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Colin Bridgerton was a contradiction. He was mature in his attachments, tender in his feelings, adventurous but with a consistent longing for familiar faces, and always hungry. Sometimes he was incredibly casual with big steps forward, and his family had to do their best to hide the fear they knew he must secretly feel.
They had watched him stumble into dating Penelope Featherington, then barrel into living together in the United States. Their early stages had been as good as a marriage with such a change of scenery they took root in one another. Their work took them everywhere, made them a level of famous, and now they were back in London for the first time in nearly a year. There were accolades to be collected. Colin was a big name on the internet, and he was getting a whimsical plaque to show it. She was more known for her articles, but she was a frequent guest star on his videos.
One of the perks - a minor thing next to his excessive love - was Penelope’s fashion sense was on call when he had to look groomed and successful. She was even more of a help when she was on his arm, because Colin’s confidence with Pen smiling at him could outshine the sun. He would be fine, except she wasn’t available that night. It was the same time as her sister’s baby shower, and the family obligation came before any social media buzz. Benedict had been called upon to get Colin safely through his acclaim without falling off the stage or forgetting to thank his favourite teacher when he was eleven.
“It’s too flashy,” he said, watching as his brother shrugged around the room with his new suit jacket rumpling around him. It was a patchwork of electric blue, grey and white cut into shapes like quilt squares, with faux stitching around each colour. “You have to be cool about it. You have a big look, so your anxiety has to be small.”
Colin threw him a look, and Penelope glanced at him more mildly. She reached for her fiance and patted him until he stood quietly in front of her.
“You look great, but you do have to wear the jacket harder. It’s a lot, but don’t go blank. People like your personality. That’s who they invited tonight. They don’t want an imaginary version who is so shiny and suave he seems like a different person. Do you remember how many comments you got when you kicked a rock into the Grand Canyon? They were horrified you might have fallen. Clumsy is fine when it comes with other good things.”
He tugged at it, and buttoned it. “You think it’s good?”
“It’s almost too good. Why do you think Ben is chaperoning you? I’m not going to be part of some tawdry social media cheating scandal because someone wants you enough to take a photo with you and use it to claim you’re slutty,” Penelope told him.
Benedict shrugged. “I’m slutty, and I resent the implication we’re hunting the good ones. We are seeking like-minded sluts and slut-curious intellectuals looking for a good time but not a long time,” he said.
He was dressed like a dream, with his usual tux and a large gardenia spray on his lapel. There was something to be said for a classic look, and not upstaging one’s little brother on his night. He knew he was a second choice after Penelope, and would do his best to be emotional support during the triumphant return to London society.
“Wait, Ben is there to stop me from acting out? Pen, that’s insane. If this is how we find babysitters, all our kids are going to be in prison before they get to Kindergarten,” Colin said, looking across the room. “I can’t believe he’s the example I should follow.”
Ah, and now the big decision of the day! Was it more priceless an opportunity to tease his brother about his abundant plans to knock up his fiancee, or to play up his friendship with said fiancee to the point Colin was jealous of his own dear brother? Except he was a free spirit and could do both!
“First of all, let’s always ask Penelope before having a baby with her, and second, I am a fine example. I am welcome in every home, bar, restaurant, speakeasy, gambling den, tea party and royal wedding. Put us back in the 1800s and every little debutante would want me to bring flowers to her mother’s house and talk about retiring to the country house to hunt foxes.”
Colin rolled his eyes. “If you touched gun oil you’d die, not the fox! And we’d both have the fox at Mother’s house with a personalized bowl and a dog bed in the living room. The 1800s would destroy both of us. How would I manage if I had to write letters to Pen and wait for answers back? I’d actually die. And you can mind your own business about the babies I have with her.”
Benedict put down his magazine to stand up and pose with arrogance. “So we’re not addressing babies in conversation anymore? Since when? Unless it’s a foregone conclusion, which means you’re working on a hybrid Bridgerton-Featherington right this minute! Right this minute? Penelope, did my brother do you a service - or a disservice?! Are we excited? Are we outraged? Should I take him by his scruff?”
She pulled her hair into a ponytail, and started steaming the wrinkles out of Colin’s jacket, brother still inside it. He didn’t seem to have much fear, and his expression was pissy. He brushed a strand of her hair out of her eyes, and she smiled up at him.
“I am not pregnant, but when I am it will be with enthusiastic and careful planning,” she said. “We need to get the wedding over, because if I have to try on the dress once more I am having a nude wedding in a foam pit. Our children will not end up in prison, Colin. They would become wards of the foster care system, and we would not let that happen. Benedict is going to find a new, better version of himself very soon so that he can be a good uncle. And he will stop talking about them like we are making robots that can charge like an electric car or run on petrol.”
He took his chair and picked up a magazine. “I can do that. You will have human babies, and they will be fairly normal except for whatever they do to take after Colin,” he said, smiling to himself. “Which you might quite like, so that’s fine.”
