Chapter Text
* chapter one *
This wasn’t fair. Why was it that every time he got close to someone, they left him? It was the same with his girlfriend from a couple of years ago. She’d gotten tired of the dance thing, wanted someone who paid more attention to her, who was more realistic about the future, and apparently she had found that in somebody else, because, the next thing he knew, he was being broken up with over text while on a bus--for another man.
He remembered crying. He remembered crying a lot because maybe he hadn’t known how to show it, but he had actually really cared about her. Hoseok always cared about the people in his life, wasn’t that the whole point? And maybe that was the turning point for him. He needed to get out of Gwangju. He needed to, as she said, be realistic about his future. He was never going to get anywhere by staying there--Seoul was where needed to be.
That’s what he had told his parents and they had told him that he was an idiot for thinking this “dance hobby” was ever going to get him anywhere in life. It was just a hobby, just something he was good at that he did for fun, and that was fine, but he shouldn’t try to make it more than it was. Hoseok tried telling them that plenty of people made a life out of it; all of those idols, all of those trainees. They’d just returned with trying to get him to realize how hard a life like that was, and there was never any certainty.
He knew that. Of course he knew that, but Hoseok had faith in himself. He could still make it… he was good. He was really good. That had to count for something, didn’t it?
At least his sister, Dawon, was supportive of him. The day before he had left, she’d taken off of work in order to spend time with him. As a doctor, she couldn’t do that often, so it meant a lot to Hoseok that she was there for him when he needed her to be. But that was just how she was, how she had always been.
Even when he was little and he wanted to take dance classes after school, his parents had been too busy to see him to them, so his older sister Dawon would hold his hand and walk with him to the location of the classes and stay and be supportive of him. Hoseok remembers hearing her cheer for him at competitions with a large sign, even dragging her friends around to them. Hoseok had been so shy but he knew that if his sister was there, then he had to do well, had to perform well. And he always did, always got at least some sort of medal, even if it wasn’t first place.
Hoseok had known from a young age that this was what he was meant to do, how could it not be? Absolutely nothing else made sense to him, but dance… dance made the world seem as it wasn’t such a bad place to be, even on his worst days.
There were some pretty bad days sometimes. Some days, even for dance, Hoseok could hardly pull himself out of bed. It came out of nowhere with absolutely no reason. Hoseok didn’t really understand it, but, eventually, he was able to pull himself from the comforting spot on his bed, knowing that he had to meet the rest of his dance crew for practice. It always made him feel better in the end.
Although Gwangju is a rather large city itself, it’s not Seoul, and Seoul was definitely where he needed to be in order to make his dreams come true.
So he moved, even though he didn’t have his parents’ blessing, he had his sister’s support and his own self-will. He found an apartment with someone that needed a roommate, a job so that he could pay his bills, and even a gym with a dance studio. Things were going well, but the more he tried auditioning, the more rejections he got and the more his parents’ words started to ring in his ears.
“Do you know how hard that life is?” “So few people ever actually even make it, what makes you think that you’ll be one of the lucky ones?” “It's not that we don’t believe in you, but it’s just not practical…” It started wearing him thin, weighing on his mind as he sat in bed at night, just staring at the ceiling. Hell, if it weren’t for Yoongi, he may have given up and gone crawling back to Gwangju altogether.
Yoongi kept him going, even if he never even gave him some huge pep talk. All he ever said was that the world is harsh and if you don’t have the will to fight through it, then he should just give up. He was right, and Hoseok didn’t want to be one of those people. Yoongi wasn’t one of those people. Despite all of the rejection he faced, he kept working through it, using it as a chance to make himself better and he got so good.
He got so good that he was leaving him to go to New York.
Hoseok was proud of him and he could only smile when he saw Yoongi looking more excited for anything that he had in a really long time, but it also hurt. Yoongi was leaving him behind. He was making it. And what was Hoseok doing? Stuck working at some cafe in Itaewon. He couldn’t even tell his family where because he was worried what they’d say when they found out he was working there. It wasn’t where the normal people worked, that was for sure.
Basically, Hoseok was a failure and he should’ve listened to his parents in the first place.
Now he was going with Yoongi to the airport. It was silent on the bus and Hoseok really wished he could curl up against Yoongi and just ask him to hold him and pet at his hair like he sometimes did, but there were other people around, and he couldn’t do that.
He blinked away a few tears sparkling at the corners of his eyes as he stared out at the passing cars. He wouldn’t even be able to kiss him with all of the people around.
It just wasn’t fair. Why did people like to leave him? Was there something wrong with him? Did they not like him as much as Hoseok liked him? He glanced over at Yoongi staring down at his phone next to him. No… he might not know what his ex-girlfriend had been thinking, but he knew Yoongi cared deeply about him, maybe even deeper than Hoseok cared for him. There was proof in the night that Yoongi had told him he was leaving. Yoongi had cried, and it had been the first time that Hoseok had ever seen him do something like that.
