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Ira first notices it when she catches Tawan in the corner backstage at one of her shows smiling sweetly at the screen of her phone. Not her professional satellite phone, but her personal one. Still dressed in iridescent white and covered in glitter, she stands in the shadows for a moment, taking in the unexpected and captivating sight, because Tawan smiles so rarely, and when she does, it's almost always at Ira and her charming antics.
While it is lovely, a thought cuts through Ira’s affections, creeping green straight into her youthful overblown heart, precisely because Tawan never smiles like that. It is wide, radiant, and so, so beautiful. It is a sinister weight, then, Ira feels, to be jealous of whatever it is that might be bringing this kind of smile to the face of her sullen bodyguard.
But when Ira finally decides to go to her, longing for the company within her strong arms, when their eyes meet in the darkness of the backstage, Tawan immediately puts her cell phone in her pocket, looking at the musician as if she had been caught red-handed, quickly trying to compose herself and offer a restrained smile, remaining professional in public.
But the feeling sinks into Ira faster than she can stop it. She slows her steps, staring at her bodyguard from a distance, frowning. Tawan blinks slowly, but doesn’t move from her spot, arms behind her back, perfect posture in her dark suit, eyes up. But it’s already done, Ira knows, because these days she can see right through what Tawan keeps away from the surface.
Maybe not this, and she realizes that it hurts her far more than it angers her.
“I’m going to change.” she announces coolly, from afar, detouring her to her dressing room, followed by the nagging feeling that something is wrong.
The second time, it's a terrible surprise.
Tawan was supposed to meet her with beef noodles and bubble tea, their favorite take-out. It was the end of a week that had been exhausting, where she had been unable to be anything but the idol and Tawan had been unable to be anything but the bodyguard, their only interactions reduced to distant, yearning glances, hands almost reaching out across spaces too vast for them to reach. This would be the time allowed for them, to enjoy a simple meal in the comfort of Ira’s studio.
When Agent Kriang, Tawan’s apprentice, comes running in, tripping over the packages with guilty smile, Ira can’t hide her disappointment, though her voice comes out angrier and more authoritative than she intended.
“Where is she, Khun Kriang?”
The man looks devastated. “Something urgent came up, Khun Ira. Boss didn’t want to leave you hanging and the food was going to get cold. She asked me to come and apologize on her behalf.”
“And what is this that just came up out of nowhere?” Ira crosses her arms, frowning.
She knows it still sounds bad, but in truth, secretly, she finds herself feeling more worried than suspicious, because Tawan has never failed to come to her, not once.
“I couldn’t really tell you, Khun Ira, I couldn’t pry. But I know she’s safe, and that she very much wants you to eat before you go about your day.”
Ira takes a deep breath, closing her eyes. She wants to send the poor, harmless man back to Tawan to announce that she won’t take a single bite until Tawan feeds her herself, like she usually does with her chopsticks when Ira least expects it. But she relents, feeling childish, knowing deep down that Tawan would never stand her up for something insignificant.
She reaches out to take the bags of food from Kriang’s hands and nods softly at him. “Have lunch with me, then? I don’t like eating alone.”
Thankfully, perhaps immediately forgiving her for her blunt behavior, the agent smiles brightly. “It would be my honor, Khun Ira.”
Three times is not a charm, it's an outrage.
As the long busy days go by, Ira becomes aware of the little details in Tawan’s behavior that tug at her heartstrings a little tighter each time. Strange escapes, glances at her personal phone, distant eyes as if she’s preoccupied with something. When around Ira, she’s still kind, caring and protective, but it only takes a single moment for her to slip away and stare off into the distance with an undisguised distraction from reality. She’s absent more often and has less time to spend with her than she used to.
Ira would like to make unreasonable demands and ask for honest explanations, but the truth is that all she feels is anguish and helplessness. In her solitude, she keeps trying to figure out what could be driving Tawan further and further away from her, if she did something to hurt her, if she is just tired of everything in her chaotic world.
