Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

When Jeongin's parents were the worst to him, Jeongin would always sneak out of his house and go to Hyunjin's. Hyunjin was a safe place for him because he was the first person out of the group he had met. Jeongin would sneak in through Hyunjin's bedroom window, even though the older's parents were never home half the time and he probably could have come in through the front door

"Hyung." Jeongin always whispered the moment he slipped in through the window, shaking Hyunjin awake. "Do you want to dance?" He would finally ask when Hyunjin's eyes blinked open. The conversation usually continued like this; Hyunjin said no on the rare occasion his parents were home, and he said yes every other time. It was more often than not that he would say yes.

Dancing was Hyunjin and Jeongin's thing from the start. Maybe that's why Hyunjin quit the dance team the day after Jeongin died despite him not being on it. Minho and Felix quit not soon after, but it didn't hurt them the same way that it hurt Hyunjin. He couldn't do it anymore without feeling his heartbreak. Jeongin would have never wanted any of them to give up the things that they loved, but he wasn't here to voice that opinion anymore.

He would never get to voice his opinions, not anymore, not ever again. 

On the days Hyunjin said yes, Jeongin would whine every time he got a move wrong, and Hyunjin would giggle at him. "Stop laughing at me, this isn't funny." Jeongin's voice was so high-pitched every time he whined, higher than it usually was. There was something about Jeongin's voice that always seemed to lure Hyunjin in. It had been what started their friendship in the first place-- Jeongin's voice and his singing to himself in the bathroom in middle school.

"I think it's funny." Hyunjin would reply, and he would always brush one of the dangling strands of Jeongin's hair behind his ear, and groan when the strand instantly came back out. It was always an ongoing fight Hyunjin had with Jeongin's hair because it never seemed to want to cooperate with him. Hyunjin would complain that it hated him with some agenda against him.

Jeongin would say otherwise, and try to mess with Hyunjin's hair all the same. It always worked for him. They would dance for hours, no matter what time it was. One time, they danced so much they only had an hour of sleep. 

That was one of the best days of Hyunjin's life-- when he still had his Jeongin, his baby.

Then, either when they were done with dancing, or on the days that Hyunjin would say no, they would curl up in bed together. Hyunjin loved the feeling of being in Jeongin's arms despite the height difference.

"I love you, Hyung."

"I love you too, Innie."

It didn't matter to them, because Hyunjin loved feeling safe, and Jeongin loved to be the reason why that feeling came true. When they were together in Hyunjin's bed, it seemed like nothing would be able to hurt them.

Oh how wrong they were about that.

Now, Hyunjin wakes up in a cold bed. Hyunjin refuses to go near the side of the bed that Jeongin always slept on. It still smelled like him, because of how often the boy had come over. Hyunjin had always said he was going to kill Jeongin's parents for how they treated him, but he would have never wanted Jeongin to stop coming over. He wanted Jeongin to feel as safe as he did. 

The younger only really felt that with Hyunjin. 

A coffee cup that Jeongin always used to steal from Hyunjin's kitchen cabinet when his parents weren't home still sits on his dresser. By now, Hyunjin doesn't want to begin to imagine what could be in it. If Jeongin had finished his drink or not, or anything else. Hyunjin refused to touch it.

Maybe there would still be lipgloss on it, too.

The last time Hyunjin cleaned his room, he found a bunch of old shirts Jeongin had left there in exchange for taking Hyunjin's. Maybe by the time he died, his closet was full of clothes Hyunjin didn't wear anymore.

One of them was a particular hoodie-- the same hoodie Jeongin had on the night before he killed himself.

Jeongin died the next day in Hyunjin's clothing, and no one knew that except Hyunjin.

If Hyunjin was smarter, could he have prevented it? Could he have been able to sense the amount of hurt that Jeongin carried everywhere he went?

They were too dumb to know things like love, but maybe that's the price they have to pay.

Hyunjin knows better now.

Hyunjin thinks if he tries hard enough, he can pretend that Jeongin is still alive. He would be able to hug him again, kiss him, and tell him that everything will be just fine.

But neither of them will be fine in the long run. We all know this.

