Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Hey, Macaque, something’s been bugging me.” Bai He turned to the celestial primate as she retied her shoe.

“Punch them in the stomach and then when they’re doubled over, smack them in the head. They’ll fall like dominos.” Macaque smirked at his protegee.

“Not like that.” Bai He laughed, rolling her eyes. The shadow monkey’s answer didn’t surprise the little girl. 

Macaque’s lessons had been pretty helpful in the past few days. She could better summon the ice from her hands, and the meditations had been allowing her to feel just how much of her being had been affected by the full amount of The Lady Bone Demon’s powers swirling inside herself… But it still didn’t explain the odd, uh, emptiness inside. It wasn’t a bad emptiness, per se. It was kind of like finding out your favorite pair of socks had a tiny hole in the heel. 

A tad annoying, but not bothersome.

But outside of that, most of Macaque’s teachings boiled down to ‘Hit first and hit harder’. 

“Your first strike should be your last strike. Every time you attack, give it everything you've got!” Macaque told the little girl as she took her first few swings at a punching bag. Bai He exhaled, wiping the sweat from her face before going at it another round. “You have power inside you-- Use it . Take the power and destroy . Remember; you don't use a weapon, you are a weapon!”

Bai He was exhausted by the end of most training sessions, but she was still happy to be here and, as a bonus, she was starting to do better in gym class already! She was so far the only girl in her class who could do more than two push-ups and was able to make it halfway up the rope. Bai He wanted to beat the class record for push-ups and be the first kid in her class to make it up the rope.

So she would take the exhausting training sessions as well as the boring meditation sessions. They were helping her out.

“What’s the problem, kiddo?” Macaque leaned causally against the shadows. Bai He finished tying her shoe and plopped onto her backside, taking Macaque’s cue that this was now break time (MK had been very insistent that if Macaque was going to be mentoring Bai He, breaks were a necessity).

“Well, I was thinking back to when we first, officially met PB, outside the hospital I mean. Before we went into the sewer.”

“Yeah, that was certainly… a way to spend a Saturday.” Macaque shook the more unpleasant memories of that day away before turning back to his protege. “Any particular reason you’re thinking about that?”

“It’s something that PB said.”

“Mhmm?”

“Well, you introduced yourself as the Six-Eared Macaque, but PB pointed out that you only have Two Ears .” Bai He tilted her head. “So why are you called the Six -Eared Macaque when you only have Two Ears?”

“Ah, that…” Macaque sighed, an anxious smile on his face as he avoided Bai He’s curious gaze. “Well, the truth is, I do have Six Ears… I just don’t like showing them off.”

“Oh,” Bai He’s mouth was a thin line. Then she looked at him and asked “Why?”

“It’s mostly for my own sanity.”

“Buh?”

“You know how annoyed you get when someone is playing really loud music on the bus without headphones while sitting right next to you?”

“Ugh, it’s the worst!”

“Well, if I didn’t cover my other ears, that’s how it would be for me. All of the time . Except instead of loud music, everything is loud and annoying and I hate it.”

“So it’s kinda like wearing headphones?”

“I suppose so.”

“Cool… what’s the other reason you don’t show your ears?”

“What’d you mean?”

“You said it’s mostly for your sanity. Keyword: Mostly.” Bai He smirked at him.

Macaque’s anxious smile shrunk to a hidden, proud smirk. My kid is so dang smart, he thought with no small amount of happiness and pride. Then, he frowned, thinking of the other reasons why he would hide his ears.

“Why do you hide your ears all the time?” Wukong asked him. “It makes no sense!”

The two were lazily lounging atop some branches in one of the many peach trees Wukong had planted. Said monkey was currently stuffing his face with about half a dozen stone fruits as he spoke, while Macaque found himself pulling duty as a glorified pillow for the litter of monkeys that had followed the celestial primates into the tree. Most were quietly napping, others were picking the bugs out of Macaque’s fur, and one was trying to bite Macaque’s tail--Macaque just kept moving his tail out of the way. It didn’t help, now the baby Monkey thought it was a game.

Macaque avoided the King’s gaze. Memories of shrill, booming, and judgemental laughter echoed in his head. “I just… don’t think it would be a good idea to show all of the others…”

“What’re you talking about? It’s a great idea!” Wukong spread his arms out wide, a big, stupid grin on his face, eyes shining like stars in the sky. Macaque cringed lightly at the partially chewed chunks of peaches the King was showing off. “You can hear everything , you hear all sorts of cool, future songs from your ears, and they’re really pretty. Who wouldn’t want to show off such cool powers?”

Heat rushed to Macaque’s cheeks, and the six ears in question. Still, he wasn’t certain.  “I just… don’t know if I can trust them, is all…”

Macaque hummed thoughtfully, closing his eyes. His former brothers were not here anymore, just a little girl who for some reason decided he was worth the effort of friendship. Macaque pondered for a moment if he really trusted Bai He, and then instantly came up with the answer.

Yes. Yes, I do.

So, he inhaled once, and then, on the exhale, a shimmer of purple surrounded his ears. A light gasp echoed through his dojo.

The cocky smile on his face, Macaque winked one eye open to see Bai He’s response.

Mouth opened in a tiny, little ‘O’ of surprise, and eyes wide and filled with starry wonderment, Bai He stared at her mentor in nothing short of pure awe. She immediately crawled toward Macaque like a kid crawls toward the last present under the Christmas tree. Upon reaching him, she pulled herself up into his lap to get a better look.

Macaque was momentarily startled by Bai He’s sudden movements and proximity, but he relaxed once she settled herself in his lap. He expected her to reach out for his ear, to try and grab them as so many baby monkeys had done in the past. But she didn’t. She just sat there and stared at his ears like they were actual stars from the sky themselves.

“Can you really hear everything?” Bai He asked in a hushed whisper.

Macaque nodded, appreciating Bai He’s quiet tone. “Everything.”

“Like what?”

With a smile, Macaque tilted his head to one side and listened. “The Gold and Silver demon's latest scheme is about to quite literally blow up in their faces in three… two… one…”

A faint, distant sound of some fireworks going off echoed far beyond the dojo’s walls. Along with the faint, oddly cockney, cursing of a certain pair of infamously idiotic demons. Bai He giggled and Macaque found himself chuckling along. 

It had been a long time since someone reacted so kindly to his ears.

He rather liked it.

Bai He turned back to him. An eager, pleading grin on her face. Macaque knew her question before she even asked it, no special hearing required. “Can I touch them, please? If it’s ok, that is.”

Macaque placed his hands at his side, nodding with a smile. Bai He reached tentative, eager hands up towards Macaque’s six ears. She marveled at how soft they were and reasoned that Macaque must take extra good care of them, considering how sensitive they were. But what Bai He liked, was how colorful the sets of ears looked.

The center set of ears was a light purple color, the top set a rosy pink, and the bottom set a pale blue. Bai He grinned, petting the fur on Macaque’s ears like it was a kitten.

The (actually appropriately named) Six-Eared Macaque, smiled at his protege and wiggled his ears. Bai He gasped in delight, eyes wider and starry-er than ever, as she continued to marvel at her mentor’s ears. “So cool!” Bai He beamed. “Soft too…”

Macaque smiled back. Showing her his ears had been a good idea, he decided.

Chapter Text

“Mei, Mei! Mei, look!” MK was flapping his arms up and down excitedly, pointing to the sign in front of the electronics store. 

“What is it?” Mei asked. One hand was holding the strawberry kiwi smoothie she had been sipping, the other was pulling PB by her hand. The trio had stopped for smoothies during MK’s lunch break and were now just wandering the city. 

MK—peach and mango smoothie in hand—had jogged ahead when something caught his attention. Now he was waiting for his two best friends to catch up with him. 

PB raised a brow as she loudly slurped her blueberry and banana smoothie. “I think MK’s pointing at that cool poster with the mustache man in red overalls driving the car.”

Mei’s eyes widened as she pulled PB along to catch up with MK. Sure enough, there was a big, bright new poster advertising Plumber-Monkey GoKart 8 Plus Ultra: Booster Pack Deluxe . MK and Mei started squealing and jumping in delight. 

“New Plumber-Monkey game! New Plumber-Monkey game!” The duo cheered. They had been long-time fans of the franchise. With their first experience being Plumber-Monkey Sunshine on the GameBrick. They played just about every game in the franchise afterward (be it Mainline games, GoKart racing spinoffs, Party Mingames, or even The Brawl Games), and thanks to Pigsy’s family saving most of his stuff after he moved out, they were able to play some of the older games. 

“Sixteen new courses!” MK read one of the taglines. 

“Twelve new waves of content? New racers included!” Mei echoed. 

“We have to get that game.” The besties decided. 

PB slurped more of her smoothie before asking, “When you guys get it, can I play too?”

“Oh, of course!”

“We couldn’t think of a better player three.”

“Yay,” PB smiled. “So how much moneys does this Plumber Kart game cost?”

“Oh, it costs… sixty bucks ?!” MK and Mei balked at the price. 

“So… is that more or less than the smoothies?” 

PB had mentioned off-handedly to Sandy a few days ago how one day she would like to sell her more beneficial potions to the general public one day. One of the many hurdles that was in her way was PB’s entire lack of understanding of how money worked. Pigsy and Tang had made up a small quiz for her to take to kind of gauge her knowledge, and she had failed it spectacularly. Leading the two men to describe her financial awareness as “Uniquely terrible”. PB’s other friends had been trying to help her learn more about money and, while it was a slow-going process, she finally understood that certain bills and coins were worth different amounts and that you can combine them to get a total sum. 

What she didn’t understand was the consumer value of a product. In PB’s head,  the sixty dollars of MK and Mei’s game was no different than the twenty-five they had just spent on their smoothies. So the clarification was necessary. 

MK and Mei began to frantically dig through their pockets. Looking for any spare change they could put into their new cause. 

“I got ten bucks.” MK held up the wadded bill. 

“I’ve got five.” Mei held out some loose change and a few wrinkled bills. 

“So, none of us have enough money.” MK sighed. “Dang it. I got excited for Virtual GoKart shenanigans after my shift.”

“I’ve got this. Does that help?” MK and Mei looked over to see PB rooting in her dress’s tiny pockets, only to somehow pull out an entire squirrel. 

“… Peebles how long has that squirrel been in your pocket?” MK asked. 

“Oh, I picked him up outside of the Smoothie Shop.”

“How did he fit in your dress pocket?” Mei inquired. 

PB shrugged. “I dunno. I gave him a bit of my smoothie and he just kinda…” PB did her best impression of a folding lawn chair before turning back to her friends. “Y’know?”

“So are we gonna get into why you just picked up the squirrel or—?” Mei began but was cut off by MK. 

“Save it for a different episode. How are we gonna get forty-five bucks before the shop closes?” 

“We could do some hard and honest work and earn the money the right way?” PB offered, parroting one of Pigsy’s lessons on money word for word. 

“We could… but that’ll take too long.”

“Oh, I know!” Mei smirked at her two best friends. “I know how we can get that money, and it’s gonna be quick and hilarious.”

“Hi, Welcome to McDonalds!” Macaque greeted. He had just finished wiping down the mess from the ice cream machine when he heard the doorbell chime, signaling a new customer. He continued the rehearsed greeting as he turned. “What can I get for— leave .” Macaque glared at the new customer. 

“Macaque, you work here?” MK asked happily, with a stupid grin plastered on his face. 

“Yes, I do. Now leave .”

“Why so hostile?”

“Because we have had this conversation eleven times already.”

“I feel like I would remember that…”

“You clearly can’t. Because by some act of the universe, you are catastrophically stupid enough to leave, memento, come back in, and have the exact same reaction to the exact same piece of information !”

MK was not listening to Macaque’s angry rant. He was instead looking up at the ceiling. “Was that a ladybug? Eh, probably.” The young hero turned to look back at the server, “Macaque, you work here?” MK asked with a stupid grin plastered on his face. 

“Dammit.” Macaque cursed. 

“MK, what’s the hold-up?” Mei asked as she walked into the restaurant. “We’ve outside waiting for—Macaque, you work here?”

“ Gods dammit.” Macaque was regretting every decision he made to get where he is today. 

“Guys, the squirrel is getting antsy.” PB walked into the restaurant with her hands suspiciously stuffed into her dress pockets. “Are we getting fries or—Mr. Maquack, you work here?”

“ Gods dammit to all of hell .”

“Wait a minute, why do you work here?” Asked Mei, as if Macaque hadn’t seen her and her dragon parents two weeks ago when they came in for lunch. 

“We can’t all be nepo-hatchlings, Dragon Girl.” Macaque rolled his eyes. The Earth Trio just stared at him blankly. Macaque sighed, “I just insulted you, Mei.”

“Aw,” Mei pouted. PB took one hand out of her pockets to pat her best friend on the head consolingly. 

“Hey,” MK spoke up, “can I get the—?”

“We do not have Szechuan Sauce.”

“How did you know I was gonna ask for that?”

“Because in eleven iterations of this conversation, you have exclusively asked for the Szechuan Sauce! And when you find out we don’t have it, you ask for—”

“Guess I’ll just have the Chicken Fries.” MK shrugged. 

Macaque slammed his hands on the counter while glaring at MK. “ Die. ”

“Macaque,” Mei said. “Macaque. Mac. Mac-Attack. Mac-book. Mac-Donadls. Macaroni-and-Cheese.” The mystic monkey in question’s eye began to twitch, but that was so far his only reaction. “Macadamia Nut. Macarons. Macaculations. Ma-Canada. Ma—”

“ What? ”

“I wanna order food!”

“Great, fantastic!” Macaque aggressively punched the computer screen, ready to finally take an actual order since this whole ordeal started. “What do you want?”

“…I didn’t think I would get this far.”

“ Die also .”

“Mr. Macaque?” PB raised her free hand like a student waiting to be called in math class. 

“Yes, PB?” Macaque asked through gritted teeth. “What is your question?”

“Um, I was wondering, if I give you Money, will you give us food.”

“If it means the three of you leave and avoid me like the plague for a year, I can work with that.”

“Great! Here you go~” PB reached into her pocket, and pulled out an entire fistful of squirrel. Beaming like a cat delivering a mangled bird corpse to its owner. 

“…PB… why are you handing me a squirrel from your pocket?”

“… Because his name is Money~”

“ Die in a ditch .” Macaque pointed at PB. Then he turned his glare to Money the Squirrel. “And I don’t know what part you had to play in this, but you are on thin ice .”

Money the Squirrel sighed sadly, burying his head in shame. 

“Hey!” MK stared at Money the Squirrel’s downtrodden expression. “Who’s making my buddy Money upse— Macaque, you work—? ”

“That’s it!” Macaque opened a shadow portal up behind him, reached into it, and pulled out a wad of cash. “I’ve got fifty bucks right here. Now how much is it gonna take for you three too—”

Mei reached out and yanked the cash out of Macaque’s fist before he could finish. “I’ve got the money, book it guys!”

“To the video game store, and Monkey-Plumber GoKart Racing!” MK was hot on Mei’s heels as she ran out of the restaurant. 

“Lead the way Money!” PB followed after her friends, holding the squirrel out in front of her like a dowsing rod. 

Macaque stared at the spot the three young heroes just stood at, fists still raised even though the money was long gone. It took him all to five seconds to digest the information, to understand that MK, Mei, and PB had used their goofball tendencies to annoy him into complacency, to understand that he just got scammed. “Fuck!”

Chapter Text

“So,” PB tilted her head curiously, staring at her fist in mild confusion. “What’s this game called again?”

“Rock, Paper, Scissors!” MK explained. 

“How do we play?”

“One of us says “Rock, Paper, Scissors, shoot” and on shoot, we throw out one of the options. Rock, where you make a fist, paper, where you lay your hand flat, or scissors, where you hold up to fingers like this.” MK held up two fingers and pretended to clink them together like tongs. 

“Oooh, ok.” PB then copied his motions. She struggled with scissors until MK reached over and fixed her fingers for her. 

Tang observed the duo with a smile while Pigsy took care of PB’s empty bowl. It was just after 3 PM, the last little bits of the late lunch rush had died down, and MK had come back from his latest delivery to find no new orders in the queue, and PB chowing down on a bowl of noodles. 

MK had decided to spend his break with PB before returning to work. PB had suggested playing a phone game, but MK remembered the last time he let PB borrow his phone, so he hesitantly suggested a simpler game, like Rock, Paper, Scissors. 

PB, to MK’s lack of surprise, had never played before. So, MK had taught her the basics. 

“You got it, Peebles?” He asked, readying his fist. 

“Yup, yup, yup! I’m ready!” PB cheerfully replied, copying his stance. 

“Ok. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!” A pause, as the two friends threw at their hands. “I win!” MK cheered. 

“What? How?!” PB asked, looking between MK’s rock and her scissors in confusion.

“You probably should have explained the rules to her first, MK,” Tang said. 

“Oh, right. Sorry, PB. Well, in rock, paper, scissors it goes like this: Rock crushes scissors, Scissors cut paper, and paper covers rock.” MK explained while demonstrating the motions on his hand. Miming crushing scissors with his fist, cutting paper with two fingers, and laying his flat hand over the rock. 

“But that doesn’t make any sense,” PB told him. “Scissors could definitely crush a rock.”

Tang looked over at the girl in confusion. “What rocks and or scissors have you been using?”

“I can prove it!” PB glanced into the kitchen behind the front counter, spotting a pair of kitchen shears. Before MK or Tang could stop her, she hopped the counter and was striding towards the utensils. 

“Poppy, get outta my kitchen!” Pigsy protested, trying to shoo her away. The potionologist just breezed by the chef, grabbing the shears and turning back to MK and Tang. 

