Chapter Text
Sister Bernadette sang out during Compline, trying to lift her voice to drown out the nervous feeling in her stomach. The feeling had been there all day, despite the ease of her rounds and the one routine birth she had been called out for. Usually when she felt like this something bad was about to happen. Last time she had this feeling she fell off her bike due to a patch of ice during the last blizzard of the winter. Foreboding, she called it when she felt it happen, at least she called it that in her mind. She could remember it rolling in her stomach before every bad moment in her life.
She wondered if the feeling had anything to do with her current focus on Dr. Turner and Timothy. The boy was obviously missing a female influence on his life and she could see the doctor turning to his work instead of looking after the boy. The school yard injury from just a few weeks ago played in her mind. Timothy had been so saddened by his father’s reaction but had adjusted to her help quickly. Even drawing her a gift as a thank you. She wondered if a woman in their family would help the two smooth out the rough edges their relationship had developed since his wife had died. She tried to help them when she could but knew it wasn’t enough. As she realized she had been distracted by the Turner family once again she shook her head to push the thoughts away as Compline finished.
As the other nuns filed out of the chapel she stayed to say one more prayer alone at the altar. When she rose from her knees and turned to leave she saw Sister Julienne in the doorway. Her calm gaze watching the young nun as she stood.
"Is all well?" Sister Julienne asked with an inquisitive tilt of her head, watching with a more intense curiosity than she normally did. Sister Bernadette guessed that the older nun could tell something had been bothering her for a while but she didn’t feel ready to talk about it with anyone but God.
"Yes Sister, just a strange feeling today that drew me to stay a little longer." She replied as she walked closer to the door. Sister Julienne simply nodded and turned to leave, Sister Bernadette following her out the door and up the stairs towards their bedrooms.
When Sister Bernadette woke the next morning the foreboding feeling was still there. In fact it was worse. She mumbled her way through morning prayer and did not even touch her breakfast. She went out on her morning rounds trying to be as careful as possible both with herself and her patients. She skipped lunch since her stomach was so badly tied in knots, spending plenty of time with her patients to look for any little detail about their health that might be what her foreboding feeling was related to.
She pedaled slowly back towards Nonnatus House in the evening, trying not to let her mind wander as they might lead to an accident. She was focused on her bike and the people she passed, being more careful than she had ever remembered being, when she heard someone yell her name.
“Sister Bernadette!" A little boy's loud voice bellowed as she neared Nonnatus House. She slowed down to a stop and got off, making sure to walk to the edge of the street for safety. She looked towards the gaggle of children playing kickball for the boy who had called for her.
"Timothy. How was your first day of summer holiday?" She asked, smiling at the boy as he rushed over to stand in front of her. He smiled back at her, glad he had waited around long enough to see her, he wasn’t sure his dad would think to ask about his day later.
"It was great. Fred let me help in the Nonnatus garden so Sister Monica Joan gave me cake. I went to Jack's house for tea and we have been out here playing kickball for hours." He shared bouncing slightly in his excitement.
"What kind of cake?" She replied swiftly, knowing how much the boy loved sweets.
"Chocolate with chocolate frosting. She said I shouldn't tell anyone..." He said, his eyes going wide as he realized he had shared the secret.
"Don't worry I won't tell." She said with a smile before mimicking zipping her mouth closed. He laughed at her antics.
"If you have no plans for tomorrow you could always come help at the clinic. Toy corner might need some supervision, or at least someone who can read to the little ones." She added, the corner of her lip lifting up into a slight smile. He nodded once before he was distracted by Nurse Franklin passing them as she quickly made her way towards the bike shed.
"Dad said once the midwives start to get back I need to head home. I guess that means I have to go now." He said as he focused back on the small nun before him. A slightly sad look on his face at the idea of leaving his friends to go to his empty home and wait for his dad to return.
"Do you want me to walk you home?" Sister Bernadette asked, her hands gripping on her handlebars tightly. Maybe Timothy was why she had been feeling dread in the pit of her stomach all day.
