Archive of Our Own

Red. Sticky, red liquid dripping from his mouth. Bent over his toilet in his small, one-bedroom apartment, Beomgyu didn’t know how it got like this. 

He couldn’t let anyone know. Especially Kai. If he knew, he would blame himself, and date Beomgyu out of pity for the rest of their lives, just to prevent his disease from ravaging his body for the rest of their natural lives. Beomgyu couldn’t do that to the boy. He wouldn’t, as long as he could. 

💙

It started as a tickle in his throat. Beomgyu thought it was just a touch of the flu going around. It was hard not to get sick as a college student with twenty credits on his schedule and a part-time job. 

It seemed to get worse whenever he was around Kai. He had barely seen the boy this semester, in between Kai’s sophomore year schedule and band, it was hard to find time to just sit down and talk. So, whenever he did, he sure as hell was not going to waste it. Most of the time they met on campus; the cafe, the library, wherever they could really. 

Beomgyu met Kai at a freshman orientation event. He was working at the school library at the time, and was tasked with accompanying the groups of new freshmen through the library with the tour guide. It wasn’t too exciting, but at least Soobin was working the same shift as him. Once he gazed at Kai through the crowd, as tall as a tree and a somewhat nervous energy surrounding his aura, Beomgyu felt a flicker of a flame light his heart. 

“And I suppose that concludes our campus tour! You guys have a little time before lunch, so you can keep exploring campus, go back to your dorms, or do whatever you want!” The tour guide energetically concluded, clapping her hands together with a manufactured smile. 

The freshman instantly dispersed, going off with their already-formed friend groups in different directions, all out of the library. Beomgyu sighed out softly, watching them go off with a small smile on his face. Thank god that was over. 

“Um…Beomgyu…hyung?” A voice called from behind him, nervous tone evident in his voice. The sophomore instantly flinched, turning around with a surprised expression on his face. 

“A––ah. Um…Kai, right?” The freshman stood slightly above Beomgyu, nodding softly in response. 

“Y––yes. I just wanted to say…I think I’ll be in here a lot as a biology major…so I look forward to seeing you.” Kai nervously ranted, rubbing the back of his neck. 

“Oh, yeah! Um…I don’t know much about biology, but I know where to find all the materials if you need help with it! Um…this may be a little forward…” Beomgyu nervously rubbed his neck, blush coating his cheeks, “but, do you want to exchange numbers? I’m in a science elective this semester, and I feel like I’d really be able to pull through if I talked to you about it. I––I understand if you say no, though.” 

“Uh, totally! I’d love that, Beomgyu-hyung.” Kai nodded, sparkle entering his eye as he smiled softly. 

Beomgyu smiled, pulling his phone out of his pocket. 

And the rest from there is history. It wasn’t long till Beomgyu introduced Kai to Soobin and Yeonjun, his two best friends from his freshman year. In turn, Kai introduced their friend group to Taehyun, his roommate for his freshman year and easily one of the coolest freshmen out there. And so they had formed their little friend group; sharing late night-movie nights at Yeonjun’s and Soobin’s off campus apartment, fighting over where to eat dinner, getting into late-night shenanigans around campus, and supporting each other and encouraging each other when they talked about the stress of their majors, holding each others hands when Kai ultimately made the decision to change his major from biology to music education. The boy had been burnt out for quite some time with his classes––the only reason he was a biology major in the first place was because of his parents’ influence; but after endless encouragement from his best friends, he found the confidence to switch. 

And then, Beomgyu felt strange. Suddenly, he couldn’t look Kai in the eye anymore without his cheeks heating and his heart tumbling around his chest. He couldn’t make sense of it, so he did the next best thing he could think of: avoid Kai wherever and however he could. Making excuses like I have too much homework tonight T-T sorry Kai or I would love to but I’m super tired from work today…I’m gonna go to bed early became commonplace for Beomgyu. The others thought it was strange––Beomgyu would never pass up a good time, especially if they were offering. They didn’t think much of it for the first week or so. But then, it escalated. By this point, Beomgyu had moved out of the dormitories and into his own solo apartment. It was small, but it was something. When the others suggested going out together in the group chat, Beomgyu would simply read their messages, not finding the energy to reply. It was nearing the end of the spring semester, and the boys had seen Beomgyu twice in the past five months. 

