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Getting dressed was usually the highlight of Kuranosuke’s morning. No matter what he was wearing, heels or flats, a dress or pants, makeup or a bare face, piecing together an outfit was ultimately what would inspire his mood for the rest of the day. There was nothing more satisfying than putting together the perfect coordinate. Feeling both comfortable and beautiful truly changes the way one acts. This was something he had taught the Amars over the last year they had spent together, and something that had seemed to be innate in him since the day he was born. Was it really such a crime to feel more powerful in a Prada suit than a t-shirt from the bargain bins? He sure wasn’t one to think so.
However, for perhaps the first time in his life, today was different. The mascara he swiped over his falsies felt sticky and heavy, and the seams of his tights pressed awkwardly against his ankles. Technically speaking, the outfit was wonderful. Red lace detailing from his shirt was matched perfectly to his lipstick and headband. His silhouette was stunning, every hair was tucked neatly into place. If he were to glance in the mirror at this outfit on any other day, confidence would be coursing through his veins, but today, all he felt was a dull sense of shame. Maybe this wasn’t the right day or the right time, maybe for once in his life he could admit he was going a bit overboard. He glanced over at the bottle of makeup remover that laid amongst the disastrous array of products he had left on the table. He sighed, shuffling his feet across the polished hardwood floor as he contemplated something more sensible to wear. Reaching to unbutton the clasp on his skirt in defeat, he was quickly interrupted by a harsh pounding on the door.
“Kuranosuke, our original departure time was ten minutes ago, have you cancelled your outing?” Hanamori’s blunt voice rang loud and clear despite the door between them. Kuranosuke’s eyes darted to the clock on his bedside table. Surely enough, he was now running ten minutes late to pick up Tsukimi from Amamizukan for their aquarium date.
“Shit…” He whispered under his breath. “Sorry, I’m almost ready!” He was rushing now, any regrets regarding his apparel were shoved to the back of his mind as he slid on his boots and purse. He barged out of his bedroom, hastily trying to pinch stray wig hairs from his glossy lips as he raced to the front door and hopped into the backseat of Hanamori’s beloved Benz.
“It’s not like you to be late for a date with Tsukimi.”
“I know, I know! Outfit troubles.” Kuranosuke sighed in frustration as he wrestled awkwardly with the seatbelt.
“Well, you look fine.” Hanamori shrugged, giving him a nod of approval through the rearview mirror.
“I know I do.” He groaned. Hanamori looked back at him with confusion, but didn’t press the subject as they silently sped towards Amamizukan.
Kuranosuke’s palms grew clammy as his manicured finger hoovered over the doorbell. Was this the anxiety the Amars felt every time they were forced out of their nunnery? If it was, perhaps he’d have more sympathy for them moving forwards. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he rang the bell, and only seconds after, he could hear the soft pattering of Tsukimi’s feet against the tile as she opened the door to greet him.
She looked gorgeous. She wore one of the more casual dresses they had created for the Jellyfish line. Her hair was pulled half up neatly with a sheer ribbon, and the tinted lip balm she had hastily applied herself was smudged slightly off her bottom lip. She wasn’t too done up, she was authentically herself, just with a few ornamentations. Kuranosuke thought she was the most beautiful like this. On their first few dates, she had overdressed herself out of fear, always ending up uncomfortable mid-date and too exhausted from a day out in kitten heels to enjoy a night together afterwards. She had found her happy medium now though, clothes where she could feel both like her true self, but also feel cute for her fashionable boyfriend. Before either of them could greet each other, Kuranosuke was swiping his finger across her bottom lip, fixing up the pinkish dot of stray pigment on her chin. Tsukimi stiffened and blushed at the touch.
“Sorry, you had a little smudge!” Kuranosuke giggled, now too blinded by his partner’s beauty to remember his nerves in the first place.
