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“I think we should break up.”
Tommy tells him on a Thursday. Buck’s turned with his back to him, up to the forearms in suds when he says it. He doesn’t turn around, he can barely bring himself to move.
He hears Tommy take careful steps up to him, wrap his arms around his middle and slowly remove the plate from between his gloved hands. Buck’s shaking, now that awareness has found its way back to him.
“Evan, will you look at me, please.” He asks.
Buck turns with the grimness of a prisoner facing the gallows.
“Evan, you’re really something amazing. And I think if given enough time I would’ve fallen in love with you.” Tommy looks at him with kind eyes and says it with something gentle in his voice.
“You can’t—” Buck feels something catch in his throat but he pushes through it, “You can’t say that after you tell me you want us to—to break up.”
Tommy’s lips pull into a tight smile that resolves itself into a grimace. Buck’s picked up on this trait in the months they were together, he can’t help but to fixate on the twist of his lips now.
“I know, I’m sorry let me try again,” He says and takes a breath, “I didn’t know, going into this, whether we’d find something permanent. I wanted to, I really did, and I tried.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m saying, Evan,” Tommy looks at him, his left hand coming up to reach for Buck’s own, still braced against the countertop behind him, still in that damned glove, “That we couldn’t build something permanent because you already have that, and frankly, there wasn’t enough room to fit someone else in this life you’ve made.”
Buck wants to fall back into his deliberate ignorance, but he knows, god, how can he not. He feels Eddie and Chris wrapped so tightly within himself that sometimes he can’t even begin to separate it out from who he is. He lets himself feel it for the first time, the tender but all-consuming want because Tommy has shown him can have things like this for himself. Tommy still looks at him now, and Buck’s left him waiting for an answer for far too long to be acceptable but he doesn’t move.
Buck feels his hand through the glove and finds himself nodding, “I can fit another friend in though.”
Tommy huffs a laugh, “I can work with that.”
“For what it’s worth, I would’ve fallen in love with you too.”
“Just not as much as them.” Tommy amends.
“No,” Buck sighs and lets the word wash through him like the confession that it is, “Not as much as them.”
Buck tells Eddie that Tommy broke up with him on a Friday. It’s pizza and movie night with Chris, one of the only traditions Chris allowed into his teenage years, but he left early this particular night in lieu of a sleepover invite from his friends. Buck gets it, sleepovers at Eddie’s always beats sleeping in his own bed.
He takes a swig of the flat beer in his hands and sets it down on the coffee table in front of him. It startles Eddie enough to bring his attention from the movie to Buck.
“Tommy broke up with me.”
Eddie looks at him now, really looks at him like how he would for a patient on the scene, and isn’t that just a great comparison. Because Buck feels split open right now, like any move can jostle the secrets he’s got hidden inside him right out. But he faces Eddie and lets him look.
“I’m so sorry Buck.” He says it with such genuineness, like wanted it to work out. He probably did. Eddie liked Tommy more than all the other people he’s dated and even then, Buck is sure that Eddie’s never felt even a fraction of the way Buck does towards any of his exes. An ugly cocktail of misery and seething jealousy. It didn’t make sense at the time, to be so upset at his best friend's happiness. Buck knew he coveted relationships like how a dragon covets its gold, fiercely and sometimes violently. But with Eddie, it ran deeper so much deeper. And he tried with Tommy, to bring him into his life, to place him alongside all the others. But he knew Tommy was never going to be at the top because there was only one jewel that stood above the rest on the small but beautiful hoard he’s collected, there was one person that will always shine above it all.
Buck shrugs, “It’s okay.” He waves away Eddie’s questioning look, “No, actually it’s okay, I’ve kind of moved past it all.”
Eddie raises an eyebrow, “When did this happen?”
“Yesterday,” He says and picks his beer back up and takes a long draw, he’s not hiding behind it per se but it’s just easier to have a conversation around it.
Eddie grabs it out of his hand and sets it farther away. Buck rolls his eyes.
“Buck.” It’s not an accusation but there’s something in his voice.
“I’m fine, like seriously fine,” Buck shakes his head, “If I wasn’t you’d already know. I couldn’t hide it from you if I tried.” The truth in it is too hard to look at for too long so Buck barrels forward, “I mean, it was a surprise when he brought it up at first but it made sense in the end.”
“It made sense, what do you mean it made sense?”
Buck shrugs, “It was never going to be permanent, you know? And Tommy knew it, and deep down I knew it too.”
“But he was good for you Buck.” Eddie says it like a question.
“I know,” He says, because he does know. Tommy was good and he helped Buck through so much but he wasn’t ever going to be enough, “And it’s not like anything happened. We’re going to be friends. But I just…I didn’t have enough room in my life for him.”
He sees Eddie putting the pieces together. His face morphs into something shuttered and sad. And Buck’s too slow on the uptake to see where Eddie’s mind is heading.
“Buck,” He says, like it pains him, “If you wanted more time with him you could’ve told me to back off. Chris is old enough to be more independent now, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have assumed that I could take up this much of your time.” He’s looking at Buck a little frantic now, something broken in his expression, “I can talk to Tommy if you need me to, set it straight for him.” The irony isn’t lost on him.
“No, Eddie no,” Buck stops him, he’s so desperate to show Eddie that this is the exact opposite of what he wants that he doesn’t care about how much he’s exposing himself, “If I wanted you to back off I would’ve said something. I didn’t, on purpose.”
“But why? You just said that this is why Tommy broke up with you. If you asked I would have done it, you know?” Eddie casts his gaze down to the knotted hands in his lap as he says, “I would have hated it, but I would have done it.”
“I know and that’s why I didn’t. I didn’t want you to take a step back. It wouldn’t have made a difference. I haven’t had room in my life for someone like him in a long time, I might never again.” Bucks says it and feels time freeze in this living room, on this couch. Seconds stretch and stretch and finally snap.
“Buck,” Eddies says, looking back at him equal parts tender and so scared. Buck doesn’t understand why, he’s the one that just laid his soul bare, why does Eddie look a moment away from passing out. “Buck,” Eddie repeats, “If this is where I think this is going, I’m going to need you to say it out loud. I’ve had this play out in my head too many times to trust myself.” He lets out a sound somewhere between a cry and laugh. Buck doesn’t know what to do with himself; it feels like everything in this universe is happening right now in the space between them.
“You’ve thought about this?”
“Buck,” Eddie urges, somewhat desperately.
“Right, sorry.” He brings himself onto the couch cushion that separates them and turns and shows Eddie everything, “Eddie, I love you. In the way that I can’t put someone else above that in any relationship I have. In everyone I have dated or will date, they can’t—you’ll always be more than that.”
The seconds of silence pass by and Buck can’t help himself, “Is this how you had it go in your head?”
Eddie shakes his head, there’s a smile overtaking his face and it’s so damned beautiful Buck couldn’t look away even if he wanted to, “No, this is better, you never fail to surprise me Buck. I love you too, more than anyone in that probably, slightly unhealthy way. But yeah, like that too.”