“Ok, now I just need a rock.” She shrugged, clutching the shears like a knife in her hands. Pigsy was starting to sweat a bit. 

While Pigsy tried to covertly and delicately get the shears out of Poppy’s hands, Tang nervously tugged at his shirt collar. “Um, well, I, uh—Poppy, honey. Rocks beat scissors because they’re not strong enough to break them. That’s why Scissors lose to Rock. 

PB humphed. “I’m strong enough to break a rock with scissors.”

“But, you’re the only one who’s strong enough to do that, probably,” MK explained as he y as possible. 

“So, if I’m playing, scissors should lose to rock,” PB said this matter-of-factly. “If it’s based on strength—”

“It isn’t.” The three men chorused. 

“—then scissors should win.”

“That’s not really how the game works…” MK trailed off sheepishly. 

“I just need to find a rock and prove it to you guys!” PB crossed her arms, unknowingly fooling Pigsy’s attempts to snatch the shears from her. 

“Even if that was the problem here—which it isn’t—where are you going to find a big enough rock?” Tang questioned. “We’re in a metropolitan area.”

“Hey everybody!” A new voice rang out in the empty restaurant. “What’s the haps? … People still say that right?”

MK turned to see Monkey King standing in the doorway, trying to hide the fact that he was cringing at his mentor’s attempts to be cool. “Uh… I think I heard some people use it at the pharmacy the other day?”

“Sooo… that’s a yes?”

Monkey King was here because the Monkie Kids had decided to do a hang-out session this afternoon. They were going to have an early dinner at Pigsy’s before going to the Anti-Gravity Arcade. Sandy had originally been asked to pick up Bai He (who would be finishing up school for the day fairly soon) but he had texted the group chat about an hour ago asking if someone else could swing by and pick up Bai He, as he had a sudden therapy session get rescheduled and wouldn’t be able to make it in time. Mei answered the call and volunteered to pick up Bai He in the gentle giant’s place. Having left to go grab the girl not long before MK showed up from his last set of deliveries. 

It took MK a full hour and a half of begging, bargaining, and some light blackmailing to convince Monkey King to tag along, and even then it didn’t work. It took MK admitting that he was worried about the Monkey King shutting himself off from everyone before he agreed. The Great Sage folded like a stack of cards and MK made a mental note to just jump straight to guilt-tripping next time he wanted to convince his mentor of something. 

MK had tried to convince Macaque to come as well, but he declined, citing he was swamped with work at the theatre. MK, who didn’t know he was employed there, just shrugged and said he would see him next time. 

PB stared at the newcomer like a dog stares at a stranger in their home. She tilted her head curiously before a light flickered on behind her eyes. She raised the shears and pointed straight at the Great Sage. “Mr. King!”

“Pops!” Monkey King copied her stance. Then blinked when he saw what she was holding. “Why are you holding scissors?”

“You hatched from a stone egg, right? That’s what Mr. Tang said when he told me about The Journey to the West. You were born from a stone egg, and that’s why they called you the stone monkey, right?”

“Uh, yeah. That’s it… Can we please circle back to the you holding scissors thing?”

“And stones are like rocks, right?”

“I mean, I’m pretty sure that’s how synonyms work. Boy, you sure do look, excited, Pops.” Monkey King smiled lazily and bemusedly as the girl bounced in place. Her eyes were sparkling like she just had a great idea. 

Behind her, MK, Tang, and Pigsy paled. Looking and feeling incredibly nervous right now. 

“So,” PB leaned over the counter a bit, “that means you’re the rock monkey, right?”

“If you wanna call me that, sure!”

“So you’re strong and made out of rocks then, right?”

“I mean, I’m way stronger than some rock.”

“Even better! You can help me prove my point, Mr. King.”

“And what point would that be?” 

The Monkey King only had a split second to react as PB launched herself over the counter and straight at him, scissors raised high above his head. 

“Thanks again for picking me up from school, Mei!” Bai He shouted over the wind rushing past them. “It’s nice riding on your bike when the city isn’t in danger.”

“Maybe I’ll take you on a ride sometime. How’s that sound, Little Lily?” Mei called back. 

“Sounds good to me!”

The dragon bike slowed down as it turned the corner and, peeking over Mei’s shoulder, Bai He could feel her stomach start to growl in anticipation. “Oh man, I’m so excited. I’m gonna eat, like, an entire mega bowl of noodles today!”

“Someone’s hungry,” Mei chuckled, putting on the brakes. 

“I gotta build up my strength if I’m gonna beat you and MK at Smash-Bash-Revolution later.” Bai she taunted. 

“Ohohoho, you are on , Little Lily.” Mei grinned eagerly at the challenge. Pulling up to the curb closest to the Noodle Shop, Mei kicked out the stand and tilted her bike gently until it stopped. 

Bai He slid off, tugging her little pink helmet off as Mei climbed off the bike after her. The little girl handed the helmet to the driver. Mei snickered. “Nice helmet hair, Bai He.”

The little girl snickered back. “Like yours is better?”

“Touché, touché.” Mei set both helmets on either handle. “Now, you ready for some noodl—”

“Get away from me, you nut job!” Mei and Bai He turned just in time to see Monkey King bounding out of the Noodle Shop, looking like he had just seen a ghost. 

“Come back, Mr. King! I need you to help me prove a point!” Poppy Blue came charging after him. Scissors raised like a knife above her head as she chased the Great Sage down the street. 

“PB, stop! This isn’t how you play the game!” MK ran out an instant later, desperately trying to catch up with his friend and save his mentor. 

“And I’m at least 32% certain the stone egg thing was an allegory all along!” Tang panted as he ran after MK and the others. 

“And don’t run with scissors, it’s dangerous!” Pigsy came out last, looking angry and fearful as he picked up the caboose of this odd and horrifying train. 

The two girls looked on in horror and confusion as PB chased Monkey King down the street and around the corner, out of sight. The Noodle Family hot on her heels, trying to explain three different things at the same time to her. Mei blinked once and then grabbed Bai He’s little pink helmet and pushed it onto the little girl’s head. 

“Mei, what’re you doing?” Bai He turned to ask Mei, seeing the dragon-horse girl sliding her bike helmet back on. 

“Back on the bike, Bai He,” Mei told the girl. Once Mei slid on, Bai He climbed back on as well. Wrapping her arms around Mei as the bike’s engine revved back to life. But to Bai He’s surprise, Mei didn’t turn the bike around to chase after their friends. Instead, she pulled away from the curb and sped off in the complete opposite direction of not only the direction their friends ran but also the Noodle Shop entirely. 

“Where are we going, Mei?”

“We’re just taking the scenic route, Little Lily,” Mei answered with a shrug. “Nothing to worry about.”

“Shouldn’t we go back and help them?”

“You do realize Monkey King was running from PB, who was holding scissors, right?”

“… Yeah, good point. Can we drive by the park?”

“I don’t see why not.”

“Yay~”

Chapter Text

“—and then he said that it’s not just shapes I create in the shadows, but what the shadows can become!” Bai Be eagerly explained as Tang nodded past his slurping of a noodle. 

“So, it’s not just about the shadows themselves, it’s also about shapes?”

“Yeah, yeah! Macaque says that different shapes of shadows can affect what they can do for battle!”

“Fascinating,” Tang smiled and turned to fish out a pen and a paper pad from his bag. As the scholar scribbled notes down, Pigsy came over to the counter with a bowl of noodles, setting them in front of Bai He with a raised brow. 

“He ain’t pushing you to do that kind of stuff already, is he?” The chef asked. “You just started your training after all.”

“No, he’s not. He just wanted to give me a goal to work towards.”

The chef nodded his acquiescence as MK and Mei strolled through the door. There had been a small demon attack on the other side of the city, but it was easy enough for the two besties to deal with. MK tussled Bai He’s hair as he and Mei slid into their usual seats. “Everything ok over here?”

“Yes. Bai He was just telling us about the shadow techniques Macaque was showing her.”

“Ooh! I forgot the best part.” Bai He grinned. “When he was done talking, Macaque demonstrated by making the shadow of a dog appear on the walls, and then the shadow puppy leaped out and ran around me like a real puppy!”

Mei’s eyes widened at this information. “Macaque has a dog?” 

“Well, no? It’s a—”

“Macaque has a dog?!” MK echoed Mei’s statement. The two besties were looking rather excited. 

“Technically yes? It’s a shadow dog! He can summon it and any other animals from the shadows… if he feels like it.”

“He can summon puppies whenever he wants?!!” Mei’s grin stretched to her ears and MK was practically vibrating with excitement. 

“Yes, he can.” Bai He eyed the two besties suspiciously. “And I cannot stress enough that the important thing to remember here is Macaque can summon it whenever Macaque wants to.”

“This isn’t gonna end well for Macaque,” Pigsy observed from the kitchen. 

“What do you mean?” Bai He turned to ask him. 

“Those two get tunnel vision around cute animals—especially dogs.”

“MK and Mei aren’t gonna do anything stupid are—and they’re already gone, wow. Didn’t even hear them leave.” Bai He deadpanned as she stared at the empty MK and Mei shaped spaces that used to occupy the seats next to her. 

“… For the record, yeah. They are gonna do something stupid to get Macaque to show them the dog.” Tang said. 

“Yeah, yeah. I gathered as much… I should text him and warn him, right?”

“Probably,” Pigsy shrugged. 

“It’s the polite thing to do.” Tang nodded. 

“What do we do, Chadley? I thought they were dead!” 

“Far worse, Trixandra! They’re… Nearly Almost Dead But Not Quite !”

Macaque shoved another fistful of popcorn into his mouth as he watched the movie. He raised a brow, not quite getting the terror of this situation. The zombies on TV seemed slow and stupid, why not just power walk away from them?

“Ah! My face is being eaten a lot!” Cried Chadley, the golden boy protagonist. 

“This is a weird movie,” Macaque observed as he swallowed his popcorn. 

Knock-knock-knock-knock-knock!

The shadow master raised a brow at the incessant knocking at his door. Living in a warehouse where only a select few knew it doubled as a house had its perks, one of those perks being no one ever bothered him. But it was 4:30 on Tuesday afternoon. He wasn’t expecting company (he hardly invited anyone over), Bai He wasn’t scheduled for training today, and PB wasn’t supposed to come over until tomorrow for their next round of teleportation studies—and even then the knocking didn’t sound like hers. The potionologist had a habit of just kinda slapping the door in time to whatever song was stuck in her head at the moment. 

Bothersome and annoying as it was, Macaque had given up on showing her proper knocking etiquette. That was a Sandy and/or Earth Trio duty. 

“Who the hell is that?” Macaque questioned, setting his bowl of popcorn to the side as he made his way down to the door. He hadn’t ordered anything, so it shouldn’t be a delivery or take-out. 

The knocking started up again—probably impatient at how long it was taking—as Macaque reached the training mat. “Hold on, hold on! I’m coming,” he griped. 

The warehouse doors slid open, revealing an eager and exhausted-looking MK behind them. Macaque paused and stared at the young hero bewildered. “Kid, did you run all the way here?”

“Macaque!” MK was in front of said shadow master before he could blink. “Can I pet your dawg?”

“Dog?” Macaque blinked. “What dog?”

“No, dawg. Dawg . D-A-W-G.”

“… Dawg ? I don’t have a dog or a dawg . Whatever that is.”

“But Bai He said you pulled one out of the walls today!”

“Pulled one out of the—Oh, wait, do you mean the shadow puppet trick I showed her?”

“If that means I can pet your dawg then yes!”

“Kid, I don’t have a dog—”

“ Dawg .”

“No. Just, no.” Macaque shook his head. “Kid, I don’t have a dog. It’s just a trick I use in battle when I need time to prepare for a bigger attack.”

“So you can summon him at will?”

“Yes.”

“… Could you summon him now so I can pet your dawg?”

“No.” 

“Aw, but why not?” MK pouted. 

“Because you barged into my house uninvited, demanded I use my magic, and interrupted my movie!”

“Trixandra, run! Before I accidentally turn you not quite dead as well!” 

“No, Chadley! I won’t leave you like this. You can fight it, I believe in—Ah! Now MY face is being eaten a lot!”

“I can forgive you for that last one, though.” Macaque’s smile was paper-thin in annoyance. 

“So because I saved you from a bad public access movie—”

“Putting words in my mouth here, kid.”

“—you can thank me by letting me pet that dawg!”

“MK, the “dog”—”

“Dawg.”

“—The ice is thin and melting, MK—the “dog” in question is an ancient magical ability used only in dire situations, crafted from shadows so deep and dark no mortal could ever comprehend it.”

“You wanna know what else that dawg has?”

“Please don’t say something stupid.”

“Da floof.”

“I don’t know why I bothered saying please.”

“He got that floofa and that poofa. I want my hands on both!” MK grinned stupidly, making grabby motions with his hands. 

“The answer is no, MK.” Macaque waved his hand and MK dropped into a shadow with a startled yelp. Macaque rolled his eyes at the boy's antics as he walked over to his front door, shutting and locking it tightly for the night. With a content sigh, Macaque turned to head back to his terrible movie night when—

“But did you give him his treatums?” MK asked, a serious expression on his face as he pointed his folded hands at the shadow monkey like he was making a business deal. 

Macaque jumped back, surprised. “What? But, how did you—?” He glanced between his now locked door and the young hero now standing before him. I thought I teleported him a block away? Macaque narrowed his eyes at MK. “No, I don’t give it “treatums”. It’s a shadow monster. It doesn’t need, have, or want “treatums”.”

“That is the single saddest thing I’ve ever heard.” MK stared at Macaque like the former just stole candy from a starving orphan. 

Macaque just waved his hand again and MK dropped down once again, this time not even making a sound. Maybe sending him fifteen blocks away will get the message across, thought the warrior as he trudged up the stairs. 

Only to be greeted by a very tearful delivery boy in a yellow jacket at the top of the stairs. “Like, seriously, that’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“How are you doing this?” Macaque gestured to MK. “Is this like a hair clone thing or something?”

“I don’t know how you can ask these questions when we both know that there is a sweet doggo out there that has been deprived of treatums and scritches and head pats—does he even know he’s a good boy, Macaque?!” 

“Why would that matter?”

MK’s jaw dropped as he stared at Macaque in absolute disgust. “Prostrate,” the young hero spat out at his occasional mentor. 

“No.” Macaque spat back. Thoroughly fed up with MK’s shenanigans, Macaque reached over and grabbed the young hero’s shirt collar, spinning him around to grab the hem of the shirt, before opening another shadow portal and heave-ho-ing MK into it before he could blink. Maybe sending him outside the city will get the message across. The shadow-master crossed the threshold to his living room only to be greeted by MK sitting on the couch, glaring up at him. 

“You don’t deserve him,” MK said. 

“How are you doing this?!” Macaque snapped. “You can’t teleport. This isn’t something you know how to do!”

“Let’s talk about what you know how to do,” Mei spoke, popping up behind Macaque and sliding her sword across the front of Macaque’s throat. 

“And now my life is being threatened by a woman with a sword over something stupid—my horoscope was right after all.” Macaque deadpanned. Apart from looking rather tired, he had no other reaction to this turn of events. 

“Why isn’t there a dawg right now?” Mei asked. 

“We want the dawg, Macaque.” MK said. 

“Where’s the dawg, Macaque?” Mei brought her sword a little closer to Macaque’s throat to emphasize the point. 

“It doesn't exist until I summon it.”

“So you admit that you can have a doggo at any moment and you don’t?” Mei scoffed in disgust. “What, did your parents not love you enough?”

“I don’t have parents. I was born from the primordial darkness of space catching an asteroid as it fell to the moon and cracked open.”

“You disgust me!” MK spat. 

Mei brought her sword as tightly against Macaque’s throat as she could without actually drawing blood as she whispered menacingly into his ear, “I’m going to re-teach you Chinese with this sword if you don’t make this right.”

“And by that you mean…?”

Neither MK nor Mei said a word. Instead, they tilted their heads and looked expectantly at Macaque. The dark-furred simian sighed long and hard in exasperation before waving his hand toward the training floor below. The area of the home darkened significantly, like night had fallen only in that area, before retreating to the crevices of the unseen. Left in its place was a barking shadow dog. 

“Yaaaaaay!” The besties cheered. Mei immediately dropped her sword as she and MK raced down the steps and tackled the shadow dog in affection. 

Macaque leaned against the railing, watching the two young heroes coddle the dog as he contemplated every decision he made to get to this post in life. His phone buzzed alerting him to a text he received. Macaque pulled his device out of his pocket to see Bai He’s name flash on the screen. 

“Hey,” her message started. “MK and Mei know about the shadow dog thing you showed me earlier and I think they’re gonna pull something stupid to try and get you to show them. Just as a heads up!”

Macaque typed out a quick reply. “You’re about five minutes too late on the draw kiddo, but A for effort or something? Thanks anyway.”

As MK and Mei gave the shadow dog pets and head scratches and belly rubs, Macaque was hit with the sudden feeling of underwhelming. Sure, dogs were cute and he would let one if given the opportunity. But he just didn’t see the big deal. Why go to this much trouble to let a dog that wasn’t even real? Maybe he just liked cats more?

Macaque decided to text Bai He a quick message over the whole ordeal. “I think I’m more of a cat person, anyway.”

And his sweet, loving, understanding student responds almost instantly with, “I’ll take things I already knew for $500, Alex.”

Chapter Text

“Surprised you haven’t convinced Bai He to steal all the presents in town yet.” Macaque rolled his eyes at Wukong’s snide comment. 

“Believe me, I tried real hard.” The dark-furred monkey took another sip of his hot chocolate as Wukong saddled up next to him. “It was a good scheme too, but then she mentioned something about being on a naughty list and, eh, lost interest real quick.”

