Work Text:
I am afraid. Being myself is hard, it's sickening.
I don't like how being myself makes me feel, how it makes others feel.
I don't like feeling hopeless. I struggle to value the body that has spent years nourishing me; it's so incredibly selfish. It's hopeless. I'm hopeless.
I was, and I am. That's how it goes. i was a dumb girl, i am a lousy boy. That's how it's always been. Even before I was aware of how I am, the layers of dirt that are ingrained in my identity.
The dirty thoughts and feelings that I associate with ‘my’ body.
It never truly felt my own.
I'm afraid of myself. What I was and what I'll become.
I was and i never will be more. I was a dumb girl, and i still am. Dumb to ever think i could really be a boy, to think i could have been a respected man. I am a dumb to believe I'd ever be more than a sad little girl.
Not even the most pathetic of men could understand me.
I don't understand me.
I am afraid of understanding, I never want to understand why I am like I am. Why I crave to be something I have always been.
Like a dog needs to bite. I need to be seen, it's no longer a want. It's a visceral need.
A life or death solution to all my issues.
If I am not seen by you as the boy I am and have always been, who will?
I am a man. I have never not been a man.
I believe but no one will listen. Will you?