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“Till? Is that you?”
Till whipped around instantaneously, searching for the source of the voice he’d thought he’d never hear again. Not ever since the final stage they shared during that rainy day, multiple feet above ground.
Not ever since that man grabbed him by his neck and kissed him so tenderly, turning his whole world upside down, inside out.
There, clad in the pristine white clothes he died in, stood Ivan.
Ivan, the child who’d pestered him throughout their time in Anakt Garden. Ivan, the teen who’d stolen his pencils and hid them elsewhere. Ivan, the man who sacrificed his own life for him.
“It is you,” Ivan whispered as he stepped closer and closer until they were only a foot apart.
He shakily reached out his hand to caress Till’s cheek, only to suddenly stop before dropping his hand altogether.
Till, on the other hand, could only stare in numbed shock.
His heart was beating wildly while his thoughts raced through his mind. Flashes of the stage, their childhood, the meteor shower, struggled to surface while his eyes remained fixed on the man before him.
He didn’t know what he felt.
Was it relief at seeing Ivan alive and breathing again? Was it anger at making the stupid, stupid decision of sacrificing his own life for someone like him? Was it hatred for subjecting him to the pain he felt after the sacrifice?
Or was it love, for feeling all of those things at the same time?
“Ivan,” He breathed out, taking one step closer.
Till could see the pained look in his eyes as he silently stared at him, black eyes swirling with grief and regret.
(Had they run away all those years ago, would his eyes ever hold such pain?)
He reached out to touch Ivan’s face, exhaling heavily when it felt solid to his touch. He stared at where his fingers made contact with Ivan’s cheeks.
Ivan was there. He was real .
“Till.”
At that, he snapped out of his reverie and immediately retracted his hand.
The bitter smile on Ivan’s face didn’t go unnoticed.
“What are you doing here so soon?” He asked, black eyes boring into Till’s.
Till could only reciprocate with a bitter smile of his own.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to end up here either,” He replied.
It wasn’t exactly the truth. After Ivan’s death, he didn’t particularly care whether he lived or died.
He was trapped in the dark abyss with no way out. Surrounded by grief, accompanied by misery. It was a never-ending hell where guilt suffocated him, taunting him as he struggled to breathe.
All of his past mistakes, his transgressions played on repeat, over and over and over again. Scenes of a red sky, of falling stars, of hopeful black eyes turning into helpless ones, as they gazed into his one final time.
He had no desire to fight and live, up until his eyes spotted hers in the sea of monsters.
His reason for living, his shining beacon of light in the cold, dark world he lived in, standing a grasp away only for it to be coldly ripped away from him at the very last second.
It was in that moment, as his unseeing eyes searched for hers, did he really, truly want to live.
But none of that mattered. Not anymore.
“So, what is this place? The afterlife? Heaven? Hell?” Till asked, in an awkward attempt to soothe the tension.
Ivan sighed, knowing that it was nothing more than a desperate attempt for a topic change.
“The In-Between. It’s where souls stay before they get reincarnated,” He explained, smiling slightly.
“When you wish to move on to your next life, you can simply walk through that door over there. All of your memories from this life will be wiped out and you’ll start anew,” He said as he pointed to the shining white door at the opposite side of the field.
Till nodded as he contemplated Ivan’s words, briefly wondering how he’d failed to notice the door before this. It wasn’t exactly inconspicuous.
“That’s… nice,” He finished lamely, about to drop the topic when he suddenly thought of something.
“Why haven’t you gone through the door?”
Ivan didn’t seem like the type to linger in the past, based on what Till knew of him. He liked to charge forward and do whatever the hell it was that he felt like doing without any regard for consequences. It wasn’t his style to be idle. To stay and lag behind.
The man in question merely smiled.
“I wanted to catch a glimpse of you for the last time.”
Till’s heart lurched in his chest in a way that was similar to how it did when Ivan kissed him, sudden and intense.
It took everything in him to will his heart to calm down, but to no avail. He could feel his blood rush to his face, reddening his cheeks.
It felt different to when his heart soared every time he caught a glimpse of Mizi.
Mizi was someone who he’d always admired from afar. Her persevering innocence despite the cruel world they lived in constantly awed him. He wanted to be like her, to remain hopeful and optimistic in trying times.
In a way, she was his idol. An unattainable star who was only meant to be admired from afar. It was only natural that he’d harboured positive feelings for her.
Ivan, on the other hand…
Instead of feeling giddy, he… couldn’t quite figure out what it was that he was feeling.
Something along the lines of happiness, tinged with… grief? Regret and something that strangely felt like… longing.
