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Homestar trudged along in the soggy, dirty snow carrying a bouquet of wilted roses. He wiped a tear from his eyes with his coat sleeve and blew his nose into the flower petals. He dropped the bouquet on the ground.
Marzipan had broken up with him, permanently this time, and on Valentine's Day, no less. He couldn't quite remember exactly what made Marzipan so sure that this was it. Maybe it wasn't so much one thing as much as a bunch of little things. Who cares, anyway? Not Homestar, that's for sure. At least now he knows this is the last breakup he'll ever have to go through with her.
He needed a friend to help him through this. Pom Pom would usually be by his side through anything, but he was probably busy with dates with like, ten girls today. He was always a ladies' man.
That left his next closest friend, Strong Bad. No doubt about it, Strong Bad hated Valentine's Day enough to make Homestar believe he probably didn't have any particular plans today. Homestar stopped in his tracks and considered it. Strong Bad wasn't much of an emotional guy, but that wasn't gonna stop Homestar from seeking his comfort. He took off in the direction of Strong Bad's house.
There, Strong Bad was brooding at his computer, scrolling through emails, not focused enough to read more than the subjects. His bedroom door was locked shut in case either of his brothers had the nerve to bother him on a day like this.
Outside that door, Strong Sad tapped lightly against it.
Strong Bad turned in his chair and threw his boot at it. “DON'T YOU DARE TRY THAT AGAIN, OR I'LL BEAT YOU TO SUCH A PULP I'LL MAKE ORANGE JUICE OUTTA YOU!” He paused, stuttering. “A-AND THEN I'LL FEED YOU TO THE CHEAT!”
Strong Sad flinched at the sound of his brother's yelling. “Will you shut up and act sane? Someone's at the door for you!”
Strong Bad clenched his fists. “Is it a girl?”
Strong Sad scratched the back of his neck. “No.”
“THEN I'LL GIVE YOU THE COUNT OF THREE TO START RUNNING!” Strong Bad shouted. It was an empty threat, he didn't feel like leaving his room at all that day. Nevertheless, it did get Strong Sad to leave him alone.
Strong Bad stood up and started punching and kicking the air. Tiring himself out, he collapsed on his back and started breathing heavily. At this point, even he knew he needed to calm down.
That was, until he heard a ‘thwap’ against his window.
“What the crap?” He mumbled, shaking his head.
He crawled stealthily over to his window and peeked through the blinds. Outside, he saw none other than Homestar gearing up to throw another snowball at his window like a cartoon baseball pitcher.
Enraged, he stormed downstairs and busted his front door open. He started at Homestar with a fist in the air, until he noticed Homestar was already crying. Wow. That… pretty much takes all the catharsis out of what he planned to do.
“You… you! You better have a good reason to be bothering me right now!”
Homestar sniffed. “Marzipan broke up with me,” he whimpered.
Strongbad clenched his teeth. “So what!?”
“For permanently, this time.”
“Wait, what?” Strongbad was taken aback enough to let himself relax. “For real?”
Homestar nodded, looking at Strongbad with big wet eyes. “Yeah.”
Strongbad had to force himself not to smile. Although it didn't affect him at all, this sounded like great news to him. “Doesn't sound like bad news to me,” he offered, trying to remain neutral.
Homestar tilted his head to the side. “What makes you say that?”
Strongbad shrugged. “Because, uhh, being single is great! You got no commitments! You're a free man!”
“I guess so,” Homestar said, trying to follow Strong Bad's point. “I guess I just don't feel like a free man. We were together for a long time.”
“No dude,” Strong Bad sighed, “You feel like you were together for a long time. Taking into account all the time you guys spent broken up since you first started going out, you've probably been together for a total of… like, two weeks.”
Smoke billowed out of Homestar's ears as he attempted to do the math in his head, all the while remembering days he spent with Marzipan over the past year or two. He couldn't handle thinking that hard. He decided to agree with Strong Bad. “Yeah, you're probably right.”
He hung his head. Strong Bad started tapping a foot in the snow. He racked his brain searching for something to say. Silently looking at a sad Homestar was incredibly awkward. “Hey, y'know what? That stupid hippie chick doesn't deserve you, anyway.”
“I dunno, don't you think I'm pretty stupid, too?”
“Well, yes, but perhaps slightly less so.”
Homestar finally smiled, though it was small. “Thanks Strong Bad, that means a lot. Especially coming from you.”
Strong Bad couldn't ignore the good he felt from making Homestar smile. He decided this was a small victory. He kicked at the snow. “So, uhh, how's about you come in and we can, I dunno, sit on the couch and crack open some cold ones? We can talk about your breakup revenge plan, or whatever.”
Homestar smiled bigger. “I can't think of anything better!”