It all came to a head when his four best friends burst through Beomgyu’s door, bags in hand and determined expressions on all of their faces. Beomgyu stumbled back from the door’s threshold as they barged in, setting their bags down and facing Beomgyu. 

“G––guys? W––what are you doing here? What’s going on?” Beomgyu faced all four of his best friends, eyes flickering over Kai for a second before he faced Yeonjun. 

“Why don’t you tell me, Beomgyu? You never talk to us anymore, we’ve seen you twice in the past five months, and you don’t reply to our texts.” Yeonjun crossed his arms, leaning against Beomgyu’s dining table. 

“I––I told you guys. I’m super busy this semester. I have twenty credits for classes, and my part-time job.”  Beomgyu spluttered, blinking his gaze in between the four other boys somewhat panickedly. 

“That doesn’t give you an excuse to ignore us, Beomgyu-hyung.” Taehyun rationalized, crossing his arms over his chest concernedly. Beomgyu flinched silently, biting his lip as his eyes burned with unshed tears. Soobin walked up to him slowly, laying his hands on Beomgyu’s shoulder with an understanding expression on his face. 

“We get it, Beomgyu. Life is tough. We all know how hard you work. But…friends are supposed to help you overcome those challenges. Give you comfort when you need it. You’re not alone, Beomgyu. You can ask for help.” Soobin nodded softly, a small smile on his face. Beomgyu stared at Soobin for a moment, before his eyes flickered over to Kai, lungs suddenly choked with emotion. He hung his head, coughing slightly, before sniffling softly. 

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I just…I’ve been so stressed. Tired. I didn’t want to worry you guys, so I ignored you. I’m sorry.” Beomgyu’s voice came out small, raw with emotion. Kai walked up to the duo silently, grabbing Beomgyu’s hand and fiddling with his fingers. Beomgyu looked toward Kai silently, blush coating his cheeks. 

“We’re not going to stop worrying about you, hyung. But…we want to be there for you. We want you to lean on us when you need it.” Kai smiled tenderly, genuine glint in his eye. Beomgyu stared at him for a moment, before hugging him suddenly, burying his head into Kai’s chest. The younger instantly hugged him back, wide smile on his face. The others soon joined, warmth spreading through each of their bodies. That night, they all squeezed onto Beomgyu’s small couch, watching a movie with blankets covering their bodies as they basked in each other's warmth. Beomgyu fell asleep on Kai’s shoulder, the boy smiling and tucking himself into the older boy’s body. 

That had been about four months ago. Beomgyu stayed in Seoul for summer break, working at his part-time job while the others traveled and went home for the summer. They still met up whenever time allowed them to––even if it was for a couple of hours, any time spent in each other's company was appreciated. He worked hard during the summer though, which allowed him to save enough money to move into a slightly bigger apartment than his last, which was also closer to his job. And then the new semester started. Beomgyu still had twenty credits on his schedule, but his classes were more major-intensive as he was a junior. Soobin and Yeonjun were now seniors––really just finishing their senior practicum classes, which meant most of the time they were just looking for and applying to jobs. 

Kai seemed to be greatly enjoying his new major––music was always an outlet for him, ever since he was a child, so to be pursuing it further in college was his dream. He even joined their campus’ band, immediately becoming the lead singer and guitarist as the old one had graduated last semester. Seeing Kai up on stage during gigs or school festivals––Beomgyu was so proud of the boy. His admiration for him swelled in his chest each time the boy animatedly talked about performing. And when he would personally perform for Beomgyu at the latter’s apartment after the others left or fell asleep––Beomgyu would simply let himself bask in the boy’s presence, soft smile on his face and warm settling in his chest. 

And that’s when Beomgyu realized. He was in love with Kai. It seemed like a natural progression after everything they went through. No wonder Beomgyu felt so sick with laziness during the summer whenever he was away from his friends. It was Kai. It was always Kai giving him the strength. 