It didn’t make any sense. Why was he feeling such a complicated mix of emotions for the man he grew up with?
Ivan had always annoyed him with his childish antics, but he was also always there to comfort him when he’d been beaten black and blue. He’d always anger Till by stealing his art supplies, but he was also the one who gifted him a xylophone for his birthday.
Ivan was someone he hated, someone he cared for, someone he was annoyed with, someone he was worried about.
Ivan was ther e for almost every milestone in his life. Ivan, in a way, was a part of him.
“Why?” Was all that Till managed to get out, as his emotions threatened to get the best of him.
Ivan smiled, piercing Till’s heart in the process.
“Just because.”
Till could only scoff, feeling his heart drop at the casual answer.
(Did he expect anything? Why did he feel so… disappointed?)
“If it’s only to annoy me further, you better get on moving to your next life,” He replied bitterly, ignoring the amused raise of an eyebrow.
“Will you be staying here for a while?” Ivan asked nonchalantly in lieu of a reply, but the slight mischief in his voice was obvious.
“Maybe,” He answered noncommittally, but it was apparent to the both of them that he’d be hanging around a while longer.
(Just a little while, so that he could spend some more time with his childhood friend before they parted ways.)
Although he had a nagging suspicion as to why that was so, he firmly ignored it for the time being.
-
“Did you know that there were cameras hidden in those red flowers you used to love?” Ivan asked conversationally from beside him.
They were both sprawled out on the field, staring up at the light blue sky that greeted them. The gentle breeze caressed their skin, while the scent of flowers filled the air.
Till paused to think, before turning his head to look at Ivan.
“Was that why you destroyed them?” He countered, causing Ivan to shrug his shoulders.
He was briefly taken back to a time when they were still children, playing in the utopia which was Anakt Garden.
Till had always been intrigued by the flowers, the only other living thing there apart from them, but that was only because he was fascinated by the red petals surrounding the black center.
He’d always found it beautiful in its familiarity, though at that time, he couldn’t quite place it. Now, as he stared into his friend’s black eyes with red specks in them, the puzzle pieces finally fit together.
“Never mind,” Till said hurriedly as he looked away and back up at the blue sky.
The silence that enveloped them was comfortable, despite the sudden lull in the conversation. For the first time in a really long time, Till felt something akin to peace.
He was content on spending his day just looking at the clear blue sky and letting his thoughts roam free.
With Ivan, minus the times where they were at each other’s throats for God knows what, he’d always felt… comfortable. Safe.
Like the soft hands that opened his collar, the gentle movements that nuzzled his cheek, the warm palms that cupped his face.
Just as Till was about to doze off, Ivan turned to look at him.
“Honestly, I didn’t find out until much later,” He replied, causing Till to sleepily turn his head towards him.
“You did that just to be an annoying brat?” Till asked sleepily, albeit a bit amused.
At that, Ivan let out a low chuckle.
(Till’s heart clenched at the sound that last made an appearance decades ago.)
“I did that, just so you would look at me,” He answered casually, as if he didn’t just challenge Till’s whole world view with those words.
The sleepy feeling that enveloped him just a few seconds prior immediately evaporated as Till sat up, looking at Ivan who was still lazily sprawled out.
“Why?” He asked, heart beating in his chest as he anticipated his answer.
Ivan stared at Till, eyes searching his face for answers.
It seemed as if he didn’t find what he was looking for, judging by the subsequent sigh he let out a few seconds afterwards.
Instead, Ivan smiled.
“Just because.”
-
Sometimes, Till would spend his time away from Ivan.
Although a part of him was screaming at the thought of being away from him, afraid that he would just up and disappear without a trace (or smile and give up his life without saying goodbye), Till knew that he needed some space.
Lately, hanging out with Ivan was confusing.
There was something that was threatening to make itself known, every time the other laughed. Something that was begging to be heard, when Ivan looked his way.
It was… weird.
He’d always felt some sort of emotion for his friend, one that he couldn’t quite place. One that he didn’t have time to figure out when he was still alive, busy trying to survive for one more day.
One that was practically screaming at him when he gazed at Ivan’s lifeless body, his blood seeping into his pants as he listlessly sat by his side.
It was similar but different to what he felt for Mizi. Something about it felt more… authentic , closer to his heart.
If Mizi was a bright, dazzling star, destined to be admired from far away, Ivan was…
Well, he was… Ivan .
He couldn’t be explained by a concept or a metaphor because it wouldn’t be enough to encapsulate his whole being. There were multiple sides to Ivan that he’d witnessed over the years and mere words weren’t enough to capture him as a person.
Ivan was Ivan.
