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Ed wakes up with a start in the middle of the night. He leans on his elbows to listen for any sign of danger, but it’s completely quiet except for the sound of the waves crashing down at the beach, and Stede’s slow breathing next to him. He lies back down and closes his eyes again. Turns around. And turns around, again.
Realising that he won’t be able to go back to sleep any time soon, he quietly gets up, careful not to wake Stede, and leaves their bedroom. Or, rather, the room that the mattress they are sleeping on is currently in.
He takes the robe that lies discarded on the wooden floor and puts it on before opening the front door. He looks back at Stede sleeping peacefully one last time, opens the front door and leaves the house.
It’s a mild night and the moon is almost full; he feels a slight breeze on his skin and takes a deep breath in. Slowly making his way down to the beach, he can feel the cool, soft sand between his naked toes and the plants grazing his calves.
Once he’s made it down to where the waves hit the beach, he slowly takes a few more steps until a wave washes over his feet and ankles. The water is cool and refreshing and he takes another deep breath in, smelling the salt in the air.
Ed just stands there for a moment, letting the waves wash over his feet again and again, looking at the stars and the moon. He wishes Stede were awake and down here with him; it’s a really clear night and Stede loves looking at the sky when it’s dark and asking Ed about the constellations.
After a moment, Ed takes a few steps back and sits down in the sand, thinking.
He’s starting to understand what people mean when they talk about deafening silence. It doesn’t exactly surprise him – it’s always so fucking loud in his head anyway, and if there’s literally no other sounds around him, it seems to get even worse sometimes.
It makes sense, too; he’s been a pirate for about three decades now and has spent most nights during this time on ships. Sure, there have been stopovers on land, nights spent on the streets when he was just starting out, on the beach, or in houses and inns. But those nights were the exception to the rule; nights spent on land when the ship he was on had to be cleaned, or rations had to be restocked.
And even those nights on land were usually spent in places that were quite loud. This island though, the place they’ve chosen to be their new home, is so quiet. The next village isn’t far away – they just walked there yesterday – but that still means the house is away from the hustle and bustle of a town.
Plus, he’s used to sleeping on a moving ship; even during quiet nights, there’s always a slight rocking back and forth on a ship, and wind and water making the wood and metal of the ship creak.
Thinking about all this, it makes sense that the quiet drives him a bit crazy at night, but he doesn’t want to feel this way.
They’ve been here for a week now. He still can’t quite believe it; Ed and Stede are living in their house. Their home. And, of course, their future inn. Not that they’ve gotten much done yet to work towards that goal.
The past week has been amazing. They’re still getting used to being so close to each other all the time; after everything that went down between them, it’s probably no wonder. There’s some awkwardness every now and again, some insecurities for both of them. Ed reckons that’s just part of it, though, and honestly? He fucking loves getting to work through it all with Stede.
Mostly, though, it’s been amazing. They haven’t exactly done a lot of work. They walked to the village once or twice and oriented themselves on the island they now call their home, and properly cleaned the house. They also got wood to build a proper bed, and started planning how they wanted to proceed with renovating the house to turn it into an inn.
Apart from that, they’ve been busy with… other stuff. They took a lot of long walks on the beach, hand in hand, exploring the island. They spent hours just sitting on the beach, talking and laughing, swimming in the ocean together, kissing in the water, and enjoying the sun on their faces.
And, of course, exploring each other as well. Even though they’re both still a bit hesitant and reserved when it comes to them being together like this, it’s getting easier every day.
Not exactly productive work for the inn, but considering the past weeks and months they both had, they deserve a bit of a break, don’t they?
The last few nights, neither of them got a lot of sleep because they stayed up for hours talking and fucking. Tonight was different, though; they carried the wood for the bed from the village to their house, and that paired with the fact that they haven’t slept much all week meant that last night, they went to bed early and fell asleep quickly.
Judging by the moon’s position, Ed had only slept a few hours and then woken up, unable to go back to sleep. Feeling like he’s about to go fucking insane with how quiet it all was. He’s really hoping this is a one-time thing, but has a feeling that it probably isn’t.
He stays like this for a while, then decides to get busy.
Even though it’s nighttime, it’s pretty light outside because the moon is almost full. So he goes back to the house and quietly gets some stuff from inside; he takes another look at Stede, who is sprawled out on the mattress, fast asleep – Ed has noticed before that Stede seems to be able to sleep through pretty much anything. Ed quietly chuckles to himself and goes outside again, closing the door behind him.
He spends the rest of the night picking fruit from the bushes close to the house, filling buckets and bottles with water from the nearby creek, and reading a book Stede found on the market yesterday by the light of a candle on the porch.
He realises that he must’ve dozed off when he wakes up with a start because someone lightly touches his shoulder.
“Good morning, Ed,” Stede whispers, kneeling next to where Ed is sitting on the porch, leaning against the wall of the house.
Ed blinks a few times and then looks at Stede. He’s also wearing a robe and has a warm smile on his face.
Ed leans his head forward slightly and Stede closes the gap between them, giving Ed a soft kiss before leaning back again and looking at Ed more closely. The book he was reading is in his lap, and next to him on the porch are the buckets of water and fruit he collected earlier.
“How long have you been out here?” Stede asks with his eyebrows slightly raised.
Ed shrugs his shoulders. “Dunno. Not that long.”
Stede furrows his brows slightly but doesn’t push the matter.
“How about we have some breakfast?” he asks instead, slightly stroking Ed’s arm and smiling at him.
