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What I Am

Summary:

Sebastian doesn't know who or what he is anymore. Every day is a haze and every part of him hurts. Something's gotta give.

Notes:

CW for implied parental abuse and alcoholism, but thats central to the story, so you shouldn't be surprised.

This is a rewrite of Who We Need and based on she's lost control. I hope it's more satisfying at the very least.

Chapter Text

Sebastian wakes up with a start. He stares at the ceiling for a few moments before he notices slow, heavy footsteps outside his room. He sucks in a breath and holds it for a moment before sitting up as quietly as he can and releasing it.
Slowly, he picks up his clothes from across the floor and throws them on. He quickly drags a brush through his tangled hair and grabs his backpack. As he starts for the door he remembers his phone and earbuds next to his bed, going back for them.
Before he leaves his small room, he opens the door only a crack and looks for his Dad, barely spotting him in the kitchen. He waits until he's occupied and creeps out towards the front door, practically diving through the screen door. As he starts down the sidewalk towards school he hears his father shouting.
"Get me some cigarettes!"

On the way to school, he runs into his best friend Kris. Kris is weird. They say all humans are weird. He thinks humans are cool.
Kris complains that they forgot to do the math homework last night and asks if Sebastian has it.
"Yeah, I actually did it for once." He searches through his backpack for a moment before he realizes. He forgot half of his stuff at home because he was doing schoolwork. "Aw fuck, I don't have half my shit!"
Kris says that Noelle can help both of them, she always has the homework.
"Yeah, but she always makes me work for it. She's such a know-it-all!"
They chuckle and agree.

When they arrive at school, they find that Noelle and Berdly are already in their seats next to each other. Noelle waves and Berdly smugly grins.
"Looks like we are more punctual than thou'st! As per usual!"
Noelle sniggers, "I got here before you did, Berdly."
"Yeah, but! I'm still! They're late!"
Kris sputters out a restrained laugh, but Sebastian just rolls his eyes. "Uh, do you have today's math homework? I forgot half my stuff at home today."
Noelle looks serious now. "C'mon Seb, you know I can't just give you the answers!"
"But I actually did it! I really did but I forgot it at home!"
The deer girl sighs loudly, "Fine, just this once. But don't forget again!"
He quickly copies over from noelles notes and double checks it, thanking her profusely.

Another typical school day for everyone. Even lunch is boring. The only highlight for Sebastian is Noelle's tutoring on the history lesson. He still has no idea what any of it means, but at least he won't fail the review next week.
The rest of the day he struggles to pay attention and listen in class, constantly distracted or bothered by something or someone else. When he does get out of school he barely sticks around to say bye, rushing to get to work.

← - - - - →

Ice-E's is easily the worst place to work in all of Hometown.
It's loud, always smells weird, has kids running around all the time, and pays like shit. But at least it pays.
Sebastian spends most of his time cleaning the arcade floor and restocking the prize counter, as well as dealing with kids and parents alike. He even has to run p"e"zza's sometimes.
At least he has Liz, his manager. Whenever they get a moment to rest, they sit behind the prize counter, and commiserate about their life, mostly school. Liz is kind of like an older sister to Sebastian. She's so driven and earnest, everything he wants to be. Aside from a frog with speckled blue skin and giant red eyes.
All is quiet when Liz asks a question. "Why do you take this job so seriously? It's not like I give you a hard time and the owner is never here unless it's the weekend."
He considers for a moment. "I guess I just don't wanna let you down, y'know?“
She stares and laughs before she says, "you're so serious, dude!"

When they start to close up, everything gets wiped down and they begin turning off games. For a few moments, before they leave for the night, Seb takes in the quietude of the nearly empty building, basking in the solitude it affords. Before he can fully relax, though, Liz ushers him out of the store and locks it up.

He slowly puts his headphones on and queues up a playlist of pirated mp3's before starting towards home. The sounds of thrashing drums and screaming guitars almost imperceptibly floats across the streets as he steadily walks home.  

← - - - - →

He stops at a gas station and buys 2 packs of cigarettes. The guy at the counter never asks for ID and Sebastian is there constantly. He exits quickly and smokes a cigarette on the curb, exhaling hot plumes of smoke from his nose.
He feels his mind quieting as the nicotine rushes to his head. When he reaches the butt, he flicks it into the street and walks on towards his house.

When he arrives, his father is already asleep, snoring loudly on the couch, brown bottles strewn about the floor. He places one pack of cigarettes on the table next to him before quietly trudging back to the small, dirty room he sleeps in.
He haphazardly throws his clothes across the floor and drops his backpack on the ground next to his bed. After flopping onto the mattress, he digs for his homework and begins working on it, constantly distracted by the sounds of his dad rustling, sounds outside his window, and anything else besides school.
He soon passes out, leaving half his belongings on the floor.

He doesn't dream of anything at all.