Wukong rolled his eyes at Macaque’s lame excuse but kept his attention focused on the rest of the party. MK and Mei had dug out some old board games and PB and Bai He had joined in, Pigsy was putting the finishing touches on dinner, and Sandy was keeping Tang from grazing by having a conversation with him. Mo was passed out on Tang’s lap so that was also a big help. 

“Nice sweater,” Macaque commented. Wukong looked down at the sweater MK all but shoved him in and felt his cheeks flush a bit in embarrassment. It was an ugly black sweater with four little monkeys decorating a big gaudy tree on the front.

“MK said it was traditional…” Wukong hated this sweater but loved MK more. The things he did for that kid. Wukong turned his head to look at Macaque and smirked a bit. “At least mine is on brand.”

Macaque turned his head away, not wanting to acknowledge his ugly purple sweater with caroling snowmen on it. “Bai He figured out purple is my favorite color. She said I was required to wear it…” 

Wukong chuckled a bit, realizing they were in the same boat. “Man, the things we do for these kids.”

“Don’t get me started.” Macaque took a long sip of his drink. 

The two stood there in amiable silence. The children’s laughter filled the room, Pigsy’s cooking smelled amazing, and the decoration brought a lovely glow to all around. Wukong sighed in contentment and tried to remember the last time he had felt this at peace with a group of people. It was nice. He liked spending the holidays with his subjects and the odd immortal who didn’t hate his presence, but this was nice too. Spending it with his friends. 

He liked this. 

Wukong felt happy. 

“Alright, dinner’s ready! Everyone wash up and come chow down.” Pigsy announced as he stepped into the room, wiping his hands on his “Designated Christmas Cook” apron. The pig stalled a bit, glanced up to something above Wukong and Macaque, and then looked at the monkeys with a teasing smirk. “You two are more than welcome to join us when you’re done.”

Macaque looked at his cup of hot chocolate with a raised brow. “I mean, I can just chug the rest of this and then join you for dinner. It’s not a big deal.”

“That’s not what I meant.” Pigsy crossed his arms, looking amused. 

PB looked up from the board game she and the others were playing and her face lit up in a grin, a teasing glint in her eyes. “Oooh! Mr. King and Mr. Maquack are under the mistletoe~”

At PB’s sing-songy announcement and Mei’s sudden case of the giggles, Wukong felt his heart stutter to a halt and his face heat up immediately. He looked up in a panic and yep, there was the infamous plant. The romantic scourge of the holiday season. The white berries of doom. 

Mistletoe. 

Tang wolf-whistled. “Well, well, well Monkey King. Didn’t know “Sly Dog” was one of your many titles.”

Wukong’s fear of being caught under the mistletoe was quickly replaced with annoyance at Tang. “Shouldn’t you be washing up for dinner?” asked Wukong in a tone that suggested the scholar leave the room very quickly. 

“Hmm, no. I can wait.” Tang shrugged and grinned innocently at Wukong. 

Bastard. Wukong glanced at Macaque and found him staring at the plant in nonchalance. Seemingly unbothered by the social implications at play here. Does he know? Smug jerk, he has to know. Does that mean he’s ok with this and is playing coy? Wait, does he want this to happen? Does he want me to kiss him? The sudden mental image of sharing a mistletoe kiss with Macaque surrounded by the pretty lights while the shadow master was wearing that adorably ugly sweater made The Great Sage feel like he was overheating. 

Noticing his mentor’s distress, MK held up a placating hand. “It’s fine if you guys don’t want to do it. There’s no pressure or anything to follow that stupid tradi—”

“No, it’s ok.” Macaque shrugged, downing the rest of his hot chocolate in one go. “It’s just a silly little tradition, right? No harm, no foul, and all that.”

“You-your-you’re going to—you want to-ka-ka—you’re ok with that???” Wukong asked eloquently. 

“Like I said, it’s no big deal. It’s tradition.”

There must have been steam coming out of Wukong’s ears because of how hot he felt. His brain was shooting off responses and words a mile a minute, nothing he could make sense of, and his tongue had turned to lead for all the good it was doing him. The Great Sage looked up and suddenly Macaque was standing right there, looking at him expectantly. 

“You ok with this, Wukong?” Macaque asked. “It’s like the kid said, we don’t have to do this.”

There were several thousand words going through Wukong’s head that all desperately conveyed how ok he was with this happening, but they all got stuck at the back of his throat so he just nodded dumbly and choked out a weak “ Uh-HUH… ”

“Okaaay then…” Macaque narrowed his eyes at Wukong’s odd behavior but said nothing else, which was a blessing Wukong did not at all deserve. 

The Great Sage took a deep breath in an attempt to calm his nerves and closed his eyes, hoping Macaque would take the lead. I’m gonna do it, Wukong realized. I’m gonna kiss Macaque! Just keep calm, Wukong. You can do this. He started to pucker his lips in anticipation—

Only to get sucker punched across his cheek. 

Wukong hit the floor with an audible smack as the others in the room gasped in surprise. All except for Mei. She had doubled over in cackling laughter, knocking a few game pieces off the board in the process. Wukong placed a hand on his cheek and it already felt tender. 

Macaque had punched him! Not hard, but still. He punched him!

“What the brick was that for?!” Wukong asked, looking up at Macaque from his spot on the floor. “Why did you punch me?”

Macaque blinked at Wukong, puzzled. “Because that’s what you do when you’re under the mistletoe with someone? You fight them until one goes down?”

“Where did you get that idea?” Sandy asked. 

“Mei told me. She said that’s what she and MK do when they get stuck under the mistletoe.” Macaque pointed to the cackling dragon girl, who was starting to sound like a hyena in the middle of asphyxiating.

Realization dawned on the Monkie Kids.

Mei had been the one to insist on hanging up the mistletoe. When asked why she was so insistent on the little plant being hung up—seeing as how she and MK had been banned from a “Mistle-foe” brawl after their last one in college ended in a Christmas trip to the ER and Red Son wouldn’t be showing up due to a scheduling conflict (AKA: He and DBK were running a food stall downtown)—Mei had wiggled her brows at Pigsy and Tang. Saying, “You never know what could happen~”

And yeah, Tang had caught Pigsy under the mistletoe two times already and Pigsy had dragged Tang under once as well, but Mei seemed a little too eager about the plant. A little too excited about its potential. Almost like she was scheming something. 

And lo and behold, she was. The other Monkie Kids sighed, MK facepalming and Bai He rolling her eyes at Mei’s antics. PB had reached over to kindly pat Mei’s back as the dragon girl choked on her own laughter. Macaque saw everyone’s reactions and exhaled. “Mei lied to me, didn’t she?”

“Yup,” MK nodded. 

“Absolutely she did, yes.” PB smiled placatingly. 

“Obviously!” Wukong snarled, still a little mad and on the floor. 

“Well then, what do people usually do under the mistletoe?” Macaque asked. 

“They—! Um… they, uh…” Wukong’s tongue suddenly felt like lead again. He chanced a look up at Macaque, who was staring down at him with an expectant look. The sudden realization that Wukong had wanted Macaque to kiss him flooded the Great Sage’s mind with embarrassment and shame and, as his face reheated, he buried his face into the floor and groaned in shame. 

Macaque turned to the others. “Ok, as usual, he’s no help at all. Does someone else want to fill me in?”

MK winced. He really, really didn’t want to open this can of worms. But, Macaque had a right to know and it’s not like he would never find out. Mistletoe was a common Christmas decoration and a major MacGuffin of eighty percent of all Christmas Rom-Coms. He’d find out sooner or later, so it might as well be sooner, right?

“Well,” the young hero started cautiously, “traditionally, when two people are under the mistletoe they are… uh, well they’re supposed to ki—”

“Kick!” Bai He interrupted, slapping her hand over MK’s mouth. “They’re supposed to kick whoever they’re under the mistletoe with.”

“Oh.” Macaque shrugged and wound his foot back like he was about to kick a soccer ball. “Ok!”

“No!” MK shouted. 

“Wait!” Wukong tried to stop the inevitable. 

PB watched on in confusion as Macaque kicked Wukong in the stomach hard enough to flip him over like a pancake. She blinked before turning to Pigsy. “That’s… That’s not what Sandy told me people do under the mistletoe…”

Pigsy shook his head sadly. “C’mon gang, food’s ready!”

“Shouldn’t we wait for… them?” PB gestured vaguely to whatever Macaque was doing to Wukong now. 

“Nah.” Bai He dusted her skirt off and skipped off to the dining room. “They’ll be fine.”

Tang placed a hand on PB’s shoulders before she could object. “They’ve been doing weirder for over a hundred years now. They’ll be fine.”

“Shouldn’t we at least check if Mr. King is ok?” 

“Trust me, Peebles.” Tang frowned in disappointment. “The only thing hurt is Monkey King’s pride…”

As Tang led PB to the kitchen, Sandy spared one last glance at MK pushing Macaque away from Wukong, who was slowly picking himself off the floor. Then, Sandy scooped the still-laughing Mei into his arms and carried her into the kitchen. 

It was the holidays. Shenanigans under the mistletoe were no excuse to let good food go to waste.  

Chapter Text

“C’mon,” PB urgently whispered, staring up at the black, midnight sky. The earlier shouts of joy and exuberant screams from the crowd had all quieted to a hush of excitement. The only sound that anyone could hear was the festival music still playing over a few distant speakers in the background. 

And—for the Monkie Kids—they could hear PB’s mutterings. “C’mon, c’mon. Do it again you cowards—!”

A loud, whistling stream of light suddenly shot up into the air, followed by a loud bang and a rain shower of sparkles and color. PB’s face lit up much like the fuse of a firework and she jumped up, cheering. “Yes! Attack the sky! Kill the old year! Make it bleed! Bring in the new!!!”

The fireworks lasted for another minute and a half before they fizzled out. The people running the show obviously needed a moment before they could start the next round. PB took this as well as to be expected. “Nooooo!” The potionologist bemoaned, looking to the sky as if pleading for someone to change some horrible fate of the universe. “C’mon, you don’t deserve to be oppressed! Fight back against the old year, ring in the new!”

As if hearing her pleas, another round of fireworks began. PB cheered happily, running around the rooftop to celebrate the fireworks killing the old year with a bang before she began to laugh almost maniacally. 

“ ‘Let’s take her to see the fireworks’ , he said.” Pigsy snarked, “ ‘There’s no way this could possibly backfire’ , he said.”

“Ok, in my defense,” MK spoke up from the lawn chair next to Pigsy, “I thought the worst that could happen was that she gets a little overwhelmed by the loud noise.”

“MK, we can’t leave Poppy alone unsupervised in a revolving door .” Tang spoke up from his spot in Pigsy’s lap, leveling the young hero with a deadpan glare, “How could you have possibly thought she was ready to handle fireworks?”

“I explained to her what New Year's was, though!” Sandy spoke up. He glanced back to PB—still manically laughing and running around, cheering whenever the fireworks lit up the sky and urging them to continue when the sky was quiet—and cringed a bit. “I thought she knew how the holiday was celebrated…”

“It’s not your fault, big guy.” Mei patted Sandy’s arm consolingly. “We tried to be prepared for what this night could bring… we just misread the situation a bit.”

“A bit?” Pigsy and Tang chorused. 

“Shush!” MK harshly told his father figures. “We did the best we could! We brought noise-canceling headphones, one of those weighted blanket dealios, and Milk!”

MK held up the bored-looking cat, who scowled first at Pigsy and Tang, then at MK, and then at the fireworks for having the gall to be loud and interrupting his nap. The cat wiggled his way out of MK’s grip and settled back into the young hero’s lap. Casting one last nasty side-eye at the fireworks for making PB—his personal can opener and bed—shirk her responsibilities and leave him to this subpar noodle-scented bed for the time being. 

“It could be worse?” Mei offered weakly. “We could be down at street level.”

The friends had decided to watch the fireworks and parade from atop the Noodle Shop (and MK’s apartment) roof. Far away from the crowds and with a good vantage point of the whole show. They had all originally decided to watch from up here for two reasons. 1): In case of another attack, they could either spring into action quicker or have a better placement for a tactical retreat. 2): They were worried PB would be overstimulated in large crowds. 

Still, PB’s actions had garnered some odd looks from people watching on neighboring roofs and a few people from down on the street. A couple watching on the rooftop to the right of the Noodle Shop had given the potionologist a very confused side eye before not-so-subtly going to the other side of their roof, as far from PB as possible at the moment. 

Mei had noticed a young child point up from the street at PB—curious about her antics. While Mei couldn’t hear what the child’s mother said, the woman hurriedly tugged the child away and pointedly did not look up to see what her child was pointing at. Jerk, Mei glared at the retreating woman. 

PB cackled again as a few different fireworks went off in sync. Mei smiled fondly at her friend. Was this weird? Absolutely. Did Mei mind? Not at all. PB was having fun and was happy. That’s all that mattered. The dragon girl looked over to see Sandy mirroring her expression, as did MK. 

“At the end of the day,” Sandy said, “Poppy's happy and excited for the new year. Isn’t that what’s important?”

No one spoke, just merely enjoyed the show… until another long round of fireworks sent PB into a mad, joyful laughing fit. Tang pinched his brow and Pigsy rolled his eyes harder. “ ‘We’ve got it under control’ , they said. ‘You won’t even know she’s there’ , they said..,”

“Oh, stick a noodle in it, Pigsy!” MK scolded the chef. 

Chapter Text

“Hey, Mac?”

“Yeah, Haoyu?”

“You mind watching the front for me? I think I need to go cry in the walk-in freezer for a few minutes.” Haoyu jabbed his thumbs behind him as he spoke. 

“You know Aiguo said those count as part of your break, right?”

“Eh, I don’t mind. Who knows? Maybe I’ll freeze in there and die and won’t have to come back to work.” 

“Dreaming big today, aren’t we?” Macaque called back sarcastically as his coworker trudged to the back of the restaurant. The dark-furred monkey could understand his need to vent. That last rush had been unbearable. 

But, things had calmed from the rushing rapids of entitled customers down to a near-non-existent trickle of people leaving. Those who were still sitting in the restaurant were close to finishing up, and those who just sat down looked to be using the free WiFi for work or school. Macaque shrugged, and let them. While they did their work, Macaque could do his. 

The shadow master had been busy sweeping up by the deep fryer when someone rang the bell the manger, Aiguo, had put there. Macaque leaned the broom against a back corner and made his way to the front counter. “Hi, welcome to McDonalds! What can I get for— fuck me !”

“Hello there, minimum wage employee! Tis I… uh, Greg!” said Sun Wukong wearing the stupid disguise of a yellow hoodie with navy blue sleeves, black, horn-rimmed glasses, bushy black eyebrows, and a matching mustache. 

“What the hell are you doing here, Wukong?” Macaque spat out. He barely convinced the manager to let him keep this job after he cursed MK and his friends for stealing that fifty bucks from him last month. Macaque did not need Wukong here to cause some stupid scene with his stupid, paper-thin disguise. 

Wukong laughed, nervously shifting his eyes back and forth around the mostly empty lobby of the restaurant. “Why do you speak as if we know each other?”

Macaque pinched his brow and mentally counted backward from fifty. “ Fine . Whatever gets you out of here quicker.” Macaque plastered on the fakest customer service grin known to man. “How may I help you, Gr—”

“ Psst! ” 

“… What ?”

“ I’m not really Greg, Macaque ” The Great Sage whispered conspiratorially to The Warrior. 

“Ok, that’s it. I’ve done my time. If someone wants to end my renewed life subscription, you got my blessing!” Macaque called out into the universe. 

“ It’s me, Wukong! ” He lifted his glasses and winked at Macaque. 

“I knew it was you, Wukong. You’re as subtle as a brick thrown through a window at Mach 5 on a good day.”

“But I’m wearing a disguise! How could you tell it was me?”

“You’re wearing a sweatshirt and Groucho-Glasses, that’s not very conspicuous. Also, you can shapeshift. Why didn’t you just shapeshift?”

“But I did shapeshift!”

“I once again draw your attention to the Groucho Glasses on your face .”

“Oh, these aren’t real. I shapeshifted these on. See?” In a small puff of gold smoke, the glasses and mustache were gone. Leaving only Wukong standing with a big, stupid grin on his face in front of Macaque. 

“… Meeting you is quickly becoming one of the top five worst things that has ever happened in my life.”

“Aw,” The Great Sage pouted. 

“What do you want, Wukong?”

“Soooo, I read this Brick-GN article online this morning about a special-grade garlic sauce .” Wukong glanced back and forth to make sure no one was listening (the three other people in the front of the restaurant had their noses buried in their electronic devices. One coughed but otherwise did nothing). 

“Special grade—? Oh, wait. Is it that stupid Monkey Cop promotional sauce?” The sauce itself had been out for about a week at this point and was used as a tie-in promotional item for the newest Monkey Cop movie. 

Monkey Cop 5: Reflex of Action.

Honestly, Macaque had never watched any of the Monkey Cop movies and had no intention to (He considered it a bad day when he had to look at Wukong’s face, why would he watch Wukong in a movie?). So, seeing The Great Sage’s face propped up by the entrance and the far side of the counter was not pleasant. 

“That’s the stuff!” Wukong confirmed with a grin. 

“You can’t just go up and ask for it. You gotta use the app.”

“Nah, not my style. I don’t do phones.”

“I know for a fact that you own a cell phone.”

“Doesn’t mean I know how to use it, does it?”

“So if you don’t know how to use it, explain to me about last night?”

“What’re you talking about?”

“In the group chat? You kept tagging Mei and asking her what “Rickrolling” meant and after you found out what that meant you asked her how you could do it to Nezha.”