“Oh! Heh, thank you…” Tsukimi responded sheepishly with a smile as she composed herself from her flustered state. She looked at Kuranosuke with interest. He looked wonderful, the same beautiful princess that had saved her the night they had first met. However, he had never been to one of their dates dressed like this before. He had always told Tsukimi that she was the princess on their outings together, and he was to be her prince. While Tsukimi was attracted to all the styles and presentations of her lover, she had found herself assuming that his feminine side was something he didn’t want to bring into their relationship, and she respected that. It’s not like she knew how to go out with girls anyways. She wondered if she had misinterpreted his request to go out. Maybe this was intended to be more of a casual outing than something romantic, and she had some sort of mental mix-up. Either way, it wasn’t incredibly important to her. Any time she could spend with Kuranosuke was wonderful, whether it was as a couple or not. She zoned out slightly as she thought about the logistics of the date, leaving Kuranosuke lingering awkwardly in the doorway.
“I… I’m sorry um, should I not have-“ Kuranosuke began, but was quickly cut off.
“Oh my gosh sorry! I totally spaced out, my bad. Here, let’s go!’ Tsukimi nodded, now picking up her pace to take her usual place in the back seat. Kuranosuke trailed contently behind.
The ride was quieter than usual, but it tended to be on rides to the aquarium. Tsukimi gazed out the window, imagining all the different jellyfish she would see. She had her sketchbook in her crossbody bag. Kuranosuke had suggested drawing the jellyfish in person at the tanks in hopes that it could inspire Tsukimi’s designs in ways she hadn’t been inspired before, especially considering she usually worked based off blurry textbook pictures or her own memory. Her mind raced with excitement, trying to create a plan of which species she’d want to sit down and draw first.
Kuranosuke sat gazing out of the window as well. On the outside, the two of them sat in nearly identical positions, legs crossed politely with a soft gaze tracking the outside scenery. However, on the inside, a pit of anxiety was making its way back into Kuranosuke’s gut. He looked over at Tsukimi. The warm sunlight reflected beautifully off her pale skin as she muttered to herself, something about Box Jellyfish. Kuranosuke sighed, taking in the scents of their intermingling perfumes as he finally allowed himself to relax in his seat. It was okay. He and Tsukimi had been going out for weeks now, she wouldn’t have agreed to be with someone she wasn’t even into. Besides, Tsukimi was the last person to ever judge him based off what he decided to wear that day. She knew his heart, and that was all that mattered.
Hanamori dropped the two off at the entrance and drove away with a silent wave, leaving Tsukimi and Kuranosuke alone to begin their day together. Holding up the membership cards Kuranosuke had insisted on buying for the two of them, they were quickly inside and beelining to the exhibit where their next few hours together would be spent. A “Nice to see you again, ladies!” Could be made out from the front desk as Tsukimi wove through the crowds, but she was too distracted by her mission to even acknowledge the worker who had now seen the two of them here at least a dozen times before. Kuranosuke waved a greeting to the woman at the desk before being forced to speed into a jog to rejoin his dedicated girlfriend’s side. One day Kuranosuke would ask her to slow down so they could look at all the other incredible sea creatures the aquarium had to show, but he was always more interested in seeing the passion in Tsukimi’s eyes as she walked into the jellyfish room.
Kuranosuke followed her as she darted from tank to tank, occasionally glancing over her shoulder to see her tracing shapes of dresses onto the glass with her fingertips. They were going in circles, but neither of them seemed to mind. Despite her encyclopedic knowledge, Tsukimi always found something new with her jellyfish muses that inspired her, and Kuranosuke had done his best to start memorizing the names and shapes of Tsukimi’s favorite jellies, just to make her proud. After a few rounds across the exhibit, Tsukimi finally settled down in front of a glistening yellow tank.
“I don’t know how we haven’t made a design for these yet, they’re so beautifully colored!” Tsukimi noted, looking back excitedly at her boyfriend.
“Those are umm… Sea Nettles, right? The round and yellow ones?” Kuranosuke questioned. Tsukimi nodded her head excitedly.
“Yes! I’m so happy you remembered!” Tsukimi’s usually quiet voice was raised with joy, a light blush settled across Kuranosuke’s cheeks.
