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Yerim was not excited at all to leave her house that night. Busan was starting to bore her, as there were no longer places in South Korea’s second-largest city that she hadn’t visited. Her lack of enthusiasm for everything also justified her immense desire to stay in the comfort of her small, white apartment. She used to be quite the party girl until about two years ago and loved going out with her friends, especially with Park Chaewon, her best friend. They had been inseparable since childhood, growing up together, always attending the same school and being in the same class — in fact, for the last two years of middle school, they were placed in different classes, but fortunately, they were reunited in high school and graduated together — and they even go to the same college, but in different majors. Yerim loved dance, while Chaewon was passionate about fashion. Completely different fields of study, but as Kim Jungeun — one of their closest friends, who joined their lives during college four years ago — used to say, “Mr. Park’s money moves mountains.” The girls were basically soulmates. At least, Yerim considered Chaewon her soulmate.
But not everything is perfect, and their friendship began to falter. It was their second year of college, and it all started with someone who entered their circle of friends, including Jungeun and Chaewon: Son Hyeju. But who is Son Hyeju, and why is Choi and Park’s friendship no longer the same? Simple. Both harbored romantic feelings for Son Hyeju, but the difference was that no one knew about Yerim’s feelings for their new friend.
They met Son during a party on the college campus, when Yerim bumped into Hyeju and both fell onto the lawn. It was love at first sight, at least for Choi, with her purple hair. She had never felt such strange things for anyone; Hyeju left her confused at first, and she had to discover on her own that it was love.
“— I’m sorry! I swear I didn’t see you.” — The redhead tried to explain, completely flustered and feeling guilty for knocking down the cute purple-haired girl from the dance department. They were classmates in the same major but had different schedules, although Hyeju had already seen Yerim around campus. Her hair was unmistakable; no one else had hair that color. And while Hyeju tried to apologize and stood up, Choi was lost in her thoughts, in a trance. That was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen in her twenty years of life. Her full, triangular-shaped lips, large, striking eyes, red hair… absolutely every detail about that woman seemed to have been crafted with the utmost care and effort in the world. She didn’t believe in God or angels, but if they existed, she knew that God and the angels had taken special care to create Hyeju. She blinked a few times as she saw the girl snap her fingers in front of her face and smiled shyly.
“— No, no… it’s okay. I was really distracted too. We’re even on this one.” — They exchanged glances for a few seconds and smiled shyly until they heard Chaewon’s sweet, melodic voice calling for Yerim.
“— I saw you both fall from the window of the music room. Are you okay? Did you get hurt badly?” — The blonde was worried, and that’s when it all started. Hyeju froze where she stood and was left speechless, impressed by the gentle and calm demeanor, the striking face, and the completely hydrated and wavy blonde hair of the one who had just arrived, shifting her attention from Yerim to Chaewon. To Son, that was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. Yerim noticed the bright look in the eyes of the woman who had bumped into her directed at her best friend, but she stayed quiet. Despite being a little “sunshine” who couldn’t stop talking even for a millisecond, she was very observant. And at that moment, she knew it was better not to say too much.
“— We’re okay, right?” — Choi turned to the redhead, with a small, awkward smile from sensing the atmosphere between her and her best friend. The redhead nodded, and Chaewon then gave a wide smile, worthy of a toothpaste advertisement. They remained in an awkward silence for long seconds, at least awkward for the girl with purple hair.
“— I’m Park Chaewon, and this is my best friend Choi Yerim.” — The short blonde took the initiative to start a conversation to break the ice, looking the redhead up and down without any hesitation. Yerim even chuckled discreetly, noticing that her friend was not subtle at all.
“— Nice to meet you, Yerim and Chaewon. I’m Son Hyeju, from the dance major.” — She then smiled, making her eyes disappear due to how wide and big her smile was, revealing her extremely adorable gummy smile.