Annoying, stupid, brave, cowardly, kind, selfish, arrogant, humble, caring, observant, selfless, broken.
A walking contradiction, an irony within an irony.
A complex person with confusing thoughts, motives, actions which made him feel… real.
Ivan was someone he could be his true self with, all quips and jabs without putting on a facade.
Ivan was someone he was most vulnerable with, letting him see him at his worst with all his walls torn down.
Ivan was someone he could unwind with, letting him take up his personal space and cling to him as Ivan quietly observed what he was doing, be it drawing or writing or composing.
If Mizi was his idol, Ivan was his home.
As Till walked along the beach that manifested in the In-Between, he finally let his mind contemplate that feeling he’d harboured for his friend.
In a place where he was free from the horrors of living, in a place where he didn’t have to worry about surviving the next day, in a place where he could live freely without a care in the world, Till let himself feel .
The way his heart fluttered at the sight of Mizi’s smile, the way his heart clenched when he heard Ivan’s laugh.
The way his palms were sweaty when she was right in front of him, the way he breathed a sigh of relief when Ivan stood next to him.
The way he blushed furiously at Mizi’s compliment, the way he’d beamed proudly at Ivan’s nod of approval.
He came to a realisation. One that crept up on him ever since that day they watched the meteor shower, one that slowly choked him when her disappearance was known, one that consumed him whole when he was left staring unseeingly at his cold, bloodied body.
(If Till loved Mizi, he was in love with Ivan.)
-
“How much longer do you want to stay?” Till asked curiously.
He leaned forward in his chair, body draped over the table in his quest to wrangle out an answer from the man in front of him.
Ivan hummed, causing the familiar feeling in his heart to make itself known.
“As long as you want me to,” He replied smugly, the corner of his lips tilting up in a smirk.
It took everything Till had to fight the sudden urge to lean in just a bit more and kiss him senseless.
(It was ridiculous, really. He’d been in love with the man for as long as he could remember, but the sudden realisation of it all had his patience running thin.
Maybe it was better for all of them if he hadn’t realised his feelings instead. He wouldn’t have the uncontrollable urge to smother his friend in affection and Ivan wouldn’t have to be subjected to his less than pure thoughts.)
As Till was busy trying to reign himself in, he didn’t quite register Ivan’s prolonged silence as he contemplated the man before him.
Had he noticed the way Ivan was looking at him, he’d definitely regret feeling even an ounce of sympathy for “harassing” him with his thoughts, but that was neither here nor there.
“Till,” Ivan said after a while, causing him to snap out of his reverie and look at Ivan.
“What?” He asked grumpily, steadily ignoring the rising blush on his cheeks.
“I mean it. If there comes a time when you’d want me to leave, just tell me. Don’t hold back,” He said earnestly, causing Till to frown in confusion.
“Okay? I mean, I don’t see the reason for it. Wouldn’t we be leaving together?” He asked, causing Ivan to smile bitterly.
“You know, when Mizi comes and you two might want some alone time together before moving on to your next lives…” He explained, though it did nothing but cause the frown on Till’s face to deepen.
“Sure, it’d be nice to see her again before we leave, but why would we leave you out? We grew up together, didn’t we? Heck, we should rope Sua in when time comes. I know she’s here somewhere ,” Till muttered, missing the fond look on Ivan’s face as he stared at him.
“… I don’t think you understood what I meant but that’s fine, I’ve always liked you for your cluelessness.”
Till’s mouth hung open in shock as his heart skipped several beats, before finally registering the diss in his words.
“Hey! I’m not clueless! And don’t just say stuff like that out of the blue,” He mumbled, looking away hurriedly to avoid his second death via heart attack.
“Stuff like what?” Ivan teased, raising his arms up in surrender when Till glared at him.
“You’re insufferable.”
Ivan smirked at that, slowly lowering his hands and crossing them over his chest instead.
“So I’ve been told by you multiple times,” He snickered.
Till rolled his eyes, briefly contemplating his life choices.
(Why did he have to fall in love with such an asshole?)
They fell into a contemplative silence, as Till tried to ponder what Ivan could have possibly meant.
He didn’t quite understand why the other would think that he’d just ditch him for Mizi. Sure, he’d always idolised her and wanted to grow closer to her, but at the end of the day, Ivan was his closest friend.
He wouldn’t just abandon him in his goal to befriend his idol. That was, if he could do so.
As he mentioned earlier, he knew Sua was lurking somewhere in the In-Between. After spending all his time looking at Mizi, he would be a fool to not notice the special bond between her and Sua.
In a way, it kind of reminded him of his situation with Ivan, though the only difference was that for Mizi, it was requited.
