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Rika rose, and checked what was most important for her. That was, yes, Satoko was asleep. She was fast asleep. That meant that what she wanted to do was possible.
Time for a drink
She went to get her special treat for herself. Satoko would be shocked if she knew this was here. She’d be unhappy about this, for sure. So was another person. Yes, even with the time they’d had, so much time, Hanyuu never really accepted this habit of Rika’s. It was something she effectively had to tolerate, due to her lack of power and how they were bound to each other.
For once, I can be happy about that.
Once more, Hanyuu looked unhappy. She looked unhappy often enough, and this matter always made Hanyuu unhappy. That wasn’t going to make Rika stop, of course, but she still felt guilt about this.
“You’d be an alcoholic without that power. Maybe a very, very serious one”.
With some smugness, Rika grinned. “If I didn’t loop, yes. But I do”.
“Ugh”. Hanyuu pouted. “You shouldn’t. It’s not good to abuse such a thing in this way, not at all. And, even if you can reset your body, and even if it perhaps can’t create addictions in the normal manner, there’s more to worry about than your body. This can’t be good for you”.
“It’s not nice for you, you mean?”.
“No! That’s not it”.
“Are you sure? You whine about my curries like this too, because you hate how it affects you”.
“It’s not whining”, Hanyuu protested. Rika was amused by this.
Yes, all sorts of things like this can make this life of mine a bit less of an ordeal.
“Rika, I’m really worried about how this will affect you”, Hanyuu said forcefully, for her.
“Oh? Now you are?”, Rika replied a bit sharply. This was considerably less amusing, and being a bit mean to her only enduring ally in this nightmare.
Even though she’s so useless. No, sometimes worse than that.
“I always am. Ever since you were much younger, as long as I’ve known you, I’ve worried about you, and I’ve worried about everything unhealthy that you’ve had to do to cope with this horrible life”, Hanyuu protested.
Rika snorted. “It doesn’t feel like that from my point of view”.
Hanyuu glowered at her, her gaze sharp. “Rika!”.
It was fortunate that no one could hear Hanyuu. Regardless, Rika did feel bad. Hanyuu had her problems, but she was there for Rika since her birth.
“Sorry”.
“It’s...it’s okay”, Hanyuu said, with a strained, pained smile. Sounding concerned, she added “I understand, that this is hurting you, affecting you. Really.
“Do you really? Do you know how hard it is to keep struggling when you keep being told not to get hopeful?”, Rika fired back. With some embarrassing desperation, she found herself saying, “I need this. It helps numb this endless suffering, this pain. Are you going to deny me even this? I have to struggle without hope, so I need to make the pain bearable".
Hanyuu fumed, her hands clenched. “You….”
“What? What do you want from me? I can't stop this. I just can't. Not while I have to endure this hell. Or is there some hope that I can have that you won't keep telling me to not get too invested in?".
Hanyuu’s shoulders slumped and sighed exhaustedly. She sounded resigned, defeated. “Fine. Fine, Rika”.
“I assume you’ll want to disappear”, Rika offered. It was clear that they needed to get a breather from each other.
“...yes”. Hanyuu once more looked concerned, though she did smile. “I really do wish better for you. I really do hate this powerlessness of mine”.
Rika had a lot that she felt she could say to that. But she didn’t want to make things worse. So she was just silent as Hanyuu left.
And so now I’m left with one of a few things that can make this existence better. That does sound pathetic, but I am in different circumstances to your average melodramatic drunk.
After a moment, Rika started. She did drink her specially prepared drink, in slow nursing manner. It was truly important to her, in the bleak hell she was in. That wasn’t something she’d have been at all happy to hear about herself before this loop, But there was a lot to her life like this.
Friends I fear as I see what awful things they can do, to any of us. To me.
Friends I feel more contemptful for as I’ve seen the mistakes they’ll keep making.
Family and care figures I rely on a lot less.
Allies who failed me.
Rika still loved her friends.
But they can’t help me. Not intentionally. Not all the time. If I called anyone, or woke Satoko up, and tried to get any of this off my chest, I’d have at least one person thinking that I either had an absurd nightmare or had suddenly snapped for no reason.
This drink was a pillar in her life, like a friend. She needed it so much, like a medicine. It was important to her, for handling her pain.
When I have a normal life back, if I ever have it back, perhaps this’ll end.
“What’s this?”.
Rika was momentarily startled. It was Satoko.
I thought that this wasn’t ever going to happen. I wasn’t certain that it could never happen, would never say that, but I’d stopped thinking I’d be in a moment like this. Now I am.
“You drink?”, Satoko said with amused curiosity.
Rika didn’t say anything. She was uncertain of what she could even say. She was well into preparing said drink, in a way that was impossible to deny. So she was frozen, calculating her options.
“Our St Lucian lady drinks? And that drink looks well prepared, well made”.
Satoko’s smile grew, still teasing.
What can I say? This is just her toying with me about an obvious fact.