"Hyung, you should come with me so we can go get ice cream!" Jeongin always seemed so happy, even if he looked like he had just cried for hours.

Honestly, he probably had just cried for hours.

"Of course, I'll go with you. You're paying though, I'm broke."

Hyunjin still has a gallon of Jeongin's favorite ice cream in his freezer. It's probably freezer-burnt by now, but he can't bring himself to ever get rid of it.

And every time Hyunjin decides that he's done being sad, he'll open a bottle of alcohol he stole from his parents. It's going to run out soon, but they're never there to notice.

In the back of his head, he'll recreate new memories of him and Jeongin dancing until their feet stop working. In these memories, Jeongin is pale. Paler than he has ever been.

But at least in these memories, Yang Jeongin is alive.

Or maybe, Hwang Hyunjin just needs to own up to the fact that his boyfriend is dead. Jeongin is dead, and there is no coming back from that.

Hyunjin remembers the night Jeongin died. How he was woken up by a sobbing Jisung on the phone-- because the two lived right next to each other-- and telling him that there were police cars and an ambulance right outside of Jeongin's house.

And that Jeongin was nowhere to be seen, other than his parents who were acting like they were so saddened by this.

Then Jisung told him that he had just seen a Jeongin-shaped body bag.

That was when Hyunjin knew he no longer had the love of his life.

Chapter Text

Many people seemed to disagree, but Jeongin was like hot chocolate after coming inside from playing with snow. Jeongin was the warmth on a cold night, and the coldness on a night when it felt like the sun was going to burn you alive. Jeongin was like sunshine when you thought the sky would be dark for the day, and the rain when the world got too dry for plants and animals. 

It was hard for Jisung not to think of Jeongin whenever someone mentioned warmth. Jeongin felt like finding your home again after being away from it for so long. Their maknae could make anyone's day so much better with only a quick smile. Jeongin was supposed to live longer than all of them. He was supposed to go on and be able to make everyone he met happier.

Jeongin was the sweetness in candy and the bitterness in lemonade that always made you return to it.

Jeongin was gone.

Jisung and Jeongin had been neighbors since they were in middle school. A twelve-year-old Jisung had moved in next door, anxious and scared of everything. It was near the end of the school year when they arrived, and Jisung had seen little Jeongin leave his house one morning to go to school. So, the following afternoon, Jisung went over to knock on Jeongin's door.

There were no cars in the gravel driveway, so Jisung didn't know if anyone was going to answer, but he wanted to take a chance and try anyway. Luckily, it was one of the days that Jeongin's parents hadn't dragged him along.

The door opened gently and Jisung thought Jeongin was one of the prettiest people he had ever seen. "You look cold." Was the first thing that had come out of Jeongin's mouth, before he grabbed Jisung's hand and pulled him inside. This was the first time that someone other than Jisung's parents had shown any care for him, so he didn't hesitate.

Plus, he was twelve, and he had no idea what a kidnapper was. He was sheltered, for fuck sake, and he had no friends. Jeongin had shut the door behind Jisung and groaned, "Why are you so cold? Your hands are like ice, and you look like you're shivering, and I don't like it. It's nearing summertime, there is no reason why you are this cold."

From then on, Jeongin had been the warmth that Jisung needed on the days when he was cold.

Jisung would have to go on for the rest of his life without his warmth. And maybe if he's scared of winter without warmth for the first time in five years, Jisung will have to try as hard as he can to convince himself that he doesn't need to join Jeongin. Not now, maybe not ever, He has to live for Jeongin-- have the life that the younger boy never got to have. Jisung could hold himself the same way Jeongin used to.

"Hyung." They're older this time, thirteen and fourteen, and the seasons are starting to change. Felix is probably in the hospital, because when is he not? And Hyunjin has been stressing out a lot more than usual. Neither of them likes it when this time of season comes. Jeongin is always sad, Jisung is always cold, Felix is always sick to his stomach-- curse his immune system for being against him-- and Hyunjin is always stressed out. His parents are gone more often than not in the fall. If Jeongin and jisung had it their way, Hyunjin would never have to be alone again.