But there was no way the boy could feel the same. Beomgyu saw the way he looked at the drumist in his band during their shows––there was no way that was just a gaze of simple friendship. There’s no way he could know. If he did, he was sure the younger man would be disgusted. Who falls in love with their best friend of a year and a half? Beomgyu did, apparently. 

He couldn’t deal well with it. So, what would be the natural solution? Shove it down until he felt nothing else. Beomgyu was good at pushing things down. He’d done it countless times before, this time would be no different. 

Except, he couldn’t. Not this time. Whenever he did see the boy, the urge to rub his cheeks grew with each pout he wore. The urge to kiss his plump lips drove Beomgyu crazy. Beomgyu’s sure Kai would someday be the death of him, as long as he couldn’t help falling deeper in love with him as he gazed at the boy’s features. 

And then the coughing started. At first, it was normal, a light tickle of the throat. Beomgyu was getting more easily tired at his job these days, and his classes definitely weren’t helping. The tickle seemed to increase whenever he called Kai, or even so much as thought of the man. 

It wasn’t long until Beomgyu was coughing deeply from the back of his throat. He felt the urge to bend over his toilet, just in case, but nothing ever came out. Just as the ache to be comforted by Kai filled his chest one week into this venture, his lungs suddenly bloomed with a suffocating feeling. He curled over his toilet, cough burning his throat as tears fell from his eyes. He shook as a burning liquid filled his throat, finally relaxing as he finally expelled the liquid. He breathed heavily, pushing himself off of the toilet seat as he gazed into the toilet. He instantly froze, tears swelling in his eyes as he gazed into the toilet. 

Red. A mixture of crimson red blood and marigold petals stood in his toilet. He instantly tensed, lifting his hand to his mouth as he gazed at his toilet in horror. He flinched back, realizing blood now coated his hand, shaking steadily as he whimpered. He crawled back shakily, back hitting the wall of his bathroom as tears poured from his eyes. Oh god. Oh god no. Please, god, no. 

Beomgyu had heard the horror stories of Hanahaki. How each flower was different for every person who experienced it. How it started as a tickle but then grew into steady coughs and eventually the bloody conclusion. It wasn’t common, only about one percent of the world suffered through it. Of course Beomgyu had to be part of that one percent.  

Through his panic, he didn’t realize Soobin and Yeonjun walked through his door, tteokbokki and sundae in hand for their monthly movie night. Taehyun and Kai couldn’t make it this time, but maybe that was for the best. Beomgyu couldn’t bear to let his younger brothers learn of his new condition.

“Beomgyu! Ready for movie night?” Yeonjun smiled, setting his bags on the kitchen table and looking for his younger brother. Beomgyu flinched, whimpering as he gazed at the marigold petals now adorning his shirt and the blood on his hand. 

“Beom? You in the bathroom?” Soobin pushed the door open, ever so slightly before gaze fell to the younger boy on the floor. Beomgyu whimpered softly, more tears immediately adorning his eyes as Soobin gazed at the toilet. The older looked back at the younger man, falling to his side and immediately hugging him. “Oh, Beom…” he whispered, tears swelling in his eyes as Beomgyu clutched onto his arm softly. Beomgyu cried loudly, blood dripping from his mouth as Yeonjun walked in concernedly. The oldest of the group immediately connected the dots upon gazing at Beomgyu’s toilet, then at the boy. 

“Oh, Gyu…I’m so sorry.” Yeonjun whispered, immediately wrapping around Beomgyu and hugging him tightly. 

There, they comforted each other on the floor of Beomgyu’s bathroom, holding onto each other tightly. 

“Please…don’t tell Kai.” Beomgyu whispered, drops of blood falling onto his shirt. 

💙

It only escalated after that first day. Yeonjun and Soobin tried to help––they really did , but Beomgyu insisted it was his problem to deal with. 

When Taehyun eventually found out, he cried as the older man comforted him.

“And then Kai was like––” Taehyun laughed, completely unaware of Beomgyu’s worsening condition.

“T––Taehyun…stop…please.” Beomgyu coughed in between his words, covering his mouth with his hand. He looked at his hand silently, marigold petals and splatters of blood now coating it. Taehyun silently flinched, eyes going wide as he gazed at Beomgyu confusedly. 

