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Deep wrinkles formed on Sizhui's forehead as he stared intently at the blank paper. He swung the brush back and forth a little, but he couldn't think of any suitable words. Fortunately, the ink on the tip of the brush had already dried by now, so it didn't drip down. Since he had been thinking about what he wanted to write onto the paper for what seemed like an eternity, he didn't bother to immediately dip his brush into the ink again. Waste was considered breaking the rules. Did that also apply to ink? Most likely. Since he was sitting in the library and other Lan Clan members or guest cultivators could enter at any time, he didn't want to risk getting into trouble. Especially since he was considered a model student and wanted to fulfill these expectations, so he could defend himself against hostility regarding his origins. He wrinkled his nose. But what kind of model student couldn't write a poem? It couldn't be that hard! All he needed was a start. Then a few words that rhymed... and after that it probably just took some practice to get something aesthetic out of it. That seemed doable!
He stared at the blank paper for another half hour, then Sizhui placed his forehead on the table. Although he could recite well-known poems without any problems, writing his own was something he had absolutely no skill for. He looked around. Were there any instructions around here? He gave a short, desperate laugh. The library was huge, but there were no specific instructions for so many things. A lot of it was so vague and just meant to make you think - and that was a good idea in itself. But on some topics it almost drove him to despair. Not that he showed it, but at one point or another he had had to pull himself together not to just throw a book on the floor. But he didn't because the books weren't at fault.
He looked at the scrolls of love poems. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to surprise Jingyi with a poem after all. Jingyi liked him incredibly much, but he doubted that he loved Sizhui as much as he loved him anyway.
When after another half hour he still couldn't think of anything, he packed up his things and went back to his room with his head bowed. Maybe at some point something would inspire him to try again.
After closing the door behind him, he put his writing utensils on the table and then, not at all Lan-like, threw himself onto the bed. Something he only dared to do in his own four walls, when no one, or at most Jingyi, could see him. When he was allowed to be himself. He grabbed his pillow and screamed into it.
~*~
So the weeks passed, the snow melted and slowly the flora and fauna in Cloud Recesses came to life. The birds were chirping, the bees were buzzing, and on the way back to his room, Sizhui heard some guest cultivators chatting about their spring fever. Once he was out of earshot, he sighed. Why did he want to write a poem to tell Jingyi what he loved about him? There were so many ways to confess, and this one obviously didn't suit him because so much time had passed and he still hadn't managed to create anything acceptable. Although he doubted that Jingyi would hold a bad poem against him, if it didn't do justice to his feelings... no, he didn't want that. He frowned. As absurd as it sounded, if he confessed, he wanted to do it right so if he was rejected, he wouldn't think it was because of his abilities. Not that it would make anything better if the grief consumed him. He doesn't love me like I love him and I have to deal with that first, but - hey - at least I had written a quality poem was definitely no consolation.
After closing the door behind him, he took a deep breath. Finally, he no longer had to turn the corners of his mouth upwards, even though he didn't feel like it. It was high time he did something he enjoyed. Hopefully he would feel better when Jingyi returned from the tutoring sword training for younger cultivators that he led.
He sat down at the table and thought about what he wanted to do. Read? Not really. Play music? Better, but nope. He would prefer if Jingyi were already back and would enthusiastically tell him about his students' progress. How his eyes would light up with joy and... ah! Of course! Why hadn't he thought of this before?!
He quickly crawled to his bed and pulled out some notes that he had hidden underneath. Luckily, he had such a good reputation as an exemplary student that little attention was paid to his side of the room during inspections - the fact that Jingyi always left a bit of a mess somewhere certainly contributed to this. He smiled as he placed the pieces of paper on the table, then took out a brush and ink and quickly wrote down the two words eyes and rules. Until now he had approached the whole thing much too tensely and wanted to create the perfect poem straight away. He hadn't considered that it was better to start with small steps. So, he would first write down, word by word, what he liked about Jingyi. He laughed quietly. Maybe his idea of confessing his love to Jingyi with a poem wasn't completely off the table after all. He imagined Jingyi's happy smile as he read the poem, only to pull him into a tight hug afterwards. His heart immediately seemed to beat a little faster at the thought. How nice that would be... before he forgot what was going through his mind in his daydreaming, he wrote down smiles, hearts and then, hesitantly, strong arms. Maybe he wouldn't use it all, but he would rather write down too much than too little.
