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As Till proceeded to investigate on his own he felt a sharp pain and he felt himself losing his breath. He wanted to fight back, sensing he was losing control of his body; a sense of horror was washing over him as he saw people rushing over to provide aid. Specifically he saw Mizi and Sua running towards him as they pushed past the people hovering over Till’s body. Till wanted to move his hand and tried to reassure his new ‘friends’ or this world’s version of his Mizi and Sua but he couldn’t lift his hand. He saw the way Mizi was crying, how her lip was wobbling as Sua fled, possibly looking for an older human to provide medical assistance. Till wished to apologize not wanting to disturb the peace this specific world has had. He wanted to thank the two for the acceptance, the kindness, and the moments they shared. Despite knowing they weren’t the same it was nice to see the same dynamic and personalities the two girls had. Till closed his eyes as he tried to ease into the pain and felt a sudden warmth envelop him, a smell of rain intruded his nostrils,the same rain that haunted him.
Once Till opened his eyes he saw another Ivan again. Till sighed bitterly, feeling a sense of déjà vu wash over him as he was beginning to expect another Till to arrive on the scene.
‘How funny after losing his Ivan he is now bringing the others together. How cruel of fate to show him different instances of places where the two never suffered and having a chance of being happy together. He feels himself tearing up having to be faced with loneliness again. He would rather experience death all over again rather than being in a place reminding him where he does not belong.
“Cheer up” Ivan’s voice whispered as he delicately placed his thumb over Till’s cheek offering a small smile. Till slowly got up and held Ivan’s face staring into those dark orbs of his. He can see a mirth of sorrow and endless apologies. This…isn’t what the other Ivan’s gaze held. This could possibly-
“Ivan?” Till ushered, scared of breaking this trance, this possibility of seeing the one who died on the stage who shared a kiss mixed with the dreadful rain and mix of apologies. He doesn’t break away as Ivan presses his forehead against Till’s and places a hand over Till’s and one on his waist.
“I didn’t think you would have cared for me” Ivan spoke as he began to caress Till’s hand as the rain continued to pour down over them. Till notices they are back on the stage and the lights are shining on Ivan but there isn’t an audience. There isn’t anyone but the two heartbroken boys beginning to hold a memory that gave an everlasting impact.
“You idiot” Till mumbled as he allowed Ivan to pull him in closer, wrapping his hands over Ivan’s drenched clothes holding him tightly as if he was afraid this moment would be cut short just as their lives were cut short.
“I never asked you to throw the match. You knew you could have won. Why? Why did you care for me so much even when I wouldn’t spare the same glances?” Till spoke feeling the downpour begin to change into a gentle more forgiving rain.
“I could never live in a world where you didn’t exist” Ivan spoke as he detached himself and held Till’s cold hands. “I honestly didn’t think my death would have stayed with you or well become a traumatic memory. I’m sorry I burdened you I truly believed you would be able to continue as like another other match”
Till felt an anger begin to bubble within the pit of his stomach. Had Ivan truly believed that their friendship meant nothing to him? Did he see him as this cruel person who would disregard his friend’s death?
Before Till could yell at him and refute his idiotic mentality of their one sided friendship the rain subsided completely and suddenly they were on a patch of grass similar to the one in Anakt. He saw a younger version of Ivan before him.
“I noticed I was wrong. I didn’t notice the way you allowed me to be near you despite the countless fights we had. How we would share food at times and how you would allow me to lay beside you after you received beatings and the ‘improvements’ we underwent for the sake of enhancing our chances of winning. I didn’t know how to face you to get your attention away from Mizi. I never noticed the way you stared back too” Ivan spoke as he pulled Till closer to him as they felt the soft grass below their bodies and staring at the blue sky.
Till didn’t reply, sensing that Ivan had much more to confess as he was amending their situations. Till could care less about how they expressed themselves when they were younger. One thing he learned from the previous ‘world’ is that they were never meant to have a sense of normal friendship like the rest. When he saw other humans laughing and sharing jokes he realized what they had was different. Instead of communicating their issues or insecurities they would opt out for ways of avoiding sharing a real conversation fearing it would alter their friendship. They never did things simplistically; it just isn’t how they operate.
“Seeing how Luka used me as a means to ruin your momentum struck a chord with me. Is it cruel of me to have smiled knowing I meant something to you even if it is a bitter memory of my death? I wished I could have died in a way where you wouldn’t have been shaken. Wish I could have died silently. Would that have changed anything?” Ivan spoke as his voice faltered at the last sentence. Till squeezed his hand as he felt his eyes begin to water, unsure if it was from anger, frustration, and sorrow at the comment of Ivan essentially ending his life so that he could have had a fair shot of winning.
Till had to put a stop to the mentality not wanting for Ivan to continue to think about their past and just wanting for the two to enjoy their current freedom. He doesn’t want their background to begin to be haunted by the rain again.
“Ivan…no matter how you would have handled your death I still would have cared. Being thrown into a match right after losing you was a pain I have never felt before even when Mizi disappeared. They had to fill me with different kinds of drugs just to get me on the stage. I didn’t have a chance to bring myself to accept your death or any way to grieve. My body went into shock seeing your lifeless body before me. Either way I wasn’t going to win against Luka and I never counted on winning. I just wanted death to welcome me. I wanted to stop living completely. Losing you meant I had to face everything else alone” Till spoke as he locked eye contact with Ivan.
