hilda, she knew. Her own time there had done her wonders, and she’d been sent there at around the same age. She missed it, if she was honest with herself. Sure, Hilda would take time to adjust, but it would all be for the best. Johanna hadn’t quite expected there to be quite so much for her to adjust to. Alfur was strange, to begin with, but soon became a welcome presence, as another voice of reason in Hilda’s life. Well, an attempted voice of reason at least. Tontu had been a more difficult shift, her own biases making for an awkward start, to say the least. But soon it was difficult to imagine home without them. It was nice, to have more people in her life. Not that she had been lonely before. She had Hilda, and that was enough.
Johanna very pointedly did not think about what she’d do when Hilda would be old enough to move out. To explore the world, as she almost certainly would want to do. She could barely picture home without Hilda there. But that was years off still, and she wasn’t quite as alone anymore.
Losing Hilda had destroyed her. Yes, they found each other again, and Johanna understood why Trylla had done it. A mother’s love was a powerful thing, and she would do anything for Hilda. But it put things into perspective for her. So when Astrid invited them to visit, she accepted. Astrid had been home once, and once there, she found she had missed her quite a bit more than she’d thought. So to almost lose Hilda again to the Fairy Mound, the thing that had haunted her for years? It hurt. So back to Trolberg it was.
Anders visiting again was interesting, to say the least. She would never begrudge him time with Hilda, but she was disappointed on her behalf when he vanished again. He had never been perfect, but she’d thought him good enough to say goodbye, at least. So learning he’d been taken to the Fairy Country, and that Hilda had gone in to save him? She wished she could say she was surprised, but she knew her daughter better than to expect anything less. Going in after her was all she could do.
Home had been her parents once. She could barely process how much she had missed them, once she remembered them again. And surely, Fairy Country could be home for them, couldn’t it? Her, her parents, and Hilda, together, and free to fly. To catch up, to be together, after so long. It could be home. It could. For her, at least. But Hilda? Hilda had a life outside of her family, she had friends, great friends, and a whole world to explore. She couldn’t leave that behind. And Johanna would never forgive herself if she made her. Saying goodbye to her parents hurt. Losing Astrid hurt. Getting her back was unexpected, but she knew now that she was going to cherish every moment she got to spend with the people she cared about.
It was somewhat mortifying to realize that outside of Astrid, the people she cared about had all entered her life through Hilda. It’s one thing for your daughter to claim that you have no friends, and another entirely to realize that she was correct. It had been so easy for Johanna to imagine leaving her entire life in Trolberg behind, because who would she miss, really? Alfur and Tontu, certainly, and Twig, yes, but who then? Stilted conversation with David and Frida’s parents, the occasional chat with Gerda? Maybe it was time for her to find her people, like Hilda had done so well.
Spending time with the Librarian had been accidental, at first. She had gone to the library intent on finding a book, and was met with a very interesting looking woman, who was nice enough to not react visibly when asked where she could find a self-help book. She had simply pointed her in the right direction, and left it at that. She only spoke up when Johanna brought her selections to the checkout desk, informing her, oh no, not that one. Trite, reductive, you’ll feel worse about yourself after reading it. The other one’s fine though. Johanna had blinked, laughed, and then thanked her, as the Librarian set the apparently offending tome aside to be reshelved later. And the other book was in fact more than fine, and she resolved to take its advice to heart, reaffirming the relationships she actively enjoyed, and seeking out things that brought her joy. This meant making chats with Gerda a weekly thing, because the other woman could be quite the conversationalist, and moreover, was wholly non-judgemental about how long it had been since Johanna had proper friends. It meant spending a day out with Hilda and Anders, because if he was going to be living in Trolberg now, they may as well get used to each other again. It meant letting Tontu and Alfur know how much she appreciated what they did for her, and giving Twig an extra scratch near his antlers now and then. It meant talking with Raven Leader about volunteering for Sparrow Scout events, because she missed the sense of community that organization had brought about. It meant calling Astrid a bit more often, just to say hello.
It also meant that when she went to return the better-than-fine self-help book, she asked the Librarian if she had any recommendations. It was her turn to blink now, but she recovered quickly, giving Johanna a once-over before directing her to a marvelous work of dramatic fiction from an author she’d never heard of before. When it came time to return that, she was surprised when the Librarian had barely seen her come in before she smiled, and pointed her towards another equally enthralling book.
Johanna was a little upset with herself that it took until her fourth visit to realize she didn’t know the Librarian’s name, and had in fact just been thinking of her as ‘the Librarian’ with a capital L. But Kaisa was nice about it, saying if she wanted everyone to know, she’d wear a nametag. It felt nice, for some reason, the knowledge that she had apparently earned the right to know, somehow. And from there, it had felt easy to go from book recommendations to other topics, what she thought of Trolberg, what she thought of Trolls. (Kaisa didn’t seem the type to still be biased against them, but it couldn’t hurt to check. Johanna was glad to learn she had nothing to worry about there.) What she did outside of work, things like that. It was a bit surprising to learn that Kaisa apparently tutored Frida occasionally, but privately she was glad to hear it. Frida had made it very clear by now that she would go through hell and back for Hilda, so if she seemed to like Kaisa, all the better. Johanna tried not to think about why she cared about what her daughter and her friends would think of Kaisa.
Learning that Kaisa had already met, and was in fact quite familiar with her daughter, had only been slightly surprising. Hilda seemed to know everyone nowadays, and she’d certainly spent enough time at the library for it to make sense. Frankly, Kaisa had seemed more surprised about it than she was, although she was unsure if that was because she had never mentioned a daughter, or because, admittedly, Hilda was a good deal more outgoing than Johanna had ever been. But knowing that Hilda liked Kaisa? And that Kaisa seemed to like Hilda as well? (Provided, of course, she wasn't causing trouble?) It was heartwarming. For no particular reason, of course.
Kaisa being a witch was a bit more of a shock, but again, all the pieces fit looking back, and so when the two of them met up for coffee, she found herself asking some of the questions she could never quite bring herself to ask Frida. Things like just what Hilda being a familiar entailed, if there was anything she could be doing to keep her daughter safe. Whether or not Hilda being part Fairy would have any impact. It was her turn to shock Kaisa now, apparently, because then she was the one with questions. How much is part, on which side of the family, could you tell me a bit about Fairy Country? It had been a bit embarrassing to have to tell her that she didn’t actually know all that much, but she did pass on Astrid’s number, in the hopes her Aunt could help Kaisa out a bit.
The phone call she received afterwards from Astrid, asking just who this witch was that Johanna was spending so much time with, telling so much to, was more than just a bit embarrassing. Because she was spending a good bit of time with her nowadays, more than just at the library, and perhaps it was time to be honest with herself about the why. Kaisa was interesting, and not just for the obvious reasons. She was witty, she was fun. Johanna felt comfortable with her, and she seemed to enjoy Johanna’s company. Johanna liked her. And perhaps that was too simple a sentiment, but it was true. She enjoyed the time she spent with Kaisa. And she wanted to keep enjoying it.
Because Kaisa was starting to feel like home.