He rested his head on the palm of his hand and imagined several versions of his confession. Hopefully any of these would ever come true! Then he suddenly heard footsteps. He hastily placed the pieces of paper under the bed, then sat down and pretended to meditate. This would give him a moment to calm down, as Jingyi usually didn't bother him when he was meditating. The door opened and then he heard Jingyi tiptoe in and slowly and quietly slide the door closed again. Jingyi could be so considerate! He sighed internally. How he would have liked to write that down now... but hopefully he would remember it later, when Jingyi was getting ready for bed and he had a moment to himself.
Sizhui went into meditation for a few minutes, then he slowly opened his eyes and caught Jingyi hastily looking away. He held his breath. If he saw it correctly in the now dim light, the tips of Jingyi's ears were a little red. He took a deep breath before addressing Jingyi: "Hello Jingyi! Glad you're back. How was your training?"
As Jingyi began to talk, Sizhui wrote on his mental note list: His beautiful voice.
~*~
Sizhui screamed internally as he sat hunched over the paper, trying to write short poems from individual keywords. How was that supposed to work? He just couldn't make sense of it! He would have liked to ask someone, but the only person he could think of was Ouyang Zizhen, whom he wouldn't see again for a night hunt in a few weeks. And Zizhen would want to know why he wanted to write a poem. Although he was sure that he already knew the reason.
Otherwise, there would be his family or some teachers, but that would be too uncomfortable for him. And unfortunately, he couldn't ask Jingyi if he would take an hour to give him a crash course in the hope of finding out some valuable information about his preferences. He sighed. Jingyi apparently already suspected that he was doing something behind his back. He always seemed irritated when Sizhui wrote something down for no apparent reason. Soon he wouldn't be able to talk his way out of it anymore and hopefully he wouldn't have to. He glared at the paper. Hopefully.
~*~
Start with small steps... but what do you do when you find yourself overwhelmed? Sizhui sighed loudly as he looked at the first line written.
I have no idea
The ink had long since dried and he held back the urge to simply throw the crumpled-up paper in the corner. He just wanted to practice rhyming, and, for the sake of the environment, he had to write something onto the pages before destroying them. However, if this continued, the paper would remain blank.
He looked over the keywords he had collected over the last few days. There were so many things he liked about Jingyi and that was probably why he had written so much down that it was now too much for him to handle. He reclined his head and stared at the ceiling, wishing, the sky would give him a clue.
"It doesn't work like that" he told himself and took a deep breath. "One step back. Look at it again from a distance."
Somehow, he had to fit the words into little sentences and then construct something somewhat usable which rhymed. He blinked. Maybe he could elaborate on the sentence for the sake of drama?
I don't know, sad
He wrote it down and while he was doing it, he thought: 'Rhymes with bad!'
Sizhui put a hand on his chin and looked at the two sentences. Personally, he liked it more when the rhyming sentence ends didn't follow one another directly. So, he wrote them down again in reverse order.
I don't know, sad
I have no idea
Then the word bad came to mind, so he wrote it down. Then he thought again. What was bad and rhymed with idea?
Diarrhea
He snorted, but immediately put a hand over his mouth. That was... incredibly bad. No one was ever allowed to find this note. He would die! He laughed quietly as he read what he had written again.
I don't know, sad
I have no idea
And if, they're as bad
As diarrhea
No style, but - hey - at least he had finally managed to write his first little mini-poem. A small step in the right direction.
As if he just needed that little push, the words suddenly started pouring out of him. Soon this was also written on the paper:
Being friends since I was a child
Should I be so wild?
To tell how I'm feeling
What am I risking?
Some call it noise
What can I say?
I love your voice
It takes my breath away
He wasn't really happy with that, but he was still practicing. He sat there for a while, then hid the note under the bed. Jingyi would be returning from Caiyi soon and this time he didn't want to pretend to be meditating again. Contrary to many opinions, Jingyi was not stupid and knew that Sizhui was hiding something. Therefore, he didn't want his behavior to be seen as rejection.