“H––hyung…what’s going on? You’re bleeding.” Taehyun grabbed the older boy’s hand, concerned expression on his face. 

“P––please. Don’t…talk about…Kai. Not around me.” Blood dripped from his mouth, the man wiping it across his lips. 

“Hyung…” Taehyun shook his head confusedly, grip on Beomgyu’s hand tightening ever so slightly.

“Please, Taehyun. Don’t tell him. He can’t know. I––I can’t break his heart. I won’t.” 

“B––but hyung, you’re suffering . Kai would never want this for you, he’d find some way to––”

“I know. I know he would. Even if it meant falling in love with me out of pity. I can’t shackle him down to a relationship he would never want out of guilt for my condition. I won’t.” Beomgyu smiled, blood starting to dry on his lips as he leaned his hand against Taehyun’s cheek. “So listen to me carefully. When you see Kai again, you’re not going to tell him about this. Yeonjun-hyung and Soobin-hyung already know, but I won’t drag Kai into this. No matter what. If Kai asks you about me, just say I took on more hours at work, and that it’s hard to see everyone right now.” Beomgyu whispered as if his lungs weren’t already seizing under the weight of Kai’s name; as if it would make it all easier to bear. 

Taehyun leaned into Beomgyu’s touch carefully, before hesitantly nodding in response, tears falling from his eyes. “I understand, Beomgyu-hyung.” Beomgyu smiled silently. “Thanks, Taehyunie.” 

If Beomgyu could, he avoided Kai. It got easier over time. The guilt, that is. As for his condition, it spread like a wildfire. By the end of the first week, he couldn’t so much as text Kai without wheezing out marigold petals with droplets of blood. It was hard to adjust. Beomgyu was sure he had lost at least half a liter of blood by the end of the first week. It wasn’t long until Beomgyu was skipping his classes in favor of getting treatment at the local clinic for his anemia. 

There was no known cure for Hanahaki Disease. The only way to end it was if the beloved returned the victims’ feelings. Kai was a nice man. A good man. If he knew Beomgyu was suffering because of him, he would immediately confess and end this whole affair in a simple afternoon. That’s why Kai could never know. Even if Beomgyu did plan on confessing, which he didn’t, his condition complicated things. 

The worst part for Beomgyu to grapple with was the meaning of it all. With each victim, the petals they spewed came with different meanings for their fate. White roses symbolize innocence; forget me nots symbolize true love; pink camellias symbolize longing. Now what, you may ask, did marigolds symbolize? Purity, divinity, or maybe more fittingly, the connection between life and death . Now why , you may ask, is that so fitting? Simple. The connection between Beomgyu’s life and the eventual death of his love. Or even, the connection between Beomgyu’s life and eventual death at the hands of Hanahaki. 

It was hard to get used to it. Whenever the others were around, it was glaringly obvious how his condition affected them. They were cautious to bring up you-know-who. Beomgyu quickly caught on. He wasn’t an idiot . They tiptoed, and never mentioned Kai by name, which still made Beomgyu think of him, which only made him more frustrated with them more than anything. Even though he asked them to not talk about Kai in front of him, either for fear of the Hanahaki ravaging his insides or for the ache filling his chest each time the man’s name was muttered, Beomgyu still thought of him. And by now, the simplest thought of Kai produced at least a couple of marigold petals. 

It was hard for Beomgyu to not think about Kai. Whenever he wasn’t occupied with a task, his mind would naturally drift to Kai. He wondered how the younger man was doing. He wondered if Kai grew to hate Beomgyu since he suddenly stopped talking to him. He’s sure Kai would after this. Maybe he’d resent Beomgyu for the rest of his life––and that was fine, because Beomgyu deserved that. Kai would eventually forget about him, and Beomgyu would live with his life-ending love for Kai for a couple more months before ultimately dying from his condition with no cure.

At least it got easier to manage after the first two weeks. Sure, Beomgyu didn’t eat much anymore, or do anything outside of school and work, but he was too tired to care anyway. 

💙

Before he knew it, it was nearing the end of the semester. He had been living in this limbo of his own creation for four months by now. Beomgyu was surprised he hadn’t croaked by now. But, maybe it was fate that kept him alive. Maybe it was retribution for ignoring Kai. Maybe it was one last way of cursing Beomgyu before he left this world. Either way, Beomgyu was in pain every day and living in agony . 

