Work Text:
Jiang Cheng and Jin Guangyao are two very happy twinks.
They have a great, wonderful, amazing nephew named Jin Ling that they are legal guardians of, and they loved and cared for him very, very very much.
Jin Ling has always been a rude little shit that’s secretly very sweet and kind, and from all the years spent with him they are completely aware.
However, what’s happening nowadays may be transcending tsundere into something much more terrifying.
“CHAT, MY SKIBIDI GYAT IS NOT MOGGING!!!” Jin Ling shrieked from the living room as his feet thudded against the ground as he jumped up from the couch to emote in anger from his game lagging.
Jin Guangyao peered over in concern as Jin Ling took an angry gulp from what he calls his “Chug Jug” but is actually just a really large 96oz Stanley Iceflow that he somehow managed to custom make into a bright yellow that's somewhere between canary and banana but horribly bright.
As Jin Ling put down his Chug Jug, which glowed radiantly in the sunlight, Jin Guangyao turned around to Jiang Cheng.
“Listen, I know we love Jin Ling and all, but I feel like an intervention may be required.”
Jiang Cheng snorted. “What are you talking about? I was a bit of a gamer back in the day and you know that I-”
He was abruptly cut off by a shriek. “EYYYYYYYY LETSGO I PULLED TARTAGLIA AUUHGHGHHHHFHFHFHFHFHFHFHFHFH FUCK YESSSSS”
“See, just a bit of harmless genshin. I play that too, in fact.” Jiang Cheng sighed. He was about to scream “NO CURSING YOUNG MAN” when he was cut off yet again.
Jin Ling was dancing in celebration. Jiang Cheng and Jin Guangyao looked over in horror as Jin Ling took a deep breath, moving his knee from side to side. ‘ONEEEE TWOOO BUCKLE MY SHOE THREEE FOURRRR BUCKLE SOME MORE FIVEEEE SIXXXX NIKE KICKS”
Jiang Cheng swallowed as the shrill singing flicked his eardrums, almost like he was making whatever he was about to say in Jin Ling’s defense slide into his stomach, where it will be dissolved in the pool of liquid with a pH ranging from 1.5-3.5, never to see the light of day again.
Jin Ling, bless him, finally stopped his knees from further shoe buckling and turned around.
He noticed Jiang Cheng and Jin Guanguao sitting at the kitchen counter looking at him blankly.
Jin Ling grinned and put a finger up to his jawline. “Jiujiu, xiao-shu, did I rizz with that tartagliussy pull???? Alpha celebration mew!!!” He said cheerfully as he ran his finger down his jaw.
Bro is being awfully nice today but he’s probably still riding the high from getting the gingy, anime ed sheeran ass bitch.
Did you understand what he just said? Jin Guangyao mouthed to Jiang Cheng, who mouthed back. No, not really. I’m beginning to see what you are talking about.
Jin Ling somehow did not hear them.
“Say, A-Ling, why do you use these… these terms?” Because to be honest, Jin Guangyao is going to put himself six feet under if he hears “mog” one more time.
“Well,” Jin Ling smiles. “It’s demure and mindful.”
WHAT, THE FUCK. Jin Guangyao’s hands itch. He wants no more than to personally track down the absolute dingus that invented these horrible words. He wants, NEEDS to make them SUFFER. He is about to kill-
“Xiao-shu, I’d loooove to continue yapping with you, but I need to go meet up with my friends. I promised them yesterday that I’d go out and get tea with them, NO CAP.”
Jin Guangyao closed his eyes. His duty is done, and he begs God to call him back to the murky soup of beginnings.
Jiang Cheng speedwalked over to the espresso machine, turned it on, and pulled the fridge open to look for a can of Monster Energy.
“Huh.” Jin Guangyao plastered a weak smile to his face and pulled out 20 dollars. “Well, don’t be back too late.”
“Thanks, xiao-shu!” Jin Ling says. He pauses for a second. “Oh, and they’re coming over tonight. Genshin night, you know. Isn’t it… bussin???”
After watching Jin Ling cheerfully skip out of the fucking door, Jin Guangyao rushes over to Jiang Cheng, rips his Monster espresso cocktail thing out of his hands, and downs half the thing in one mouthful.
“Oh, my god.” Jiang Cheng grits his teeth. “Where did we go wrong?”
“You let him play genshin.”
“Look, I played genshin too and I definitely didn’t turn out like that. I think it’s you who let him get Tiktok.”
“I thought it would be good for his social life! And it is!”
“BUT AT WHAT COST?”
“I tried getting him to stop, but he wouldn’t.” Jiang Cheng sighed. “At this point, I think he enjoys watching us suffer.”
Jin Guangyao suddenly smiled a little. “Come on, Chengcheng.”
“WHAT.”
“I’d say we should do some… research. Didn’t he say his friends are coming over soon?”
Jin Guangyao led the way to Jiang Cheng’s gaming laptop full of dog stickers sitting on the coffee table. Jiang Cheng trotted after him.
-
“JIUJIU XIAOSHU!!!” Jin Ling shouted into the apartment. “ WE’RE HERE!!”
“Oh, you all must be A-Ling’s friends.” Jin Guangyao smiled as he lightly stepped out into the living room, fully slaying that middle aged mother aesthetic.
“Well, welcome! I made grilled cheeses, some tomato soup, and I just doordashed some Kfc. You boys go make yourselves comfortable.”