“— Really? Yerim is also in the dance major! And I’m in fashion. But we only study in the mornings.” — Without losing her toothpaste-commercial smile, Chaewon kept talking non-stop. It was strange, because usually, it was Yerim who talked more than she should while Park stayed quiet. Now it was the blonde who was doing all the talking, and her best friend remained silent the whole time, only speaking when addressed. Despite feeling embarrassed and awkward in the middle of the two who were flirting the entire time, the three spent the whole night chatting, learning more about each other, and even made plans to go out together the following weekend to a new pub that had recently opened and that Yerim had heard about. That was the door to Choi’s (un)happiness.
And, thanks to that fall, the three became inseparable, along with Jungeun. But, as time passed, Chaewon and Hyeju grew closer than usual. They went everywhere together in Busan; Chaewon would always stay a bit longer at the college just to see Hyeju during the afternoon classes; on Son’s Instagram, there were more photos of Chaewon than of herself… they became inseparable. And Yerim did not like this growing closeness between them at all, feeling jealous of her best friend for seeing her do her favorite activities with Son. What irritated her the most was knowing that Chaewon and Hyeju matched better than she would ever match with either of them. Yerim was completely different from the two, did not share the same interests, and for that reason, was often left out. Even Jungeun managed to fit in with them and not feel out of place, as the three thought alike on every topic, unlike Yerim.
She would be lying if she said she didn’t feel envy, because she did. It was the first person Yerim had ever loved in her life and her soulmate together. She had every right to feel sad! But no one knew about her feelings for Hyeju, as all her friends supported the duo affectionately nicknamed HyeWon . They were the ultimate relationship goals, according to Jungeun. And that killed Yerim inside. Not just because of this “forbidden” love, but also because she didn’t have anyone she could confide in, vent to, and not be judged. She didn’t trust anyone enough to share her precious and selfish secret. No one would understand her.
And what made her gradually distance herself from the two wasn’t everything mentioned above, surprisingly. The breaking point that almost drove Choi to madness was a simple post on Park’s Instagram. But what was it about this post? The caption.
“You taught me what love is, and I’m grateful for you being my soulmate. Ilysm, Son Hyeju.” This phrase was accompanied by various heart symbols. It meant that Yerim was dead to her, that they were no longer soulmates. Or perhaps she had never been her best friend’s soulmate at all. Was she being exaggerated and dramatic? A little.
And that was why she was so unenthusiastic about going out with Chaewon once again. She was exhausted with herself, with her selfish thoughts and feelings that were leading her to ruin, destroying her colorful and sunny world and taking away the sparkle that used to be in her eyes. Exhausted from hurting the people she loved most, exhausted from disappointing those she cared about, for being so unstable and needing someone so desperately by her side. She knew that no one had any idea about her feelings for Hyeju (at least she hoped no one knew), but she blamed and tortured herself more and more with the possibility that one day they would find out. And yes, the invitation for that meeting had been made by Park. Choi had endured her feelings for too long; she might even have been toxic and selfish, but she couldn’t take it anymore. Her chest tightened, her head felt heavy, and guilt filled her every day and second of her miserable life. She blamed herself for loving the love of her best friend’s life, almost a sister. She blamed herself for not being enough for her best friend, for not being a good friend, for making Chaewon grow tired of her and drift away. And with the guilt came ways to cope with the pain. She had developed new vices, bad ones — cigarettes, a compulsion for studying, and dance. It was like an escape valve for her. Dance had always been her passion, so it wasn’t inconvenient for her to stay late at the college practicing new moves and reading a little more to perfect her techniques and knowledge. Due to the immense pressure she put on herself to be perfect, she carried numerous bruises on her body. Abdomen, thighs, arms, elbows, knees… Yerim’s entire body was marked with purplish and greenish bruises. She had never demanded so much perfection from herself as she did now, because she wanted, at least once in so long, to feel like she could impress someone, to make someone feel proud of her.