“Ah, that was a good night.” Wukong smiled wistfully. “And just because I know how to Rickroll gods and text and track this place down with GPS doesn’t necessarily mean I know how to work one measly little app, now does it?”

“I am so close to using this on you,” Macaque warned. He held up a hammer crafted from his shadows. After a particularly rude “Karen” encounter last week, Macaque had been barred from using a majority of his shadow magic at the threat of being fired. 

After a peculiar incident involving the milkshake machine and the deep fryer two days ago, Macaque was given permission to use some of his shadow magic so long as it was in the shape of a helpful tool. Brooms, extended grabbers, and tools, such as hammers. 

Wukong laughed like Macaque had just told a funny joke. “Bruise me, bitch. You won’t.”

“I might.”

“But you won’t~”

“Ugh, fine.” Macaque let the shadow hammer drop and fade into the ground beside him before he stomped off and returned a moment later with a small, styrofoam cup in his hands. “Under the condition that you leave and never come back: Special Grade Garlic Sauce in an unmarked container. Now, go away!”

“Thank you very much!” Wukong smiled gratefully at Macaque as he handed him the garlic sauce… before immediately squishing it between his fists. 

“I don’t understand you!” Macaque said. 

“And I want you to do me a favor.”

“Is there even any point in me saying no to this?”

“I need you to tell that Sewer Clown Knockoff, Ronald, that he’s next.”

“Do you mean the fictional mascot of this company?”

“Either that two-bit carnival sideshow listens to the Cease and Desist order I sent out months ago, and takes mine and Monkey Cop’s face off of those sauce packets, or I’m gonna peg him with a copyright lawsuit so hard that he’s gonna grimace until he shakes .”

“I get paid thirteen bucks an hour, guy. I’m the wrong person to threaten in this scenario.”

“And I’m just a simple man named Greg,” Wukong smirked and poofed his Groucho glasses back into place. “Thank you for your service, have a great McDay!” The Great Sage turned on his heels and waltzed out the door, leaving Macaque with a puddle of garlic sauce to clean up and a massive headache. 

The shadow-monkey groaned into his hands. “Just keep it together, Macaque. Only 861 more shifts until you pay for Bai He’s—”

“ Macaque, you work here? ” A trio of painstakingly familiar voices chorused together as they walked through the front door. 

“That’s it!” Macaque tore his company-issued hat from his head and threw it behind him in a fit of blind rage. “I quit. And you three!”

“Us three?” The Earth Trio pointed at each other, confused and afraid. 

“Yes, you three. You three are getting nails !” Macaque summoned his shadow hammer again as he leaped over the counter. Chasing the three friends out of the restaurant. 

Aiguo, having heard all of this, cautiously peeked his head around the corner. “He was the most decent employee I ever had that lasted longer than two and a half weeks… Haoyu! Get the mop! We got a sauce spill in front of the counter.”

“My tears have frozen to my cheeks, sir!” Haoyu called from the back. 

“Well then get some of the wrapped burgers from the heater on them and get back to work!”

Chapter Text

Demon Bull King was in the kitchen, carefully and meticulously reading the recipe in Chang’e’s book. He wanted to ensure his family had a good dinner tonight, so he started prep a little earlier than usual.

That’s when he heard the knocking. He paid it no mind initially—there had been an increase in door-to-door volunteers for a local political election in the last week. The Great Bull King had been a little surprised his family still qualified to vote in said election, given how many “crimes” against the city they committed. But, they still counted. 

It was only when one of the Bull Clones shuffled in to inform him that Sun Wukong was at the door, that Demon Bull King stopped what he was doing. 

He marched straight to the door—he would not let Wukong in his house, he wouldn’t!—and flung it open roughly, nearly ripping the door off its hinges. 

Wukong floated on his little cloud at about half Demon Bull King’s height. “Hi,” the simian waved. 

“What do you want?”

“I, uh, need your wife and/or son’s help with a teleportation problem.” Wukong cut straight to the point. “Are they here? Could I see them?”

“You can fly. Go solve the problem yourself.” Demon Bull King moved to shut the door. Wukong reached out and stopped him. 

“One small problem, Bull King.” The Great Sage looked nervously sheepish. “Uh, for a little under a century now, all of us demons and celestial warriors and everything in between that could fly collectively agreed that we would only do so in China’s airspace… and only under absolutely dire circumstances.”

“Why would such an agreement be made.”

“There was a war.”

“How bad was the war that the agreement came about?”

“…”

“You won’t tell me?”

“It’s not that I won't, it's just I don’t know where to start.”

“I’ll just ask my family later.”

“In the most sincere and honest way possible: I pray for them.”

“Why do you need my wife and son specifically?”

“Well, they can teleport longer distances than Macaque so I’m just kinda assuming here—”

“Hold on,” Demon Bull King pinched his brows with a heavy frown on his face. “Macaque needs help. The Six-Eared Macaque . Master of Shadow Magic and Teleportation through Shadows. That Macaque?”

“… in as many words, yes.”

Demon Bull King stated at Wukong. Unimpressed. 

Wukong stared back at him. Face neutral if not a bit nervous. 

“… I’m closing the door now.”

“Wait, wait, wait!” Wukong reached over and gently tugged on the Bull King’s arm. “C’mon, I wouldn’t be asking if I wasn’t desperate!”

“Have the fool teleport himself then!”

“He can’t! The explosion took a bit too much out of him.”

“ Explosion ?” Concern over his former brother gripped the Bull King’s heart like a vice. “What explosion?”

“Uh, well,” Wukong awkwardly scratched the back of his neck. “PB—a new friend of MK’s—has been trying to make her own teleportation potion and Macaque was showing her how his version of portals works. She thought she figured it out and tried to demonstrate it and well yadda yadda they’re stuck in a foreign country.”

“Did you seriously just “yadda yadda” the explanation?” Demon Bull King Shook his head. “Why can’t they just take a plane?”

“Oh, yeah. Get the two people with no money, no paperwork, or passports onto a plane. Because that’s so easy now!”

“ It should be ! Why isn’t it?”

“Ok, so, back in 2001–”

“Where is Macaque and that other one, specifically?”

“America.”

“ Where in America?”

“Uh…”

“Ok, so, my potion might not have worked out how I wanted it to. But look on the bright side! Now we get to explore this strange foreign land!” PB extended her arms out happily. Taking in the scenery of a lush green park in the middle of the night. “Can you imagine what this place will look like during the day?”

Macaque, lying on the park bench he spotted earlier, didn’t even look over at his friend. “Oh yeah. Two burnt and crispy randos in the middle of a park where we don’t speak the language. That’ll go over well.”

His phone buzzed in his pocket. Moving carefully due to his sore muscles and burnt everywhere else, Macaque dug the device out and found another text from MK assuring him that help was on the way. Considering that help was Wukong, the shadow master wasn’t holding his breath. 

“Ok, Grumpy Gus,” PB huffed. “Be that way. I’m just trying to stay positive is all.”

“I’m going to regret asking this, but what is the positive side here?”

“It’s prime time for a Mr. Maquack and PB adventure!” PB turned her back to Macaque to make a dramatic pose, like a hero in a storybook. “And what better place to do it than in Chicago! The City of Sin!”

“… That’s Las Vegas.”

“What?”

“The City of Sin. That’s Las Vegas.”

“Oh.” PB thought for a moment. Then she snapped her fingers. “Can I try again?”

“Knock yourself out, Pops.”

She restruck her pose. “Chicago. The City that Never Sleeps.”

“That’s New York City.”

“… The Eternal City.”

“That’s Rome.”

“The City of Brotherly Love.”

“That’s Philadelphia.”

“Sources vary,” Wukong didn’t make eye contact with Demon Bull King. 

“Sources?” The old king raised a brow. 

“MK,” Wukong answered honestly. 

“How is he getting this information? Is he with Macaque?”

“No, he’s texting him and then texting me.”

“Why don’t you just text him?”

“Because Macaque won’t give me his phone number and Mei won’t tell me how to find his number in the group chat.” Wukong pouted. 

Demon Bull King chuckled. “Heh. The Dragon Girl has a good sense of humor.”

“If I wanted to be roasted, I would have stuck my toe in the lava myself.” Wukong deadpanned. “Look, I’ve told you just about everything, so could you please get your wife or son or both out here so they can please help me?”

“… No.”

“ What do you mean no ?!”

“The City by the Bay.”

“That’s Melbourne.”

“The Forbidden City”

“That’s Beijing.”

“The White City of the North.”

“That’s Helsinki.”

“The Lion City.”

“That’s Singapore.”

“I mean: No, I cannot bring my wife and/or child to you.”

“Well, why not?”

“Because my wife and son are not here.” Demon Bull King smirked. “They are having a mother and son day today. I was beginning to prepare dinner for them when you arrived. And if it is all the same to you, Oh Great Sage, I’d like to get back to that.”

“Well, now who am I supposed to go to for help?” Wukong crossed his arms, his tail thumping angrily against his cloud. 

Demon Bull King paused for a moment. While he did not care for Sun Wukong in the slightest, he did feel bad about Macaque being stranded in a faraway land with no way home. Not to mention that other one. Something-Bee or whatever. “You know,” he spoke after a while, “due to him being worshiped by taxi drivers and bus drivers, Nezha has become revered as a God of Travel.”

And with that, Demon Bull King closed the door on Sun Wukong. 

“The City of Lights.”

“That’s Paris.”

“The Gray City.”

“That’s Berlin.”

“The City of a Thousand Trades.”

“That’s Birmingham.”

“The City of Palaces

“That’s Kolkata.”

“ Hey , Nezha !” An unfortunately familiar voice called out from his office window. 

“No.” The Third Lotus Prince replied. 

“I didn’t even ask anything yet!” Wukong protested as he climbed through the open window, which Nezha now regretted opening. Serves him right for wanting to enjoy the sudden influx of pleasantly warm weather. 

Foolish him for hoping something wouldn’t go wrong. 

“And yet my answer is no.” Nezha, without looking up from his paperwork, pointed to the window. “Get out.”

“Five minutes. Hear me out for five minutes, please!” The Great Sage pleaded, hands folded. 

The Third Lotus Prince sighed heavily in exasperation, shoulders sagging slightly. He continued with his work, not bothering to look up at Wukong. “You have one minute. Speak your piece.”

“How handy are you at undetectable teleportation to foreign lands?”

“... This was a mistake.”

“The City that Never Stops.”

“That’s Tel Aviv.”

“The Oyster City.”

“That’s Macau.”

“The City of Eternal Spring.”

“That’s Cuernavaca.”

“The City of Gardens.”

“That’s Bengaluru.”

“Let me see if I understand,” Nezha had finally set his pen down but still hadn’t turned to look at Wukong, who had moved to the side of his desk to politely beg for help. “Macaque and a new friend of MK’s—”

“PB, the potionologist.”

“Not a real word, by the way.”

“Preaching to the choir here, Nezha.”

“—we’re involved in a teleportation accident, and have been teleported to an entirely different country and have no real way of getting home, due to an injury on Macaque’s part? Is that correct?”

“That’s about it, yes.”

“You do realize this could qualify as an international incident? Not only does this incident advertise that those two have powerful abilities, but now they are weakened and ripe for an attack.”

“Not to mention that by all accounts involved, neither of them are technically legal citizens of this country.”

Nezha slowly turned his head to look at Wukong. The glare The Great Sage received could curdle milk. 

“Hey, I’m technically only responsible for one of those things! … Technically.”

Nezha groaned and pushed himself out of his chair. “If we move quickly, we might be able to get them back safely under the cover of night. But we’ll have to make one quick stop at Chang’e’s first.”

“Why Chang’e?” Wukong moved to follow his (reluctant) friend. 

“Because, depending on where they landed, we can use the cover of night to better smuggle Macaque and your potion friend back safely.”

Wukong sighed in relief. “Oh, Nezha, you’re a lifesaver—!”

“But!” Nezha suddenly wheeled around, pointing a warning finger at Wukong’s nose. “You owe me a favor in return.”

“Of course, anything!”

“You need to promise to stop sending me memes in that stupid group chat.”

“… I’m gonna be honest, I’m kinda surprised you know what memes are.”

“I’m a Guardian Deity of Children. Of course, I know what memes are!”

“So how come you didn’t react when I Rickrolled you last week?”

“Do you know how many times Erlang has Rickrolled the entire Heavenly Court? I’m numb to it at this point.”

“… and the Skibidi Toilet thing I sent yesterday?”

“ Be grateful I don’t consider it a war crime .”

“Duly noted. Le-go!”

“The City of Romance”

“You’ve circled back to Paris.”

“The City of Gold.”

“That’s El Dorado.”

“The City of Atlantis.”

“That’s not a real thing.”

“The City of Bones, Ashes, Glass, Lost Souls, Fallen Angels, and Heavenly Fathers.”

“That’s the Mortal bricking Instruments .”

“Ok then, Smart Guy!” PB snapped, turning to look at Macaque. “What’s Chicago called then?”

“The Windy City.” Macaque side-eyed the potionologist. “Would it kill you to watch a documentary or something?”

“It’s called the Windy City?” PB pouted. “That’s not cool.”

Macaque shrugged. “I don’t know what to tell you, Pops. Work with what you have or whatever.”

“Ugh, fine.” PB once again struck her pose. Though, this time, with less oomph. “Chicago… The Windy City.”

Macaque slowly turned his head to his friend. “Where did you get the idea that we were in Chicago?”

“Hm? That sign. That one over there.” PB pointed to a sign illuminated by a street light. Macaque pushed himself to rest on his elbows. 

“… Huh.”

“What?”

“It’s just, uh—”

“Just what?”

“Ok, I don’t wanna discourage you because you are doing so much better on the whole reading thing… but you still aren’t the best at reading.”

“Rude.”

“But true. Because that sign doesn’t say “Welcome to Chicago” it says “Welcome to Los Angeles” …”

“…”

“…Los Angeles is called The City of Angels by the way.”

“Oh son of a—”

Chapter Text

Macaque peeked his head around the curtain, careful not to be seen by the audience members. While normally, he would celebrate New Year’s in a quieter part of the city--Fireworks were one of the worst things humanity has ever invented and he will stand by that fact for the rest of his life--he needed money and he needed it sooner rather than later. So, after churning out a few simple scripts for shadowplays based on some myths and promising the theatre he frequented he’d perform them for half the ticket revenue, he had set up shop for the night.

And they had been a hit to Macaque’s somewhat surprised delight!

Tired parents would drag their kids in behind them, happy to be off their feet and not have to chase after a toddler on a sugar high. Macaque also noticed a lot of food stall workers coming in during their breaks. A small group of young humans and demons had come to one of his early shows and had brought back a bigger crowd of their friends to not one but two of his later shows.

Macaque grinned and ducked back behind the stage. Oh, this was more profitable than he could hope for. He was going to enjoy the paycheck from tonight.

He would get the name-brand cereal from the grocery store with this paycheck!

“Macaque, I fixed the Goat puppet!” Bai He chipperly informed him, quietly stepping onto the stage. The shadow master smiled at the little girl and gently took the puppet from her hands to inspect it.

In his rush to put the puppet away between shows, the leg had been ripped not only from the body itself, but the paper had torn in half. Macaque was able to use his abilities to continue the show, but it had been a setback. He had quickly shifted from telling the tale of The Great Zodiac Race to the tale of The Cowherd and The Weaver Girl, with some tellings of Nezha’s old exploits if he needed to fill for time.

But, it was New Year, and the Zodiac Race was the story everyone was here to see. So he was grateful that Bai He had volunteered to fix it for him while he worked. 

The little girl had sat through every single one of his shows since he started that night. And up until the puppet broke, she was content to spend the rest of her night doing just that. Macaque was pleased she was enjoying the shows but was a bit perplexed. He knew that MK had invited the little girl to go see fireworks with him and his friends (The young hero had mentioned it was PB’s first time seeing fireworks, and Macaque had been praying to whoever would listen for everyone’s safety since). 

Macaque wasn’t an idiot. He knew MK’s offer was the more fun one. He expected Bai He to stay for the first of his shows and then bail to go hang out with MK. He was fine with it, he’d be surprised if Bai He didn’t go. 

So, color him stumped when he was almost done with his run time and Bai He had shown no signs of leaving once. 

“Thanks, kiddo,” Macaque inspected the puppet. Bai He had found some glitter glue and tape to hold it all together. It looked a little silly, but it was perfect in Macaque’s eyes. “It looks great!”

“Yay!” Bai He clapped, jumping in place a bit, pleased with her work. “I was surprised the manager had glitter glue in his office. He said there was a sale or something.”

Macaque nodded and side-eyed the little girl. He carefully set the puppet down and turned back to his student. “I really do appreciate the work you did, soooo, how about a little token of appreciation?”

The shadow master pulled out a few waded-up bills from his pocket. It was some change he had from doing a late-night convenience store run for milk that he accidentally ran through the wash. Altogether, it wasn’t a lot, but it was enough to buy Bai He some food stall goodies or a cheap little headband with an animal on it. 

Bai He pushed the money away with a smile. “It's ok, Macaque, I know you need that money more than I do. I was just happy to help!”

Gonna ignore the fact that she just politely told me I’m poor, Macaque internally grimaced. “C’mon, it’s the least I can do. You can grab something on your way to MK’s.”

“Oh, uh,” Bai He glanced away, twirling some hair nervously. “I’m… I’m not going to MK’s tonight…”

“Oh,” Macaque blinked. “Are you guys, like, fighting or something?”

“No! No,” Bai He shook her head. “We’re not fighting.”

“Oh, phew. That’s a relief!”

“… Why?”

“Oh, because if he upset you, I’d be legally obligated to break his leg. And I just don’t wanna do that tonight.”

“Macaque!”