Although Till had finally acknowledged his feelings for Ivan, that didn’t mean that Ivan felt the same.
Sure, he gave up his life for him, but that was probably because he felt some platonic affection for him as his closest friend in Anakt Garden. It hurt, sure, but he wasn’t going to be fussy.
It wasn’t everyday that one could just casually bump into their friend that they’ve been in love with their whole lives in the In-Between. This was already a huge blessing.
Anyway, back to the situation at hand, why would Ivan think that he’d abandon him out of nowhere?
Unless…
“Oh. Did you want to leave? Am I holding you back?” Till asked, ignoring the way his words pierced his heart.
Ivan looked at him disbelievingly, though in Till’s hurt, he registered it as his silent admission.
“If that’s the case… Don’t let me weigh you down. You should go if you want to. Live the life you deserve,” He said, smiling shakily.
As someone who wore his heart on his sleeve, the both of them could tell that he was lying.
“Till… You…”
Till placed a finger on Ivan’s soft lips, stunning the man into silence.
“I’ve already taken too much from you. You’re free to do whatever you want, so do so.”
Ivan shakily clasped his hand around Till’s, gently removing the offending finger from his lips.
Even after doing so, he didn’t let his hand go. Instead, he only held on tighter as he sighed heavily.
“You’re an idiot.”
Till shook his head.
“No, I got your message loud and clear. Go , Ivan. Be free,” He said, slowly withdrawing his hand.
Ivan opened his mouth before closing it shut again, speechless beyond words. Before he could retort, however, Till stood up and smiled bitterly.
“Maybe you need some time to think. I’ll leave you alone for a bit.”
Mistaking Ivan’s silence for acceptance once again, Till hurriedly left.
-
Till watched as stars fell down the sky, amazed at how the once black sky turned red with every star that passed.
He was once again reminded of those beautiful flowers, of black pupils with red specks, of that one fateful day a warm hand tugged his, urging for them to run away.
It was a night he’d lived over and over and over again, ever since the end of Round 6. A night that he caught glimpses of as he faced off Luka in Round 7.
A night that was just like tonight, as he gazed at the flowery field that was illuminated by the meteor shower.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Till asked as heard Ivan’s footsteps approaching from behind him.
He didn’t turn around to look at his friend, his eyes glued on the scenery in front of him. He didn’t have to, when his friend made his way towards him, blocking the sky from his view.
“Till,” He said softly, eyes searching for an explanation, an answer.
Till smiled sadly.
“I’ve always regretted it, you know? Not running away with you,” He said, shaking his head when Ivan opened his mouth to retort.
“Maybe, if we ran away together all those years ago, we would both still be alive. You wouldn’t have to give up your life for me. We could have been happy together.”
Ivan frowned, shaking his head.
“No, we wouldn’t. You’re kind, Till. You would have equally regretted leaving your friends there to die, leaving Mizi there to die,” He countered.
Till gazed into his eyes, seeing the pain and the grief that were contained within.
“At least, you would still be alive. You wouldn’t have given up your life for nothing.”
At that, Ivan gently cupped his face.
“It wasn’t for nothing. It was for you .”
Till placed his hand on Ivan’s.
“You would have given Luka a run for his money. Heck, you would have won . You’d be alive and running and basking in all the fame and glory, instead of…” Till’s face contorted in pain.
Ivan used his free hand to brush the stray tear running down Till’s cheek.
“I’d rather die than win that stupid competition. Till, I’d rather die than live without you. I wouldn’t be able to take it. No, I can’t take it. It’s better this way. My death wouldn’t affect mu-”
The look Till gave him instantly shut him up. It was a look usually reserved for his enemies, a scalding look for those who crossed his boundaries.
“Don’t you ever finish that sentence,” Till warned, though he wasn’t quite sure how effective his threat was with the way his tears were now steadily streaming down his face.
“What makes you think that I wouldn’t have felt the same? We were friends, Ivan. Of course your death would affect me!” He said icily, the hand that was clasping Ivan’s tightening.
“When you died, I no longer wanted to live,” He admitted shamefully, taking in the shocked look on Ivan’s face.
“It wasn’t worth it. At that time, Sua was dead, Mizi was missing and you were gone . I didn't want to live, but at the same time, I didn’t want your sacrifice to go to waste. It was unbearable. I couldn’t, I shouldn’t- ” He trembled, causing Ivan’s eyes to widen in alarm.
Suddenly, he was pulled into a warm embrace, his worries quieting down as he breathed in the scent that was so familiar to him. The scent that enveloped him every single time after a rough event. After a hard day.
The scent that’s been there for him since the beginning.
