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Dazai had to leave. This wasn't how he saw his life going. To be fair, he didn’t see his life going past fourteen.
“Become a good man”, what a joke. But those were Odasaku’s last words, he had to try. It wasn’t like there was much left for him in the Port Mafia. Ango is a traitor, Odasaku is dead. The only reason he had to stay in the mafia was Chuuya, but despite his many claims that Chuuya was his loyal dog, his loyalty was to the Mafia first.
He doubts Chuuya would leave with him, but as he thinks back on all of the time they spent together over the last three years, Dazai couldn’t bring himself to leave without saying anything to Chuuya.
Dazai loathes to admit it, but he’s had a big, stupid crush on Chuuya from the first time they met. Chuuya standing over him, his foot pressing against his chest, looking down at him. He was able to pin Dazai down without the use of his ability, and it didn’t help that Chuuya was unfairly attractive.
It would be one thing if he just found Chuuya hot, he finds plenty of people hot. He doesn’t date not because of a lack of attraction, but because he gets bored with people quickly. But not with Chuuya. Teasing Chuuya has to be Dazai’s favorite pastime, but even when they aren’t fighting, Dazai is still enraptured. Those fleeting moments of peace after a mission when they share a drink, sitting at each other’s bedside when one of them is injured, Chuuya buying a shit ton of canned crab with his own money to make sure Dazai eats, those are the moments that would normally bore Dazai. They don’t.
Dazai trusts Chuuya more than anyone else, and he knows Chuuya feels the same. They understand each other in a deep, personal way that no one else can. Dazai is going to leave, and even Chuuya won’t be able to stop him, but if he doesn’t at least say goodbye that deep trust will never be able to be repaired.
Maybe it won’t change anything. Maybe Chuuya will never trust him again, no matter what. But maybe letting him know that his decision to leave is something Dazai needs, for his own happiness, will at least soften Chuuya up to the idea. Making sure that he knows Dazai cares and that he will miss Chuuya.
He won’t say that exactly, of course. There is no way he could be that nice to Chuuya. Chuuya’s known him long enough to know what he’ll mean anyway.
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Dazai washes the blood off his hands. Odasaku’s blood. He has to leave tonight.
Dazai doesn’t know how to bring up everything that’s happened. He’s sure Chuuya knows about Mimic, even though he was out of the country, but trying to explain why he’s going to leave… that’s hard. He knows why, of course, but Chuuya barely knew Odasaku, and he knows that if he brings up Odasaku’s wish Chuuya will see it as Dazai choosing Odasaku over him.
Why does he want to leave? Other than Odasaku’s wish, Dazai doesn’t know. He makes a list in his head on his way to Chuuya’s.
1. Mori disgusts him. Him and Mori are similar in many ways, a little too similar for Dazai’s liking, but Dazai doesn’t like himself anyways. Of course he wouldn’t like someone like himself, pedophile edition.
2. Mori got Odasaku killed. This could also be put under point 1. Mori knew what he was doing when he sent the location of Oda’s orphans to Mimic. He used Odasaku to get a permit from the government. Of course Mori doesn’t care about the death of a grunt. But Dazai does, and he’ll never forgive Mori.
3. He’s miserable. He was miserable before the mafia and he’s miserable now. He doesn’t think he’ll ever truly stop wanting to kill himself, but maybe it’s time to start trying to be happy. He might not think he deserves it, but for some godforsaken reason Odasaku did. Dazai trusts Odasaku, so he’ll try.
4. Dazai, despite what he likes to say, wants connections. He wants friends and people around. The current connections he has are pretty limited in the mafia. Oda and Ango are gone, he hates Mori, he doesn’t care about Akutagawa, and he’s not really connected to anyone else but Chuuya. Being Chuuya’s partner is the only good thing he has left in the mafia, even if he’ll never say it out loud. He can’t always be with Chuuya, though, and he knows that no matter how upset Chuuya will be if he leaves, he’ll be even more upset if he stays in a bad situation because of him. Chuuya is selfless like that.
