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Even before Sugar’s lips touch yours, you already know that it's a bad idea.
That the next morning you'll regret everything and that she'll definitely regret it before you do. Things will be awkward for a few hours and then there will be about two weeks of silly jokes.
Kim and Sugar, just friends.
That is, of course, until it happens again.
She doesn't look at women the way you do, but in those moments she looks at you like this.
You think on a rational level that this should make you feel flattered, that you're the big exception to her, but that doesn't happen, it only makes your insecurity grow, but when she gets close to kiss you, that look doesn't make you feel anything bad.
For a second you try to blame her body for this, her lips, her skin, her long fingers, her legs, the smell of her hair, the way her chest moves when she breathes, everything about her attracts you, but you know that it's not just that, if you had never met her and suddenly saw her in a bar you would think she was beautiful but it wouldn't have the same effect.
It happens because of who she is, because of everything you've been through together, not just her looks but because of the girl Maria Sugar Sweet, because she can make you feel more alive than anyone else.
It happens because of the way she involves you, how all her actions and words seem to weigh more than those of others, for better or for worse, everything was a little more intense, when things were going well everything was fantastic you never had as much fun and laughed as when you were with her, and when things weren't going well it was the worst thing, you felt miserable and hopeless, the saddest and the happiest, the lowest of lows and the highest of highs.
Because the people who have the ability to hurt you are always the ones you love the most, you can hurt her too, that's not much of a compensation, she loves you but you don't trust her to love you the way you would like to be loved, you could have trusted Beth and tried to trust Saint, you could have had the perfect love from the endings of old Hollywood romantic movies, you know from the beginning that that's not an option with her.
You can forget (or at least pretend) that things aren't like that, you meet other girls, kiss other girls, sleep with other girls, fall in love with other girls, but as soon as she wants you again you'll be right there like nothing has changed.
And that's actually the truth, she's always a shadow in any of your relationships, the judgmental voice in the back of your mind, the girl you use to compare all the others to.
Touching her is a bad idea, touching her has always been a bad idea, but that's not enough to make you stop.