Strong Bad led the way inside his house. Homestar stopped to look at the front door's hinges. “Man, you're pretty strong, Strong Bad. You totally damaged these door hinges when you came to greet me!” He tried to close the door behind himself. It wouldn't quite latch shut, now that the door was hinged from a new angle. He decided to leave it as close to closed as it could get. When he turned around, the wind just blew it open again.
Homestar sat down in the living room when Strong Bad came in with two bottles of cold ones. Homestar shivered when he touched the bottle Strong Bad was handing him. “I'll probably let mine get to room temperature, first," he said, setting the bottle on the floor.
“Whatever, man,” Strong Bad said, cracking his open and taking a swig. “So what's the plan here, are we keying her car or what?”
“Um, I don't know. I don't think she deserves that much, maybe we can toilet paper her house or something?”
Strong Bad hummed. “Can we settle on egging her house?”
“Eh, sure, I don't care.”
Well, with the revenge plan set, there wasn't much else for them to talk about besides… feelings.
“Y'know something Strong Bad?”
“What?”
“When I came over here, I expected myself to be sobbing into your shoulder, all heartbroken and incons… inconsequential…”
“Inconsolable?”
“Yeah, thank you. I expected myself to be incompatible, and only thinking about her and stuff. But I don't feel that bad anymore. Maybe I'm not as heartbroken as I thought I'd be.”
“Eh, as long as you're not sobbing into my shoulder I don't care that much,” Strong Bad lied. He did in fact care, even just a little bit, and he was listening surprisingly intentively.
“Maybe I didn't love Marzipan as much as I thought I did. I feel kinda bad about that. Not in a heartbroken way, but in a guilty way. I was probably a really bad boyfriend.”
“I wouldn't dwell on that. At least now she's probably relieved to be rid of you.”
“I should go apologize.”
“What? No, we were gonna egg her house, remember?”
“Oh, right.”
“Honestly, I can't believe you'd feel sad about not being sad. I knew you were stupid, but I didn't know you were complex in your stupidity.”
“Well, I'm a man of multilinguals.”
“Do you mean multitudes?”
“That's what I said, right?”
“I think if you're not heartbroken or whatever you should be happy with that. A bad relationship ended, and now you can get on with your life. And the guilt thing? Let's be real, you were a bad boyfriend for sure, but she was just as much a bad girlfriend. I mean, you did plenty of stupid stuff but she never really took the relationship seriously enough to try to make it work. She just dumped you every time you made a mistake!”
Homestar blinked twice. “Huh. I never thought of it like that. That was surprisingly insightful, Strong Bad.”
Strongbad smiled proudly. “Yeah, what can I say? To be a lady expert you gotta be a relationship expert. You should probably never talk to her again.”
“Uhh, I'll have to think about that one. I left some CDs at her house.”
“Were they that important?”
“They were super rare, and autographed.”
“Maybe we can grab those before we egg her house.”
“Can we do that later? I haven't even opened my cold one yet.”
“Oh, for sure. We're just chillaxing right now. Two single dudes bro-ing out on Valentine's day.”
“No other dude I'd rather spend my Valid-time with!” Homestar cheered, finally opening his bottle.
“Can you try not to make it sound gay?” Strong Bad grumbled.
Homestar rolled his eyes. “Don't be homophobic, Strong Bad, you know I'm gay.”
“Excuse me, say that again?”
“Well, I'm bi, and that counts for something.”
“Well I didn't know that!”
“That's no excuse to be insensitive.”
“Well, what if I'm bi, too? Huh, what if you thought of that?”
Homestar chuckled. “Are you?”
Strongbad couldn't bring himself to say anything. Not after already saying something so incredibly stupid.
“Hold on, are you?”
“I dunno! It's rude to ask, right?”
“Well, I guess you got me there.”
A beat of silence crept past. They both drank.
“So like, you like dudes?” Strong Bad asked.
“Sometimes.”
“What kind of dudes do you like?”
“Well, um, I dated Pom Pom once.”
“Not surprising. But how did you know you liked him?”
“Who doesn't like Pom Pom?”
“I don't!”
“Why are you so interested, then?”
“I'll be asking the questions here! If you could kiss any one guy in town, right now, who would it be?”
“I decline the right to pass.”
“Are you stupid? Wait, don't answer that.”
“What's your deal, Strong Bad? You're acting weird.”
“I'm not weird! You're weird! And I'm not homophobic, being gay or bi or whatever doesn't make anybody less of a man! And I'm not less of a man for admitting that!”
“Okay, I didn't disagree with that.”
“Yeah! We're both manly men and we're both bi!”
“Hooray!” They clicked their glasses together and drank again.