Penelope seemed satisfied with his remarks signifying the intention to be remorseful later, so she carried on with her styling. She squished the little stuffed corgi back into his pocket. It was a gift from Hyacinth, and was going to make it on-screen even if it had to become a pocket square. Social media celebrities were allowed to be silly.
She sighed, and stood back to look her man over critically. She could love him, and also lump him. Pen was the whole package. “Colin, I can see it through your trousers. Is it necessary?”
Without shame, Colin smoothed the front of his clothes. “I can’t really help how big it is. I didn’t decide on the dimensions of it, Pen! It’s not my fault pants are tighter this year. I got the relaxed cut and it’s still not that loose in places.”
His brother was a good eater and his fitness routine was often interrupted by his boyfriend routine. Penelope liked walks and lifted cute little weights that could stay under her desk for when she felt like it. He had been living in different hotels, motels and a caravan for six months while he blogged about seeing major U.S. locations Brits usually only saw on television. And he ate well. So perhaps there was a little weight gain associated with his trouble with his suit. Maybe he was feeling a little picked on. Benedict decided not to comment, because Colin looked healthy. Penelope wouldn’t leave him for some chub. He could get fit if he wanted to.
“Adjust it and let’s go,” he said. “We’re going to miss the dinner, or the show, or whatever is the new trendy thing to have with awards shows. Maybe it’s goat yoga? I have been promised a swag bag, Colin.”
“I’m not sure there’s anywhere it can go,” Penelope said, her body blocking his view but clearly slipping her hand into Colin’s pocket to jumble something around.
Ben winced. “Oh! A little warning, please. I can leave.”
“I’m almost ready, Brother. Don’t be a prude,” Colin told him. “What do you want me to do with it, Pen?”
That felt like a private conversation, and he wrinkled his nose. “Oh, uhm, yikes. I think we all know she wants it, but there is a time and place.”
Colin looked over her curly head, and sighed, “Yes, but I can’t really do without it.”
Penelope stood back and studied whatever was happening in Colin’s trousers. “Can’t you fold it, and angle it so it’s not so outlined? It’s not like no one else will have one, but it’s just a great big thing drawing attention,” she said.
Colin wasn’t that big. He was respectable. And brothers did not compare, but he wasn’t the biggest. They were all respectable, but there was no obvious winner. Maybe there was a bit of a girth difference that favoured Colin, but Benedict had mastery over his equipment. Anthony was no slouch, and was also the only one who had made a baby - which was the primary function as a species. Gregory seemed to have no issues with confidence. They were a family with many blessings.
“It’s thicker folded, and then I have to balance the weight of it differently. If I’m supposed to look comfortable, I can’t have a lump off to one side. And I don’t want to have scratches on it.”
Benedict felt his eyes go wide. It was a strange thing to see real irritation between Penelope and Colin. She loved him in his entirety. Colin was just a lot, apparently, even for a woman who had the choice to love him. It was also strange she was discovering his anatomy now, after what was presumed to be quite a lot of physical intimacy.
“Well, we know there will be filming and photographers,” she said. “I can’t let you walk a red carpet with it bouncing around and pointing right at people.”
“I won’t point it at anyone,” Colin said, his voice embarrassed. “I can’t do anything about it now, and you’re making me feel weird. Do you remember how you were both saying I have to walk tall in my outfit? Well, I’m having flashbacks to high school and slinking around in a slump because I felt like burying myself alive every time a girl looked at me.”
The awkward growth spurt did hit Colin so hard he nearly died from blushing. It was lucky he had the face he did, and that Penelope had loved him anyway. Of course, back in high school he didn’t do anything about it, but delayed gratification wasn’t bad for character development.
Penelope smoothed her palms down Colin’s chest, which could not be helpful for the abundance of strong Bridgerton genes causing trouble down in his pants. She smiled.
“What if we cover it with your jacket?”
“Then I have to leave it open, which pulls the square pattern out of line on the two sides,” Colin told her. He tried it, and the jacket did not look as good with buttons open.
“Oh, yes, that’s not better. What are we going to do with you, hubby? Does it really need to be so large all the time?”
Colin frowned. “You know I needed the upgrade for work,” he said. “Can we just figure something out for right now? I don’t want to be late.”
Penelope was staring at his crotch again. “I guess we could put it in something. If we add layers it will be more padded and the shape will blend more. Just don’t turn sideways, because it’s not a total fix,” she said. “I guess I should be grateful I’m not taking you to the baby shower with me. My mother would never shut up about it.”
Ben felt like mentioning it was important to have good boundaries with those outside a marriage. A mother-in-law was an important person, but she didn’t need to meet the package. She couldn’t help with anything medical, and everything else was an overshare. The talk of upgrades was alarming, but if there was improvement, he would not judge. He was less certain how Colin used his body for work. It seemed like his body was promised to Pen, but people had all sorts of understandings. Maybe he was branching out into thirst traps.