Ed nods and smiles back at him. “Let’s do it, mate.”
Stede stands up and then offers a hand to Ed, helping him get up as well.
They have breakfast out on the porch, sitting on cushions on the wooden floor and sharing fruit, bread and tea.
Afterwards, they get to work on the bed. Ed knows some basics about woodworking from all his years living on ships, and Stede – well, Stede’s enthusiastic. They should have all the pieces they need, all there is to do now is actually assembling the fucking thing.
While they do this, they talk and laugh, and get a bit distracted making out for a minute – but Ed can feel Stede eyeing him carefully every now and again, brows furrowed ever so slightly.
Luckily, Ed manages to distract Stede quite successfully once they’ve finished building the bed – after all, it needs to be broken in properly.
Once they’ve finished breaking in the bed, they just lie there, Ed’s head on Stede’s chest. Stede is stroking Ed’s hair lazily when he asks, “do you want to go to the village? We should get some more supplies.”
Ed yawns and nods in response. “Sure, let’s do that.” He lifts his head, gives Stede a quick peck on the mouth and then they’re both slowly getting up. Ed looks at Stede as he’s getting dressed in his brown leather trousers and his blue shirt. Ed really loves that outfit on him. He looks at his own clothes and sighs quietly.
Reluctantly, he puts on his leathers, and off they go.
They walk to the village, hand in hand, which takes about half an hour. Once they get close to the village, they let go of each other. They need to remember, they’re not in the Republic of Pirates – even though people here seem to be mostly kind and open, they don’t want to risk anything, at least not before they’ve gotten to know people here a bit.
They do their shopping and then make their way back to the house. As soon as they get back, Ed takes off his clothes and puts his robe back on. He can feel Stede eyeing him curiously, but he doesn’t say anything.
They make dinner and eat outside before getting ready for bed.
***
This goes on for a few days – they go to bed, Stede sleeps like a stone, Ed wakes up and is driven crazy by the silence, he gets up and spends the rest of the night outside.
Stede has clearly noticed that something is slightly off, but he hasn’t brought it up.
This morning, when Stede comes out of the house, Ed is just getting back from the creek with a bucket of fresh water. Stede smiles at him and they kiss good morning once Ed has reached the porch.
“Breakfast?” Ed asks him and Stede nods.
They get breakfast ready and sit on the porch together. There’s comfortable silence for a while, when Stede suddenly asks him, “Ed?”
“Yeah, babe?”
“Can I ask – is everything okay?”
Ed looks at Stede. His look is slightly worried, his brows furrowed.
“Yeah, everything’s okay. Why do you ask?”
“Well. I’ve just noticed that you don’t seem to be sleeping well and also that you’re almost always wearing your robe. I know it’s probably nothing, but for me – I don’t really know how to explain it. But when I have bad days, I sometimes don’t feel like getting dressed, like the effort is just too big or something. And I just – I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
Ed looks at Stede’s earnest face and suddenly feels really soft inside. He puts down the cup of tea he was holding and takes Stede’s hand.
“I’m fine, don’t worry about me. I just – I guess –,“ he takes a deep breath in, forcing himself to get his thoughts clear in his mind. “I just don’t really feel like putting on those clothes anymore.”
“Why?”
“I guess they just make me think of stuff that I’d rather not think about. And, it’s like – it’s like Izzy said when he died. I’ve outgrown Blackbeard, and it’s like that’s what the leathers are.”
Stede crunches up his face slightly and furrows his brows when Ed mentions Izzy. He squeezes Ed’s hand a bit tighter.
“You know after Calypso’s birthday, after we spent our first night together?”
Stede smiles softly and nods.
“I got up in the morning and threw away my leathers. I just felt so ready for a new chapter. And then of course everything went to shit and I got them back and put them back on, but I didn’t really want to. It just – I don’t know. It doesn’t really feel like me anymore, you know?” He shakes his head and gives a small scoff.
He doesn’t really know why it feels hard to talk about this – he doesn’t want to wear his leathers anymore, big deal. But as he’s telling Stede this, he realises that he’s feeling anxious. After all, Stede only ever knew him in those fucking leathers, and even though he knows Ed in ways that no one else ever has, there’s still a voice in Ed’s mind telling him that if he lets go of Blackbeard, Stede will leave him again.
After all, the last time he shaved his beard and changed his clothes, Stede did leave him. Of course, they’d talked about this at Anne and Mary’s house and Ed had forgiven him. But it’s not that easy to silence those voices in his head that are trying to put doubts and fears in his mind.
“I know it probably sounds stupid, I know they’re just clothes, but I just can’t shake this feeling.”
Stede shakes his head. “It’s not stupid at all. I mean, you’re talking to the guy who had a secret secondary closet installed on his ship. If anyone knows what clothes can do, it’s me.”
Remembering the secret closet makes Ed laugh, and Stede grins back at him.
“So, if I’m getting this right, you just want to be Edward and do what makes Ed happy?”
Ed’s eyes had been focussed on their intertwined hands, but that makes him look up. He stares at Stede for a moment, shaking his head slightly in disbelief.
Stede remembers. He remembers the exact words Ed uttered all those months ago on that beach. He raises his eyebrows and lets out a breath.
“Yeah. Exactly,” he responds quietly.
Stede smiles at him and squeezes Ed’s hands again. Then, his face becomes more serious.
“You know, you can be whoever you want to be. I love you no matter what.”
Ed looks at their hands again but forces himself to look up. He looks into Stede’s hazel eyes and sees nothing but earnestness there.