“But why did you choose to find me? You could have stayed in a world where there were no aliens. Where life was simple and you could spend happier moments with Mizi and everyone else” Ivan spoke fearing to hear the truth. Despite everything he could do to provide Till a happier life here he was before him in the makeshift world he briefly created. He stared at the young boy before him where his eyes were still filled with wonder and wanting to create music for fun not to survive.
“I didn’t belong there” Till replied as he sat up to stare down at the boy before him. “I didn’t want to experience happiness where only I survived. It was a constant reminder of how our lives truly could have been better we were just unlucky”
Ivan sat up as well feeling a bit unsatisfied with Till’s answer. He feels greedy and selfish to hear that Till wasn’t content so happy to hear he prefers their time together but he doesn’t want to hold hope that it was because of him but he longs for a clear answer for the sake of his wavering heart.
“So why did you intervene with the other version of us? That Ivan was content in being friends with Till and their dynamic was just as the same as ours. Why did you bring them together?” Ivan spoke as he grabbed the grass underneath his fingers as a way to prepare himself for the answer.
Till couldn’t find it in him to answer as it was easier in actions hoping that Ivan could read in between the lines. Then again this was someone who believed he wouldn’t be impacted by his death.
“It was annoying to see…how he acted towards his Ivan. Taking him for granted and seeing the way Ivan stared at him it just wasn’t fair to either of them” Till spoke as he began to fidget with his hands and nervously staring at the ground. He hopes that satisfied Ivan’s question he doesn’t want to overthink; he just wants to breathe and enjoy whatever time he was granted to be with his Ivan.
“But you were more affectionate…more soft with him. Did you prefer him?” Ivan spoke, trying to hide his jealousy and masking his emotion. He spared a glance to see the way Till was shifting uncomfortably as if wanting to change the conversation but seeing the way the three of them got along…watching the way Till smiled softly at the other Ivan made his heart sink. Maybe something was wrong with him.
Till looked up after hearing Ivan speak and noticed a new expression. Ivan was clearly upset at the idea of being replaced, similar to how the other Till’s was worried of how he would take over his place.
“I didn’t. Listen, I was only kinder to him because of you. You think I never cared for you? I have never felt so fucking alone after you. Even when Mizi disappeared you were there through it all. You were always there even if I pushed you away or fought you after you were being a shithead to me! But you were with me. Then you just died and I had to face everything alone. The room felt so fucking cold without you and I gave up on eating completely. Death would have been kinder than losing you. So when I saw ‘you’ a you who was kind to me and quickly accepted me without hesitation. I felt guilty that I was the reason you suffered until the end.” Till spoke as he felt his chest heave feeling himself get agitated.
Their background changed to the night they tried to escape. The sky was red with the stars falling down as if celebrating their idea of freedom. Ivan looked surprised to see Till cry before him. He never thought Till remembered that fateful night.
“Why didn’t you run without me? You had a chance to escape but why did you chase after me. Why couldn’t you just run” Till began to choke on his sob. His throat got tighter as he tried to fight back his tears.
“I could never leave you. Didn’t I tell you a life without you was not worth living? I always loved you. The moment you treated me like a person and not a pet. You were the first to look at me. When we were younger and I was being taken to my room for the first time after I was bought by Unsha I felt a stare and turned to see you. I didn’t think much of it not wanting to get attached to anyone but when I saw you fight back even if you were going to lose…I fell for you. Your braveness, recklessness really, and your determination. I just fell more and more each day I got to know you better. It was too late to live a life without you when I began to feel alive” Ivan spoke as he walked to hold his hand and placed his forehead against his.
“Sorry you were a victim of my shallow emotions. I didn’t mean to burden you this much. I wish I could say I can move on from you but as you saw it first hand. I think I was meant to love you even if you weren’t to love me back. I would choose you no matter the consequences” Ivan smiled bitterly as he placed a soft kiss against his forehead.
“I hate you” Till whispered as he allowed Ivan to snake his arms around Till’s waist.
“I know. I’m sorry” Ivan laughed he truly was never going to make this boy smile was he? He should have taken the bits he was offered instead of asking for more.
“You don’t get it. I hate you” Till spoke louder as he shoved Ivan from him and pulled Ivan by the collar.
“You don’t have to repeat it. I knew from the moment you would look at me but it was the only way you would notice me. I had to die in order to give you the chance to see Mizi once more. You’ve truly loved her and I had to make sure you could see her so your eyes could shine once more” Ivan smiled, staring at the way Till’s eyes were furrowed, clearly agitated and a bit disheveled. He can see the hue of light green and the intensity of his stare.
