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Well, that was a big ol’ fiasco.
Fiasco was one way of putting it. Priya jogs through the woods, her breaths puffing out in easy pants. That challenge had been a total mess. Would You Rather? More like Would You Not!
Her mind cycles through the day’s events, the loss after loss that each member of Team Rat Face— her team— suffered all because her plan sucked. Which is totally absurd because she’s Priya mother fucking Rao! Her plans don’t just suck, her plans are supposed to make the other team suck when her team comes out on top; for god’s sake what went wrong today? It was like one defeat after the next, Priya could feel her intestines shriveling up like a worm half-baked in the sun with every upsetting fall her team took.
She’s the team leader, she has to get back her A-game.
You know what went wrong, The little voice in her mind that reminds her of her parents whispers. Or rather who went wrong.
Priya increases her speed a little, jumping over a fallen log. Sweat begins building up on the sides of her temples.
Emma said she was a people person. She promised them an easy win.
Obviously, that didn’t work out, Priya thinks too savagely in the heat of her adrenaline before a flicker of guilt creeps in. She likes Emma, she really, really does, honest! Emma’s nice, she’s super supportive and funny when she wants to be; she can get a little passionate but who doesn’t love passion? Priya lives for it!
Best of all, she’s a good asset to the team; considerate, bold, and willing to pull her own weight and bring her skills to the table, Priya admires that in a person.
Today, though? It’s like Emma was the exact opposite of what Priya initially thought about her. How can one person be so naive that they thought they were skilled in something they’re most definitely not?
(Then again, this is the same Emma who got back together with the boyfriend who cut her breaks all because she thought he gave up the challenge for her instead of pizza, so maybe naivety is one of Emma’s flaws. And, okay, Priya gets that, she really, really does; she has a couple of flaws of her own too—sometimes she can get too “in the zone” according to the few friends her personality managed to keep, sometimes she gets this little thing called tunnel vision that tends to make or break friendships and situationships (most of the time break), sometimes she can get a bit too…overexcited, a little zealous.
That’s fine, Priya’s self-aware enough to understand she has good and bad in her. But the thing is if someone’s bad traits begin to impact the team performance on a show that’s Priya’s very life, that’s when she starts to draw a line. And god, Emma’s alleged ‘people person’ stint really did cost them the challenge dearly.)
Not even Priya’s attempt to salvage the challenge and use Emma’s skill for the good of the team was any good. She should have known being asked about Chase would throw Emma in for a loop (maybe, just maybe Priya should have let Emma handle that particular question instead of jumping in; after all, who else knows the guy better than his ex-girlfriend?)
It’s too late now anyway, not that letting Emma answer the question about Chase would have done much help, they were still far behind and in the end, a loss is a loss. As much as she’s grown to respect Emma and treat her as an equal, who knows what other skills Emma thinks she has she actually doesn’t?
Was that mean? Priya wonders worriedly as she hops in quick succession atop three consecutive stumps before rounding the bend and making her way to the more populated parts of the island in hopes of meeting up with the team before getting ready for the elimination ceremony.
Mean but true, the voice that sounds like her parents' reply.
The squirmy feeling still weighs down on her, though, even as she enters a clearing and finds that she’s arrived at the campfire spot where the elimination ceremonies take place. The last place she wants to be is the place where her team’s loss will rub in the face especially two hours early. Stomach plummeting, she's about to turn around when she spies a hunched figure sitting on a log tucked away in the corner. Priya may not have noticed them if not for the occasional stifled sniffle she heard.
“Um.” Hesitantly, she takes a half-step forward. “Hello? Are you…okay?”
The figure doesn’t respond, however, the stifled sniffles stop. Clearly they heard, and clearly they don’t want to be disturbed. But Priya’s on a streak of weird vibes today, might as well go all the way. Besides leaving someone possibly in pain just because she didn’t get a response feels like a shitty move, even if she does want to take a quick shower before the campfire.
“Hey,” she ventures out, stepping more toward the hunched form. She catches sight of a familiar albeit rumpled orange sweater and blonde ponytail, and her tone falters. “What—?”
“Leave me alone,” Emma mumbles. Priya strains to hear her from where her head is on her knees, tucked under her folded arms.