All he can do is nod and give Stede a small smile; he hopes that Stede knows what he’s feeling, that he knows how much this means to Ed. He leans forward and gives Stede a soft kiss. He can feel Stede sigh into the kiss and when they part, Stede is smiling at him.
“So, what would that look like? If you’re going to get rid of the leathers, what would you rather wear?” Suddenly, his eyes get big with excitement. “Oh Ed, we need to go shopping! We’ll go shopping and get you new clothes. Something perfect for you!”
Ed laughs. “I mean, it’s really no big deal, we don’t have to –“
“Of course we do!” Stede interrupts him. “This is important.”
Ed looks at Stede and raises his eyebrows. He hadn’t really expected this conversation, nor its outcome. It’s just about a fucking outfit, after all. But now that he’s talked to Stede about this and sorted his thoughts a bit, he realises that it’s really been nagging him. After all, less than two weeks ago he was ready to completely let go of Blackbeard, and even though he’s started his new life with Stede, those fucking leathers still followed him to this new place.
So maybe Stede’s right; maybe it’s more important to Ed than he’d realised.
“How about we finish breakfast and then go to the village to get new clothes for you?”
Stede looks at him with so much excitement that Ed can’t help but laugh. He should’ve expected this. Of course Stede “I’m a bit of a clothes horse” would be this excited about getting Ed new clothes. Ed studies his face closely for a moment, and there doesn’t seem to be anything other than excitement; no disappointment that Ed wants to completely shed Blackbeard.
Ed shouldn’t be surprised, of course. After all, they decided together to retire from piracy and come here. But a small part of him was scared and will probably continue to be a bit scared about this.
But, of course Stede would be this supportive. He’s still looking at Ed expectantly, and Ed nods and smiles. “Alright, yeah, let’s fucking do it.”
Stede gives a small cheer. “Yes! I can’t wait. It’s gonna be great!”
They finish breakfast pretty quickly after that and get ready. Ed puts on his leathers for what he hopes is the last time, and when they’re both ready they leave to go to the village, hand in hand, as always.
They talk all the way there – it’s mostly Stede talking about clothes and different shops he’s seen in the village where they could look for clothes.
It’s not like they have tons of options, it is just a village. But there’s a shop or two where they might get lucky.
As Ed is watching Stede talk so excitedly about clothes, he feels a pang of guilt in his chest. After all, he’s the one responsible for all of Stede’s clothes being gone. Stede has never really mentioned it and genuinely doesn’t seem to care much about what Ed did to his clothes and books – but still, he used to love all his different outfits and now he has basically nothing.
Ed stops and waits for Stede to look at him. Stede turns and looks at Ed expectantly.
“Everything alright?”
“Yeah, everything’s alright. I was just thinking, we should get some new clothes for you as well. I mean, I’m the reason you don’t have any of your old outfits anymore –“
Stede just makes a “pff” sounds and shakes his head.
“I don’t care about that, Edward, really,” he says with a smile.
“Okay, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get some new clothes as well. I mean, we can’t both be wearing the same old thing every day once we run a successful inn, now, can we?”
Stede raises his eyebrows and grins at him. “No, of course not. What kind of message would that send to the guests?”
“Exactly. We wouldn’t want our reputation to suffer because of this, would we?”
Stede shakes his head. “Definitely not.”
“And, we still have some of the treasure left that the crew left us with. I know we said we’d use that for basic supplies and renovations, but I think there’s some wiggle room. Don’t you?”
“Absolutely.”
Ed smiles. “Good. So let’s fucking get you something nice as well.”
Stede beams at him. “Using that treasure for something good again, huh?”
“Well, it’s like you said.” Ed shrugs his shoulders. “Turn poison into positivity.”
He still feels extremely guilty about everything he did, but it does feel nice to be using that treasure for something like this, to make Stede happy.
They look around to check no one else is there, share a quick kiss and then continue their way to the village.
Once there, they go to a few shops Stede had in mind, and rummage through clothes and fabrics.
Stede gets very into it and Ed chuckles to himself as his boyfriend keeps calling out his name to show him pieces he’s found.
Ed also looks around, though he’s not quite sure what exactly to look for. He’s never really had much of a choice when it came to his clothing; when he was younger, he was too poor to buy anything he liked, and once he was a successful pirate he had a reputation to think of.
Now, after all this time, he’s free to choose what he wants to do, what he wants to wear, and he has no fucking idea. He knows he’d like something softer. Something that feels less artificial, more like himself. But what does that even mean?
Stede is waving excitedly at him again, and when Ed takes a moment to respond because he’s deep in thought, Stede comes up to him.
“Are you okay?” he asks Ed quietly, touching his elbow.
Ed nods. “Yeah, I’m fine, mate. Just not really sure what exactly I’m looking for, I guess. I’ve been in those same clothes for so fucking long.”
“Okay,” Stede responds with a small smile. “Would you like to try some of this stuff on?”
He’s pointing at the enormous pile of clothing and fabrics that he’s holding under his arm.
Ed shrugs his shoulders. “Dunno. Feels weird to do that here, you know?”
He feels a bit silly, but Stede seems to understand immediately.
“Okay, how about we ask if we could return the stuff that doesn’t fit us or that we don’t like? You could try it on back home?”
“Yeah, I think that might be nice,” Ed says, a bit hesitantly.
“Great!” Stede beams at him and goes to talk to the shop-owner, who’s waiting behind the register.