He should probably come up with more reasons, but he’s out of time. He looks up at the fancy apartment building that Kouyou picked out for Chuuya and thinks about the shipping container Dazai himself lives in. He doesn’t mind his living situation that much, but he wonders where he’ll live when he leaves.
Dazai texts Chuuya
Mackerel: Chuuuuuuya!!! I’m outside your apartment, if you don’t let me in I'll just pick the lock.
The door opens, showing an exhausted mafioso. He’s definitely not as put together as usual.
“What are you doing here, shitty Dazai?” Chuuya asks, rubbing the bridge of his nose “I just got back from my work trip, and I would really like to have a full night's sleep without you interrupting me for once.”
Dazai grins “As much as I love showing up just to bother you, I actually need to talk to you. Come one, chibi, let me in!” Chuuya looks suspicious as he lets Dazai in.
Chuuya takes a long look at Dazai, noticing the changes he was too tired to notice at first. The bandages around his eye are gone and he looks bone tired. Dazai always looks tired, exhausted not so much in a physical way as in a mental way, but this feels different. It’s almost as if he’s going to take something seriously.
“What’s with your eye?” Chuuya asks, pouring himself a glass of wine. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you go out without your bandages.”
Dazai, in an apt metaphor, decides to rip the band-aid off. “I’m leaving the mafia.” Chuuya almost drops his glass.
“W-what? You’re joking right?” Chuuya looks at him, not knowing what more he could say.
Dazai flops onto Chuuya’s nice couch. Dazai found it extremely comfortable, but Dazai lives in a shipping container so even the most uncomfortable couch is luxurious to him. “Nope, I’m done. I can’t do it anymore.”
Chuuya sputters, “Wh- You can’t do that, dumbass! Mori would kill you! And even if you did leave, where would you go?”
“Ha!” Dazai laughed, “I’m too useful for that, he’ll definitely try and hunt me down, but I’m confident in my abilities. I can escape him.” Dazai himself didn’t know where he was going to go, but Chuuya didn’t need to know that. “As for where I’m going, I can’t tell you that, chibi. You’d need to tell the boss, and I can’t have you ratting me out.”
“I could rat you out right now.” Chuuya glared down at him.
“You won’t.” Dazai smiled, “I wouldn’t have come here if I didn’t at least on some level, trust you. You can’t bear to betray my trust right now, can you, Chuuya? You’re too good for that.”
Chuuya looks away with a scowl. “Good? I’m a mafioso! You’ve seen me kill people, I could totally rat you out if I wanted to. Maybe I just want to hear you explain yourself first.”
Dazai slowly gets off the couch and stands up to look Chuuya in the eye. “Chuuya. You know I’m not happy here. I can’t be happy here.”
Chuuya shoves him away. “And why not? We’re a team! You're just going to leave like it means nothing, like I mean nothing?” He’s clenching his fists, his face flushed from anger and embarrassment.
“Chuuya,” Dazai starts, trying to figure out how to have a serious conversation with Chuuya. He’s never had to before. “My decision to leave, it’s not about you. I’m miserable and I hate Mori. I can’t work for him anymore, I can’t. And I need you to understand that.”
Chuuya is looking at him like he’s grown two heads. He’s never seen the bastard look so serious. And then the moment passes and Dazai starts to laugh.
“Awww, what’s with the silly face, Slug?” Dazai reaches out and pinches Chuuya’s cheeks. “Will you miss me that much?”
“Get off of me, asshole!” Chuuya slaps his hands away, “No way am I going to miss you! I’m going to celebrate when you’re gone!”
Dazai looks at Chuuya and knows he’s lying. Celebration is code for drinking his feelings away. Chuuya has a bad habit of doing that.
“Don’t make that face, you’re not getting rid of me that easily!” Dazai says, “You’re still my dog for life, Chuuuuya!”