The squirmy feeling within her swells like a tide. All thoughts of showering vanish, all thoughts of anything vanish. “Emma, what’s wrong?”
As soon as she says it, Priya wants to snatch the question back. Stupid, dumb! What’s wrong? Seriously?
“Nothing!” comes Emma’s too-peppy response, at odds with the shakiness of her voice. “Absolutely nothing, I’m doing just fine over here by myself.”
Fully aware of how hypocritical she’s being, Priya shuffles closer until she’s right in front of Emma. “Hey, no, um, it’s going to be okay. Actually,” she backtracks because she doubts Emma would appreciate the reassurance of it’s going to be okay before being eliminated an hour later, “I don’t think it’ll be completely okay, but you did your best, and sometimes that’s just how it is, so, uh, maybe you should come down to the mess hall and get something to eat because the campfire’s going to start in—”
“Priya!”
Emma’s hoarse voice cuts through her rambling like a knife, and Priya doesn’t think anything could possibly be worse right this moment until Emma looks up and Priya sees her red-rimmed eyes and equally red nose.
“Are you…crying?” she asks weakly.
Emma scrubs at her eyes. “Why do you care?”
Okay, the guilt squirming around in Priya’s small intestine? Yeah, that’s definitely ramped up even more at those words said in Emma’s miserably-upset-laced-with-slight-accusation tone. Priya feels like she did something unforgivable—like getting mad at a puppy. Recalling her previous thoughts about Emma, the feeling in her bubbles higher.
But Priya’s just a little bit offended too because she does care, she does! This isn’t completely her fault! Emma messed up the challenge big-time, so it makes sense she’d be so upset, but why is Priya worked up about it?
“Of course, I do!” she says indignantly. “You’re part of the team!”
Emma mumbles something she doesn’t quite catch.
“Uh sorry what?”
“I said,” Emma repeats louder with pinkening cheeks after clearing her throat, “not for long.”
A stone drops into Priya’s stomach. Surreptitiously, she wipes her sweaty palms on her jeans. Even though it's reasonable that Emma would put two and two together—she’s smart like that, which is another thing Priya admires about her—it doesn’t allow the guilt to dissipate.
“What—” her voice cracks, she clears her throat, “what do you mean by that?”
Emma’s blue eyes spear into her, blue as a cloudless sky and turning her inside-out, seeming to flip out all her innermost thoughts. Priya holds her breath—for what, she doesn’t quite know or understand; but she knows she wants—no, needs—an answer. Her equilibrium is counting on it.
All of a sudden, Emma’s eyes drop to her knees. She sighs. “Never mind. Why are you over here anyway? I thought you’d be with Caleb.”
Honestly, Priya wanted to, that was the plan. But after the challenge, Caleb left with a small smile and wave, heading to the docks. When she (discreetly) passed by en route on her jog, the docks were empty, him nowhere to be found. So she left him be, that’s what people in their situation do, right? Things would be too clingy if they hung out all the time, even though it’s pretty fun spending time with Caleb; even though it feels like Priya is seen whenever they talk about their respective crazy home lives; even though she treasures the feeling of lightness whenever she sees him. Caleb is solidarity wrapped up in a muscly hunk of a guy, and yeah she can admit that she wants to spend time with him, but she figures giving him space is necessary. Maybe he’s overwhelmed, or mourning the loss of the challenge in his own way.
Or maybe he just sees her as a friend and friends don’t spend so much time with one another…right?
Ugh! Priya mentally gives her head a shake. Are navigating guys always this complicated?
The sight of Emma’s blue eyes—still shiny with tears—brings Priya back to the fact that she hasn’t responded.
“Oh, uh, we decided to do our own thing before the elimination, y’know, ‘cause friends don’t always have to stick together all the time…” Stop it, stop talking, please!
Also, did she just refer to Caleb as her friend? Why had she done that, Caleb’s far more to her than a friend, right? She likes him!
Just a slip of the tongue, she convinces herself. It isn’t like he’s around to hear it.
She ignores one of her mother’s sayings: the truth always comes out first.
“Oh,” says Emma.