Meanwhile, Ed looks around a bit more, feeling a bit lighter. If Stede is the only person who will see him when he tries on new clothes, he doesn’t mind so much. He picks a few pieces and adds them to Stede’s pile, and they pay (with the guarantee that they can return unwanted pieces within the week) and leave the shop.
They’re pretty much fully stocked at home in terms of supplies, so they just take the clothes and make their way home.
It’s early afternoon when they get back to the house, and Stede immediately lays out the clothes on their newly assembled bed and motions for Ed to come closer.
Stede is so excited, it’s adorable. Ed moves to stand next to him and tries to hide his grin when Stede is talking to him about different outfit options.
When he pauses, Ed looks at him and Stede returns his gaze.
“I really love it when you get so excited,” he says to Stede and takes his hand.
Stede looks at the floor for a second before returning Ed’s gaze, ears slightly red, a shy smile on his face.
“You’re probably the only person in the world to think that, Ed.”
“Well, if that’s true, the world is full of fucking morons,” Ed says defiantly, smiling at Stede.
Stede looks at him, then, and slowly, his smile gets bigger. Ed moves closer to him and cups his face with his free hand, the one that’s not holding Stede’s. He leans in and Stede slowly closes the gap between them. They share a soft, chaste kiss and Ed can feel his heart flutter.
When they part, they look at each other for a long moment and Stede lets out a long, happy sigh.
“So,” Ed says, “what’s the plan? You really want me to try all this stuff on?”
“Only if you want to!” Stede says quickly. “There’s some stuff there that I picked for myself, but mostly I just thought it would be nice for you to have some options! There’s the stuff you picked as well,” he says, pointing to the few pieces Ed had taken. “And, of course, you can try on everything that I picked for myself, as well!”
His eyes get big with excitement again.
“Sharing clothes, huh?” Ed whispers and Stede grins at him sheepishly.
“That’s the first thing we did when we first met, I don’t see why we should stop now,” Stede responds while busying himself with the clothes on the bed, but Ed can still see the grin on his face.
“Can’t argue with that,” he says and strokes Stede’s arm. “Anyway, let’s go.”
They look through the pile of clothes together and there’s a few things that Ed just doesn’t like, but he decides to try the rest on.
Stede sits down on a cushion on the floor and Ed shows him the outfits. Stede is like a cheerleader, and Ed feels a bit silly but soaks up all the attention and compliments.
There’s some basic stuff: Linen trousers – which already feel a million times better than his leathers – and shirts, not unlike the ones he used to wear under his leather jacket. They decide that these are keepers simply because they’re practical, especially for the next few months when they will do a lot of physical work in and around the house. Wearing these, Ed already feels lighter.
What he especially likes about the shirts is their colours – they’re not black like his usual outfit, but purple and red and blue. He probably never would’ve picked those for himself – he had that one purple shirt that he sometimes wore under his jacket, but that’s pretty much it – but of course, with Stede there, who loves clothes in general and bright colours in particular, this was bound to happen.
Some of the pieces he tries on just aren’t for him, so he sets them aside.
And then, there’s a few pieces he puts on that he immediately doesn’t want to take off anymore. One or two in particular almost make him a bit emotional: They’re basically pieces of fabric that he picked because he liked their bright colours and patterns, and he’s now wearing one of them, a bright blue one, tied around his hips like a sarong, combined with a simple linen shirt.
When he shows Stede, he just looks at him without saying anything for a moment. Then, a reverent smile starts spreading on his face.
“Ed,” he whispers, “you look. You look amazing. You look – so – you.”
Ed huffs out a laugh and can feel a lump building in his throat.
“Thanks,” he croaks and looks down at his outfit. “That’s how it feels.”
He doesn’t really have the words right now to express to Stede how much it means to him that Stede seems to know him so well, that he immediately recognised what Ed felt as well, namely that he feels very much like himself, like Ed, in this. Not Blackbeard, not the Kraken, just Edward.
“You know, my mum used to have fabrics similar to this,” he tells Stede, who listens intently. In all the time they’ve known each other, Ed hasn’t talked much about his mother or his childhood in general, but this feels too important not to share. “The material was cheaper, but the patterns were similar. She never really wore it because she – well, I guess she just had to adapt, but I’ve always really liked it.”
Stede smiles at him, a bit sadly. “That’s amazing. It’s obvious how good you feel in this.”
“I don’t even really wanna take it off anymore,” Ed says a bit sheepishly.
“So don’t! You look gorgeous,” Stede says.
Ed still has that lump in his throat. Of course, it’s not as if he’s never worn different outfits before, and he’s tried different things especially since he met Stede: He wore Stede’s clothes just after their first encounter, wore a fancy outfit to the fancy party, wore Buttons’ clothes after Calypso’s birthday. Fuck, he’s even worn a fucking potato sack.
But those times, it was never really about himself, or his own choice – he pretended to be Stede, he pretended to be Jeff the accountant, wore Buttons’ clothes because he’d thrown out his leathers and couldn’t find anything else, and so on.
For the first time in a long time, maybe in his life, he gets to explore and actually choose what he wants to wear. This makes him feel strangely vulnerable and emotional, but Stede makes him feel so safe that he doesn’t really mind.
His boyfriend seems to see these emotions reflected on Ed’s face, and he gets up from the floor and walks over to where Ed is standing.
“Can I hug you?” he asks Ed, an earnest look on his face.
Ed nods and they put their arms around each other, with Stede stroking his hair and whispering into Ed’s ear again: “you look so gorgeous, Ed.”
