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It’s all a blur.
Literally.
One moment Evan Buckley is lying on his back, the air punched out of his lungs painfully as he stares at the flames licking up the walls and over the ceiling. The next he’s blinking his eyes open in a hospital room, throat dry and eyes burning as the harsh lights beat down on him.
He’s been here too many times to be confused about where exactly he’s ended up. The steady beeping and whirring of the machines create a certain ambiance that he’s come to find peaceful over time, and he can’t stop the way his eyelids flutter closed once more. He thinks he might hear voices speaking, a hand on his shoulder, fingers sliding over his own.
Then it’s gone.
***
The next time Buck opens his eyes goes a bit differently.
The lights in the room are dim, only the machines casting a glow in the darkness, and Buck blinks his eyes open easily. He’s clearly in the hospital. That much he can tell, but he can’t remember exactly what happened to land him here.
He takes a catalog of his body and potential injuries. His head hurts, and his body aches. But he isn’t wearing a cast on any of his body parts, and he doesn’t have any noticeable bandages or surgery scars. That’s a good thing, he reminds himself. That means Bobby probably isn’t too upset about the fact he more than likely did something stupid on a call.
A snore interrupts his thoughts, and he startles slightly when he sees a man passed out in a chair pushed close to his bed. His brown hair is unruly and tousled, and he’s wearing an LAFD navy t-shirt and slacks, which makes Buck think he must be a coworker he hasn’t met yet. He looks vaguely familiar, maybe? He’s relatively new himself so he hasn’t even met everyone.
Still, Buck’s unsure why he’s camped out at his bedside, snoring with two or three day old stubble growing out around his mustache.
Buck clears his throat softly then a bit louder, and the man stirs comically like a cartoon before sitting up straight and staring at Buck without really seeing him for a moment.
Then all of a sudden he’s standing up and smiling, shock evident on his face.
“Buck?” He mutters then grabs his hand and squeezes. “Oh my god. You’re fuckin’ awake.”
Buck slips his hand out of this strangers slowly. “Uh… Did Bobby send you?”
“What?”
“Did Bobby send you to babysit me until I woke up?”
The man chuckles, uncertainty painted on his features. “No? I have a condition called relentless worry and concern for you actually. It’s horrible and unfortunate, but you keep making me sit here in a hospital room and stress out.”
“You didn’t look very stressed while you were snoring.”
“Pffft. Should’ve seen my nightmares. Can’t judge a man on his snoring. We’ve talked about this.”
Buck’s brow furrows, and he tries to sit up, letting the man help him since his head starts to feel like someone’s taking a hammer to it.
When he’s settled, Buck clears his throat, and the stranger (who's clearly not a stranger) lets out a small noise then goes about getting a cup of water for Buck. He even goes as far as to hold the cup up to Buck’s lips, using his thumb to wipe at a droplet that escapes down his chin.
Buck places the cup on the tray beside his bed then asks, “We know each other?”
The man stares down at him for a moment then cocks his head to the side, a little too serious and inquisitive for Buck’s liking, and in the end, he doesn’t respond. Not really.
“I’m goin’ to get the doctor. I’ll be back.”
And then Buck’s alone, staring at the closed, private room door. He looks over the whiteboard to the side of the room, but it doesn’t give enough information to be useful. Just his doctor and nurse. His goal for the day is to open his eyes, so he can pat his back for that one he supposes.
The door swings open, and a tall man comes barrelling into the room with the mystery man filling the doorway with his arms crossed, chewing on his lip as he watches Buck.
“Mr. Buckley, glad to see you’re awake finally.” The doctor, his badge says Stein, says enthusiastically as he scans the machines and checks Buck’s vitals. “How’re you feeling?”
“I feel okay. Just sore.” Buck clears his throat, sipping his water then asks, “What happened?”
Dr. Stein sighs as he grabs the clipboard at the end of Buck’s bed. He clicks his pen and begins scribbling. “You had a pretty nasty fall. Barely made it out, but I hear you have this guy to thank.”
Buck follows the direction of his thumb to where his mystery man is still leaning against the doorframe with a worried crease between his brows.