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding! … Kinda… Sorta…” Macaque pretended to not see Bai He’s disappointed eyebrow raise. 

“Is it so wrong for me to want to spend time with you?” Bai He asked. 

“No, no! Kiddo that’s not what I meant at all. It’s just, how do I put this?” Macaque pondered for a moment. “I know you like hanging out with me—and I like being around you too!—it’s just… I know you have other people to spend time with. Like your friends, or MK. Plus, I’ve been working all night. I know it hasn’t been fun for you to just sit and watch my shows.”

Bai He nodded along to his explanation, before frowning. “Bingjie usually celebrates New Year's out of town. She’s got a big family so she goes to spend it with them. And Bo’s sick this year, so I can’t spend New Year’s with him. And MK…”

Macaque watched as fear and sadness flashed over the little girl’s eyes. He knew he wasn’t getting the full story, that Bai He wasn’t telling him something. The shadow master sighed. He knew better than to push it. He’d talk to her later, after work. When he could better focus on the matter. 

“Have you had anything to eat besides popcorn, tonight?” Macaque asked. Bai He shook her head, and Macaque sighed a bit. “Here, take this money and go get some fruit snacks or something. Nothing too sugary. After the last show, I’ll take you to get some dinner, ok?”

“Ok!” Bai He’s face lit up as she took the money. “I’ll be back before your next show starts.”

The shadow master smiled fondly as his student merrily skipped towards the concession stand. Then, he reached over and grabbed the goat puppet (gently) and lifted it, moving the puppet around a bit, making it walk and dance. Bai He had done a good job of repairing it. 

He owed the kid some good street food when this was done. 

Bai He was chomping at her dumplings like she hadn’t eaten a day in her life. At Macaque’s insistence, Bai He had gotten two orders of mushroom stuffed dumplings (Macaque had gotten a single order of cabbage stuffed dumplings for himself) and was just about to polish them off when Macaque asked “Do you want some tonghulu?”

The excited look in Bai He’s eyes, as she nodded, was enough to dull the pain of realization Macaque had once he realized he probably wouldn’t be getting name-brand cereal after tonight. 

Eh, Macaque shrugged as he walked over to a tonghulu vendor. She’s more than worth it. 

Bai He had just finished her dumplings as Macaque walked back with a Strawberry Tonghulu for her and a Tangerine and Green Grape one for himself. The little girl immediately started knawing on the candied fruit, causing Macaque to laugh. “Easy, easy! You’re gonna get sick.”

“Not from Tonghulu!” Bai He said around a mouthful of food. Macaque elbowed her lightly, laughing at her poor manners. 

The two continued walking through the crowded city streets. Macaque had shoved a couple of dollar-store foam earplugs in before leaving the theatre, which was a smart move on his part. He couldn’t handle loud crowds on a normal day, he really didn’t need his misophonia acting up in the middle of the holiday madness. 

Just as he pulled Bai He to the side to let a group of running children pass by, some knucklehead a couple of blocks back set off some small fireworks and firecrackers—Macaque immediately winced, gritting his teeth in pain. 

The earplugs dampened the sound, true, but it was about as effective as shoving a plastic bag in the hole of a sinking ship. It could only do so much…

“Lousy good for nothing,” Macaque muttered to himself. Then he noticed Bai He’s little firm clinging to his leg like a lifeline. “Whoa, kiddo, you ok? It’s just some firecrackers. You’re ok.”

Bai He didn’t look up at him, but Macaque could still see the apprehensive look on her face. Her eyes darted back and forth, scanning the crowd nervously as if waiting for an attack. Macaque frowned, placing a hand on her shoulder. “Bai He…?”

“… Could we go back to your place, please?” Bai He asked quietly, turning to look at him with tearful eyes. Macaque scooped her up into his arms and dropped down into the shadows without a second thought. 

When they were spat out of the dark, they landed on Macaque’s dingy sofa with a soft thunk . Bai He sighed in relief, flipping backward. “Thanks for getting us out of there. It was a loud crowd. Has New Year always been this loud?”

“In my personal opinion experience, yeah…”

“You deserve an award for putting up with that.”

“… Kiddo, what’s going on?” Macaque pulled Bai He up to a sitting position to better have this conversation. “You’ve been acting funny all night.”

“N-no I haven’t!” Bai He denied, proving Macaque’s point. 

“C’mon, kiddo, it’s ok. Just tell me what’s going on. I just wanna make sure you’re ok…”

Bai He’s lips twisted into an uncertain frown, and she looked away, suddenly finding the old carpet Macaque had found near a dumpster very interesting. Just as Macaque was about to (reluctantly) let it go for the night, Bai He spoke, “I thought she was back when I heard the firecrackers go off…”

“Thought who was back?”

Bai He looked at him. 

“Oh. Her .” The Lady Bone Demon. 

“Yeah… it’s been a year since she first possessed me… I don’t remember much about New Year's last year but… Everyone was screaming and-and Spider Queen had all those creepy little robots and—!”

“Hey, hey, it’s ok.” Macaque interrupted. “Deep breath it’s ok, Bai He. She’s not here anymore, you’re safe…”

While she wasn’t crying, Bai He’s breath was shallow and uneven. Macaque pulled her in for a hug, rubbing little circles on her back as she calmed down. “You’re safe, she’s gone, it’s ok,” he whispered to her, “no one blames you. You’re safe, I won’t let anything happen to you.”

It all made sense now. 

Bai He’s insistence that she spend the night watching reruns of Macaque’s plays? She didn’t want to go out into the city. To be reminded of last year, of the terror she inadvertently helped to cause. Bai He not jumping at the chance to spend time with MK and his friends? She was worried he would associate last year with her. Macaque knew without a shadow of a doubt that would never happen, but fear is a hard thing to reason with. 

Once she had calmed down, Macaque pulled back a bit, using the ends of his scarf to wipe away the few tears she had shed. “You wanna spend the night here? It’s far away from all the noise and you can hardly hear the fireworks. And, hey, we’ll turn on the TV, so it’ll be easier to drown out the noise.”

Bai He sniffled. “… Can I pick what we watch on TV?”

“Anything you want. As long as it’s family-friendly. I don’t want you watching anything gory or too lewd for your little eyes.”

“Heh, no need to worry. I could do with something light.”

“Great. I’ll go get you some pajamas to wear, and I’ll make up the bed for you later.” Macaque stood up and handed Bai He the remote control. As he walked into his bedroom, Bai He called out to him. 

“Can we have some caramel popcorn, too?”

Macaque had exactly one thing of microwave caramel corn in his cupboard. Normally, he would be opposed to Bai He having this much sugar (she had eaten so much junk tonight)… but it was a holiday and Bai He could use the cheering up…

He sighed. “Sure thing kiddo!” He had a real problem staying no to her, didn’t he?

“How are you able to afford this streaming service?” Bai He asked around her mouthful of caramel popcorn as she selected the green icon of the streaming service in question. 

“Oh, I stole Wukong’s password and set up my own branch on his account.” Macaque shrugged, readjusting the blanket around him and Bai He. The two were snuggled close under the blanket, a popcorn bowl awkwardly hanging between them as they ate. 

As Bai He scrolled, looking for a certain show, she raised a brow at him. “Wouldn’t Monkey King notice an extra person on his account and come fight you about it?”

“Nah. I put a picture of MK as the icon and added the kid’s name to the account. Wukong has no idea it’s me.”

Bai He snorted. “Devious. You’re devious.”

“Why, thank you~” Macaque grinned. “What’s this show called?” 

Bai He had selected a large iron of a cartoon family. There was a dad with an impressive push-bro mustache standing blank-faced in the middle. On either side were the other members of his family. A woman with red glasses who seemed to be mid-song, a teen-looking girl with glasses who seemed to be caught mid-awkward dance, a pre-teen boy holding a dingy keyboard, and a little girl wearing pink cat ears and grinning wildly at her other family members. 

“It’s called Bojing’s Bao . It’s about this family that runs a restaurant and they have all these wacky adventures. Ooh, this episode’s my favorite! Tien-Hou—that’s the oldest girl—starts her own news segment in school and then she’s framed for going on a mad-pooping spree.”

Macaque side-eyed the girl. 

“You’ll like it! Just trust me.” Bai He hit play. 

And to her credit, yeah. Macaque did end up liking the episode. The characters were charming and silly, just the kind of light-hearted fluff they needed on a quiet night in. A couple hours into Macaque and Bai He’s spontaneous Bojing’s Bao marathon, Macaque’s phone buzzed with several incoming texts. 

MK had sent a picture to the group chat of PB’s initial reaction to fireworks and everyone else was tagging in. Pigsy was telling MK to reel PB back as she was getting too excited (Macaque would ask questions tomorrow), Mei was just spamming stupid little GIFS into the chat, Nezha responded once with a simple “Happy New Year” and then nothing else, and Wukong was excitedly heart reacting to everything that was said. He even volunteered to make some fireworks of his own to show PB if she was interested. 

Macaque shut his phone off after sending a “Happy New Year” of his own into the chat. Bai He was half-dozing as he reached over and set his phone on the coffee table. Once he was situated back into his seat, Bai He almost instantly made herself comfortable. Sprawling across his couch and using his lap as a pillow. Sugar crash, Macaque rolled his eyes, smiling at his student fondly. 

The shadow-master adjusted the blanket around Bai He better and then went back to watching the show. This was a good New Year, Macaque realized. Probably the best he had in a long time…

Chapter Text

The phone rang. Sandy moved to set the many bowls of cat food on the floor and tried to avoid tripping over the swarm of vocal cats demanding he do his job quicker. Once he was out of tripping distance and the cats were fed, Sandy happily picked up the phone. 

“Hello?”

“Hi, Mr. Sandy! It’s Bai He,”

“Oh! Hello, Bai He!” Sandy grinned. “I didn’t expect to hear from you today, is everything ok?”

“For the most part—MK, no! The Bricki How article said that you have to do clockwise movements.” 

“I am doing clockwise, though…” Sandy heard MK whine pathetically in the background. 

“But if you’re the one looking down at your stomach, then it has to be counterclockwise. Switch it up!”

“Is everything ok, Little Lily?” Sandy asked in concern. 

“MK ate too much Food Truck Fried Rice today, and it’s kinda giving him bad indigestion.” The little girl explained. “And that’s kinda affecting his powers too…”

“When you say “affecting powers” do you mean…?”

“I’m kinda in a sea of MK clones right now.”

“But MK can only make clones when he pulls his hair out. How does that work?”

“Well every time, uh, gas is passed, so to speak, some hair kinda falls off his head, and then poof! MK clones… MKlones…”

Sandy hummed thoughtfully. “I believe I still have some Crimson Jimson leaves tucked around here somewhere. Tell you what, give PB and I ten minutes and we’ll come meet you two wherever you’re at.”

“Ok!” Bai He chipperly agreed. “But come quick, I don’t wanna get in trouble for unleashing an invasive species in a public park.”

“They’re not invasive,” MK whined again. 

“My science textbook begs to differ, MK.” There was a beep and the line went dead. 

Sandy pocketed his phone and went over to the stairwell to call down to PB in her lab. “PB, we need to go! MK and Bai He are overrun by a sea of MKlones, and I need to give him some Crimson Jimson tea to calm him down.”

PB called up a moment later. “I only understood some of those words but ok!”

PB and Sandy arrived about ten minutes later at the public park. Sandy was carrying a to-go mug of Crimson Jimson tea—PB had added a few extra stomach-settling herbs just for some bonus support—and, at the man’s insistence, PB was carrying an old metal bat that Sandy had lying around. 

“Why do you have a bat?” PB had asked as the Blue Duo left the houseboat. “I thought you were a Pacifish.”

“I have it in case someone tries to break into the houseboat and hurt you or the cats.” Sandy had explained. 

“But we’re not at the houseboat? Why do we need it now?”

“I’ve had some… experience with the MKlones in the past, and there is one in particular that I would really rather avoid if I could.”

“So the bat is for…?”

“Just in case we need to protect MK and Bai He.”

“Fair enough!”

“Excellent wordplay on Pacifist by the way,”

“Play on what now?”

The Blue Duo had barely set one foot in the park when a familiar voice called out to Sandy. “Yo! Sand Man and P-Dawg in da house! What’s good my homies?”

PB blinked in confusion. “MK, why are you talking like that? And where did you get those cool sunglasses?”

MK was wearing a tiger print jacket, teal headphones, and pink shutter sunglasses. “Ah, right. She ain’t met da rest of us yet. It’s cool, it’s cool. OG warned me about this. I’m MK’s Porty Clone.”

“Party Clone?”

“Nah, nah. Porty Clone. Sounds cooler.” Porty Clone explained. 

“You wouldn’t have happened to see the real MK and Bai He, would you?” Sandy gently asked. 

“Fo’ sure, Sand-Man!” Porty smirked. “Lil Lily sent me over here to come and grab you. Part the sea a bit, if you will.”

“What did she mean by part the—Oh My Great Sage, this is a lot of MK’s!” PB’s jaw dropped. What she originally believed to be a large crowd of many people, was just a sea of yellow jackets and red headbands that she came to associate with MK. 

“This is a lot more than last time…” Sandy frowned in concern. 

“Psh!” Porty waved Sandy’s concerns away. “You worry too much, Sand-Man. Lil Lily’s been poofing the bad ones away before they can get too far.”

“So the Artsy version of MK—?”

“Was the first one poofed.”

Sandy sighed in relief, and PB shifted the bat from a swinging position to be laid across her soldiers. The trio strolled through the crowd of MKlones as conversations happened around (and sometimes occasionally overhead) them. After a decent mile-long stroll, Porty Clone pointed to a stone bench that seemed—comparatively—lacking in MKlones. One speck of pink was kneeling by a figure lying on the bench like a Victorian Lady who had just fainted luxuriously onto a sofa due to a vaguely defined illness. 

“MK!” PB called out cheerfully. 

“Yeah?” At least seven different MKlones turned to PB with curious eyes. 

Porty scoffed. “She meant OG, you newbs.” The Clone made a “These guys” motion towards PB and the girl nodded uncertainly.

“Oh thank goodness you guys are here,” Bai He’s shoulders visibly sagged, like seeing them lifted a weight off her little shoulders. “MK’s in rough shape and the massage techniques stopped helping like… five minutes ago.” PB noticed that MK had some small, bald patches on his head. Sandy had explained to her how MK’s cloning ability worked, so PB was startled to see just how much hair MK had lost in such a short time. 

“Here you go, MK,” Sandy held out the travel mug to the young boy. Through some pained groans and some help from the girls and Porty, MK was able to get into a sitting position and lightly sipped on the offered tea. 

While MK cautiously sipped the drink, PB turned back to look at the Sea of MKlones. “You sure do have a lot of clones, MK.”

“Most of these guys are new.”

“Most?”

“Porty’s like the top clone.” Bai He gestured to the clone. “So he gets brought out a lot.”

“Yeah boy!”

“And then Delivery over there helps out occasionally for all-you-can-eat buffet challenges.” Bai He pointed to a clone of MK that looked a lot rounder than OG MK or Porty MK and was currently demolishing some street food. “But for the most part, it’s just Porty.”

“How many other variants of MKlones are there?” PB asked. 

“Let’s see…” Bai He stroked her chin thoughtfully as she looked around. “There's an Entry-Level Spanish MK.” The little girl pointed to an MK clone wearing a giant sombrero and a bushy fake mustache. 

“Donde esta la bibiloteca?” The MK clone in question waved. 

“MK, why do you have an entry level Spanish variant of yourself?” PB asked. 

“You gotta start somewhere.” MK shrugged through his sip of tea. He looked to be in less pain, so that was good. 

“And you’re sure that the Painter MK isn’t here?” Sandy ventured carefully. 

“Oh, yeah. MK told me what happened after he popped up so I threw my science textbook at him and he poofed instantly.” Bai He assured the gentle giant. 

“That’s good. Because on the way here I swore I saw an MK variant with a vaguely unsettling way about him.”

“That would probably be me…” An MKlone spoke up reluctantly. He was wearing a worn and torn wife beater, a bright red baseball cap, and a stupid-looking white bandage over one ear. 

“Who are you?” Sandy asked warily. 

“I’m, uh… I’m Racist MK.” The clone nervously scratched the back of his head. 

“No, you can get out of here!” MK shouted at his clone. 

“It’s 2025!” Porty shouted.

“Self-Examine, you bottom feeder!” Entry-Level Spanish ordered. 

“How many times do we have to teach you this lesson, old man?!” Bai He asked. 

“You are the problem, you understand that, right?!” Delivery hollered, throwing some of his food at Racist MK to emphasize the point. 

The shouting continued with most MKs within a five-foot radius also turning to yell at the red cap-wearing MK, but before it could get worse Bai He picked up her science textbook and threw it at that clone’s face. He poofed in a sad little puff of gold smoke and was gone. 

“Hate that guy.” MK scowled as he patted Bai He on the head for a job well done. 

“Ok, are there any MKlones that aren’t indicative of a larger societal problem around here?” PB asked. 

“Oh, a bunch.” Bai He nodded. “There’s Scary MK,”

“Boo!” Shouted an MKlone wearing a witch costume. 

“Sporty MK,”

“Go long, bro!” Shouted an MK wearing an American Football uniform. 

“Posh MK,”

“M’lady.” An MKlone wearing an expensive-looking three-piece suit and top hat bowed to PB. 

“Don’t do that.” PB gently warned that clone. 

“Ginger MK,”

“I could cosplay a Weasley!” Said an MKlone with vibrant orange hair. 

“Baby MK,”

“Goo!” Instead of an actual Baby-sized MK, this MKlone looked like every other MKlone, but instead of a red bandana, he wore a red baby bonnet. 