Shortly afterwards the door was opened. Sizhui greeted Jingyi with a smile, which was immediately returned. His heart skipped a beat.
~*~
After a long and incredibly tiring day, Sizhui was looking forward to his free time. Today almost nothing had worked out the way he wanted, which had brought him to the verge of despair at times. But fortunately, nothing catastrophic had happened. In any case, the small poetry successes (if you wanted to call it that) of the previous day motivated him, so that this time he wrote much faster.
Beautiful eyes being brown and gold
Like leaves in fall
Maybe I should be so bold
Pfft ... who am I kidding – not at all
Sizhui placed his palm on his face. Although he was faster today, his bad mood and self-doubt seemed to be reflected in his writing. He took a deep breath. Whatever, it was just practice. Jingyi would never see this anyway. He bit his bottom lip. Now he didn't even believe in himself anymore. What was his subconscious trying to tell him?
He shook his head energetically. He didn't have time to ponder now! He definitely wanted to use the time until Jingyi returned. So, he continued writing.
Love your smile
Love your grin
Oh, please tell me
Can that be sin?
He frowned, but then shrugged. Cheesy, but not completely useless. Perhaps. He framed the little poem. He would simply transfer some attempts to a new paper, which he could then use as a reference for the final poem. The poem he would give to Jingyi to confess his love to him. He giggled at the idea and when he realized he had done that, he blinked in irritation. If he didn't know better, he would think he was falling in love with Jingyi a little more every day. Where would this end?
Break the rules, again and again
While never intending harm
I've totally fallen
For your charm
Okay, it couldn't get much worse. He scanned the bullet point list and stopped on strong arms. Strong arms that Jingyi could use to pull him into a hug before kissing him...
Then he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder. He jumped and for a moment it felt like his heart had stopped beating.
"Sizhui? Are you okay?" Jingyi asked worriedly. Sizhui held his breath as Jingyi sat down next to him. "You didn't hear me, did you? Been so engrossed? What are you working on?"
He stared at the paper in front of him, eyes wide. Damn. What should he do now? Crumple up the paper? Too conspicuous. Tell Jingyi the truth? Not yet. Discreetly place a blank sheet of paper on top of his embarrassing attempts at poetry and ignore the question? He immediately grabbed a blank sheet of paper and placed it on top of the written page as quickly as possible. Just don't arouse suspicion!
"Hello Jingyi! I actually didn't hear you, sorry." He turned to him. Oh no. Jingyi looked at the table. "How was your day?"
But the attempt at diversion failed. Jingyi stared at the paper, visibly pondering.
"I hope you...know that you don't have to hide anything from me, A-Yuan." Jingyi's voice was unusually quiet. So he had noticed... Of course, what did he expect? It almost broke Sizhui's heart to imagine how Jingyi must feel now.
"O-of course." Sizhui hung his head guiltily. "Those are notes, nothing worth seeing. "
He heard Jingyi sigh, which made him look up. When he saw Jingyi stand up and turn towards the door, he immediately jumped up and grabbed his sleeve. Contrary to his expectations, Jingyi didn't turn around.
To Sizhui, the time they stood there seemed like an eternity. Why didn't Jingyi say anything? ... why didn't he say something himself?
"I… I just…" Sizhui bit his bottom lip. "... embarrassing."
"You don't have to justify yourself."
"Y-yes, I have to…" Sizhui narrowed his eyes. If he didn't fix it now, Jingyi would think he didn't trust him. He doubted that this damage could be fixed so easily. Surely their friendship wouldn't be ruined, but the ease that existed between them would be gone, at least for a while. "I… I’m writing something. And it doesn’t really work."
Sizhui waited a moment, but Jingyi said nothing. He couldn't blame him for that, because if he were him, he wouldn't ask what he was writing about. So Jingyi waited to see how much he wanted to tell him without pushing him. His heart hurt. Even in such a situation, no matter how considerate Jingyi was towards him... he realized that even if they never became a couple, he had found his soulmate in Jingyi. No outsider would be able to break the bond between them so easily, but if they no longer trusted each other... he didn't even try to imagine what it would be like to be away from Jingyi for a long time, or maybe even the rest of his life. He swallowed. No, the trip with Wen-Qianbei had already been too much distance from Jingyi. He didn't want to do that again - especially not without both of them agreeing to it.