Ira wonders if Tawan regrets loving her.
But she is not having it.
She's spent half a lifetime searching for this love, and she's not about to lose it.
She orders the agents to wait in the car and marches hard to Tawan's company building, heading knowingly, without needing passes or permissions, for the bodyguard's office. She'll push and scold, if necessary, but Tawan will tell her the reason for all of this or she'll be the one, Ira promises herself, to give her cold shoulders.
As she bursts through the doors, however, her confidence falters, her eyes widening as she finds Tawan alone, leaning lightly against the large window of her office, bathed in afternoon sunlight.
A lump forms in Ira’s throat, aching all over.
“N'Ira?” Tawan is moving as soon as she sees her, rushing to check her from head to toe, touching her gently. “What happened? Why aren’t Agent Kriang and Agent Prayut with you? Are you hurt? Answer me.”
Ira shakes her head no, but she can't say a word, her lips trembling and tears beginning to spill from her eyelids. Weeks of pent-up tension, unexplained fears, away from her warmth, all building Ira to the brink of collapse as she cries and Tawan holds her desperately, reaching for her, her beautiful brown eyes wide with worry.
She can't hold it in any longer, then. Ira whimpers through her tears, turning away from her gaze, instinctively clutching her hands in Tawan's black jacket as if to ensure that she won't disappear from her life again.
“What did I do?” She asks with throbbing fear.
Tawan almost recoils, perplexed. “What are you talking about?”
“What did I do that’s making you walk away from me?”
Ira doesn't miss how Tawan's eyes widen and her mouth goes slack and a wicked agony spreads across her face, though it doesn't ease her own. The bodyguard shakes her head no and takes Ira in her arms, holding her so tight and warm that the musician feels herself pouring over her, softened at last.
“Look at me.” Tawan asks gently, her thumbs running over Ira’s cheeks, and she’s tired enough to comply. “You didn’t do anything wrong, you couldn’t. It's me. I’m an idiot.”
“You’re not.” This makes Ira cry a little harder, hating that she’s putting herself down.
“Yes, I am. I kept you in the dark without explanation and I didn’t even realize how much it must be hurting you. It’s not what I wanted, I made a mess out of it. I’ll tell you everything, if you can forgive me and trust me. I promise.”
Ira had probably never seen her so downcast before.
“My bodyguard...” She finally took a deep breath and couldn’t help but let out a shaky, almost incredulous laugh. “Don’t you know I trust you my entire life?”
It’s almost dusk when they head to Tawan’s apartment, silences lingering, hands intertwined the entire way. Ira’s fears are now misunderstandings hanging around them, waiting for the truth, whatever it may be. Tawan leads her through the building with those eyes still distant, but now finally searching for her at every turn, offering a restrained but still truthful smile.
“N'Ira...” At the door, Tawan holds her hands firmly and gently, a newfound solemnity rattling through Ira’s nerves. “A few weeks ago, I found something that needed me, and I thought I had to keep it separate from you. And that was my mistake, because I want you to be a part of everything about me.”
Ira just nods tenderly, and Tawan knows she forgives her.
She then opens the door and turns on the lights, and the truth revealed makes Ira choke.
In a corner near the balcony, with a trail of pillows, toys and an overturned bowl of food all around, nothing less than a dog sleeps peacefully. A golden retriever puppy, without a care in the world, in a tiny blue cuddler bed with a star pattern.
Tawan takes her hand and pulls her inside, trying not to disturb the silence. Ira watches her step, walking in the low light, gazing in wonder at the small sleeping animal, Tawan standing behind her filled with anticipation and some lingering fear.
Ira can't help but notice that he has a split ear, there are scars on his furry body, and one of his front paws is wrapped in gauze and iodine. But his fur is so shiny and soft-looking and he is sleeping so peacefully, and Ira is moved from surprise to wonder.