But what really surprises is the nicotine addiction, which was totally sudden and unexpected, as Choi abhorred cigarettes more than anything. However, we all know that the world is always spinning, whether around itself or around the sun… it never stops spinning. People change, people mature, people change their tastes and opinions. So, the current brunette found a way to distract herself from everything with cigarettes and dance. Two cigarettes a day was her limit, but when things like “Chaewon and Hyeju” happened, she would often go beyond what she could handle, even smoking a whole pack or two. She condemned herself for having such an abominable addiction, for finding her comfort and her end in something so useless. She did all of this in an attempt to remove those uncomfortable pains from her life and her heart. She had changed so much that she abandoned her bright purple hair, which she had loved and kept for four years, returning to being a brunette like in the early days of high school. The dark hair reflected her personality more; she felt less childish and a bit more mature, more adult and more serious with that appearance. But she wouldn’t deny it: she looked much prettier now with black hair.
Yerim was lost in thought on her balcony, with her cigarette between her middle and index fingers, looking at the bright, noisy, and large city in front of her, completely ignoring a desperate Park Chaewon craving for attention. The moonlight reflected on her face, and she turned her head slightly toward the sky, observing the beautiful natural satellite that illuminated that troubled and cursed city. She took another drag of nicotine and exhaled the smoke through her nose, surrendering to listen to what the blonde had to say to her.
— Choerry, please. All you do is study and smoke. When you’re not studying, you’re cooped up inside smoking! How long has it been since you went out with your friends? Hyeju misses you. — The blonde whined to her friend, kneeling beside her. Yerim found such humiliation pathetic, as it was Chaewon’s choice to get closer to her girlfriend and completely forget the person who had been with her throughout her entire life, since the wombs of their mothers. The brunette took another drag from her cigarette and sighed, extinguishing it in the ashtray that was resting against the glass of the balcony.
They sat in silence for long minutes, with Chaewon watching her best friend and the brunette simply gazing at the moon, tired of it all. She was as wrong in this story as the couple; she was aware that she was being selfish and egocentric, but she would never admit it. Park no longer recognized her friend and had no idea what had happened that was so serious that her sunshine had turned into such a dark, cold, and quiet woman. She was worried about her. They were still best friends, even though Chaewon preferred her girlfriend, Hyeju, over her friend. She knew she was wrong for excluding her heart sister and even thought that Yerim might be this way because of her actions. That’s why she invited her to go out together. A few bottles of soju, the smell of Yerim’s cigarette, and the two of them at a bar with karaoke that they loved to frequent at the beginning of their courses.
— Please, Yerim… I want to make amends with you for forgetting about you, for choosing my relationship over you. Remember when we drank for the first time? It was at that karaoke place, and I got sick. You’ve always had a better tolerance than I do, but we stumbled through the streets of Busan, arms around each other, and woke up at Jungeun’s house not knowing what had happened. — The blonde recalled one of the most unforgettable days they had together, making the brunette let out a weak laugh.
— You know that I love you very much. I want to gradually recover everything we lost, and I want you to become that little sun you always were. My little sun. — Chaewon was pouting while watching Choi, who pondered for a few minutes, playing with her fingers and glancing sideways at her best friend, who looked at her like Puss in Boots from Shrek. Maybe it’s not so bad, right? She might not admit it to herself or anyone else, but everyone — including herself — knew that she missed Chaewon more than anything in the world. She clicked her tongue on the roof of her mouth and sighed, turning to the tearful blonde next to her.
— Ok, let’s go before I change my mind. — She gave a weak smile, getting up while putting her pack of cigarettes in her pants pocket. She wasn’t going to change clothes, as that karaoke bar wasn’t frequented by people who were always dressed up. At most, they were people who came out exhausted from work to drink and sing with friends. She wore a regular pair of jeans like all the others she had, a short lilac top that showed a bit of her belly and navel, and a simple black high-top All Star. She was going like this and didn’t care. She was just happy to go out again with her best friend after so long, but she wasn’t going to show too much happiness.
