Chapter Text
Kai doesn’t really know how it all ended up like this, if he were to be completely honest.
And it’s really strange, considering how close he and Soobin used to be during their trainee days. They are — or maybe were — the best of friends.
Everything was fine until Soobin was invited to be an MC on Music Bank. Any idol’s dream opportunity, really — so of course Soobin and the rest of the members were ecstatic at the offer. It was nice, seeing how much fun his hyung was having. The new occupation led to every week with Soobin gushing about every new friendship he’s made, rambling about how admiring or interesting the new person he met was.
And Kai is genuinely so, so happy for his hyung — believe him, he really is. Whenever Soobin is happy, he’s happy. But that doesn’t mean it hurts a little to see his other half get caught up in new friendships, not making any time for him.
“Hyung, ice cream?” Kai offers one day after their usual practice session. “Beomgyu-hyung already took Yeonjun-hyung and Taehyunie to who-knows-where, and I’ve been craving this new flavor!”
Soobin gives him a soft, apologetic smile.
“Sorry Hueningie, I’ve got dinner plans with some friends I’ve made recently,” He pats Kai’s head gently. “Next time hyung will treat you though, I promise.”
Ah.
“Oh… that’s okay!” Kai replies before giving back the other a sheepish smile. “You better follow through with that promise then, hyung!”
Soobin gives the other a sympathetic look, before playfully ruffling the younger’s hair. “Of course, Hueningie. Always.”
And yet, that promise never ended up being fully fulfilled weeks later. Which sucks — it sucks so much, watching Soobin slowly drift further away from him.
Kai knows it’s a selfish feeling for wanting to keep the other to himself, but he can’t help it. It’s always been the two of them since the dawn of time — so seeing his beloved hyung always hanging out with people other than him makes Kai want to jump into a pool filled to the brim with freezing cold ice.
Okay, maybe that’s a bit too extreme, but still.
This whole situation just leaves Kai constantly thinking:
Why is Soobin always declining every plan he makes with him? Was he not interesting enough? Was he not good enough? Does Soobin even like him anymore? Where did he go wrong?
It’s so frustrating. Everything is so frustrating.
Surrounded by his riveting thoughts, Kai doesn’t notice another presence in the room until he feels a hard flick on his forehead.
“Ow!” Kai yelps, bringing both his hands to cover his now very sore, but not really, forehead. “Taehyunie? What was that for!”
The older of the two just simply hums, “You’re overthinking again.”
God, what a blessing and a nightmare it is to have a smart friend like Kang Taehyun.
“Sorry,” Kai responds sheepishly.
“Don’t apologize to me, stupid,” Taehyun says, making himself at home by sitting next to Kai on his bed. “What’s going on?”
Kai nervously looks down, suddenly feeling embarrassed. How is he gonna tell Taehyun that he’s frustrated that his supposed best friend isn’t paying attention to him anymore but doesn’t want to diminish supposed friend’s success and happiness. He’s gonna sound clingy and weird and strange and… oh god. There is one hundred percent something seriously wrong with him.
“Is it about Soobin-hyung?”
“Wh- How’d you know?” Kai gawks. How does Taehyun just figure him out just like that?
“You’ve been more down lately ever since Soobin got his MC job,” Taehyun replies.
Flustered at being found out, Kai immediately stands up for himself. Well, he tries to.
“I’m not upset he got to be an MC or anything! He has so many more friends now, so busy and popular. Plus, I even got to be special MC with him on his first day and had so much fun — so I’m really not sad he’s doing amazingly well right now or anything—”
“Kai, breathe,” Taehyun says, patting his friend’s back. “It’s okay for you to feel a little sad that hyung's a little more busy now, you know.”
Kai sighs, leaning his head on his smaller friend’s shoulder. It’s a weird position for sure, considering their ever-growing size difference, but it’s still comforting nonetheless.
“I just can’t help but feel like I’m overly clingy for feeling this way,” and overly selfish, Kai would add, but doesn’t say it out loud.
“It’s normal to feel like that, especially since you guys have been disgustingly inseparable for years,” Taehyun says, scrunching his nose. “Don’t worry too much. Plus, you’ve got me as a Semi-Soobin-Replacement in the meantime if you ever need it.”
“You’re not a replacement, dummy,” Kai giggles at his friend’s absurd offer. “You’re Taehyunie, my one and only best friend — excluding Soobin-hyung of course.”
Taehyun laughs alongside him. “I’ll beat hyung’s special position one day.”
“You wish!”
“Poor Yeonjun-hyung and Beomgyu-hyung though. You’re really picking favorites just like that, Kai-ya? How cruel of you,” Taehyun grins wickedly. “I’m telling them.”