“I found him in an abandoned warehouse near the docks,” Tawan whispers beside her, and Ira remembers that she likes to wander the docks to think. “He was bleeding and starving. He tried to bite my agents and the vet and even the doorman. While he’s never been hostile to me, I’ve been trying to train him, but it’s not going so well. Kriang has a mark on his hand to prove it.”
Ira is finally able to understand.
Tawan, her bodyguard, always trying to keep her safe.
She takes a deep breath and cradles Tawan's distraught face, smiling at her. Then, brave as she is, she walks towards the sleeping little furball, sitting in front of his bed with her legs crossed, just looking at him without touching him, all under Tawan's fierce and alert gaze.
“Hey, little one.” Ira whispers to the puppy. “I’m Ira, Tawan’s girlfriend.”
Without her meaning to, the sound of the keeper’s name causes the golden retriever to open his eyes and stretch adorably, yawning on his cuddler bed, filling the hearts of both women in the room with affection. But Tawan tenses, waiting for the outburst where the poor pup gets scared and bites to protect himself.
But then, nothing. He sits up and his little head comes up to meet Ira's face, and it seems to linger and take Tawan's breath away how close they are right now. Ira, though, smiles at him, trusting and soft, leaning in so he can smell her and feel her presence.
It's beautiful and precious how it blossoms.
At first, he flinches around and backs away a little, but then, with his tail spinning like a helicopter propeller and his paws flexing upward, he leaps straight at Ira, making her gasp with laughter and hold him tightly, receiving licks on her fingers, his head rubbing beneath her palms in pure youthful joy.
The sight overwhelms Tawan’s heart, because Ira laughs so openly as she strokes the puppy hard behind the ears, his furry little body curling softly in her lap, his tongue lolling out. She looks back at the bodyguard with genuine joy, and a fondness in her eyes that makes Tawan take a deep breath.
“What’s his name?” Ira is pecking him on the head when she asks, dodging the lick he tries to turn on her nose. But the answer never comes, making her look for Tawan near them. “Baby...?”
The bodyguard looks caught in the headlights, eyes wide, shoulders tense, an expression of embarrassment and guilt and shyness all at once. She swallows hard and runs her fingers through her long raven hair, something she always does when she’s nervous, and while the image is usually appetizing to Ira, now it makes her frown in confusion.
“His name is… Xīngxīng.” Tawan sighs. “It’s the Chinese word for Star. I just thought that since you’re the Moon and I’m the Sun, and his golden fur reminds me of your eyes, it might…” She suddenly stops, even more mortified, realizing that she was uncontrollably confessing the silly thoughts that had consumed her when she’d chosen the puppy’s name. “It’s so stupid.” She composes herself. “Can we just forget about it?”
But Ira’s eyes are already wide, her mouth hanging open with the sweet revelation, and perhaps little Xīngxīng can feel her heart beating like a drum, because he paws at her chest and barks softly, climbing up her body. Ira holds him still in her arms, a smile trying to creep across her face. But she nods, a gentle understanding taking hold of her
“Come over here?”
She holds up her hand, steady and waiting.
And Tawan goes, because where else in the world would she rather go?
She sits carefully beside them on the couch, trying not to disturb the now soundly sleeping dog, slumped over Ira in the most comfortable corner of the apartment, making short, adorable coos. But Ira is less concerned, feeling the heavy pup asleep in her lap, so she leans down to cradle Tawan’s still tense jaw in both her hands and draw her in for a slow, lingering kiss, Tawan’s body having to balance itself on the couch, but never wanting to stop or slow Ira down, breathing into her, thinking she can live inside her kiss.
Ira pulls away slightly, their noses brushing against each other, eyes closed in lethargy, beginning to press brief pecks to her lips as if she can’t leave her touch for long. “You are.” Another peck. “The most precious thing.” And another peck. “In the world.” And one more. “Did you know that?” She concludes with a genuine laugh, leaning their foreheads together in a shared moment of everlasting tenderness.
Tawan, on the other hand, is silently perplexed.
She’s been called many things, but precious wasn’t on the list, not until now.