So he’s definitely a firefighter, and a decent one at that. Still doesn’t explain why he’s hanging around Buck’s room in the middle of the night. For just a moment their eyes meet, and Buck feels… something. It’s barely there and indescribable, unfurling in his chest slowly before he’s blinking his eyes away and back to the doctor.
“When can I leave?” Buck asks instead of focusing on the way he has obvious gaps in his memory.
Dr. Stein shoots him a look. “Don’t get ahead of yourself. We still need to run some tests, and Mr. Diaz expressed some concerns regarding your memory. Can’t just wake up after four days and expect for me to discharge you. You should know me better than that by now, Evan.”
Too much information is thrown at Buck a little too quickly. He has too many questions, and none seem to come out when he opens his mouth.
What is Mr. Diaz’s name?
Is this doctor implying he’s been treating him prior to this?
Does that mean he should know the Dr. Stein, too?
Had he fallen on the job? With Mr. Diaz?
Buck’s brain feels a bit like mush suddenly, and he rubs at his forehead, fingers catching on a bandage on his temple. He drags delicate fingers over the tape and gauze before dropping his hand.
“I…” Buck trails off.
Dr. Stein pushes at his shoulder gently and helps him settle back onto the bed. “We’ll start slow. I just want to ask you a couple questions then I’ll let you rest.”
“‘Kay.”
“What’s your name?”
“Evan Buckley.”
“Date of birth?”
“Six-twenty-seven-ninety-one,” Buck rattles off easily.
“Can you tell me your current address?”
“One-twelve Monrovia Drive, but I’ve been looking for other places.”
Dr. Stein hums under his breath while Diaz shifts uneasily in the doorway before finally moving deeper into the room.
“That’s not right?”
Diaz shakes his head once. “No. That was your first place with all of those frat boy roommates.”
Buck blinks at him.
“Where do you work? And what’s your job title?”
“I’m a firefighter with the one-eighteen. Just finished my probationary period.”
Dr. Stein does that stupid little hum again that Buck is really beginning to hate. “Any medical issues we need to be aware of?”
And the way he says it feels like a trap.
“Not really. Pretty healthy.”
Diaz squawks, a laugh bursting out of him before he coughs into his fist. “Sorry, sorry. Just–sorry.”
Dr. Stein chuckles for a moment. “No, no. I understand. Mr. Buckley, I’m going to run some tests, but I think you have retrograde amnesia.”
“Amnesia?” Buck questions, somehow in denial. “I don’t think so.”
Diaz scoffs. “Stop being stubborn, Buck. You can’t even remember your medical history. You don’t even know my name.”
“Must not be that important then, huh?”
“Go ahead and tell yourself that. I’ll keep sitting at your bedside to make sure you take care of yourself.”
Buck scrunches his nose. “I can take care of myself just fine. I don’t even know you. Stop mothering me.”
“Just wait until Maddie gets here. You’re in for it.”
Buck jackknifes up, wincing as his head throbs. Diaz is at his side in an instant, one hand cupping the side of his head as his dark, concerned eyes comb over his face and skull methodically.
“Don’t sit up so fast.”
“Maddie’s here?” Buck asks, ignoring him.
Diaz meets his eyes then, hand still on the side of his face. They’re within inches of each other, but Diaz doesn’t seem to mind. “Yeah. She lives here now.”
“But… Doug?”
And Buck swears he feels the man’s thumb move ever so slightly over his hair before it stops. “Dead.”
Buck blinks several times. “Doug is dead?”
“Yep.”
“Why don’t we let Evan rest now? This is a lot of new information to digest for him right now. We’ll start your tests first thing in the morning, so rest well. Use your call button if you need anything.” Dr. Stein pats Buck’s shoulder lightly then looks to Diaz. “Are you planning to stay again?”
Diaz shakes his head with a scowl. “I can’t. I’ll be back tomorrow though.”
Dr. Stein nods and says his goodbyes before leaving the two of them alone in the room. There’s an awkward silence for a moment, and Buck wishes he could remember literally anything about this man who so clearly knows him.
And not just know him. But seems to know him and care about him.
Diaz breaks the silence first. “I have to go home. I should’ve left hours ago, but… Well, I fell asleep. I’m glad someone was here when you woke up though.”