“Let’s not talk about your mother,” Colin grumbled.
“I mean, it can only help with the problem,” Benedict said happily. “I don’t have a mother-in-law, but I think I’d have trouble getting randy about her.”
His brother gave him a disgusted look, and Penelope turned to him with a nervous pout. “Why are we talking about attractive mothers?”
He shrugged. “No reason in particular! I was being facetious. I’m sorry. If I thought I could offer a suggestion, I would do so, but my pants are excellent,” he told her.
Penelope turned back to her fashion disaster, and crossed her arms. “Maybe you could leave it at home. Benedict has his if there’s really an urgent need.”
His eyebrows floated off and up to the ceiling, like rogue helium balloons. He was spoken for, even if he did not have a romance that was quite so settled as Penelope with Colin. He was not on loan for industry events. It might be pertinent to ask exactly what realms of social media were welcoming Colin. Travel blogs did not often feature lovingly detailed spreads of everything a man had to give. Nothing in his pants could disconnect to better suit the evening plans.
“Mine is unavailable,” Ben said, his tone loud. “I’m thinking about giving it up for a bit. Just to say I did, you know. I’m tired of it. I’ve had enough for a long time.”
Penelope was polishing Colin’s belt buckle and shrugged. “Okay? Well, we have one of the spares from traveling. Just take a small one that fits in a pocket,” she said, looking archly up into Colin’s face.
Benedict put down his magazine. “You have spares, for travel? You can just put them away for when you want them? What are we talking about again?”
She buttoned his brother’s jacket and petted his throat like she was testing his shaving. “I guess that’s all I can do about it without making it worse,” she said. “Either you leave it at home, or everyone will see how big yours is. Benedict, did you want a phone to carry for emergencies?”
He stood up, patting his jacket. “I have my phone. Wait, what? Have you been talking about a phone all this time you’ve been rearranging his clothes?”
Penelope stood away from Colin and smiled. “Yes. What did you think I was doing? He has to go soon. If I was trying to get him back into bed with me, I’d have sent you out of the room,” she said. “And I really will not be forgiven for not going to this baby shower. You look great. They’ll just have to deal with the giant phone square that ruins your symmetry.”
There was a broad, flat square in one trouser pocket, and it did feel unfinished compared to the daring jacket. Ben shook his head.
“I thought you were over there resettling his boom mic and speakers to hide arousal,” he said caustically. “And I was baffled how you thought that was a perfectly companionable thing to have me here for, let alone the way you were talking about how Colin needs it for work. I’ve also never felt less large and excited from being helped by a female hand. But I couldn’t see exactly what you were doing, and I wasn’t going to walk over to have a look.”
Colin looked startled and he pulled Pen in to hug her. “Is that why you said something about being attracted to Pen’s mother?”
“I thought it was a calm down thought, like doing math or reciting the names of royals,” Benedict said. “I don’t know what works for you. I don’t want to go out with you showing off your offline talents. I signed up to be proud while people chatted you up about your travel reviews. I thought Penelope was suggesting I could do your casual sex for you!”
She shook her head. “I am out of time and patience. Good luck, my love. I am very proud. Have fun, and take the compliments tonight. But maybe don’t go to any afterparty with your brother. I will see you later.”
She was dressed in blue, with a fuzzy sweater over her arm. Her purse matched the sweater, and she was better than Colin deserved. Penelope stopped next to Ben and looked at him. “You’re very handsome, but no one should be using you for sex,” she said. “Least of all by proxy for your siblings. Have fun, but not too much. And the next time you think I’m groping Colin, you can just leave the room. I worry about the things you get into trying to be agreeable. Goodnight.”
Colin kept his mouth shut until his fiancee was gone, and said, “Please don’t start an orgy at my work event. Also, now I cannot handle the idea of people looking at my phone through my pants, so I’m leaving it. I assume I can borrow your phone to call Pen later?”
His phone was quite large, and it did fold in half, which just made it harder to hide in a pocket. It was more like a mini laptop, and Colin needed a compact version for his evening wear.
Benedict grinned. “You don’t need to call. That woman just appeared to be juggling your bollocks around for exhaustive minutes and I didn’t think she would hesitate to do so if it made your night more successful. You do not need to call ahead to see Penelope. How are you not married to her for years by now?”
His brother hid a smile with his head tipped back, then looked at him directly. “The next leg of my U.S. stops includes Las Vegas. Do you think you can get the family on a flight on short notice to see us get married by a fake Elvis?”
He chuckled. “I think Ant would spring for a private plane, as long as Mother gets a proper reception for family and friends here.”
Conspiracy formed, they left for Colin’s award presentation. Ben knew the prize was nothing next to the love he had at home, but it only took the pressure off being his plus one. He was no Penelope, and there was no point trying to be as wonderful.