The two continue sharing laughs and basking in each other’s company. It’s nice for Kai, to know that at least he’ll always have someone like Taehyun.
—
Jealousy is maybe an understatement for how Soobin feels towards Kai’s ever growing closeness with the other members.
It’s a horrible, selfish feeling that he wants to erase from himself. It’s normal to find comfort in the other members — it’s hypocritical even, considering Soobin’s closeness with them all as well. So why is it that he feels his stomach churning every time Kai spends more and more time with Taehyun? It’s not even Taehyun’s fault, the poor guy.
There’s no reason for him to feel this way. He knows Taehyun’s always been weirdly bound together with Yeonjun and Beomgyu lately anyways, so it’s not like the younger is stealing Kai away on purpose. Hell, they’re even roommates — of course the two would be around each other constantly.
This all has led to Soobin resorting to full-time distracting himself by putting all his attention on being an MC for Music Bank. Which, all things considered, isn’t that bad of a diversion. He’s been making so many new friends that his circle keeps growing and growing. Not only that, his MC partner, Arin-noona, has been extremely kind to him as well. With every little free time Soobin had, he would go do something with his new friends — whether it be going out to eat, or simply just taking nice walks together through the night.
He does miss his Soobin-and-Kai time though. A lot actually.
He feels bad every time he has to reject Kai’s little gestures to hang out, but surely the younger would understand. He also has Taehyun of course, Soobin’s mind would unnecessarily add every time.
Wow, what an annoying brain he has.
It doesn’t get any better either, as Soobin makes his way back to the dorms only to see the very two people invading his mind — huddled together on the couch watching god knows what. The image makes Soobin want to snatch Kai away into his arms and coddle the youngest all for himself.
Kai, the sweetest thing, welcomes Soobin almost immediately when he catches a glance of the older.
“Soobinie-hyung!” Kai says, poking his head up and smiling. His hair is all messed up and sticking out in all sorts of places. Soobin’s heart does a funny little somersault. “Welcome back!”
Taehyun greets him as well. “Welcome back, hyung.”
Ignoring the nagging feeling in his gut, Soobin thanks the two before asking, “Where’s the other two?”
“Junie-hyung? I think he’s sleeping. And Beomgyu-hyung probably is sleeping as well, knowing him,” Kai replies, putting his head back into position on Taehyun’s shoulder. Soobin wants to die.
Yeah, there’s definitely something wrong with him.
“Those two are probably sleeping together,” Taehyun adds. “You know, after a hard workout, that’s usually what happens…”
Flushed, Kai yelps. “Taehyun!”
Soobin makes his way over to chop Taehyun on the head lightly. “No tainting the maknae, Taehyunie.”
“I’m just joking,” Taehyun says, grinning cheekily. “You wanna join our watchalong, hyung?” He adds, looking up that the older.
Kai also stares expectantly at him, waiting for a response.
The two look comfortable, huddled together like that — on a small couch, blankets curled around them. They look like they belong together. Soobin thinks, his stomach churning.
“Sorry, I’m tired from all the schedules I had to attend to today,” Soobin lies, looking away. “You two have fun though.”
If Kai looks dejected at all by his response, Soobin doesn’t notice.
—
To divert himself from these unwavering thoughts, Soobin agrees to go out with Beomgyu and Yeonjun — as the two had pitched the idea of going out to get bingsu.
“Wow, Choi Soobin… you’re really off the radar today,” Beomgyu hums, before itching in closer to pinch the older one on the nose.
… maybe it wasn’t such a good distraction idea after all.
“Wh- Let go of my nose!”
Beomgyu lets out an evil giggle as Soobin swats his arm away, that little bastard.
“Gyu’s right, what’s going on with you today Soobinie?” Yeonjun chimes in, eliciting a nod from Beomgyu — with that little smug smile plastered all over his face as he continues chowing down on his vanilla bingsu happily.
Soobin wants to wipe that smirk right off of him — and maybe steal a few bites from the other’s dessert as well.
“Nothing’s wrong,” Soobin replies, deciding to choose peace instead of murder.
“Riiight,” Beomgyu says, squinting his eyes. “There is definitely something bothering you.”
“Nothing goes past us,” Yeonjun adds. “We’re a team, we tell each other everything.”
The thing is, Soobin doesn’t really know what is bothering him. He doesn’t understand why in the world he feels so horribly jealous in the first place. It feels wrong to say it’s Taehyun himself that’s bothering him, because that’s not what it is at all. Taehyun has done nothing in this case, so pinning any sort of blame on the younger is simply just wrong.