But they're kids, so of course nothing can ever go the way that they want it to. "Hyunjin Hyung said he wasn't coming to school today. He threw up this morning."  Jeongin whispered, and the sadness in his voice was evident. Hyunjin always got sick when he was by himself.

Jisung shook his head and sighed. His throat burned, maybe it was from spending too much time with Felix before the other got sick. "We should skip school." Jisung decided, staring daggers at the ground like it would be able to fix all of his problems. It couldn't, but he could still pray for the day they'd all be happier. Jeongin looked up at him, confused, and tilted his head. "We should skip school and go to Jinnie's house. That way, he won't be by himself."

And for them, that was the only way they thought they could help Hyunjin when the seasons changed. The leaves fell on the pavement and made a pretty scene, almost like one of the scenes Hyunjin would draw in the corner of his math notebook. They also crunched under Jeongin and Jisung's feet when they made the walk from the front entrance of the school to Hyunjin's house.

The seasons looked pretty every time they changed, but they were also set for a disaster to happen.

Jisung thinks Autumn is miles away even though it's right in front of him. The leaves don't look pretty anymore. not when the person who made life so much brighter and beautiful is gone. Nothing looks pretty anymore like Jisung's happiness is miles away.

Jeongin always said he wasn't as pretty as the rest of them like he didn't light up the entire world from the second he came into it. Jisung has always hated fall, but maybe he hates it a little more now.

And if anyone asked, Jisung would never be able to tell them the truth. He had spent all of the time he could with Jeongin, and watched as he lost one of the only things that had ever meant anything to him. His warmth and his safety disappeared as if it had never been there in the first place.

Jisung tried to look for it in everything he could see, whether it be in people or whatever reminded him enough of Jeongin, but nothing worked. His sunshine was gone in a matter of seconds.

Every wall he had, had fallen and been utterly destroyed from the second he had met Jeongin. Sunshine, sweetness, and beauty could only be described using big English words that none of them knew. 

Jeongin was dead, and he had been for far too long.

But at least he was always there in the back of their minds, in their hearts, and deep down, Jeongin was always watching over them from wherever he was now. 

Angels can die, and they die in the dark. Jeongin died in the middle of the night after hanging himself. Though, at least Jisung is always going to love him, even when it’s far too late to. 

Jeongin is alive in Jisung’s heart.

One day, Jeongin found Jisung in the bathroom while the older boy was having a panic attack. It didn't scare Jeongin, despite being twelve and having no idea what was going on. The one to handle Jisung's panic attacks was their new best friend, Felix, but Felix wasn't there to be able to help, so Jeongin knew he had to step up.

Jeongin had learned over time that hugs always made Jisung feel better, so he was on his knees in one second and embracing Jisung tightly the next.

"You're okay, Hyung. Shhh, I'm here, your baby is here."

Jeongin held Jisung while he fell apart, and Jisung would never be able to repay him that favor.

Jisung didn't know where all of the time they were supposed to have in front of them went, but nothing hurt worse than knowing their maknae was forever gone.

Han Jisung's most pathetic moment was the night Yang Jeongin died, sobbing into a phone with a shattered screen in the middle of the night. He spent moments trying to convince their entire friend group to come as fast as they could because their baby was dead.

Jisung died the night that Jeongin took his final breath. His angel was dead.

Chapter Text

Jeongin has always been good at pretending. The others never seem to realize just how good at it their maknae is, but Felix does. Felix tended to dissimulate so people could never really read him, and maybe that's why it was so obvious to him that Jeongin was lying.

Felix thinks he should have known that there was more to Jeongin than what everyone else saw, but he didn't, not really. There were the fake smiles when people were looking, and the dead look in his eyes every time someone turned away from him.

Felix never should have assumed Jeongin was as okay as he let on. It's all his fault; he saw the signs and should have said something. He never did. 

They're sitting in Seungmin's room while the other goes to get water. Jeongin is lying on his back, pressed against one of the plushies Jisung had gotten for Seungmin.

He seems different, a little too different for Felix's liking. Jeongin is usually this smiley boy, almost like sunshine if it was a person. From Felix's knowledge, nothing had happened lately. Hyunjin had told him he hadn't seen Jeongin at night in over a week, but why did Jeongin look so broken in front of him if that was the case?