“But—but that’s not important right now.” Priya drops to her knees on the dirt in front of Emma. “Um, is there anything I can do to help?”
Inwardly, she winces. Way to sound more like a doofus. Maybe that’s another one of her flaws; being moronic when it comes to comforting people in non-competitive settings.
Definitely fits her bill, she can’t lie.
Emma’s eyes shutter. She turns away, the end of her ponytail falling over one shoulder. “No, you won’t get it.”
What?
“Try me,” Priya urges, not sure why she’s so determined to get to the bottom of this situation. She’s already resolved to the fact that Emma’s going home tonight, it just makes the most sense for the team and the competition, and Priya is nothing if not rational when it comes to handling Total Drama; so why is seeing Emma beat up about a challenge that she kind of did fuck up messing with Priya's head so much? Why is she striving to help when literally the next morning Emma’s bunk will be empty?
(The thought of that has Priya’s heart sinking. She brushes it off.)
“No, you won’t,” Emma says again, more forcefully. She scrubs at her eyes again. “You’ll just think you did something good and I’ll feel more bad for…for…”
“Wait.” Something clicks in Priya’s mind. “You’re mad at me?”
Emma glares at her, eyes puffy and very much in stupefied irritation. Like she can’t believe Priya would even think otherwise. “Duh! You set me up during the challenge, I—” she winces, likely remembering the events. “I know I messed up. Badly. But you didn’t even tell me I was messing up, you just took my failures and twisted them to make us win—but not in a good way, you were just mean about it.”
“I was not!” Priya gapes, appalled. When was she mean? She was trying to help Emma—and the team—and she was trying to win them the challenge, like a good team player should! “I wanted you to use your skillset in a way that would benefit the team—”
“Basically you led me on and pretended to hype me up because it would bring me into a false sense of pride so that you can get to your goal?”
“What? No, of course—” Priya stops, actually registering her words. She frowns.
She hadn’t been doing that. Had she?
No, of course, she wasn’t! Priya isn’t mean, she just got in the game, she wanted to win; she needed to prove that despite winning last season she still had it in her to make it far! She knew what happened to past Total Drama finalists—most of them always ended up being early boots. She’s sure as heck not going to end up like them!
But maybe you were so focused on your goal that you derailed Emma’s feelings.
Great, now the voice in her head sounds like Caleb. Priya can only imagine how horrified and disappointed Too-Nice-For-Anything Caleb (not that that’s something Priya doesn’t like about him, he can just be…too much of a doormat sometimes) would say if he heard Emma right now.
I wasn’t! Priya argues with the Caleb-voice in her head. I wanted us to win, and if we did, Emma would be hailed as the hero of the challenge!
Would she? argues the Caleb-voice. No one would trust her when she says she’s good at something anymore. There’s still a high chance she’d be on the chopping block for elimination, especially if the team loses the next challenge with the memories of this one fresh in their minds. Also, Emma won’t trust you anymore, you guys won’t be a team.
Oblivious to Priya’s internal dilemma, Emma sniffs. “What you did back there when I found out what you’d done, it hurt me. I felt like the butt of a joke I didn’t want to be a part of. The whole team was in on it, you were smiling and complimenting me and I trusted you, but all along you were just trying to do what you wanted. And then with the Chase question..."
"Alright, yeah maybe I should have let you handle that," admits Priya.
"You should have," agrees Emma. She bites her lip. "But it's more than just that. We were meant to be working together, as a team, with nothing hidden. No ulterior motives, no hidden agendas. It was—I mean, yeah I did terrible, I’m not blaming you or anything...just...what you did felt like…”
The guilt stewing in Priya multiplies. “Emma…” she whispers.
“It reminded me of Chase cutting my brakes without telling me he’d done it,” Emma finishes, staring holes into her knees.
The air freezes. Priya’s breath leaves her in a sudden whoosh. She gapes at Emma who’s got her fists clenched on her knees, observing them like they're the most interesting thing in the world and not the revelation she dropped just now.
It reminded me of Chase.
She, Priya, had reminded Emma of her shitty ex-boyfriend?
You’re a terrible human being, chides her heart.
I didn’t mean to, wails her mind.