She went with her only option, conceding. “Yes, I do”.
It’s not like she’s reacting poorly.
Satoko looked momentarily smug, but she then frowned. “Wait. Was it you who made the booze I get emptier, which I’d had to put down to misremembering how much I’d drunk? You stole from me?”.
Rika’a answer was just, “Eheheh”.
Satoko was unaffected. She'd clearly decided that she was done with being fun and casual about this. If anything, she seemed more stern as she said, “How much do you drink? How bad is it if you’re taking my stuff?”.
Rika was a bit tempted to try a Meep, a bit of cutesy distraction. But, that would be a disaster. Instead, she just told her. Roughly. It was a lot, for the condition that she was trying to hide it from everyone.
“I was thinking that you looked off”, Satoko said, still as serious.
“That’s mean”, Rika replied. She said that in a dry way, with a smirk. “That’s bullying, to say that to a young woman”.
“You probably should look worse. I guess your talent for hiding that sort of thing is better than I thought”.
Rika decided to take a chance. “Aww, thanks. Then this situation should be okay then. Yay!”.
“My my. How irresponsible”.
For a moment, Satoko made it feel like back then, her chiding Rika from the position as the one who cared more for their old home and who’d push her to do chores. “Really though, maybe you should say how much, exactly? You might be drinking too much, and the size of this problem is just growing in my mind. It was funny for a moment, but not much after that. So, you’d better have some bit of good news, or at least be completely honest with me about this.
“You’re saying this?”
“Like you have the right to act like you’re better”, Satoko retorted.
“True”, Rika. “But, anyway, don’t you hate it when I’m like those St Lucia girls? Don’t you hate me being prim and proper. Then this, being a drinker like this, should be better for you, right?”
“No, that’s stupid. Yeah, I hated it when you were like that. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to clap whenever you do anything that might be called unladylike, regardless of what it is”.
Rika chuckled, in a way that most would’ve not expected from her. Satoko sighed, then put up a wry smile.
Like a parent dealing with something while trying to be patient. I suppose I have made her feel like she’s doing that for me. Not like Keiichi, but I have let myself act up or had her be the responsible one between us.
“What’s up?”, Satoko asked. Stupidly.
Such a stupid question.
Rika put her glass down sharply. “You know why. You know better than anyone can, or ever will”.
Satoko was silent. Then…
“…..yeah. It’s better not to assume, but my guess is probably right”.
“Yes”.
She remembered, didn’t she? Of course she did. They both were living their normal lives. They’d reunited, after that separation.
That was inevitable. We might have needed to separate, but there’s no way I could live a life without Satoko.
But it was there, hanging over them. So she needed it, what she’d relied on in that endless June, as a human. She needed alcohol.
“You’re an alcoholic”, Satoko said, as a concerned statement, a declaration made like a doctor.
“Hmm. I’ve heard that before”, Rika said, letting herself sound sentimental. “Yes, she said it too, you know?”.
“Ah. I remember her too. From the fragments. She was right, and you, we, can’t exist like that. It’s not good to live like a looper, with that sort of attitude to life. You’re human”.
“And?”, Rika said sharply. “I have a lot worse problems than alcoholism”.
“Yes, indeed”
“You said that so quickly and easily”, Rika said sourly, and with a slight bit of surprise.
“It’s just a reality, and not just for you. There’s big sis Shion. I wish I could say that her only problem was her habit of trying to make sure I eat foods I hate”.
Rika laughed. “It does still annoy you a lot”.
“It’s so horrible. Shion can be such a mean big sister”.
“And she’s a mean little sister too, as Mion likes to point out”, Rika noted amusedly.
Satoko pouted. “Me and Mion should form the tormented sister club. We even have the same sister”.
Looking at Satoko frowning, Rika felt lighter, from this. It wasn’t the full effect that only the club together coukd deliver, but Satoko on her own could treat her state of mind.
“And there’s you”, Satoko declared.
“What?”, Rika said impassively.
“Look, I get the drinking. Out of all the issues we’ve had with each other, that I’ve had with you, that’s the hardest to complain about”.
“Huh. Meep”.
Well, I don’t have much to lose.
“Don’t do that”.
“It’s a nice noise to make”, Rika noted, partly sincerely. It was part of what people had expected from her, part of a routine, and also a move that helped her get out of trouble. But it was also a fun noise”.
“Sure” Satoko said dismissively. She was not accepting this at all.
“Seriously now. I get it. But….”. Satoko looked concerned and troubled. “That could kill you. If you’re drinking anything like you could’ve then, it’ll be really bad for your health”.
Rika grinned, trying to look assured and confident, defiant. “I’m not going to die this way”.
“Really, you are being irresponsible. One liners aren’t worth much for ordinary life problems”. Satoko seemed to be using her old attitude to help her stay restrained and cool headed.