“I’ve just been tired lately and it’s getting to me, I guess,” Soobin lies instead, because what else can he say?
He can tell the other two don’t buy it, because of course they wouldn’t — they’re close like that, being able to always tell when another one is lying. But the two don’t push him to say more.
“Well,” Yeonjun starts, “Whatever’s going on up in there —” he points to Soobin’s forehead, “— tell us when you’re ready, ‘kay?”
“And don’t take too long, before things get worse,” Beomgyu adds. “We’re always here for you too, stupid.”
Soobin gives them a soft smile back.
“Thank you guys.”
Surely he can get his thoughts figured out soon.
… is what Soobin was planning to do initially. Instead of trying to do exactly that however, Soobin starts initiating something entirely different.
He starts trying to avoid Kai fully. On purpose or not, he doesn’t really know.
It’s easy, for the most part, considering Soobin’s current busy schedule. Since they’re all done with promotions as well, he doesn’t have to face Kai when they do a sharing part in their choreography.
The only difficult part is when he’s back at their dormitory because Kai… is very persistent.
He doesn’t know where the younger one has picked that up from, but it makes it harder to say no when Kai asks him to hang out.
And Soobin feels really, really horrible about avoiding him.
It’s not Kai’s fault either. It’s all on Soobin and his newly-discovered-weird, possessive feelings towards the other.
—
“I think Soobin-hyung is starting to ignore me on purpose.”
Taehyun cranes his head up from his phone, tilting his head as he looks at Kai quizzically.
“What makes you think that?” The older of the two asks, confused.
Kai huffs, plopping down right next to the other on the couch, before continuing.
“Every time I offer to hang out nowadays, Soobin-hyung declines,” Kai says, furrowing his brows in frustration. “Every. Single. Time. Taehyunie. Even for times when I know he’s free.”
“... does he hate me?” Kai continues. “What did I do wrong?”
He doesn’t realize he’s close to crying until his voice breaks on the last word.
“Oh, Kai-ya,” Taehyun says, rushing to put his phone down so he can rub the other’s shoulder in comfort. “Soobin-hyung doesn’t hate you. In fact, he’s the last person on earth to ever think about you like that.”
Kai swallows, blinking his eyes repeatedly to stop the tears from welling up. He never cries. It’s embarrassing, crying over something stupid like this.
Taehyun continues running his hands side-to-side on the other’s shoulders, waiting patiently in silence for Kai to answer.
“Then why is he ignoring me?” Kai asks. “I’ve seen him make time for everyone else, but why is it so difficult for him to do that with me?”
“Hyung’s just being stupid,” Taehyun sighs. Stopping his movements, he continues, “I’m sure he’ll come around. Don’t beat yourself up over this.”
Kai nods, hiding his face in his hands in embarrassment.
“Sorry,” Kai says.
“Don’t be sorry,” Taehyun replies, resuming his comforting gestures by gathering the younger one into his arms this time. Again, the position is awkward, but the hug still feels warm and cozy all the same.
“If Soobin-hyung keeps being like this though, tell me or any of the other members.” The older of the two continues, patting Kai on the back. “I’ll knock some sense into that idiot for you.”
“Go easy on him,” Kai giggles into the other’s neck. “Soobin-hyung may be big, but he’s actually quite fragile.”
“I know, I’ll go easy on him I promise,” Taehyun says. He slowly pushes Kai away from their embrace and gives the other a cheeky smile. “Let’s go out and have some fun. Beomgyu-hyung invited me to go out with him like an hour ago, you should come along.”
“Don’t just invite me to one of your dates that willingly!” Kai scolds, slapping the shorter’s shoulder lightly.
“I’m just messing with you,” Taehyun says, grinning. “Beomgyu-hyung wouldn’t mind though.”
“Nope, it’s fine,” Kai denies, shaking his head. “Have fun on your date!”
“… and thank you.” He adds quietly.
“Of course,” Taehyun smiles, giving Kai’s head a few pats before hopping off the couch to get ready.
—
The distance between the Soobin and Kai continues to widen — and suddenly, somehow, a month has passed.
Kai doesn’t know what happened or what he did for Soobin to try to avoid him completely. It’s like they’ve become coworkers, the very thing the two swore they would never become.
It was easy for the two to put up an act in front of the cameras at least. If Soobin was still on talking terms with him, Kai would have told the older that he’d be quite an exceptional actor in a film of some sort.
At least Soobin was doing well without him though, right? With all the new friends the older was making, it makes sense he wouldn’t have time for Kai or find him interesting anymore.