“So, these giving you any design ideas? We haven’t worked with enough yellows yet; it could be cute. You have your sketchbook, right?” Kuranosuke pointed at an especially large and vibrant Sea Nettle.
“Hmm... maybe…” Tsukimi’s brow furrowed. “But I think I just want to look at them a bit longer…” She trailed off, completely lost in the vibrance of the creatures swimming before her.
She was so perfect. Kuranosuke had grown up looking down upon the so-called geeks and nerds of society, but Tsukimi had shown him that there was nothing more beautiful than someone with a true passion. The two of them weren’t so different after all, while Tsukimi collected textbooks on jellyfish classifications, Kuranosuke lined his shelves with fashion magazines and cloth samples. Just because he was glamorous didn’t mean he wasn’t a bit of a nerd in his own regard. Part of him wished he had realized that sooner, but a larger part of him was so happy that it was Tsukimi that revealed that truth to him.
Wiping a bead of sweat from his palm, he extended his hand towards Tsukimi’s. He wanted nothing more than to stand hand and hand right now. Love overflowed his body, he needed to feel her grasp. His thumb reached her wrist, but before their fingers could intertwine, Tsukimi unexpectedly jumped back with a look of shock on her face he couldn’t quite place. The pit came back to Kuranosuke’s gut.
“Oh, sorry! I didn’t realize this was… that we were…” Tsukimi stammered awkwardly, clasping her own two hands together away from Kuranosuke’s lingering arm. Every fear Kuranosuke had in the morning came flooding back over him. Of course, Tsukimi wouldn’t want to hold his hand with him looking like this. He was the one ruining their potential date by padding his chest and speaking with his voice high. He couldn’t expect his straight partner to be attracted to what looked like a woman. He was selfish for even thinking of it as a possibility in the first place. This could have been a date, but his stupid desire to play dress up doll with himself had ruined it. He was stupid; he should have known better.
“No that was my bad! I forgot where we were and what I am and... Here, I’ll go settle on the bench and you can join once you get a good look at those jellies!” Kuranosuke waved his hands around apologetically. Suddenly he was aware of everyone around him. Every stranger’s glance in his direction felt like a dagger in his soul sealing his defeat. He had made a fool out of himself. Before Tsukimi could respond, he was retreating towards the bench in the middle of the exhibit, cautiously flashing a fake smile to Tsukimi to keep her calm and unsuspecting of his slip-up. She looked at him with worry for a brief second, but he waved her attention away until she turned back around to observe the Sea Nettle tank once more.
Kuranosuke wished his love had an off switch. Tsukimi seemed to have everything under control. She loved him in the right places at the right times, while his love for her always felt inconvenient and unplanned. He knew his desires were irrational. He couldn’t both present as a girl and love a girl, especially when the girl of his affection had no interest in women herself. He was greedy to believe he could have gotten away with it in the first place. He felt bad for Tsukimi. She must have been so uncomfortable getting her hand fondled by his acrylic nails. What woman would ever want that?
When they had come to the aquarium before with Shuu, he had changed clothes halfway through their time together in hopes to win Tsukimi’s affection, however Shuu had stolen it away. Shuu wasn’t here now, he could go into the bathroom and be a coward just as he had done before, strip out of the clothes he oh-so-boldly just had put onto himself just hours before. He dug through his large purse, looking for a pair of pants, a makeup wipe, anything; but it seemed as if his rushed departure from home had left him devoid of anything more masculine to change into. Letting out a breath of defeat, he slouched back onto the bench, picking at his cuticles in hopes to at least loosen up one of the acrylics from his nailbed. Completely distracted by his own sulking, he jumped as Tsukimi finally settled onto the bench next to him.
Wordlessly, she took out her sketchbook and drew. Ribbony tendrils took shape under the tip of her pencil, the outline of the jellyfish in front of them seemed to be instantly transported onto the page. They sat in silence for a moment as Tsukimi worked, but Kuranosuke’s hands still shifted back and forth as he subtly tried to pry his nails free.