“I still don’t know you.”
“I know.”
“But you know me.”
“I do.”
Buck nods. “Do you know… Is Abby still around?”
Diaz almost looks saddened by my question. “No. She’s not.”
“Right…”
Diaz gathers his uniform shirt then stuffs his phone, keys, and wallet in his pockets before heading for the door. At the last moment he turns around but doesn’t say anything. They stare at one another for too long, eyes lingering in a way that suggests a deep connection to Buck.
He clears his throat, blinking away just like earlier. “What’s your name?”
The man stands there, unmoving and unanswering for so long that Buck is forced to meet his gaze once more, and only then does he inhale slowly and speak.
“Eddie.”
***
It takes three days before they’ll discharge Buck. He learns a lot in those three days.
Eddie was right about most of it. Maddie is back. Doug is dead. Though he forgot to mention that Maddie killed him herself. That was a revelation to learn, but also cathartic in a way.
Maddie was full of surprises too.
She’s married. Not just married, but she also has a child. With Chimney.
It was incredibly confusing when they were explaining it all to Buck the other day. Chim was laughing in the corner about it, but Maddie was committed to making sure Buck knew all the details. She even pulled out pictures. Buck was in a lot of them. Holding Jee, his niece, and snuggling close with her. In some photos, he’s playing with her, both of them laughing like hyenas. Then in a few others, the two of them are with another little boy. He’s older than Jee by several years, but he seems just as close and comfortable with Buck as Jee does.
When Buck questions if the boy is Maddie and Chim’s too, she gives him a sad smile and a shake of her head. The boy is Christopher Diaz, Eddie’s son, and Maddie shows him picture after picture of Eddie, Chris, and Buck. Her eyes searched his own, almost pleading for him to recognize something.
But he didn’t feel anything.
Except that slight unfurling in his chest he wished would stop at the sight of Eddie and Chris.
The second night Hen, Bobby, and Athena came by to see him. He felt himself shrink back against the bed when Athena Grant walked into his room and grab his hand. Soon after his eyes nearly bugged out of his head when Bobby casually said he and Athena were married.
As in the Grant-Nash family.
Hen was the only one who didn’t have much to drop on Buck. She mainly enjoyed watching Buck spiral from the onslaught of information until Buck asked them about Abby. By the end of it, he wished he hadn’t.
The great love of his life had… vanished on him? Left him to pick up the pieces and hang on the edge of not knowing what the hell they were for far too long. Then she came back without a care in the world, caught up in a train accident that Buck and Eddie worked. They rescued her of course, but only for her to tell him she’s engaged.
What the ever loving fuck.
He was learning that in the last few years he’d become someone who didn’t speak up. Not that he’d ever really voiced much that bothered him, but he felt like he would’ve given Abby a piece of his mind instead of wishing her well once upon a time.
On the third night, Eddie came by again. He didn’t stay long. Just enough time to drop a bag in the corner with clean clothes and a few random odds and ends Buck hadn’t asked for but was happy to have.
He left pretty quickly when he realized Buck still had no clue who he was nor what to really say to him.
It was on that third and final night when Eddie had dejectedly came and left that Buck finally opened up his photo and social media apps. He’d avoided it for long enough. He needed that bit of avoidance that left him detached from Eddie and his son.
But it was time.
His photo albums were littered with pictures of random sights. Lots of nature and food and bugs. But then there were also tons of pictures of Christopher. In some of the photos, the boy was sprawled on the couch sleeping. In others, he was building things, an intense look of concentration that made Buck chuckle.
There were more pictures of Eddie than anything.
A frustrated Eddie cooking something in a giant pot on the stove. A sleepy Eddie seemingly conked out against the door of the firetruck on the way back from a call Buck presumes. A happy Eddie hugging Christopher on an unfamiliar couch. An unsuspecting Eddie talking with Hen and Bobby at the station. An oblivious, deliriously happy Eddie with his arm slung over Buck’s shoulders to hold him close.
Buck exited his photo app and pulled up Instagram, but Instagram proved to be more of the same.
Eddie and Chroistopher were everywhere he turned. All over his life, and alternatively he was all over theirs. The only problem was that he couldn’t remember them.