…
Excited. Yerim felt excited after a few months, almost a year, of so much sadness and discouragement. And her excitement didn’t come from hours of dancing or legal drugs; it was because of someone. They were going to spend time together, and nothing could shake her happiness. Well, that’s what she thought. Until her smile faded as soon as she saw the red-haired woman approaching her and the blonde at the bar door when they arrived. Hyeju was leaning against the wall of the bar, fiddling with her phone, and her attention turned to them as soon as she heard her girlfriend’s voice. Wasn’t it just a night out between the two of them? What was Hyeju doing there? She swallowed hard and considered leaving upon seeing the two share a quick kiss. She turned her face to the side and saw Son’s gray motorcycle parked at the door. She sighed deeply and turned to her as soon as she heard her name being called. She felt extremely upset and down when she realized that it wouldn’t just be the two of them there. She felt deceived.
— Yerimmie, I’ve missed you so much! — Choi’s heart was racing. It was beating irregularly, and she panicked, starting to sweat and feeling her mouth dry. Did Hyeju miss her? Was Hyeju thinking of her? And the owner of Choi’s heart pulled her into a tight embrace. She hesitated but then hugged her back, feeling the comfort she sought in mundane things. It was there that she felt she belonged: in the arms of Son Hyeju, the love of her life.
She loved those tight hugs that Hyeju rarely gave her. Tight hugs that made their hearts beat fast together and in the same rhythm, as if the redhead responded to the feelings of the brunette. The strong and distinctive woody scent of Son was inhaled by their little sun — who hadn’t been a little sun for a while now, it’s worth noting that detail — who held back from smiling foolishly and sighed deeply. She missed the time they spent together so much; she felt angry at herself for losing the friendship of two people so important to her over a silly crush. But she knew it wasn’t a silly crush; it would never just be that. Hyeju was her first love, and she would always have an effect on Yerim, and nothing could change that.
— It’s been a while, Hye. — She pulled away from her and smiled weakly.
— I forgot to mention that she’s coming too. Is that a problem? — Chaewon smiled, wrapping her arm around her girlfriend while watching Yerim. And if she had the courage, she would tell the couple that it was indeed a problem. Everyone, in fact. But she decided to stay silent and just shook her head. She followed the two inside the bar, letting them know she was going to the counter, leaving the couple behind. She sat down on one of those small stools and sighed, running her hands through her dark hair. She felt like screaming and going home, but she had already made the effort to come, so she stayed. She turned to the bartender and made the order she always placed when she frequented the place: somek. She picked up her first glass, glancing at the empty stage in front of her. Would she dare to sing? She had no idea what she could sing! It had been years since she had been to that karaoke; she was rusty. But oh well…
She gulped down the entire liquid in her small cup of somaek , not caring about the heartburn that was bothering her at that moment. She just wanted to sing, to express her feelings through an innocent song that no one would notice she was dedicating to the love of her life, who was also her best friend’s girlfriend. She turned on the karaoke machine and selected her favorite song, the first one she sang in that place: “I Only Have Eyes for You. ” She took a deep breath, grabbed the microphone from the machine, and pressed play on the music, closing her eyes briefly while telling herself, “ You can do this ,” and then began to sing. People started to dance, holding each other close to the sound of the calm music, including the couple of girlfriends that Yerim was trying to avoid (or wanted to avoid).
“Are the stars out tonight? I don’t know if it’s cloudy or bright. ’Cause I only have eyes for you, dear.”
Chaewon rested her head on Hyeju’s shoulder, who was smiling weakly, and Yerim, from a distance, managed to read the redhead’s lips saying, “ I love you. ” Yes, Choi Yerim was ending her Saturday night, which could have been perfect, could have been peaceful: just her, her cigarette, the moon, and old music, in a karaoke bar full of couples and her best friend dancing with the love of her life to the sound of her favorite song. Her heart was bleeding, her legs no longer had strength, and she felt the air escaping her. She was about to cry but didn’t. She swallowed the tears and simply closed her eyes, feeling the music touch her heart in a way it shouldn’t. A movie where all her good moments with Chaewon and Hyeju played in her mind. She would never forget this song, this occasion, and what she felt on that devastating night.