“Hey um, Kuranosuke, are you alright?” was the last thing he had expected her to say amidst her extreme focus. Usually when she got into this rhythm of work, Tsukimi could barely even be bothered to speak. Kuranosuke had been relying on that silence to get him through the rest of their time together, but somehow Tsukimi managed to split the attention between the work and her partner.
“Yeah! Sorry, I didn’t mean to get all weird.” He stuttered with an awkward laugh, trying not to show how worked up he had gotten himself over such a miniscule problem. “I’m just going to make a quick run to the bathroom though. I’ll be back in a bit!” Kuranosuke stood up before Tsukimi could even think about replying.
He kept his head down as he briskly made his way to the restrooms. Finally squeezing into the women’s room, he stood in front of the mirror. He had been in this exact spot before, upset over this exact issue. How had he let himself get here again? The Amars had always poked fun at him for being naïve, now he finally understood what they meant. He stroked the blonde locks of hair that fell over his shoulders, trying to stop the trembling in his hands, but it was no use. His eyes quickly grew watery, and he looked upwards to prevent tears from falling down his face. He felt like such a child, running off to cry as soon as things didn’t go his way. He couldn’t help himself though. He looked himself in the eyes in the mirror as a tear glid down his powdered cheek. He hated how beautiful he felt as he cried. How could his femininity, the thing which led him to the Amars in the first place, ultimately be his downfall when being with the one he loved? Why couldn’t his love have turned him into the normal man of Tsukimi’s dreams? The man who was supposed to be her knight in shining armor was now an unhelpful damsel in distress. He should have never interfered with Tsukimi and Shuu. Shuu could’ve been the man that Tsukimi deserved.
He could regret and wallow as much as he wanted, but he had already dug his own grave. Grabbing a paper towel he lightly blotted the tears from his eyes, trying to slow his quickened breath to appear normal to go back to Tsukimi. Just because he had wasted his own time didn’t mean he had to make her miserable too. He blinked down hard, trying to get rid the last bit of moisture from his eyes, but as he attempted to compose himself, the bathroom door creaked open.
“Kuranosuke? Are you in here? Sorry, you were taking a while and I got worried so I-“ Tsukimi now stood directly in from of him, her face dropping at the sight of his pitiful expression.
“Oh gosh, what happened? Are you crying? Is everything okay?” She rushed to his side, trying to scan his body and the room for any signs of injury or a perpetrator of evil, but the room was empty, and Kuranosuke’s skin was unscathed.
“Shit, I’m sorry Tsukimi, it’s nothing, really.” Kuranosuke quickly tossed the paper towels in the trash and grabbed his purse, making his way towards the door. “How about we just go back out and enjoy the rest of-“ Before he could pull the knob open, he was yanked back by his arm.
“No Kuranosuke, you’re upset. Please tell me what’s wrong.” Tsukimi asked boldly, a genuine look of concern rested in her gaze that made Kuranosuke feel even guiltier than before. He stood in silence for a moment, his body shocked into complete stillness. He wanted to make a run for it, but he was trapped in Tsukimi’s eyes. The tears he had fought to wipe away resurfaced, blurring the sight of his worried partner.
“I… I’m sorry Tsukimi.” Was the only thing he could get out while choking back the unsteady cracks in his voice. He stood sniffling awkwardly, hoping Tsukimi could forgive him for being such a mess.
“Sorry for what?”
“I shouldn’t have tried… for your hand. Looking like this, I mean. I’m sorry, it… it must have really grossed you out.” Kuranosuke struggled to produce full sentences without getting choked up.
“What? What are you talking about?”
“I know you never expected to be with someone like me, and I just wasn’t thinking, and-“
“Kuranosuke, I’m sorry, but I’m confused.” They paused once more. What was there to be confused about? Tsukimi was the one to pull her hand away, it was obvious. What else would this all be about?
“You’re not… gay or anything. I shouldn’t expect any of that from you. I should know better.” Kuranosuke’s voice had lowered to a shameful whisper. Tsukimi’s confusion settled from alarm to a calm concern.