“Did you say you're bi?” Homestar asked.
Strong Bad flipped back into denial mode. “You didn't hear anything.”
“Hey Strong Bad, if you could kiss any guy…”
“I'm not answering that. I super decline answering that.”
“Oh, a double negative. So, who would it be?”
“You're stupid.”
“Okay, what if we both said our answers together?”
Strong Bad considered his options. “Okay, on the count of three.”
“Okay! One, two, three…”
“I'd kiss you!” Homestar admitted. Strongbad didn't say anything.
They stared at each other.
“What the heck, man!?” They said in unison.
“You tricked me!”
“You'd kiss me?”
“Not after that! You're so mean!”
“Shut up!” Strong Bad shivered. “Why is it so cold in here?”
Homestar's teeth clattered. “Don't try to ch-change the subject. Why'd you have to embarrass me like that?”
Strong Bad glanced around the room. “You idiot, did you leave the door open?”
“Not on purpose! It wouldn't shut. Like I said earlier, your manly strength warped the hinges.”
Strong Bad's face heated up. “You don't get to comment on my manly strength anymore!”
“Why not?”
“‘Cause you're a f-f…”
“What? A fairy? A fruit? A fa-”
“A FREAKING IMBECILE!”
Homestar stood up. “I think I'm gonna head home.”
When he went out the door, he didn't bother trying with it again. Strongbad watched as he walked away.
—--
Strong Bad slapped himself in the face. He wondered why he was so emotionally constipated. He had a chance to open up to someone who considered him to be a friend and he blew it with his weird impulsive toxicity. Whether Strong Bad wanted to kiss Homestar or not was not something he wanted to think about, but besides that, he could have at least bonded with someone over his greatest insecurity. He chugged down the rest of his cold one and went into the hallway.
Strong Sad's door opened as Strong Bad walked by.
“Hey, don't hurt me, but I think our heater is broken.”
“Your brain is broken, leave me alone.” Strongbad sighed.
“Gee, you're being awfully polite. What's wrong?”
“Reality is collapsing and Homestar's mad at me.”
“What in God's name did you do?”
“None of your business, dweeb! You're lucky you're not being digested by The Cheat right now as it is!”
“Oh, did he just realize what a douche you've been this whole time?”
“Y'know I just realized I don't have to be talking to you right now.”
“Whatever. If upsetting Homestar is devastating enough to collapse your reality, maybe you should go apologize.”
“What's that? Didn't hear you, I was too busy walking away. Nevermind actually, I just remembered I don't care.”
Strong Bad went into his room and hid under a blanket. Secretly, he was taking Strong Sad's advice into consideration. He probably should give Homestar some time, though, as well as himself. That stupid dork. Why did Strong Bad care enough about him to let him into his house in the first place? Why did he want to comfort that dumb idiot right now? Why did he push him away?
Was Strong Sad right? Strong Bad was a douche for sure, but he vowed to never let himself reflect on that. Guilt was a hell of a feeling, he'd sworn himself off it many years ago. Maybe it was time to change. Just for Homestar's sake, though. He still planned on tormenting Strong Sad later.
The covers weren't keeping him warm. He guessed now was as good a time as any to get up and do something. He put on a sweater and left his house.
His first stop was at Bubs’ concession stand. He figured it wouldn't hurt to sweeten his apology with a gift. He checked his pockets. He had some bottle caps, paperclips, two nickels and a quarter. It'll have to do.
“Hey Bubs, what kinda Valentine's days junk do you have available right now?”
“I'm fresh outta Valentine's treats, but you can have a plain chocolate bar and a plain piece of paper to make a card out of.”
“What, no flowers or nothing?”
“Oo, would you look at that? Little old Strong Bad's got a girl he wants to give flowers to! Tell me her name and where she's from and I'll give ‘em to ya for free!” Bubs laughed.
“They're for my grandma's tomb, you piece of crap.”
Bubs’ laughter died down quickly. “Uh, oh. My apologies. I'm uhh, sorry for your loss.” He handed Strong Bad a bouquet of red roses.
Strong Bad pretended to sniffle. “She was a good woman. A true patriot. She died of… heartbreak, when my grandpa cheated on her on Valentine's day. Anyways, goodbye.”
As Strong Bad walked away from Bubs he thought more about what made Homestar leave. He really seemed deeply hurt that Strong Bad would trick him into revealing that he wants to kiss him. Maybe his feelings were deeper than they seemed on the surface. It would make sense, right? He's always trying to spend as much time with the wrestleman as possible and nothing seemed to deter him from liking him so much. Well, except maybe that one thing…
But Strong Bad was gonna make it right! He'll apologize with a dozen roses and win back Homestar's affection, and- woah. Is that really what he wanted? He instinctively denied it, but a little voice in his head kept pushing. Why else would he go through all the trouble?