Choi felt guilty. And the worst part was that it was with good reason, because the other two were truly made for each other; they really matched. Yerim would never have that kind of chemistry with anyone as the two had with each other, and that was what hurt her the most. She would never be happy carrying the burden of loving the love of her best friend’s life.
As soon as she finished singing, Yerim heard the applause of everyone there, including the couple. No one could deny that she had an angelic voice. She wasn’t the best singer in the world, but her soft and melodic tone matched perfectly with songs like that one. Lost among so many people watching her, she saw Hyeju with a proud smile on her lips, clapping, while Chaewon next to her shouted and whistled with enthusiasm. However, amid this display of support, she could no longer hold back her tears. She got off the stage, tears streaming down her face, covering her face with her hands as she ran out of the bar aimlessly, leaving a confused Hyeju and Chaewon behind.
Since it was late and dangerous to wander too far, she thought quickly and simply crossed the street, entering the small square that was there. She sat down on a stone bench, where she felt free to cry. She had been holding back those tears for so long, for so many months… She wanted to stay strong all the time, forgetting that being vulnerable wouldn’t make her weak or inferior. The tears came in an uncontrollable flow as she sobbed, stroking her own neck with her small hands, trying to comfort herself and release all the guilt that haunted her.
She knew it wasn’t her fault, that she didn’t control her own heart, and that she did everything possible to avoid that painful situation. She tried to endure Hyeju’s presence, worked hard to maintain her friendship with Chaewon, chasing after them until she felt exhausted. And now, sitting there, she truly felt worthless, as if she weren’t deserving of love or affection. She isolated herself from everyone, and the worst part was being alone during such a sensitive and challenging phase of her life. With her parents dead and relatives disowning her for coming out as a lesbian at eighteen, her best friends distancing themselves because of their relationships… Yerim had been through so much alone. She was exhausted from being alone, from being replaced by what she considered a silly relationship. She had lost her best friend and, in many ways, her family; now, she only had herself.
She wondered: did she deserve all of this? Was she really that selfish? Had she planted so many bad things throughout her life to reap so much sadness and misfortune? Loneliness enveloped her like a heavy cloak, and as she looked up at the starry sky, she felt that the answers she sought were as distant as the stars above.
She sobbed once more and lifted her head, gazing at her beloved moon. Yerim had an inexplicable passion for the moon. After all, who doesn’t? The moon was just a satellite, but it brought her comfort and peace, making her feel things she couldn’t explain just by looking at it. The moon had become her greatest confidante since Chaewon drifted away, listening to every cry, every lament, and every outpouring of emotion from Choi. If the moon were a person and had feelings, it would probably feel pity for the poor twenty-two-year-old woman sitting there, alone in her pain.
Yerim snapped out of her thoughts and looked down as soon as she noticed a presence beside her. She didn’t even need to turn to guess who it was; she recognized the woman by her floral perfume and the way she sat, with a lightness that always enchanted her. Yes, Yerim was so in love with Hyeju that she even knew the little quirks that almost no one noticed, not even Hyeju herself.
— The moon is beautiful tonight, isn’t it? — The redhead’s voice was soft and low, making Yerim lower her head, nervously starting to play with her fingers. She remained silent, deciding she wouldn’t respond.
— I know you like it; you even have a moon tattooed on your rib. — Hyeju said with a playful smile, and the statement made Yerim wonder how she knew that since she had never been shirtless around the redhead. It was a bit bizarre. She raised an eyebrow and furrowed her brow, trying to remember when she had shown her tattoo to Hyeju, which she had gotten a few months ago on a whim.