Yoongi had wrapped his arms around him and buried his head in his shoulder. Hoseok could only hold him in shock, trying to comprehend what he was saying through his tears. For a couple of years before then, Yoongi had been producing songs for underground artists, and he had put out a few of his own, feeling confident in his own rap skills. It’d finally paid off. He was contacted by a person who thought he had good skills--only, their studio was located in New York. Fucking New York City.
He’d accepted after a few days of thought, but admitted to Hoseok that he’d be a fucking idiot if he turned the opportunity down. Hoseok had silently agreed. Yoongi literally had nothing. Whereas Hoseok’s parents were supportive of dance as a hobby, and they loved him, Yoongi’s family had never been crazy about his love of music, and had never exactly supported it even as a hobby. He’d left without their blessing or support and had to make his way to Seoul on his own, crashing on people’s couches for a few days before moving on to the next. Yoongi had told him there’d been a few nights where he’d been stuck on the street and couldn’t eat anything for close to a week at a time.
But Yoongi had gotten a job and opted to do music in all of his spare time, even foregoing sleep most nights to stay up working. He got a crappy apartment with an equally crappy roommate, but it had allowed him to save up and, finally, he’d been able to afford a better apartment, and that was when Hoseok had moved to Seoul. He’d saw Yoongi’s ad for a roommate and thought “perfect” and jumped on the chance before anybody else could.
He lucked out. Yoongi had said he was the only applicant that he could even stand, even though he’d been a bit too cheerful for his tastes. But apparently he’d grown on Yoongi and Hoseok was glad that he had, because Yoongi had really grown on him.
It’d been slow, but Hoseok had found himself starting to like him more than as a friend. It freaked him out a bit, but he figured a person was a person, and Yoongi seemed to feel the same way. He’d never hid himself to him, pretended to be interested in a girl when he wasn’t. He’d been open with him from the get-go and, beside, Hoseok had a job in Itaewon. It wasn’t as if he could exactly be close-minded.
Yoongi had kissed him first. It must’ve taken a shit ton of guts to do it, but he did. Hoseok hadn’t even hesitated for a minute before kissing him back, finding the way that Yoongi’s huge sweater practically swallowed his small body kinda cute. And the sleeves felt soft against his cheeks. Yoongi’s lips felt soft against Hoseok’s lips.
They’d become a sort of thing. They’d never really talked about the word they used, but it was something like boyfriends. Hoseok had grown attached, and, if by the way Yoongi reacted to having to leave was anything to go by, Yoongi had grown attached to him as well. And now he was leaving to New York, by himself. He’d be on his own again, in an unfamiliar place and Hoseok would be… Hoseok would be here, wondering what the hell he was doing with his life.
But he was happy for Yoongi. He’d be a pretty shitty friend if he weren’t. Yoongi was finally getting places, really good places, by the sound of it and really, all Hoseok wanted for him was to live out his dream. Wasn’t that what everybody wanted?
They were getting close to the airport, and Hoseok began to silently prepare himself for saying goodbye. He didn’t know if they’d ever see each other again. It was possible, but it was more likely not. Not if Yoongi actually succeeded. There was no way Hoseok was ever going to make it to New York, that was for sure.
Soon, he was helping Yoongi with his suitcases. He barely had even enough to fill up two suitcases, but Hoseok still wanted to help him inside. Just a bit more time to spend together before they had to say goodbye… possibly for good.
He could feel his heart beating rapidly inside of his chest as he lugged one of the suitcases over to ticketing. Hoseok watched Yoongi’s back as he dug out his itinerary and rubbed at his dark hair beneath the hat on his head. He honestly felt a little sick, a little dizzier the closer the time got, but there wasn’t anything he could do to stop this, nothing that he wanted to do to stop this.
So he just watched as Yoongi collected his ticket and sort of wanted to throw up in the process. The one person he had here was leaving him… but he knew he shouldn’t think of it like that--Yoongi hated it as much as Hoseok did.
When he was finished, Yoongi slowly walked back over to where Hoseok stood. They just looked at each other, not really sure what they were supposed to do. Hoseok had the incredibly strong urge to lean forward and kiss him, but with all of the people around… he couldn’t.
With a small sniff, he looked down at his feet. Don’t cry, don’t cry, he thought to himself, but it wasn’t any use as a tear spilled over and down his cheek. There was a soft sigh and then arms were wrapped around him, fingers threading in the back of his hair. Hoseok could sense people looking at them, but, fuck it, he really couldn’t care less, and he wrapped his arms tightly around his friend in return.
“Hey, shit… now you’re going to make me cry--fucking stop it.” Yoongi’s words were harsh, but they didn’t sound as harsh as someone who didn’t know him would think. Hoseok could tell that his words were tighter than normal, as if he was barely holding back tears himself and that just made Hoseok shake, a sob breaking free from his chest as he clung tighter.
He didn’t want him to go. He wanted to bring Yoongi home, back to their apartment, and cuddle up to him on the couch and watch a stupid movie, whatever was playing on tv. Yoongi would make sarcastic, snide comments about it and Hoseok would just grumble at him cause he kept talking through the good parts. Then Yoongi would chuckle and pat his head and mutter something about there not being any good parts.