Felix gets up from his spot on the floor to sit next to Jeongin instead, reaching out to grab the younger boy's hand and squeeze it. "Hey, Innie?" Felix whispers, unsure if Jeongin even heard him. Jeongin looks up from his spot on Seungmin's pillow and tilts his head, almost as if he were asking what Felix wanted from him. Or at least, Felix takes It as such. "Are you okay? You seem off today."

Felix can see the light in Jeongin's eyes flicker as he processes Felix's question, and it scares him to think of what Jeongin might say. It's unnecessarily quiet in the room and even more so when Jeongin stares at him in disbelief. Felix starts to regret his question as Jeongin simply nods his head. "As okay as I can be."

Jeongin smiles, his dimples showing so vividly, and Felix has to fight the urge in his head that wants him to poke at them. Felix would have smiled back if that wasn't one of the fakest smiles he had ever seen come out of their maknae.

Jeongin was the type of person to fake smiles when he didn't want anyone to know the truth about something, and Felix knew he tended to lie to anyone who asked what was going on in his head, but it had never looked like this.

He had never looked this broken in all of the years that Felix knew Jeongin. Felix started again, ever so softly, "You don't have to tell me, Innie, but I know something is wrong by the look in your eyes."

Jeongin deadpans, staring directly at the ground as if he could turn it into fire and burn Felix alive. "It doesn't matter."

When Felix goes to say something else, he gets cut off by Seungmin walking back in carefully, trying to balance the three glasses of water in two hands before he places his on the nightstand, and passes Jeongin his before looking at Felix. "Are you good, Lix? You look like something bad happened."

Felix nods, "Yeah, I'm good." And his heart feels like it's doing rolls when Jeongin laughs. It takes everything in him to not say something. He wants to grab Jeongin and pull him into the tightest hug because they both know that Jeongin is lying, but Felix can't.

Maybe if he had ignored Seungmin's presence and hugged Jeongin anyway, their maknae would still be alive. He would still be alive and Felix would never have to blame himself for letting Jeongin down.

Jeongin's laugh is like a symphony, but Felix finds that when the lights in his eyes go out, it's harder to breathe than ever before.

And there are only so many threads in his heart that Felix can pull on. Jeongin is like a puzzle, and for the life of him, Felix can't figure it out.

Felix finds himself wanting to cry when Seungmin puts a movie on and Jeongin pretends like their conversation never even happened.

Felix was so scared that Jeongin would one day decide that he was going to leave instead.

That fear was right when Jisung called him the night Jeongin was pulled out of his house in a fucking body bag, screaming at the tip of his lungs.

It was only natural for the conversation to come up once in a while-- their future, because one day, they're all going to be old and hopefully together.

"Innie!" Jisung smiles and wraps an arm around Jeongin to pull him closer. For once, Jeongin doesn't struggle and he lets the other hug him tightly. "What do you wanna do when you graduate?"

Most of them had said university, but Minho was already teaching at a dance studio, and the rest of them hadn't graduated yet other than Chan, who'd been enrolled in the nearest university, luckily right by the same studio that Minho taught at.

Jeongin put his head down and rolled his eyes, "I don't know. I don't believe too much in my future."

That should have been their biggest sign that they were about to lose their baby.

"We're all going to die one day anyway, so what's the point?"

Felix had the text messages on his phone to prove that Jeongin would spend his nights when he wasn't at Hyunjin's, that he missed the way things used to be. Maybe he was talking about how he missed when the two oldest Hyungs were in high school, or maybe he meant before his parents started to hate him for no reason.

Jeongin had an account on a random blog site that Felix found one day when he was looking up all of their names. Felix didn't know why Jeongin had used his first name and a picture of him, but he did.

Every time that account would post something sad during the night, and Felix knew that the younger wasn't at Hyunjin's, he would call him and check up on him.

Jeongin always asked why he was awake and why he was calling, and Felix would smile and tell him that he needed someone to talk to while he fell asleep.

Maybe he had hoped that it would help Jeongin more than it ever did.

All this time, Felix could see past his fake smiles and the lies he told to all of their friends, but he never knew how bad the thoughts inside Jeongin's head were.

