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It was a gloomy day, that might be an overused phrase but there was a reason for that. Not just because of the thunderous weather that couldn’t seem to stop, but because I was having a gloomy day with life. My day, while not different from most, had just been too much that, everyone has their days, right? But none of that matters now even if I am overwhelmed, I had still promised to meet up with Lainey, my best friend. There is always this weird feeling around her like there was something there, something deeper than this liking of my dear friend. But there wasn't ever time to unpack those feelings for we were never around one another much, it's a miracle that we could meet today. We'd meet at least once daily if it were how I wanted it. Life was so nice around Lainey. However, Lainey had been different recently… distant. It didn’t suit her at all, did I do something wrong?
I was in the cafe we’d promised to meet at, waiting. I got there fifteen minutes early due to how nervous I was. There was just this feeling in my gut that we wouldn’t be friends any longer. Like this bridge, which I’d worked so hard to build, was at risk of collapsing, and that couldn’t happen. I spent so long on friendships. I couldn’t lose another one. I couldn't go through that again. So for now I'll wait for her to get here and hope she won't break us apart in this friendship. With all these thoughts I didn't even notice Lainey come up and sit across from me. She had to wave her hand in front of my face to get me to notice her. I looked up at her and gods was she beautiful… that's a normal thing to think about a friend, right? It's normal to look at a friend and your cheeks to get a little red tint to them, right… right?
“Hey, you were zoned out for a while, you ok?” her voice soothed every doubt I had. It seemed so calm, so steady. If I were to lean on it, I bet it would hold up all my physical and mental weight.
“Yea sorry, did you say something?” I was zoned out so bad; in a spiral that didn't seem to end but as soon as she spoke it all went away, I liked that.
“No, I just got here. Did you wait long? "
"No, not long at all.” I checked the time, I'd been waiting for twenty minutes, which now that I thought about it was a bit of time, but I already said I didn't so I can't take that back now, can I? As she sat down I finally got a good look at her, she was wearing an Oilers crop top with low-rise jeans, it looked good on her. Everything looked good on her to me. It's not my fault she always looked great, blame the universe for making someone so pretty. No, not pretty, gorgeous, lovely, magnificent, all words just don't seem to work, they just can't capture it. It's normal to think this. I know it is, why else would I be thinking about it?
She sat down across from me at the table and a thick uncomfortable silence set over the table.
“So…” She was looking somewhere else, not me. She seemed more awkward than her usual self. “Did you already order or were you still waiting for me?”
“Oh, I haven’t ordered yet, waiting for you.” The tension was so thick I could cut it with a knife, something was about to happen. Whatever it was it needed to happen so we could get over it and go back to normal.
“Well, I wasn’t gonna order, I had a big lunch and don’t really want anything.” I located what she was staring at it was a little raccoon cake pop, it looked like it was staring at a cookie like he wanted it. What a funny little display, stupid, but funny.
“Oh… ok that’s, ok… I didn’t want anything either” Why did we meet here? Neither of us wanted something from here, making it so much weirder. We should have just met up in a park instead of here. “Do you want to go outside and walk around?” Keeping uncomfortable, great.
“Uh,” she looked outside looking at the weather debating a yes or no. It wasn’t supposed to rain until far later so we should be fine. “Sure, why not.”
I got up first standing at the table waiting for her to stand, it felt like I was waiting forever but really it was just a second. We are running in awkward time, it stretches everything out. When she stood up we walked out of the cafe together, nothing in hand, a tense awkward silence around us. Perfect conditions to hang out in, I know right?
We walked in silence for a while Lainey needing to say something, me waiting to hear. I’d convinced myself at that point that we weren’t going to break this wonderful friendship up, so I was doing a bit better. However there was that little voice telling me to look at the tension between us, we weren’t going to be friends anymore, it was obvious. So while walking I was stuck in this loop of being ok and spiraling, seriously what was wrong with me today?
“I wanted to talk to you about something.” I was so in my thoughts I almost didn’t hear her speak. I wouldn’t have heard her at all if it weren’t for her tone sounding so serious and clenched, almost as if the words were forced out of her mouth instead of willingly coming out. When the words did travel to me I had to physically stop myself from shivering with a chill from her words.
“What is it?” My voice sounded so far away. It was so small and pathetic; it was obvious this was because Lainey halted in her steps when hearing it and looked back at me. She tried to give me a reassuring smile but it looked too sad to be that. She seemed to be forcing herself to do something she didn’t want to and I was worried. What was she about to do that would make her look so regretful without even doing it yet?
We came to a halt and she took a deep breath in and out before speaking “I don’t think we can be friends anymore…” That was it. My world crumbled down into nothing. If something happens over and over again you’d expect to get used to it to where it doesn’t bother you anymore. This is not the case for friendships as developed as this. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes but I didn’t let them fall, I couldn’t. She can’t know how much she’s hurt me with those words.
“Oh… ok... That’s… ok” I don’t know what to say I hate that I don’t know what to say. I can hear the tears in my voice, I feel the burn in my eyes. In a moment the air around us went from awkward, to whatever it is now, Is it pity surrounding us, is it tense, is it anger? Whatever it is I don't know and it’s only making me more stressed. My voice sounds so far away and so close at the same time, and what makes it worse is that Lainey’s not even looking at me. She’s looking straight ahead, I can’t see her face. I don’t know what she’s feeling about this for some reason my mind thinks she doesn't want it. I’m probably just lying to myself again.