Ed squeezes Stede tighter and lets go enough to ask him, “can I have a kiss?”
Stede just smiles and gives Ed a soft kiss.
When they part, Ed says, “thanks for making me do this.”
“Of course! I want you to be happy. We can’t have you walking around in clothes you hate or a bathrobe all day long!” he says with a small laugh.
“Yeah, babe. Speaking of which, I think I’ve tried all mine on. Now it’s your turn!”
They let go and Stede claps his hands excitedly and goes to rummage through the pile of clothes. Ed sits down on the cushion, and now it’s Stede’s turn for a fashion show.
This is how they spend all afternoon; there’s quite some stuff that they’ll give back, but Stede also finds some pieces that he really likes – and that Ed really likes on Stede. Once Stede has also tried all his options on, they move on quite quickly from discussing clothes. They start making out and, as it turns out, as much as they clearly love to see each other in pretty clothing, they do prefer the clothes to be off.
***
The next few days, they both wear some of their new outfits. Ed can tell how happy Stede is to have some options again – it’s still nothing like his old closets, they both really only have a handful of new pieces, but Stede loves trying on different versions of the outfits and Ed loves to see him so excited.
Ed also feels much lighter. When Stede asked him if he wanted to get rid of the leathers, he was hesitant. A small voice at the back of his mind reminded him that he might need them again in the future, that he might need to be Blackbeard again. When Stede sensed his hesitation, he suggested putting them in a box under the bed for now. That way, Ed didn’t have to see them or even think about them, but they were there, as a safety net, for now.
So that’s what they did, and Ed has been wearing his new clothes for a few days now, especially his new favourite, the light blue sarong. Stede has been complimenting him constantly, and Ed doesn’t really know what to do with it, but he’s soaking it all up. And, of course he’s returning the compliments because Stede also looks amazing.
So, things have improved on that front.
But Ed still can’t sleep.
He’s been wrecking his brain about what he’s doing wrong, but he can’t figure it out. Every night, he wakes up, tosses and turns, and eventually gets up.
This morning when Stede wakes up, Ed is down at the beach. He’d dozed off again briefly, but is now just sitting there, watching the waves.
“Ed!” he can hear Stede call from behind him. He turns around and sees Stede walking towards him. He sits down next to him and they just watch the waves together for a moment.
After a while, Stede turns towards Ed and Ed does the same, looking at Stede.
“Ed? Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah, of course, babe. You can ask me anything.”
Stede nods and takes Ed’s hand.
“Is everything okay? I’ve noticed that since we got here, you haven’t really been sleeping very well. Whenever I wake up in the morning, it seems that you’ve always been up for hours. Is something wrong?”
Ed shakes his head, squeezing Stede’s hand.
“No, nothing’s wrong, love. I just – I don’t know. I just can’t sleep,” he says, shrugging his shoulders. “I wake up in the middle of the night and it’s so quiet.”
Stede furrows his brows slightly at that. “Quiet?”
“Well, I reckon after spending so much time on ships, I’m just not used to it. I mean, I have spent the last few decades on ships. There’s always movement and there’s always something creaking or someone speaking or whatever. But when I wake up here, it’s like – there’s this silence that I don’t know what to do with.”
Stede nods slowly.
“And, I guess I’m used to being on high alert all the time, so I’m a light sleeper anyway. You know, I’ve always had to be in case of danger. I guess I still have that feeling, even if I know I don’t need it. And so I start to toss and turn and then I just get up because I know it’s pointless, and I don’t wanna wake you up either because I’m moving around in bed like fucking crazy.”
“I wouldn’t care!”
“I know, but what’s the point? I just can’t get back to sleep.”
Stede thinks for a moment, looking at their hands.
“So, do you feel like you’re in danger here?”
“No, not at all. I mean, I guess we don’t know what’s gonna happen with Ricky and those English bastards, but I don’t feel like I’m in danger.”
“But you said you feel like you have to be on high alert.”
“That’s just the force of habit. That’s what it was like basically all my life, I just always had to be ready to fight and defend myself.”
Stede shakes his head slowly. “Maybe if I was a better fighter, you wouldn’t feel this way.”
“No, mate, it’s got nothing to do with you, I swear.”
But his boyfriend just shakes his head again. “But maybe if I was better at this you wouldn’t feel like you have to be on such high alert all the time. You don’t think I can protect you and you’re right –“
“Stede, shut up. That’s just not true. It’s not.”
Stede looks at him, visibly unhappy.
“Look, my head just gets really fucking loud sometimes, and in those moments I feel it more. But it has nothing to do with you. Don’t worry about it, it’s fine. I don’t need much sleep anyway. Besides, maybe it’ll get better with time.”
He smiles at Stede, but clearly his boyfriend is not convinced. His eyebrows are still furrowed, lips pressed together.
Ed lets go of Stede’s hands and moves closer to him, putting his arm around Stede. “Don’t worry, babe, it’s really okay.”
Stede nods absent-mindedly.
“Let’s have breakfast, okay?”
Stede nods again and they get up slowly, walking to the house and making breakfast.
After breakfast, they go about their day as they usually do, and don’t talk about Ed’s sleeping problems again. Ed can feel that Stede is distracted and probably still thinking about it, but he doesn’t bring it up again.
The next few days, he can sense some kind of change in Stede. It’s subtle, but he’s behaving differently somehow. Ed can’t quite put his finger on it but he’s somehow reminded of that day in the Republic of Pirates, after word got out that Stede killed Ned Low.