Felix was never able to tell Jeongin that he wouldn't be able to live without him, or any of them, because he was gone, but Jeongin was his lifeline.

Jeongin was too young to know that things could get better. Too young to know that Felix would be his sun if he had to be, and too young to know that Felix depended on him to stay alive for the sake of his own sanity.

The night Jisung calls Felix and tells him that Jeongin is dead, Felix starts to beg. He begs Jisung to tell him that this is a joke, a mere fucked up lie to get the younger to be more thankful that he still had an alive Jeongin.

But Jisung wasn't lying, and Jeongin was never going to come back. Felix said I love you to Jeongin every time they last spoke, and that was never good enough.

If Jeongin had believed in one thing, Felix would have told him to believe that Felix was never going to leave.

It's too late for that.

Chapter Text

When Chan and Jeongin met, Jeongin was fresh out of middle school. He looked so scared and shy, and Chen knew he had to protect him no matter the cost.

Jeongin had never told him when something was bothering him, but he learned from Hyunjin specifically that something was going on inside of their Maknae’s head. 

Chan just never thought it would be to take his own life.

They’re sitting in the nurse’s office, and it’s the first week of Jeongin’s freshman year of high school. There was blood coming out of Jeongin’s nose when Chan found him out in the hallway after an upperclassman decided to beat the shit out of him for existing.

Jeongin looks up from where he’s sitting on one of the cots, a few seconds after the nurse had left to go get something to disinfect Jeongin’s bloody nose. “Why would you bother with me?”

Jeongin was quiet, and while Chan usually had encounters with the loud freshmen who didn’t know how to shut up which tainted his view on them, he knew this one wasn’t like that.

“I wanted to,” Chan replies before the nurse walks back in. She gets quick to disinfect Jeongin’s wounds before looking at Chan for an explanation. 

To which he sighs, crosses his arms, and tells her the exact truth. “One of the upperclassmen punched him because he tripped in front of them.”

And sure, the nurse didn’t look like she believed his story, but it was the truth. She gave Jeongin an ice pack and told the two of them to be on their way.

“What’s your name, anyway?” Chan asks as he walks out of the room, side by side with Jeongin.

Jeongin gives him a small smile before wincing. “Jeongin, Yang Jeongin.”

“I’m Chan, it’s nice to meet you.”

Chan thought they would have it all. A part of him knew that one day, all of his hopes and dreams of protecting his babies would come to an end.

He just never thought it would be as soon as it was. And especially not his youngest, the one who was supposed to be against the world that tried to bring him down.

His parents tried to bring him down. It was supposed to be him, and them, against the world.

But now, Hyunjin’s been sleeping on his own, and all of them know how much he misses that small space in his bed that he used to reserve for Jeongin.

And Chan was spending all of his nights by himself, and not the occasional friend he would have in Jeongin who tended to call him in the middle of the night.

Jeongin was never coming back home, not in any sense of the word. Not to Hyunjin’s house, where they could spend eternity in Hyunjin’s bedroom, or to Chan’s phone.

Blaming him is something that Chan has never wanted to do. Jeongin was his world which was taken away from him far too soon, a ghost in his dreams that felt like it was running through all of them on repeat.

No night was free without the little silhouette he saw in the pitch black at night, or in the corners of his eyes.

They were supposed to be Jeongin’s eternity. His reason for living and the thought he woke up to every morning. Maybe they were never good enough.

Or maybe, Chan was never good enough, because Jeongin left him on his own the night before.

Jeongin was found dead a few hours after Chan last saw him.

If Jeongin would have given Chan a chance, he would have given the younger his everything.

“What would you ever do if someone in our friend group died all of a sudden?” Changbin had asked one night while they were all drunk.

Chan laughed it off, “I would probably destroy myself. If I’m being honest, I would pretend whoever died wasn’t really gone,”

But maybe Jeongin forgot that Chan said all of that. 

Or maybe he didn’t care to begin with.

Now he has to face the fact that Jeongin is never coming back, and his fake, fucked up sense of reality is wrong.

Even if he sees Jeongin in his dreams, and always thinks that Jeongin is watching him in the middle of the night. 