“Ok, Baby MK was not what I was expecting,” PB said

“Yeah, I think they’re doing a bit but it’s either too obscure or too old for me to understand.”

“Well, I feel ancient.” Sandy laughed good naturedly. 

“How many others are there?” PB turned towards MK. 

“There’s Monkey King Stan MK.” The young hero pointed to a clone of himself who was wearing a shoddy orange wig, a ratty teal cape, and carrying a staff that looked like it was made of paper towel rolls. 

“… That’s just you as a person but with way less of a budget,” PB told MK flatly. 

“Dang Peebles,” Porty laughed. “Didn’t have to come for the guy like that.”

“I’m gonna go poof myself now.” Monkey King Stan MK walked off sadly. 

“Wait! She didn’t mean it like that!” Called an MKlone wearing a fake pig nose and carrying a rake. 

“Who’s that?” PB raised a brow. 

“Oh, that’s Zhu Baije Stan MK.” MK smiled happily. “The clone next to him is Nezha Stan MK” He pointed to an MK who was wearing a bright pink shirt, and rollerskates, and had his hair in two small, twin buns atop his head. 

“… I don’t know who that is. Who is he?”

“You’ll like him, he’s nice!”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“Hey, MK, who’s the one next to the Nezha Stan MKlone?” Sandy asked. “I don’t recognize him. 

“Hm? Oh, that’s Tang Sanzang Stan MK.”

The group of friends turned to look at the aforementioned clone and found an MK wearing a cheaply made red crown with a white veil dripping down either side and holding a curtain rod spray-painted gold with a few gold shower rings attached. 

“I’m mischaracterized and subsequently disliked in fandom spaces.” The clone mentioned in way of a greeting. 

“Ah,” PB nodded politely. 

“Quite the charmer, isn’t he?” Bai He rolled her eyes. 

“Ooh!” PB spins around to MK, eyes sparkling with excitement. “Is there a Sha Wujing Stan MK?”

MK and Porty exchanged awkward, nervous glances at each other. Sandy frowned like a kicked kitten and PB pouted angrily at MK. “Why isn’t there a Sha Wujing Stan MK?”

“I mean, I could make one?” MK reached for his head. 

Bai He reached up and pulled his hand back down. “No, no. Don’t pull out any more hair. You’re too young for hair plugs…”

“It’s ok, Poppy.” Sandy tried to calm the girl down. 

“No it isn’t! Sha Wujing is the best character in Journey to the West and he deserves some respect!”

“You think he’s the best?” Sandy asked with a happy, tearful look. 

“Wait, what happened to Ao Lie Stan MK?” Bai He turned to Porty. “Wasn’t he with you when you walked off?”

“He was,” Porty admitted. “But home-dawg saw a hay truck driving by a couple of minutes before the Blue Crew showed up, and I couldn’t grab him in time… We should probably do something about that.”

“You don’t say?”

“I mean once OG is feeling better! I’m not heartless, y’know?”

“How are you feeling, MK?” Sandy asked. MK smiled as he gulped down the last of the tea. The young hero sighed in relief as he handed the travel mug back. 

“So much better! Thank you guys for coming on such short notice.”

“Happy to help a friend in need!” Sandy cheerfully responded, pulling MK into a quick hug. 

“Speaking of help, you want our help to clear out the clones?” PB offered. 

“That would be nice.” MK then looked out at his sea of boys with a pensive look. “I just don’t know where to start…”

“If I may make a suggestion, boss?” A clone stepped forward wearing a giant, almost cartoony, lemon-yellow monkey mascot costume. 

“Who are you supposed to be?” PB asked. 

“I’m Furry MK.” The clone answered. 

“My science textbook isn’t gonna be heavy enough for this one.” Bai He narrowed her eyes at Furry MK before turning to Porty. “Could you please get me a big rock?”

“How big we talkin’, Lil Lily?”

“Mmm, surprise me.”

“As concerning as Bai He’s immediate jump into action is, I was thinking of starting with… MKK .” 

MK blinked at his clone in confusion. “Who’s MKK?”

Furry MK reluctantly pointed to the opposite end of the park, where many clones seemed to be avoiding the area unless necessary. MK and his friends got up and walked over to the area… only to stop about three-quarters of the way there when they got a better look at this clone of MK. 

Clone, however, was a bit of a stretch. It was like he was one-third MK, one-third paper just pulled free from a paper jam, and one-third a Lovecraftian horror. Bai He immediately shrieked and terror and ran to hide behind Sandy. The shriek got MKK’s attention as he reached a disgusting hand towards the others. 

“Please…” The creature wheezed painfully. “End my suffering…”

“How?!” Porty bemoaned. “How did this happen?! You gotta poof him, OG, you gotta!” 

“I don’t wanna get too close!” MK admitted as Porty continued to shake him. “What if he eats me?”

“I can take care of it,” PB announced. She swung the bat she had been carrying around to her front side, looking ready to strike. 

“Are-are you sure, Poppy?” Sandy asked worriedly. 

“I’ve dealt with worse. Besides, I can just use your bat.” PB brandished the weapon. 

“If you’re certain…” Sandy trailed off. 

“Absolutely certain! Now, Bai He, honey, turn around and cover your ears, please. You’re a little too young to see what’s about to happen.”

“What do you mean?” The little girl asked but complied nonetheless. 

“Just that if I learned one thing as a child gladiator, it’s that just because it’s a mercy kill, doesn’t mean it’s going to be pretty.”

Chapter Text

Long ago…

Macaque sat in the branch, not pouting. He definitely wasn’t pouting or mad or even the forbidden J-word, why would anyone ever mention that? He was just sitting in a branch, far away from his best friend and his best friend’s new celestial friends for no particular reason. He wasn’t mad or the J-word. He just wanted some peace and quiet. 

Sun Wukong’s new friends were loud. Their laughs, their actions, everything about them was loud. And Macaque was a well-known fan of the softer sounds of life. Crickets at night, a fresh morning breeze through the peach trees, a gentle rain. That stuff was straight up Macaque’s alley. 

The boisterous laughter of Azure Lion was categorically not among the list of sounds Macaque liked. It was just too loud. 

So that’s why Macaque was sitting on a tree branch, munching on some fruit because Azure Lion’s laugh was a little too loud for his taste. Not because Wukong had been spending so much time with his new friend. Definitely not because the large lion had been getting a little too close to The Monkey King lately. And it had nothing to do with the fact that Wukong didn’t seem to mind. 

Nope, that wasn’t the reason at all. Macaque just wanted some peace and quiet. 

“I’m sure these peaches are as tasty as the others, but perhaps the ripe ones closer to the center of the mountain might be a bit fresher.”

Macaque sighed with an affectionate eye roll and smile. Ok, so maybe his claim of seeking out silence fell apart just a bit when his loudest brother sought him out. Still, Macaque could happily tolerate his company, despite his sour mood. 

“Have you ever considered that maybe I just wanted a change of scenery?” Macaque asked with a smirk. 

Demon Bull King raised an amused brow and cast his glance across the paradise jungle. “I suppose one paradise view can be easily exchanged for another around here.” The two sworn brothers lounge in appreciative silence for a bit. Macaque lazily lounging on the tree branch just above Demon Bull King’s head and Demon Bull King leaning against the tree with his arms crossed. 

The silence was broken when Demon Bull King glanced up at Macaque. “What troubles you, brother?”

Macaque kind of hated how easily his sworn brother saw through him. Still, Macaque did his best to avoid the question. “It’s just a little too loud for me with the others, y’know?” His ears twitched in annoyance as he caught the sound of Azure and Wukong laughing loudly from halfway across Flower Fruit Mountain. He frowned in annoyance. “Stupidly loud.”

Demon Bull King watched the shift on his brother’s face, saw the twitch of his ears, and the pieces fell into place. Sun Wukong was (intentionally or not) ignoring Macaque in favor of his new friends from Heaven. Demon Bull King took offense to this action on Macaque’s behalf. Anyone with eyes could see how deeply the ebony-furred simian cared for The Monkey King, and Demon Bull King always thought that affection was mutual, with how often Wukong could be seen around Macaque. Still, this type of behavior, ignoring one’s closest companion in favor of a new friend, rubbed Demon Bull King the wrong way. 

Macaque was a bit too passive to take the action necessary to rectify this slight, but Demon Bull King was far from passive. “I wouldn’t worry about our sworn brother for much longer, dear friend.”

“Oh, is that so?” Macaque asked. He recognized the look on Demon Bull King’s face. The way he puffed his massive chest out just a bit more. He was looking for a fight. “What? Are you gonna kick Wukong’s but or something?”

“Nope! I have something better planned.”

“Oh? And what’s that?”

“I’m going to top him.”

“Ha! Serves him right—-wait, wait.” Macaque sighed. The words hit him like a smack to the head. A small flash of purple and the glamor around his ears was gone. “One more time for all six ears, if you’d please.”

Demon Bull King raised a brow. Macaque hardly ever showed his true ears to anyone—something about it often being too loud to do so. Wukong, of course, knew of them and had seen them multiple times. Often gushing about how petal-like they were, if Demon Bull King could recall. But it was only until recently that Demon Bull King had seen the six ears for himself. And he had felt honored, deeply honored, to be trusted with such a sight. 

He knew that none of the other brothers had seen the ears. Demon Bull King was certain that they theorized if the ears were real, at least. Why else would someone be called The Six-Eared Macaque if he didn’t have Six Ears? But, so far it was only Wukong and himself that had physically seen the tri-colored appendages in person. So Demon Bull King was a little puzzled why Macaque was bringing them out now. 

“I don’t understand, brother. Where are you getting confused?”

“Just—just for my benefit, repeat to me your great plan.”

“I’m going to top Sun Wukong the Monkey King.” Demon Bull King shrugged. “What’s so confusing about that?”

“… Elaborate for me, please?”

“Well, when he least expects it, I’m going to lay him out, climb on him, and then—I will top him!”

Macaque blinked at his sworn brother. “Right, right… Do you want to phrase that in any other way?”

“Well, how else would you describe it? Sun Wukong, beneath me, submissive. Me, atop him, his conqueror.”

“Oh… oh, that’s gonna get lost in translation somewhere.”

“Oh, but you have no reason to fear, brother!”

“Something tells me I do…”

“For when Sun Wukong weeps his tears at having finally been topped, he will understand the severity of his crimes.”

Macaque stared at Demon Bull King, mouth pressed into a thin line as he waited for the purple behemoth to turn and laugh at the joke he was telling. Nope. He was serious. He was doing this. Oh Merciful Guanyin, he was doing this. “I am going to give you one last chance to change anything about your turn of phrase.”

“What are you so insistent about, Brother? I am doing this to avenge your honor after all.”

Well, now Macaque felt two different kinds of bad. Still, he didn’t want to change his phrasing, so he was stuck. “Ok, I guess we’re doing this. What are the rest of the brotherhood going to think?”

“Oh, they're going to watch!”

“Oh really now?” Macaque leaned forward, hands tucked under his chin in a vague gesture of pretending to be interested. 

“And they’re going to cheer us on the whole time .”

“Ok, ok, a wonderful mental image there. But what are the other monkeys going to think about you… topping their king?”

“Oh, they’re gonna be in the mix.”

“They’re gonna be in the mix!” Macaque threw his hands in the air. 

“Yes, someone has to hold Sun Wukong down while I top him aggressively.”

“So, that’s your story and you’re sticking to it?” Macaque asked. “You want to top Sun Wukong, the Monkey King?”

Demon Bull King leaned back with a satisfied smile. “And the world shall rejoice when I do.”

“Well… you’re certainly going to make some people happy.” Macaque shook his head with a smile. There’s no way Demon Bull King would actually go through with it, right?

Macaque tentatively approached his brothers at the table, though his eyes were scanning the tree line for any sign of the so far absent brothers at the meeting. 

Azure Lion smiled at him in greeting, easing his glass to toast his welcome. “Ah, Macaque! Glad you could join us.” Macaque ignored how the greeting sounded a bit forced. Like a shopkeeper greeting a customer just as he was about to close his stand for the day. 

“Oh, uh, hiya. Nice to see you guys again.” It didn’t escape anyone’s notice how Macaque seemed distracted. 

“What’s the matter, little rat?” Peng asked with a snide grin. “Looking for your dear king, I presume? Could you not just crawl out of his shadow and save yourself the trouble?” 

“Have you guys seen Brother Ox?” Macaque asked, finally turning his full attention to the others. It caught the others off guard a bit. 

“Not recently,” Yellowtusk answered. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, we were having a conversation yesterday and he got this idea in his head and I’m just realizing I probably should have done more to stop him from following through with it.” Macaque scratched the back of his head awkwardly. “I just need to find him and talk him down before he does something stupid.”

“I don’t think he would do anything foolish,” Azure tried to play devil’s advocate, while still standing to his feet with a nervous look about him. 

“Not unless it’s a day ending in ‘Y’,” Peng commented dryly. 

“Peng.” Azure admonished them before turning to Macaque. “What did you two discuss yesterday?”

“Well… He got it in his head that he wanted to… Well he wanted… huh…”

“Is everything alright, brother?” Yellowtusk asked with a concerned eyebrow raised. “You look like you’re having trouble finding your words.”

“I’m just trying to figure out how to explain this without any of you losing respect for Brother Ox.”

“It can’t be that bad… Can it?” Azure asked uncertainly. Macaque just shot the large cat a look that said it can be. 

Peng sighed dramatically as if it was a slight on them that they had to stand up. “Well, better to find the oaf and stop him before it’s too late, yes?”

“If we each take a section of the mountain, we should be able to find him before things get out of hand,” Yellowtusk spoke as he stood. “Macaque, you know the north section best, so you head there. Azure can take the eastern side, Peng can take the south side, and I’ll cover the Western half.”

“Perfect! But if any of you see Wukong, keep him as far from Demon Bull King as possible.” Macaque advised. 

“Is Demon Bull King planning something against Sun Wukong?” Azure asked. 

“Kind of? It’s more like he’s gonna do something stupid and Wukong will reflexively flatten him in response.”

“What exactly is he planning to do?” Peng asked. 

“It’s less what he’s planning to do, than how he’s going about saying it.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Well—” Macaque was cut off when he heard a rumble in the distance followed by a bellowing shout at the southern beach of Flower Fruit Mountain. 

“SUN WUKONG!” The birds in the trees flew from their perches at the roar. 

“Found him,” Peng remarked. 

“Oh no…” Macaque trailed off worriedly. 

“We should probably—” Azure gestured vaguely in the direction of the shout. 

“Macaque could you—?” Yellowtusk asked. 

“Here we go,” was all the warning Macaque gave his brothers as he opened a shadowy portal beneath their feet, dropping them all. 

The rest of the Brotherhood fell upwards onto the sandy shores. A quick scan allowed them to spot Sun Wukong lounging against a tree near the water’s edge. Demon Bull King stood tall and imposing behind him, steam rushing out of his nostrils as he towered over the clueless king. 

“DBK!” Sun Wukong greeted his dear friend cheerfully. “Sorry, I didn’t know you were here! This beach is supposed to be private, so let’s head back to the palace, ok?”

As Sun Wukong started to stand, Demon Bull King held him back with a simple finger to his forehead. “You shall stay put and take your punishment as the King you are.”

With a face full of finger, Wukong paused to digest this information. “… I beg your pardon?”

“Begging will get you nowhere, fool.”

Azure’s eyes widened at just how bad this situation was turning out to be in such a short amount of time. “We should step in. Right?”

“I’m not so certain getting in the middle of… whatever this is, is a wise idea.” Yellowtusk placed a hand on Azure’s shoulders. 

“Well, it’s not good to just leave him out there like that!” Azure gestured towards Demon Bull King. “It’s like handing a lamb over for slaughter…”

Peng stroked their chin. “What exactly does he mean by ‘punishment’?”

“I should have done more to stop this…” Macaque ran his hands through his hair in stress. Peng scoffed beside him. 

“Don’t pull out your fur over this, you know how Brother Ox gets when he’s an idea in his head. Nothing can stop him.”

“I could have at least stopped it before it got this far! Ugh, why did I think he wouldn’t go through with it?”

“Go through with what exactly?” Yellowtusk asked. 

“Bull King, I suggest taking your hand out of my face before this gets ugly.” Wukong pushed his friend's finger out of his face. “Now, what exactly do you mean by ‘punishment’? Cause I’ll be the first to tell ya, I haven’t done anything wrong!” Wukong paused for a moment in thought before smirking cheekily. “This week.”

Demon Bull King huffed indignantly. “And to pretend you are innocent. Oh, I am glad our brothers are here to watch—”

“Oh nooo….” Macaque buried his face in his hands, trying to hide his shame. 

“—as I top you aggressively ! Your humiliation shall be your punishment for your transgressions.”

Wukong looked up at Demon Bull King in muted surprise, not fully understanding what was going on. From behind them, their brothers had a similar reaction. Azure’s jaw was all but touching the sandy shore, and Yellowtusk’s eyes were wide as he tried to compute what exactly his sworn brother had just said, Macaque still had his face buried in his hands and his ears burned with the embarrassed blush that overtook his head, while Peng looked gobsmacked. 

It wasn’t until Peng began to chortle that Sun Wukong was able to give a proper reaction. His face twisted in disgust and mild horror as he gazed up at his friend. “You want to what me aggressively?”

Peng burst into full-blown laughter. Doubling over until they were rolling on the beach in laughter. Azure, looking as if he had lived through a thousand wars in one second, turned to Macaque. “I am so sorry I doubted you.”

Macaque only screamed mutely into his own hands while Yellowtusk massaged his temples and began to count backward from ten. “Ok, I see what the problem is. Phrasing is just as important as intent, but Brother Ox has never been the scholarly type.”