“Don’t go…” Hoseok hated himself for saying it, but they seemed to be the only words that wanted to leave his lips as he buried his head into his neck. He could feel blunt nails scrape at his scalp just a little as Yoongi tightened his grip at his hair, holding him closer.
“I’ve got to.” He replied softly and Hoseok knew. He knew he had to go, and it was so selfish of him asking him not to. He hadn’t expected Yoongi to say yes anyway, didn’t even want him to say yes, because Yoongi would hate staying here and skipping out on such an amazing opportunity. “Doesn’t mean we’re not gonna see each other again, or at least talk every week, you know.”
Hoseok took in a deep breath and nodded against him, pretending to believe him, but Yoongi would be too busy, especially for someone like Hoseok.
“I fucking mean it,” Yoongi pulled back, hands resting on Hoseok’s arms as he stared at him, dark eyes nearly glaring in their firmness. “Shit, Hobs--everything else out here has been crap… you’re the one thing I’m actually going to miss, got it?”
He knew Yoongi meant to make him feel better but Hoseok only felt more tears spill over and louder sobs wracked through his body as he pulled Yoongi back into a tight embrace. Hoseok felt like a child. “I-I’m…” he sniffed and wiped at his eyes, still holding onto Yoongi. “I’ll miss you too, hyung…”
Before he even knew it, he felt a soft press to his lips, fingers holding his head. His stomach swooped, but before he could do anything, the lips were gone and Yoongi was stepping away, adjusting the bag that was slung over his shoulder.
This was it. Goodbye. Who knew if he’d ever see him again?
“See ya, Hobs.” Yoongi didn’t look at him as he said it and Hoseok had to quickly wipe at the remnants of the tears on his face and force himself to smile. He knew that Yoongi liked him best when he was smiling and happy.
“See you later, Yoongi.”
Then Yoongi was gone and Hoseok was just left standing there. Alone.
-
Hoseok was getting a little bit drunk. Maybe more than a little bit.
It was a fairly nice night outside. Clear skies, not too freezing, and normally Hoseok wouldn’t be caught dead on the balcony attached to their--rather his--apartment, too frightened that it might tumble and fall apart while he was on it, no matter how ridiculous that kind of was. But tonight he couldn’t bring himself to care. He needed the air, and he also needed the pack of beer that he had picked up on the way back from the airport.
On any normal night, he would’ve been sharing the beer with Yoongi, but that wasn’t going to happen anymore, was it? Yoongi was gone, he was left alone, time to get shit-faced drunk and pass out so that maybe he would actually get a good night’s sleep instead of tossing and turning in bed wondering how Yoongi’s flight was going. He promised to call once he got settled in at his apartment, but who knew how long that would be? Over a day, and, if Hoseok knew Yoongi (which he did) then it’d probably be more like three days before he heard from him.
That was okay. He’d live. So long as the balcony didn’t decide to break apart and cause him to fall to his death the one time he actually decided to sit on the thing.
No matter how much he drank though, Hoseok didn’t feel like he was getting any more drunk. He could be wrong, he figured. He could just not be noticing it, too busy feeling sad and lonely to care much about the way the alcohol was beginning to have its effect on him, too busy staring up at the stars and wondering if there’d ever be anything out there for him to care much about the hangover he’d have the next day.
Would there ever be anything out there for him? Any person? Just a person, and at this point, Hoseok wasn’t really picky if they were male or female, just a friend, or maybe something more. He just wanted a person that’d stay with him, that’d support him, and he could support them back. A person that, no matter what, wouldn’t leave his side or go anywhere or follow any path that would lead them away from him.
That was probably selfish, but Hoseok didn’t care. Why couldn’t he someone’s choice? Someone’s thing that they loved more than anything, so much so that their dream was to just… be with him?
Was that truly selfish to want? That’s what Hoseok wanted. Maybe even more than his passion and love of dance… what he wanted was a person he could support, a person that he could stand by and never leave, because he’d never want to.
The stars were bright. They were so bright and… one fell.
Hoseok took a drink of his beer and sighed, wondering how many people were wishing on it right now. Those things never worked--they’d never worked for him at least, that was for sure. But even as he thought that, there was still that one last shred of hope inside of him and, really, what did he have to lose?
So he closed his eyes… all he really wanted was for someone to never leave him.
He let his eyes stay shut for a few minutes, feeling the beginnings of the haze of sleep starting to take over his mind. Hoseok forced his eyes open and looked to the direction of the star he’d seen. If a wish were to come true, you’d think you’d feel something, but Hoseok didn’t feel anything, and he had to laugh at his own stupidity for even thinking there was a chance something like that would work.
There was no way that those sorts of things worked--it wasn’t even stars that fell, just rocks burning as they enter the Earth’s atmosphere, burning up at the end of their life. It was ironic, in a way, wishing upon a thing that was ending. He supposed that said something clever about dreams and wishes, but he was too drunk to want to be profound, so he just pushed himself back into his apartment and headed to his bed.
It was quiet and he was alone. Just like he always probably would be.