Chapter Text
“Let’s go to the sea.” Karma said. Oh, I thought, he's breaking up with me.
That morning, I woke up in the same cold bed again. When I stretched out my arms, there was no familiar warmth next to me— just the cold sheets beneath me. The soft white sunlight filtered through the curtains, gently illuminating the room in a hazy glow. It was Sunday, 8 AM. As I rubbed my eyes and sat up slowly, I noticed the person I wished was beside me sprawled out on the floor, still in his suit, sound asleep.
Karma was always swamped with work nowadays, getting up early and coming home late. Even last night, despite it being Saturday, he didn’t come back to his room during daytime. He probably just crashed on the floor after I went to bed around midnight. We hardly meet outside anymore; now, if I want to see Karma, my only option was to make time on the weekends to visit his place.
Whenever I’d slipped into Karma’s bed alone, it would somehow feel strangely bigger and colder, despite it being a single. My body heat alone couldn’t warm it up, so I kept tossing and turning, tears would fall as I try to forget my loneliness and drift off to sleep. And when I finally woke up, this was the state of things: Karma knocked out on the floor and never sleeping on the bed with me.
If things had always been like this, I might have been able to let go more easily, but the fact that it hadn’t makes it so much harder to bear. Karma's job wasn’t as demanding before; he would come to my place and sleep next to me all the time. Now, all of that seems like a distant memory. I could only vaguely recall what that had been like, my sleepy mind struggling to piece together those memories.
I quietly slipped out of bed, carefully as not to wake Karma. I changed out of my pyjamas into regular clothes and tiptoed into the small kitchen. Since Karma stopped cooking for himself, the kitchen practically became lifeless. It was tidy, sure, but it felt empty, as if something essential was lost. I poured some rice on the rice cooker and heat the kettle on the stove, turning off the fire once it boiled. This was my routine. I didn’t want to disturb him while he was tired, so I always wrapped things up here and got ready to leave.
My eyes follow the steam slowly rising from the kettle’s mouth, thinking how this isn’t how things are supposed to be. We started dating after being friends for so long because we wanted to be together, but now it feels like we’re drifting apart more and more. The messages I sent him through the messaging app had devolved into brief, to-the-point texts, knowing he wouldn’t reply anyways. Even now, unread messages were piling up on his screen.
Our lives felt like they were constantly passing each other by. When was the last time we had sex? It was in my room, which means we haven’t been intimate at all since I started coming here. What does it even mean to be in a relationship? What kind of relationship do we even have now? Can this really be called being together?
A tear dropped into the sink with a soft plop. Maybe this is really it. I could hear the rice cooker starting to bubble, and when I looked, the kettle was boiling too. Once I turned off the gas, I’m leaving. I can’t stay here anymore.
Just then, I heard a noise from the room. I turned back, surprised to see Karma had woken up and changed into casual clothes.
“...Morning, Nagisa.”
“Karma…”
He wore a sleek black knit top over a grey shirt and fitted pants made of shiny material. Tall and stylish, Karma looks good in anything. It seems like ages since I've seen him in everyday clothes. I still think he looks really handsome, my heart fluttering as I watch him.
“Were you crying?”
“N-no, it’s nothing like that.”
“Well, Thanks for always cooking and boiling water for me.”
“Um… Yeah… I think I should head home now.”
“Wait, just a bit longer.”
“Sorry, I’m kind of in a hurry.”
Just then, Karma reached out with his long arm and attempted to grab my hand. I managed to slip away at the last second and turned toward the door. It was time to let go; we’ve reached the end point already. ‘Just a bit longer,’ what does that even mean? Waiting isn’t going to change anything.
“Wait!”
At that moment, as I stiffened from his sharp voice, he seized my wrist firmly. My body lurched as he pulled me back with force. When I looked up, Karma’s golden eyes were staring right at me.
“Let's go to the sea.”
“The sea?”
The sea, as in, the ocean?
“What for?”
“I want to check it out. Here, I’ll lend you my jacket.”
I felt something flutter and then Karma’s favourite black hoodie was draped over my shoulders. It was way too big and hung loosely on me. Once he put on his own jacket, he playfully pat my head.
“Let’s go.”
“Uh, wait—”
I struggled to get my arms into the oversized hoodie and slipped on my sneakers. Half bewildered, Karma pushed me from behind as we rushed out of the familiar one-room apartment, leaving it behind in a hurry.
We took the private railway from the nearest station and transferred at the terminal station. The train we boarded was a rapid service heading downwards, on a long line that stretched to a prefecture two stops ahead. Neither Karma nor I usually took this train for our daily commutes. I couldn’t help but wonder where he’s planning to take me. Without knowing anything and without asking anything myself, I followed after him.
Since its Sunday, many passengers were either with their family or friends. There were also a few suited salarymen scattered among the crowd. There’s some empty seats when we boarded, so we sat down next to each other. Karma’s hands remained stuffed in his pants pocket. He didn’t take my hand.