“Perhaps. Maybe so”. Rika didn’t want to push at her, to make her really angry, though conceding at all wasn’t something she wanted to do. “Look, it’s not my worst problem for my health and life either, this alcoholism. You know that, better than anyone, and it might help me with those, Yeah?”.
“No. That’s not at all good. It’s a major problem. Neither of us should so be reckless with our lives. Even with what we were able to do, a single life isn’t that cheap. It shouldn’t be”.
Ah. That didn’t go well.
“I know, and I do want to keep enjoying this life”, Rika answered. “Yes, it’s not good that I’m like this. But it’s soothing”.
“It probably is”, Satoko gave her.
“Have you ever wanted to drink? Like this, how I do it, I mean?”.
“I have. But it seems dangerous. I saw you, how you were. I could see how looping and certain coping methods affect a person”.
“Oh. I’m your educational story?”. Rika chuckled. How stupid she surely looked.
“It’s not like that”, Satoko said hotly. “I don’t see you like that. It’s just, I doubted that I’ll not become a very hard drinker, for it to become a problem. So I’ll certainly not risk it”.
Rika shrugged. “You’re the one with a strong will. You’re not like me, aren’t you?”.
“Eh. I don’t think that matters”, Satoko said, pushing back in that way. “And, while I have had issues with you, what I said during that time wasn’t entirely fair. I was very angry with you, for how you’d acted about St Lucia. So I saw your time in those loops, your secrets, through that anger”.
“And?”. Rika pointedly took a gulp of her abandoned drink. “That’s nice of you, but it doesn’t change much.
“It means that I can understand this, understand you better, now”, Satoko stated. “You hid this for a reason. You knew it would concern me. I’m annoyed, yes, but I won’t be angry. Not too much. I’m unhappy with your behaviour, but this won’t irreparably break anything. So, now what? I know now”.
Rika’s shoulders slumped. “I don’t know. Yes, this is embarrassing, a problem. Yes, this changes things. I don’t think I want to change this habit. I don’t know if I can. I’m not you”.
“You have your own sort of strong will. It can be very annoying, but it’s there. Besides, suddenly changing is not what I want”.
“What do you want?”, Rika said, more feeling curious than anything.
“First...um...Okay. Don’t hide this from me again”, Satoko stated. “Let me know what’s happening. Don’t lie to me again. You can drink like this, but please let me see what you’re doing, know what you’re doing”.
Then there was silence, silence that stretched on.
“Is that it?”. Rika had expected something worse, harder, tougher.
“Look, I can’t decide on anything else. I don’t know what to do about this. It isn’t simple. I know it isn’t However….”.
Satoko took a moment to answer, a moment that seemed to drag to Rika.
“Yes. Please don’t lie. I don’t want us to slide back, after our efforts to recover”.
Rika saw Satoko’s pain. She felt it. “Yes. I should have told you sooner”.
“Yes. You should”.
Rika clutched her left arm. “My promises don’t mean much.
“You did that. But they do matter in spite of that”.
“Okay. So, here’s what I’ll ask”. Rika did her best to project her determination. “Can I drink around you? Openly. Actions speak louder than words, and all I can do is make my drinking be part of our lives. An open part. I want to know that you won’t find my habit unacceptable, in spite of what you think of such a habit”.
Satoko smiled. “Yes, that’s possible”.
“Oh?”.
“A request like this is surely a gamble. I won’t know how honest you’re being, and will have to accept that uncertainty. Throwing die is more your style. But, this time, I’ll accept that. I’ll accept that a gamble on what you’ll do is worth it. I do still love you. So, let’s see if you can prove yourself that way. Please do so, Rika”.
Rika wanted to make a promise, wished she could. But, it really didn’t mean much. So she’d show her. She vowed to show Satoko.
“Thank you”.
“Good”, Satoko said with a smile. She then chuckled. “Well, what a silly situation”.
“Not our silliest”.
“As adults?”
“Yes, as adults”.
Satoko frowned. She paused. “...Okay, maybe”.
“I could make a meal for you”.
“You have gotten a bit of skill, with time”, Satoko gave her, though she didn’t seem enthused about that. But she did then smile. “However, yes, I would like to spare myself from that job for once, so I’ll put myself in your care. Though, it might be less stressing if I did the cooking myself”.
“You can trust me”.
“I’m trying”. Satoko then narrowed her eyes. “Wait a moment. Do you drink while cooking?”.
“You’d notice, easily”. Rika then pouted, a bit offended. “And I don’t find making decent food that stressful”.
Satoko chuckled. “Sure, sure, Rika-sama. Please don’t be offended”.
“Should I give the job to you then, if you’re going to be like that?”
“Oh, no. I should get something back from you for your dishonesty. So, for tonight, I shall have the pleasure of being treated as a lady should be at least once in a while. Ohohoho!”
Rika sighed. This was embarrassing. Even if she did do well, this surely was going to embarrassing. Still, this had gone better than how she’d expected this to end up. Getting some teasing from Satoko was a fine price to pay for that.