And for the first time since he opened his eyes, he felt guilty about it.
***
Buck halts in the threshold of his sister’s place, taking in the cozy apartment she shares with Chim while raising Jee together. Buck can tell almost immediately that the space is barely big enough for Maddie's small family, so he’s unsure how well he’s going to fit in the apartment now.
Regardless of how, Maddie showed up when he was discharged with a smile on her face and Jee on her hip. It was such a welcome sight that Buck’s stubborn, amnesiac brain never thought he’d be seeing, but his heart is happy knowing sometime over the last few years Maddie has finally found her way back to him.
“I know it’s a tight squeeze, but Eddie and I agreed this would probably be best for now.”
Buck swallows and turns his head to look at Maddie. Even here in his sister’s home, he’s not safe from the mentions of Eddie Diaz and the life they apparently have together. Nowhere is safe. Their relationship has touched every stone, seeped into every crevice, wormed its way through the bones of everyone he cares about.
“Why does Eddie get a say?” Buck grumbles before he can stop himself.
Maddie just laughs, a bit sad and resigned. “You’d want Eddie’s opinion over mine, I think.”
And isn’t that just shocking.
“No way.”
“Yeah… I’m not saying that to make you feel bad, Evan. Just–Eddie is the guy you turn to now. He’s your person… Maybe more so than I ever was.”
Buck’s brow pulls low. “I don’t believe in a world where I’d put a friend’s opinion over yours. Ever, Maddie.”
But Maddie just chuckles and squeezes his shoulder, and Buck doesn’t like how it feels. Like whenever Buck’s memories come back, he’ll feel so silly about all of this push back concerning Eddie. Maybe he will! Maybe he’ll feel absolutely stupid when it’s all said and done, but for now he feels like everywhere he turns Eddie Diaz is being shoved down his throat.
“Howie rearranged Jee’s room for you a bit, so you should be able to settle in there okay. It’s not much, but he tried.”
Buck shakes off the conversation and shuffles deeper into the apartment, poking his head into what is clearly Jee’s room that they’ve transformed for the time being. A full-sized air mattress has been shoved into the room, pushing tightly into the space between the wall and Jee’s dresser. Buck’s bags have been deposited at the foot of the bed, and he spies an empty plastic three-drawer tower to the right with his toiletries and undergarments already inside.
He picks up one of the two bags and unzips it.
His clothes are folded neatly–differently than he likes to fold his t-shirts and shorts, but he supposes that doesn’t matter. His phone charger is tucked into the front pocket along with a set of keys, his wallet, and a small photo album. He pulls the keys out first, shaking them slightly before staring down at the different keys on the ring. Buck tosses them on top of the plastic drawers then goes for his wallet next, opening up the worn leather and shuffling through the cards tucked inside.
His fingers catch on a scuffed polaroid, and he tugs it out of the pocket.
It’s a picture of him and Eddie. Eddie’s smiling widely, eyes a bit glazed like he was drunk, and he’s standing at Buck’s back with an arm wrapped around his shoulder and chest, his large hand resting over Buck’s heart. That’s not even the part of the picture that has Buck’s breath catching in his throat though.
It’s the way he’s looking at a version of himself he doesn’t remember with a man he should remember—if it wasn’t obvious by now—in such an intimate photo that he keeps it in his wallet. The Buck in the photo has his head turned slightly, almost looking up at Eddie’s face with a soft grin and a red plastic cup tucked close to his chest.
Buck stuffs it back into the wallet quickly then tosses it with his keys before he hyperventilates.
He’s too scared to open the photo album at the moment, so he leaves it in the pocket and zips it closed. Buck sets to work putting his clothes in some kind of order in the few drawers he has access to, but he ends up leaving some of the shorts and sweatpants in the bags before pushing them against the wall.
The rest of the night passes by slowly.
He eats dinner with Maddie and helps her get Jee ready for bed when she gets more spaghetti on her body and chair than in her mouth. It softens something in Buck’s chest to see Maddie be a mom, and he enjoys sitting back to watch her handle being a parent better than their own ever did.
