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You'd think throwing up in a CTA trashcan while waiting for a red line train at two o'clock in the morning, would be a low point in Max's life. It's not.
"How is this not a low point?" Penny asks from the safety of the small heated space provided by the Chicago Transit Authority. The heat lamps make Max feel like he's at a sub-par buffet line but right now he'd much rather be huddling with the girls than trying to keep his latkes and kugel down. Why Jane has an annual Hanukkah party Max will never know but that shiksa can fry.
"Silly Penny," Max shouts from where he's currently hugging the trash can. "This is only like number 8 on the times Chicago has screwed me over."
"I don't think drinking too much Manischivetz and then insisting on being a human dreidel is Chicago's fault," Penny points out.
"Oh it is."
Alex murmurs, "I can't feel my toes," into her multicolored scarf. "How much longer until Train Tracker says the train gets here?"
"Ten minutes," Penny answers.
"It said that ten minutes ago." Alex wraps herself in her thin jacket and hunkers down for the wait.
There's a few seconds of strained, freezing silence before Penny asks, "So is the time Michael Bay cockblocked us from seeing Sex and the City 2 one of your Chicago low moment?"
"It's number seven," Max notes. "It would be higher but once we actually saw the movie I realized Michael Bay was just trying to save us from seeing a terrible movie by making a terrible movie."
"I like Transformers," Alex speaks up, "Bay makes things go boom."
"I think the cold is getting to Alex's brain," Penny says.
Max ignores the both of them and continues, "Now number six is the first day I moved to Chicago."
"Was that the time you got kicked out of Hydrate for glory-"
"No, no," Max interrupts. "That's actually on my top eight of reasons of why I'm awesome list. This has to do with my first apartment in Boystown."
"First offically recognized gay neighborhood in the country," Penny notes with pride, as she does whenever she goes on a Wikipedia spree and learns some useless fact.
"Whatever. It has shirtless men and Hydrate was within stumbling distance," Max says. "The point is, because Chicago's moving laws are completely arbitrary, and I might not have read my lease, I couldn't move into my apartment until 8 that night. Which somehow led to me spending twenty-four hours at the Lucky Horseshoe."
"Ohhh," both girls say in union with matching faces of distaste.
"So that's why they all knew your name at Jane's bachelorette party."
"What about the time you stalked Michael Cera at Borders?" Penny asks because she's never heard the full story; just gotten the text messages, one blurry cellphone pic, and then asked for bail money.
"That's number five. And I was not stalking. Just because I was stealing some free wifi and Michael Cera happened to walk in, and then I happened to scream 'Steve Holtz!' multiple times does not make me a stalker."
"Maybe not being a stalker but you did get arrested for public disturbance."
"That's because the officers weren't fans of Arrested Development. Besides you ended up dating my arresting officer."
"Oh Lieutenant Greg," Penny reminisces. "So perfect until I woke up and he was cutting my hair and dyeing it red."
"When is the train coming?!?" Penny asks over the safety of her scarf.
Penny looks at her phone and says, "Nine minutes."
There's the sound of unhappy baby bears before Alex hunkers into herself again and hibernates for winter.
"And this is why the months November through April are number four on my list of times Chicago has screwed me over," Max states. He stands up a little straighter and does feel a bit better. Maybe he shouldn't have had that tenth latke.
"But Chicago in the winter is so pretty," Penny argues. "You have the snow and the lights on State Street. Skating in Millennium Park and the Christkindlmarket."
"Do not speak to me of that place, it's number three on my list."
Penny asks, "The little German Christmas market downtown? Why? It's so cute and fun and they even have a menorah."
"I don't care about equal representation," Max says. It's like she doesn't even know him. "No I hate the guy who sells roasted peanuts. We had a very bad breakup and now whenever he says 'roasted nuts' it just brings up a lot of memories."
"Please never tell us that story," Penny pleads.
"What's number two?" Alex asks.
"The #11 bus."
The matching looks of disgust are back.
"Where does that bus even go?" Alex asks. "North, south, east, west, it has no idea, you have no idea."
Penny adds. "I hate that bus. You know I once waited thirty minutes to catch it, only to find out on weekends the bus stop was on a different street. Who does that?"
"Exactly," Max agrees. "It's an evil bus of never-ending evil. Also I might have slept with the weekend bus driver so I can't really take it if I don't want the doors slamming in my face."
Penny considers this and wonders if she should start flirting with her bus driver. She looks at her phone and announces, "Five minutes till the train."
"I'm going to freeze before this train gets here. We should have just have taken a cab."
"No cabs Alex," Max says. "It's like saying the city won."
"So what's you're worse Chicago moment?" Penny asks because if she keeps moving her lips maybe she'll get feeling back in them.
Max considers himself pretty much sobered up and a lot less likely to heave so he walks back to the girls and the minimal heating of the CTA warming spots. "It's not so much a moment as a team."
"The Bears?" Alex asks. "Because they have inconsistent offensive line coverage and a quarterback who never smiles and a defense that's riddled with injuries?"
"No."
"The Bulls," Penny offers. "Because of their ridiculous ticket prices and the fact Michael Jordan isn't playing anymore."
"No."
"The Blackhawks because of their slightly offensive mascot and that time you had a crush on Jonathan Toews until you realized he's Canadian?"
"No."
"The Chicago Fire because although the rest of the world loves 'futball' America just doesn't seem to care."
"No you losers, I'm talking about that other sport."
A hush falls over their group. It's the only sport that divides the city, the one that pits neighbor against neighbor, southside vs northside.
"Baseball," Alex and Penny both mutter with reverence.
"Yeah and the Chicago Cubs have continually screwed me over," Max says.
"I thought you were a Cubs fan," Alex asks. Jane and her are White Sox fans but she tries not to hold it against her friends who are Cubs fans. She just asks when was the last time the Cubs won a World Series and it gets them to shut up pretty quickly.
"I am," Max says. "That's why I hate them so much. Do you know my grandpa was a Cubs fan since the day he was born, never got to see them win the World Series. I can love them as much as I want but besides sacrificing a goat there's no way they'll ever win a championship."
"Aw Max," Penny says, going in for a side hug.
Max perks up, "Plus trying to get anywhere in Lakeview on game day is about as stupid as possible."
"And you're back."
"And it's the train!" Alex says, jumping up ad down and flagging down the conductor like he'll somehow miss their stop.
"All right party people," Penny says, "let's get this show on the train."
*** Three stops later ***
"Hurry Max, the doors are closing."
Max finishes spitting out the last of his Maniszhevitz and latke mixture into the CTA garbage. He can hear the tell tale ding that the train is about to leave his ass behind.
"Come on Max!"
He sprints to jump onto the train just as the doors close.
"And now that's number three on reasons why I'm awesome."