Chapter Text
There was a time i felt something growing in me, whenever i see George. I've always thought it was just my head messing with me. I tried to deny it, but it keeps coming back.
His face, his smile, his voice. It always brings that feeling back in me. I hated it. I hated everything about it. I hate him. I hate how he makes me feel like this. I hate how he's always so caring, and looks after me whenever I'm in discomfort. I hate how he's always so close to me. I hate how..
...
..It's because of my father's influence. He's always told me that me liking the same gender as mine, its the worst thing to ever happen. As if it would destroy the world, or something. Even if i thought that was ridiculous, i was afraid to protest, as i didn't know much back then.
I hated how that affected me and George's relationship.
I was threatened that I'd never see him again, if we'd stop acting like a "couple". I was frustrated. Me? George? A couple? That's preposterous.
Even if i have these strange feelings, i wouldn't say they're crushes. But maybe they are. I'm not sure.
It's confusing.
It does feel nice when I'm with him. But yet, i still feel the pit of my stomach sink. It always upsets me at the thought of us possibly never be together. I hated how much he's become a part of my life.
I was jealous of his parents. I hated how they accepted him, but my father didn't even bother to know who i am.
It caused me to distance myself from him.
He's the first friend I've made. It feels different than any of the othe people I've met now. I've always brushed it off as he's technically my best friend. Of course it'll be different.
But, throughout the years, our behaviors has changed too.
We're more closer than ever. It does feel nice, but i still feel myself getting haunted by my father. Even if his presence isn't there, I'm afraid he'd notice me and George acting like this, and pressure me to not hang out with him anymore. I've always ignored his commands, ever since i noticed a pattern where he'll never be satisfied on what i do.
I found a happier, more carefree life with George. He didn't care about whatever goes in our way. He's everything i could ever ask for.
His face,
His smile,
His voice..
He means the world to me. It's ridiculous how i thought negatively of him in the past due to my father's disgusting influence. I don't know why i even listened to him. It was so complicated whenever i had to see George or not.
But I'm glad i always chose the first option.
I love how George is always there for me.
I love how he always looks out and cares for me whenever I'm in discomfort.
Even when he's witnessed my "episodes", he doesn't lash back or leave me alone. He stays — for me.
...
I'm sorry, George.
For everything I've denied. Doubting myself and you, too. I'm always tangled in my mind. And made it hard for you, and me. I just want the best for both of us. Is that too much to ask for?
...
I love you, George Beard.
I hope one day we'll be free, without a care in the world. A day where i wouldn't have to worry about my father seeing us like this.
A day, where i could love you, however i want.