It's not until he’s shifting uncomfortably on the squeaky air mattress that he lets the day settle, unable to close his eyes and actually sleep.
A few hours must’ve passed, eyes glued to the ceiling, before his phone dings underneath his pillow.
Eddie, 2:10am: Getting any sleep?
Buck stares at the message for a minute, brow furrowing as he reads some of the messages above it before another one comes through.
Eddie, 2:14am: You know your read receipts are on, right?
Buck, 2:15am: I don’t know how to talk to you.
Eddie, 2:16am: That’s okay. You learned how to do it once before. I bet you can do it again.
Buck, 2:18am: How long have we been…?
Buck can’t actually bring himself to admit what they are. It feels like too much after the polaroid discovery, but he has questions. And one thing Buck has always been is a little too curious.
Eddie, 2:19am: About six years? Give or take.
Buck, 2:20am: So my memory cuts right before you and I…
Eddie, 2:20am: Yeah. Won’t lie it stings a little, Buck.
Eddie, 2:21am: How is it at Maddie’s? I tried to make sure I packed shit for you that you actually liked and used.
Buck, 2:26am: You packed all of this for me?
Eddie, 2:27am: Yes.Well… Chris helped. He thought you’d like the photo album. That it might jog your memory.
Buck, 2:30am: I haven’t looked at it yet.
Eddie, 2:32am: Oh. That’s okay. I won’t tell Chris. I’m sure you’re overwhelmed.
Buck, 2:34am: You’re everywhere I turn. All over my life.
Eddie, 2:37am: I guess that’s what happens when you spend all of your free time with someone you’re also partners with.
Buck scrunches his nose. Does he really spend that much time with Eddie and his son? It feels like a dumb question when it’s so fucking obvious that he does. In every picture it looks like Buck and Eddie are trying to crawl into each other’s skin. There’s no personal space, and Buck knows how tactile he is to begin with.
It all begs the question though…
Buck, 2:40am: Why don’t we live together?
Eddie, 2:42am: We’ve actually been talking about it when your lease is up at the end of the year. It would help us both with bills, and you’re over here so much anyway.
Buck, 2:43am: Why’d I come home with Maddie then if I practically live with you?
Eddie, 2:45am: I can get in the truck right now, Buck. Say the word.
Eddie, 2:46am: I assumed this would be more comfortable for you since, as you keep reminding me, you don’t know me.
Buck, 2:47am: Sorry…
Eddie, 2:48am: Don’t apologize. Am I getting in the truck or not, Buck?
Buck stares at the ceiling again, wondering if he should stay at Maddie’s where it feels like a safe, little bubble–free of the scary parts of the last six years he’s missed. He’s been in denial for almost an entire week now about the role Eddie Diaz plays in his life, and the more he tries to avoid him the more he seems to pop up.
Should he just confront him head on?
Maybe that would jog his memories more than the pictures would.
Buck, 2:56am: Come get me, Eddie.
Eddie, 2:57am: On my way.
***
Buck packs his bags quietly and manages to make it outside to the front of the building without waking Maddie. He’s always been pretty stealthy despite how big he is, and over the years he’s gotten even wider. His biceps are huge, stomach rock hard despite the lack of defined abs, and his thighs look like they could crush a watermelon without much effort.
It’s a little scary if he’s honest.
The point is that he’s always been able to sneak out of places pretty easily, and this time is no different.
Eddie’s truck rolls to a stop in front of him after a couple of minutes of Buck bouncing on his toes nervously. He doesn’t give Eddie an opportunity to get out of the truck before he’s clamoring inside and slamming the door.
He expects Eddie to ask him a few questions or even make a move since they’ve acknowledged the elephant in the room between them. But he doesn’t. The drive to Eddie’s house is shockingly quiet. The loudest thing in the truck is the way Eddie and Buck keep casting glances towards each other and looking away before the other catches them.
Eddie’s house is small and quaint, and it immediately settles something in Buck as he hops out of the truck and shuffles toward the door. Eddie follows closely behind, still silent save for the jingle of keys.
Buck swallows, licking his lips as he slips a hand in his pocket and palms his own set of keys. “Do I… Do I have a key?”
“Of course.”
Buck nods slowly, accepting the reality being presented to him finally.