Oh no. Oh no, no, no. Strong Bad had it bad for Homestar Runner.
This was a cruel twist of fate. Strongbad looked at the flowers in his hands and contemplated his options. He could run away and start a new life under a new name… or he could apologize to Homestar, flowers in hand, on Saint Valentine's Day, practically declaring his undying love for the fool. Forget this!
Right as he was about to toss his bouquet on the ground, he saw another one blowing around in the wind. This one was wilting and dull in color, and appeared to have some kind of frozen slime on it. A tag was tied around the stems. Strong Bad squatted to get a closer look.
To Marzipan, from Homestar
Strong Bad clutched onto his own bouquet upon reading it. He remembered how pathetic Homestar looked standing outside his door earlier. He admitted he wasn't very heartbroken not long after, but he was made sad, at the very least. Now, Strong Bad wouldn't do just about anything to make Homestar happy, but he'd be willing to do a few things he's never done before. Starting now. He was gonna stick it to that hippie and give Homestar the Valentine's Day he deserves!
He took off again, and before he knew it, he was knocking on Homestar's front door.
“Come in,” came a sad voice from inside.
Strongbad opened the door to see Homestar fidgeting and pouting on his couch.
“Hey,” said Strong Bad.
Homestar looked up. His expression turned hopeful as he noticed the bouquet in Strong Bad's hands. “Hey.”
“So, um, can I come in?”
Homestar scooted over on the couch. “Come here.”
Strong Bad shivered again as he closed the door and made his way to sit next to Homestar. Immediately, he felt warmer.
Already, he wanted to call Homestar stupid and get up and leave, but once he sat down, he couldn't bring himself to move. He couldn't even speak. He just kinda stared at Homestar.
Homestar was looking back at him expectantly. “So… what brings you here? What's with the flowers?”
“You… ding-dong…”
“Are you okay?”
Finally, Strong Bad snapped out of it. “I am okay! And I came over here to tell you I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry I called you an imbecile, I'm sorry I was homophobic, and I- I'm sorry for tricking you.” He shoved the flowers into Homestar's chest and crossed his arms, avoiding eye contact.
Homestar wrapped his invisible arms around the bouquet and stared at Strongbad with glittering eyes. “Woah, I- I forgive you, Strong Bad. These are for me?”
“Don't act stupid or I'll take them back!”
“Yes sir!” Homestar cheered. He sniffed the flowers and sighed. “Thank you.”
“You shouldn't thank me. I'm a douche.”
“Pfft. I mean, yeah, but this is new. Flowers, apologies, it looks like you're turning into a leech!”
Strongbad looked at Homestar again. “A what?”
“Oh, that's not the right saying. Turning into a something… Turning anew? Something?”
“Oh my God,” Strong Bad laughed. “Turning a new leaf?”
Homestar laughed too. “Yeah, that's it! What's wrong with me? Into a leech!”
“But seriously, dude. I'm not turning over anything. This is a one-time thing and I'm only doing it for you, which means you can't tell anybody this is happening. If anybody asks, today I visited my grandmother's grave and did nothing else.”
“But why?”
“Because I feel bad for hurting your feelings. Which I normally never feel.”
“Why?”
“I dunno, it felt like kicking you while you were down. Marzipan just dumped you. It was too cheap.”
“Why do you care?”
Suddenly Strong Bad got very quiet. “Because I think I kinda like you.”
A giant smile spread across Homestar's face. “What's that, didn't hear you?” He taunted obnoxiously.
“Because I like you, you damn fool!”
Homestar giggled and tapped his toes. ”Oh, Strong Bad!” he swooned, “I had no idea you were such a cassanova!”
“What!? Are you making fun of me?”
“Aw, I would never! Not after such a precious declaration!”
“No, seriously, are you? I can't tell!”
“I- I can't tell either!” Homestar's face turned bright pink. “I like you too! Like, a lot!”
“Well, I mean, of course you do! I'm awesome!”
“You sure are! Ba-dum ba-dum, ba-dum ba-dum!”
“What's with the ba-dums?”
“That's my beating heart! I just got flowers from a guy who likes me! He must be my Valid-time!”
Strongbad sighed and hid his face behind his boxing gloves. “I'm not your Valid-time, I'm your Valentine.”
Homestar tackled Strong Bad into a hug and peppered kisses on the side of his face. “And he admits it!”
Strongbad thought about shoving Homestar away, or at least protesting. But what the heck? They were alone together, his reputation would be safe. And besides that, he did want to make Homestar happy. So instead of making him stop, he grabbed Homestar by the collar and pulled him in for a kiss on the lips.