And when he has the gut instinct to turn on a light because something is telling him that it’s too dark to see.

It’s Jeongin.

But Jeongin left Chan on his own, and he was never coming home.

Chapter Text

Minho knew he didn't have a right to be mad, not when Jeongin was trying to make himself happy. But still, he thinks he can be a little pissed off at being abandoned. 

Whether Jeongin wanted to abandon all of them or not, he still did. Minho's anger was as bitter as a lemon.

Was it wrong to wish for Jeongin to come back, even with how bad his life was when he was still alive? Could Minho have done anything to save Jeongin? If he was a little nicer, a little more touchable?

Would any of that be able to save one of the only people that Minho had ever truly loved from killing himself?

Maybe it's selfish for him to think, to hope, that they--or himself in general-- could ever be enough for Jeongin to ever want to stay in this world.

Minho was never close to Jeongin. They were friends, and Minho loved Jeongin with his heart and soul, and vice versa, but they were never as close as the others were. Minho was distant all of the time.

Maybe if he hadn't been so convinced that if he let someone in, it would result in him getting hurt, he would still have Jeongin. 

There's blood on the side of the mountain now. It was supposed to be a random drawing he made to give to Jeongin as a joke for Christmas. The shittest drawing he could ever make of a mountain and trees. Kind of like it was out of a scene from Minecraft. No, literally, that's where he got it from.

In Minho's room, there's writing on the wall. He used to make people sign their names the first time they ever came into his room. Jeongin was on his wall. His sunshine maknae who only ever deserved a hug and kiss from his parents and got abused instead.

Innie was here ^^

November 19th, 2015

"Is that good, Hyung?" Jeongin turns around, black Sharpie in hand and the prettiest smile on his face. He'd written his name right under Hyunjin's, who had been there for the first time the day prior. Minho remembers Hyunjin telling him he told Jeongin about how much fun it was to be there. When Jeongin tilted his head, waiting for an answer, Minho sighed. He could never deny Jeongin anything, so he smiled and nodded. 

Jeongin looked so happy at the praise, so happy in general when he put the marker down and hugged Minho. Neither of them liked being touched all too much, but if Minho had known that would be the first time he would ever hug Jeongin, and one of the last, he would have hugged Jeongin so much more.

Jeongin liked to watch Minho and Hyunjin dance. Felix would always come in later, exhausted and too tired to dance as energetically as the other two, and would sit next to Jeongin and watch.

"Innie, do you think Jinnie is a good dancer?" Felix asks quietly, watching the other two with the biggest grin on his face.

Jeongin deadpans, "I literally dance with him at least twice a week, Felix Hyung."

The last time any of them had danced was the month after Jeongin died. Minho couldn't handle it anymore. Not when he saw shadows of Jeongin everywhere he went. Jeongin was always dancing. It was usually the last dance Minho and Hyunjin had done together before Jeongin died.

Minho couldn't stand it. The sight of Jeongin was in every room and every hall.

It felt like Jeongin was watching him, stalking his every move. 

Nothing mattered to Minho, even when he felt his sanity falling apart at the seams. 

Jeongin haunted him.

He was in the trees, in the breeze that came in through Minho's window in the middle of the night, and when Minho paid close enough attention to it, it was as if Jeongin's shadow was right behind him.

Minho sees Jeongin's face in every place, but does that matter if he'll never catch him?

It's an endless loop, and Minho doesn't want to play anymore.

The night Lee Minho got the call that Yang Jeongin was dead, he didn't believe it. A part of him knew that Jisung would never lie to him, but he never wanted to believe that Jeongin would do it.

He thought that eventually, every bad thing in Jeongin's life, the horrible thoughts or not, would pass like winter.

How wrong he was, because he would never be able to forget Jeongin for as long as he lived.

Not when Jeongin was everywhere.

Chapter Text

Jeongin was beautiful, like how the stars shine during the night, or when the sun finally emerges after being hidden due to rain. Seungmin thought Jeongin's beauty was going to kill him.

Seungmin and Jeongin met the December before the younger turned fifteen. They were in the guidance counselor's office and ended up talking because they were both friends with Chan.