This becomes particularly evident when they go to the village and Stede starts an argument with one of the vendors. Ed pulls him away before things can get more heated, but still.
“Stede, what’s going on?” Ed asks him on their way back to the house.
“Nothing,” Stede responds simply without meeting Ed’s eye. “He was trying to mess with us and I couldn’t let that stand, that’s all.”
Before Ed can respond, Stede changes the subject and they walk back home without talking about the fight again.
Ed knows all this is because of their conversation a few days before, but he doesn’t know how to bring it up again because Stede seems to want to avoid the subject.
And, it’s not as if Stede has suddenly changed completely. He is still gentle and sweet with Ed and in certain moments, like when they’re talking and laughing, or when they’re in bed together, Stede seems to forget all about this problem.
Ed can tell that the changes are a façade, a performance, because he’s an expert at those, and because he’s seen Stede like this before and knows it’s not really him.
But how does he make that clear to Stede?
He ponders this the next few days, all while still not being able to sleep properly.
One afternoon, they’re working on removing some of the rotten wood from one of the outer walls and replacing it, and Stede has been very quiet the past few hours. He’s getting more and more agitated because the piece of wood he’s trying to remove is not moving. Suddenly, he lets his hammer fall to the ground and leaves the house, walking towards the beach.
Ed looks after him for a moment, watching as Stede sits down on the beach, watching the waves. He puts his own hammer down and follows him.
Once there, he stands next to Stede for a moment, who doesn’t look at him.
He kneels down next to his boyfriend, facing him. He wants to comfort Stede but feels like he doesn’t have the words right now. So, cupping Stede’s face with his hands, he makes him look at him by moving his face to the side. Ed gives him a kiss on the cheek; Stede closes his eyes.
Then, Ed gently puts his hand on Stede’s chest and pushes him down so that Stede is now lying on the beach. He himself lies down, putting his head on Stede’s chest and cupping his face with one hand.
Stede hesitates for a moment before putting his arms around Ed as well.
As they lie there, both his boyfriend’s breathing and heartbeat seem to grow calmer, with Ed on his chest, stroking Stede’s cheek.
Ed focuses on the sound of Stede’s breathing and heartbeat. After a while, it seems to be all he can hear, and he can feel himself dozing off.
He wakes up when Stede gently squeezes him.
“Ed! Edward, wake up,” he whispers. “The sun will soon start to set; we should get dinner ready.”
Ed blinks a few times and then moves, putting his chin on Stede’s chest so he can look at him. His boyfriend gives him a small smile.
“Are you feeling better?”
Stede looks away for a moment. “I’m fine. I was just a bit frustrated for a moment. Anyway, should we get dinner?”
“Okay.”
They get up and Ed takes Stede’s hand when they walk back to the house.
The rest of the night is uneventful, but as usual, Ed wakes up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep. He tosses and turns, and is just about to get up when he remembers this afternoon.
He turns around and looks at Stede. He’s sleeping on his back, one arm lying on the pillow above his head, the other on his chest. He’s breathing deeply and looks peaceful; more peaceful than Ed has seen him in the last few days. Ed moves closer to him and puts his own hand on top of Stede’s, stroking it lightly.
He stays like this for a while and just watches Stede. He can only just make out his features because of the moonlight coming in through the windows.
Ed sees his boyfriend’s slight stubble and his blonde curls, tousled from sleep. He sees Stede’s eyelids move slightly in his sleep; he must be dreaming, Ed thinks to himself, and it makes him smile. He sees Stede’s chest rise and fall slowly.
After a while, he takes Stede’s hand and carefully moves it; he lies his head down on Stede’s chest and puts Stede’s arm around his shoulder.
When Stede seems to slightly squeeze Ed’s shoulder, Ed thinks that he’s woken Stede up, but he still seems to be fast asleep. He puts his hand on Stede’s chest and can feel his heart beating slowly, and hears his slow breathing.
Ed tries to focus all his energy on Stede. He focuses on the way his chest is slowly rising and falling beneath Ed’s head; on the way he can hear and feel his heartbeat, solid and steady; on the way his hand feels on Stede’s naked chest, soft blonde hair and warm skin beneath his fingers; the slight lavender scent that always seems to surround Stede.
He listens to Stede’s breathing and tries to breathe with him. In and out. In and out.
Slowly, Ed can feel himself growing calmer. He can still feel the hectic energy that seems to haunt him so often, that he can feel both in his head and in his body. But, with all his focus on Stede, and his breathing imitating Stede’s, he seems to be able to quieten his mind and body, even if it takes a while.
With this, Ed falls into a deep sleep again, still listening to Stede’s heartbeat and breathing.
The next morning, Ed is woken up by the sunlight streaming into their house through the windows. He is still lying on Stede’s chest, even though they’ve both moved slightly. He feels more rested than he has in the past week or two, and yawns happily.
He stays in bed for a bit longer and then gets up, careful not to wake Stede. He puts on his robe and goes outside to sit on the porch.
He sits there for a while, closing his eyes against the rising sun and breathing in the salt air.
After a while, he can hear Stede get up, and he comes outside shortly after.
“Morning,” Ed says as he turns around to look at Stede.
“Morning,” Stede responds, sitting down next to Ed on the porch.
Ed smiles at him and gives him a good morning kiss.
“Couldn’t sleep again, huh?” Stede asks Ed, gesturing vaguely at the porch.
“Actually, I did! I only got up half an hour ago or so.”
“Oh, really? I’m glad.”