Eddie steps around him and unlocks the door, pushing it open before gesturing for Buck to enter first. “Christopher is with my Abuela tonight, so it’s just us.”
“Oh… How is he? Christopher, I mean.”
“He’s missing his Buck,” Eddie tells him honestly, eyes searching Buck’s before blinking away and shutting the door behind them. “There’s a switch on your right.”
Buck finds the switch and flips it then looks around the space.
The living room is the first room to greet Buck, and he scans the pictures framed on the walls, the random decor that Buck wonders if Eddie just bought to fill the space, and the throw blankets tossed over the back of the couch.
Just like in the hospital Buck feels something in his chest unfurl and loosen. Only this time he doesn’t try to stop it. He breathes it in, lets it settle underneath his sternum as he steps farther into the room to inspect the photos on the walls.
There are a few of Eddie and Chris. Some of just Chris. But then there are pictures of the three of them, Buck, Eddie, and Chris. Holidays, skateboarding, events at the firestation. For every time Buck had felt overwhelmed about Eddie’s presence around every corner, Eddie was dealing with more of the same.
Buck is painted all over these walls.
“Oh.”
Eddie comes to stand beside Buck, looking around. “What? What’s wrong?”
Buck turns to face Eddie. “I’m everywhere…”
Eddie smiles and shoves his hands into his pockets. “Yeah. I didn’t notice until I was trying to keep my distance.”
“You didn’t try too hard.”
“What can I say?” Eddie sighs. “You’ve really put down roots here.”
Buck swallows, maintains eye contact with Eddie, and reaches out with one hand to push a fallen strand of hair off his forehead. The gesture seems to take Eddie by surprise if his wide eyes and gasp are anything to consider.
That thing in Buck’s chest has grown in the last ten minutes, expanded and sank its claws in as Buck looks around what he’s coming to realize has to be his happy place if it’s evoking such a visceral response.
“I think I get it now.”
It was Eddie’s turn to swallow. “Get what?”
“Why everyone considered you in every decision that’s been made since I woke up. Why Maddie thinks you’re my person now. Why I carry that polaroid in my wallet like a lovesick fool. Why my chest felt so tight until I walked into your house.”
Eddie looks cautious, hands still shoved deep in his pockets as his eyes flicker over every square inch of Buck’s face, “Why… Why is that, Buck?”
Buck inhales and exhales roughly. “Because I consider you in every decision I make. Because you are my person. Because I love you. Because this feels like my safe place. Because I’ve managed to find the one thing I’ve been searching for my whole fucking life, Eddie, and I found it with you.”
“Buck–”
“Family, belonging, being loved and appreciated. We have that… Right? We have that. Here. Together.”
Eddie looks like he’s trying not to have an aneurysm, and Buck stares at him, blinking in confusion.
“Buck…” Eddie starts and trails off. “You–I… We don’t–”
Buck’s shoulder slumps, and he feels like he’s been sucker punched. Did he just… When he gets his memories back, he’s going to be so mad at himself.
Eddie tries to laugh, but it feels stilted and stuck. “We haven’t… You’ve never said any–We’re just friends.”
“Oh.”
“I…”
Buck pads over to the couch and flops down, hands covering his face. “I don’t know how I read the situation so wrong… I’m so sorry.”
“No, it’s–”
“You said we’ve been together like six years?”
Eddie flushes. “I thought you meant, like…how long had we known each other and been friends.”
“You called us partners.”
“We are partners. At work.”
Buck pulls out his wallet and smacks it on the coffee table with a loud thwack. “The polaroid? It’s…”
“I didn’t know anything about that.” Eddie clears his throat and sits beside Buck on the couch. “Can I see it?”
“No!” Buck shouts, embarrassed suddenly. Buck tapped his index finger against his forehead several times as he spoke. “I just confessed to being totally in love with you because the current version of me is without a doubt head over heels. You cannot see that picture. Forget I said anything about it. Current Buck would be… running away right now if he was in this fucking dome.”
“Buck–”
“I should’ve never come here. I can’t believe I was so wrong.”