Then he heard Jingyi sigh softly. Panic rose within him. Damn, what was he supposed to say now? He looked at the table and did the first thing that came to mind: he grabbed the papers, stood in front of Jingyi and pressed them into his hand before he lost his courage.
Jingyi looked at him irritated, which he couldn't blame him for. He didn't want Jingyi to think that he meant it as Here, take it, look at it and leave me alone! "They're attempts at writing poems," he whispered. "They're really bad." Jingyi still hesitated, but now at least accepted the papers. Sizhui let out a desperate chuckle. "No liability if this causes you to Qi deviation. "
This also made Jingyi smile. Relieved, Sizhui took a deep breath, but then he realized that Jingyi would find out about his feelings at any moment. He bit his bottom lip. Did he really want it to happen like that? On the other hand, he probably couldn't get out of this situation anymore.
"You're always so quick to doubt your abilities, but you learn so quickly." Jingyi waved the paper around. "Now you've made me curious, but I understand if you don't want to show it until you're satisfied with it." With a smile, he handed the pieces of paper back to Sizhui, cupped his hands and squeezed them lightly. "If you ever want my opinion, then you’re welcome."
With the touch, sparks seemed to jump over him. He looked into Jingyi's eyes and when he saw the warmth in them, his fear disappeared. Jingyi would see what he had written and that'd be okay. "I want your opinion."
"Are you sure?" Before the uncertainty took hold of Sizhui again, he nodded a few times in a row. "OK. Then we'd better sit down before you fall over. Breathe, Sizhui!"
Sizhui immediately took a deep breath. Why did he sometimes forget to breathe when he was under stress? He didn't know whether to laugh or cry. So, he decided to do neither and sat on the floor next to Jingyi. When he heard the paper rustling, he stared at the table. So now the time had come. Probably the most unromantic love confession of all time. With Jingyi there were really only superlatives.
Jingyi said nothing. Paper rustling again. Sizhui put his elbows on the table and buried his face in his hands. It was only with difficulty that he was able to resist the urge and simply run away. What consoled him was that Wen-Qianbei would certainly accompany him on another trip until he had processed all of this.
Jingyi still didn't say anything. The paper no longer rustled. Or he couldn't hear either because the blood was rushing so loudly in his ears.
"A-Yuan?" Jingyi asked and Sizhui felt Jingyi put a hand on his shoulder. "Will you please look at me?"
Sizhui took a deep breath, then nodded and put his hands down. Jingyi immediately grabbed them. Sizhui winced and looked at his friend, who seemed to be on the verge of tears. For a moment he almost felt offended. Were his poems that bad? Yes, okay. They were that bad. But Jingyi was probably already sorry that he was about to break his heart.
"You wrote these poems for me?" Jingyi asked.
Sizhui nodded hesitantly and felt Jingyi pull him into a hug. He intuitively leaned against him but warned himself not to rejoice too soon. However, the corners of his mouth rebelled by turning upwards.
"That’s so cute!" Jingyi whispered directly into Sizhui’s ear. He felt his cheeks warm.
"T-they're so bad..." Sizhui muttered, trying to understand what was happening.
"That’s not the point, you know that!"
Just as Sizhui was about to say something, Jingyi backed away a little and placed his index finger on Sizhui's lips. He blinked.
"A-Yuan," Jingyi began, grinning. "You don’t have to try to be perfect around me, you know that, right?"
Sizhui nodded without hesitation. Yes, if he knew anything, it was that he could be who he really was with Jingyi. That he was allowed to make mistakes and didn't have to overthink every move or every word.
He looked into Jingyi's eyes, which had so much warmth in them. When Jingyi smiled, his eyes inevitably went to his lips, which somehow looked much softer than usual ... His heart was beating loudly in his chest. Then Jingyi put a hand on his cheek and stroked it with his thumb.
"Can I kiss you?" Jingyi asked unusually quietly, so he almost thought he had misheard. As if in a trance, he nodded, closed his eyes and only a moment later felt that Jingyi's lips were as soft as he had suspected. Now he knew that no love poem in the world could describe the happiness he felt. Actions spoke a thousand words – and with that thought, he hugged Jingyi tightly.