“I’m not your dog! And after you leave I never want to see you again!” Chuuya tries to look firm, but his expression gives him away. He’s just too human.
Dazai smiles, “I can tell the chibi is worried about me! You don’t want to see me again because you’ll have to turn me in if you do!” Dazai’s grin gets wider as Chuuya’s frown gets deeper. “You must really care about me, Chuuya!”
“Shut it! We both know how serious this is.” Chuuya grits his teeth, knowing that Dazai is going to read inbetween the lines again. “If you do this, everything is over. You’ll be giving up everything you have in the Port Mafia permanently.”
“And what do I have Chuuya?” Dazai asks, a cruel smile on his lips. “You? My friend died today. Mori killed him because he was more useful dead than alive. I don’t doubt that one day, he’ll do the same to you. I can’t stay here just because you are. With me not around he’ll need a new executive, and it’s rare he’ll kill his executives. If you get promoted you’re set.” Dazai takes a breath and looks at Chuuya’s confused face before starting again. “That being said, I’m not doing this for you or out of some misguided sense of loyalty to you. I want to be a good person. Everything I touch gets destroyed, but if I leave now, if I try to be better, maybe one day I can fix something instead.”
“Why aren’t you asking me to come with you if you care about me so much?” Chuuya glares.
The truth is that he didn’t ask because he knows Chuuya won’t say yes. He has too much here. Chuuya and Kouyou are close, and Chuuya is a better mentor to Akutagawa, even if he’s too soft in Dazai’s opinion. He’s friends with Tachihara and Gin and has a good relationship with a lot of his subordinates. Chuuya doesn’t like Mori, but he won’t leave because he has people he doesn’t want to lose.
Dazai’s not going to say that though, he’s been sappy enough today. “Who said I care about the chibi? I just don’t want Mori to kill you before I do! You’re my dog after all!”
Chuuya might be a bit of a meathead, but he’s not stupid, he knows that Dazai cares. At least a little bit. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say, asshole.” Chuuya sits down on the couch and takes a sip of his wine. “Is that all? You can leave now. I won’t tell anyone until tomorrow morning. Consider it my last act as your partner.”
Dazai takes one more look at Chuuya. There's one more thing he needs to say, but he doesn’t know if he should. Wouldn’t it be cruel? To finally admit his feelings before leaving?
“Chuuya…you know I’m a selfish bastard, right?”
Chuuya puts down his glass and huffs. “Of course I do. This whole thing is selfish.”
“Well I’m going to do one more selfish thing.” Dazai leans in and kisses Chuuya.
Chuuya tastes like wine. Even though Dazai’s poison has always been whisky, he thinks he could learn to love the taste of wine if he always got it this way. Dazai knows that despite Chuuya’s short stature he’s muscular and strong, and Dazai feels it as they’re pressed together. The lack of softness.
Dazai knows that it’s time. He pulls away. Chuuya stands there frozen and confused, eyes wide. “It’s been a good run, partner. See you later!” Dazai laughs and leaves.
Dazai knows Chuuya has come back to his senses when he hears yelling as he leaves. He’ll miss that. For now though, he has to focus on finding a place to hide out.
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It’s been four years since Dazai and Chuuya parted. They’ve officially been apart longer than they’ve been together. But today is the day of their reunion.
Dazai is chained up, and he hears the telltale click-clacking of Chuuya’s fancy designer shoes. He looks up and meets Chuuya’s eyes. Dazai smiles.
Chuuya walks up, with a smug grin. “I’ve had something I’ve been waiting to do since you left.” Chuuya punches him in the face. “That’s for leaving right after kissing me!”
Chuuya then leans back in and kisses Dazai on the lips, licking the blood off. “And that's for coming back.”
Dazai has a big grin on his face. He’s always been a bit of a masochist.
“Good to see you too, Chuuya.”