Xīngxīng suddenly stirs in Ira’s lap and the musician immediately returns her attention to him, scratching his back and playing with her fingers around his muzzle, the puppy lashing out at her with light, harmless bites before jumping back up on her. Tawan just watches with an inevitable growing commotion as Ira rolls around with the golden retriever on the couch, making wrestling sounds, pretending to have him overpower her, lying on the seat as he licks her all over her face and she laughs heartily.
Tawan thinks she could have a lifetime of this.
Ira fights back and lifts the puppy by his tummy, holding him suspended and out of reach. “There! I got you now, villain!” She laughs as he shakes his paws in the air, writhing around trying to get free. Tawan, who had been watching in amazement until then, feels infected by their laughter and playfulness, leaning over them on the couch and tickling Ira’s sides, joining Xīngxīng and finally freeing him from the prison of Ira’s long arms on the couch.
Tawan can't help but laugh out loud at Ira's fake betrayed and indignant expression, who lets the puppy gently headbutt her neck while she grabs Tawan with her legs and arms, trying to pin her down on her own body, laughing with her, a symphonic inevitability of a kind of happiness that is rare for them to enjoy.
The musician and the bodyguard, one constantly under the pressure of lights and crowds; and the other constantly vigilant of threats and dangers, their relationship built in brief times stolen through everyday life, filled with passion and will and devotion in small acquaintances and exchanges stored in memory, but brief, nonetheless.
When one of Xīngxīng's squeaky toys slides onto the floor and the sound sends him leaping happily off the couch to chase the spring-loaded ball rolling into the corner, both women finally stop, and it's another moment that dethrones time and reduces everything to the eyes of them plunging into each other.
Ira is flushed, laughing, strands of her ash-blonde hair scattered across her face and around her head, breathing heavily, her legs still wrapped around the bodyguard and her hands sliding from her shoulders to her chest, feeling her strong heartbeat in the same speed.
Tawan just looks at her tenderly, straddling her, until she can no longer resist and falls in for a kiss, pressing and pulling away until Ira herself can't take it anymore, pulling her down by her neck, sinking into each other, then slowly slowing down, until Tawan is lying back with her head on Ira's chest, resting her ear over the musician's heart.
“Thank you.” Ira whispers after a moment of silence, stroking her hair.
“For what?”
“For deciding to trust me with Xīngxīng, even when I was nothing more than a jealous brat and you owed me nothing.”
“Don’t.” Tawan turns to look at her, holding her close. “Same as you, I trust you with my life, Ira. I’m so sorry for pushing you away. I’ll never do that again.”
“I thought you didn’t want me anymore...” She confesses weakly, tightening her grip on her body. “Like you were just preparing me to disappear from me again.”
Tawan wants to kiss and hold her until there’s not a single inconceivable thought like that left.
“I love you, Ira.” It’s a promise then. “I think I was just afraid you guys wouldn’t get along. As if it's possible not to like you...”
“I love you too.” Ira chuckles and drops her hand from the couch to snap her fingers near the floor, immediately hearing the golden retriever’s paws approaching, quickly nuzzling his head in for her hand to pet. “And as if it’s possible not to like him, you mean.”
Ira was wrong before.
This is one, right here, is truly the most precious thing in the world.
“Jump on here, my tiny agent.” Tawan picks him up to climb in with them, sliding next to Ira on the couch, still entwined with her, but letting Xīngxīng curl up into a sweet furball on top of Ira’s stomach, almost immediately falling asleep again.
Surprisingly, then, Tawan turns to say something and finds Ira with her eyes closed, breathing so softly, guessing that she, like another little puppy, has also just fallen asleep.
The bodyguard, loyal to her duty, stands close and safe, watching over them for a whole night, her Moon and Star, until the Sun rises in the East and breaks through the windows, its mighty light pouring over Ira and Xīngxīng in a golden glow.
And it is Tawan herself personified, Sun, light and heat, keeping them from the cold rest of the world.