Was he too annoying for Soobin? Had the other finally had enough of him?
… was his subtle crush on the other too noticeable?
Kai had tried so hard to keep his not-very-platonic feelings safe inside a tightly shut jar, but maybe he had managed to make it obvious and it led to Soobin feeling repulsed towards him or something.
No. Soobin would never… but Kai can’t help but overthink that with all his other insecurities swimming around inside his head.
Who would ever fall in love with someone like himself anyway? Kai knows Soobin has always seen him as a younger brother, so there’s no way the older could ever reciprocate his feelings. There’s no way Soobin would be able to tolerate him enough to date him of all people.
And he knows he could try to talk to the other members about this whole ordeal, but he really doesn’t want to be a burden. What if Soobin really was just extremely busy? Maybe he wasn’t trying to ignore Kai at all — and instead, maybe Kai is just extremely stupid and paranoid. Everything is just so confusing and frustrating.
God, Kai just misses his gum… he misses having his other half beside him.
Burrowing himself in his pillows, Kai refuses to let the tears fall from his eyes. He can’t cry. He won’t cry over this.
Exhausted, Kai falls asleep with the destructive thoughts still riveting around inside his mind.
—
The unthinkable happens.
Kai ends up alone in the dorm with Soobin for the day, and it is reasonably awkward and tense to say the least.
The other three members had informed the two that they were going out together with no warning beforehand, no invite for Soobin or Kai, no nothing — and then just dipped to who knows where.
Which circles back to it making it just Soobin and Kai. Alone together and still not properly communicating.
It doesn’t make it any better that Soobin is trying to avoid being in the same room as him, like he’s some sort of burden.
Kai is sick of it. So sick of it that the dam of overflowing emotions finally breaks when he catches the older one trying to sneak in a snack from the kitchen.
“Why are you avoiding me?” Kai demands, slamming his hands down on the counter, loud enough to get the other’s attention.
Startled, Soobin stops in his tracks.
The room gets silent, and moments pass with no answer. Realizing his hyung won’t reply, Kai lets out a frustrated noise.
“Soobin-hyung,” Kai continues, balling his hands into little fists. “Why are you refusing to talk to me?”
Soobin finally turns around at that, but refuses to look the other properly in the eyes. He looks uncomfortable to be around him, and it frustrates Kai.
“What are you talking about, Kai-ya?” Soobin replies, giving him a fake smile.
Wow, okay.
Growing up, Kai has learned to never let his anger out easily. Especially towards people he cares about and loves with all his heart — but in this case, he really doesn’t care anymore.
“Don’t act like you don’t know,” Kai retorts, glaring at the other. “It’s been a whole month, hyung. Did I do something wrong for you to ignore me for that long?”
“I’m not ignoring you.” Soobin replies, voice soft and consoling.
“You really think I believe you?” Kai says, laughing in disbelief.
Soobin visibly stiffens.
“Ever since—“ Kai starts, looking straight into the other’s shifting gaze. “Ever since you became an MC, you’ve started avoiding me more. Is… is having that attention and fame from other people all you care about nowadays?”
He didn’t mean to say that.
Soobin’s expression turns stormy, and Kai’s scared. They’ve never fought before, or ever really.
He fucked up.
“You’re always making new friends, and having no time for anyone else.” Kai continues, for god knows what. “Why do you make time for them, but never make any for me?”
“Are you implying that I’m conceited and fame-hungry, Kai-ah?” Soobin says, voice cold.
No.
“And what if I am?” No. No. No. “From what I’ve seen, that’s what you’ve clearly come across as. Fame hungry and conceited.” Stop it.
It’s Soobin’s turn to laugh, and the emptiness of it shakes Kai to the core. He hates it, seeing Soobin angry at him.
“Wow,” Soobin starts. “And this is all because I’ve been avoiding you?”
Kai gulps, averting his eyes from the older one’s face because he’s afraid of what he’d find there.
“One, I can have other friends to hang out with, you know,” Soobin scoffs, eyes darkening as he continues, “and two, you’re overly, overly annoyingly clingy. What if I was just tired of everything, huh, Kai-ah? Ever think of that as a reason?”
The silence is deafening.
Kai’s stomach drops, and he can hear his heart beating rapidly inside his chest.
“You don’t mean that,” Kai says, voice significantly quieter.
Soobin laughs drily, and Kai tries to blink away the blurriness threatening to spread in his eyes.
“I guess I was right with my initial judgment then,” Kai hissed, giving one last glare. “Fuck you, Choi Soobin.”
Brushing past the older in a hurry, he pushes down the emotions until he flees to his bedroom.