The three other boys, Lan Sizhui, Lan Jingyi and Ouyang Zizhen, as they introduced themselves, shuffled around awkwardly. Can’t really blame them, they probably half expected this little speech to NOT come out of a short twink wearing a Barbie apron.
“Thank you,” Lan Sizhui started, then realized he didn’t know how to address Jin Guangyao. “Uh, um, erm, eh, uhm, ah-”
“My xiao-shu.”
“Ermmm, Jin Ling’s xiao-shu.”
Jin Guangyao smiled and smiled as he watched Jin Ling lead his little squad into his room and the voices and laughter increased in volume gradually.
Partly because he was relieved that Jin Ling has actually decent friends, but also partly because A-Ling will never know what hit him.
-
“Alright boys, I brought you food.” Jin Guangyao smiled as he stuck his head into the room. “Hope it tastes fanum tax.”
He put the tray down and left as Jin Ling’s eyes bugged out a little in horror.
“Um,” Lan Jingyi said. “Am I hallucinating or did your xiao-shu just say fanum tax at you?”
“YOU ARE HALLUCINATING.”
Jin Ling knows his friends won’t mock him for the shit they just heard because they are all pretty accepting people and also Lan Sizhui’s adoptive father is Wei Wuxian, Jin Ling’s other jiujiu.
Wei Wuxian is pretty fucking insane (In a fun way, not a horrifying way. Well, 99.99% of the time.) but also very respectable, just like how ALL (uh, most) of Jin Ling’s many, many, many uncles are all respectable people.
But hearing Jin Guangyao brainrotting is kind of like the feeling one would get when they find out and witness firsthand that their dog being, erm, frisky to their favorite plushie of their waifu.
It is a truly diabolical feeling.
Luckily, Lan Jingyi has the attention span of a hamster and promptly starts to dig into the food, his cheeks inflating with grilled cheese and fried chicken mush like an actual hamster!
Jiang Cheng’s in the next room playing with the family husky, Fairy, who thankfully does not have romantic inclinations towards Jin Ling’s Xingqiu plushie. Jin Guangyao has retired to his room to binge watch Netflix.
The food and the game was getting good when suddenly, Fairy manifested...
Fairy leapt majestically in the air.
Onto Jin Ling’s bed.
Where his Xingqiu plushie sat.
Jin Ling definitely didn’t expect to have the fortune of experiencing that horribly specific feeling TWICE tonight when Fairy sank her teeth into Xingqiu and began towing him away. What, the sigma even is this entire household?
A clatter of slippers was heard in the hallway as Jiang Cheng rushed into the room.
Jin Ling breathed a sigh of relief. Jiujiu was coming to rescue his favorite in-game pookie!
Jiang Cheng slid to a halt in front of Fairy in his big furry Kuromi slippers. The fur on these slippers are so long and hairy and thick that each slipper was quite literally the size and approximate shape of Jiang Cheng’s head.
Jin Ling has long stopped questioning his jiujiu’s questionable loungewear choices, so he just pointed at Fairy sitting there and chewing on Plushie Xingqiu.
Jiang Cheng licked his lips in preparation for the unleashing of a yapping.
The fur on the Kuromi slippers rustled and swayed in the breeze like two Kuromi colored wheat fields.
Jiang Cheng opened his mouth.
“Fairy, what in the SKIBIDI GYAT are you DOING??????”
Jin Ling felt his vision go dark for a second. WHAT THE FUCK!?
“GIRLIEPOP, WHAT YOU ARE DOING HERE IS NOT VERY FANUM TAX! PLEASE STOP DAMAGING A-LING’S TWO DIMENSIONAL POOKIE, HE LITERALLY NEEDS IT FOR GLAZING PURPOSES. ERM FAM YOU ARE LOSING AURA. FAIRY, YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS. YOU ARE TOO CHAD ALPHA.”
Lan Sizhui’s eyes widened in slow motion.
Ouyang Zizhen propelled himself across the smooth glossy floor under the bed to keep from shitting himself.
Lan Jingyi’s current mouthful of fried chicken fell onto his lap.
Jiang Cheng was by no means done. He pulled Plushie Xingqiu, sopping wet out of Fairy’s mouth.
“Look at him! You’ve ruined his DRIP. His FIT OF THE DAY. It’s NOT GIVING. Fairy, we love you. Please STOP BEING AN OPP. This OPPOSITIONAL BEHAVIOR IS NOT SKIBIDI, CUTESY OR DEMURE. NO CAP FAM.”
Jin Ling would have wanted to kill himself but he was too busy pinching his leg, Fairy’s legs, everybody else's legs to try to wake himself up.
The door creaked open Jin Guangyao walked girlbossingly into the room, wearing his 6 inch platforms. He was about to go to the spa like the absolute short king he is.
Surveying the shocked, horrified, struggling not to laugh, mentally unwell room, he turned to Jin Ling and grabbed both his wrists to prevent any further leg pinching activities as he was absolutely laying waste to Ouyang Zizhen’s legs sticking out from underneath the bed.
“What’s wrong, A-Ling?”
Jin Ling had a destroyed look on his face as he shook his hands free and extended them towards Lan Sizhui’s ankles.
“A-Ling, bro," Jin Guangyao sighed. "Just put the fries in the bag.”
The world faded and the voices blurred around Jin Ling as he collapsed, foaming at the mouth.