“Kuranosuke, I thought that… I thought that you didn’t want that?”
“What?”
“I mean, I guess it’s that usually you’re a boy on dates, so I didn’t think you liked being girly and being with me like that, so I just thought that this wasn’t a date. I never wanted to force you to have to look like a girl couple with me or anything, I thought… We were supposed to keep it separate. I thought that was how you wanted it.”
“I thought you wanted to keep it separate.”
“No?” Tsukimi paused, feeling a bit inconsiderate that she had never truly stopped to think about it before. “I mean, I guess not? Look, I-I know it’s silly of me, but… I really do see you as a girl when you look like that. I’m sorry if that’s wrong of me, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to see you.” She stammered, keeping her voice low. Although she was close enough to Kuranosuke to know he wouldn’t take any offense to any questions she had about him, she felt a bit ashamed, the last thing she wanted was to hurt him.
“And that’s okay! I’m not asking you to find me attractive, I know you don’t like girls. It was unrealistic of me to think you would be okay with something like that in the first place.”
“It’s not that I’m not okay with it! I’ve just… never liked a girl before.”
“And I won’t force you to.”
Silence settled between the two for a moment. Kuranosuke forced a meek smile towards Tsukimi as she stared at the ground, puzzled.
“But… I think you’re a really beautiful girl, Kuranosuke.” Tsukimi’s eyes slowly rose to meet his again. His face flushed.
“Tsukimi, I really appreciate it, but-“
“And even if I’ve never liked a girl before, I think I do now. Or maybe I did all along, and I just never noticed until I met you.” Tsukimi’s eyes darted back to the safety of the ground as the red in her cheeks began to surge, almost perfectly mirroring Kuranosuke’s. Silence fell between them again, but this time it was tense and anticipatory. However, neither of them knew what to say. Kuranosuke cleared his throat, finally wiping the last few tears away from his eyes.
“You’ve always acted so different though.” He added. “You’ve never been flustered around me like this, it’s only when I’m a man.” He sighed, reminiscing on their first few months together. When he looked like a man, Tsukimi was always so nervous around him. She would gasp and squirm at the sight of his bare chest and would blush when their faces grew too close. However, as a woman, Tsukimi treated him as a casual friend. She could rest her head on his shoulder, or they could brush each other’s hair. Kuranosuke knew how lucky he was to be able to see both sides of her that a lover usually wouldn’t, the last thing he wanted to do was ruin it by pushing boundaries.
To his surprise, Tsukimi laughed. A small, quiet and polite laugh, but a laugh nonetheless. Kuranosuke’s forehead tensed in confusion, he looked at his girlfriend dumbfounded.
“That’s because I’m an Amar I think.” She rubbed the back of her neck, seeming to admit some sort of defeat. “We lived together forever telling each other about the horrors of men. Most of us hadn’t truly spoken to a man in over a decade! We all got so worked up about men that none of us could handle ourselves around some hot guy. We were all nervous around you as a girl too, we just… had a bit more personal experience interacting with other girls I guess.”
Kuranosuke’s expression slowly shifted from one of confusion to one of understanding. He often forgot how shy Tsukimi and the other Amars were when they had first met, and how harsh their opinions on men had been.
“Kuranosuke, are you happy?” Tsukimi’s sudden question interrupted his train of thought. “Being a man and a woman, I mean. Does dressing the way you do make you happy?”
Their eyes met again, but this time Kuranosuke’s showed surprise. Nobody had ever asked him something like that before. Everyone in his life had their own perceptions of why he dressed the way he did, yet hardly anyone bothered to ask how he felt about it all.
“Yes. I really like to be able to look like both. It makes me happy.” He responded, his voice still light and timid.
“Well then… I like you as both. I like you Kuranosuke, no matter what you look like. That’s what you taught me, right? The looks are just armor, it’s the person underneath that I love.” They both shone bright red. Tsukimi reached her hand to Kuranosuke’s cheek to wipe away a remaining tearstain. Right before her fingertip could make contact, he grasped her moving hand in his, holding it up beside his cheek.