"No thank you Sister, I can make it there on my own. See you tomorrow at the clinic." Timothy replied before heading back towards the other children. She watched him yell his goodbyes to them before running off in the direction of the Turner flat. She looked down at her feet and walked slowly to stow her bike in the shed. Hoping as she went that Timothy would make it home safely and that she would not regret sending him off on his own.
Once her bike was secured in the shed she carefully walked up the front steps and entered Nonnatus House. Before she had completely shut the door behind her Sister Julienne called out her name. When she turned she saw the slight frown on the older nuns face and her heart dropped to her churning stomach. Something bad had happened. The foreboding feeling was right again. She set her bag in the clinical room and followed Sister Julienne to her office. As the head nun sat behind her desk, Sister Bernadette sat opposite. This was a usual arrangement for them, even when having conversations over duties or planning their shifts. But this time it felt different, more nerve wracking due to the foreboding feeling that only continued to grow as they sat in the silence. Her hands clasped onto the wooden cross that dangled from her neck as she nervously awaited whatever news was coming. Sister Julienne cleared her throat and looked down, not able to meet Sister Bernadette’s eyes as she shared this news.
"I received a phone call today from Aberdeen. Your cousin Flora and her husband were in a car accident last night." Sister Julienne informed her, her words slow and methodical.
"Oh my. Are they alright? What about their little girl, Maggie?" Sister Bernadette asked quickly, memories of her childhood with her cousin filled her mind in the few seconds before the other nun replied.
"They didn't survive the crash. Maggie wasn't with them, she was being watched by a neighbor while they had an evening out. I'm so sorry Sister Bernadette." Sister Julienne said, she stood and came around the desk to console the now crying younger nun.
"She was the only family I had left. All the older generation have passed and her brothers were killed during the war." Sister Bernadette explained through her sobs. Sister Julienne rubbed her back soothingly until she stopped crying.
"The first train to Aberdeen leaves in the morning, I assume you will want to go to arrange things. I have already set out a suitcase on your bed so you can pack what is necessary. There is also an envelope of money from the petty cash for your trip." Sister Julienne said after the young nun had calmed down. She removed her hand from the younger nun’s back to step away and watch the poor girl. Sister Bernadette’s eyes were red from crying and she was obviously distraught at the news.
"Thank you Sister." Sister Bernadette replied quietly before standing on her unsteady feet. She walked the short distance to the chapel and fell on her knees in front of the altar. Praying for the soul of her cousin and husband before she prayed for her cousin's young daughter and what she knew would come in a world without her parents. She quickly added on a prayer for young Timothy Turner who also knew of that hurt. She vividly remembered the look on his face two weeks ago when he injured himself at school and his father was too absorbed in his patients to help. She stood and walked slowly up the stairs to pack for the trip to Aberdeen. The foreboding feeling in her stomach had not gone away despite the news which terrified her.
The next day Sister Bernadette boarded the train early with her small tattered suitcase. She spent the long train ride thinking and praying. She had been doubting her calling to religious life for a while now. She had been having thoughts of living a normal life ever since witnessing the nurses nightly routine last year. While the drinking, smoking, and dancing weren't too appealing, the friendship and comradery that they had was something she craved. She had her sisters but she didn't feel that was the same. Dr. Turner had also distracted her attention lately, ever since his honesty at Christmas over how he and Tim were dealing with the loss of his wife. She had sewn a button onto his lab coat to replace a missing one and later had drastically overstepped by taking a puff from his cigarette after the Carter birth. She had been spending hours in the chapel asking for forgiveness, then guidance.
Now she felt utterly lost. The last person in the world who shared blood with her was gone. The last person to really know her as her and not as Sister Bernadette. At some point tears started falling again and she dug her small Bible out of the pocket of her habit. She tried to calm herself with prayer and reading her Bible for the rest of the train ride but it didn’t help much. The nine hour trip felt longer as she filled with dread again. While prayer usually could help calm her and provide focus, no amount of prayers seemed to help this time. As the dread increased in the pit of her stomach she changed her prayers, instead of trying to calm herself she hoped that nothing else would happen that would make matters worse.