Ed takes Stede’s hand and asks him, “ready for some breakfast?”
Stede nods and they get up, getting breakfast.
***
The next two or three nights are similar. Ed still wakes up in the middle of the night, feeling restless and like his head is going to explode with the silence; but he now cuddles up to Stede, putting his head on Stede’s chest and focussing on his heartbeat and breathing. It feels almost spiritual, like a prayer or meditation, only that the object of his focus is not some invisible entity, but the person he loves.
Ed is woken again today by the sunlight and smiles into Stede’s chest. He thinks about the past few nights and realises he’s been getting it all wrong.
Those first nights, when he would wake up and felt as though the silence was about to drive him mad, what he should have done instead of getting up was to focus on Stede.
Stede, who has brought so much brightness into his life and made Ed feel more like himself than he ever has before; Stede, who has been able from the beginning to make Ed feel so peaceful. Of course, it would be the same here.
Instead of panicking and running, all he needed to do was to take a moment, focus on Stede, let the peace and calmness Stede makes him feel wash over Ed.
If only Stede understood the effect he had on Ed, perhaps then he wouldn’t feel the need to be someone he is not.
He gets up and decides to make Stede breakfast in bed.
Ed’s breakfast-making skills still leave much to be desired, especially with their still very basic “kitchen,” but he does manage to make some tea and toast. He is about to go back to Stede when he remembers the first time he made breakfast for Stede.
He starts looking around the house, not finding anything. He then goes outside and picks up a leaf from their porch, adding it to the piece of wood he’s using as a tray.
He smiles to himself as he goes back to Stede, sitting down on the bed and putting down the tray.
Stede is still fast asleep, and Ed carefully strokes his cheek to wake him up. After a moment, Stede opens his eyes slowly, blinking a few times before looking up at Ed.
“Good morning, babe,” Ed whispers and gives him a kiss on the cheek.
Stede smiles sleepily. “Good morning,” he yawns.
“I brought you some breakfast.”
“Oh, did you? That’s lovely, Ed.” Stede smiles and sits up, squeezing Ed’s hand.
Ed sits down on the bed completely and moves the tray to stand between them.
Stede looks at it, touches the leaf and beams at Ed.
“A flourish.”
“Of course,” Ed smiles back at him.
“Thank you, babe,” Stede says.
Ed just smiles and hands Stede his cup of tea.
They have breakfast and talk about their plans for the day. They will go to the village and keep working on the house.
In the village, they run some errands to fill up their food supplies and get some more stuff they need to work on the house.
After getting their supplies, they end up getting an early dinner in the village and having a drink.
At the pub, there’s a group of men at the next table who have clearly been there for a while; they’re talking and laughing loudly.
All it takes is for Stede to give them one look.
They start talking shit at them, especially Stede. Ed couldn’t care less – he learned long ago not to waste his energy on fucking morons – they’re not worth it.
But they get to Stede for some reason, and the drink he had makes him react more strongly than he probably would have otherwise. He starts talking back at them, and soon they’re all standing and arguing.
“Stede! Don’t waste your energy on these fucking idiots, let’s just get out of here,” Ed says to Stede amongst the fighting. He touches Stede’s elbow to try and pull him away. Stede doesn’t react at first, but when Ed says again “let’s just go,” Stede just turns around suddenly and leaves the pub.
The other guys shout after him, but Ed just follows Stede.
Outside, Ed can see Stede already leaving in the direction of their house. Ed jogs behind him to catch up, and grabs Stede’s elbow.
“Stede, wait! What the fuck is going on?”
“Nothing. They were assholes, and I didn’t want to just sit there,” he says without meeting Ed’s eye, still walking quickly.
“So? Why waste your energy on those fucking idiots? They’re not worth the poison!”
“Not worth the poison?” Stede looks at him for a moment, furrowing his brows. “That’s what you said about Ned Low.”
“Well, because it’s true. People like them are not worth wasting any fucking energy on, and you know that!”
“Or maybe you just don’t like it when I talk back?”
“What?”
“Maybe it’s like Low said. You like it more when I’m a stupid amateur, and not when I fight back!”
Ed raises his eyebrows. “Are you serious? That’s bullshit, Stede!”
“Oh yeah? So why are you getting angry about this?”
“Because you’ve been tense for days and I don’t get why you would start a fucking bar fight with those random assholes!”
“Because I don’t just have to sit there and take it!”
“I’m not saying you should, Stede, but these were drunk assholes at a pub! Who gives a shit?! Why are you letting all this get to you? It’s just like that vendor the other day –”
“Well, I don’t want to just let people walk all over me. I can take care of myself, and fight back!”
Ed takes a deep breath in, trying to keep his voice steady. “I know you can. But there’s a time and a place –“
“Right. So it’s true. You don’t like it when I’m like this! Maybe Low was right. It’s just like that day in the Republic of Pirates! I proved myself to the other pirates and you didn’t like it and left!”
Ed stops in his tracks. “Are you fucking serious? You’re really gonna throw that in my face right now? That was completely different and you know it!”
“Maybe it wasn’t!”
They’ve stopped walking and are facing each other.
“Stede –“
“Just leave it, Ed,” Stede says, turns around and keeps walking.
“Stede!” Ed calls after him, but Stede doesn’t react, he just keeps walking quickly.
Ed stands there for a moment, taking a few breaths. What the hell just happened?
He hates fighting with Stede, and this was the biggest fight they’ve had since they moved here.