Priya feels like she’s being ripped in two, alongside the freefalling experience Emma served her two minutes ago via words alone.
“I’m not,” she musters up enough awareness to say, distantly, aware of how dumb she sounds.
I’m better. The thought hits her with the force of a freight train and she gets the sudden urge to say them aloud for Emma to hear, for Emma to agree.
But Emma won’t. Because Emma thinks Priya sucks, she thinks Priya is like Chase. Oh god, she thinks Priya led her on like Chase did.
That notion wraps around her head like a viper, crushing her emotions to splinters. Her hands dart out, grasping Emma’s, ignoring her startled exclamation, as she stares into those blue eyes, imagining the wide expanse of sky in them.
“I’m not,” she repeats. “I’m never.”
“What?” Emma says, bewildered.
Priya shakes her head, as though the motion will bring her back to her senses. She doesn’t know what came over her just now, it’s like Emma seeing her in the way she sees Chase was something that crushed Priya’s entire being. “You said I was like Chase.”
“Wha—” Emma’s eyes widen. “No, no! I meant what you did at the challenge reminded me of what he did with the brakes. I didn’t mean that you’re like him as a person.”
“Still.” A frown tugs at the corner of her mouth. “I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. I was just trying to win the challenge for us.”
“I know,” Emma reassures her, and Priya watches in stupefied awe as she wipes at her own tears so that she can assure Priya. “But you just went a little too far, you know?”
No Priya doesn’t. When it comes to Total Drama, she never knows the concept of too far. But being friends with Millie and, now, having this conversation with Emma is helping her realize the limits she’d never learned; maybe she can try to know.
Maybe next time, she and Emma can work together without any strings attached, and ace the challenge. Priya likes that idea; she wants to bolster it, let it roam free in her mind, but reality creeps up and reminds her that Emma’s likely going home tonight at the campfire.
Emma sighs. “I’m sorry, you should go get ready for the elimination ceremony.” Her hands remain gripped in Priya’s—who, in turn, can't look away from how Emma’s hands are slightly bigger than her own. The contrast of their skin colors along with the warmth of their hands leaves Priya’s thoughts more jumbled.
It takes her a second to realize Emma’s still talking. “Sorry, uh, what?”
Emma sighs again. “I just wanted to prove myself. I can’t believe I messed it all up. I want—I want another shot, but…” she trails off, not stating the obvious. How will Emma get another shot?
Unless…unless Priya did some convincing…
“I’m sorry too.” Priya squeezes her hands, their warmth making her skin tingle. “I wasn’t a good team player. I got…carried away.”
Emma’s head jerks up, eyes wide in surprise and a light of hope. Priya's heart twists. She bets all her previously won million dollars stored safely in her bank account that Emma wasn’t expecting an apology from her, which just makes Priya all the more guilty—and all the more determined.
Standing up, she pulls Emma to her feet. “We should get ready.”
“Yeah,” Emma mumbles, “for…”
They don’t say it, but their eyes move in unison to the stack of logs where the campfire will be lit later tonight. Priya imagines it; the sky darker, the rest of their team sitting around, Chris tossing the marshmallows, Emma being in the final two for elimination…
She presses her lips together, pats Emma’s back, and says in a faux chipper voice: “Everything will work out.”
Emma gives her a doubtful look.
“You’ll get your second chance,” Priya reassures her. And I’ll get mine.
“Yeah…okay sure.” She still looks disbelieving but offers a wan smile at Priya. “All this talking and crying wore me out, I’m going to shower.”
“Sure thing! I got to too, all that running probably left me reeking!”
Ugh, of all the things to say!
Now that she thinks about it, the very thought of smelling like a sweaty trashcan the whole time she was talking to Emma makes Priya want to curl up into a ball, but she—very courageously—stamps down the urge.
Emma giggles a little at that. (Internally, Priya congratulates herself.) “Uh, see you at elimination.”
“See you.” Priya waves.
Once Emma’s disappeared over the hill and she’s left alone at the campfire clearing, Priya's smile slips and her face hardens into resolve.
Shower later, first thing’s first she’s got a team to track down.
One thing’s for certain, she’s not letting Emma get eliminated tonight at the campfire.