"You have nice hair." Jeongin had smiled when Seungmin sat down next to him.

Seungmin at the time didn't know how to tell Jeongin that he was one of the prettiest things he's ever seen-- second to Hyunjin. Plus, he seemed like he would be one of those people who refused to take compliments.

"Thank you." Seungmin smiles, because he's never been a rude child a day in his life, "I think your hair is pretty, too."

Seungmin at the time, wishes he could have told Jeongin how pretty he was. Not to change Jeongin's mind or anything about how he looked, no, but because it was such beauty it needed to be stated.

He doesn't.

There's a melody in his head that plays every time he falls asleep. It's strange, certainly, but it's familiar. 

It starts happening right after Jeongin's funeral. It's a weird humming that Seungmin knows he's heard somewhere else, but he can never pinpoint where exactly it came from.

Well, that is until he hears it again coming from Felix's phone a few months later.

The second Felix starts to play it, Seungmin snaps his head in Felix's direction. It's the humming that plays in his head before he goes to sleep every night, so of course he'd remember it when it starts getting played randomly.

Felix tilted his head in confusion, pausing whatever he was watching. The humming goes away.

"Where did that come from?" Seungmin asked, pressing his knuckles against the bottoms of his hands to crack them. They hurt too much all of a sudden.

Felix seems even more confused. "Innie? This was something he made and sent to Chan for a song right before he died."

"That's the fucking humming I hear every night when I'm trying to fall asleep." And it's just as beautiful as Jeongin was.

Jeongin used to text Seungmin every morning without fail. "I love you, Hyung. Have a good day today."

Seungmin made their friendship toxic without even realizing it. It was never bad for Jeongin, no, he managed to keep it as far away from Jeongin as he could manage.

But it was toxic for him. It destroyed him in ways Seungmin would never be able to admit. It hurt too much to think about and stung every time someone said Jeongin's name.

Seungmin tried so hard to be Jeongin. He depended on Jeongin because he hated himself and the way he looked. His self-esteem was horrible and it made him want to kill himself every time someone looked at him just a little bit weirdly.

Jeongin never knew that he was the only thing that kept Seungmin going from the day they met to the day he died. Maybe he knows about it in heaven now, and maybe he thinks Seungmin is a horrible person.

The small things got Seungmin through the days. The small, "I love you, Hyung, good morning." Went a long way when it came from the person he was utterly obsessed with.

Jeongin was beautiful no matter what time Seungmin saw him. He could have been just waking up, or have been on a five-mile-long run, it didn't matter. The way that he would look at Seungmin like he mattered like he was some kind of equal to him? Beautiful in ways that Seungmin would never be able to describe.

Seungmin was never able to distance himself from Jeongin, because he was so scared that the younger would realize he wasn't worth it to stay around.

And Seungmin never wanted even the slightest chance to forget how pretty Jeongin was.

It didn't matter what happened to them. Nor did it matter anything Seungmin did wrong.

Somehow, it seemed like Jeongin couldn't give a fuck about his actions. Seungmin wondered why Jeongin would keep everything the same.

Things always stayed the same way to Jeongin. It never made sense to Seungmin, kind of like Jeongin was trying to avoid changing anything for a reason he didn't think he had it in him to wonder.

Seungmin thinks about how they used to be all of the time.

"Hyung, are you okay?" Jeongin asked, and Seungmin almost wanted to hurt him. He hated the way Jeongin knew him better than he knew himself, and hated the fact he was so in tune to all of their emotions, but could never figure out how much he was killing Seungmin.

Seungmin groaned and leaned back on the bed. "I'm fine." His tone was rude, and he knew Jeongin noticed. He also watched Jeongin sigh and blink a few times, as if he was trying to convince himself to not cry.

Seungmin always hated this part, so he grabbed Jeongin and wrapped his arms tightly around the younger.

Seungmin had a way to make sure Jeongin would be okay, and they both knew it.

Sweet little white lies.

Thinking about Jeongin hurt. Seungmin had cried more than he ever thought was possible when he got the call, and every day of the months following the last day he ever saw Jeongin alive.

All of it was over, but at least he got to know Jeongin and how beautiful he was.