“I hate the way you think I never cared. I hated how you decided what was best and never once told me your idiotic plan of killing yourself. I hated how you were able to get so close and so kind to Mizi. Not because I was jealous of you but sometimes I found myself being jealous of her. How you showed yourself being affectionate with her sometimes. I hated the way you would always put everyone above yourself, specifically me. You are just as important. I hate that there is this sort of power imbalance in our friendship. You always were better than me but you wouldn’t show off as much. I hated you for chasing after me even when I would initiate the fights whenever I felt pissed off and you would let me yell at you. You wouldn’t fight back, you would just stare at me with that stupid loving gaze. I hated how you always kept your feelings to yourself. I hate the way you make me feel” Till ushered as he placed a hand over Ivan’s heart and one beside his cheek. Not missing the way Ivan’s eyes shifted to the places Till was touching him. As if he was processing Till’s speech.
A pair of the night sky met a pair of pale green. Time stopped as Till’s lip hovered over Ivan as he felt Ivan’s body go rigid.
“I hate how you didn’t give me the chance to love you back before deciding I wasn’t able to” Till whispered as he closed the distance of the two and he was able to feel the softness of Ivan’s lips and the hands were now cradling Ivan’s face expressing his emotions through his actions.
He heard a soft gasp as Ivan’s brain was catching up with the tender lips pressed against his and as a starved man he kissed back softly trying to match Till’s pace. Ivan wrapped his arms around Till’s waist pulling him closer to him.
Till briefly gasped for air and opened his eyes to see his Ivan before him. Ivan’s face was marked with tears on his cheek, his lips formed into a smile, and his eyes screaming how he is so in love with him stares back.
“I hate you but it wasn’t ever simply hatred. It was an easier way to tell myself that rather than admitting it was love. It was more complicated than simple hatred. Maybe if you had told me instead of keeping it to yourself we could have talked about it more. So don’t just decide for me okay?” Till spoke as he offered a smile to him wiping away Ivan’s tears.
Ivan hugged him tightly and peppered him with kisses muttering how much he loves Till.
Till watched as their environment changed to a place similar to anakt but there was a small body of water below their feet. They were to their respective age but with different attire similar to how the other humans he met. They were both with a school shirt and their pants were rolled up. Ivan smiled brightly at him and Till swore he saw the sun shine down on them making Ivan’s features more apparent. He was so enthralled by his beauty.
Despite everything, their hardships, arguments, and even death the two boys were able to once again reunite and spend eternity together hand in hand never letting go of the other.
—--
EPILOGUE:
“Would you have kissed the other Ivan?” Ivan spoke as they walked hand in hand feeling the calm stream of water move alongside them.
“I wasn’t going to, it was just to rile up the other. I could tell even if it were the case the other Ivan wouldn’t allow it” Till smiled. “If you were in my shoes would you have kissed the other me?”
“Hmm if I didn’t know that you loved me I would have taken my chances with him” Ivan spoke, earning a jab in the stomach.
“Cheater, here I was being loyal and you would be quick to kiss another. Loyalty my ass” Till spoke as he watched the other hold his stomach reeling from the pain.
“I was kidding, I would never choose someone who isn’t you” Ivan laughed “Never knew all the Tills are jealous and possessive”
“Just like how I’m yours, you are mine” Till spoke softly feeling his cheeks heat up wanting to not be a sap but there was no need to hold back. All those times they held back their words, their emotions were to survive.
“I love you so much Till” Ivan embraced Till from the back as he pressed a kiss at Till’s cheek.
“...I love you too” Till spoke as he turned around and pulled Ivan in for a kiss wrapping his arms around Ivan’s neck.
“Glad to see you two being receiving your happy ending” A voice scoffed and Till turned around to see Sua standing in front of the two. Sua wore short shorts and a white top. Till smiled at her, happy to see the other with them.
“Sorry I intruded on the rare moments you two could share” Till spoke with an apologetic smile. Noticing the way Sua’s poker face softened a small smile with a warmth in her eyes.
“Thanks Till” Sua replied as she was in awe of the scene before her. Feeling the stream reach her ankles and stare at her reflection.
“Mizi was always thinking about you, you know. I got to meet another version of all of us, one where we lived a life without suffering at the hands of aliens” Till spoke as he felt Ivan approach him from behind hugging him as he rested his chin on Till’s shoulder.
“That sounds nice…I got to see that alongside Ivan. She was as pretty as ever” Sua smiled to herself as she continued staring at the reflection as if imagining Mizi beside her sharing this moment.
“She was. The two of you were clearly in love. I hope you get to see her soon” Till spoke feeling a bit of pity towards the girl who has been alone, possibly in her memories replaying the moments she shared with Mizi.
“A part of me hopes it won’t be so soon. I want to see her live as long as possible. Just like the pathetic boyfriend of yours I don’t mind waiting” Sua smiled at the two.
“He’s not pathetic!” Till rebutted as one hand reached towards Ivan’s jaw pulling him in for a quick kiss. “He’s an loving pathetic boyfriend that I love wholeheartedly”
This comment made Ivan swoon as he began to leave peppered kisses against Till’s face and neck earning a soft giggle.
“Ugh show offs. Keep your hands in your pants both of you. I don’t want to spend an eternity seeing the two of you makeout” Sua sighed as she splashed the water at both of them to stop them from going further than simple kisses.
This is how they all began to play in the water as if they were children back in Anakt laughing and being able to befriend one another.