We stood like that for what seemed an eternity, just standing, the sky kept getting darker and darker, it might rain soon. That didn't matter though, cause we just kept standing there, no words said, she didn't look at me but I looked at her, she looked blurry with the tears in my eyes but I swear I saw her shaking. Eventually, there was a sniffle with the words “I'm so sorry.”... It came from her. Why was she sorry, why did she feel she needed to say sorry? Did she feel bad for what she said? I'm so confused.
In my confusion, the rain finally came and I felt I was able to look around. There was no one around us, just us two in front of a park. She spoke again in a soft tone, “I'm sorry, I just can't be friends with someone I love.” … oh, she.. she loved me. Loved. Me?
“What, you what!?” I was so confused, how could she love me? And where did this come from, I don't understand what's going on. How does someone so great love me? How does she know that it's love and just not a strong admiration? How does she know that's what she's feeling? How does she know she isn't blowing this out of proportion?
The questions are reeling so fast in my head, that I can't think anything. I can't understand anything and the static in my heart is so loud. So loud I almost didn't hear her. But she always pulls me out of my thoughts. “You heard me, I love you” Her voice was shaky and filled with emotion. I still don't know if I believe her with this. I just don't know, but what I do know is that the raise is heavily contributing to the mood.
“How?”
“What?”
We both spoke in low voices not daring to be louder than the other. Letting our emotions show in our voices. When I asked “how” she flipped around to look at me, a hurt, confused look plaguing her face.
“How do you know you love me… what makes you think you do?”
She looked at me confused; no longer hurt, and I flushed and looked away from her. I was embarrassed because I must have said something wrong for her to be confused. I spoke in a panicked rush saying, “Sorry I just- no it's nothing, you don't have to say anything back it was just a simple stupid question.” I only flushed more when I was done talking.
“No, it's not stupid.” Her voice was lighter, a softer voice. The mood just ever so slightly lifted. “I know I love you because- well isn't it obvious? I mean you are so smart you make me look stupid, and you're so passionate about everything and you just seem to…I don't know, care more than everyone else about everything, and I… I don't know I just do. I know because I think about you even when you're not there and honestly it makes me mad. Why should I care so much about someone that I find myself thinking about them when I listen to freaking backstreet boys, backstreet boys, Bells. You make me furious because I'm supposed to be thinking about class, and how my history professor is the worst person ever but no, I’m thinking about you, and…I don't know, I just…” she trailed off. ”
I stayed silent looking at her. Well more so staring. I just didn’t know what to say. What can you say in a moment like now? And what are these stupid sappy feelings that are showing? What do I do with them? Is this meant to love, or am I just feeling this because she said something? Well, it’s not different from what I felt before. Wait… That’s what I felt before, love. I wasn’t being a normal friend, I was being an idiot in love. Why am I just now seeing this? Why am I so stupid that I didn’t see this before?
I stayed silent for who knows how long before Lainey spoke up again. “Are you ok? You seem like you’re having a whole revelation over there.” She sounded so confused and she wasn’t wrong I was having my own discovery over here in my mind but now that I know this I should be rational and calm-
“Iloveyoutoo.” What is wrong with me? Why can’t I do something not embarrassing? I know it’s not that hard. I know it isn’t.
Lainey looks at me surprised, which adds to the embarrassment I am currently feeling. I know my cheeks are red with embarrassment, I know how my body works. However, it takes a wild turn of events when she starts to laugh. A beautiful sweet laughter I loved listening to, I’m still embarrassed though.
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to-”
“No, you’re fine dear.” She spoke in her laughter and it was a symphony in my ears. I looked at her I didn’t remember ever looking down but I did. I knew I was red and it didn’t help that she called me dear, it definitely didn’t help. I probably look so red right now.
“I-” I sigh, I was done with myself currently. I was done with everything I was doing, done with how red I was with how stupid I was. I buried my head in my hands taking a step back trying to get my mind back to normal. I didn’t want to get overwhelmed with something stupid and simple like this.
“Sorry,” I was so in the moment I didn't realize that the rain had started to lighten up, still grey out and still raining but less so. Who knows the sun might even make an appearance soon, probably not.
She sighed, I think she finally realized that I wasn't going to be able to utter anything else because all she says is “It's ok,” … HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO RESPOND NOW?
I can't say sorry again because she already said it was okay. Taking away all the tricks in my book at once is not fair—not fair at all. What do I do, say, think?
I'm so lost in my own thoughts that I don’t notice when she walks to me and she kisses me. She actually kisses me. That shut me up instantly and I swear at that moment the rain clears up and the sun makes a few small peeks through the heavy clouds. So Cliche, right, well I don’t care I’m too caught up in this kiss.
We pull away and look into each other's eyes and well… It might be cringy and weird to think this but I can tell everything going to be ok. She’ll be there for me. I know there’s no way of really knowing this but I really believe it. I can feel that warmth and love radiating from her. It makes me want to be there with her through everything. Makes me want her to be with me and only me, and love me. She looks so beautiful like this, holding me, loving me.
There’s a soft smile on our lips and a mutual understanding that we weren’t friends anymore, that we were more than that. I know I don’t quite want to put a label on that yet though. I’m still trying to figure that all out, but I think she’s ok with that. Maybe I am thinking too much and blowing this out of proportion but there is one thing I do know…
“Dang it, Sophia and Emilee were right.”