— I’ve seen you stay until midnight in the college studio, just in a crop top and sweatpants; don’t think anything too wrong. — Hyeju immediately clarified while laughing softly and shaking her head. Yerim felt a wave of relief wash over her, and a slight smile formed on her lips; it all made sense now.
But even while hearing the woman’s voice beside her, Hyeju’s words seemed distant. Her head felt so heavy that she couldn’t even grasp the words; she could only feel the vibrations and the soft sound of Hyeju’s voice as if she were in a dream. The world around her seemed blurry, and the only thing that truly mattered was the moonlight, silently watching over her as she tried to find solace amidst the whirlwind of feelings inside her.
— Forgive me, Hyeju. — Yerim’s voice came out shaky and choked, perhaps from the tears that consumed her, perhaps from the guilt that gnawed at her inside. Her eyes welled up again as she looked deeply into the eyes of the love of her life, searching for a refuge that felt increasingly distant. Hyeju simply watched her for long seconds, as if trying to decipher the pain hidden behind that sorrowful gaze, and then she embraced her tightly, like bears hug, enveloping her in a warmth that felt like a lifeline amid the storm brewing inside her.
— I’m sorry for being so selfish, for distancing myself from you, for changing… I’m really sorry. — The words came out in disarray, and Hyeju only asked for silence, understanding that Yerim still couldn’t grasp everything she was feeling. Yerim continued to cry in her beloved’s arms, the sound of her lament blending with the whisper of the passing wind, carrying away the remnants of her hopes.
— I love you, Yerim-ah. There’s no need to apologize, okay? Everything is fine, we’re fine. — Hyeju wiped the tears from Choi’s delicate, reddened face, which smiled weakly, as if she were holding herself together to avoid falling apart. The gesture may have seemed silly to the redhead, but for Yerim, that gentle and comforting touch meant the world. She wouldn’t reveal her deep feelings, wouldn’t ruin that precious moment with the reality of her confusion. Instead, she embraced the woman before her, sinking into Hyeju’s intoxicating essence, trying to forget the world around her. This is how Hyeju made Yerim feel: she forgot the bitterness of life, forgot her friends, forgot her own name… she simply felt comfort, felt peace. Hyeju was like the moon on a dark night, her safe harbor in a sea of uncertainties, even if she wasn’t truly hers.
— I love you too, Hyeju. — The words escaped her lips like a desperate whisper, but the weight of the truth between them felt almost unbearable. And so they remained there, embraced in the moonlight, in a deep and reverent silence, simply enjoying each other’s company, caressing and holding on to one another, as if they wanted to merge into a single essence, far away from all the pains of the world. Yerim prayed to the heavens, to the universe, to anyone who would listen, that everything would get better and that, above all, Hyeju wouldn’t hear her heart pounding fiercely, revealing the secrets she kept locked away. Each heartbeat felt like a cruel reminder that the love she felt was like a burning flame in her chest, something that could scorch and consume everything if it weren’t contained.
— I need some time alone, Hyeju. — Her voice trembled, and she saw the flash of concern in Hyeju’s eyes, quickly replaced by a sadness that mirrored her own. Hyeju hesitated, searching for the right words, but the silence between them spoke volumes.
— It’s okay, if you need space… — Hyeju said softly, the resignation in her voice cutting deeper than any knife.
With the warmth of Hyeju’s embrace now a memory, Yerim sank back onto the cold bench, the moonlight no longer offering the comfort it once did. The weight of solitude pressed down on her, crushing her beneath its enormity. She looked up at the stars, their light a cruel reminder of everything she felt she would never have.
In that moment, she realized the love she harbored was not a source of joy but a painful reminder of what could never be. As she sat alone, tears streaming down her cheeks, the world around her continued to spin, oblivious to her suffering. The moon, once a beacon of hope, now seemed to mock her loneliness, leaving her to wonder if she would ever find her way back to the light.