And maybe, just maybe, he would finally work on his attachment to people.

Chapter Text

Changbin had never liked goodbyes. They always seemed too sad to think about-- he preferred to say 'See you later.' It was happier, it made him feel better about leaving.

But Jeongin will never get another see you later. It's goodbye, this time.

The day that Changbin finds out that Jeongin is dead, was an early morning. He never usually woke up at four in the morning, but his phone kept going off. The noise woke him up.

Maybe he would have woken up sooner if he knew. It was Jisung, sobbing his heart out, and begging for Changbin to go to the hospital because Jeongin was there.

Jisung hadn’t told him what had happened with Jeongin, but he already knew. There was a bad feeling in his chest and he feared the absolute worst had happened.

And he was right.

Changbin hadn’t known them for that long. He was new to their school and had been there for about four months before Jeongin died. 

That didn’t mean he didn’t love or care about Jeongin, because he did.

Jeongin was cute and smiley and had been the first person to talk to him on his first day. 

Changbin always hated being new to schools, he hated moving. He hated being a new kid, because no one ever wanted to talk to him or be around him, and he would leave soon enough anyway.

Until this time, because his parents told him that they were finally going to settle down.

So of course, walking into the school for the first time scared the shit out of him. Normally he didn't care what first impression he made, he wouldn't be around for long, but it was different this time.

It was lunchtime on Changbin's first day. His head was pounding because of teachers telling him the most useless shit he's ever heard. And a part of him wants to cry because of how lonely he is.

Until.

"Hi! Are you new here?" Changbin looks up, and the boy in front of him has to be one of the cutest human beings he's ever seen.

Changbin sighs. "Yeah."

"I'm Jeongin!" Jeongin's smile was so innocent, so fucking sweet to the point it hurt Changbin to even look at it.

"Changbin. It's nice to meet you."

Jeongin was the life of their friend group. Many people thought it was Felix, because he radiated happiness, but it was Jeongin.

Changbin didn't understand how Jeongin could brush all of that aside and leave them. How could he leave them all behind?

Changbin had so much he wanted to say to Jeongin. Thank you, especially, for being the person who talked to him on his first day. For being a sweetheart when he was going through one of the worst times in his life.

So much he wanted to say, and yet he had so little time.

Changbin slams the front door to his house, trying to get himself out of his head. Honestly, he wants to beat the shit out of someone.

"Hyung?" Changbin met Jeongin a week ago. He doesn't know how the younger is here, or why, but the sight of a pretty smile and dimples instantly makes him calm down. "Are you okay?"

Changbin groans and shakes his head. He's not trying to sound sarcastic or be a bitch, but he's still majorly pissed off at his parents.

Jeongin comes a little closer and seems a little hesitant about it too. "Uhm, do you want a hug?"

Changbin doesn't answer, just wraps his arms tightly around the younger boy.

"It's okay, Hyung. I don't know what you're mad about, but I'll always be here for you!"

Even when Changbin couldn't, Jeongin somehow always saw the best in him.

It didn't matter if he was right or wrong, he'd always have the sunshine next to him.

It didn't matter how long they had known each other, or if Changbin had gone seventeen years of his life without knowing Jeongin. He had grown attached.

He was so scared of what life without him was going to be like. He didn't want to imagine it. 

Thinking about it cut deep into him, as if someone had pushed a razor blade into different parts of his body and cut deep.

And Changbin saw the way Hyunjin looked at Jeongin. The way he would look into the boy's eyes as if no one was watching him.

Changbin sits in front of a gravestone, Jeongin's name is on it, and he's sure that the lavender flowers are there from Felix.

"I'll make sure he's alright, Innie. Don't worry about Jinnie. I wish you didn't have to go, though, you would have been good for him, baby."

Changbin sighs, glaring up at the dark clouds above him when it starts to pour. It's kind of funny to him, that it's raining.

"There's no way you could ever let any of us down, Innie. You don't need to cry. And, you'll always be Jinnie's baby, you know? He misses you, Innie. He really misses you."

Someday, Changbin will be able to write a song for Jeongin, and he'll be famous. Everyone will know about their sweet baby who died before his time should have been up.