There’s a big part of him that understands what Stede is saying – he knows Stede has spent his life knowing bullies, and Ed knows how exhausting it is to live like that.
But he feels like this is coming from a different place, and he desperately wants to talk to Stede and make up, but he’s not sure what to say to him to convince him that he doesn’t have to prove anything.
He slowly starts walking back to their house as well, thinking.
When he gets to the house, he can see a light in their bedroom window. He opens the front door, peering inside, and the door to the bedroom is closed. He goes back outside – he will give Stede some space before he goes to talk to him.
He also still doesn’t really know how to tell Stede the things he wants to tell him.
Ed quietly closes the front door behind him and stands on the porch.
There’s some clothes hanging to dry on the porch railing. He sees his light blue sarong with its beautiful patterns, and touches the soft fabric.
He just stands there for a moment, and then it dawns on him. He goes back into the house and knocks on the bedroom door.
“Stede, can I come in?”
There’s silence for a long moment, before Stede opens the door for Ed and immediately sits down on the bed again, not meeting Ed’s eyes.
Ed also sits down on the bed, but gives Stede some space.
He knows what he wants to say to his boyfriend.
“Stede? You know I’ve been sleeping much better the last few nights?”
Stede furrows his brows for a moment; he probably didn’t expect this to be the topic of conversation right now.
He doesn’t answer, so Ed goes on. “You wanna know how I solved my problem?”
Stede looks at him now, visibly confused.
“I don’t know if you noticed because you’re always asleep in those moments, but you’ve actually really helped me. Now, whenever I wake up and feel that the silence is gonna drive me fucking crazy, I –“
Ed takes a breath; he feels oddly self-conscious talking about this, but he feels like Stede needs to hear it.
“I put my head on your chest and listen to your heartbeat. And I listen to your breathing and breathe with you. I – I just do that for a bit and it calms me down somehow. And after a while I can go back to sleep.”
Stede looks at him, face growing softer, eyebrows raised in disbelief.
They’re quiet for a moment, and Ed moves a bit closer to Stede on the bed.
He hesitates, then asks, “do you remember after our first night together, when I told you how you saved my life as a merperson?”
Stede smiles a bit at that and nods slightly.
“You looked so sparkly and bright and – and I heard your voice. Did I tell you I heard your voice?”
Stede shakes his head.
“I did. I don’t know if it was actually you, or if it was just in my head, but you said that I was safe. And – and you saved my life. You didn’t have a sword or a pistol, you were just – you were bright and beautiful, and told me I was safe, and I believed you.”
His boyfriend looks at him, lips pressed together.
“Don’t get me wrong, I know you can handle a sword now and everything, and that’s great. And I’m not saying you should let people walk all over you – there’s a time and place to deal with assholes who like to put others down for fun. And I know you’re capable of that. I actually never doubted that. I mean, remember that night on the fancy ship? You destroyed them after they made fun of me. You defended me.”
Stede gives a quiet chuckle at the memory.
Ed goes on. “And when we fought the English with Zheng? Stede, I know you can handle yourself and fight. I never had any doubts about that. Low was talking bullshit. But the truth is, I don’t need you to be on high alert at all times here and fight everyone so that I can rest and sleep.”
Stede is looking at the floor again, but his features are growing softer still.
“Remember when we were trying on clothes and you told me I didn’t have to be Blackbeard anymore?”
Stede smiles at him a bit sadly and nods.
“Well, the same goes for you. You don’t have to pretend, or be some other version of yourself. I just wanna be with you. I have never felt calmer and more at peace in my life than I do here. I’m fucked up sometimes and that’s not just gonna go away, but with you here, I feel safe, not because I need you to defend us or something, but just because you’re you.”
He smiles at Stede then, and slowly takes his hand.
Stede doesn’t pull back, but instead squeezes Ed’s hand in return.
His eyes are wet, and he takes a few deep breaths.
“Thank you, Ed,” he says simply.
“I love you,” Ed responds.
“I love you, too,” Stede says, and they share a soft, chaste kiss and then a hug.
“And, I’m sorry about what I said earlier. I didn’t mean it,” Stede whispers into his ear.
“It’s okay,” Ed whispers back.
When they part, Ed looks at his boyfriend and gently strokes his cheek. “Are you feeling better?”
“Much better. Thanks to you,” Stede says and sniffles a bit.
Ed smiles at him. “Always.”
After a moment of silence, he asks, “how about some brandy? I feel like we’ve earned it.”
Stede laughs and nods. “Yes, please.”
They get up and when Ed moves to fetch a brandy bottle from their supplies, Stede grabs his sleeve and stops him. Ed turns around, looking at Stede, who is standing before him now.
Stede steps closer and puts his arms around Ed again. Ed buries his face in Stede’s shoulder and hugs him back.
As much as he loves kissing Stede and having sex with him, there’s nothing quite like being close to him in this way. They’ve only been here for a short while and are both still getting used to this. But they’re trying; they’re trying. And Ed loves how it’s slowly getting easier. He doesn’t remember ever being hugged like this before they got together, and he can feel a knot deep inside his chest very slowly untangling every time they are close like this.
From the look on Stede’s face when they part, he seems to feel the same way.
They get some brandy and sit down on the porch, watching the sunset, huddled close together.
Ed still wakes up before Stede almost every day; old habits die hard, and he actually doesn’t mind being woken by the sun.
And now, he has two choices every morning: staying in bed with Stede and cuddling up to him, or making him breakfast in bed – and of course, he always finds a new flourish for the tray.