I had a nagging feeling that we were heading out to have a breakup. We were going all the way to the far-off sea just to say goodbye. So, this is really it for us. After we part ways, will I be left behind again? Just like back in middle school when we slowly drift apart before we knew it.
Back then, school was what connected us, but now things aren’t so simple. We're splitting up due to our busy lives, and with our separate homes and workplaces, there was nothing left to connect us. Even though I still love stealing glances of his exhausted profile, soon I wouldn’t even get to see that anymore.
Karma was quiet during the entire ride. The express train was speeding away from the city centre, transporting passengers farther away. The crowd thinned out at one stop, then grew at a transfer point before thinning out once more. I find myself staring absently as the view transforms from the city to the suburb. More greenery and tunnels appeared over time, and the colours outside the window shifted as we drifted further away. I couldn't help but wonder when we started drifting apart. We had grown distant amidst our busy, ever-changing lives, just as the scenery changed as we sat still on this train silently.
We'd probably been swaying for about an hour now. When the next stop’s announcement came on, Karma casually stood up.
“We’re getting off at the next stop.”
“…Okay.”
The name of this station was one I hardly recognize. I knew it existed, but since I had no reason to go, I wasn’t all that familiar with it. So, I had little expectations. If anything, I felt somewhat indifferent. Coming to a place like this, we had nothing left to—
As the train drew to a halt, I tightened my grip on the cuff of my hoodie. I stepped off the train behind Karma, my heart heavy. Suddenly, the air on the platform struck me unexpectedly. My senses—smell, hearing, and sight—came to life, revealing the magnificence that lay before me.
At that station, there was the ocean. Just below the platform, the vibrant blue Pacific stretched out before us. This sea, framed by a small apartment and a bamboo grove nearby, lay beyond several well-known beaches we had passed by on the train. The salty breeze filled the air, the sound of crashing waves wrapped around me, and the striking deep blue seared itself into my memory.
“Come on, Nagisa,”
I followed Karma as he started walking, making our way down the long platform and through the ticket gate to step outside the station. It seemed like this area was on a hill, as I could see the ocean below me while walking along the road.
“I had no idea… a place like this existed.”
“Be careful, it’s windy.”
“Yeah.”
With my arms crossed tightly over my chest to shield me from the cold, I followed closely behind Karma. We turned onto a narrow side street and then descended steeply down a straight slope pointing straight toward the sea. The sound of the waves grew louder, as if trying to fill the emptiness inside me. Crossing beneath the dim flyover of the bypass highway, we eventually landed at the base where everything converged into one final steep set of stairs. And just like that, we found ourselves right at the coastline.
“The station is over there. Just twenty meters above sea level,” Karma said.
“Is that so…”
Looking up in the direction he pointed, I noticed that the station was quite a bit higher up. The ocean stretched out before us, unperturbed, the powerful waves crashing and receding. The sand was mixed with pebbles of all sizes, and if I wasn’t careful, I felt like I could easily stumble. As we made our way awkwardly along the deserted beach, we probably looked like we were being drawn by the sea from afar.
“… Can you swim here?”
My voice was nearly drowned out by the roaring wind and the crashing waves. Once we reached the water's edge, we began to walk slowly along the gently curving coastline of the bay.
“No, it’s different here. The water gets deep pretty quickly, so it’s probably not the best spot for swimming. There aren’t many people around, but if you’re looking to enjoy the ocean, this is the place to go.”
I figured there was no one around because it was the off-season, but it seemed that was just how things are here. The only people I spotted were a couple of fishermen in the distance and a single local casually taking a stroll. Other than that, it was just the vast ocean, with the sounds of the waves and wind washing over me. Above us, seagulls cry out with a sound reminiscent of a cat.
“—Nagisa,”
Karma suddenly stopped in place; I instinctively did too. Under midday's pale blue sky overhead and the deep blue sea behind him, Karma appeared very serious.
“I have something important to tell you.”
“…Okay.”
The wind started to pick up. Both Karma's hair and mine were tossed around in the breeze, moving in all sorts of directions. It felt fitting; here, my tears can dry quickly. I was grateful we could walk side by side like this one last time. The sound of the waves soothed the loneliness that had been gnawing at my heart. It's funny how saying goodbye can feel surprisingly simple. But will I be sad when I think about this later? Will I be able to forget about it if I keep myself busy with work?
Karma slowly opened his mouth. Its fine, I’m ready. I braced myself.
“— Let’s get married, Nagisa.” He said.
However, I couldn't quite hear what Karma was saying at first. The crashing waves drowned his voice, scattering and reassembling in the water, and it wasn't until they washed up on the shore that they finally reached me.
Marriage? My head spun in confusion. Why? How? That word—wait, I don’t get it, we’re already here like this, and... and…
Thoughts surged through me like a tide. In the next moment, the words slipped out before I even realised it.
“…I can’t.”