“Well, if you’d listen to–”
Buck felt panic rising in his chest. “Oh, when I get my memories back, I’ll never be able to speak to you again. Our friendship is done. I don’t know what the Buck you know is like, but… Oh, I’ve done it now. Me and this stupid mouth are always assuming shit.”
“Buck, it’s not just you–”
“And now I have to go back to Maddie’s with my tail tucked between my legs–”
“Buck!” Eddie shouts, grabbing Buck by the shoulders and turning him until they are face to face. Inches between them. “If you’d shut up for just two seconds, you’d hear me saying it’s not just you. It’s not just you that feels that way.”
Buck rolls his eyes. “I’m so glad you also feel embarrassed, Eddie–”
“Oh my god, you’re an idiot.”
Then Eddie is kissing Buck.
On the lips.
And Buck is frozen for a few seconds too long.
“Okay, well, now I’m embarrassed.”
Buck licks his lips, swallows down the panic that’s been slowly bubbling under his skin, and plants a hand on Eddie’s knee. “Try again.”
Eddie stares at Buck for a moment. “Are you sure? I know you don’t… You don’t remember me, and that’s okay. You will, and we can have this big, life-altering moment then.”
“I don’t remember you,” Buck agrees matter-of-factly. “But my body does. My mind knows you even if I can’t quite place you yet.”
“I don’t want to take advantage of you.”
Buck shakes his head. “I get it… But… even if my brain thinks it’s in the past, it still can’t forget you. You’re everywhere. In my phone apps, in every conversation I have, in all the pictures, in every facet of my daily life. But most importantly, you’re right here,” Buck takes Eddie’s hand and places it delicately over Buck’s heart. “This only settled when I climbed in your truck and came home, Eddie.”
“Twelve hours ago, you were scared of me.”
“Yeah, well, hard to be in denial about something that’s so obvious.”
Eddie swallows, the movement forcing their hands to fall as he scoots back from Buck. “We should wait then. We’ll both still feel this way even when you get your memories back, right?”
“I have no doubt in my mind.”
“Then… tell me you love me when you remember me, okay?” Eddie asks. Almost begs.
Buck nods. “I can do that. Promise you’ll say it back?”
Eddie smiles softly. “I can do that.”
***
It takes three weeks for Buck’s memories to come back.
Buck went back to Maddie’s house after that night with Eddie. It just didn’t feel right to stay there knowing everything between them was so precarious and off-kilter at the moment, and Buck was of sound enough mind to recognize being near him without knowing him and their story would only hurt Eddie in the long run.
So he went back to Maddie’s, who only gave him a look of understanding and a sisterly hug that Buck melted into before locking himself away for two days.
They cleared him for work after the first week. His scans came back clear, and all of his blood work was normal, so Dr. Stein couldn’t think of any reason to keep him out of the station any longer.
Going to the station was… an experience.
Everyone was happy to see him. They welcomed him back to work, and he went through the ropes of figuring out where his place was now that six years had passed. Turns out, he and Eddie really were partners, and that was awkward to navigate in the beginning. Now they were operating at 100% much to the surprise of the entire crew.
But it was like muscle memory. The job and working with Eddie.
Eddie knew every move or plan Buck could concoct, and he always had his back. Made sure he knew that even if he thought Buck was doing something stupid, he’d be there.
They didn’t talk outside of work though. A line had been drawn in the sand between them, and Buck refused to hurt Eddie anymore than he already had. The way Eddie would look at him when he walked in for shift, hopeful and desperate, was enough to drive Buck mad.
But the days keep passing, time keeps moving, and Buck’s memories aren’t coming back.
Until…
It happened one night at two in the morning when he should’ve been sleeping, but he couldn’t. Instead, he found himself finally grabbing the small photo album out of his bag and opening it slowly.
The first picture is of Christopher when he was just a baby. It makes him chuckle as he reads the back then flips back to study it. There’s a small post-it on the front, the handwriting small and scratchy, that reads ‘Chris insisted on this one… I lost the battle.’
Buck flips to the next one, a small smile on his lips as he stares down at a picture of Buck and Eddie at some kind of party. Buck’s wearing enough beads to get through Mardi Gras and strumming an inflatable guitar while Eddie wears a gold, frilly bow around his neck and stares down at Buck.