“Don’t worry about it, you’ll smudge my foundation.” He giggled with a sigh.
The silence between them was comfortable now. Her head drew slowly towards his. His hand still grasping hers seemed to beckon her forward. He leaned nearer, reaching out his free hand to brush her jaw, the point of his long thumb nail grazed her lips. She pulled him, strong, into a kiss. Her palms flushed with nervous sweat, and the hairs on her neck stood up straight. She was hardly ever the type to initiate a kiss, but it felt so right. Kuranosuke kissed her back. She kissed him harder, enough to where his back was being pushed against the bathroom sink. He embraced her, admiring the black cherry flavoring of her lip balm, and eventually leaving a mess of his own red lipstick stained across her lips. They giggled as they kissed, hands now passionately grasping each other’s shoulders. Both could have sworn they were in heaven, that is, until the door handle started to jiggle.
The lovers flung away from each other like rejecting magnets, both hovering over an opposite sink, quickly trying to wipe the smeared array of lip colors off their faces. A woman walked in, glancing awkwardly at the two scrubbing their cheeks as she made her way into a stall. As soon as the stall door lock clicked, Tsukimi and Kuranosuke shot each other a look of horror that quickly devolved into a fit of laughter. They shushed each other as they dried their faces and snuck quietly out of the bathroom.
Hoping he hadn’t ruined the mood, Kuranosuke sighed in relief as Tsukimi, determined as ever, made her way back towards the jellyfish exhibit. Sitting on the exact same bench as before, she patted the empty space next to her for Kuranosuke to join. She rustled through her bag, once again procuring her sketchpad, and began working on top of her earlier Sea Nettle sketch as if she had never been interrupted in the first place.
Kuranosuke watched her draw, but this time, with a smile. He had no idea how he got this lucky.
Hours passed, Kuranosuke busied himself as Tsukimi worked. He took one final look over her shoulder at her now completed masterpiece.
“Oh Tsukimi, this is gorgeous! Look at the drapery!” Kuranosuke shook Tsukimi’s shoulders with glee. “Imagine this as an overall style dress for the spring? Oh, or maybe a sundress for summer!” Kuranosuke clasped his hands in excitement, finally seeing the vision Tsukimi had been working hours to portray.
“You think so?” She smiled. “The frilled tentacles were definitely reminding me of that gold ruffle fabric we have in storage.”
“Yes, yes, yes! You’re a genius Tsukimi! We’ve been needing a good use for that beauty!”
The two chattered in excitement, only stopping when a buzz from Kuranosuke’s phone interrupted their impromptu planning session.
“Oh, well perfect timing! Hanamori is here to pick us up. Apparently, he has to bring Shuu to some dinner tonight, so he’s gotta grab us early.”
“What dinner?”
“Just some boring politics meeting with Uncle. Technically I’m supposed to go to, but I don’t have time to change so Dad won’t let me go like this anyways.” The two made their way towards the exit. Tsukimi grabbed Kuranosuke’s hand firmly in her own.
“Tsukimi… are you sure? We are in public.” Kuranosuke blushed, feeling as if their roles of “nerd’ and “charmer” had been swapped under his feet.
“I-It’ll be okay! It’s just to walk to the parking lot.” Tsukimi blushed as she flashed a reassuring smile. Kuranosuke’s heart fluttered. Finally passing through the crowds, the two waved goodbye to the woman at the front desk, keeping their inner hands securely locked within each other’s. The heels on his boots clicked against the concrete roads as they made their way through the parking lot.
Hanamori stood out a few feet from the car, flicking the ash off the end of his cigarette. Kuranosuke approached with his hands on his hips.
“Excuse me chauffer sir, aren’t you supposed to open the door for these two beautiful ladies?” Kuranosuke prodded.
“If either of those ladies wants to tip me 5000 yen, sure.” Hanamori responded matter-of-factly, putting out the butt of his cigarette with his shoe.
“Ugh, you’re such a pain.” Kuranosuke snickered, opening the car door and climbing in, then reaching back to pull Tsukimi in behind him.