And then, somehow, Soobin roped him into helping the book club’s stall at the club fair. If you asked Beomgyu how, or even why he agreed to it, he couldn’t tell you. But, he couldn’t back out now, even if he could barely stand without dizzying. It had been about a week since his last blood transfusion, and while he would love to not feel dizzy every time he stood, the clinic had sucked out the last of his savings, so any money he got nowadays was used for necessities like food (despite the fact that he didn’t feel like eating much anymore).

The event was pretty straightforward: attract freshmen who seemed even remotely interested in the book club and have them at least scan the qr code to join the group chat, as Soobin put it. It was simple enough. Beomgyu would be there a couple of hours before he went back to work and eventually home to suffer some more. 

But then, it wasn’t so simple. When he first gazed at Kai’s band setting their stall up across from the book club’s, he got a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. He gagged for a minute, blood pooling in his mouth as he shakily stood up from the stall. 

“Beomgyu…I had no idea––you have to believe me––I––” Soobin choked out, panicked tone in his voice.

“I’ll be…right back…Soobin-hyung––” Beomgyu choked back, holding his hand over his mouth as he quickly walked off. 

Little did he notice how Kai worriedly followed after him, ache filling his chest as it was the first time he gazed at his hyung in four months. 

“Beomgyu-hyung! Wait! I want to talk to you!” Kai speed walked after the man, reaching his arm out as the older man paced away faster from him. He turned his head, eyes widening as he turned back around and choked back another wave of blood in his mouth. 

“K––Kai? What…don’t…follow me!” Beomgyu coughed in between his words, tears swelling in his eyes as he walked into the library, devoid of any life. Kai continued following after him, paying no mind to the man’s words and instead speeding up his pace to catch up to Beomgyu’s. 

“Beomgyu-hyung, just wait! Listen to me! I just want to talk!” Kai pleaded, eyes swelling with tears as he came into Beomgyu’s proximity. He soon grabbed the man’s wrist, eyes lighting with determination as he swung Beomgyu around to face him. Kai flinched back in horror, tears instantly falling from his eyes as he gazed at the older’s state. Beomgyu silently held his head as he spat out a single marigold petal, blood coating his hand and lips. 

“I––I’m sorry. Y––you were never…supposed to…see me…like this.” Beomgyu coughed deeply into his hand, blood searing in his mouth. He was starting to get dizzy, and black dots swarmed his vision, but as long as he got away from Kai he’s sure he’d be fine. He breathed heavily, starting to lose his balance. 

“H––hyung….I don’t…” Kai shook his head, leaning forward as Beomgyu stumbled back and forth silently. He wrapped his arms around Beomgyu as the man fell forward silently, “I’m…sorry…” he whispered, Kai sliding to the floor silently as tears fell from his eyes. 

“Hyung! Beomgyu…hyung…”  Kai cried, nails clawing into Beomgyu’s back unconsciously as they both fell to the ground.

🩵

Beomgyu didn’t immediately wake up after being transported to the hospital. Kai cried the whole time. When the others came later that day, Kai still hadn’t stopped crying. 

“Kai…” Taehyun whispered, leaning his hand on Kai’s shoulder. 

“Why didn’t he tell me? I––” Kai croaked out, confusion evident in his expression. 

“Believe me, Kai. He wanted to tell you so bad. He wanted to tell you since the first day.” Taehyun crouched beside his best friend, hand gripping his shoulder tightly. 

“But––I––wait. How did…you know?” Kai shook his head, looking at Taehyun confusedly. Taehyun bit his lip silently, looking at Kai seriously for a moment. 

“I…I’m sorry. He begged me not to tell you. He said he didn’t want you to love him out of pity. I tried to convince him to talk to you––I really did!” Taehyun teared up as he pleaded with Kai. 

“So…you’re telling me…all this time…”

“He loves you, Kai. He always has.” Soobin closed the door behind him, tender expression on his face. 

“He begged us all not to tell you.” Yeonjun crossed his arms, serious expression on his face. 