The next picture is of Buck and Christopher building some kind of lego set in Eddie’s living room next to a Christmas tree.
Then Eddie and Chris on halloween.
Then Buck and Eddie at the station helping Chris down the pole.
Then a picture of Buck sleeping on Eddie’s couch.
Then a picture of Eddie and Chris asleep in a hospital bed.
Then a picture of Buck and Eddie, sooty and disgusting, giving the camera a thumbs up.
It goes on and on and on that way until Buck feels tears leaking down his face. They splash the protective coverings, and Buck wipes at it until he finally just snaps the book closed and tosses it.
He’s not even sure why he’s crying.
Scratch that, he knows exactly why he’s crying. Because he’s so fucking loved by a little family he can’t fucking remember no matter how hard he tries. It feels like he had something so good, and it was ripped away from him in the blink of an eye.
So he cries. He cries until he falls asleep.
And when Maddie and Chim come into his room, concern painted over the features as they shake his shoulders to wake him up from a nightmare, he cries again.
“Buck?” Maddie says softly, combing his hair lightly as she wipes at his cheeks. Buck clings to her, and she holds him. “Buck… It’s okay. You’re okay.”
“I… I was so scared, Maddie,” he confesses. “I was laying there, and I… I was so scared. I couldn’t move.”
“Oh, Evan.”
“I hit my head, and I thought I was going to die.”
Maddie rubs his back with Chim at her side squeezing his shoulder. “I know… I know. But you didn’t.”
***
Buck rubs his sweaty palms on his jeans then knocks on the door. It doesn’t take long before he hears the sound of footsteps over the cartoons playing, and he inhales swiftly when Eddie opens the door wide.
He’s wearing a henley, worn jeans, and socks. His dark hair is wet and curling slightly around his forehead. He’d shaved his mustache a week or so ago, and Buck missed it. Damn, he looked good with that mustache.
“Buck?” Eddie asks. He looks around then back at Buck. “Everything okay?”
Buck nods, mouth too dry to speak suddenly. He clears his throat. “Can we talk?”
Understanding flickers across Eddie’s features, and he steps outside into Buck’s space, eyes wide and full of hope. “Do you…?”
“I remember.” Buck exhales, a wet laugh stuck in his throat. “I remember, Eddie. I remember you and Chris–god, I miss you guys. I remember the way you make me feel, and I told you as soon as I remembered I’d be here.”
Eddie grabs Buck’s face in his hands. “You said something else too.”
Buck smiles, narrowing his eyes playfully. “Did I?”
“You fucking did. Please, Buck… Say it,” Eddie pleads, swallowing like Buck might tell him it was a joke the whole time.
And Buck can’t have that.
“I love you,” Buck tells him, rough and raspy, and he wraps an arm around Eddie’s waist, pulls him into his chest, and stares into his dark eyes. “I love you. Have for way too long.”
Eddie presses his lips to Buck’s roughly, like he’s terrified Buck might disappear before him, and Buck can’t help the way he takes. He presses into him, pulls Eddie closer until he’s not sure where he ends and Eddie begins.
“I love you,” Eddie murmurs against his lips, teeth scraping across Buck’s bottom lip, and he moans into Eddie’s mouth. “Don’t ever do that again. I… I can’t be away from you this way.”
“I won’t,” Buck says, tilting Eddie’s head so he can deepen the kiss. Buck’s tongue skates over the seam of Eddie’s lips before plunging inside, licking at the desperation and fire there until he feels that wave of tension in his chest calming. Buck pulls away slightly, resting their foreheads together. “It was so fascinating.”
Eddie chuckles roughly. “What was?”
“The fact that I knew you even when I didn’t.” Buck brushes his lips over Eddie’s once, twice. “Sometimes home isn’t a place. It’s a person, a family.”
“Buck…”
Buck sighs contentedly. “Let me come home, Eddie.”
Eddie smiles, presses a kiss to Buck’s lips, his chin, his jaw. “Come on, Buck. Let me welcome you back.”
***
In the end, Buck’s grateful his loft burnt down.
It gave him the push he needed to land in Eddie’s arms, and Buck’s not sure he ever wants to leave.