“My only shame is your subjects cannot be here to witness what is about to happen.” Demon Bull King said, stepping towards Sun Wukong. The Monkey King immediately sprang a few yards back, almost launching himself into the water. 

“You stay away from me!” Wukong pointed at Demon Bull King. 

“You shall face punishment, brother.” Demon Bull King stalked toward Sun Wukong. 

“What did I do to deserve this?!”

Peng began to cough and gasp for breath, laughing to the point where tears sprang from their eyes. “Oh, oh this is perfect. Unbelievable really. We haven’t had this kind of entertainment in ages!”

“Peng,” Azure admonished. “This is bad! Wukong is going to flatten him.”

“Oh, he’ll be fine!” Peng waved away Azure’s concerns. They propped themselves on their elbows and wiped some tears from their eyes. “It’s not like Brother Ox will get too far in his ‘grand scheme’. The second Wukong whips out his staff, he’ll back off.”

“I envy your confidence in our brother's capability, Peng.” Yellowtusk sighed. “But we need to stop this before it gets out of hand.”

“Oh, you’re no fun!”

“You have ignored those closest to you for too long now, Sun Wukong!” Demon Bull King pointed an accusatory finger at said monkey. “And now, you shall pay for your crimes as our brothers cheer me on to victory!”

“We’re not going to do that,” Azure called out but was ignored. 

“I’m gonna give you one last chance to back off,” Wukong warned his friend. 

“What are you so insistent on, brother?” Demon Bull King asked. “It’s for your own good!” 

As Demon Bull King went to charge the Monkey King, Sun Wukong pulled out his staff and used it to punt the large bull far from him with a loud cry of “Get away from me you weirdo!”

Demon Bull King was sent flying deep into the nearby jungle. Azure, Macaque, and Yellowtusk all winced as they heard their brother crash to the ground far away. Peng started cackling again. “Oh, you just can’t make this kind of stuff up!”

Sun Wukong snarled and began stomping off after Demon Bull King, likely on his way to give his bruised brother a piece of his mind. Macaque saw this and immediately went to go forward. “Wukong, hang on a second—!”

“Oh no you don’t!” Peng leaned forward, clamping one hand around Macaque’s mouth and using the other to hold him back. “This is the most entertaining thing I’ve seen in months, and you are not going to ruin it for me.”

“Peng!” Azure and Yellowtusk scolded their companion while Macaque swatted them away like an irritating fly. 

“Do you want DBK to be turned into fresh steak?” Macaque shoved the bird demon away, storming off in a huff to catch up to his other friends. “I’ve gotta do some damage control!”

Azure and Yellowtusk shot Peng a disapproving look as they followed after Macaque. The bird demon scoffed and crossed their arms, before reluctantly trudging off after their friends. “Bunch of party poppers, the lot of them…”

Macaque follows the sounds of a one-sided fight across the jungle until he hears a large Crack! of something hitting a rocky wall. With Azure and Yellowtusk on his tail, the shadow monkey dashed forward until he came to a clearing. The three skidded to a halt when they saw Demon Bull King lying badly beaten in front of the base of a mountain. 

“Just—just stop, ok?!” Sun Wukong frustratedly asked his friend. “I don’t like what you’re saying and I don’t want you to top me either. Just take no for an answer already and leave me alone!”

Demon Bull King shook his head, trying to push past his injuries. “I will not stop… not until—until you have been topped. Then you will finally understand…”

Wukong stared at him in disbelief before, blinded by confusion and frustration, he raised his staff for one more strike against his dear brother. Macaque gaped in shock for a moment before rushing forward with his own staff at the ready. Wukong’s staff clanged against Macaque’s so fiercely that it sent a shockwave of energy across the land, nearly knocking Azure and Yellowtusk over. 

“Wukong, just calm down!” Macaque told his friend. 

“Out of the way, Macaque.” Wukong ground. “Someone’s gotta teach DBK about consent.”

“Calm down, Wukong. It’s not as bad as you think!”

“Not as bad—? He said he wanted to top me aggressively !”

“He’s a little confused, he didn’t know what he meant or how it sounded. Just back off and let the guy breathe!”

“But he—”

“Back. Off. Now!” Macaque told his king fiercely. 

Wukong looked on as his warrior blatantly stood in his way, defending the Demon Bull King from receiving his just desserts. The Monkey King blinked back his surprise. Macaque had never stood up to him like this before, the two were usually on the same page about just about everything. 

Well, except fireworks… And Wukong’s constant trips to Heaven… And about which fruit was the best… And now, apparently, about how best to punish DBK for threatening Sun Wukong like he did. 

Wukong went to open his mouth and retaliate but a large paw on his shoulder stalled him. Azure Lion looked down at the Monkey King pleadingly. “Brother, believe me. This was just a misunderstanding! Hold your attack, Brother Ox doesn’t deserve this…”

Sun Wukong narrowed his eyes at his friend's words before turning to Macaque. His best friend, his warrior, his moon. Who looked at him, silently begging Wukong to understand. “Wukong, c’mon… The guy has had enough.”

Reluctantly, Wukong stood down. Shrinking his staff and tucking it behind his ear before crossing his arms and turning from DBK in a huff. The Monkey King’s chin held high. He would let his friend go, for now, but Demon Bull King had a lot of explaining to do once he was healed up. 

Azure and Macaque sighed in relief as Yellowtusk sidestepped the two and rushed over to check on Demon Bull King. Macaque and Wukong exchanged a quick look before Macaque followed after Yellowtusk. 

Peng lazily strolled up to Azure and Wukong, fashionably late to help. “Oh, darn. Guess I missed the rest of the show.” They then winced as they took in Demon Bull King’s haggard appearance. “Yeesh, you did quite the number on him, Wukong. I understand you were frustrated, but you could have gone a bit easier on him, don’t you think?”

“Why am I the one getting talked down to?” Wukong asked incredulously. “ He threatened me first!”

Macaque approached Demon Bull King just as Yellowtusk was examining the bull’s arm. “Hmm,” he hummed. “It’s not broken. But it could be sprained. You’re lucky, you could have been seriously hurt.”

“Ugh, I could have handled it.”

“I’m… sure you could have…”

Demon Bull King glanced down at Macaque. “Why would you stop me, brother? I would have thought you would have been happy to see Wukong get his just desserts.”

“Listen, I’m all for pranking Wukong as much as the next guy,” Macaque placed a hand on Demon Bull King’s massive fist. “But I think you got it in your head that you needed to do something you didn’t have to… and then made everything worse when you didn’t take into account the phrasing of your sentences.”

“Phrasing? What do you mean?”

“DBK… you said you wanted to top Sun Wukong. Top the Monkey King. Do you not understand what you said?”

“I understand perfectly, I wanted to top Monkey King in combat!”

Macaque shook his head shamefully, facepalming. “No, brother. No…”

“Uh, brother, may I have your ear for a moment?” Yellowtusk asked diplomatically. “I think there is something you need to understand.”

“And that is?”

Wukong, Azure, and Peng watched from afar as Yellowtusk leaned into Demon Bull King’s ear, whispering something. The three watched as their brother’s eyes widened in horror at the realization of what he had been saying finally dawned on him. Demon Bull King facepalmed. “When you asked me to repeat what I had said,” he spoke to Macaque. “Oh, I should have known then what you meant!” 

Yellowtusk laughed good naturedly at his brother's remark. 

Azure sighed in relief. “Well, at least he understands now.”

“Yay for him…” Wukong drawled, waving his finger in a sarcastic “whoop-de-doo” motion. 

“All's well that ends well, I suppose.” Peng crossed their arms and leaned against Azure. “It was a team effort after all.”

“Oh, you were no help at all, Peng.” Azure sent the bird demon a cross look. 

Macaque glanced up at Demon Bull King awkwardly. “I… I should apologize. I should have pulled you back before things got out of hand. I’m sorry.”

Demon Bull King held up a hand and shook his head. “No, no. I won’t hear it. I should be the one apologizing to you.”

“To me? What do you have to apologize for?”

“I started this whole ordeal because I saw how upset you had been recently… I had just wanted to cheer you up and well, clearly that didn’t work.”

“Wait, hold on,” Macaque looked at his brother, bewildered. “You started this whole ordeal of wanting to top Wukong… to cheer me up… Why?”

“Why? Because we are friends!” Demon Bull King said it as if it were obvious. “Why else would I make such a fool of myself?”

It finally registered to Macaque that, for as much as he had come to admire and respect Demon Bull King, he hadn’t expected the same level of admiration and respect back. He had come to expect being written off and ignored, like with his other “sworn brothers”. But Demon Bull King had done all of this to try and cheer him up. That was probably one of the kindest gestures anyone outside of Wukong had done for him. 

The novelty of it all struck Macaque hard, and he couldn’t help but laugh. He laughed so hard he knocked himself back onto his tail. The shadow simian looked up at Demon Bull King with the first genuine smile he had in weeks. “I’m glad I’m your friend… Thank you, Brother. For trying to cheer me up.”

Demon Bull King smiled at his friend's words. Happy that, despite his epic failure in execution, the end goal of cheering his friend up had worked out. 

Yellowtusk cleared his throat to make his presence known. “Well, glad we cleared the air. But we should probably get Brother Ox back to the palace and give him a thorough check-up. Just to make sure nothing is too injured. Macaque, would you mind…?”

“Yeah, no problem.” Macaque turned and waved back toward his other brothers. Azure politely waved back while Peng rolled their eyes. Macaque noticed that Wukong looked a bit flabbergasted, but chalked that up to his friend still being confused at the sudden turn of events. “I’m gonna take Yellowtusk and DBK back to the palace. You guys wanna hitch a ride?”

Azure and Peng side-eyed The Monkey King and, noticing his still clenched fists, shook their heads. “A walk back will do us some good, I think!” Azure called back. “Clear our heads and all. We’ll catch up with you three in a bit.”

Macaque shrugged. “Suit yourselves.” And then the three were gone, sinking into the ground in the blink of an eye and a flash of purple. 

Peng rolled their eyes. “Back to the boring status quo, as usual, I suppose.”

“Come now, Peng,” Azure placed a hand on their shoulder. “A status quo is a wonderful thing! Besides, better this than a needless war between the Bull Clan and Flower Fruit Mountain, yes?”

Peng chuckled at Azure’s joke. “I suppose I can deal with a little tediousness if it means I wouldn’t have to back either of you fools in war.”

“Exactly! Come, brothers, let’s head back before dinner is spoiled.” Azure and Peng started to walk away, but stopped once they realized Wukong wasn’t following them. “Sun Wukong?” Azure turned toward his sworn brother. “Is everything alright?”

Sun Wukong turned to his sworn brothers, arms crossed and a sour look on his face. “Have Macaque and DBK always been this chummy, or is it just a new thing I noticed?”

Azure sighed while Peng shook their head and pinched their brow in annoyance. 

Chapter Text

MK knocked on the door of the wooden hut as PB looked behind her, still in awe of Flower Fruit Mountain’s beauty. Wukong swung open the door with a big grin. “Hey, bud! Hey, Pops! Glad you two could make it.”

The Great Sage waved his student and friend inside before shutting the door behind him. “Thanks again for helping out, PB, Monkey King.”

“Nah, don’t sweat it.” Wukong waved the praise away before turning to PB. “MK mentioned you had an idea on how to improve your reading?”

PB nodded happily. “Yup, yup! Sandy said that listening to audiobooks while reading the actual book can help improve reading comprehension.”

“And, she’s been asking Mr. Tang a lot of Journey to the West questions lately,” MK added, “so I figured we could kill two birds with one stone and start her off with The Journey to the West book!” MK grinned and then patted himself on the back. “Heh, Smartie Kid knows how to help his friends…”

Wukong rolled his eyes fondly at his student’s antics. “Luckily for you, Pops, I have a few versions of the Journey on audio format.”

“And I have a copy of the book that Sandy let me borrow, and a notebook and pen to try and write stuff down.” PB held up the pen in question. It had a fuzzy pink Pom-Pom on the end. The Pom-Pom also had a set of googly eyes. PB shook the pen, and the eyes rattled. 

“Ooooh~” said MK and Monkey King appreciatively. 

PB smiled before tucking the pen into the notebook. “I don’t have any headphones, though. Sandy lost his last week and hasn’t been able to get a replacement yet.”

“Not a problem, you can just borrow my headphones. MK, do me a favor, bud, and go grab the box of flash drives from the bottom of my closet. I saved a couple of different audiobooks on them, so the Journey to the West has to be on a least one of them.”

“You got it!” MK saluted Wukong before running down the hallway, off to complete his quest. 

“Make yourself comfy, PB, I just gotta dig my headphones out.” Wukong scanned his living room, trying to remember where he last set his headphones down. 

PB happily obliged, bouncing over to Wukong’s couch and sitting criss-cross style as she waited. She was rocking back and forth, humming happily to herself as she looked at the decorations in the Monkey King’s home, when Wukong let out a proud “Aha!”

The Great Sage held up his headphones to PB. “I will warn you, they’re a little old. And they also have a habit of disconnecting from Bluetooth from time to time. And they might also let out a loud screeching noise, but you should be fine!”

Wukong went to hand PB his headphones, but found her looking at the things in a strange mix of surprise and disgust. The potionologist blinked at the offered item, then at Wukong, and then back at the headphones. 

“I’m not using those, Mr. King.”

“What?” Wukong asked, a little offended. “Why not?”

“Because I’m afraid if I just look at them funny, they’re gonna disintegrate or something.”

“Oh, psh, they’re not that bad.”

“I beg to differ.” PB eyed the headphones warily. They were a faded cyan color with dirty yellow ear cuffs. The band was creasing at the center, like one sneeze could snap it in half. Foam was leaking out of cuts on the ear cuffs. And if PB had to guess, there were about twenty scratches on the left side of the headphones alone. 

“Aw, c’mon, they’re still good!” Wukong tried and failed to reassure her. 

“Mr. King, you need to get new headphones,” PB said. 

“I’m telling you, these are fine.” Monkey King rolled his eyes. 

“You just told me they keep disconnecting on you, completely at random, no less.”

“They’re just a little worn out. They’re still perfectly functional.”

“ A little worn out ?” PB gaped at the Great Sage. “The band is practically snapped in half, there’s foam stuff coming out of the ear cuffs, they’re scratched worse than the cat trees in Sandy’s living room, and—” She leaned forward to sniff them, wrinkling her nose after she did so. “Why do they smell like pee?”

“Yeah, the little monkeys got in here a couple of weeks back. Could’ve sworn I cleaned up the mess and got rid of the smell, though…”

“Get new headphones!”

“No, they still work!”

PB raised an eyebrow at Monkey King. 

“… Mostly.”

“What exactly does 'mostly' entail?”

“Well… Ok, so sometimes the volume doesn’t work, and maybe at complete random, the headphone will let out a teensy, tiny, barely even audible… ear-piercing screech…”

“Ok, at this point it’s no longer a friendly suggestion, but a gentle threat when I say to you: Get. New. Headphones. ”

“No! Ok, look, you don’t have a big grasp on how expensive, time-consuming, and tricky shopping for new headphones can be, but I do. And I don’t want to deal with that. These headphones are like an old family friend.” Wukong held his poor, poor headphones up with one hand and crossed his heart with the other. “And there's nothing short of an actual divine intervention that could get me to replace them!”

PB was about to roll her eyes at the stubborn Monkey King when all the lights in Monkey King’s hut began to flicker, before finally cutting out. Then, heralded by an unseen choir of heavenly singing voices, a beam of holy light shone down upon the headphones. Wukong and PB looked at the light in confusion, before suddenly lightning struck the headphones, setting them ablaze. 

Light flickering back to normal, the two stared at the miserable headphones with wildly different expressions. Wukong stared in confusion at the appearance of the sudden beam of holy light, while PB crossed her arms with a pointed glare aimed specifically at Wukong. The Great Sage turned his confused look to her, not getting why she was being so hostile. 

PB angrily gestured to the still-on-fire headphones, and then to the sky where the beam of holy light had just been. Moving her hands between the two as if to say, “See? See?!”

Wukong side-eyed his headphones. “… That doesn’t count.”

“ What does count then?! ” PB exclaimed.

Chapter Text

MK had just dug out the box of flash drives from the closet when he heard the sound of a lightning strike and smelled the familiar pang of ozone mixed with fire. He didn’t hear Monkey King or PB screaming, so he figured whatever situation was out there was handled. Thus allowing him time to put things back in order. 

When he heard PB shriek, “What does count then?!” He figured he should head back. 

The young hero entered the living room to find PB and Monkey King arguing over what looked like a charred set of broken headphones. “What’s going on in here?”

“MK, tell your mentor to stop being stubborn and just buy a new set of headphones!” PB pointed a finger at Wukong. 

“Bud, tell Pops here that my headphones are fine as they are and I don’t need to waste my precious time or money replacing them.” Wukong jabbed his thumb lazily at PB. 

“ Fine ?” PB questioned. “They’re hanging on by a wire, literally!”

“Nothing a little duct tape can’t fix.”

“What about the fact that the foam around the ears is tattered and torn?”

“I’ll get some puffy paint to fill in the missing parts.”

“They were just set on fire!”

“And that’s why I keep baking soda in my fridge, for just such emergencies.” 

MK blinked at the scene as PB growled at Wukong and grabbed him by his shirt collar. The Great Sage held up his hands to try to placate her, dropping his headphones in the process. MK set the box of flash drives he was holding down on a nearby table and examined the headphone. 

“Hmm,” MK hummed thoughtfully as he turned the headphones this way and that. Finally, he shook his head and turned to PB, who was actively strangling Wukong while insisting he buy new headphones. “Sorry, Peebles, but I’m not gonna be much help on the matter.”