Kai shook his head silently, face twisting in pain as tears fell from his eyes. 

“It’s true. I’m sorry, Kai.” Beomgyu garbled out, Kai flinching back and turning around to Beomgyu with wide eyes. Beomgyu adjusted himself on his bed silently, sitting up before turning to the others silently. “Can you leave us for a moment?” 

The others hesitantly nodded, silently leaving the room with considerate expressions on each of their faces. Beomgyu grabbed a couple of tissues from the box next to his bedside, wiping his lips before spitting some extra blood droplets onto the tissue. Kai sat next to him silently, eyes red as a grimace spread across his face. 

“I’m sure you must be mad. Maybe disappointed.” Beomgyu’s gaze fell to his lap, chest bubbling and filling with despair. 

“Mad? Ah…yeah. I am mad. Not that you ignored me for four months straight, though. I’m mad because of how idiotic you are, hyung.” Kai held his head, tone hardened and bitter. 

Yeah. Beomgyu deserved that. He was nothing but an idiot in love with his younger brother. An idiot that Kai would never forgive. 

“I deserve that. Yeah…I am an idiot. I’m just an idiot who will never get what he wants.” Beomgyu smiled bitterly, hand clutching the blanket as he coughed lightly. Suddenly, his chest was filling up once again, throat choked with marigolds and blood and the overwhelming need to look Kai in the eye and beg him to love him. “But…it’s fine. Because you’re gonna meet someone great, someone you truly love, someone who brightens your days and makes everything so much better whenever they’re around. Someone you deserve, and someone who deserves you back. Because you’re a lovely person, Kai. You’re a lovely, amazing, beautiful, human being who deserves every piece of happiness he feels.”

Beomgyu doesn’t realize there’s tears brimming in his eyes until Kai lifts Beomgyu’s chin to face him. The younger is holding tears in his eyes as well, and suddenly Beomgyu can’t take it all, so he blinks his gaze away as the tears brimming in his eyes fall to his cheeks. 

“Hyung, look at me.” Kai pleads, pushing Beomgyu’s face closer, ever so gently, just like how he always touches Beomgyu. The older hesitantly meets his eyes, grief burdening his shoulders as he stares at Kai’s red eyes. Kai stares at him seriously for a minute, before softening, whispering, “you are that person for me, hyung.” And suddenly, Beomgyu’s chest clears of marigolds, and blood, and its ache as Beomgyu’s eyes widen confusedly. 

“You don’t need to lie to me, Kai. Seriously. You don’t need to––” Beomgyu shook his head, confusion instantly squashed with the thought that Kai could never love him romantically .

“No, hyung. You’re not listening to me. You’re that person for me…because I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you since I met you in the library, hyung.” Kai shook his head, laying both of his hands on Beomgyu’s cheeks, grounding his nerves as Kai’s hands and cheeks warmed. Tears swelled in Beomgyu’s eyes as his cheeks heated, blush coating his cheeks.

“R––really? You’re not just…” Beomgyu shook his head, confused expression evident on his face.

“I’m not joking. Or lying. My heart has ached for you since I met you.” Kai whispered, gaze blinking down to Beomgyu’s lips, dried blood still coating them. Kai absentmindedly brushed his thumb over Beomgyu’s lips, eyebrows silently furrowing together. Beomgyu’s gaze flickered to Kai’s lips for a moment as well, sighing softly as his gaze met Kai’s once more. 

They both stood silently for a moment, tears in both of their eyes as Kai softly rubbed his thumb against Beomgyu’s cheeks. 

And then, all at once, their passion poured out from their hearts and onto their lips, Kai leaning forward and shoving his lips onto Beomgyu. Beomgyu’s lips immediately met Kai’s back, the man laying both of his hands on Kai’s cheeks as he breathed out passionately, closing his eyes as he automatically wrapped his arm around Kai’s waist. 

“Oh…hyung. I love you. So much. More than you could ever know.” Kai breathed out as he kissed Beomgyu softly, warmth coating his mouth. Beomgyu smiled softly, skin buzzing as Kai’s arms wrapped around his waist. 

“I love you too. Forever. Now, kiss me more.” Beomgyu smiled, tension finally releasing from his body. 

Fin