“I’m sorry, Till. I’m so sorry. I didn’t think… No, this shouldn’t have been… a trauma for you…” He apologised profusely, rubbing Till’s back comfortingly.
Till slowly wrapped his arms around Ivan, causing the man to sitffen.
“I should be the one apologising. For taking your life.”
Ivan shook his head, nuzzling his face into the crook of Till’s shoulder.
(A painfully familiar sensation. One that he’d only realised now.)
“I gave you my life willingly. It was my decision. Don't apologise,” He whispered, holding him closer.
As he felt Ivan’s tears slowly dampening his shirt, Till was slowly realising that there was more to it. More to them .
More to the annoying taunts and rough remarks. More to the worried glances and painted smiles.
Had he spared a second of his time looking around, maybe he would have realised the pair of eyes that were always on him, looking out for him looking, looking at him.
Maybe he would have realised that at the end of the day, it’s always been him.
“Why?” He asked, although they both knew the unfinished question. They both knew the unsaid answer.
(Why did you do that for me?)
Ivan smiled against his skin.
“Just because.”
(Because I love you.)
They stayed like that for a few moments longer as the stars continuously fell down from the sky.
Maybe this was how it was supposed to be, what was supposed to happen all those years ago.
What felt like hours, but was probably only a few minutes, passed with the both of them clinging on to each other for as long as they were able to.
When they parted, neither mentioned the matching red eyes they sported. Instead, they could only smile weakly as the sky changed colours in the background.
“If I asked you to run away with me now, would you do so?” Ivan asked after a while, his red nose making his nervous smile more endearing. He shakily extended his palm, waiting to see if Till would accept it.
Till smiled at him fondly, before firmly accepting his hand.
“Of course.”
-
“Hurry up, Ivan. If we don’t move our asses now, Sua’s going to skin us alive!” Till shouted from the living room of their shared apartment.
They were currently running late to the surprise birthday party Sua was hosting for Mizi.
It’d been one hell of a day which had started with Till bringing back Satan’s spawn (read: a cat) who decided that Ivan was his public enemy number one.
The cat then proceeded to piss all over Ivan’s clothes so they had to go on an impromptu shopping trip for a suitable dress shirt.
(Let it be known that Sua’s the type to pull all the strings when it came to her girlfriend. The fact that they were having a fancy dinner at a Michelin star restaurant was one of the many proofs.)
“Coming!” Ivan shouted as he barreled down the hall, hair a disheveled mess with his tie askew.
He desperately tried to fix his hair, but gave up on the tie, knowing it was a lost cause. Till sighed heavily, before beckoning him to come over.
Without complaint, Ivan made his way to his boyfriend, who was now looking at him strangely.
“What…?”
“Shut up,” Till said, before tugging on his tie and pulling him down for a kiss.
Ivan easily reciprocated, pulling Till close as he deepened the kiss. His hands roamed downwards, causing Till to gasp and-
“Wait. We don’t have time for this,” He pulled away, causing Ivan to chase his lips.
“The party can wait,” Ivan whispered seductively, placing kisses all over Till’s jaw before moving downwards.
Till closed his eyes, slowly relishing in the feeling of Ivan’s lips on his neck when his eyes snapped open.
“No. No, our car got towed, remember? If we don’t leave now, we won’t make it! Remember the last time we pissed Sua off?” Till exclaimed, immediately pushing Ivan off of him.
The man could only grumble in response, but Till paid it no mind as he hurriedly fixed his appearance and put on his shoes.
Ivan heaved a sigh. This time, it wasn’t even him who initiated the kiss, so why was he the one left hanging?
It seemed as if Till could pick up on his worsening mood, judging by the way he sighed and turned to look at him.
“I’ll make it up to you later, hmm?” He smiled sweetly, causing Ivan to breathe deeply as he reminded himself time and time again on what Sua was capable of when she’s pissed.
He smiled, strained.
“You’re lucky I love you,” He said, though the smile turned genuine when he saw the blush on Till’s face.
“Yeah, yeah. I love you too. Now hurry up! Let’s go!” He exclaimed as he ran out of the apartment, his ears as red as the shoes he was wearing.
Ivan smilid widely, feeling his heart clench at his boyfriend’s adorableness. He shook his head, chuckling lightly before accidentally catching his reflection on the mirror.
His eyes widened.
“Wait, Till. My tie!”
In another life, Till didn’t have to watch as the love of his life died in front of his eyes. In another life, Ivan could proudly profess his undying love and have it reciprocated. In another life, they would never be forced to go against each other, where winning meant losing the other.
In another life, in this life, they were finally free.