This got the attention of both his good friend and his mentor, as both turned to look at him with confused expressions. “What do you mean, MK?” PB asked. 

“Well, it’s just…” MK sighed. “Here, let me grab something from my bag. One second.”

As MK walked over to his backpack and began to dig around in it, PB reluctantly released Wukong from the chokehold she had him in. The Great Sage dusted himself off as she turned away with a petulant glare. The Monkey King then maturely stuck out his tongue and made his best neener-neener face at her. Until PB turned around and stomped menacingly at him, a firm glare in place. The Mighty Fighting Buddha flinched back in fear as PB huffed and turned her nose up at him. Wukong deflated a bit, embarrassed by his defeat. 

“Ok, this right here is why I’m the wrong person to ask for help on this matter,” said MK as he walked back over to his friends, carrying a beachball-sized wad of duct tape. 

PB and Wukong stared blankly at it for a moment. 

“Um, bud, what is… that exactly?” Wukong gestured to the wad of duct tape. 

“These are my headphones!”

PB’s jaw dropped in disbelief. “W-what?”

“Yeah, I brought them just in case Monkey King didn’t have any headphones for you to use, Peebles.”

Wukong smirked at PB, who still looked to be trying to process this information. 

“But-but,” PB said lamely. “That’s just a ball of duct tape!”

“The headphones still work!” MK assured his friend. “I just… need to repair them every so often. Besides, why spend my hard-earned money on something that could just be fixed?”

“My thoughts exactly, bud!” Wukong said from atop his newly acquired high horse. 

PB ran a hand through her hair in frustration, letting out something between a groan and a frustrated scream in the process. The girl had come to the realization that just short of beating the logic into their thick skulls, neither MK nor Monkey King would listen to her on this matter. 

And she really didn’t want to kick their butts today. She didn’t have the energy for it. “I’m giving you both one last chance: Promise me to get new headphones?”

“We don’t need them. They’re fine!” Wukong said, and MK nodded in agreement. 

Sighing in defeat, PB visibly wilted before reaching out a hand to MK. “Can I borrow your phone real quick, MK?”

“Oh yeah, here you go.” MK happily unlocked his phone and passed it to his friend. 

PB started to tap on the phone. While reading was still something she struggled with, she was good at recognizing pictures and colors. So she easily found MK’s contact list and dialed a number saved to his favorites list. The Monkey King and Monkie Kid stared at her in confusion. After a moment, she spoke. 

“Hey, Mei, it’s me, PB.” 

MK’s eyes widened in panic, realizing quickly what PB was going to do. “Wait, no! PB, don’t!”

“Yeah, MK let me borrow his phone. Listen, speaking of MK—”

“Don’t tell Mei about my headphones!” MK begged. “I promised her I would get new ones months ago, and I keep putting it off.”

“—it’s about his headphones, actually… Yes, he still has the wad of duct tape… No. It’s bigger than my head now… Uh huh… Uh huh… Yeah, that’s what he said, word for word…”

As MK cried and begged at PB’s feet, Wukong just chuckled. Rolling his eyes at his student’s unnecessary theatrics. “Aw, sorry, bud. Looks like someone’s gonna be spending some time and money on headphone shopping~”

“… Uh huh… Uh huh… Oh, hey, do you wanna hear about Monkey King’s headphones?”

Wukong’s eyes widened. “PB, what’re you doing?”

“Yeah, they’re bad. Not a ball of duct tape bad, but pretty bad.”

“Poppy, Poppy, stop. What’re you doing? This seems unnecessary…”

“Like the foam on the headphones is just non-existent at this point… Yeah, the band is being held by duct tape, but it’s not good.”

“You don’t have to do this! My headphones are fine!”

“And they caught fire recently, too! … No, I’m serious. I watched it happen in front of my eyes… Divine intervention style… Y’know Heavenly Choir, Beam of Light, and a Crack of Thunder… And he still thinks he can fix it!”

“She’s a liar!” Wukong shouted desperately into the phone. “She’s a liar, and our headphones are fine!”

“Uh huh… Uh huh… Yeah, they’re both begging me to stop… It is kinda pathetic actually, yeah… Uh huh… Uh huh… Uh huh… Ok, thanks, Mei! See you soon.” PB hit the button to hang up the call with a chipper smile on her face. She handed the phone back to MK. 

“How… how could you do this to us?” MK asked with a shaking voice. “Do you know what you’ve just unleashed?!”

“… Yeah. Our friend, Mei.” PB said. 

“She’s gonna bully us.” Wukong looked fearful. “She’s gonna bully us so bad!”

“Are you kidding me?” MK asked his mentor. “That’s the least of our worries! She’s probably grabbing her sword and is gonna teach us the Goods v. Service Trade Principles with that thing!”

“She did mention grabbing her sword, yes,” PB confirmed. 

Mentor and Student look at each other in horror. “We’ve gotta hide, now!” they decided. 

As mentor and student scrambled to find somewhere on the mountain they could hide from Mei, PB watched their busted headphones and balls of duct tape clatter to the floor. Judging by the sounds both objects made as they hit, both headphones were damaged even further beyond repair. PB shrugged, grabbed a banana from the nearby bowl, and plopped herself on Monkey King’s couch to await Mei and her sword’s arrival. 

“I warned them,” PB said, flicking on the TV. Reading lessons would have to wait for another day. 

Chapter Text

“Have fun, Bai He!” MK called out. 

“I will!” Bai He waved back at him as she ran towards the playground equipment. 

“Make good choices!” Mei shouted. 

“I make no promises!” Bai He grinned as she approached a tall, multi-colored slide. 

MK and Mei took a seat on a nearby bench as they watched Bai He begin to play with a group of children she met on the way to the slide. MK sighed contentedly. The sun was shining, it was a perfect Spring day, and no demons had tried to attack him or destroy the city. Today was good. 

As Bai He and the children began to play, Mei couldn’t help but comment. “Isn’t she the best?”

“She is!” MK agreed. “I love our Little Lily so much.”

“I love her more.” Mei smiled. 

MK blinked in confusion. “Hey… Mei?”

“What’s up, Monkey Man?”

“I think you misspoke just now.”

“Weird. Doesn’t seem like something I’d do…”

“It’s just… You meant to say: “I love her too”, right?”

“Oh, that!” Mei laughed good naturedly. “No, I meant what I said.”

“Right, got it!… So you’re a liar then?”

“You really wanna do this in public, MK?” The threat in Mei’s voice was clear, despite the sweet smile she wore. 

“I just think it’s important we set a good example for Bai He. And you denying facts is no bueno .”

Mei laughed. “Here’s a fact for you: If you keep being a silly goose, I’m gonna get cooking!”

“I wish you’d try.”

“Do you now?”

“I am praying for it.”

As Mei glared at her best friend, Bai He called out from atop the multi-colored slide. “What’s going on? Are you guys ok?”

“Everything’s fine, Little Lily!” Mei called out her reassurance. “Big Sis Mei is just fixing to cook a silly goose at 350 for twenty minutes. You want any?”

“No thanks! I prefer McDonald's…”

“Here’s another fun fact: Do you know how much you love Bai He?” MK asked politely, turning to give Mei an icy smile. 

“Sure do!”

“Got a number?”

“ Big one.”

“See, I don’t think it is.”

“You’d be wrong!~”

“Because I love her one thousand times more than that.”

Mei, remembering she was in a park surrounded by impressionable children, forced a grin. “You b-word.”

“Yup.” MK popped the P, lounging back on the bench 

“You effing, s-eating b-word.”

“Keep coping.”

“Well, that number—”

“Ha-ha,” MK glared at his best friend. “Don’t you dare.”

“—That pretty little number that you’re thinking of—”

“I’m warning you: don’t do it.”

“I love her— le million times more than that.”

“I love her infinitely more than you love her.”

“How very dare you!”

“I warned you.”

“You were ready for me…”

“It wasn’t that hard.”

“You’re a weenie for that, MK. You know that, right?”

“Die mad.”

Mei slammed her palms on the park bench before turning to MK. “I love her a little bit more than you love her.”

“You can’t go higher than infinity!” MK said through gritted teeth. 

“ Love. Defies. Math! ”

“I see… Well, if that’s the case, then the honorable thing to do would be to— Bai He! Big Bro MK is gonna buy you McDonald's! ”

“Bribery!” Mei pointed an accusatory finger at MK. 

MK turned to Mei with a victorious grin. “All's fair in love and war, Mei!”

Mei jumped up and pushed herself in front of MK. “I’m gonna buy you more McDonald's, Bai He!”

“I can buy you every McDonald's!”

“I love you the most!”

“No, I do!”

“Ahem,” MK and Mei turned around at the sound of someone clearing their throat, and could feel their hearts stop in real time. 

“Oh, uh, hiiiii Macaque… What’s up?” Mei tried for casual and missed by a country mile. 

Macaque smiled kindly at the two young heroes. “Why don’t you two take a seat?”

“Right!”

“Yes, sir!”

Macaque stretched his arms and draped them across the back of the bench. MK and Mei felt their weight like a flower feels a boulder crushing it. “Bai He looks like she’s having fun.”

“Yup!”

“Sure is!”

“… What were you two talking about before I showed up?”

“Nothing!”

“Absolutely nothing!”

“Not saying anything you don’t mean?”

“Why would we do that?”

“Seems out of character for us…”

“Good, good… Not writing checks, your mouths couldn’t cash, were you? ” Macaque’s eyes started to glow purple as his tone became low and dangerous. 

“N-nope!” MK felt his heart drop to his stomach. 

“That seems detrimental to our long-term health.” Mei was sweating. 

“That’s what I thought,” Macaque said. 

Bai He came running over the second she saw Macaque had joined MK and Mei on the bench. The warrior stood to greet the girl and caught her in a spinning hug as she cried out his name excitedly. 

“Macaque, I was just promised, quote: “Every McDonald” . Can we make that happen, and if so, how quickly can we make it happen?”

“Bai He, if you think you can just bat your cute little eyelashes and get whatever you want, you are very perceptive and absolutely correct. Let’s go, MK and Mei are buying.”

“Yippee!” Bai He cheered as Macaque began to walk off, presumably toward a McDonald's. 

As he did, MK and Mei watched as he turned over his shoulder to smirk at them. That’s when MK and Mei remembered something: In a contest of who could and would love Bai He the most, Macaque would always win in a landslide. 

Chapter Text

Red Son finished slurping his bowl of takeout noodles and set it behind him, grabbing one of the few napkins that hadn’t blown away in the wind. The Demon Prince heard the unmistakable sound of a camera shutter, followed by some familiar giggling. 

“Is it really necessary to take a picture of me every time I use a takeout napkin, Dragon Girl?” Red Son hoped the eyeroll was audible when he spoke. 

Mei rolled her eyes as well; meanwhile, MK failed to cover the snicker coming out of his mouth. “It’s not our fault that it’s one of our favorite types of pictures of you.”

“Yeah, stop looking so adorable, and maybe we won’t take any pictures of you.”

Favorite types? Plural? There are multiple? They think I’m cute?! Red Son coughed to try to hide the stuttering of his heart. The three friends were sitting atop Pigsy's Noodles and MK’s apartment, enjoying a peaceful afternoon. A rare occasion in Megapolis, given the city perpetually attracted demons like moths to a flame. It was nice of MK and Mei to invite Red Son to join them as part of this peace. Red Son did enjoy spending time with them whenever he could… now if only he could reign in the crush he had on the two heroes, or better yet, actually voice his feelings, he’d be doing better. 

“You peasants are a nuisance on my peace.” Red Son spoke with a calm undertone of disinterest. 

Why would you say that? Red wondered internally. Why didn’t you call them cute as well? You think they’re adorable, tell them that!

“Not to mention you both are just generally annoying.” 

“You think so?” MK asked. 

“I know so.” Red Son told him. 

“Oh man,” Mei sighed. 

Are you smoking crack? You were supposed to tell them that they’re cute! Red Son’s internal voice lectured him. 

I’m sorry! It slipped out, force of habit. Red Son internally defended himself. 

Just shut up and apologize!

“Er, apologies, you two.”

“You really mean that?” Mei asked. 

“No. If anything, you two should apologize for disturbing my peace.” Red Son huffed. 

“We do that a lot, don’t we?” MK asked Mei, who nodded. 

What the brick was that?!

I don’t know! I panicked!

I don’t want to hear it! Just… I don’t know, make small talk?

Really? That’s what we’re doing? We’re going to make small talk?

Oh, get over ourselves. 

“Lovely weather we’ve been having lately, isn’t it?” Red Son was internally cringing. 

“It is. But honestly, Mei and I haven’t been a fan of how sunny it is lately.” MK huffed a bit in annoyance. 

“It always makes us super hot.” Mei agreed. 

Do not do it. 

I have to!

No, you don’t!

They walked right into it!

Just agree with them. Say they are hot. We think that anyway, so just say it!

But I have too!

No, you don’t. 

I’m weak!

Red Son snorted a laugh and looked at the two heroes with a cocky smirk. “You two aren’t used to that, are you?”

What is wrong with you?

Many, many things!

“Not really, no.” Mei nodded, either not hearing Red’s insult or electing to ignore it. “But we’ve been using the heat as an excuse to use this new skin care routine.”

“We were kinda hoping you would notice…” MK scratched the back of his head awkwardly. 

You did! You did notice!

“I try not to look at either of you if I can help it.”

MK made an ‘Oh darn’ motion as he frowned. “Rats!”

Mei sighed sadly and pulled out her phone, typing something into it. “Back to the drawing board…”

We deserve to die alone. Red Son’s internal monologue continued as the Demon Prince buried his face into his hands to try and hide the shame. 

Hey! Aren’t you supposed to be on my side? Red Son shot back. 

I want to be on their side! We should be on all of their sides! Look at those two. Red Son obliged the voices in his own head, shyly peeking out from behind his hands to gaze at the two apples of his eye. Mei was currently trying to lick some sauce off of her elbow (and failing), and MK was trying to see how far he could stretch his tongue without his shapeshifting abilities. Those two are F-I-N-E: Gorgeous! They could do better if they tried, but so far they’ve shown no interest in doing so, so how are you fumbling this?

I. Don’t. Know!

Calm down, we can salvage this. Just keep your mouth shut and wait for them to say something. 

Red Son exhaled and pulled his hands away from his face. He turned in time to see MK and Mei opening their mouths, as if to say something. The Demon Prince waited with bated breath, desperate to salvage his previous fumbles. 

Instead, MK and Mei started to choke simultaneously, as two flies flew into their open mouths. At one point, MK turned to Mei for help, just as Mei did the same to MK, and the two heroes both ended up smacking each other in the forehead… with their own foreheads. 

Gods dammit, they’re too stupid!

Shut up, it’s endearing!

Why do you like them so much?

What did I just say?

Maybe we’re overthinking it? Let’s just try establishing physical intimacy. 

How do I do that?

Anything! Do literally anything! Brush their hands, touch their knees, just do something.

“Hey, Red—?” MK started to say, before Red Son just reached and fire-punched MK in the face, creating the domino effect of MK toppling over into Mei. 

We’re a monster!

You said to do anything!

And you chose violence?

Give me a break! It’s not like I had a father to teach me these things. 

“Hey, Red Boy?” Mei suddenly spoke up as she picked herself and MK off the roof. 

Startled, Red Son jumped a bit. “Ah! Uh, yes?”

“It’s just… MK and I have been having a lot of fun hanging out with you today. We were wondering if… Maybe you were having fun hanging out with us?”

Yes, we are!

“It’s just barely above intolerable, I suppose.”

You lying heathen!

“Oh, well,” MK shrugged. “Thanks for slumming it up with us anyway, even if we are bothers.”

I feel terrible!

We should!

“But, hey, could we maybe be a bit more of a bother and… kinda, I dunno, ask if you wanna hang out with us again…?” MK looked at Red Son hopefully. 

“Like, on a more frequent basis, we mean.” Mei copied her bestie’s hopeful look. 

Red Son could feel the flames beginning to flicker atop his head as his ears began to burn. Is this really happening? Am I dreaming? Did I fumble my way to a victory? No, not yet. I haven’t said anything yet… Oh, Gods, what do I say? What do I do?!

Red Son’s internal voice spoke up once again. Alright, listen up, you burnt up firecracker—

Hurtful!

—This is your last chance. If you tsun one more dere, you are on. Your. Own. So you've got to dig deep, tell these two unbelievably attractive idiots how you really feel! Now reach into that burnt, shriveled up, overcooked wad of beef jerky you call a heart and pull. PULLLLLLLL!

“As tempting as that offer sounds, I’m not one for charity work.” Red Son rolled his eyes with a smug smirk as he spoke, brushing off MK and Mei’s request like it was a piece of lint on his coat. 

“Oh, ok.” MK looked dejected. 

“That’s fair, I guess.” Mei slunk back into her seat. 

Screw this, I’m out. Get it right in your next life! Red Son’s internal voice called out to him. 

No, wait, please! I can do better! Red Son pleaded with his inner voice. 

It’s too late. 

We can salvage this!

Look at them! Imagine what they must think of you right now. You couldn’t pull them out of a lazy river with a harpoon gun! What makes you think that you could salvage this? What makes you think that those two heroes don’t absolutely hate your guts right now?

Unbeknownst to Red Son or his inner voice, deep inside the recesses of MK and Mei’s mind, buried under the eighty-seventh consecutive loop of The Gummy Bear song, were two thoughts that rang true in the hero's head. 

Red Son looks cute when he’s pensive and anxious. MK smiled at the thought. I wanna smooch him. 

Red Boy is so dreamy when he looks ready to combust. Mei sighed dreamily to herself at the thought. I want him so raw.